Turns out I am getting diagnosed with a new type of mental disorder every few weeks. PTSD (complex), of course, generalized anxiety disorder, and more recently an attachment disorder.
I spoke with best friend yesterday about how our friendship... flirting with relationship (plus kissing)... has caused me to regress a bit. He's upset, as is to be expected. Now he's thinking he did something wrong, even though I keep assuring him he did nothing wrong. But he's been pissy all this time. He still keeps talking to me, instead of just taking a break, but he's obviously angry and hurt and sad. I don't blame him. I told him not to go down that road and to leave me be and let me try to figure things out because I know I'm broken. Him, in his gentle hearted way, decided to not listen to me and to try to fix me by being as nice as he possibly could. He got me flowers, made sure to respect my boundaries, and did everything RIGHT. And still, I am so broken that he still ends up hurt. I'm just not a good person to try to date.
Meanwhile, I really like my counselor. She and I see eye-to-eye on many things and I trust her ability to lead me through some healing. I hope the rest of my time in counseling with her goes well. Boy do I need help!
Work is okay. The NICU is still giving me grief, but mostly they are a place I can go and snuggle babies because they only give me the feeder/growers. Labor and Delivery is still so wonderful and exciting. I don't know how I will ever get to the point of feeling like I know what I'm doing, but I'm hoping it will come. Judgement and care task abilities came with the NICU, it just took a lot of practice and questions. We shall see how everything goes...
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