Guys, I'm freaking out today. I was doing okay for the first time a couple days ago and now I'm headed back into the sad part of my cycle. I'm freaking out because I'm terrified I have an STD.
I know, I shouldn't be worrying and then refuse to go get tested. Thing is, I didn't want the contact that spreads STDs. It wasn't my choice. I could choose for the guys to have protection. I didn't choose any of it. That makes me angry. If I had a choice in any part of the matter at all, then I wouldn't be in this predicament.
I'm angry because I didn't get a choice. I'm angry because if I do have one, then I feel like my life is over because I don't want a husband to get it, if I have anything, and I damn sure don't want kids to get it. So then marriage and children are out of the picture for me.
That was my nightmare last night. That I had an STD.
I know I should go get tested but I'm terrified that it will be the end of my life and dreams.
I'm hoping I can just get to counseling tomorrow. I look forward to having it twice a week because I'm not doing well going so far out between sessions. I feel better the first few days and then I start sinking again about mid-way through the week once it gets to about Thursday or Friday and then my weekends are shit.
On a positive note, I got a snow day today. I really needed it. I'm just hoping I get to start clinicals tomorrow because it'll be the first day of OB clinicals and I'm on the Mom/Baby floor. Yay!
I feel for u, my heart goes out to you. Regardless, be strong and do the testing. It's about protecting yourself from further damage. Don't think further along than finding out the results. And when you get the results, make sure that your physician seals them and you get to open them during a counselling session so that if they are bad you have someone that can support you through the emotions. And if they're favorable then you have someone to still be able to talk through your emomtions with. But it's vital you get the testing done - answers are important one way or another.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of the results being sealed so I can open them at a counseling session. I was supposed to have counseling tomorrow and I was hoping to bring up the subject but my city has been shut down for 2.5 days due to a couple feet of snow deciding to blanket us. So I don't think I'll be able to make it tomorrow but I'm wondering if she'll be able to do a session over the phone.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard because getting tested would hopefully put an end to my excessive anxiety and debilitating worry, but I'm afraid that if the results are bad that that would be the last straw that I have in my facade of keeping life going.