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Monday, April 25, 2016

Making Happy Anniversaries

Today marks the first year anniversary of me getting my SANE exam.

It may not seem like much, but today marks the one year anniversary of me starting to fight for me.

Today is a good anniversary.

So, as I sit at home celebrating alone, I remember how far I've come and how far I have yet to grow. I can see good in most days instead of living in my dark pit of despair. I look forward to little bits in my future, thought I'm not sure how life is going to turn out. I pray that my life gets better and more joyful. I guess we'll see.

Until then, raise a glass and celebrate with me! I'm strong and growing and have survived some pretty shitty stuff. I made it a year longer on this Earth.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Life Goes On

I survived both/all three? first year anniversaries from my assaults. I write both, because it was over two days. I put three, because there were three assaults.

Anywho, I survived them. Yesterday was hard, but I made myself eat (dinner...), I used my essential oils, I had a glass of wine, Roomie and I made a list of 10 reasons why I am better off without exboyfriend, I bought myself flowers, and I skipped the class I could (peds) and did the things I absolutely had to do (world religions). Then, after all that, I woke up this morning. I may have struggled yesterday, and today, but now my two days of anniversaries are done and life will go on for awhile longer... unfortunately.

Today in counseling, we discussed how I probably don't need to be going in very much anymore. I'm cutting down to once a week next week. I know that counseling is only supposed to be temporary, to get you able to survive in life alone again, but I'm sad that this season is coming to a close. Counselor asked what else I felt like I needed to work on and I couldn't think of anything. I mentioned self-esteem, but we determined I am way better in that department than I was ever before in my life... I brought up rational thought and confidence, and we determined I was growing well in those areas as well... I'm becoming more assertive, setting boundaries, and I'm learning how to cope with my traumatic past. She told me she thinks I'm graduated from PTSD to post-traumatic growth. Look it up, I guess it's a real thing.

I saw it mentioned on some documentary that I woke up to, because I sleep with my television on. The psychiatrist on the documentary was saying that post-traumatic growth is being able to be better than baseline after your healing begins after a trauma.

So, imagine your life at baseline. You have a traumatic event and it plummets you past the deepest valley you could ever imagine for yourself. You are suspected to be in post-traumatic growth when you slowly work back up to your baseline (before your trauma) but then somehow surpass that level.

I was reading somewhere online that mentioned that post-traumatic growth can be suspected (that sounds negative, but it's actually a really good thing) when: you find joy in the smaller things in life, stressful things don't phase you as much, you can reflect on your traumatic experiences and they don't completely floor you, you are happy again or happier than you were before (because you understand the value of life), and there were others but I cannot find the article nor can I fully remember. But, whatever the points were, I met them all!

Yes, each day is still full of triggers and many days are a huge struggle, but I get through them and don't stay in bed all day! I am beginning to look forward for my future again, and I am beginning to forgive myself and understand that I could have done nothing to make the situation better. It wasn't my fault. This understanding is still very much a struggle most days, but I'm believing it more days than not.

I have a hope. I have a future. I have a life to live and people to prove wrong. I have guys to give the biggest middle finger to of living a life they told me I could never live.

Counselor and I discussed how I feel guilty but also relieved to say that I hate these guys. I hate what they did to me. I hate that they ruined my life. I hate that they have no traumatic aftermath and I have no permanent healing ever, for the rest of my life!

These fuckers destroyed my life, fucked up my brain, invaded my body in the most brutal of ways, and my life will never be the same. I'll never be innocent again. I will never get back what they stole. There is a good chance I will never get justice.

So, living my life the way they told me I never could is my best payback. L-rd, give me a loving, kind, gracious, wonderful husband that shows me the way ladies and people are supposed to be loved! L-rd, provide me with the sweetest, most beautiful, kind, smart, wonderful, blessed children! L-rd, bless me in my nursing career and pave the way for me wherever I may go! Open doors that I never dreamed were possible, even when I was completely "pure" and not polluted by the pure evil these assholes forced upon me. L-rd, show Satan that he does not win by blessing my life and allowing me to live ridiculously joyfully and happy for the rest of my life! L-rd, redeem me and give me justice! Most of all, L-rd, do not turn your back on me. Do not leave me or forget me. Remember the things I've had to survive and give me years of peach, joy, happiness, excitement (only good excitement), love, contentment, and absolute bliss.

Baruch HaShem! Bless you L-rd for all you've done for me so far and heal my heart, my body, and my mind oh L-rd.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Painful Memories

Tomorrow marks the anniversary of ex-boyfriend's first assault on me. A year ago, I was excited on this night. It was a Friday, I believe and I was probably at his new house watching a movie with him. Actually, he went to bed early so we were probably back in his bed, falling asleep or already sleeping by now.

He didn't try to touch me this night. I was still blissfully ignorant of the danger lurking within him.

The most he probably did was try to grab my butt or my boobs while he made out with me. I was uncomfortable sleeping in his bed, but he wouldn't let me sleep out on the couch. I was also dumb enough to believe that sleeping over would be okay. I was naive enough to believe that I was safe with him.



I've been wrestling with terrible thoughts in my head. For as long as I can remember, I was told to love those who hurt you and hate nobody but Satan.

I've been struggling to wrap my head around the evil that was done to my body and the fact that these guys think that they did nothing wrong.

I have been struggling to keep my mind from saying that "I hate them."

I hate what they've done to me. I hate that they have no fucking clue that my life is ruined. I hate that if the news ever got out that they did these things to me, nobody will believe me and they will blame me for making up stories. I hate that the law is on their side in this backwards legal system. I hate that they will likely have no punishment because what could potentially happen in the best case scenario for me or worst case scenario for them? NOTHING! Absolutely, fucking nothing.

Justice is bullshit. The legal system is not working for victims, it helps nobody but those who have broken the law. So, what's the point in reporting? There is none.


I'm so fucking over this shit. I can't sleep. My mind is being bombarded with the evil acts these assholes have done to me. The only comfort I have is absolutely nothing. There is no comfort. There is no justice. There is nothing I, or anyone, can do to right these wrongs.

L-rd, give me peace and comfort in the coming months as all of my anniversaries come to bombard me and swallow me whole. Quiet my heart and give me restful sleep. Allow me to somehow forget these evil guys. Somehow, in the coming judgement, bring me justice, oh L-rd. Give me something to tell me that the suffering I have unfortunately survived this last year is not in vain. Oh L-rd, redeem me and punish those who have wronged me and invaded my body. Ad-nai, forgive my past trangressions and remember what has happened. L-rd, remember those who love you and deliver me from the evil bestowed upon me.

Why was this given to me? What did I do that warranted that type of punishment? Or, what kind of sick test was that?!? WHY???



Ironically, tomorrow's pediatric lecture is on childhood abuse and will most likely mention sexual assault because that seems to be a popular topic in that stupid class. As such, I am not going. I refuse to go. The peds instructor makes sick jokes about rape, suicide, abuse, and other "hot button" topics that immediately make me cry. How will I handle such topics from now on? I will just refuse to go to class! Fuck you, lady. L-rd willing, you've never lived through these terrible things. As someone who survived multiple suicide attempts, is living through grieving a friend's suicide, having been abused by boyfriends, and raped by two separate guys on numerous occasions, YOU HAVE NO PLACE TO TALK!!!

No decent person makes jokes about abuse, rape, or suicide. Don't fuck with those topics. If you have to talk about them, and I think it's important to discuss them, then you treat them with the respect and seriousness they deserve. Get people who are experts and who are tender to the issues to come and teach the lecture, if that is required.

Don't fucking mess with me and don't tell me you know when you don't lady (peds professor and Jersey.)

Some of you, out there in the blog-o-sphere, unfortunately understand the pain of living through traumatic events. Though we have not lived the same life, I am sorry for your suffering. We can't fully comprehend each others pain and journey, but I know what it is like to live my trauma and I am sorry for anyone who has to live through their own. For anything you've been through, I am, from the bottom of my heart, sorry.

For those of you who haven't, I am so very glad that you haven't. I do not wish this on anyone. Having said that, please do not tell those of us who are survivors of trauma that you know what we are going through. If you say anything, tell us that you are sorry and then slap that pity look right off your face. We don't need pity. We are still a person, just like anyone else. Unfortunately, we were dealt a hand in life where we were forced to be a bit stronger than the average person. That does not mean we need pity. Giving us that fucking pity look and babying us after we tell you only makes the situation worse. Don't distance yourself from us or treat us differently besides avoiding the triggers we ask you to avoid. Besides that, treat us normally, but silently give us more patience as we heal.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Apologies

So, I ended up apologizing to Jersey. I just sent her an email.

Now, I apologized with making no excuses.

I told her I was sorry about the timing and I apologized for my tone. I told her I feel like the conversation was important to have, but that I was overly-assertive in my tone.

I don't feel like it will be received well, but I'm working on my end to reverse some of the damage. This will not, by any means, allow the friendship to be fixed. I'm over that and I won't do it. However, I want her to know that I am not simply doing things to piss her off or cause her harm.

This might open up a whole new can of worms, but I'm trying to ignore my pride and admit when I fuck up.

Yep, it's a hard one and I'm going to reap some consequences, but I hope that she understands that I was not trying to hurt her, I just needed to be heard if she feels that she needs to be heard.

I'm not even hoping to be able to sleep well tonight.

Somebody, take me out of my misery.

Regrets and Learning

If y'all recall, I "broke up" with Jersey.

For the past couple of days I have been struggling with the decision because of her haunting words of, "karma is a bitch."

Today, class was a bit uncomfortable, but not as bad as it has been while waiting for her to come and attack me.

Tonight I went out with Millie and we got on the subject. Millie is in a clinical group with Jersey and I guess Jersey went to a simulation lab after our "break up" and was crying the whole time. She was venting to another classmate when Millie walked by them in the hall. She ended up staying and heard all that Jersey had to say. Jersey said she felt attacked, and then started listing off my many faults and why she felt I was being unreasonable.

This is understandable.

I agree that the timing was wrong. Thinking back on the situation, I should have probably scheduled it for a different time, but I don't know when else I could have done it and I can't fix that now.

Talking with Millie gave me no comfort. I still feel terrible. I feel like I somehow embodied everything that hurt me in Jersey's personality, my old Roommate, and the girls I lived with freshman year. I somehow turned into the mean girl that I have despised and worked so hard to get away from all these years.

I hate myself for that.

I keep second guessing myself and my decision. I feel like I am absolutely crazy and that I made a huge mistake. Regardless of how I try to rationalize it, I simply cannot fix the situation in my head and I feel really bad.

This brings me to a huge conundrum... In the future, do I ignore when friends are dumping on me, and turn the other cheek? In these relationships, the friendship usually ends up phasing out gradually as I go to less and less gatherings with them and do not talk with them as much. OR Do I continue to stand up for myself and leave a path of destruction, hurt feelings, and people in tears? This option allows me to have my thoughts and feelings heard, but I feel bad and I become more stressed than if I just let it ride and take the yelling.

I don't know whether to apologize or accept that she needed to hear what I had to say. People complain about these things behind her back a lot, but nobody every tells her these things. Granted, I do not like being assertive and I do not think that it works on me. It doesn't fit.



I had too many good days in a row. Today was decidedly a nice day, up until about 5 p.m. tonight when my brain decided to remind me that it was Country Boy's birthday. I shared a shot with him and then went out to drinks with Millie. Beauty ended up coming, too, but not until way later.

Thing is, I'm having a lot of troubles with Beauty lately. She continues to ignore my texts, though I don't text about complaints. When I text her, it's to invite her out or let her know that some assignment is due or to simply say something nice. She responds to maybe 1 out of every 5-10 that I send her. Meanwhile, she tells me that Lexi complains to her all the time about me. This means that they are probably hanging out quite a bit. That's good, they need to be able to hang out with friends. I'm just getting frustrated with the fact that I am being ignored, but I'm the first one to be called when there is something wrong and they are having troubles with their car, school, or life.



What would happen if I were to die? Would anyone miss me?

I'm not someone that anyone tries to go out of their way to hang out with, by I am on speed dial for literally any issue that arises.

It's okay to ignore me, but you better believe I am expected to respond to every text within a couple minutes of receiving it.

I'm just another body in a seat until someone has a question about what happened in class.

I'm just some girl that is expected to take a whole load of shit when someone is having a bad day. Heaven forbid I need to vent to anyone but my mom! I have to just take the dumping, with a smile on my face, then go about fixing all of the person's problems even if the problems weren't actually my fault to begin with.

If I were to die one night and didn't show up for class for a couple of days, would anyone notice? Would Beauty regret the texts she ignored? Would Jersey regret unloading all of her life frustrations on a friend who she knew was fresh out of a break-up and had been recently traumatized? What would Millie do? How would my friends from the Farm Store that I worked at as a first job respond? Would any of the girls that I went to elementary school even think twice if my name were in an obituary? Would my seat simply be an open seat in the back, or would it then be looked upon with any flicker of sadness?

Would anyone even notice?

How would I be remembered?

Would it be for the awkwardness I show everyday? For my clumsiness? My traumatic couple of years? How I have pissed people of left and right through college? For the struggles I talked about with my couple of people who sat next to me? For being the "quiet" girl in clinical?

Would I be remembered at all?

Saturday, April 9, 2016

All Sorts of Relationsips

Should I give the good or bad news first? I guess they're both sort of good, but one you have to put a spin on to find it to be a silver lining.

Okay, negative one first.

I "broke up" with Jersey today. She's been a massive thorn in my side for months now and she does not calm down her aggressiveness. After several hours of writing out what I want to say, several nights of venting to Roomie, and a handful of counseling sessions wasted, it finally happened. She kept bugging me for a meeting to "talk things out". Well, okay, I will "talk things out" but I refuse to be friends with Jersey anymore.

We set a time for an appointment to talk on the phone. I told her that I get 10 minutes to talk where she doesn't get to interrupt me. I got done with my spiel in about 5-7 minutes, told her she could go for it for 10 minutes and then that was it. She hung up, saying she needed to go to lab. She was crying and asked for specific examples for some of the reasons I gave for why I was not going to be her friend anymore. I refused because I was not going to get into the typical argument she likes to start up.

We took Roomie's dog for an hour long hike and I came back to a text from Jersey asking for the letter. What letter? The letter I wrote to send to her... What the hell? I wrote notes, but there was no letter. So, she asked for that and she wanted me to mail it. She told me it was so that she could "better reflect on the points that I made so that she could become a better person." That is the biggest load of shit I've ever heard. I again refused to do as she asked and that's when all of her bullshit came out. I was waiting for it!!! I did not give the letter to her in the first place because I know how she tries to pick the little details out and then attempt to excuse it away. She also has a tendency to show things like that to all of her friends in order to gain sympathy. Well, she'll just have to go fishing for sympathy without my notes. I saved them though, in my counseling binder. I want to remember how strong I was.

It was a hard thing to do. I am not one to burn bridges or try to hurt others. However, I'm not going to cower and let her walk all over me anymore. I tried to blow it off but she wasn't going to let it go. Okay, fine. You don't want to let it go and you want to ignore my feelings and how your actions effect anyone else? I won't ignore the way my actions effect you, but I will absolutely cut you out of my life.

She ended up texting me something to the effect of, "my last words for you is that karma is a bitch." Actually, that's exactly what the text said. Oh honey, don't even. This phone call was Justice being served because you see no wrong in any of your actions. I don't believe in karma, but do not mess with me and expect anything to improve for you.

You do not fuck with me.

I will no longer be walked on.

So, the good news from that whole story is that Jersey knows we are no longer friends. There is no hope and I am not going to talk to her anymore. I spoke my peace and I'm done with her. I blocked her on Facebook, snapchat, and from texting/calling me. I cannot block her from class, but she knows that it's done. If she asks to talk to me I'm going to tell her no and that I have other things I have to go to. I said what I needed to say and she had a chance to do the same. That was it, and I told her that was her last chance.



In happy news, I had a date!!! Dating is scary, but especially after meeting nothing but bad guys, even through friends and family recommendations. This guy has been talking with me for weeks. I finally agreed to meet him in a public place and it went well. I'm not so good at small talk, and I brought down the conversation a few times, but we had a lot of laughs and some random, exciting adventures.

We started by going to Bass Pro. We walked across the parking lot to dinner and to grab a beer because I told him I wouldn't ride in a vehicle with him. During dinner, he asked why I won't let him drive me, I told him that exfiance essentially kidnapped me at one point. Which did actually happen. After that, he understood that my pain goes deeper than typical girls simply being upset with their exes. He didn't pry anymore into that aspect of my life and the night went on. After dinner, he asked what I wanted to do. After a few minutes of discussion, I decided I wanted to see puppies. So, we drove separately to the mall and saw some puppies!

We spent a couple hours in the mall, just visiting random stores. At one point we ended up going prom dress shopping and I almost convinced him to try one on! I took him to every girly store in the mall, just to see how much of a fit he would throw and he didn't throw a single one!!! He smelled candles with me at the candle place, he looked at puppies with me, looked at dresses, and we even went shoe shopping. I told him I had never been but he was all game. Granted, I lasted a solid 30 seconds in the shoe place before I got bored, so we left pretty quick. Regardless, he handled the entire date, and my weird conversations and odd activity requests really well.

At the end of the date, he walked me to my car and asked for a second date. I think he was trying for a kiss, but I didn't let him get too close. We agreed to keep talking and I told him another date would be fun, but he didn't get a kiss that night. He probably won't for awhile, if we decide that it's a relationship worth pursuing. That'll be a rough discussion because I'm headed away and I carry a lot of baggage still.

So, I have a relationship potentially starting while another was cut clean off. Odd thing is, I feel free after the friend "break-up" just like I feel more free after break-ups with the toxic guys I've kicked to the curb.

Y'all, I'm growing!

Monday, April 4, 2016

Another Up

I had the best day in I don't know how long today.

I got a gift card to Chick-fil-a, my favorite eating establishment, as of right now.

Took a test in peds, and I think it went well. They're all group tests because the professor was failing to many students. I got with two really smart friends and they agreed to be my buddies for our final as well!

I got out of class several hours early, so Roomie and I (we carpool) went to Chick-fil-a for lunch.

As we were waiting in line there, I got a call from an unknown number. It was my Great Aunt offering me a NICU job at her hospital!!! So, I'm moving in a couple months, once we figure out what day I start. Guys, G-d gave me a job!!! Plus, I get to move.

In my religions class on Monday afternoons, we had a Jewish rabbi from one of the loval military bases come and talk to us. He just happens to know my mom and my Rabbi so I was already excited. He was such an amazing speaker and I feel like he was the mouthpiece to G-d giving me grace and contentment with myself. For so long I've dealt with guilt around what has happened to me and I feel terrible for not loving the guys that hurt me the way I've been taught to "love everyone". He explained the Jewish perspective that you don't have to love each individual. You treat them with respect and don't intentionally harm them for no reason, but G-d is a Just G-d and He wants fairness as a baseline for life. It does not make me mean, or resentful, or someone who is trying to pay them back by reporting them. It is okay to report them. Then to forgive them for my own sake, not for theirs.

After being stoked about all of that, I went grocery shopping and there were a few cute guys there :) I'm not going for anything, but I had a little make-up on today and I feel like I was more confident than I've been in the past.

I made dinner for Roomie and I tonight and I made my first lasagna (first by myself, without my mom) tonight so we'll have dinner ready to go for tomorrow!!!

Yeah, I'm winning at adulting today.

Jersey did text me and invited me to go out with her and a couple of her friends. She wants to meet with me to "patch things up" because we were "close friends". I might be crazy, but we weren't close. She didn't share her life with me, she just wanted to ask for all of the juicy details of my life. I told her we could talk and kept my replies short. She asked if it was okay that we fix things so that we can have a great rest of our senior year. I told her we could talk, but I have no plans on patching it up. My life has been so much more drama-free without having to worry about her. I go talk to Counselor tomorrow and I think I'm going to ask to role-play.




Oh, and about my birthday...

It went really well. Poor Roomie walked into my room the night before my birthday and I was crying. She started freaking out. The next morning, I was up at 0800 with her! I was shocked myself, but she made the day great. We went shopping (caught a lot of really good sales), saw puppies, had lunch, went for a hike with her dog, then we went out dancing with just a couple of my closer friends. Amazing day! Low-key, not many people knew it was my birthday. Some of the friends I have been close with all three years didn't come, but I didn't even care because I had a select few that were able to come out and have a good time with me.

My brother's roommate called me, because they were hanging out at Brother's apartment, and I asked them to do a shot for Country Boy. To my surprise, Brother got all 5 guys to do a shot! No, probably not the best to be condoning alcohol, but it meant a lot to me that Brother is being so sweet and supportive about something he doesn't understand. However, he's sat with me as I cried at the grave, I think he's starting to see the pain I've hidden from him for so long. He knew what had happened, but I try to not harp on it too much because he didn't used to be so receptive. I think he's starting to put together the pieces and he's getting much better at supporting me. I'm also getting better at being better to him and more of what he needs from a sister.

When we finally got home, the dog had to pee. I offered to take her out since Roomie had been my DD and it was about 0200. I finished the little loop and there were a couple guys my age headed up the stairs to their apartment. One asked to pet the dog and asked what breed. I shrugged, because I couldn't place the name of the breed with my brain a little slower than normal... He laughed and we got to talking for a couple minutes. Roomie came out to check on me and it turns out they had been at the same little karaoke place we had been at! They shook our hands and introduced themselves and invited us out sometime! Now, we all know that'll probably not happen. However, it's nice to feel noticed and to feel like guys think I'm cute.


I'm trying to stay positive in this post, because I really want to highlight the joys that come in life, even if few and far-between. The reason it is so shocking to me to feel cute and confident, is because I did not ever have that to begin with. Then, when I started dating exboyfriend, it didn't take much for him to make me feel better than I ever had, so I stayed with him even after I wanted to leave because I didn't think anyone else would notice me. With exfiance, he started with flattery and tried to make me feel good at first, then as time went on he started implanting that I was not pretty, not smart, nothing that would be desired by anyone but him. With that negative message from someone I thought I loved, how is it possible to not end up believing you're worthless and undesirable?

My confidence is slowly building. I am strong, I am caring, I am worth loving. I will be a nurse someday, who will extend the love and compassion others need because I know what it is to need extreme amounts of both. I am growing, developing, moving on, and I will continue to be a soft heart in this hell of a life because others do not deserve the terrible things that have happened to me. I am beautiful, smart, funny, sweet, caring, loyal, and deserving of a life in which happiness and joy are experienced. I am worthy regardless of what has been done to me and what I have survived. I have a story that is worthy of being told and I do not have to be a doormat any longer.

This is one of my stronger days and self-affirmations begin now.

I am worthy. I am strong. I have survived and I am on my way to thriving.

Friday, April 1, 2016

Another Damn Birthday

My birthday is tomorrow. I'll turn 22.

In the past, I have avoided people knowing my birthday because I didn't want anyone making a big deal about it. From that stemmed my own little personal game of my friends not knowing what day my birthday is and avoiding working the day before/day of/and day after my birthday. These have just been traditions I have kept for years.

Last year, I was very open about my birthday because I turned 21 and wanted people to come out and celebrate with me! In the U.S., for those of you outside, 21 is the legal drinking age. As you can imagine, this warrants a bit of celebrating.

Well, fast forward to this year and my birthday is now a day of mourning. I think about last year and how excited I was. I had lots of friends coming out to celebrate with me, I had a boyfriend who was still treating me well, I was getting through school and I had just survived Country Boy's first anniversary. His first anniversary went much better than this year's, though. I had a drink for him that night, but mostly I was just young and excited. I thought my life was turning more exciting and could only get better.

I was so terribly wrong.

Come back to the present with me, and let's mull over why my birthday is now a day of mourning...
  • My body has been assaulted in the most intimate ways, by two separate asshole guys, more times than I can count.
  • Country Boy is still gone and his death anniversary is right before my birthday so I am still recovering from that grief again.
  • My friends are all busy so I could stay in bed, but the couple of friends that are not busy and that know my birthday is tomorrow are not letting me stay in my bed.
  • I'll never be the girl I was a year ago. For that, I mourn the most.

I miss her. People say I can get her back, but those people have also never been through what I've been through. She was kind, excited about life, and always willing to help. Her, I can get back. She had also never experienced more trauma than a friend's suicide. She had memories, but not intense flashbacks. She was mourning, but it was reasonable and normal, especially for the trauma associated with surviving a friend's suicide.

Go back to the year I turned 19, and I miss her even more. No suicide. Best Friend liked me and we hung out all the time. I was in the dorms and was around friends as much as I wanted to be, all I had to do was walk down the hall. I thought it was a great victory going the entire day with nobody knowing it was my birthday, especially living in such a short proximity to my friends. Then, at about 10 p.m., while hanging out with Best Friend talking, I spilled the beans. He gave me a hug and got a little bit upset that I hadn't told him sooner. I was so excited for everything! I was about to get into nursing school, I was looking at apartments and making life plans. I was confident and excited that a guy liked me and spent so much time with me. I had just gotten away from the most toxic roommates I have ever met and I was living by myself. School was going well and the world was still a bright and shiny place ready for my stamp on it and the adventures that were sure to come my way.

Come back to the present and I don't want to see the future. I'm convinced nothing good can make me be able to heal fully from my past. I don't want to meet a guy and start dating because then I have to tell him I'm not pure and I'm not what he wants. He'd have to deal with my PTSD, my whole shitty season of every year from March until the end of July, and if we ever had kids I've got so many risk factors for being a terrible mom that it's not even worth attempting to survive pregnancy and a birth because that poor kid would have no fighting chance at a good life.

Of course, it is impossible to explain this to friends They don't understand and I pray they never understand this pain. I pray they have all the happiness in the world. Mine was stolen, but may they know nothing but happiness. May they keep the sparkle in their eyes and their love of life. I hope this for all of you as well.

For those of you that have been through trauma, I am so sorry. I am sorry for all of your losses. While losses include the deaths and the loss of people, remember that it also means the loss of your sense of identity, body integrity, and anything else that you have lost that hits you hard. Yes, it is okay to mourn the loss of who you once were if that was taken, hurt, and otherwise damaged. I am sorry for your loss, as I am sorry for mine. Though I don't know exactly how you feel, because we all perceive and feel things differently and circumstances are always a little bit different, know that I understand it is painful beyond words.

So, tomorrow is my birthday. It is a solemn occasion and a day of mourning. I survived Country Boy's 2nd anniversary and everything that could have gone wrong going wrong with that. Here's to hoping I survive tomorrow, if I must.