I just finished my third semester of nursing school! This is only including the nursing program classes and not the two semesters I took of prereqs before this. Anyway, 3 down and only 3 to go! This translates into about a year and a half left of classes, L-rd willing I do not get behind or have to retake any of them.
This semester was cake, though. I had Mental Health Nursing, Nursing Research, and Statistics for Nursing. Catching a theme? Next semester is going to be rough, especially following something so easy as this semester has been. I went to school for 3 hours Monday and Tuesday then went to clinicals on Wednesday. Clinicals weren't like normal hospital clinicals though. There were no care plans to write the night before and we literally sat around watching television while waiting for a client (patient) to approach us wanting to have a "therapeutic conversation". That's the kind of conversation where you ask them why they are there, they explain, then you ask "so, how does that make you feel?" I don't do feelings. Clinicals, where you are not running around and passing meds, was a real struggle. I like to have some type of schedule and something to do. Mental health clinicals had neither of those two things and I had to talk about feelings. Yuck! It almost makes me want to gag.
Anyway, I passed and now I get about a month off for winter break! Praise the L-rd!
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Confessions of a College Prude, Part 2
Lately, in my life, there has been an abundance of sex talk. It's getting on my nerves, to be honest because nobody is discussing the desire to refrain from it but merely rumors and desires to take part in it.
There have been stories of people losing their virginity in middle school. Many conversations about "numbers" (the amount of people individuals have slept with. Some people have begun describing in vivid detail certain acts or positions. Still others discuss their sadness that they have not yet given themselves entirely over to another person in that way. Most of these conversations were cut short on my end because I proceeded to plug my ears and began humming in order to drown out the information being presented.
I don't want to know the details of acts, or numbers, or anything else that I do not need to know about sex! In my book, I need to know that: 1) it's how you get babies, STD's, funky rashes, and other various conditions that one may find themselves in that require medical treatment, 2) there are psychological and emotional scars that can develop, 3) THAT I DO NOT NEED TO BE PARTAKING IN THESE ACTIONS UNTIL I AM MARRIED!!! That is it! All other information simply chips away at my dwindling innocence and causes me to have nightmares and panic attacks (on a regular basis).
My dating/marriage rules are strict, I understand that. However, those rules only apply to myself, I do not expect anyone else to follow them. If they don't follow them, I simply ask that all conversations about sex be held until I am out of hearing range. People cease cussing due to simple requests, is it too much to ask that inappropriate talk be held too?
It was brought to my attention that one of my friends is not pleased with the amount of physical contact they have had with the opposite gender. This conversation was light and was mostly about kissing and holding hands which are both okay for me to discuss with people because those are "normal" dating practices that are mostly started when dating anybody (with me and maybe a handful of others in the exception). When talking about these things, though, most people don't realize that I abstain from these little gestures as well. This may have a large part to do with my tongue ring, which I have been informed is used for unsavory acts of the sexual nature (things that I do not partake in). So people begin talking about these things and they haven't known me long enough to know that I am saving hand holding for my engagement, or kissing and beyond for when I am married.
Bringing this up with other people has proven slightly foolish in my experience because my closest friends and mentors all advise me to not wait for these things. I was encouraged and told that "it would be highly unlikely for me to be in a relationship with someone I really liked without kissing them." Yes, it will be hard, but that doesn't mean that it is bad. I am not forcing these rules on anyone else and I understand that if G-d sends along someone who I really like and who really likes me, there will be a pull for physical contact like kissing and hand-holding. However, by saving these little gestures, it's not going to cause any harm to me or my beloved. We won't get an STD or become pregnant before marriage, we won't become ill or suffer any psychological issues by waiting either. Why, then, is everyone counseling me to just go ahead a kiss whatever guy comes along? Why are they encouraging me to date, just to get the first one out of the way? I "tried" that, it was one of the biggest regrets of my life because I don't want to date just anybody, I wanted to wait until it seemed like the L-rd was guiding us both into the relationship instead of me getting talked into it by someone who had put me up on an unrealistic, unhealthy pedestal.
Seriously, the most waiting could do is make me become a cat lady. Which would make my death folder come in mighty handy because I am allergic to cats and they would likely suffocate me in my sleep.
You know what makes me the most sad? I feel embarrassed discussing these things with people because I have gotten such negative reactions from them so far. Some of my friends have decided they are going to take me to a bar, try to get me drunk, and then attempt to talk guys into making out with me. There are so many holes in that plan, but it bugs me that my closest friends can't just leave me be. It's not they are intervening for self-destructive behavior, they are attempting to make me do things that I don't want to do but that aren't causing harm to anyone. My mentors have continuously told me that it is okay to kiss boys and I shouldn't go any farther than I am comfortable with, but that lines should be past the hand-holding/kissing/cuddling things to really only prevent "real sex" from occurring until marriage. It's almost like skinny shaming where people tell thin people to go eat a hamburger or gain some weight even though the person is not anorexic or bolimic or anything else unhealthy.
I want another chance with this kid. I want to explain that while many people lose their virginity or hold a lot of emphasis on getting to a certain point in their physical relationship, that is not the general consensus among everyone. Yes, it may seem like everyone is sleeping around and has done more than you, but that's just because the people that hold-off are either not talking about not doing anything or they are getting drowned out by the people with the crazy hook-up stories. I just want to explain that this tongue ring was an attempt to not go back down my self-harm path that I have a history of. I want to explain why I am choosing to not kiss or hold hands right now. I want to explain that I am in the minority, but I CHOSE to be in the minority and it's not as small of a group as it may seem. Oh I pray I get the chance and I pray that this person is receptive!
There have been stories of people losing their virginity in middle school. Many conversations about "numbers" (the amount of people individuals have slept with. Some people have begun describing in vivid detail certain acts or positions. Still others discuss their sadness that they have not yet given themselves entirely over to another person in that way. Most of these conversations were cut short on my end because I proceeded to plug my ears and began humming in order to drown out the information being presented.
I don't want to know the details of acts, or numbers, or anything else that I do not need to know about sex! In my book, I need to know that: 1) it's how you get babies, STD's, funky rashes, and other various conditions that one may find themselves in that require medical treatment, 2) there are psychological and emotional scars that can develop, 3) THAT I DO NOT NEED TO BE PARTAKING IN THESE ACTIONS UNTIL I AM MARRIED!!! That is it! All other information simply chips away at my dwindling innocence and causes me to have nightmares and panic attacks (on a regular basis).
My dating/marriage rules are strict, I understand that. However, those rules only apply to myself, I do not expect anyone else to follow them. If they don't follow them, I simply ask that all conversations about sex be held until I am out of hearing range. People cease cussing due to simple requests, is it too much to ask that inappropriate talk be held too?
It was brought to my attention that one of my friends is not pleased with the amount of physical contact they have had with the opposite gender. This conversation was light and was mostly about kissing and holding hands which are both okay for me to discuss with people because those are "normal" dating practices that are mostly started when dating anybody (with me and maybe a handful of others in the exception). When talking about these things, though, most people don't realize that I abstain from these little gestures as well. This may have a large part to do with my tongue ring, which I have been informed is used for unsavory acts of the sexual nature (things that I do not partake in). So people begin talking about these things and they haven't known me long enough to know that I am saving hand holding for my engagement, or kissing and beyond for when I am married.
Bringing this up with other people has proven slightly foolish in my experience because my closest friends and mentors all advise me to not wait for these things. I was encouraged and told that "it would be highly unlikely for me to be in a relationship with someone I really liked without kissing them." Yes, it will be hard, but that doesn't mean that it is bad. I am not forcing these rules on anyone else and I understand that if G-d sends along someone who I really like and who really likes me, there will be a pull for physical contact like kissing and hand-holding. However, by saving these little gestures, it's not going to cause any harm to me or my beloved. We won't get an STD or become pregnant before marriage, we won't become ill or suffer any psychological issues by waiting either. Why, then, is everyone counseling me to just go ahead a kiss whatever guy comes along? Why are they encouraging me to date, just to get the first one out of the way? I "tried" that, it was one of the biggest regrets of my life because I don't want to date just anybody, I wanted to wait until it seemed like the L-rd was guiding us both into the relationship instead of me getting talked into it by someone who had put me up on an unrealistic, unhealthy pedestal.
Seriously, the most waiting could do is make me become a cat lady. Which would make my death folder come in mighty handy because I am allergic to cats and they would likely suffocate me in my sleep.
You know what makes me the most sad? I feel embarrassed discussing these things with people because I have gotten such negative reactions from them so far. Some of my friends have decided they are going to take me to a bar, try to get me drunk, and then attempt to talk guys into making out with me. There are so many holes in that plan, but it bugs me that my closest friends can't just leave me be. It's not they are intervening for self-destructive behavior, they are attempting to make me do things that I don't want to do but that aren't causing harm to anyone. My mentors have continuously told me that it is okay to kiss boys and I shouldn't go any farther than I am comfortable with, but that lines should be past the hand-holding/kissing/cuddling things to really only prevent "real sex" from occurring until marriage. It's almost like skinny shaming where people tell thin people to go eat a hamburger or gain some weight even though the person is not anorexic or bolimic or anything else unhealthy.
I want another chance with this kid. I want to explain that while many people lose their virginity or hold a lot of emphasis on getting to a certain point in their physical relationship, that is not the general consensus among everyone. Yes, it may seem like everyone is sleeping around and has done more than you, but that's just because the people that hold-off are either not talking about not doing anything or they are getting drowned out by the people with the crazy hook-up stories. I just want to explain that this tongue ring was an attempt to not go back down my self-harm path that I have a history of. I want to explain why I am choosing to not kiss or hold hands right now. I want to explain that I am in the minority, but I CHOSE to be in the minority and it's not as small of a group as it may seem. Oh I pray I get the chance and I pray that this person is receptive!
Death Folder
Since about middle school, I have been thinking about how I would want my funeral executed, if I would want artificial life support, etc, etc. Until last weekends funeral, I had not really discussed much of this with my parents. Since then I have decided to put together a death folder. I've already made a Pinterest board with basics of my funeral ceremony and I started documenting my accounts, passwords, and other information that may be important in the case of my demise.
Why am I planning for my death before I have even turned 21? I have no clue but I have always felt this pull to make sure it was planned, so I am preparing everything and getting it to my parent's house and my brother.
So far I have a will that I made from a template from the internet, a letter describing my wishes for my funeral, and a paper with the usernames and passwords to all my accounts. That's it. I need to sign a DNR and get the other legal stuff taken care of but that sounds terribly boring and time-consuming. It'll get done, hopefully by summer.
Any ideas of what else to put in it? I plan on writing a letter to my parents and brother. Then I can add on other letters if there happens to be a special guy in my life or anyone else I believe truly needs a letter.
Why am I planning for my death before I have even turned 21? I have no clue but I have always felt this pull to make sure it was planned, so I am preparing everything and getting it to my parent's house and my brother.
So far I have a will that I made from a template from the internet, a letter describing my wishes for my funeral, and a paper with the usernames and passwords to all my accounts. That's it. I need to sign a DNR and get the other legal stuff taken care of but that sounds terribly boring and time-consuming. It'll get done, hopefully by summer.
Any ideas of what else to put in it? I plan on writing a letter to my parents and brother. Then I can add on other letters if there happens to be a special guy in my life or anyone else I believe truly needs a letter.
I'm Off My Meds
Several months ago I decided to start treating my depression. Did I go to a doctor? No. Did I seek any type of counseling or therapy? No. I decided to self-prescribe St. Johns Wort, vitamin D, melatonin, valerian root, magnesium, prenatal vitamins, and the list goes on. These were taken in hopes that my depression would be more controllable and I was hoping I would be able to function.
At the time, I was unaware that treating major depression could result in manic or hypomanic occurrences. I am now well aware of this little tid-bit. However, I have enjoyed several months of less severe cycles through hypomania and depression so that's good! My depression has pretty much been kept at bay and I felt normal. Actually, I felt just a tad bit hyper most days, but I have been very productive with school work, housework, and everything else that used to seem so daunting to me. Due to all of this, I think I may have bipolar type 2 but that may just be my Mental Health hypochondria acting up on me...
There are so many posts I want to write right now! Funny how I choose to begin this whole thing at 0135. Anyway, check dates and times on my upcoming posts because there are likely to be several tonight.
It needs to be noted that I, in no way, suggest that you do not receive professional help for mental/medical conditions. Nor do I propose you put yourself on a regimen of "self-prescribed" suppliments. Please consult your doctor or other health care professional before taking or doing anything mentioned in this post or my previous posts. This is a blog about nursing school and my struggles, do not take me for a doctor and do not take health advice from me, please!
At the time, I was unaware that treating major depression could result in manic or hypomanic occurrences. I am now well aware of this little tid-bit. However, I have enjoyed several months of less severe cycles through hypomania and depression so that's good! My depression has pretty much been kept at bay and I felt normal. Actually, I felt just a tad bit hyper most days, but I have been very productive with school work, housework, and everything else that used to seem so daunting to me. Due to all of this, I think I may have bipolar type 2 but that may just be my Mental Health hypochondria acting up on me...
There are so many posts I want to write right now! Funny how I choose to begin this whole thing at 0135. Anyway, check dates and times on my upcoming posts because there are likely to be several tonight.
It needs to be noted that I, in no way, suggest that you do not receive professional help for mental/medical conditions. Nor do I propose you put yourself on a regimen of "self-prescribed" suppliments. Please consult your doctor or other health care professional before taking or doing anything mentioned in this post or my previous posts. This is a blog about nursing school and my struggles, do not take me for a doctor and do not take health advice from me, please!
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Confessions of a College Prude, Part 1
So I recently tried hookah. Before you go off and tell me it's a bad idea and causes cancer and blah, blah, blah, just wait because I know. I glanced at the evidence based articles before and after. They all say it's a bad idea. Okay, I know.
Anyway, I tried it because I am full of bad ideas and my brother and his roommates have all the stuff. I find it pointless. We only had the "herbal" stuff in it so there is not supposed to be a high or anything and I didn't get high. There wasn't tobacco or weed in it either, don't worry. I'm just confused why it's even a thing if there is no drug effect.
I am not supporting the use of illegal or legal drugs just to get "high" or whatever other effect they may have besides for medical purposes (yes, I know that is worded poorly, but I only advocate using prescription drugs for their intended purposes and not abusing them. That's what I wanted to say but couldn't...) But, why spend all this money just to have smoke enter your lungs?
Maybe it is just me, but I don't like doing things that don't have an apparent purpose. Therefore, personally, smoking hookah does not seem logical. If you have weed in it then you will get high. Okay, it makes sense why people do that. If you have tobacco in it then... you get a little buzz? I don't know why you do tobacco, but people have been smoking cigars/cigarettes for years so there must be something that they like in those so okay, they are getting some kind of physiological effect. Are they having no "drug" in the hookah and partaking in the smoking just to do tricks with their exhaled smoke? This seems pointless. Again, I'm not trying to attack anyone, I'm just trying to understand reasoning.
Any information that you are willing to contribute to my knowledge will be greatly appreciated!
Anyway, I tried it because I am full of bad ideas and my brother and his roommates have all the stuff. I find it pointless. We only had the "herbal" stuff in it so there is not supposed to be a high or anything and I didn't get high. There wasn't tobacco or weed in it either, don't worry. I'm just confused why it's even a thing if there is no drug effect.
I am not supporting the use of illegal or legal drugs just to get "high" or whatever other effect they may have besides for medical purposes (yes, I know that is worded poorly, but I only advocate using prescription drugs for their intended purposes and not abusing them. That's what I wanted to say but couldn't...) But, why spend all this money just to have smoke enter your lungs?
Maybe it is just me, but I don't like doing things that don't have an apparent purpose. Therefore, personally, smoking hookah does not seem logical. If you have weed in it then you will get high. Okay, it makes sense why people do that. If you have tobacco in it then... you get a little buzz? I don't know why you do tobacco, but people have been smoking cigars/cigarettes for years so there must be something that they like in those so okay, they are getting some kind of physiological effect. Are they having no "drug" in the hookah and partaking in the smoking just to do tricks with their exhaled smoke? This seems pointless. Again, I'm not trying to attack anyone, I'm just trying to understand reasoning.
Any information that you are willing to contribute to my knowledge will be greatly appreciated!
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Cloudy Weather Blues
Has anyone else noticed that with rainy and snowy days people start acting weird?
We finally got snow where I reside and the whole day was bonkers! My mom told me that her clients were strange/off/angry/grouchy/etc all day. It wasn't just a single person or maybe two. No, it was all of them. She's a hairdresser, by the way, and most people feel better when getting their hair done. Am I right?
I had gone to my mental health clinicals earlier in the day and the unit was hot. Oh my goodness! We had at least two major meltdowns on a unit of about 24 patients and several other meltdowns/take-downs on the other units. I am on a maximum security ward at a state mental hospital. These patients are very sick and all part of the legal system for various different charges. I am also on one of the admit units... So people are at their very worst, very sick level before they are stabilized with medication and therapy.
Then, after all of that fun, I decided to go into work on my day off because they were short staffed. ALWAYS A BAD DECISION!!! Typically when a place (especially a hospital) is short staffed, that means the staff that is there is going to be stressed, the patients are going to be spazzing out (because everyone one was for some reason), and you will be frustrated that you agreed to come in to a very frustrating situation when you should be off. I completely regret it and I only agreed to work 4 hours because I got called in for night shift but I had been up since 0445.
Oh my gosh. Anything that could have gone wrong, did go wrong. First, staffing sent me to the wrong floor. Then I got reassigned and I had to go sit with a patient who was very old and very confused. He had just gotten discharged from the ICU a couple hours before I got there and was sleeping fine... until the nurse decided to move him to a different room while he was still sleeping. Thanks lady. He slept for the first hour and a half until she decided he needed to move right then. She got a Posey bed ordered for him and since he wouldn't get up, she had us use a transfer sheet to slide him into the bed. He woke up and never went back to sleep the whole time I was with him.
At first I asked if she wanted the whole bed zipped up or if she wanted me to leave it partially unzipped because she told me he could go to the bathroom. About 30 minutes after the nurse and the other two people that helped us left, the patient reported he needed to go to the bathroom. I got him up and led him to the bathroom but he turned real quick and went out into the hall. Even with myself and another nurse attempting to redirect him and lead him back into his room, he was too strong and continued into the hall to a sitting area. 30 minutes of nonsense conversation from him and we still could not get him redirected and into his room. The nurse came out and yelled at me for not keeping him in his room and I just took it. She flipped out, called the charge nurse and complained that the patient was not in his bed. After another 30 minutes or so, two nurses, a CNA, a wheelchair, and myself, we finally got him back into his room. He reported needing to use the bathroom again and the charge nurse finally got to deal with the reason he got out of his room in the first place. It took two of them to toilet him. We got him back into bed, got it all zipped up and everything was good.
A little while later, he said he needed to go to the bathroom again. He kept wanting out but I gave him a urinal. He was so confused it took 20 minutes to convince him to let me help him use the urinal. So frustrating. Then when I unzipped the bed to get the urinal out, he grabbed the zipper and fought me to get out. I succeeded just as the charge nurse got to the doorway to see how everything was going. I explained the situation and she just walked away. He asked to go again a little while later and it was a super huge struggle to get him to use it again. This time I kept the zipper up close to the top and only wide enough for the urinal to barely fit through it and just as he handed the urinal to me, he grabbed my arm! It was like a scene out of a scary horror film or some murder show. He hurt my arm so bad that I let go of the closed urinal (it only had a few drops in it) and struggled for about 5 minutes to get my arm free from his grasp and the bed zipped back up.
Several hours later, the nurse finally braved coming into the room and acted like nothing had ever happened. She was all cheery and sounded nice but I have a hard time forgetting when people yell at me. I told her about how he keeps acting all sweet and then becomes aggressive when you get too close and she told me that that information was highly useful and she was going to talk to the doctor or something. I don't understand why she got so frustrated with me for not being able to tackle a patient just to keep him in his room and she continued to belittle me and act all disapprovingly because "she can't handle confused patients" but she expects me to just suck it up and deal with it so that she doesn't have to see him. Why do so many nurses treat me like junk and avoid my patient just because they got a patient who is requiring a sitter? I understand that they are probably upset that they have to deal with a sitter patient, but why does that justify them making me sit with that patient with no break or help for 12 hours? So frustrating.
Moral of the story, don't agree to go into work on a day off when it is cloudy and everyone that you had come into contact with was going off-the-wall that day.
Is this cloudy-weather-induced grumpiness evident to anyone else or did I just make it up?
We finally got snow where I reside and the whole day was bonkers! My mom told me that her clients were strange/off/angry/grouchy/etc all day. It wasn't just a single person or maybe two. No, it was all of them. She's a hairdresser, by the way, and most people feel better when getting their hair done. Am I right?
I had gone to my mental health clinicals earlier in the day and the unit was hot. Oh my goodness! We had at least two major meltdowns on a unit of about 24 patients and several other meltdowns/take-downs on the other units. I am on a maximum security ward at a state mental hospital. These patients are very sick and all part of the legal system for various different charges. I am also on one of the admit units... So people are at their very worst, very sick level before they are stabilized with medication and therapy.
Then, after all of that fun, I decided to go into work on my day off because they were short staffed. ALWAYS A BAD DECISION!!! Typically when a place (especially a hospital) is short staffed, that means the staff that is there is going to be stressed, the patients are going to be spazzing out (because everyone one was for some reason), and you will be frustrated that you agreed to come in to a very frustrating situation when you should be off. I completely regret it and I only agreed to work 4 hours because I got called in for night shift but I had been up since 0445.
Oh my gosh. Anything that could have gone wrong, did go wrong. First, staffing sent me to the wrong floor. Then I got reassigned and I had to go sit with a patient who was very old and very confused. He had just gotten discharged from the ICU a couple hours before I got there and was sleeping fine... until the nurse decided to move him to a different room while he was still sleeping. Thanks lady. He slept for the first hour and a half until she decided he needed to move right then. She got a Posey bed ordered for him and since he wouldn't get up, she had us use a transfer sheet to slide him into the bed. He woke up and never went back to sleep the whole time I was with him.
At first I asked if she wanted the whole bed zipped up or if she wanted me to leave it partially unzipped because she told me he could go to the bathroom. About 30 minutes after the nurse and the other two people that helped us left, the patient reported he needed to go to the bathroom. I got him up and led him to the bathroom but he turned real quick and went out into the hall. Even with myself and another nurse attempting to redirect him and lead him back into his room, he was too strong and continued into the hall to a sitting area. 30 minutes of nonsense conversation from him and we still could not get him redirected and into his room. The nurse came out and yelled at me for not keeping him in his room and I just took it. She flipped out, called the charge nurse and complained that the patient was not in his bed. After another 30 minutes or so, two nurses, a CNA, a wheelchair, and myself, we finally got him back into his room. He reported needing to use the bathroom again and the charge nurse finally got to deal with the reason he got out of his room in the first place. It took two of them to toilet him. We got him back into bed, got it all zipped up and everything was good.
A little while later, he said he needed to go to the bathroom again. He kept wanting out but I gave him a urinal. He was so confused it took 20 minutes to convince him to let me help him use the urinal. So frustrating. Then when I unzipped the bed to get the urinal out, he grabbed the zipper and fought me to get out. I succeeded just as the charge nurse got to the doorway to see how everything was going. I explained the situation and she just walked away. He asked to go again a little while later and it was a super huge struggle to get him to use it again. This time I kept the zipper up close to the top and only wide enough for the urinal to barely fit through it and just as he handed the urinal to me, he grabbed my arm! It was like a scene out of a scary horror film or some murder show. He hurt my arm so bad that I let go of the closed urinal (it only had a few drops in it) and struggled for about 5 minutes to get my arm free from his grasp and the bed zipped back up.
Several hours later, the nurse finally braved coming into the room and acted like nothing had ever happened. She was all cheery and sounded nice but I have a hard time forgetting when people yell at me. I told her about how he keeps acting all sweet and then becomes aggressive when you get too close and she told me that that information was highly useful and she was going to talk to the doctor or something. I don't understand why she got so frustrated with me for not being able to tackle a patient just to keep him in his room and she continued to belittle me and act all disapprovingly because "she can't handle confused patients" but she expects me to just suck it up and deal with it so that she doesn't have to see him. Why do so many nurses treat me like junk and avoid my patient just because they got a patient who is requiring a sitter? I understand that they are probably upset that they have to deal with a sitter patient, but why does that justify them making me sit with that patient with no break or help for 12 hours? So frustrating.
Moral of the story, don't agree to go into work on a day off when it is cloudy and everyone that you had come into contact with was going off-the-wall that day.
Is this cloudy-weather-induced grumpiness evident to anyone else or did I just make it up?
Friday, October 31, 2014
Not my family, Not my life
I'm just going to start by saying I HATE Halloween. I cannot stand it. If there were a stronger word in my vocabulary than hate, despise, or the like then I would use it. In fact, I think that my strong dislike for this day deserves its very own word that should be made up right now. Problem is, I am not super creative so I can't come up with a word... Just pretend that it is really strong and clever. Thanks!
Anyway, back to the title. The lady that I babysat (notice past tense) for in the past just got married. Understand that I nearly put off college to remain at home with her to take care of her children because her husband cheated on her and pretty much abandoned her and her four children, one of which was a newborn at the time. I adored this family. I had prayed for them for such a long time and I felt like I belonged as their babysitter/nanny. It's been about three years since he first left and about a year and a half or two years since their divorce was finalized. Her children melt my heart and they came up with their own nickname for me. We are also on the basis of telling each other that we love each other because we share intimate areas of our lives and hearts with each other. This story only scrapes the surface of how much I truly care for this family.
About a week or two ago, she got married. Yes, I am happy for her because she seems really happy. They only dated for a couple of months but they have known each other for years through church. Actually, I knew him at church too because that's how I met this lady to begin with. So, even though their dating only lasted a few months and their engagement about a month, they have known each other for awhile. I was kind of hoping to be a bridesmaid at her wedding, but they had a teensy wedding in her parent's backyard and nobody was really invited. Plus, it's not fair that I would assume she would ask me. It's also not fair of me to assume that I am such an integral part of her family. Still, it breaks my heart that I don't ever get to babysit or see them anymore. I call these children my kids. All my friends know that I have had 4 kids since I was 16 because those are my kids! Yet, I haven't seen them since June, except on Facebook.
I guess I'm a bit jealous that I am no longer in the picture and yet her life is moving on. I miss them and I stay stuck on the past while this lady and her family (and everyone else in the world) continue to move on with their lives. Wow, I sound narcissistic. Really, I don't think I am that important that her world would come to a halt just because I was not there, but I have a tough time with any kind of change. I am happy that she seems happy. I pray that she finds joy in this new phase of her life and I pray that the kids are held by the L-rd through their time dealing with their parent's divorce. I want happiness and joy and love for them all, I just don't understand why it's so hard to watch this all from the outside.
I think I need to shut off my Facebook, it just seems to depress me the more I go on it. I also need to get out of the past. I keep wishing life was the way it was before, but that's just not how life or time works.
L-rd willing y'all won't get yourself too scared this Halloween season. A few more hours in my time zone and then I have survived Halloween 2014!!! May your remaining time be easy to cope with and not at all scary.
Blessings!
BedpanAlley
Anyway, back to the title. The lady that I babysat (notice past tense) for in the past just got married. Understand that I nearly put off college to remain at home with her to take care of her children because her husband cheated on her and pretty much abandoned her and her four children, one of which was a newborn at the time. I adored this family. I had prayed for them for such a long time and I felt like I belonged as their babysitter/nanny. It's been about three years since he first left and about a year and a half or two years since their divorce was finalized. Her children melt my heart and they came up with their own nickname for me. We are also on the basis of telling each other that we love each other because we share intimate areas of our lives and hearts with each other. This story only scrapes the surface of how much I truly care for this family.
About a week or two ago, she got married. Yes, I am happy for her because she seems really happy. They only dated for a couple of months but they have known each other for years through church. Actually, I knew him at church too because that's how I met this lady to begin with. So, even though their dating only lasted a few months and their engagement about a month, they have known each other for awhile. I was kind of hoping to be a bridesmaid at her wedding, but they had a teensy wedding in her parent's backyard and nobody was really invited. Plus, it's not fair that I would assume she would ask me. It's also not fair of me to assume that I am such an integral part of her family. Still, it breaks my heart that I don't ever get to babysit or see them anymore. I call these children my kids. All my friends know that I have had 4 kids since I was 16 because those are my kids! Yet, I haven't seen them since June, except on Facebook.
I guess I'm a bit jealous that I am no longer in the picture and yet her life is moving on. I miss them and I stay stuck on the past while this lady and her family (and everyone else in the world) continue to move on with their lives. Wow, I sound narcissistic. Really, I don't think I am that important that her world would come to a halt just because I was not there, but I have a tough time with any kind of change. I am happy that she seems happy. I pray that she finds joy in this new phase of her life and I pray that the kids are held by the L-rd through their time dealing with their parent's divorce. I want happiness and joy and love for them all, I just don't understand why it's so hard to watch this all from the outside.
I think I need to shut off my Facebook, it just seems to depress me the more I go on it. I also need to get out of the past. I keep wishing life was the way it was before, but that's just not how life or time works.
L-rd willing y'all won't get yourself too scared this Halloween season. A few more hours in my time zone and then I have survived Halloween 2014!!! May your remaining time be easy to cope with and not at all scary.
Blessings!
BedpanAlley
Friday, October 24, 2014
Am I Dying?
About a month ago, I was babysitting for my friend. The previous night she had been in the ER with him because he was sick. They sent him home saying he was fine. Bologna! He has asthma and was presenting with a croupy cough and snot everywhere. They discharged him. So, naturally, you take the sick kid to the babysitter, right? Awesome.
I thought everything was all okay but a few days ago I woke up with no voice. Now, I don't talk enough, ever, to lose my voice, so I shouldn't wake up with it already gone. That night I get a fever and I think I'm gonna lose the contents of my stomach so I slept on the bathroom floor. Several days later, I still have no voice. I'm at my parents house and they are babying me, trying to get me back to health. Meanwhile I'm trying to finish my billions of projects that are due by Monday while also studying for a test I have on Tuesday. Seriously, this illness could not have come at a worse time because I have so much to do!
I'm a little more than mildly irritated that I have contracted croup at the age of 20 when I have so many things that absolutely have to get done. Plus, I feel like crap. (Please excuse the language.)
I thought everything was all okay but a few days ago I woke up with no voice. Now, I don't talk enough, ever, to lose my voice, so I shouldn't wake up with it already gone. That night I get a fever and I think I'm gonna lose the contents of my stomach so I slept on the bathroom floor. Several days later, I still have no voice. I'm at my parents house and they are babying me, trying to get me back to health. Meanwhile I'm trying to finish my billions of projects that are due by Monday while also studying for a test I have on Tuesday. Seriously, this illness could not have come at a worse time because I have so much to do!
I'm a little more than mildly irritated that I have contracted croup at the age of 20 when I have so many things that absolutely have to get done. Plus, I feel like crap. (Please excuse the language.)
Monday, October 20, 2014
What I Wish I Could Say
Last night was awful. I'm talking the worst night I have ever had at work since I have been at the hospital.
I went into the patient's room and as I was getting report, within the first 15 minutes of my shift, I had already gotten assaulted and we had to call security. We had 3 security guards, 2 CNA's, and the nurse in the room trying to get the patient calmed down and some meds that are stronger than Ativan. It starts with a G but I can't remember what it is. Oh, but it got so much worse. As the night went on I kept reminding him that he needed to stay in bed because he can't walk and so he kept requesting to talk to my supervisor (the nurse). I finally called the nurse in and the patient was super pleasant and rambling on and on about how he "told me so" about this, that, and the other. He hadn't even mentioned any of that before the nurse came in. At about 0200 he started with the personal attacks because I still wasn't letting him out of bed. He told me that I don't understand what it's like to be an adult because I'm just some little girl who is living off of "mommy and daddy's money". He could not have chosen a worse thing to say to me and I couldn't do anything about it.
I wanted to tell him that the only reason I was there is because I work so that I can live on my own. My parents pay for nothing because they can't afford it. I am working my way through college by wiping adult butts and being attacked on a regular/weekly basis by patients because that's my job. I wanted to tell him that I wish I could let him walk and I wish that I wasn't there either because that's not how I would chose to spend a Sunday night, especially when I have school the next day. But I can't. Because he's a patient. I do apologize for whining but I am so sick of going to work and being attacked every night! I understand that they are sick but why does that make it acceptable for them to be so mean. I think the things that he said to me (and he said much, much more) are probably the MEANEST things anyone has ever said to me. I should shake it off but I just can't right now.
Everybody and their mother is trying to set me up because I'm not enough on my own. I wish I could tell them to go pound sand. I wish I could share all of the things in my life that I am still trying to heal from that make me believe that I am unworthy of love from anyone beside those obligated to love me because of blood and genetics. I wish I could tell them that I feel like a failure because I couldn't make it work with Best Friend and yet I wish I had never "gone out" with him in the first place. I wish I could tell them that I want a relationship and I want to be a wife and a mother, but I am scared to death that I am not good enough. I am terrified that a guy would say, "ya, okay" to marrying me and then decide that I wasn't worth it. Yet, I am frightened of living the rest of my life alone. I want someone to understand that being in this weird area of not wanting to be alone but being apprehensive of a relationship is also driving me insane.
My brother keeps blowing me off so he can hang out with his girlfriend and other friends. I figured he would get into a relationship eventually and I am happy for him, but he bends over backwards to hang out with everyone but me. I offered to buy him lunch so that I could hang out with him because I was really sad and lonely. He agreed to come over, if I agreed to buy. After we got it all situated he asked if he could bring a friend. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?! I wish I would have told him its frustrating that he doesn't try to hang out with me but he gets mad when I don't come hang out with him. I am truly glad that he has a girlfriend he really likes and a bunch of friends. Why would it seem okay to invite a friend to lunch after I had already agreed to pay? Does he think I'm made of money? I wish I could tell him it's frustrating to love him so much when he doesn't seem to care what I'm doing as long as it either doesn't effect him negatively or it benefits him. I want to tell him I miss him and I... I... I don't know. I think I'm hanging on to something that I won't ever be able to get back.
Today, I wish I could go back and talk to the people who scarred me for life. I wish I could show them the pain they've caused collectively and the long-lasting damage they cause to people's lives. I wish that I could prevent anyone else from ever being called fat, ugly, stupid, or any other mean thing people come up with. When we're kids, we don't understand that one simple name will stick with others for the rest of their lives. These words are thorns in our sides. It just takes one, but the more you accumulate the more you start to believe everyone else around you, even if you don't want to. If only time travel existed. If only people could just be nice to each other!
I want to talk to someone who understand what I want to say when no words are forthcoming because there is so much I want to say but there is no way for me to express it. I praise the L-rd that He made me independent and He provides ways for me to be able to go to school and have stuff paid for so that I am able to survive without my parents having to pay for everything because I definitely do not do this of my own power.
I went into the patient's room and as I was getting report, within the first 15 minutes of my shift, I had already gotten assaulted and we had to call security. We had 3 security guards, 2 CNA's, and the nurse in the room trying to get the patient calmed down and some meds that are stronger than Ativan. It starts with a G but I can't remember what it is. Oh, but it got so much worse. As the night went on I kept reminding him that he needed to stay in bed because he can't walk and so he kept requesting to talk to my supervisor (the nurse). I finally called the nurse in and the patient was super pleasant and rambling on and on about how he "told me so" about this, that, and the other. He hadn't even mentioned any of that before the nurse came in. At about 0200 he started with the personal attacks because I still wasn't letting him out of bed. He told me that I don't understand what it's like to be an adult because I'm just some little girl who is living off of "mommy and daddy's money". He could not have chosen a worse thing to say to me and I couldn't do anything about it.
I wanted to tell him that the only reason I was there is because I work so that I can live on my own. My parents pay for nothing because they can't afford it. I am working my way through college by wiping adult butts and being attacked on a regular/weekly basis by patients because that's my job. I wanted to tell him that I wish I could let him walk and I wish that I wasn't there either because that's not how I would chose to spend a Sunday night, especially when I have school the next day. But I can't. Because he's a patient. I do apologize for whining but I am so sick of going to work and being attacked every night! I understand that they are sick but why does that make it acceptable for them to be so mean. I think the things that he said to me (and he said much, much more) are probably the MEANEST things anyone has ever said to me. I should shake it off but I just can't right now.
Everybody and their mother is trying to set me up because I'm not enough on my own. I wish I could tell them to go pound sand. I wish I could share all of the things in my life that I am still trying to heal from that make me believe that I am unworthy of love from anyone beside those obligated to love me because of blood and genetics. I wish I could tell them that I feel like a failure because I couldn't make it work with Best Friend and yet I wish I had never "gone out" with him in the first place. I wish I could tell them that I want a relationship and I want to be a wife and a mother, but I am scared to death that I am not good enough. I am terrified that a guy would say, "ya, okay" to marrying me and then decide that I wasn't worth it. Yet, I am frightened of living the rest of my life alone. I want someone to understand that being in this weird area of not wanting to be alone but being apprehensive of a relationship is also driving me insane.
My brother keeps blowing me off so he can hang out with his girlfriend and other friends. I figured he would get into a relationship eventually and I am happy for him, but he bends over backwards to hang out with everyone but me. I offered to buy him lunch so that I could hang out with him because I was really sad and lonely. He agreed to come over, if I agreed to buy. After we got it all situated he asked if he could bring a friend. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?! I wish I would have told him its frustrating that he doesn't try to hang out with me but he gets mad when I don't come hang out with him. I am truly glad that he has a girlfriend he really likes and a bunch of friends. Why would it seem okay to invite a friend to lunch after I had already agreed to pay? Does he think I'm made of money? I wish I could tell him it's frustrating to love him so much when he doesn't seem to care what I'm doing as long as it either doesn't effect him negatively or it benefits him. I want to tell him I miss him and I... I... I don't know. I think I'm hanging on to something that I won't ever be able to get back.
Today, I wish I could go back and talk to the people who scarred me for life. I wish I could show them the pain they've caused collectively and the long-lasting damage they cause to people's lives. I wish that I could prevent anyone else from ever being called fat, ugly, stupid, or any other mean thing people come up with. When we're kids, we don't understand that one simple name will stick with others for the rest of their lives. These words are thorns in our sides. It just takes one, but the more you accumulate the more you start to believe everyone else around you, even if you don't want to. If only time travel existed. If only people could just be nice to each other!
I want to talk to someone who understand what I want to say when no words are forthcoming because there is so much I want to say but there is no way for me to express it. I praise the L-rd that He made me independent and He provides ways for me to be able to go to school and have stuff paid for so that I am able to survive without my parents having to pay for everything because I definitely do not do this of my own power.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Lying is the Easy Part
"Are you okay" - Beauty (I have talked about her before but she just now got a nickname. She's my super pretty friend from freshman year dorms who made it into nursing school with me.)
"Ya." - Me when I'm really thinking no.
My weekend went fine. On Friday I visited my old neighborhood and all my neighbors were hanging out watching football. They asked what my boyfriend's name was (just wondering if I had one) and I told them I tried having a bf for a little bit but decided that was a bad idea (in a joking manner). I was psycho-analyzed Saturday at shul then visited my Brother. He pretty much pointed out I am probably going to turn out to be a cat-lady which sucks because I'm allergic to cats so they would likely suffocate me in my sleep. Sunday went by without a hitch until I had to go to work. They called me off then called back 20 minutes later with a "Just kidding! We just decided we need you." Fan-frickin-tastic, I have a test tomorrow I need to study for!!! I hardly got a break all night. The first four hours consisted of me keeping an Alzheimer's patient from escaping and the nurses (he had 2 because 1 was training for the floor but was already an established nurse) waited until the charge nurse had to call security on the patient because he was getting aggressive. After they got him some Ativan I was floated to another floor to watch 4 patients. They were more or less spazzing out, having panic attacks, and asking for sleeping meds repeatedly from different staff members because the nurse had already exhausted his meds.
From that crazy night I went home, changed, then headed to school for a test. I thought I did okay until we took a group test so that we could see how we did and get a couple extra points towards our test grade. After we did that I figured out that I pretty much failed the test...
After class my friends dragged me to lunch at a place downtown because we had been planning to go out and catch up before I had been having a bad day. The food was okay but the conversation got weird because they asked about each other's relationships and then asked me how my roommate was "because that's the relationship I'm in right now". Their words, not mine. Good news, Beauty is planning her post-grad life with her boyfriend and likely soon-to-be fiance. Big Red is fixin' to get engaged once her boyfriend sells his motorcycle. Everybody's lives are moving on and people have such big plans and it's plain to see that I don't. I don't have a relationship, exciting life plans, or any other noteworthy conversational pieces to share. That's normal for me and I can typically cope with that until it's pointed out hundreds of times in a weekend by all the people I love.
So, when Beauty asked me if I was okay yesterday after lunch and today during class I said I was. I wanted to tell her no. I wanted to tell her that my depression is getting deeper and deeper. I want to explain what is going on in my head and the pain in my heart and the fact that life is such a struggle for me right now. I wanted to tell her, but she wouldn't understand. Therefore, it's simply easier to lie.
"Ya." - Me when I'm really thinking no.
My weekend went fine. On Friday I visited my old neighborhood and all my neighbors were hanging out watching football. They asked what my boyfriend's name was (just wondering if I had one) and I told them I tried having a bf for a little bit but decided that was a bad idea (in a joking manner). I was psycho-analyzed Saturday at shul then visited my Brother. He pretty much pointed out I am probably going to turn out to be a cat-lady which sucks because I'm allergic to cats so they would likely suffocate me in my sleep. Sunday went by without a hitch until I had to go to work. They called me off then called back 20 minutes later with a "Just kidding! We just decided we need you." Fan-frickin-tastic, I have a test tomorrow I need to study for!!! I hardly got a break all night. The first four hours consisted of me keeping an Alzheimer's patient from escaping and the nurses (he had 2 because 1 was training for the floor but was already an established nurse) waited until the charge nurse had to call security on the patient because he was getting aggressive. After they got him some Ativan I was floated to another floor to watch 4 patients. They were more or less spazzing out, having panic attacks, and asking for sleeping meds repeatedly from different staff members because the nurse had already exhausted his meds.
From that crazy night I went home, changed, then headed to school for a test. I thought I did okay until we took a group test so that we could see how we did and get a couple extra points towards our test grade. After we did that I figured out that I pretty much failed the test...
After class my friends dragged me to lunch at a place downtown because we had been planning to go out and catch up before I had been having a bad day. The food was okay but the conversation got weird because they asked about each other's relationships and then asked me how my roommate was "because that's the relationship I'm in right now". Their words, not mine. Good news, Beauty is planning her post-grad life with her boyfriend and likely soon-to-be fiance. Big Red is fixin' to get engaged once her boyfriend sells his motorcycle. Everybody's lives are moving on and people have such big plans and it's plain to see that I don't. I don't have a relationship, exciting life plans, or any other noteworthy conversational pieces to share. That's normal for me and I can typically cope with that until it's pointed out hundreds of times in a weekend by all the people I love.
So, when Beauty asked me if I was okay yesterday after lunch and today during class I said I was. I wanted to tell her no. I wanted to tell her that my depression is getting deeper and deeper. I want to explain what is going on in my head and the pain in my heart and the fact that life is such a struggle for me right now. I wanted to tell her, but she wouldn't understand. Therefore, it's simply easier to lie.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Fantastic Weekend Review
Hey y'all, how was your weekend? I hope it was fun, or at least relaxing.
Mine was super fun. After going to the barbeque that I kinda initiated... I got to spend nearly an entire day with my Mema. Oh goodness, I LOVE her!!! We drove about 2 hours to go look at the leaves that are changing colors and scoped out some camping spots for next summer with the whole extended family. Super exciting and it killed my back sitting for nearly 5 hours cramped in a car. That's one of the only times I wish I had a little bit shorter legs. That and the fact that I'm taller than most guys... Therefore I tower over the cutie pies I may/may not crush on and I would like to find a guy that's a bit taller than me. I don't know why that's a thing, but I want to feel petite and feminine next to a guy and not like a frickin' giant.
Anywho, I also got to ride horses for about an hour and the horse kept running! Oh my goodness I should have shortened those stirrups. Since I didn't, but bum is a bit sore because I couldn't stand in the stirrups to prevent bouncing up and down about a foot with each horse step. I almost felt like I was going to get thrown too because I was not prepared for the horse to start running, he just took off!
Well, Roommate's mom loves taking pictures. I HATE being in pictures. I loose the argument with her every time because I just adore her! So, I took a picture with Roommate Mama's boyfriend (of 10 years). He's awesome. Really, they have an amazing family. Later that night this picture was posted on the boyfriend's Facebook page. About 5 minutes later he gets a call. Keep in mind it is about 9 at night and where we're from, it's not okay to call after 9 unless it's an emergency. The call was from his nephew and the nephew was asking who I was. He told the boyfriend I was "hot" and some other very flattering descriptive phrases that I was not informed about. Haha, that made me feel significantly better after them silly high school boys told me to try harder. I wasn't even wearing make-up in the picture and my hair was all wind-blown from having ridden horses. So, while I should not be so easily upset and encouraged by these little comments, I am just now coming into being noticed by guys and noticing them back. Plus, the guy that was diggin' on me is a few years older and has a bigger pool of girls and still thought I was worth a "double take". Good thing it was dark when they told me because I was blushing all over!
My brother got a girlfriend. Have I told you about that yet? She got him to smoke pot less and he doesn't drink as much, so that's good. He took the new girlfriend to meet my mama over the weekend without warning mom that the girlfriend was coming. Nobody is telling me anything besides the fact that it went okay. I'm kinda hoping that there are some better stories than that but I guess I'll just have to dig some more this week.
I'm gonna go try to be productive today. We'll see how far that gets me. Also, I think I need to come up with better nicknames for Roommates family... Maybe that's what I'll do today.
Mine was super fun. After going to the barbeque that I kinda initiated... I got to spend nearly an entire day with my Mema. Oh goodness, I LOVE her!!! We drove about 2 hours to go look at the leaves that are changing colors and scoped out some camping spots for next summer with the whole extended family. Super exciting and it killed my back sitting for nearly 5 hours cramped in a car. That's one of the only times I wish I had a little bit shorter legs. That and the fact that I'm taller than most guys... Therefore I tower over the cutie pies I may/may not crush on and I would like to find a guy that's a bit taller than me. I don't know why that's a thing, but I want to feel petite and feminine next to a guy and not like a frickin' giant.
Anywho, I also got to ride horses for about an hour and the horse kept running! Oh my goodness I should have shortened those stirrups. Since I didn't, but bum is a bit sore because I couldn't stand in the stirrups to prevent bouncing up and down about a foot with each horse step. I almost felt like I was going to get thrown too because I was not prepared for the horse to start running, he just took off!
Well, Roommate's mom loves taking pictures. I HATE being in pictures. I loose the argument with her every time because I just adore her! So, I took a picture with Roommate Mama's boyfriend (of 10 years). He's awesome. Really, they have an amazing family. Later that night this picture was posted on the boyfriend's Facebook page. About 5 minutes later he gets a call. Keep in mind it is about 9 at night and where we're from, it's not okay to call after 9 unless it's an emergency. The call was from his nephew and the nephew was asking who I was. He told the boyfriend I was "hot" and some other very flattering descriptive phrases that I was not informed about. Haha, that made me feel significantly better after them silly high school boys told me to try harder. I wasn't even wearing make-up in the picture and my hair was all wind-blown from having ridden horses. So, while I should not be so easily upset and encouraged by these little comments, I am just now coming into being noticed by guys and noticing them back. Plus, the guy that was diggin' on me is a few years older and has a bigger pool of girls and still thought I was worth a "double take". Good thing it was dark when they told me because I was blushing all over!
My brother got a girlfriend. Have I told you about that yet? She got him to smoke pot less and he doesn't drink as much, so that's good. He took the new girlfriend to meet my mama over the weekend without warning mom that the girlfriend was coming. Nobody is telling me anything besides the fact that it went okay. I'm kinda hoping that there are some better stories than that but I guess I'll just have to dig some more this week.
I'm gonna go try to be productive today. We'll see how far that gets me. Also, I think I need to come up with better nicknames for Roommates family... Maybe that's what I'll do today.
Friday, September 26, 2014
Me and My Big Mouth
Mema came into town yesterday so I got to go visit with her and my uncles and their family yesterday. The uncles were seperated because it wasn't a big dinner or anything. So, I was invited to dinner tonight by one and then went to visit with the other. I thought they had been invited and knew about the whole ordeal. They did not... So, I went to the second uncle's house and told them about a barbeque happening tonight that was not actually happening. Awesome.
I got to put out my fire today after realizing the first uncle may not have meant it to be a big deal... Then I explained that to the second uncle's family. Now they are planning one anyway since I invited them to something that wasn't happening and I am thoroughly embarrassed. Praise the L-rd for kind family but I really need to stop assuming those two families talk all the time!
Ugh, if I had a house out there then I could have just invited everyone to my house to fix this whole mess. Instead, I just have to deal with the embarrassment of my big mouth and go to dinner with my tail between my legs. Someday I will learn to watch what I say, until then I will just have to deal with a constantly bruised ego.
I got to put out my fire today after realizing the first uncle may not have meant it to be a big deal... Then I explained that to the second uncle's family. Now they are planning one anyway since I invited them to something that wasn't happening and I am thoroughly embarrassed. Praise the L-rd for kind family but I really need to stop assuming those two families talk all the time!
Ugh, if I had a house out there then I could have just invited everyone to my house to fix this whole mess. Instead, I just have to deal with the embarrassment of my big mouth and go to dinner with my tail between my legs. Someday I will learn to watch what I say, until then I will just have to deal with a constantly bruised ego.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Most Fascinating Lunch
I was able to go out to lunch with a very dear friend of mine today. She and I were nearly inseparable from Best Friend and his roommate freshman year. Last year us girls and the guys hit a bit of a rough patch and then Best Friend and I decided to "try" the "going out" thing. If you recall, that did not go well.
Today at lunch I got a bit of a shock. Okay, a complete and total mind blowing load of information was dumped on me at lunch. Are you ready for this? Seriously, prepare yourself.
Anyway, after I broke up with Best Friend, turns out that he started hanging out with my gal friend a lot. That was not normal. What was unusual, however, is that he started sitting closer to her. Started cuddling. He gave her her first kiss. They made out on a few occasions. He grabbed her butt. Etc. Etc. Etc. She asked him if they were now more than friends because of the intimate moments they shared (as explained above). He told her they were only friends. Odd friends because they kissed, but he maintained that they were just friends. She was so hurt. She didn't want more than that in a relationship but she felt like a booty call because he would come over late at night just to make out with her and lay with her on the couch.
Ya, that bit of information infuriated me. The fact that she didn't tell me earlier so that I could help her get out of that unhealthy relationship made me hurt deeply for her.
After doing that to her, he moved onto another friend of mine. They had plans to go to a concert and even bought their tickets. Several months later, and only about a week before the concert, he texted her asking if it was okay if he brought his girlfriend along. She was crushed because she thought that concert was going to be a date with him. She had also just gotten over a really bad break-up and she trusted him.
My anger is mounting even as I relive this story.
Who knows how many other girls he went through before finding his current girlfriend. Who knows what he really wanted with me to begin with because what he told me is very, very different than what he has been doing. I thought I could trust him but it was all a big sham.
The kicker? I feel like another friend died because the Best Friend that I felt so close to and shared everything with was nothing like this new person in his same body. I thought it was bad enough that I just didn't have him in my life anymore but this feels worse, somehow. Like my experience with him was fake or an act. Maybe it was a dream and I didn't really live through what I thought I lived through.
Lunch was enlightening, infuriating, and heart breaking all at the same time. It was good to catch up with my good pal, but I wished people would tell me these things so that I could help them!!! I could have done something! I could have counseled her through this! I could have prevented her from giving him her first kiss. Praise the L-rd I did not give him mine.
Today at lunch I got a bit of a shock. Okay, a complete and total mind blowing load of information was dumped on me at lunch. Are you ready for this? Seriously, prepare yourself.
Anyway, after I broke up with Best Friend, turns out that he started hanging out with my gal friend a lot. That was not normal. What was unusual, however, is that he started sitting closer to her. Started cuddling. He gave her her first kiss. They made out on a few occasions. He grabbed her butt. Etc. Etc. Etc. She asked him if they were now more than friends because of the intimate moments they shared (as explained above). He told her they were only friends. Odd friends because they kissed, but he maintained that they were just friends. She was so hurt. She didn't want more than that in a relationship but she felt like a booty call because he would come over late at night just to make out with her and lay with her on the couch.
Ya, that bit of information infuriated me. The fact that she didn't tell me earlier so that I could help her get out of that unhealthy relationship made me hurt deeply for her.
After doing that to her, he moved onto another friend of mine. They had plans to go to a concert and even bought their tickets. Several months later, and only about a week before the concert, he texted her asking if it was okay if he brought his girlfriend along. She was crushed because she thought that concert was going to be a date with him. She had also just gotten over a really bad break-up and she trusted him.
My anger is mounting even as I relive this story.
Who knows how many other girls he went through before finding his current girlfriend. Who knows what he really wanted with me to begin with because what he told me is very, very different than what he has been doing. I thought I could trust him but it was all a big sham.
The kicker? I feel like another friend died because the Best Friend that I felt so close to and shared everything with was nothing like this new person in his same body. I thought it was bad enough that I just didn't have him in my life anymore but this feels worse, somehow. Like my experience with him was fake or an act. Maybe it was a dream and I didn't really live through what I thought I lived through.
Lunch was enlightening, infuriating, and heart breaking all at the same time. It was good to catch up with my good pal, but I wished people would tell me these things so that I could help them!!! I could have done something! I could have counseled her through this! I could have prevented her from giving him her first kiss. Praise the L-rd I did not give him mine.
Monday, September 22, 2014
Naivety Kills: Part 2
So, do y'all remember about a year ago when some strange, college aged guys came to my door and scammed me out of $20? Well, you can read that post again here. Today a different set of guys doing the same thing came to my door. Guys I did so well!!! They were flirting and I kept ignoring it. They asked for a decision to try to get money from me and I denied them at least 5 times. Dude, I'm getting smarter about people!!!
That was it.
The end.
That was it.
The end.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Update from Yesterday's Fiasco
I email the professor of the class that I missed my test from explaining that I had a mental/emotional breakdown (without getting into any details). Anyway, he totally opened the test back up so I could take it again! Oh my gosh, praise the L-rd!!! I am so beyond relieved right now I cannot even explain it fully to you. Seriously, this teacher clearly outlines in his syllabus that there will be no retakes besides major health concerns or anything short of you dying, and he allowed me to retake it because I simply told him I lost my mind.
These are the things G-d does for me on a daily basis. This and so many other little and big things alike, I just can't even contain how grateful I am that G-d softened the professors heart and allowed me this chance.
These are the things G-d does for me on a daily basis. This and so many other little and big things alike, I just can't even contain how grateful I am that G-d softened the professors heart and allowed me this chance.
"So, how do you feel about that?"
It is the point in my nursing school career where I am learning about Mental Health Nursing, aka: Psych Nursing. It's rough. I DON'T DO FEELINGS!!! Plus, it's all been pretty common sense stuff so far and the teacher screwed up my schedule for the first month. My classes are supposed to be Mon-Tues with clinicals on Weds. What does the teacher do for the first month? She's making us come in on Fridays or one Thursday. I made my work schedule so that I would be able to work Thursday night thinking I could sleep and do homework the next day but now I get to be up from 0600 on Thursday to babysit, stay up all night at work, and then sit through a mind numbing lecture for 6-7 hours the next day. Awesome.
My course load is really light this semester so I figured one online class would not be so bad. I could have handled it if I hadn't have had a freaking mental breakdown today after class and then passed out for the rest of the afternoon. I woke up at 11:55 p.m. That would be no problem but I had planned to do an assignment instead of sleep. That assignment was due at 11:59 p.m. I missed it by seconds and I am more than angry because now I have no hopes of getting anything over a B just because I missed one assignment. I also only have 26 points that I can miss for the rest of the semester without then getting no higher than a C. I know it is my fault for not doing it earlier and for also falling asleep instead of finishing my work. I sat down with the intention of resting for just a minute and then I completely crashed into something similar to a drug-induced coma, but I hadn't taken any drugs. Good news, my anxiety level is so freakin' high right now I won't be able to sleep at all for the rest of the night.
Lecture for psych today was suicide. I started crying in class. Just a couple of tears before I got it under control, but I don't cry in public bathrooms let alone in class. Plus, a kid at the university, who was friends with many of the nursing students, committed suicide a couple of days ago so lots of other girls were struggling with the lecture as well. So I came home, ugly cried for a solid hour to the point where I couldn't breathe, and laid on the floor contemplating why after 5 attempts to end my own life (with measures that should have ended it with the first try and even got worse with each try after) G-d allowed me to live with no serious medical issues but Country Boy only needed 1 try to complete his suicide. All the crashes G-d has saved me from, all the medical issues and other circumstances (self-induced and otherwise) that should have killed me over the course of my life, G-d keeps me around. Why? Why do I get spared while my friend loses her husband in a car wreck after only their second anniversary of marriage? Why me? What is it that I am here for that I have to be kept around? What is it that I'm supposed to be here for?
I wasn't going to go into that stuff with you guys, I was just going to vent about the rotten cherry atop my horrendous sundae of an unbelievably awful week.
My course load is really light this semester so I figured one online class would not be so bad. I could have handled it if I hadn't have had a freaking mental breakdown today after class and then passed out for the rest of the afternoon. I woke up at 11:55 p.m. That would be no problem but I had planned to do an assignment instead of sleep. That assignment was due at 11:59 p.m. I missed it by seconds and I am more than angry because now I have no hopes of getting anything over a B just because I missed one assignment. I also only have 26 points that I can miss for the rest of the semester without then getting no higher than a C. I know it is my fault for not doing it earlier and for also falling asleep instead of finishing my work. I sat down with the intention of resting for just a minute and then I completely crashed into something similar to a drug-induced coma, but I hadn't taken any drugs. Good news, my anxiety level is so freakin' high right now I won't be able to sleep at all for the rest of the night.
Lecture for psych today was suicide. I started crying in class. Just a couple of tears before I got it under control, but I don't cry in public bathrooms let alone in class. Plus, a kid at the university, who was friends with many of the nursing students, committed suicide a couple of days ago so lots of other girls were struggling with the lecture as well. So I came home, ugly cried for a solid hour to the point where I couldn't breathe, and laid on the floor contemplating why after 5 attempts to end my own life (with measures that should have ended it with the first try and even got worse with each try after) G-d allowed me to live with no serious medical issues but Country Boy only needed 1 try to complete his suicide. All the crashes G-d has saved me from, all the medical issues and other circumstances (self-induced and otherwise) that should have killed me over the course of my life, G-d keeps me around. Why? Why do I get spared while my friend loses her husband in a car wreck after only their second anniversary of marriage? Why me? What is it that I am here for that I have to be kept around? What is it that I'm supposed to be here for?
I wasn't going to go into that stuff with you guys, I was just going to vent about the rotten cherry atop my horrendous sundae of an unbelievably awful week.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Found This Randomly On Pinterest
So I found this randomly on Pinterest today while trying to learn how to do my makeup... How it got to this type of subject matter, I'm not sure.
This post nearly broke my heart again because there is hardly a day I go for more than a few hours before getting reminded of Country Boy. I still see guys that look like him in the store and my heart skips a beat. I dream of him. I can't go into Super Targets that have a Starbucks inside because that was our/my first "date"-like thing. When I get dressed up I wonder how he would have reacted. When I go dancing I wonder if he would have danced with me. I only knew him for a few months but he was the first guy to make me actually feel like a girl instead of one of the guys, or some stupid chick that just shows up randomly at fun events.
Suicide broke my heart and continues to break it several times a day. Please forgive the language in this picture/post, I don't use this kind of language, but it captures a bit of the anger and pain I feel.
This post nearly broke my heart again because there is hardly a day I go for more than a few hours before getting reminded of Country Boy. I still see guys that look like him in the store and my heart skips a beat. I dream of him. I can't go into Super Targets that have a Starbucks inside because that was our/my first "date"-like thing. When I get dressed up I wonder how he would have reacted. When I go dancing I wonder if he would have danced with me. I only knew him for a few months but he was the first guy to make me actually feel like a girl instead of one of the guys, or some stupid chick that just shows up randomly at fun events.
Suicide broke my heart and continues to break it several times a day. Please forgive the language in this picture/post, I don't use this kind of language, but it captures a bit of the anger and pain I feel.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Boys are Better
Over the past couple of weeks I have had the same conversation with nearly every one of my groups of friends that I come into contact with. The subject of why it's better to be a guy in comparison to my experience being a girl. You may disagree with some of my point, and that is okay. You can discuss it or simply understand that I am a tomboy with a "different" outlook on life.
Now, why is that Y chromosome able to make them better? Let's explore some of the reasons.
1) They can pee standing up which allows them to relieve themselves much more easily than us females. I need a place to sit/squat, some extra privacy (because we are much more exposed), and often I like to have an actual bathroom as opposed to a tree or bush. I also NEED a place to wash my hands with soap and water because germs. Yes, that is poor grammar and no, I do not wish to change it.
2) They smell better after working out.* I, on the other hand, do not smell nearly as nice after working out and require a shower immediately. Therefore, I tend to not do things to make me sweat because then I smell like a rotting carcass and people wonder what died.
*This comes with some exclusions and also with a time frame. Now, they typically smell okay for the first 20-30 minutes after beginning to sweat, after that it gets questionable quickly!
3) They don't have to shave. Think about this, it is typically socially unacceptable for a female in America to not shave her armpits or legs, especially if either one will be exposed. Guys, however, brag about long armpit hair, they get teased if the shave their leg hair, and facial hair is acceptable whether shaved or grown. Why do they get to be hairy beasts and we have to be hairless in all the right places with long hair on our heads?
4) Guys are better at EVERYTHING!!! Shooting guns? Guys can hit more targets and shoot guns better than girls can. Sports? Most guys can pick up any ball and innately know how to play it while I can't even hold the ball with one hand because my hands are too small. Driving? Guys pick up learning stick shift a whole lot faster than the ladies I have taught and way, way faster than it took me to learn it. Playing with kids? Guys are still kids so they have a weird ability to be able to play for hours with children while I struggle to understand what they want me to do to keep them entertained. Riding horses? How do they look so good while riding a horse? I mean seriously. Fixing stuff? I think that Y chromosome automatically makes guys understand how to fix cars, motors, stuff around the house, and also gives them the ability to drive or operate any type of machinery they come across.
5) They are physically stronger. I can barely pick up something that is 60-75 pounds after working out and strength training for months. Guys, because of testosterone, don't have to work out but can still pick up things that are twice the weight of me without ever doing anything to build up that strength. All because of testosterone.
6) They can roll out of bed and look good after about 15 minutes of getting ready. If I was to look even half way decent, it takes me a solid hour and a half. If I want to look good enough to go to a wedding, I takes at least 3 hours and a team of about 23 people who are specialized in "tough cases" to dress me, do my hair and make-up, and take care of everything else.
7) They typically cause less drama in their friend groups because they are fairly honest with what they are thinking. They also, typically, live in the here and now or in the future. Girls like to drag things out, keep secrets, gossip, and play games with each other. Females also like to drudge things up from the past and then over-analyze what happened, which means fights are never really over while guys beat each other up and forget about the issue almost immediately.
The list goes on, these are just the main points I remembered from what my friends and I came up with.
What brought this up? My general jealousy that I cannot do anything right while the guys in my life are able to excel at just about anything they try. Also, I had a couple of guys tell me that I need to try harder to look good because my hair was "poofy" (their words). Well, I got defensive but mostly kept if to myself. However, that is eating a hole in my sanity and I decided to express it here.
I looked bad because I had been up for 36 hours at that point, I was running on 7 hours of fitful sleep, I had worked the night before then showered before going to tutor one of my cousins. I then proceeded to keep busy the rest of the day (an also slightly late the rest of the day) and did not have time or energy to look decent nor did it seem particularly important because it was a miracle I was awake and pleasant to begin with. To be poked at by someone who does not know what it is like to be a girl, let alone work all night, was not something I had prepared myself to deal with. Also, when I do take the time to try to look okay, nobody cares! They don't notice. Instead, they just come up with something else that I'm not doing right and then harp on that for awhile. Plus, I'm not one of those innately pretty people nor do I know how to use make-up and stuff to make myself look like I might be beautiful. My job is not to be on Earth just to look good for some boy. I am a plain tomboy who takes the time to care for others instead of worrying about my appearances. I could look worse, but what you see is my effort to simply stay sane.
Praise the L-rd I was too tired to tell them all that. Instead, I simply told them that I looked worse before then shut my mouth and laughed along with them while "joking" that they hurt my feeling (yes, singular). It stings though. It brings back what kids have been saying since I was little. It also doesn't help that it was from a guy who I am sorta crushing on and another guy who I really like hanging out with because they are both super fun. This also makes me want to try harder, but then they'll tease me for getting dolled up. So, I came home, did my make-up in what was supposed to be a smokey eye, drank a beer and watched children's movies until I crashed on the couch.
It's a struggle to be somewhere between girl and guy, child and adult, country and city. I don't know where I belong. I was raised to focus on being smart instead of pretty. When I was a baby and people told my mom I was pretty, beautiful or cute, she would tell them I was smart, which she felt was/is more important. Now, I don't feel smart, or pretty. Now I'm just confused.
Now, why is that Y chromosome able to make them better? Let's explore some of the reasons.
1) They can pee standing up which allows them to relieve themselves much more easily than us females. I need a place to sit/squat, some extra privacy (because we are much more exposed), and often I like to have an actual bathroom as opposed to a tree or bush. I also NEED a place to wash my hands with soap and water because germs. Yes, that is poor grammar and no, I do not wish to change it.
2) They smell better after working out.* I, on the other hand, do not smell nearly as nice after working out and require a shower immediately. Therefore, I tend to not do things to make me sweat because then I smell like a rotting carcass and people wonder what died.
*This comes with some exclusions and also with a time frame. Now, they typically smell okay for the first 20-30 minutes after beginning to sweat, after that it gets questionable quickly!
3) They don't have to shave. Think about this, it is typically socially unacceptable for a female in America to not shave her armpits or legs, especially if either one will be exposed. Guys, however, brag about long armpit hair, they get teased if the shave their leg hair, and facial hair is acceptable whether shaved or grown. Why do they get to be hairy beasts and we have to be hairless in all the right places with long hair on our heads?
4) Guys are better at EVERYTHING!!! Shooting guns? Guys can hit more targets and shoot guns better than girls can. Sports? Most guys can pick up any ball and innately know how to play it while I can't even hold the ball with one hand because my hands are too small. Driving? Guys pick up learning stick shift a whole lot faster than the ladies I have taught and way, way faster than it took me to learn it. Playing with kids? Guys are still kids so they have a weird ability to be able to play for hours with children while I struggle to understand what they want me to do to keep them entertained. Riding horses? How do they look so good while riding a horse? I mean seriously. Fixing stuff? I think that Y chromosome automatically makes guys understand how to fix cars, motors, stuff around the house, and also gives them the ability to drive or operate any type of machinery they come across.
5) They are physically stronger. I can barely pick up something that is 60-75 pounds after working out and strength training for months. Guys, because of testosterone, don't have to work out but can still pick up things that are twice the weight of me without ever doing anything to build up that strength. All because of testosterone.
6) They can roll out of bed and look good after about 15 minutes of getting ready. If I was to look even half way decent, it takes me a solid hour and a half. If I want to look good enough to go to a wedding, I takes at least 3 hours and a team of about 23 people who are specialized in "tough cases" to dress me, do my hair and make-up, and take care of everything else.
7) They typically cause less drama in their friend groups because they are fairly honest with what they are thinking. They also, typically, live in the here and now or in the future. Girls like to drag things out, keep secrets, gossip, and play games with each other. Females also like to drudge things up from the past and then over-analyze what happened, which means fights are never really over while guys beat each other up and forget about the issue almost immediately.
The list goes on, these are just the main points I remembered from what my friends and I came up with.
What brought this up? My general jealousy that I cannot do anything right while the guys in my life are able to excel at just about anything they try. Also, I had a couple of guys tell me that I need to try harder to look good because my hair was "poofy" (their words). Well, I got defensive but mostly kept if to myself. However, that is eating a hole in my sanity and I decided to express it here.
I looked bad because I had been up for 36 hours at that point, I was running on 7 hours of fitful sleep, I had worked the night before then showered before going to tutor one of my cousins. I then proceeded to keep busy the rest of the day (an also slightly late the rest of the day) and did not have time or energy to look decent nor did it seem particularly important because it was a miracle I was awake and pleasant to begin with. To be poked at by someone who does not know what it is like to be a girl, let alone work all night, was not something I had prepared myself to deal with. Also, when I do take the time to try to look okay, nobody cares! They don't notice. Instead, they just come up with something else that I'm not doing right and then harp on that for awhile. Plus, I'm not one of those innately pretty people nor do I know how to use make-up and stuff to make myself look like I might be beautiful. My job is not to be on Earth just to look good for some boy. I am a plain tomboy who takes the time to care for others instead of worrying about my appearances. I could look worse, but what you see is my effort to simply stay sane.
Praise the L-rd I was too tired to tell them all that. Instead, I simply told them that I looked worse before then shut my mouth and laughed along with them while "joking" that they hurt my feeling (yes, singular). It stings though. It brings back what kids have been saying since I was little. It also doesn't help that it was from a guy who I am sorta crushing on and another guy who I really like hanging out with because they are both super fun. This also makes me want to try harder, but then they'll tease me for getting dolled up. So, I came home, did my make-up in what was supposed to be a smokey eye, drank a beer and watched children's movies until I crashed on the couch.
It's a struggle to be somewhere between girl and guy, child and adult, country and city. I don't know where I belong. I was raised to focus on being smart instead of pretty. When I was a baby and people told my mom I was pretty, beautiful or cute, she would tell them I was smart, which she felt was/is more important. Now, I don't feel smart, or pretty. Now I'm just confused.
Homecoming Weekend
This is my second post of the day because I had quite a busy weekend.
It started off freezing cold because apparently the place I live can't smoothly transition between seasons, it just kind of kicks in and out for awhile until people get used to it and then it starts changing again. So, we were supposed to go ride horses but ended up calling that off to stay home and bake some delicious zucchini bread and brownies. Dude, my roommate can bake and cook like a pro! Maybe I could learn how to cook well for my future husband (hopefully a cowboy but we'll see...)
Then we watched a movie. By we I mean her while I fell asleep on the couch because I had worked the night before. I got about 30 minutes in before my 12-year-old cousin came home from school. He lives across the street from her, but really he kinda lives at her house too because that kid is so social! My dad and his two brothers all got that social gene and passed it to their sons, but I got none of it. Seriously, I am about as social as a cactus.
Then it was time for the high school volleyball game! I miss playing volleyball even though I wasn't super great at it. This high school was the one my dad and his brothers went to. Well, technically, they tore his down a couple of years ago and built a new one, but some of his teachers still work there. It's weird going places that my dad and grandparents used to go and feeling that sense of past, but not actually being able to have that as my past too. Since I can't go back in time, I figure I will just live vicariously through my cousins and Roommate's cousins as they go through high school there. I can't experience everything, but I'm starting to get a taste of what my dad got to do.
Later we went to a bonfire and the football game was the next day. It was so fun! The more I go out there, the more jealous I get that I wasn't able to grow up out there where my cousins get to live and experience because they get the life that my grandparents and uncles got and especially what my dad got.
On the plus side, I got to chill with my two uncles a whole bunch this weekend and even got to drive on of my uncle's trucks in the town parade! Ya, it was pretty cool.
Just before coming back home to the city we had to go round up a steer that had gotten loose. He managed to get into a field with a a whole bunch of other cows and a bull. Dude, I tore my jeans-my only pair of jeans and they were actually really cute and sparkly on the pockets-climbing over the barbed wire, electric fence. Then we had to walk around the whole herd to get them into a smaller pen in order to then trailer the single steer because he was a little crazy and doesn't like doing anything alone. The bull I mentioned before was staring me down the whole time. My Roommate and her cousin warned me to try to run if he started charging at me, but that did little to calm my nerves at being sized up by a huge animal with loads of testosterone and a couple of horns! Due to the way guys work, we ended up working harder than we should have because they refused to listen to us girls and also did not fully think the whole plan through before implementing it. Needless to say, we finally got the steer separated and life went on.
Now I really want cattle. I wanted cattle before, but now I need them just like I now need horses and goats and sheep and chickens and every other type of animal I can get my hands on. Hopefully someday I can get some land, critters, and a cowboy who actually can teach me how to care for such animals. Until then, I will take all the exposure I can get with them. I pray I do not find myself on the business end of a bulls horns though, I don't need that much experience.
It started off freezing cold because apparently the place I live can't smoothly transition between seasons, it just kind of kicks in and out for awhile until people get used to it and then it starts changing again. So, we were supposed to go ride horses but ended up calling that off to stay home and bake some delicious zucchini bread and brownies. Dude, my roommate can bake and cook like a pro! Maybe I could learn how to cook well for my future husband (hopefully a cowboy but we'll see...)
Then we watched a movie. By we I mean her while I fell asleep on the couch because I had worked the night before. I got about 30 minutes in before my 12-year-old cousin came home from school. He lives across the street from her, but really he kinda lives at her house too because that kid is so social! My dad and his two brothers all got that social gene and passed it to their sons, but I got none of it. Seriously, I am about as social as a cactus.
Then it was time for the high school volleyball game! I miss playing volleyball even though I wasn't super great at it. This high school was the one my dad and his brothers went to. Well, technically, they tore his down a couple of years ago and built a new one, but some of his teachers still work there. It's weird going places that my dad and grandparents used to go and feeling that sense of past, but not actually being able to have that as my past too. Since I can't go back in time, I figure I will just live vicariously through my cousins and Roommate's cousins as they go through high school there. I can't experience everything, but I'm starting to get a taste of what my dad got to do.
Later we went to a bonfire and the football game was the next day. It was so fun! The more I go out there, the more jealous I get that I wasn't able to grow up out there where my cousins get to live and experience because they get the life that my grandparents and uncles got and especially what my dad got.
On the plus side, I got to chill with my two uncles a whole bunch this weekend and even got to drive on of my uncle's trucks in the town parade! Ya, it was pretty cool.
Just before coming back home to the city we had to go round up a steer that had gotten loose. He managed to get into a field with a a whole bunch of other cows and a bull. Dude, I tore my jeans-my only pair of jeans and they were actually really cute and sparkly on the pockets-climbing over the barbed wire, electric fence. Then we had to walk around the whole herd to get them into a smaller pen in order to then trailer the single steer because he was a little crazy and doesn't like doing anything alone. The bull I mentioned before was staring me down the whole time. My Roommate and her cousin warned me to try to run if he started charging at me, but that did little to calm my nerves at being sized up by a huge animal with loads of testosterone and a couple of horns! Due to the way guys work, we ended up working harder than we should have because they refused to listen to us girls and also did not fully think the whole plan through before implementing it. Needless to say, we finally got the steer separated and life went on.
Now I really want cattle. I wanted cattle before, but now I need them just like I now need horses and goats and sheep and chickens and every other type of animal I can get my hands on. Hopefully someday I can get some land, critters, and a cowboy who actually can teach me how to care for such animals. Until then, I will take all the exposure I can get with them. I pray I do not find myself on the business end of a bulls horns though, I don't need that much experience.
The Great Debate: Does this sound like flirting?
A few nights ago we decided to keep Roommate's dog (a chihuahua) at our apartment for a couple of nights to see how it would work out if we decide to pay the pet rent and keep her with us. Her mom had driven into town to see us, which is about a 45 minute drive from their country home to where we met. We were not expecting to keep the puppy with us but we both love critters and were missing the joy dogs bring.
Long story short, we needed some supplies for the dog. So, on the way home we stopped by the local Walgreens and picked up a can of dog food and a dish brush. Now, the brush was for the sugar glider's cage so we could clean it easier.
Anywho, we bring our items to the cashier and he just looks at us and asks, "Really? A dish brush and a can of dog food?" That's all he said.
I responded, "It's been a weird day..." At which time my roommate and I both giggled a little to keep from exploding in laughter and looked at each other.
Now, Roommate's mom thinks he was flirting. I, however, think he may have been high or something. But, if that was his attempt at flirting, he needs to work on that because I totally did not get it!*
*Note: It's beside the point that I don't know what flirting is...
Long story short, we needed some supplies for the dog. So, on the way home we stopped by the local Walgreens and picked up a can of dog food and a dish brush. Now, the brush was for the sugar glider's cage so we could clean it easier.
Anywho, we bring our items to the cashier and he just looks at us and asks, "Really? A dish brush and a can of dog food?" That's all he said.
I responded, "It's been a weird day..." At which time my roommate and I both giggled a little to keep from exploding in laughter and looked at each other.
Now, Roommate's mom thinks he was flirting. I, however, think he may have been high or something. But, if that was his attempt at flirting, he needs to work on that because I totally did not get it!*
*Note: It's beside the point that I don't know what flirting is...
Monday, September 8, 2014
Love Stories and Princess Movies
Growing up I was never really shown the princess movies or love story movies. I was not read those types of books and I was mostly unaware of what normal girls are raised with as far as the fairy tale ending of life is concerned.
Instead, I grew up with toy trucks, remote control cars, guns, Bible stories, Lincoln Logs, and dirt bikes. I was raised by a tom boy and my dad to be a very independent, strong-willed, surprisingly quiet-spirited tom boy.
Since I did not have a whole lot of exposure to these girly things, they hit me like a ton of bricks when I was about ten and I got a friend who was all sorts of girly. Goodness me!
At first it didn't seem to be a big deal. We had sleepovers just about every weekend. We watched movies, talked about boys, did our nails, and sometimes we fought. I was so unused to all of those things but they seemed normal because that's what I had seen on t.v.
As time has gone on, I have noticed a pattern within myself after watching/reading these girly happily ever after stories. When I first begin watching them or reading the books, I will be happy. They make me feel good. Somehow, they give me "hope" that I will have a future filled with love and some sweet guy that sweeps me off my feet and life goes about merrily and everyone lives "happily ever after". Give me 2 weeks max of being okay with these types of books and movies and then cynicism hits hard. I start picking out the flaws in their plots. My eyes roll uncontrollably when the guy does something sweet or when life ends up just perfect for those stupid fictional characters while my friend's husband dies a week after their 2nd wedding anniversary or I get mad because nobody hit on me at a dance after I had worked so hard to look as pretty as I will ever get. About a week of that and I become flat out angry. 2-7 days after the angry phase and depression hits. Whether this is from the stories or from me now having to be in school and the sun staying in the sky for much shorter periods of time, I don't know. I just know that signs of the beginning of my depression spells are coming and they are hitting really hard and really fast.
Most of all, I think I did this to myself. I know I should not watch these movies and read these stories because I get like this every time. I figured I would "treat" myself over the summer so that I could read instead of sit on the couch and run out of Netflix binge opportunities because I have seen them all already... But I know how I get every time.
I always think, "maybe this will be the year that I can just leave the fiction in the fictional world and be able to separate if from my real-life." Every year I prove myself wrong. I start dreaming of guys and making my Pinterest boards of my fantasy wedding and dates that I would like to go on, but they don't come.
I did however start to develop my first crush since Country Boy died and I broke up with Best Friend (although that still doesn't seem totally real to me). This crush can't last though. I'm too old for him and I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm a ditz. Mostly because I am... But I'm really smart! I promise!!! My brain just completely shuts off when I don't have to be constantly thinking and then my brain doesn't shut my mouth off so I just say the dumbest things and can't stop. It's really embarrassing, especially in front of country boys because I'm not some city girl but I wasn't raised in the country either. I say I was raised country in the city, but that just means I don't belong in either place. Like the not Jewish but not really Christian thing because I'm Messianic. Or the not fully girl because I act like a boy but I have those two darn X chromosomes instead of an X and a Y.
I think I'm having a mild identity crisis along with my worsening depression symptoms... Good news I am doing my mental health rotation this semester. Also, I have learned that I should have been hospitalized several times due to my symptoms and behaviors but I'm super good at hiding stuff so nobody was able to do anything to help me. Praise the L-rd for allowing me to live through what legitimately should have killed me. I'm finding my way back to him but life is getting even harder and I didn't think that would be possible after losing my brother (to him being stupid and moving out), me breaking my best friend, and then my friend killing himself. So, I keep saying the same things over and over here but nothing changes. I keep telling people I'm "good" or "fine" but that's because I don't want to burden them or make them worry. I lie but I got myself into this hole.
Saw this video on Facebook the other day and it's actually a really decent depiction of some of the struggles depression causes. So, if you have a spare moment, go ahead and watch this: Depression Video.
Instead, I grew up with toy trucks, remote control cars, guns, Bible stories, Lincoln Logs, and dirt bikes. I was raised by a tom boy and my dad to be a very independent, strong-willed, surprisingly quiet-spirited tom boy.
Since I did not have a whole lot of exposure to these girly things, they hit me like a ton of bricks when I was about ten and I got a friend who was all sorts of girly. Goodness me!
At first it didn't seem to be a big deal. We had sleepovers just about every weekend. We watched movies, talked about boys, did our nails, and sometimes we fought. I was so unused to all of those things but they seemed normal because that's what I had seen on t.v.
As time has gone on, I have noticed a pattern within myself after watching/reading these girly happily ever after stories. When I first begin watching them or reading the books, I will be happy. They make me feel good. Somehow, they give me "hope" that I will have a future filled with love and some sweet guy that sweeps me off my feet and life goes about merrily and everyone lives "happily ever after". Give me 2 weeks max of being okay with these types of books and movies and then cynicism hits hard. I start picking out the flaws in their plots. My eyes roll uncontrollably when the guy does something sweet or when life ends up just perfect for those stupid fictional characters while my friend's husband dies a week after their 2nd wedding anniversary or I get mad because nobody hit on me at a dance after I had worked so hard to look as pretty as I will ever get. About a week of that and I become flat out angry. 2-7 days after the angry phase and depression hits. Whether this is from the stories or from me now having to be in school and the sun staying in the sky for much shorter periods of time, I don't know. I just know that signs of the beginning of my depression spells are coming and they are hitting really hard and really fast.
Most of all, I think I did this to myself. I know I should not watch these movies and read these stories because I get like this every time. I figured I would "treat" myself over the summer so that I could read instead of sit on the couch and run out of Netflix binge opportunities because I have seen them all already... But I know how I get every time.
I always think, "maybe this will be the year that I can just leave the fiction in the fictional world and be able to separate if from my real-life." Every year I prove myself wrong. I start dreaming of guys and making my Pinterest boards of my fantasy wedding and dates that I would like to go on, but they don't come.
I did however start to develop my first crush since Country Boy died and I broke up with Best Friend (although that still doesn't seem totally real to me). This crush can't last though. I'm too old for him and I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm a ditz. Mostly because I am... But I'm really smart! I promise!!! My brain just completely shuts off when I don't have to be constantly thinking and then my brain doesn't shut my mouth off so I just say the dumbest things and can't stop. It's really embarrassing, especially in front of country boys because I'm not some city girl but I wasn't raised in the country either. I say I was raised country in the city, but that just means I don't belong in either place. Like the not Jewish but not really Christian thing because I'm Messianic. Or the not fully girl because I act like a boy but I have those two darn X chromosomes instead of an X and a Y.I think I'm having a mild identity crisis along with my worsening depression symptoms... Good news I am doing my mental health rotation this semester. Also, I have learned that I should have been hospitalized several times due to my symptoms and behaviors but I'm super good at hiding stuff so nobody was able to do anything to help me. Praise the L-rd for allowing me to live through what legitimately should have killed me. I'm finding my way back to him but life is getting even harder and I didn't think that would be possible after losing my brother (to him being stupid and moving out), me breaking my best friend, and then my friend killing himself. So, I keep saying the same things over and over here but nothing changes. I keep telling people I'm "good" or "fine" but that's because I don't want to burden them or make them worry. I lie but I got myself into this hole.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Slightly Ripped Off
So I went and got my eyes checked to see if I needed glasses. I thought it would cost about $200. No, it was $350 for a prescription strength I could have gotten for $20 at Walgreens... Ugh, why can't they just make life nicer for everyone and say, "Hey, you can have glasses if you would like and you can buy then super cheep at the local drug store or pharmacy." Instead they cost me about 18 times more than I needed to be charged.
Anywho, school is going well so far. I am still trying to forgive my teacher for making us come into school on Fridays and ruining my whole extra long (entire week) weekend for Labor Day (because I only have class Mon-Weds but then we get Mon/Tues off for Labor day). So, I could have had an extra week off of school!!! Oh well.
My glasses are kinda cute though! I can't post pictures of me because this is supposed to be an anonymous blog, but I will post some look-alike pictures! You ready? I got two frames (plastic and metal).
So, what do you think? I know it's hard to know what they look like on me, but my friends say they look okay.
Well, I am going to do my homework for tomorrow which is my only day of class this whole week and it is pointless to go but required... Y'all please pray that I do not slam my head through a wall!
Anywho, school is going well so far. I am still trying to forgive my teacher for making us come into school on Fridays and ruining my whole extra long (entire week) weekend for Labor Day (because I only have class Mon-Weds but then we get Mon/Tues off for Labor day). So, I could have had an extra week off of school!!! Oh well.
My glasses are kinda cute though! I can't post pictures of me because this is supposed to be an anonymous blog, but I will post some look-alike pictures! You ready? I got two frames (plastic and metal).
Well, I am going to do my homework for tomorrow which is my only day of class this whole week and it is pointless to go but required... Y'all please pray that I do not slam my head through a wall!
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Junior year starts tomorrow. Oh joy.
I am already having heart palpitations over school starting tomorrow. Not because I am nervous for school but because our teachers are out to get us! Seriously, I'm not even being dramatic. Okay, maybe I am. But why is it okay for them to require you to go to class on days that you were not scheduled for class and with no more than a couple of days warning? My schedule this semester is Mon, Tues, Weds. That's it. However, one of my teachers is requiring me to come in on Friday (and 1 Thursday) for the next 4 weeks. I have to work! Other people have other classes! Why can these teachers accept that we have other commitments and keep our required days to days that we agree to sign up for?!
My rant is over for now.
In brighter news, my roommate is in the apartment full-time and we are getting along swimmingly!
For those of you starting school again or have already started, have fun! Don't get too overwhelmed at the coming semester/year. And remember we just have a few months to get the the light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, I will try to take my own advice too.
My rant is over for now.
In brighter news, my roommate is in the apartment full-time and we are getting along swimmingly!
For those of you starting school again or have already started, have fun! Don't get too overwhelmed at the coming semester/year. And remember we just have a few months to get the the light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, I will try to take my own advice too.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
It's about time!
I figured I would try to stop my negativity from coming through so heavily and let you know the fun I have been having this summer!
I volunteered at a local rodeo which wasn't super fun, but I did get to watch bits and pieces throughout and there was a dance afterwards that I went to. The first night we went dancing I went with my buddy (Big Red) who is very much a city girl and happy to be. That's cool, I don't judge. I ended up convincing my new Roommate (I need to find her a nickname).
OH MAN! We were standing watching the dancing and a cowboy came over and asked to dance with me!!! No, I don't know how to dance. I was forthcoming with this information and he told me it was no big deal, he would teach me. <3 I was being twirled and guided and the smile on my face never left. Unfortunately, I did not get his number but he was just a sweet guy that was dancing with all the wallflowers.
A couple of days ago Roommate took me to ride her new horses and now I NEED one. No joke. I NEED a horse more than I need air. Well, maybe not that much. I am so excited she has horses though because that means that I can ride them too! We also went to the county fair out where she lives and watch another rodeo. Then we got to talk to her guy friends that she introduced me to about 5 years ago when we first met and it turns out they live down the road from us in the city. I knew they went to my university because they would come by and visit with me when I was working my IT job. Anywho, they are a hoot and I'm so excited for this coming year.
Have y'all ever heard of sugar gliders? There was a table at the fair with a guy selling them. They're kinda strange looking, but really cute. They love to cuddle and fly. Just watch...
Roommate and I saw them and decided we really wanted one. They were grossly overpriced at the fair so we started shopping around with some of her friends that have them. Well, one of their family friends heard that we wanted one and he bought it for her/us! So, now we have one of these little critters. She and I are kind of a dangerous mix because we both love animals... but we live in an apartment... I'll give y'all a whole bio about Roomie another day.
Oooh! I got to go camping with my family and extended family. Three days of nothing was absolutely beautiful. We got to make s'mores, I ate way more than I should have but hey, it was my vacation.
I volunteered at a local rodeo which wasn't super fun, but I did get to watch bits and pieces throughout and there was a dance afterwards that I went to. The first night we went dancing I went with my buddy (Big Red) who is very much a city girl and happy to be. That's cool, I don't judge. I ended up convincing my new Roommate (I need to find her a nickname).
OH MAN! We were standing watching the dancing and a cowboy came over and asked to dance with me!!! No, I don't know how to dance. I was forthcoming with this information and he told me it was no big deal, he would teach me. <3 I was being twirled and guided and the smile on my face never left. Unfortunately, I did not get his number but he was just a sweet guy that was dancing with all the wallflowers.
A couple of days ago Roommate took me to ride her new horses and now I NEED one. No joke. I NEED a horse more than I need air. Well, maybe not that much. I am so excited she has horses though because that means that I can ride them too! We also went to the county fair out where she lives and watch another rodeo. Then we got to talk to her guy friends that she introduced me to about 5 years ago when we first met and it turns out they live down the road from us in the city. I knew they went to my university because they would come by and visit with me when I was working my IT job. Anywho, they are a hoot and I'm so excited for this coming year.
Have y'all ever heard of sugar gliders? There was a table at the fair with a guy selling them. They're kinda strange looking, but really cute. They love to cuddle and fly. Just watch...
Oooh! I got to go camping with my family and extended family. Three days of nothing was absolutely beautiful. We got to make s'mores, I ate way more than I should have but hey, it was my vacation.
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Can I rant again?
After several months of searching my town for a new and cheaper housing option with my new roommate, we came up empty. Instead, we decided to stay at the apartment I had shared with my brother just so that we would have a place that was permanent.
I like this apartment but they jacked up the prices WAY too much! At first they wanted me to go from $845/month to $970/month. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?! Seriously, what makes them believe they are ever going to get that amount? That's just insane, especially considering that they were only going to charge $940 for a brand new renter to start a lease.
We waited a few months and looked around until they came down to $930 and I convinced them to let me sign for that new signers amount. I had called to renew and then they emailed me to confirm our conversation. That email got "lost" for a few weeks and they called me in a panic saying they were going to make me pay about $1080 a month if I didn't call back to tell them to renew the lease. Ridiculous. In that time, however, the price of my apartment dropped again by another $25-30.
I checked online to make sure and then I asked them in the email what the going rate was for at that time. They told me I would be able to renew @ $970 again. No, that's not happening. So I forwarded the email that confirmed my price without wanting to fight them anymore and realized right after I signed the lease that I should have called in (but I was camping and had no service in addition to it being a weekend after the office was already closed) and gotten them to give me the $905 it was being advertised for on their site.
Promptly after realizing that, I emailed them to ask why they didn't inform me of the actual price and gave me a grossly inflated price. That was about a week ago and they still have not replied.
Now I am just ridiculously angry and they are fixin' to get the gnarly end of a strongly worded phone call. Well, I say that but I can never be angry on the phone because I don't like to frustrate other people or hurt their feelings. But it is not okay to be taking advantage of people just because you assume they don't know any better than the information you give them!
I am so tired of people taking advantage of me. Praise the L-rd that He is teaching me how to stand up for myself while still being nice and considerate and not just a raging lunatic. The stress in my life was overwhelming before and now it is just absolutely unbearable. Summer is not supposed to be like this!!!
I like this apartment but they jacked up the prices WAY too much! At first they wanted me to go from $845/month to $970/month. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?! Seriously, what makes them believe they are ever going to get that amount? That's just insane, especially considering that they were only going to charge $940 for a brand new renter to start a lease.
We waited a few months and looked around until they came down to $930 and I convinced them to let me sign for that new signers amount. I had called to renew and then they emailed me to confirm our conversation. That email got "lost" for a few weeks and they called me in a panic saying they were going to make me pay about $1080 a month if I didn't call back to tell them to renew the lease. Ridiculous. In that time, however, the price of my apartment dropped again by another $25-30.
I checked online to make sure and then I asked them in the email what the going rate was for at that time. They told me I would be able to renew @ $970 again. No, that's not happening. So I forwarded the email that confirmed my price without wanting to fight them anymore and realized right after I signed the lease that I should have called in (but I was camping and had no service in addition to it being a weekend after the office was already closed) and gotten them to give me the $905 it was being advertised for on their site.
Promptly after realizing that, I emailed them to ask why they didn't inform me of the actual price and gave me a grossly inflated price. That was about a week ago and they still have not replied.
Now I am just ridiculously angry and they are fixin' to get the gnarly end of a strongly worded phone call. Well, I say that but I can never be angry on the phone because I don't like to frustrate other people or hurt their feelings. But it is not okay to be taking advantage of people just because you assume they don't know any better than the information you give them!
I am so tired of people taking advantage of me. Praise the L-rd that He is teaching me how to stand up for myself while still being nice and considerate and not just a raging lunatic. The stress in my life was overwhelming before and now it is just absolutely unbearable. Summer is not supposed to be like this!!!
Friday, July 4, 2014
Healing at Random
Months after Country Boy's death and my subsequent daily breakdowns for a couple of months, G-d has been showing me how far the grieving has come in the most random ways. Yes, I am still heart-broken that it happened and I am selfishly mad that he left, but I've come a long way.
Today while catching up on some of my favorite blogs, I came across this article by Shepherd of the Gurneys. He then added a link to Eat, Think, and Be Merry's article, "A Perspective on Suicide." Needless to say, it brought tears to my eyes and my heart is currently feeling a bit bruised, but I'm reminded that G-d has brought me so very far. He also has the mercy to give me a heart that still cares and can still be broken, though. Even though it sucks right now, I'm glad that I can feel sad and be able to mourn the death of a young man I had just barely met.
I encourage you to read the article linked above. One quote says, "Suicide was not a choice he made, but rather a choice he happened onto when his pain was greater than his ability to cope." How fitting for CB. Unfortunately, I am still under the impression that I may have been a slight adage to the pain, but I don't think it was my fault.
I'm gonna go grab some tissues...
Today while catching up on some of my favorite blogs, I came across this article by Shepherd of the Gurneys. He then added a link to Eat, Think, and Be Merry's article, "A Perspective on Suicide." Needless to say, it brought tears to my eyes and my heart is currently feeling a bit bruised, but I'm reminded that G-d has brought me so very far. He also has the mercy to give me a heart that still cares and can still be broken, though. Even though it sucks right now, I'm glad that I can feel sad and be able to mourn the death of a young man I had just barely met.
I encourage you to read the article linked above. One quote says, "Suicide was not a choice he made, but rather a choice he happened onto when his pain was greater than his ability to cope." How fitting for CB. Unfortunately, I am still under the impression that I may have been a slight adage to the pain, but I don't think it was my fault.
I'm gonna go grab some tissues...
Joys of Night Shift
As I've recently mentioned, I am now working in the hospital! Actually, I'm in a float pool between a few hospitals and I work primarily as a patient sitter.
I like this new job. Actually, I was scared about it because when I first got my CNA job in the long term are facility, life SUCKED! Oh man, they hazed me and I had to get used to patients with sun-downers and dementia and all sorts of other nuances that come with elderly care. This new job, however, allows me to typically focus on just one patient. Occasionally, I have multiple patients, but still it is never really more than 4-5.
Last night I was in charge of two patients. Both were conked out pretty hard because they had busy days and a few nights of hardly any sleep preceeding that. Yay! That means loads of time to read. Seriously, have I mentioned how much I love this job? On top of all that I get a differential for being float pool, a differential for working over night, and holiday pay of time and a half. Dude, is this for real?!
Anywho, last night was fine. I had to sit in the hall between both patient's rooms and there was another cluster of three patients requiring another sitter directly next to mine. Super! I got to have company all night long. We were talking most of the night when we started to hear some odd noises in one of the patient rooms. Neither of us were assigned to that particular room, but it just happened to be in our territory. We ignored the sounds because it didn't sound like the pt was in pain or scared or needed anything. As time went on, however, we started hearing grunts. They got louder and some groans were mixed in. Sheets were heard rustling and the patient got louder and louder. My CNA buddy and I peeked in and the patient was (in her words) "jerking off"!!! Oh my goodness! He knew we were outside the door because he called to us periodically throughout our shift for water or help going to the bathroom or what-have-you.
I wish I could un-hear that whole thing. My innocence is being stolen from me and I can't do anything to prevent it. I can't get it back and I seriously think I'm scarred from this whole experience.
Yikes. Well, at least I have not yet encountered patients any more physically intimate than just making out (they were dementia patients). Good news, though, I had some serious comic relief last night after I got over the initial shock and laughed so ridiculously hard for about 10 minutes I was crying. Plus, I now have all sorts of fun stories and memories to make me laugh for a lifetime and I've only been a CNA for a year and a half. Just wait until I've been a nurse for my whole life!
I like this new job. Actually, I was scared about it because when I first got my CNA job in the long term are facility, life SUCKED! Oh man, they hazed me and I had to get used to patients with sun-downers and dementia and all sorts of other nuances that come with elderly care. This new job, however, allows me to typically focus on just one patient. Occasionally, I have multiple patients, but still it is never really more than 4-5.
Last night I was in charge of two patients. Both were conked out pretty hard because they had busy days and a few nights of hardly any sleep preceeding that. Yay! That means loads of time to read. Seriously, have I mentioned how much I love this job? On top of all that I get a differential for being float pool, a differential for working over night, and holiday pay of time and a half. Dude, is this for real?!
Anywho, last night was fine. I had to sit in the hall between both patient's rooms and there was another cluster of three patients requiring another sitter directly next to mine. Super! I got to have company all night long. We were talking most of the night when we started to hear some odd noises in one of the patient rooms. Neither of us were assigned to that particular room, but it just happened to be in our territory. We ignored the sounds because it didn't sound like the pt was in pain or scared or needed anything. As time went on, however, we started hearing grunts. They got louder and some groans were mixed in. Sheets were heard rustling and the patient got louder and louder. My CNA buddy and I peeked in and the patient was (in her words) "jerking off"!!! Oh my goodness! He knew we were outside the door because he called to us periodically throughout our shift for water or help going to the bathroom or what-have-you.
I wish I could un-hear that whole thing. My innocence is being stolen from me and I can't do anything to prevent it. I can't get it back and I seriously think I'm scarred from this whole experience.
Yikes. Well, at least I have not yet encountered patients any more physically intimate than just making out (they were dementia patients). Good news, though, I had some serious comic relief last night after I got over the initial shock and laughed so ridiculously hard for about 10 minutes I was crying. Plus, I now have all sorts of fun stories and memories to make me laugh for a lifetime and I've only been a CNA for a year and a half. Just wait until I've been a nurse for my whole life!
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Busy, Busy Summer
Guys, I forgot to blog a few weeks ago about my good day and now I can't recall what was so great about it. We'll just talk about other stuff then!
My new job has got me all sorts of excited. I was nervous that I would be overly tired after working nights but after a red bull at about 0200 and another when I start nodding off (only on occasion, I usually don't need the second one) then I am good to stay up for what feels like weeks. Just kidding. But I stay up the whole day, go to work, then stay up the whole next day until it's time for a decent bed hour or slightly before that. I then wake up at my normal 6 a.m. and I'm ready to go again! When I work back-to-back, I will definately have to sleep during the day. However, this up for 36+ hours thing is working for me so far. I think I can even make it work with school.
Also, I love that job. Being able to focus on one patient all night and get to know them and how to make them comfortable is a great feeling. That's also what I love about working NICU. You learn the babies and their likes/dislikes. Then you can make sure to devote your attention to your 3 babies and go from there. It's not like working med/surg where you are running from pt to pt passing meds (if RN), and making sure 6-8 patients have what they need when they need it.
I think I'm going to quit my long term care facility. I love the residents but it's getting hard to even be a CNA now that I've gotten a taste of NICU. Let's be real, if you were able to taste your favorite pie, but had to wait and work really hard just so it could be ready in TWO YEARS, would you be able to handle that well? Ya, I'm struggling with my NICU pie... Until G-d puts me where He wants me, I'll bloom where I'm planted and learn as much as I can along the way.
On that note, I totally embarrassed myself today. I was the float which means that I am a CNA who goes between all four of the courts at my LTC facility and make sure I am helping the floor CNA's with anything I can. So, I did vitals. I took a bunch and they were really low so I made a mental note to go tell the LPN. When I got to her med cart, she had just left for break. Awesome. Now I have to wait. No big deal, I'll just keep going and tell her later. Several hours later my charge nurse comes up to me asking if I took the vitals. I said I did. She asked what I took them with and I told her it was with an automatic wrist cuff. Right then it dawned on me that I forgot to tell the LPN!!! Ugh! She is/was my favorite charge nurse but now I'm too embarrassed to hardly make eye contact with her. I know I get way too embarrassed way too easily, but I thought I was doing okay today. Silly things I forget that just make me feel dumber than dirt. Really, my memory is an issue. I'm going to have to get on top of this because forgetting something might cause someone their life. Today it made someone get late blood pressure meds and they almost didn't get it because my measurement was way too low. Like they were 150/70's but my cuff said 80/40's. I'm giving general numbers, but they were in this ballpark.
So sorry that I haven't been posting lately, life has just been busy, but a boring busy. It's kind of nice for summer. Talk to y'all later and I hope you're having fun wherever you happen to be in the world.
My new job has got me all sorts of excited. I was nervous that I would be overly tired after working nights but after a red bull at about 0200 and another when I start nodding off (only on occasion, I usually don't need the second one) then I am good to stay up for what feels like weeks. Just kidding. But I stay up the whole day, go to work, then stay up the whole next day until it's time for a decent bed hour or slightly before that. I then wake up at my normal 6 a.m. and I'm ready to go again! When I work back-to-back, I will definately have to sleep during the day. However, this up for 36+ hours thing is working for me so far. I think I can even make it work with school.
Also, I love that job. Being able to focus on one patient all night and get to know them and how to make them comfortable is a great feeling. That's also what I love about working NICU. You learn the babies and their likes/dislikes. Then you can make sure to devote your attention to your 3 babies and go from there. It's not like working med/surg where you are running from pt to pt passing meds (if RN), and making sure 6-8 patients have what they need when they need it.
I think I'm going to quit my long term care facility. I love the residents but it's getting hard to even be a CNA now that I've gotten a taste of NICU. Let's be real, if you were able to taste your favorite pie, but had to wait and work really hard just so it could be ready in TWO YEARS, would you be able to handle that well? Ya, I'm struggling with my NICU pie... Until G-d puts me where He wants me, I'll bloom where I'm planted and learn as much as I can along the way.
On that note, I totally embarrassed myself today. I was the float which means that I am a CNA who goes between all four of the courts at my LTC facility and make sure I am helping the floor CNA's with anything I can. So, I did vitals. I took a bunch and they were really low so I made a mental note to go tell the LPN. When I got to her med cart, she had just left for break. Awesome. Now I have to wait. No big deal, I'll just keep going and tell her later. Several hours later my charge nurse comes up to me asking if I took the vitals. I said I did. She asked what I took them with and I told her it was with an automatic wrist cuff. Right then it dawned on me that I forgot to tell the LPN!!! Ugh! She is/was my favorite charge nurse but now I'm too embarrassed to hardly make eye contact with her. I know I get way too embarrassed way too easily, but I thought I was doing okay today. Silly things I forget that just make me feel dumber than dirt. Really, my memory is an issue. I'm going to have to get on top of this because forgetting something might cause someone their life. Today it made someone get late blood pressure meds and they almost didn't get it because my measurement was way too low. Like they were 150/70's but my cuff said 80/40's. I'm giving general numbers, but they were in this ballpark.
So sorry that I haven't been posting lately, life has just been busy, but a boring busy. It's kind of nice for summer. Talk to y'all later and I hope you're having fun wherever you happen to be in the world.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Crazy, Insane Weekend
Folks, there are awkward families... and then there is mine.
Besides all that, my brother dropped a few bombs on me about his own life that have re-stimulated my persistent nausea r/t stress and complete disbelief that this is now what his life has become. Plus, I have been getting super dizzy spells, so that's a bonus. I think it may be orthostatic hypotension caused by possible dehydration and electrolyte imbalances, but it's a wonder I can keep anything down at all with my stomach always in knots anymore.
My cousin is having a baby with his girlfriend. He just graduated high school... His older sister is fixin' to get married come July and just announced that she has been expecting for about 3 months and is due in January. They have another older sister who is just chillin'.
My summer went from me being on top of the world for about a week and a half to being down deeper than the deepest pits in the World. G-d has it all in His hand, I believe that. Goodness, though, it seemed to have all hit me at the exact same time though.
Tomorrow I want to tell you about my good day though! So, stay tuned for that. I promise, G-d blesses me incredibly, sometimes it's just more pronounced once you understand the struggles and obstacles that cross my path. I want you guys to see all of my life, even these really ugly parts because they all make me who I am and they are all tools G-d uses to shape me. Also, I got a new roommate and I'm so beyond stoked about her. She needs a whole blog about her, that's how amazing and excited I am about this rooming situation! Plus, it is totally a work of G-d. You'll see once I tell y'all the story of how it came to be.
Daily Thanksgiving: My day was exponentially better than I anticipated and I got to work with my favorite CNA! G-d is not through with me even though I have been a wayward child.
- My great-grandpa does not know my name, but he yelled at me for not knowing his though he makes no effort to be in my life when I was about 12.
- My Grandma yelled at my brother and I when we were about 3-4 for asking for a penny to get a gumball from her decorative gumball dispenser while simultaneously giving pennies to our cousins.
- My uncle did not know my name yesterday and I'm 20. He has seen me multiple times over the course of my life. In fact, my parents used to rent an apartment from him for the first 9 years of my life and he would come for visits.
- My mom's sister is cool and her youngest is buddies with my brother and I. Her oldest and her husband hardly say 2 words to my mom, my brother, or myself.
- My Grandpa did not recognize my mom because he has not seen her in nearly 8 years. Though I do not blame him for this because my Grandma is abusive and so my mom chooses to not see her mom (Grandma) which means she cannot see her dad (Grandpa).
- Grandpa has been saving the birthday and Christmas money from the past decade of our lives because he sends money to all the other grandkids. As he was walking over to give it to my brother and I, my Grandma takes it from him and acts as though it was her idea. Lady, I saw him pull it out of his pocket and I saw you snatch it from his hands!!!
Besides all that, my brother dropped a few bombs on me about his own life that have re-stimulated my persistent nausea r/t stress and complete disbelief that this is now what his life has become. Plus, I have been getting super dizzy spells, so that's a bonus. I think it may be orthostatic hypotension caused by possible dehydration and electrolyte imbalances, but it's a wonder I can keep anything down at all with my stomach always in knots anymore.
My cousin is having a baby with his girlfriend. He just graduated high school... His older sister is fixin' to get married come July and just announced that she has been expecting for about 3 months and is due in January. They have another older sister who is just chillin'.
My summer went from me being on top of the world for about a week and a half to being down deeper than the deepest pits in the World. G-d has it all in His hand, I believe that. Goodness, though, it seemed to have all hit me at the exact same time though.
Tomorrow I want to tell you about my good day though! So, stay tuned for that. I promise, G-d blesses me incredibly, sometimes it's just more pronounced once you understand the struggles and obstacles that cross my path. I want you guys to see all of my life, even these really ugly parts because they all make me who I am and they are all tools G-d uses to shape me. Also, I got a new roommate and I'm so beyond stoked about her. She needs a whole blog about her, that's how amazing and excited I am about this rooming situation! Plus, it is totally a work of G-d. You'll see once I tell y'all the story of how it came to be.
Daily Thanksgiving: My day was exponentially better than I anticipated and I got to work with my favorite CNA! G-d is not through with me even though I have been a wayward child.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Dirty Meanings
Guys, did you know that most people assume tongue piercings were received with a dirty reasoning behind them? Apparently they are used for unsavory acts that I cannot even imagine.
Well, nobody told me before I got mine! I know, I had talked myself out of my piercings, but right after my last final, my friends and I all went to the tattoo shop to get holes in our faces. Actually, one friend got nothing because she is about as pierced as you can get. Our other friend got 4 cartilage piercings between her two ears and I got a nose and tongue piercing.
After having dozens of people ask me why I did it, I got to thinking. With all of the pain of having a friend die, my brother move out, and me losing Best Friend (through my own fault), I wanted to have real pain that goes beyond what just my heart feels. That plan backfired. Neither one of my piercings hurt. I could feel the needle going through, but they did not hurt. Super. Maybe I should have gone with the cartilage? Maybe my pain tolerance is just too high. I just plumb don't know.
When I went and showed my parents, they already knew I was going to get piercings. They both exclaimed that I "actually got my nose done" and they laughed when I showed them my tongue. A few hours later my mom decided to explain the tongue ring... I was completely mortified! She and my brother had a great laugh on the phone about it a week or two after my conversation with her. Then I told my friends that I had not known the dirty connotation associated with it. Oh my goodness, they laughed so hard at me!
Why do people assume I know things that most people know? I am about as innocent as a 5 year-old. I laugh hysterically at burp, fart, and poop stories while I stare blank faced when someone tells a dirty joke. However, if you ask me about labor and delivery stuff, or some other type of medical thing, that's when I can finally contribute to the conversation and that is my passion. After 2 years and multiple attempts at explaining this to friends, plus the 20+ years with my family, you would think that they would know!
These people are stealing my innocence. Not cool bro.
Oh man, I went to the mall with my brother and a couple of his friends the other day. They went into this store that has an entire section of "dirty" toys. They were laughing and giggling at pictures of naked women and penis toys while all I could think of was anatomy. They started telling stories and all I could think about was why their story was medically unrealistic. Hookah was brought up and I went on a 5 minutes rant about how it's not actually as safe as they believe it is. I'm broken, I can't even have normal conversations anymore. I now know why nurses ban together and they/we can always find each other regardless of how big a crowd is. I was not expecting this for a few years after graduation from nursing school, but hey, it's here and I think I can live with it.
Well, nobody told me before I got mine! I know, I had talked myself out of my piercings, but right after my last final, my friends and I all went to the tattoo shop to get holes in our faces. Actually, one friend got nothing because she is about as pierced as you can get. Our other friend got 4 cartilage piercings between her two ears and I got a nose and tongue piercing.
After having dozens of people ask me why I did it, I got to thinking. With all of the pain of having a friend die, my brother move out, and me losing Best Friend (through my own fault), I wanted to have real pain that goes beyond what just my heart feels. That plan backfired. Neither one of my piercings hurt. I could feel the needle going through, but they did not hurt. Super. Maybe I should have gone with the cartilage? Maybe my pain tolerance is just too high. I just plumb don't know.
When I went and showed my parents, they already knew I was going to get piercings. They both exclaimed that I "actually got my nose done" and they laughed when I showed them my tongue. A few hours later my mom decided to explain the tongue ring... I was completely mortified! She and my brother had a great laugh on the phone about it a week or two after my conversation with her. Then I told my friends that I had not known the dirty connotation associated with it. Oh my goodness, they laughed so hard at me!
Why do people assume I know things that most people know? I am about as innocent as a 5 year-old. I laugh hysterically at burp, fart, and poop stories while I stare blank faced when someone tells a dirty joke. However, if you ask me about labor and delivery stuff, or some other type of medical thing, that's when I can finally contribute to the conversation and that is my passion. After 2 years and multiple attempts at explaining this to friends, plus the 20+ years with my family, you would think that they would know!
These people are stealing my innocence. Not cool bro.
Oh man, I went to the mall with my brother and a couple of his friends the other day. They went into this store that has an entire section of "dirty" toys. They were laughing and giggling at pictures of naked women and penis toys while all I could think of was anatomy. They started telling stories and all I could think about was why their story was medically unrealistic. Hookah was brought up and I went on a 5 minutes rant about how it's not actually as safe as they believe it is. I'm broken, I can't even have normal conversations anymore. I now know why nurses ban together and they/we can always find each other regardless of how big a crowd is. I was not expecting this for a few years after graduation from nursing school, but hey, it's here and I think I can live with it.
Monday, June 2, 2014
Completely Blown Away
I have not posted for the past couple of weeks because I have been out of town! Oh my goodness, it was absolutely amazing. I went South to go visit Mema for a whole entire week. Also, I drove down there by myself! 6-7 hour drive and I actually made it there alive and without going through any unnecessary states. So, that's good.
While down there I also got the opportunity to shadow in both the NICU and L&D. What a fantastic opportunity, I am so blessed! For 2 days I woke up at 0515 in order to make it to the hospital in time to follow a nurse in NICU and then went on over to Labor and Delivery to follow a nurse (more like all the nurses) to anything that was at all fascinating. Before this experience, I was on the fence between the two specialties and not even knowing if I would actually enjoy either of them. Having shadowed, I think I would really enjoy working in the NICU. Yes, it will be rough. Babies die. However, I think it is something I could do with all my heart and still maintain my compassion and love for the job.
I got to see so much just in the NICU. An OG tube taken out and replaced with an NG tube in a itty bitty baby. Tube feedings and nipple training for other itty bitty's. A bath, which was just the cutest thing ever! An assessment and the preparation of breast milk into bottles or syringes for feedings. I also saw a father hold his baby for the first time after the baby had been born about a week ago. I nearly started crying. The love, amazement, and concern written across the faces of a baby's parents while he laid in a bed hooked up to pumps, tubes, IV's, and just about anything else possible for someone to be attached to. I don't think I could ever get sick of watching that.
Then I went over to L&D. Oh man, I feel bad for going over there. The poor nurses that I was following were having calm, easy days until I would start following one of them. First delivery out of the box went just fine until the mom started hemorrhaging. Seeing everyone know what to do and where to be was incredible. Seriously, they had to massage the mother's uterus and increase the Pitocin and the nurse upped the Pit before the doctor even requested it and they had to take turns massaging because they had to do that for a really long time. Oh the poor mom, I'm sure she had a huge bruise the next day and it was tender just when they were "massaging". Besides that I saw 2 C-Sections, 2 other deliveries, 2 episiotomies, a couple uteruses and the ovaries plus real-life abdominal muscles (during C-Sections). I watched a couple of lactation consultations and the a bunch of parents meeting their babies for the first time.
Absolutely amazing. So, between that and getting tons of R&R with Mema, that is what I did this past week. How is your summer going?
While down there I also got the opportunity to shadow in both the NICU and L&D. What a fantastic opportunity, I am so blessed! For 2 days I woke up at 0515 in order to make it to the hospital in time to follow a nurse in NICU and then went on over to Labor and Delivery to follow a nurse (more like all the nurses) to anything that was at all fascinating. Before this experience, I was on the fence between the two specialties and not even knowing if I would actually enjoy either of them. Having shadowed, I think I would really enjoy working in the NICU. Yes, it will be rough. Babies die. However, I think it is something I could do with all my heart and still maintain my compassion and love for the job.
I got to see so much just in the NICU. An OG tube taken out and replaced with an NG tube in a itty bitty baby. Tube feedings and nipple training for other itty bitty's. A bath, which was just the cutest thing ever! An assessment and the preparation of breast milk into bottles or syringes for feedings. I also saw a father hold his baby for the first time after the baby had been born about a week ago. I nearly started crying. The love, amazement, and concern written across the faces of a baby's parents while he laid in a bed hooked up to pumps, tubes, IV's, and just about anything else possible for someone to be attached to. I don't think I could ever get sick of watching that.
Then I went over to L&D. Oh man, I feel bad for going over there. The poor nurses that I was following were having calm, easy days until I would start following one of them. First delivery out of the box went just fine until the mom started hemorrhaging. Seeing everyone know what to do and where to be was incredible. Seriously, they had to massage the mother's uterus and increase the Pitocin and the nurse upped the Pit before the doctor even requested it and they had to take turns massaging because they had to do that for a really long time. Oh the poor mom, I'm sure she had a huge bruise the next day and it was tender just when they were "massaging". Besides that I saw 2 C-Sections, 2 other deliveries, 2 episiotomies, a couple uteruses and the ovaries plus real-life abdominal muscles (during C-Sections). I watched a couple of lactation consultations and the a bunch of parents meeting their babies for the first time.
Absolutely amazing. So, between that and getting tons of R&R with Mema, that is what I did this past week. How is your summer going?
Thursday, May 15, 2014
IT on pause
Today was my last day working my IT job for the summer and possibly forever. It is so surreal that I have finished my second year of college (well, one more final tomorrow) and I am finished with one school-year of working as an IT person. Not quite sure if it is good or bad yet, we shall see.
In light of it being my last day, I would like to tell y'all a funny story. Well, it's kinda funny... for me...
One of my friends that works IT with me asked me to a party this Friday. He was telling me how great it would be and it's all in his apartment complex. I said "no" just flat out. There was a smile on my face but I told him no. He and his friend continued on about how fun it would be and yada, yada, yada. Then he asked if I was single. He has a girlfriend so he wasn't asking for himself. Turns out he has a friend who is Messianic who was going to be at the party and my friend was absolutely convinced I needed to go so that I could possibly meet this fellow. I told them no because I am ridiculously awkward and I was planning on getting my tongue pierced so I would be unable to speak. Then they tried for 10 minutes trying to convince me that I am not awkward because I wear cowboy boots to school and they don't know anybody in cowboy boots that are awkward... Yikes, these boys just haven't spent enough time with me. That and they are both really charismatic which means they could have a conversation with a rock and the rock would talk back and none of the conversation would be awkward.
My mom laughed at that story for like 5 minutes...
Happy Finals Week everyone. Finish strong! I believe in you.
In light of it being my last day, I would like to tell y'all a funny story. Well, it's kinda funny... for me...
One of my friends that works IT with me asked me to a party this Friday. He was telling me how great it would be and it's all in his apartment complex. I said "no" just flat out. There was a smile on my face but I told him no. He and his friend continued on about how fun it would be and yada, yada, yada. Then he asked if I was single. He has a girlfriend so he wasn't asking for himself. Turns out he has a friend who is Messianic who was going to be at the party and my friend was absolutely convinced I needed to go so that I could possibly meet this fellow. I told them no because I am ridiculously awkward and I was planning on getting my tongue pierced so I would be unable to speak. Then they tried for 10 minutes trying to convince me that I am not awkward because I wear cowboy boots to school and they don't know anybody in cowboy boots that are awkward... Yikes, these boys just haven't spent enough time with me. That and they are both really charismatic which means they could have a conversation with a rock and the rock would talk back and none of the conversation would be awkward.
My mom laughed at that story for like 5 minutes...
Happy Finals Week everyone. Finish strong! I believe in you.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Piercings
About a month ago I started thinking about what it would be like to have a nose ring. It's in the Bible that ladies back in the Old Testament had nose rings sometimes. So, I looked into it a bit more and Jewish law has nothing against piercings. Then a couple of weeks ago I brought it up with my friends that I was thinking about it. Now we are planning to go on Friday after our last final...
I am also currently considering a belly button ring and possibly even a tongue ring. However, the more I think about it, the more reasons I find to not do it. I wasn't even super serious when I brought it up, it was more for laughs and giggles. Now it's real. I looked into a few places that do piercings here in town, but they have good and bad reviews.
I really scared about getting an STD. How terrible would it be to be a virgin my entire life but then get an STD from a stinkin' piercing because somebody didn't use proper sterile procedures and then I wouldn't want to get married or have kids because I would probably pass on the disease! Or what if they do it wrong and it is crooked? What if it gets infected and then I scar really bad? What if right after I get it then I regret it but then I will have a scar on my face, my tongue, or my belly button for the rest of my life? I'm just a simple, church-going girl that nobody expects to get piercings and they would probably look really weird on me anyway.
I talk myself into the piercing every morning and talk myself right back out of them every afternoon.
Tongue rings cause teeth and gum damage. Plus, I would have to put a spacer in for work and clinicals. Belly button rings get ripped out and are easily infected due to their location. Nose rings are ON YOUR FACE and would also require a spacer while at work and clinicals.
Is it weird that my main concern is not the fact that someone would be poking a whole in my body with a giant needle? My main worry is it being off-centered, not where I want it, and getting an STD or infection.
Nursing school has ruined me. Now I know what true sterile procedure looks like and what happens when it is not followed. I can see the bacteria I grew and stained from my microbiology class. I can see all of the slides of pictures and all of the information given to me about STD's. Then I look at myself and think, "is this really you?" But I have wanted lots of piercings since I was a little kid, but now it's really real and I am not so certain anymore. What would the kids that I babysit think? What will my Mema think? What would my future boyfriend/husband think? What would my kids think?
I wonder why I want piercings. Is it just because I found a rebelious, angry side that I was not aware of before Country Boy died and Brother moved out? Do I think it will liberate me from... something that I'm not fully aware of?
Wow, my neurotic anxiety is kicking into high-gear, huh?
More thought is needed and more prayer. I prayed about it, but maybe G-d is staying quiet to see what I will do again. Last time He did this I wasn't supposed to do what I was praying about (going out with Best Friend). Maybe I should swallow my pride and back out of getting piercings with my friends. If I do, it won't cause any more grief because I won't change from how I already am. But if I do go, then I will have at least 2-3 more holes in my body, plenty of pain and swelling, and I will have puncture wound scars if I decide to ever take them out. Looks like I talked myself out of them... Thanks for helping me guys!
I am also currently considering a belly button ring and possibly even a tongue ring. However, the more I think about it, the more reasons I find to not do it. I wasn't even super serious when I brought it up, it was more for laughs and giggles. Now it's real. I looked into a few places that do piercings here in town, but they have good and bad reviews.I talk myself into the piercing every morning and talk myself right back out of them every afternoon.
Tongue rings cause teeth and gum damage. Plus, I would have to put a spacer in for work and clinicals. Belly button rings get ripped out and are easily infected due to their location. Nose rings are ON YOUR FACE and would also require a spacer while at work and clinicals.
Nursing school has ruined me. Now I know what true sterile procedure looks like and what happens when it is not followed. I can see the bacteria I grew and stained from my microbiology class. I can see all of the slides of pictures and all of the information given to me about STD's. Then I look at myself and think, "is this really you?" But I have wanted lots of piercings since I was a little kid, but now it's really real and I am not so certain anymore. What would the kids that I babysit think? What will my Mema think? What would my future boyfriend/husband think? What would my kids think?
I wonder why I want piercings. Is it just because I found a rebelious, angry side that I was not aware of before Country Boy died and Brother moved out? Do I think it will liberate me from... something that I'm not fully aware of?
Wow, my neurotic anxiety is kicking into high-gear, huh?
More thought is needed and more prayer. I prayed about it, but maybe G-d is staying quiet to see what I will do again. Last time He did this I wasn't supposed to do what I was praying about (going out with Best Friend). Maybe I should swallow my pride and back out of getting piercings with my friends. If I do, it won't cause any more grief because I won't change from how I already am. But if I do go, then I will have at least 2-3 more holes in my body, plenty of pain and swelling, and I will have puncture wound scars if I decide to ever take them out. Looks like I talked myself out of them... Thanks for helping me guys!
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