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Monday, November 25, 2013

Thanksgiving is Coming! And so is Channukah!!!

First of all, I have heard that there is no official spelling of Hanukkah so people go nuts with it. Therefore, I thought this was appropriate. It also made me have a laughing spell on one of my bad days.
Along that line, I found this list
  • Chanuka
  • Chanukah
  • Chanukkah
  • Channukah
  • Hanukah
  • Hannukah
  • Hanukkah
  • Hanuka
  • Hanukka
  • Hanaka
  • Haneka
  • Hanika
  • Khanukkah
Will they ever have an official spelling and make life easier on us? Or will they allow those of us that cannot spell anyway continue to struggle with the self consciousness of no specific answer? Likely the latter because it's been probably centuries and still nothing.

I got off subject there but Hanuka/Chanuka/Hanicka/etc. begins Wednesday night and the first full day is on Thanksgiving! That makes me happy because last year is started during finals week and I didn't get to be with my family, I could not have fire/candles in the dorms, and I was stressed with a bunch of tests.

Also, on Friday, I took my open book Pharm test after being thoroughly frightened about my well-being in that class. Praise the L-rd, I estimate about an 88% plus/minus a few points because there are some questions that my professor still has to grade and there are some she was saying she was going to throw out. L-rd willing, he will give me a high enough grade on our last test so that I can pass the class and get on with my life!








On Friday, I went out with one of my gal friends to a new hunting store in our area. It was fun and I ran into my friend that I stayed with over the summer. Country boy grew up with her and that is why we stayed at his house during the fire. I confessed that he had been texting me and I gave her the background of how I thought he was playing me and another girl. She informed me that he was doing some unsavory things with girls lately. Since she has told me that, I have been racking my brain with various scenarios where I "go off" on him, but I have decided that 1) I'm not strong/brave enough to do that, 2) it would not be respectful, and 3) he would likely yell back at me (over text) while not learning anything or changing anything for the next girl(s). I have, however, decided to trust the Holy Spirit in His warnings to me to not go out with him, not even as friends. I will break this off and find some what to tell him no gently but while still letting him know why. This will be tough.


 I'm not really going to shoot him or hurt him in anyway, these just seemed fitting and they give me encouragement.


Well, I better go listen to my patho lecture. Right now I'm slacking and totally zoning out during patho. C'mon folks! (Not you, the college schedule deciders.) It's two days before Thanksgiving break, why do we even have class?!

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

There's No Winning In Nursing School

Between stress, lack of time, constant studying, and teachers who are fresh out of school themselves, there is essentially no winning in nursing school.

I've heard that the first semester is the hardest and I pray that this is true! I studied for a long time for patho and G-d blessed me with an 86%. That's pretty good, but it used to be enough studying to get an A. I studied for about 8 hours for my basic health exam, which our professor did not prepare us for at all because she is still a really new teacher and makes her tests right before we take them (so she has no way of knowing what to teach us), and I got a 73%.

Now, I'll admit, I did not study as hard as I needed to. That's on me. However, I am so tired from all of these teachers experimenting on us and not teaching anything that they test on. Seriously! This particular teacher does not like lectures so she keeps them under 20 minutes (well, she tries). The rest of class is spent doing group projects and having us "teach" our fellow classmates what is in the book. It is NOT working, at all!!! She doesn't put any of the useful information in the power points and she doesn't write the test until a few days before we have to take it. I'm trying to have grace and stick up for her with my fellow frustrated classmates, but I'm getting so overwhelmed and frustrated. Plus, she teaches two classes that I'm taking and we have a comprehensive exam in both. Her exams are notoriously known for taking the most abstract, random information from the books that no one knows because it's based on a total of 3 words, and she tests on that tiny little blurb. It's not even a blurb! It's 3 tiny words that barely make a phrase and that's what she tests on. Even with an open book test, there would be no way to pass these exams.

My friends warned me about this test, they said it was rough. They were right. They also said that, even with the book and notes, the pharm test is ridiculous. I'm so overwhelmed and nervous I can't even function properly. I don't know how I'm going to get through this nonsense just to make it to clinicals. Right now, I am very worried that I will not pass pharm or basic health. These are not supposed to be easy classes, but so many R.N.'s have laughed in my face and told me that these are some of the easiest classes because it's just wrote (is this the correct word?) memorization. Well, both of these classes have brand new teachers who haven't fully gotten their teaching legs yet and I'm not super great at memorization. Guys, what if I get a terrible grade, like anything below an 86%, and I don't get enough on the final so then I don't pass the course? Then what?

"Cast your anxieties on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

This is my motto...

"Don't fear, because I am with you; don't be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will surely help you; I will hold you with my righteous strong hand." Isaiah 41:10

I know I've heard this one a lot...

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

This is probably one of the most commonly used verses. I get it, don't worry...



Still, even with these verses, I have such a hard time living by them and giving my worry to G-d. How to I just give it up and not worry about stuff? How do you hand it over and let "tomorrow worry about tomorrow?"

Guys, I think I'm having a panic attack.

Can someone explain this to me? Will G-d get me into clinicals with my cohort or will I be held back a semester?

I'm not doing well today. It started off okay but quickly took a turn for the worse. I think I'm going to set up an appointment with the school counseling center tomorrow because this is getting to where I can't control it again.

That brings up a whole new issue. Does going to a psychiatrist/counselor mean that I'm taking my depression/anxiety into my own hands instead of releasing it fully to G-d? Or, is this preparing me and using the resources He has supplied me with? Ahhhh! my attack is getting worse just because now I'm confused. I think I better go try to sleep it off and face tomorrow when I get to tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Patho Exam Grade

I was hoping for an A...






Drumroll, please...







Seriously, I need a drumroll...








Fine, you don't have to do it. I got an 87% on my last patho test! That's pretty good considering the average was an 80% and the lowest was a 69%.

Now I have a 79.51% total in that class. So frustrating, but I hope to bring it up!

Naivety Kills

Guys, I don't know if I spelled "Naivety" right, or if it's even a word. However, I do know that I am naive and I have made some terrible decisions in the past 24 hours, I want to talk to someone about it but I don't know who to talk to and how to express what's going on in my head!!! Oh, this is the most frustrating thing!!!!!!!!!! I can't even use enough exclamation points to convey this overwhelming embarrassment and regret.

No, before you go there, I did not have a one-night-stand. I didn't let anyone take my virginity. I have not gotten a boyfriend who I now regret. None of that stuff.

I did, however, let some guy "flatter" me out of $20. I also agreed to hang out with country boy even though I know that I should probably not do that either.

Let's tackle these stories one at a time.

First Story: I foolishly gave away $20. Why? There were some guys claiming they were in a public speaking class and an assignment they had was to go around the neighborhood to meet their neighbors and help gain support for a book drive for children in the hospital for Christmas. Red flags were poppin' up out of nowhere, folks, and I just ignored them. 1) I don't "do" Christmas anymore. I am firmly opposed to buying gifts for Christmas and I refuse Christmas parties of any kind with my friends, why would I support it now for strangers? 2) They were full of "easy conversation" and I think they tried to flirt with me. They asked what I did and were quite pleased when I told them I was a nursing student. Then, they asked if I had a husband or boyfriend. I denied having either. At this point they re-introduced themselves and offered to make me dinner sometime. Awkward. Plus, they were all up in my space when talking to me and I like to have a solid 5-8 feet distance between me and anyone at any given time. 3) They didn't mention money until the very end. 4) They gave me a total of $126 to donate to the book drive which could be payable by cash or check. I told them I didn't have it so they pressured me to pay a lesser amount. Finally, I settled on $20 because he said another neighbor had given him $21 to get off his porch. The guy at my porch pulled that money out of his pocket! That is a pretty big sign that he was likely keeping it for himself instead of this so-called book drive. Did I realize that at the time? Nope. I sure didn't. This all happened because they knocked like my guy friends do that live in the same complex. Upon looking out the peep-hole, they even looked like them. Newsflash, it wasn't my friends. For all I know, they could have been scoping my apartment to come back and rob me later. I didn't let them in, but you never know.

I am such a fool. Why can I be decently smart when it comes to school but a total doorknob when it comes to people? Why can I not let people in that can care about me but I let strangers get too close to me? My heart just went from feeling better and possibly healed of depression to being very heavy with regret.

Second Story; I agreed to go hang out with country boy. It seemed like a bad idea at the time and the more I think about it the more anxious I get. Should I go and talk to him face-to-face? Would I have the courage to finally be frank with someone in person? Last night we were texting, I was carrying on the conversation, as usual, instead of letting it go flat because his dad died in February and it was his birthday yesterday. I figured I would see how he was doing and let him vent if he wanted to. Bad idea because I don't want to become his therapist. I will listen to people talk about almost anything they want to talk about. When that's all I'm good for, then I don't need to be in their life, I need to refer them to a therapist who gets paid big bucks to be able to help with that stuff. By the end of the 14 message, 5 hour long conversation (because he takes a long time to reply), he asked if we would ever be able to "chill." I said sure. Then he asked when and I told him it probably couldn't be for awhile because Thanksgiving is coming up and my schedule is very different from his. He agreed. I asked what he wanted to do and he said it was up to me. Up to me? You ask me when we can hang out and I have to come up with something to do?! One of my biggest pet peeves ever. With no regard to my common sense, I suggested going to a new hunting store opening up in the area sometime in the future. He agreed to go there with me because he had wanted to go there too. So, no set date to go "hang out" but we have a place. What are we going to do there? We have nothing to talk about. Seriously, nothing because my list of questions that normally hardly gets used is already fully used, analyzed, and re-analyzed. There is nothing left for me to be able to ask him about because we just aren't compatible and we have very different beliefs.


With both of these instances, I want you readers to learn from my foolishness. I think I am falling for these cheap compliments and opportunities to hang out with boys because I want a boyfriend and I am very lonely and severely depressed right now.

If you guys are going through this, or if you know someone who may be depressed, talk with them. You don't have to say you think they have depression. Just hang out with them and encourage them. If people don't seem depressed around you, then they are really good at hiding it and you need to encourage everyone around you because, chances are, there is someone who is struggling to breath and having difficulty getting out of bed because life seems like too much of a struggle.



MOST IMPORTANT thing I can tell you right now is that ignorance is not bliss and naivety is not a joyful state to be in. Both of these come from experience I want others to gain wisdom from my foolishness. DON'T ever fall for gimmicks that require you to pay someone that comes door to door. Girl scouts can get money for cookies at their stands when you get the goods right away and don't have to wait for delivery with the chance that your payment and order will get lost. DON'T give cash to guys walking around trying to sell books for hospital kids. DON'T even answer the door for people you don't know if they aren't from maintenance. Even then, they will have a key. If they don't have a key, then they don't need to be in your house. DON'T answer the door if you aren't expecting anyone. Decent friends call to invite themselves over instead of dropping by completely unannounced. If G-d is hinting that you shouldn't do something or if something just doesn't "feel right," vow before hand, like right now would be great, that you will say NO! I don't care how uncomfortable it makes you feel, I can guarantee that you will feel better later when you think back about the instance and you were saved from getting scammed or raped or taken advantage of in any other way. These things happen and I don't want anyone of you to go through them. When a guy or girl does not seem interested in who you really are, don't hang out with them. If you do, then bring friends that you trust and have them for protection and also to observe the person you are wary about. DON'T hang out with people you are unsure about privately. That is a recipe for disaster. If they aren't comfortable around other people then tough cookies for them because they likely had some unsavory ideas about what was going to happen. Plus, if they like you, they need to like your friends and family otherwise you may be a very unhappy camper if the relationship gets serious enough for marriage.





Daily Thanksgiving: I only lost $20. It could have been much worse. I am grateful for the burn because it will allow me to think critically next time before falling for cheap compliments and insincere interest in me. I am thankful that G-d brought country boy into my life to teach me to set boundaries with someone that I do not have to see on a weekly basis and I won't be losing a major friendship if he stops talking to me because we aren't close and we hardly know each other. G-d is making me stronger. He is stretching me. He is giving me wisdom. He is protecting me as much as possible while still allowing me to make minor mistakes that can be easily fixed or that aren't too bad that my life is altered forever. He is teaching me who to trust, what to trust them with, and when to trust. He is maintaining my purity and innocence while also taking away my naivety and ignorance. That is a delicate line, but you better believe G-d knows how to walk it and how to steer me. While I feel frustrated and betrayed by these guys that came to my door, my depression does not seem to be coming back full-force. G-d is teaching me how to give it to Him and how to calm my anxiety. I know that I cannot do that on my own, I've tried. So, He allowed me to struggle for a few months while trying to handle it myself. Then, He took it away. Now, He is giving me little "tests" or opportunities to choose whether to drown in depression or walk on water through faith in Him. He is also teaching me to not let anxiety paralyze me, but to notice it and begin to realize that I need to work to get away from it.

Praise the L-rd for his loving instruction!

Thank you for reading today's lengthy post, I am feeling relieved of the burden that was present in my heart at the beginning of this. Please take wisdom from my foolishness and share my story, and any you may have, with people around you so that we may all grow wiser and avoid the Adversary's traps.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Lost My Motivation...

Let's start off with some good news: My pharmacology teacher, after weeks of saying we would not be able to do it, sent out an email this morning saying that we could use our books on our upcoming test!!! My heart swelled and I am so relieved because I need at least a B, but I'm hoping for an A. Praise the L-rd! He answered my prayer to let us use our books.

Today I texted country boy first because I figured I would see if he would keep the conversation going. Not so much. He has asked me if we can hang out though...

I took my patho test and felt better than I've ever felt about one of these tests before. That also scares me, though, because sometimes that means that I made silly mistakes and didn't do as well as I had hoped. I'll let you guys know how I did when the scores are posted.



Well, I should be studying for my other two tests (of 3) I have this week. I had 5.5 hours today to study. I read Gathering Blue instead. (You should look into reading that book, btw. It is part of a 4 book "series." They don't really go fully together, but they are very interesting. They are written by Lois Lowry and the series starts with The Giver.) Now, I have a few more hours to study yet I'm watching t.v., texting country boy, and now writing this post. Folks, I lost my motivation.

I'm going to go look for it...

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Study Break

Hey guys! I haven't been on here for what seems like a really long time. I have been studying and trying to figure out life. School is going somewhat better, but not by much.

Friday I went in to meet with my pharmacology teacher. That didn't really help at all. I'm so frustrated in that class and I'm so scared I'm not going to pass! I really need for G-d to allow me to remember everything I need to know for the next two tests so that I can get A's on them, or at least B's to pass the class.

In happier news, I got 100% on my pop quiz in Patho and I got a 90% on my other scheduled quiz for that same class. Praise the L-rd! Normally I get D's or F's on both of these types of quizzes, but G-d gave me good grades on these two and it brought my grade up considerably. That was a weight off.

Also, on Friday, I went out to coffee with my mentor. She confessed that she has been struggling with depression and I was able to tell her about my history and current bout with it. Then, in church this weekend, the pastor talked about depression! G-d must have needed me to hear about it or something because He usually has echoing lessons when He really needs me to get it. Well, I think I got it. Also, I feel like I've gotten somewhat "healed" of my current state of depression. It's only been 2.5 days, but I'm lighter and able to think more clearly. We will see when the pressures of life start to increase again, but for now I'm feeling a little better.

Country boy hadn't texted me for about a week and a half and then texted me tonight. Why tonight? I have three tests coming up this week, 1 of which I have to get a B on in order to pass and the other ones I'm feeling better about but still have so much to study! I've decided to not text him back unless he keeps the conversation going because I don't have the time, patience, or energy for this nonsense. Curious about tonight's conversation?

Him: "Hey"

Me: "Hey how's life?"

Him: "Decent, watching the game"

Seriously? Seriously. That's it. That is all that was written and that is likely how it will stay. This is a new boundary for me because normally I will keep asking questions. I will dig for conversation and try to be as polite as possible to keep being able to let us have something to talk about. Not tonight! I am not going to be some person's "texting buddy" if they have nothing to say. I have tried to start the conversation with him many times and he is still disinterested so I'm not doing it any longer.  This is so silly for so many reasons. 1) We don't really know each other over texting or in "real" life. 2) We don't have much to talk about. 3) He always seems disinterested and does not contribute to the conversation or the continuation of said conversation. Therefore, I am done. I will give him the short answers he gives me and that will be the end of it. Maybe one day I will have the guts to ask him what we are doing and why. Today, however, it has taken a significant amount of guts and self determination to ignore the text because the conversation hit a dead end.

Tonight I also went out to study with my friends for our patho test tomorrow. After that, I'm even more scared about the patho exam. Normally I do okay just studying on my own and I think I need to go back to that for patho because they over think everything. They are preparing for a test that is way harder than our professor usually gives us and it confused the day lights out of my. So, for patho, I will continue to study alone.

Daily Thanksgiving: Sleep is coming soon. G-d gave me good grades in patho last week. I am learning to set my boundaries and I'm excited to finally practice having my say and standing up for myself. Also, I will be able to stand up for myself in a less threatening manner because I never see country boy, we only text each other. I am motivated to start studying for pharm and have started partially. I have also been studying for patho for about a week and a half as apposed to the normal day or two of cramming and it seems to be paying off. My depression may be subsiding. I received prayer and now have someone I can talk to about it because I didn't know who to talk to before. G-d answered my prayer to have someone to confess my depression to and someone who would understand me and be able to pray with me. That was huge.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Jacked Up Trucks and Baseball Hats

Have y'all noticed that some really cute boys drive some really handsome trucks? I mean the really cool, jack up pick-up trucks with massive tires and CB antennas. They are so cool! The cute boys driving these real cool trucks also have some unique, but super attrative outfit choices. I'm talkin' baseball cap (camo or not), Carhartt jackets, muddy boots, Wranglers/Levi's and they typically sport some nice strong arms with beautiful veins.

I have found myself seeing trucks, of any sort, and straining my neck to see who was driving. A lot of the time there are guys who are considerably older than me and likely married. However, sometimes there are some real cuties cruisin' in them lifted trucks. When did this ever start? I should not be risking eye contact with the driver or a possible automobile crash just to attempt to peak at who's behind the wheel!

It's sad guys. I just want to have some cute boy think I'm cute, who loves Yeshua (Jesus) and wants to let me go muddin' with him and his friends and maybe he'll let me drive his truck (in a safe place, like a parking lot). I know, however, that G-d will let me find who I need at the right time. Until then, I need to find a way to get these country boys off my mind...

Let me tell you, studying is not helping AT ALL!!!

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

"Don't you ever say that again."

I had another weird day. I was flustered, couldn't talk, and I was irritated but all for no reason. Then my brother got mad at me (because he's always mad at me now) and I suggested that he go live in the dorms next year. That didn't help the situation at all.

Amidst all of that craziness, I was trying to make myself some "dinner." Well, I made some toast, eggs, and sausage. Anyway, I go to put the egg in the pan to fry and this happens...
The shell made it into the pan while the yolk completely missed. How does that even happen?

I sent that picture to my mom with a caption of: "I'm so bad at life. :(" I meant it as a joke. She didn't take it as such.

Her reply: "I really don't want you to see (I think she meant hear) you say that again. You are given special life and I cherish u."

Then, I was choking back the tears, trying to clean this mess up and I feel kinda guilty now. I know that G-d gave me this life for a reason. He had to do so many miracles and He brought me here against many odds. However, I am screwing it all up! I wanted to be in nursing school soooooo bad, but now I'm nearly flunking two of my classes. At this point, there is a good chance I could get kicked out of nursing school. For real, I'm not just exaggerating here. I am so overwhelmed, so lonely, frustrated, burnt out, and crazed lately I don't know what I'm doing!

I keep wondering if G-d wants me here, but He wouldn't have let me get in if He didn't. Then I realize that I'm blowing this whole nursing school thing because I keep screwing around and not studying when I need to. That is why I'm getting bad grades. Still, I can't keep focused on what I need to do and then I get to panicking again.

I had a minor anxiety attack this afternoon because I'm over stressed. I think I am going to go get checked out for psych problems, but I don't even know what to say. Do I just call up and say, "Hey, I think I'm depressed. Can I get a psych consult?" That seems weird!

I did quite a bit of studying tonight, but it's not even close to being enough. This is just too much! I don't know what I'm doing! My teachers have given up on us and the semester went from bad to worse in a matter of weeks. This is the most hopeless I've felt in years. I'm drowning and have no lifeboat or flotation device anywhere. I can't handle this.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Bad Friend = Good Nursing Student?

One of my nursing school friends shared this little eCard thing on Facebook. It's not even true for me because I stop hanging out with my friends and I'm still not a good nursing student. How do these people do it? There are people with good grades in every class. I'm just praying that I don't fail!!!

Picture Book Post

 I added pictures so that you don't have to read all of my stuff if you don't want to. Also, I enjoy pictures so maybe they make this more fun for you guys...

Much love,
BedpanAlley



Do you guys remember how excited I was to get into nursing school?

That has not necessarily changes, but it's so much harder than I ever expected. I find myself wondering if I will ever get decent grades again. I find myself questioning if I will even pass the first semester!

It's a terrible cycle I've gotten into. I go to class, maybe work, then I come home to "study." Unfortunately, my brother does not seem to have as much homework, so he turns on the t.v. I inevidably get into the show he is watching because I do my homework in our living room. Next thing I know, it's 10:42 p.m. and I haven't done a thing all day!

I can't seem to focus even without the t.v. on though. Somehow I can start to work or study, but my mind begins to wander. Several hours into my fantasizing, I am again well past bedtime with little to show for my efforts of sitting down to study.

How do you all find ways to focus? Is this meaning that I'm just lazy? Are there ways for me to beat this procrastination/lack of concentration/studying struggle?

Oy, this is frustrating.

Also, my desire for a boyfriend has come back... It's like shingles! I had a mild case of it before (relating my minor desire for a boyfriend to chickenpox here). Now, with all of this stress and undesirable effects and ridiculousness with school and work, it has erupted into a severe, almost life-threatening, case of the shingles (or a stupidly severe case of wanting a boyfriend).

How do I stop this nonsense? Do I need to get some injection that stops estrogen production? Should I start taking testosterone? Is there a way to trick myself into not wanting this type of relationship?

I learned today in basic health assessment that young adults are in a development phase of intimacy vs. isolation. I don't even know what that means but I am quite isolated but I desperately want people, or at least someone, that I can talk to. I want someone to listen to me and be able to understand my weird thought processes. This craving for someone to be able to look at me, hear my random tangent thoughts, and totally understand my whole thought process would be incredible. It doesn't seem like I'm asking for the world, I just want a friend, possibly a boyfriend, who could see all of my crazy and truly not think I'm crazy. Someone to relate to, listen to, laugh with, go shopping with, go shooting/fishing/mudding with, would be a miracle.



However, if this is why I want a boyfriend, is that wrong? I still don't understand marriage, or dating, or flirting for that matter! How do I expect to be able to even handle a relationship. Plus, I have a really hard time talking about feelings because there is no clear cut way to do it, nor is there any rhyme or reason to it. In the past, every time I've talked about relationships with a potential suitor, I get so scared and I shut down because I don't want to hurt their feelings. I hate hurting feelings.

Also, how do I know that when we start actually going out I won't stop liking him? So far, when I've like guys and they admit to liking me, I stop liking them once they ask me out or admit their feelings for me. Is this because I knew more about who they really are once they start liking me back? Or am I just incapable of liking people who like me? I think I'm broken. Scratch that, I'm human. All humans are broken somehow. I just seem to be a little more 'off' than normal.

What's wrong with me? How do I enjoy being single? I don't know how to be single! That's ironic because I have NEVER, ever, ever, ever, had a boyfriend. EVER!!! Why do I not know how to be single and enjoy it?

HAHAHAHAHAH!!! For me, this is a big ol' lie. For some, perhaps its feasible... I guess. Me? not even a little bit.


Good news: my head feels slightly better from the other day because I found some words for my confusion. Bad news: since talking this out, I now have an exponentially increased amount of thoughts that are not expressible. If I never post again, it's because I spontaneously combusted from school stress and getting lost in my own thoughts that have no words. Therefore they are not even real thoughts, just stuff in my brain.


Folks, if you're reading this. Please help me!!! I'm losing my mind because all aspects of my life are falling apart.

Monday, November 11, 2013

HUGE Mistake

So, country summer boy has not texted me again since the other night. I feel like a booty call but we haven't ever actually done anything other than text and 1 coffee meeting.

That wasn't even the mistake.

I made the fool move to share the fact that I wanted a boyfriend for about a month (a couple months ago) with my nursing school friend. Also included in this silly confession was the fact that I didn't think guys were cute until sometime this summer. Since revealing this little shameful tidbit about myself, I have come to the realization that I am developmentally delayed in the social/emotional/people/life arena. These realizations keep happening to me as I spout out random information to my friends. THIS IS AN ISSUE!!!

I learned that I have major trust issues at dinner with my friend. I have discovered that I have delayed attraction understandings. Not to mention all of my other spontaneous revelations that have occurred throughout my life.

I've also learned that G-d protects me and my heart. He also allows me to get over my silly desires to have a boyfriend when I don't need a boyfriend right now. Then I ruin it, by thinking about it again, but then He fixes my mind again. Somewhere this cycle ends, right? Preferably sometime during my single life and not just when I finally do meet a guy and get married.

Life is so frustrating right now and I can't even explain these thoughts that are in my head and that makes me even more frustrated. I think I'm going to burst into flame because I am frustrated and can't figure out how to express myself. Oh, life. Why must it be so confusing and messy and hard?







There is still more that I want to say... but I still cannot put it into words. Therefore, this post ends here...

Friday, November 8, 2013

Several Rants, So I Broke Them Up

Folks, I have so much to say it's ridiculous. In order to decrease confusion r/t my long-windedness, I have decided to makes several posts, each labeled with their main topic. That way, you can easily navigate the page and not read my whole entire weeks novel just to get past what you weren't interested in, to get to what you were...

I apologize for today because this blog has turned into more of a diary as apposed to an actually helpful nursing blog. I'm hoping that useful stuff will happen to me regarding nursing school soon, starting next semester, but this semester is all about theory and YAWN!

So, the formatting on my actual blog may be kinda strange. Don't pay attention to the times it says that the posts were posted because I am trying to put this one first, which requires me to do some finagling with the times. Also, I love the word finagling.

Let's get this party started! A lot happened to me this week...

#1: Boy Drama

Do y'all remember the boy who I met over the summer due to me being evacuated for the fire?

I slept in his bed before I ever even met him. He wasn't there, but sleeping in anyone's bed, or even seeing their bedroom, is something I consider very intimate (not that kind of intimate, but it's their personal space where they express themselves however they want. Therefore, it gives a window into some of their hidden areas of their life. That makes it very personal and intimate.

Anyway, after he asked me out (over text, not good to do BTW), we decided that we could be "just friends" because I was on my no dating kick. Still am, actually, and this whole mess is partly the reason. After he said we could just get to know each other as pals, he got a girlfriend and announced it on Facebook the VERY NEXT DAY! Guys, 1) don't be working on two girls at the same time just in case one shuts you down. The other(s) will find out because we are not stupid. 2) If you are going to be foolish and play with a few girl's hearts by "pursuing" them but don't actually care who you start going out with, don't friend both/all of them and then announce a relationship with another girl. That shows that you were playing us and it shuts down any chance of you with us in the future.

*Disclaimer: I do not, in any way, condone deceitful or secretive behavior. I just want people to be mindful of how their actions and words can affect others. Mostly, I want people to think before they talk and before they do anything, ever.

I blocked him on Facebook and deleted his number from my phone after that little mess. No contact between the two of us for 4 months. I thought it was over and I had finally pushed it from my mind and the sting did not hurt so bad any longer.

Wednesday night I get a text from an unknown number, "Hey."

I replied, thinking it was him, but not being entirely certain. But, I'm sure you can guess who it was. Yes, you're so smart! It was the summer boy. We talked for a bit, but he still didn't seem interested in me. I don't understand if that's just how he is, or if he got bored and had no one else to talk to so then I'm a last resort. It doesn't make any sense.

Anyway, I told him I was going to get a haircut yesterday and he asked for a picture of me... What?!

First, I hate taking pictures anyway and I really don't like seeing myself in pictures afterwards. Secondly, I don't understand why he wanted a picture because we are not dating, we are only really acquaintances so he has no need for a photo of me. Lastly, guys are visual creatures. I don't need to be stuck in the head of some guy for who-knows-what (yes, I assume the worst).

When I refused he said, "Ok... that's fine." Like he was disappointed or something. You know what's bad? I actually considered sending him a picture despite my discomfort and besides my better judgement. I had a 45 minute waffling period where I discussed it with G-d. I almost caved on my boundaries AGAIN!

Praise the L-rd, I finally decided to stick to my guns and not be pressured by some silly boy to do something that I felt uncomfortable about. Every inch you give them, they will take a mile or more. So, don't give them even a centimeter. Stand your ground and if they pressure you to do anything outside of your comfort level, especially when it goes against your beliefs, then they weren't worth the time or heartache anyway. That's guaranteed.

#2: Cabela's

For those of you who like the southern/country way of living, or if you like hunting/fishing/shooting/bows/etc, or if you like Duck Dynasty (because it's pretty much the best show EVER). Y'all need to find a Cabela's and go to it. I don't care how long you have to drive. I don't care if you have to get a passport to go see it. I don't care if the cheapest way to get there would be to fly a private jet, then take a taxi, then hitchhike. Get yourself on down to a Cabela's.

I was a kid in a candy shop! They had Duck Dynasty everything. They had pink everything. They also have a lot of really sweet guys that talked to me about guns and didn't act like I'm a fool for being a girl but wanting a shotgun, a hand gun, and several other hunting tools. As of yet, I still have not gone hunting. I simply need someone (preferably a cute boy) who likes it (and who is good at it, and who also hopefully likes me and knows me very well) to take me. Presently, I do not have such a person. Therefore, I must work on my gun collection now in order to prepare for such a wonderful guy. Plus, it is one of the few types of collections that allow for practical use, loads of fun, and also a means of foodstuffs. It's a wonderful collection/hobby. Plus, girls typically look super cool and gorgeous when they can protect themselves against any intruder and can also handle the burden of shooting and killing a living critter.

That's hard for me because I have been trying to nurse things back to health for so long. I used to be able to fish and bait the hook with worms with no problems. One summer, all of a sudden I could no longer stand the though of repeatedly stabbing those poor little helpless, innocent worms just to thrown them really fast through the air (on a hook) to then drown them while waiting for a fish to come and consume it. Then you have to deal with killing the fish in a painful fashion in order to reel it back towards you and then let it die slowly.

I used to be able to fish. That doesn't happen so much anymore.

What makes me think I can kill a beautiful, majestic deer or an elk? I don't know. But I want to be able to know that I can survive if I ever get lost in the woods. If I can't kill for food, I will die anyway. If I can't kill for protection (from cougars, and other scary animals) then I will die painfully myself anyway. There seems to be no winning. So, I have put it in my mind that I would like to learn to hunt in order to learn basic survival techniques in case I do ever get lost in the woods. It means leaving all of my nursing brain at home and finding a way to get my mind over causing harm to these incredible creatures.

Anyway, Cabela's is now one of my favorite stores in all of my history. Maybe one day, I can go back and actually spend money there for some of their cute clothes or on a pretty pink fishing pole or something. Someday, it will happen. Until then, I'm a happy girl.

#3: Flirting

I went to Cabela's last night with my mom. In the whole 30 minutes that we walked around that store, we must have had 7 guys (employees) come up and ask us if we needed help. Great customer service! I hate when you have to go seek out help and the employees don't want to talk to you and they seem rude. So, I was becoming more and more pleased with the store because they have cool stuff, great customer service, Duck Dynasty stuff is everywhere (and in pink versions too!!!), and the guys selling guns took me seriously when I talked about getting a gun. That never happens to me. Also, I had just gotten my hair done and my makeup was done, so I was looking fairly decent. That has not happened in several weeks (unless I'm going out). So, it was a great night.

As we were walking back to the car my mom says, "That guy was flirting with you."

Me: "No he wasn't, he was selling me on a gun."

Mom: "That's probably why we keep getting asked if we need help so often tonight. You are so cute!"

Me: "..."


Folks, hopefully you know me by now, but I am kind of good at school but my people skills are lacking. I don't even know what flirting is!

So, I asked my mom what flirting is, when we got back in the car. She didn't answer me. That gave me no choice. I needed an answer and decided to consult my favorite source: Google.

After several hours of research, I still have no idea what flirting is. There is no formula, there is no absolute sign, there is no light that says that someone is flirting or that they are just being helpful. Therefore my understanding of dating fundamentals is still -8239885628473204873. Yes, I made it a quantitative amount on a scale from 1-10. I am in the negatives and a pretty deep negative, if you ask me but I was being conservative.

I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT FLIRTING IS!!!

This sucks. People have been leaning over to me saying, "Oh, he's flirting with you!" or something to that effect. I blush because 1) it sounds dirty to me and 2) I am embarrassed that I don't know what it is and 3) I'm embarrassed that it is happening to me and they called me out on it.

What is flirting? How do guys do it? More importantly, how do I avoid doing it? Do you have any ways of knowing that it's happening? Is it more of a guesstimating thing to be able to "read" into what is flirtatious and what is just genuine kindness? Is it inconvenient/embarrassing/unnecessary for anyone else?

Am I the only one that has no idea of what's going on?

Friday, November 1, 2013

Goin' Out With My Boots On

Well, I went out last night, with my boots on. Unfortunately, they are not Western boots not work boots (like in the song). They were just plain, black boots. But I went out last night with a bunch of my friends from last year. We were celebrating one of their birthdays and so we all met at a brewery. No, none of us are old enough to drink, but they have really good food and they make their own cream soda and root beer which, I was told, is delicious. Normally, when I go out with a large group of friends, I sit at end, but not at the foot or head of the table. Last night I sat smack dab in the middle and had so much fun! I don't think I've laughed so hard in months. Plus, they understand me. They know my quirks, they get excited when I get excited about something I'm sharing, and they understand my weird story telling, and they love me anyway. They also know that I don't like gossiping so they refrain from in even though there was some drama last night between my guy friends and the girl that used to like one of them. I've told you about it. The girl showed up at dinner and the boys came and I was scared she hadn't gotten invited. Then I was scared that it would be awkward. I didn't feel the tension, but I may have just been so happy to see everyone I didn't pay attention. Whatever, we got through the night.

Long story short, I prayed for more friends. G-d gave me a night out with my old friends. I feel much better now.

Also, I have a Pharm test today. I've been studying here and there all week, but still don't think I've really gotten anywhere. Oy, this is frustrating. It seems like I do so much work, but then I don't know any of the material or drugs. Then I take the test and get bad grades but I don't know how to get better grades. I have to bring up my Pharm and Patho grades because I am scared I'm going to flunk out of this program in the first semester. I wouldn't be able to handle myself if I did.

Well, I had been feeling like I was finally getting this nursing school thing down, I don't anymore. I was thinking that my feelings of overwhelming, impending doom was barreling towards me were beginning to go away. They aren't, I had just misplaced them but have recently rediscovered that they have gotten stronger. My episodes of random "bad" days where nothing really goes wrong but it all feels bad, were subsiding. Those, too, have come back in full force. Ugh! How do I go on in school if I can hardly make it through each day? Should I go talk to my professors? Can/will they even help?

I guess I will go talk to them. Even if it doesn't help, at least I will go down fighting.

I still need more friends and more nights like last night.


In other news, I got to palpate edema in my friends legs because she had been standing all day (she is the friend I met in the dorms last year who is now in the nursing program with me. We're pretty tight now.) I also got to help our waitress who has an ear infection and my friends introduced me and the other nursing student as nursing students last night. It was a pretty proud moment even though I still don't "feel" like a student nurse. So, that was the cherry on top of last nights momentary bliss.