Sleepless in... Just Sleepless

Instead of sleeping, as I should be for my day shift Labor and Delivery shift tomorrow, I'm laying here in bed with my mind racing.

I let Best Friend know that I need to be friends, and nothing more, because I am having a hard time. He took it rough, but he seemed gracious enough. Next day, he asked me over. He was in a terrible mood, looked exhausted, and he snapped at me a few times. I knew I shouldn't have gone over, but I was confused when he invited me, so I went. Bad choice, I should have trusted my gut.

He keeps texting me every once in a while, trying to pretend like he's not hurting. I know that he is. I am too, just not in the same way.

He brought up that I don't seem okay tonight, as we were casually texting. I wish that our conversations didn't just happen over the phone, where we're just reading words on a screen instead of able to listen to inflection and be able to clarify things as they come up. Instead, we choose the stupid route of sending off sentences at a time, then waiting minutes, to respond with a few more sentences. A 30 minutes conversation could go was faster, and way better in person, but we drag it out over a few very painful days.

He doesn't understand why I can't just "let my walls down and let him in". Dude, I don't even know why I can't do that! It doesn't make any sense to me! I don't know why I can't figure out dating. Why I can't get past this shit.  Why I can't just be normal and have a fucking relationship where I don't end up in another level of PTSD or I end up hurting others because I'm in my survival PTSD brain. I can't figure it out! That's why I'm in counseling.

I guess I have an attachment disorder. Who'da thunk it?

Maybe I am supposed to just be single. I came to terms with that until Best Friend decided being friends wasn't enough, and then I slowly talked myself into thinking about dating again. Then I told a couple of friends that are always worried about me finding someone so that we can "double date" that I kissed Best Friend and they got all excited.

I know that relationships are NOT about making my friends happy, but somewhere along the line, I got confused and stopped thinking. That ended me in an "almost" relationship and that's where I shut down again and started regressing down the wanting to smoke line again... My anxiety came back... I started having worries and nightmares again... I started in with other self-destructive behaviors (I did not start cutting again, don't worry)...

When I told my counselor about Best Friend, I was excited, but reserved. That was about 3-4 weeks ago. When I told her about him this week, and how I was regressing, she confirmed that it was not fair for him and that for my sanity, I needed to talk with him. She encouraged me to do it face-to-face, and I fully planned to do that. But he started texting me after my counseling session, and instead of just taking my "it went okay" text, he started probing for details. I know, it's none of his business. However, I shared with him that I was struggling. He asked if it was because of how we were progressing, and I said "kind of". Then he started apologizing, and he was convinced that he caused me to have flashbacks and caused all of this damage to me. I reassured him, it was not his fault.

His mom shared with him, just an hour before our conversation, that she was depressed. Had I known that, I would have handled my problem differently. I did not, however, know about their conversation about her struggles, so he got double dumped on by two ladies in his life. This sweet kid is very caring and it was just too much for him.

Therefore, when I saw him the next day and he looked exhausted and was snappy, I had a pretty good idea of why. And, unfortunately, he just confirmed my suspicions, all on his own. He's having a rough go of things right now.

He mentioned that everybody gets hurt by me, and it's true. I honestly don't think that dating is a good idea for me because it doesn't end well.

All the Disorders

Turns out I am getting diagnosed with a new type of mental disorder every few weeks. PTSD (complex), of course, generalized anxiety disorder, and more recently an attachment disorder.

I spoke with best friend yesterday about how our friendship... flirting with relationship (plus kissing)... has caused me to regress a bit. He's upset, as is to be expected. Now he's thinking he did something wrong, even though I keep assuring him he did nothing wrong. But he's been pissy all this time. He still keeps talking to me, instead of just taking a break, but he's obviously angry and hurt and sad. I don't blame him. I told him not to go down that road and to leave me be and let me try to figure things out because I know I'm broken. Him, in his gentle hearted way, decided to not listen to me and to try to fix me by being as nice as he possibly could. He got me flowers, made sure to respect my boundaries, and did everything RIGHT. And still, I am so broken that he still ends up hurt. I'm just not a good person to try to date.

Meanwhile, I really like my counselor. She and I see eye-to-eye on many things and I trust her ability to lead me through some healing. I hope the rest of my time in counseling with her goes well. Boy do I need help!

Work is okay. The NICU is still giving me grief, but mostly they are a place I can go and snuggle babies because they only give me the feeder/growers. Labor and Delivery is still so wonderful and exciting. I don't know how I will ever get to the point of feeling like I know what I'm doing, but I'm hoping it will come. Judgement and care task abilities came with the NICU, it just took a lot of practice and questions. We shall see how everything goes...