Just a Little Story

There was once a girl who was a little lonely and hoping for a boy to come along that she could marry, but she was independent and mostly happy alone.

One day, she decided to go to a dance out in the country with her roommate, roommate's family, and some of her own family as well.

She hadn't danced with anyone all night until a boy came up and asked her. He asked for her number and they eventually began dating.

Her family liked him and his family liked her. This was her first boyfriend but he had had several past relationships. She was worried about his vast level of experience, but stayed with him because he seemed sweet. Two months into the relationship, something wasn't right.

 They were hanging out one weekend and he took it too far. She repeatedly told him no and to stop, but he did not.

She broke up with him.

She was so ashamed but G-d told her that what she experienced was not her fault, she did what was legally required and he should have stopped.

She went to the ER for a sane exam a few days later. The nurses were very sweet and she found support and reassurance.

They told her it was not her fault. She learned she is not pregnant and she was fully examined to ensure no physical trauma was present.

Though she must now deal with this brokeness for the rest of her life and she will now have to explain it to her future husband, she has faith the L-rd redeems and brings beauty from the ashes. She's not okay, but she will be okay again one day.

Living with Regret

At one point or another, we all do something we regret. It could be taking a candy bar from the store, saying something that ends up hurting someone else, or going back on a personal promise made to G-d. I think I've done them all, but the last one is really getting to me. I kissed a boy before my wedding day.

Now, this isn't really a big deal. It was just a kiss and it's not like I dropped my pants and gave the guy my everything. Even then, it wouldn't be the end of the world. So why am I losing sleep over this small act? Why is it that I can have a lovely weekend with the boy, kissing him every once in awhile, and think nothing of it while I'm with him. Yet, as soon as I get in the car, my heart sinks to the floor and I am left with this nagging pain in my gut. I am faced with a whisper saying that I gave my first kiss away because I wasn't strong enough to maintain my boundaries. This is the voice of the enemy, but I cannot silence him because I have strayed from the L-rd. I have wandered outside of His flock in search of a love that only He can give and now I've given a piece of myself that I was saving for my husband.

No doubt the L-rd forgives. L-rd willing, my future husband will forgive me as well. Still, I cannot help but wish I could go back in the past and change that moment. Go back and not have given it away. But alas, G-d allows us to learn from our mistakes and move forward into the next set of mistakes. We are blessed to have a teaching G-d who also forgives when we mess up. Now I just wonder how to fix this. I don't know if I can.

My fear is of breaking hearts. I am terrified that life will become awkward and difficult in my small town situation with my life so intertwined with his. This is why I don't date, I can't handle hurting anyone else so I stay even if I hurt in the process.

I have to confess that I almost started cutting the other night. This is not healthy. I didn't do it, but the urge was stronger than I've felt since before my extremely rough season in 8th grade. My nausea and dizziness have resurfaced and my happiness (not joy, just superficial happiness) has disappeared. In it's wake, I am left hurting and scared. This happiness was just a momentary false front from the excitement that a boy was showing interest in me. I should not be depending on this in order to feel wanted, but I fell for it again. (P.S. I talked to Boyfriend and Beauty about the cutting ideations. I'm not going down that road again.)

21st Birthday Win!

Clinicals went amazingly (Thursday). My nurse was absolutely fantastic, I had the CNA that took advantage of me a couple weeks ago and she did most of the ADL's and CNA type activities for my patients freeing me up for nursing stuff like discharges and dressing changes. Yay! My boss is on my floor, so I have a slight overlap of school and work happening right now, but she bought me a cookie and came to hang out with me for a little bit during my rotation time. Between her and my clinical instructor, I'm certain most of the staff at the hospital knew it was my birthday and my whole day was so easy.

My clinical instructor only knew because Beauty announced it to both of our clinicals groups because our two groups are kind of one large group with two instructors. So my instructor was asking what my plans were and I told her. Next day she was so shocked I didn't look like I had been drinking! I only had four shots though.

So birthday dinner was fun. I got Boyfriend, Big Red, Beauty, Roommate, Brother and his Roommate (which Boyfriend didn't care for and got really jealous about until he saw how we interact with each other so I settled his mind with going over to Brother's house which was a big deal for us because I don't handle jealousy well). Anywho, Big Red made the staff sing to me... Not cool! But it was kinda funny. Then Roommate suggested we go to a bar where Brother and his roommate could get into (because they are both underage still) and I'm really glad they got to come. Brother got to watch my first legal shot and he also got to see me dance with Boyfriend and how happy I was.

Friday night we finally got to go out! There was a deal at the bar where you could buy a Solo Cup for $10 and drink from 9-midnight as much as you wanted so I had a few drinks that way and then my friends bought me a few shots. I had maybe 4 mix drinks and 3 shots, didn't get white girl wasted, I remember everything that happened that night, and I didn't wake up with a hang over! Yay!!! I win turning 21!

Turns out I dance a lot when I've been drinking. I did the wobble... twice... which I swore I would never do because it's just a lot of shaking your butt. I danced with Boyfriend, his two buddies, and a bunch of my girlfriends, just because I could! I also felt really special because about 15-20 people show up, just for me! How sweet is that? So I had a complete blast.

Saturday I got to bring the wine for my family's Passover Seder and Sunday I brought Boyfriend up to go to my old congregation's (still mom's) huge seder so he could learn about it. I finally got to have wine and he even said he understood a lot more now that he's gone through it. He even said it wasn't bad, which is big because he doesn't like having loads of people around or meeting tons of people. He was subjected to both because it turns out I have tons of people that loved me at shul (congregation)!

They all put Boyfriend through the ringer too. I don't know why but I love people telling him that he better treat me well or they're gonna have a problem. It's mean, but I also feel really comfortable because every social group I have has so many people watching out for me and willing to protect me at a moment's notice.

Guys, I even went to Boyfriend's family's Easter celebration. Turns out they kinda like me too... The kids booked it to my car when I arrived and they wanted to play all day. Oh man, I miss kids.


So, Happy Passover y'all! Chag Semeach!

It's that time of year again

Do y'all know what I'm talking about? Tomorrows my birthday. In fact, it's my 21st birthday. Which, in the United States, means I will be legal to drink!

21 seems silly. When my parents were growing up, they could go to the bar at 18. They were in high school! Plus, it's not like alcohol isn't available before then...

Anywho, I have clinicals tomorrow (Thursday) and Friday so my friends and I are making work arounds and making my birthDAY more of a birthWEEK/birthMONTH because Passover also starts on Friday. That means I am going to have a frickin' crazy weekend. Let me just paint you a picture, shall I?

Wednesday: Stay up and go out at midnight? We'll see because I still have to go write careplans and get a little sleep before clinicals and I worked last night.

Thursday: Clinicals, more careplans, go help Boyfriend feed cows (yay!), and then birthday dinner with darn near everyone of my friends, my boyfriend, and possibly my brother/his friends. Good heavens!

Friday: Clinicals, shower/nap?, then go out to a local country bar with everyone I can talk into coming with us.

Saturday: Sleep in... a little, go to Parent's house with Brother for family Seder for Passover and come back home. That's a solid hour/hour and a half both ways. Oh but I love Passover and this year, I get to bring the wine!!!

Sunday: Easter brunch with Boyfriend and his huge family. A couple hours rest, then he and I are going back up to Parent's city to go to mom's congregation's seder with hundreds of people so that Boyfriend can see my culture.

That's a 4-5 day set of crazy and no rest before school starts again crazy on Monday. Oh, and I got a billion assignments assigned yesterday. So, I'm back on my meds...

Breathe BedpanAlley, just breathe.

Have I mentioned I hate birthdays? Oh, it's a passion of mine. This birthday will make it easier to go out with friends but I just don't like getting older and not feeling like I've accomplished anything in the last year of my life besides minor survival, and not good survival at that. It's more of a barely made it through to this anniversary of the evacuation of my mother's uterus instead of thriving like I should be in my 20's, especially the first year of my 20's.

I'm working on being positive. Well, some days I am. Today is not one of those days.

Meanwhile, I survived March and Country Boy's suicide anniversary and the following day with minimal tears. April 11 would have been his 21st birthday. I'm not looking forward to that day. It's on a Saturday and I'm almost certain I may be drinking alone that night or trying to go out to get my mind off of it. We'll see.

I better get going to write my careplans so I can get this "weekend" started! Goodbye for now dear readers.