My grandpa is in his last days. He's grown so weak, tired, and he's largely given up. It's hard to watch. He hasn't been able to go visit his family/siblings down in the south, because my grandma won't let him go. He doesn't technically know that the doctor knows he's dying, because my grandma won't let the doctor tell him. He's not eating things that he can actually stomach, because she won't let him eat anything but "Boost" shakes.
You have no idea how much I despise what she's doing to him, but I've exhausted my list of resources and they have all proven to be USELESS. Nobody is helping him at all!!!
So, my mom is the black sheep of the family. She is "unwelcome" because she doesn't buy into my grandma's scheming, manipulation, and hatred. However, my mom pushes my grandma's continued abuse aside, so that she can go check on my grandpa, and see if she can do anything for him. Recently, my mom's sibling that live in other states decided to come and visit grandpa before he dies. We all went over to my grandma's house and that's when things went downhill.
Let's start off that grandma has nobody that sticks around. She has favored one particular son, we'll call him Buddy (ironically kind for how mean he is). Grandma has Malicious Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The only attention she knows how to give, is evil attention. She is out to get everyone, and I'm not even kidding. There is no way she is not controlled by a terribly evil spirit, there's simply no way she's not straight evil. All she does is steal, kill, and destroy.
Anyway, we were all there, none of us like her, but we were there for grandpa. My aunt wanted to have a small family discussion, to see what grandpa's last wishes are for his funeral, burial arrangements, etc. My aunt brought it up gently, spoke just to grandma, and kept it civil. Grandma kept skirting the questions, like I've never seen anybody avoid questions. And exfiance was a master at it! I'm not saying he was particularly smart in his answers, but he sure didn't answer any question.
So, grandma was avoiding the questions, then she realized we were all watching her and listening. That's where things really took a turn for the worst. I wanted to stand up for my aunt, as my grandma started to accuse her of meddling. But then my mom asked a very simple question, even in a nice way. My uncle Buddy turned on her! He started yelling at her, for literally no reason (other than the fact that he was already drunk). He tried to start yelling at her for staying away from the family and how she kept my brother and I away from our fucking crazy, evil grandmother and him (who beat his wife and raped her on a regular basis, and has a serious drinking problem causing him to lose all of his teeth over a decade ago).
This is when I couldn't take it anymore. I jumped in and told him "I'm glad she (my mom) kept us away! Grandma's a bitch and I don't want to ever know you! You didn't even know my name or who I was!" I continued on, but because of my dissociation, I don't remember what else I said. I called grandma out for lying about everything. She was trying to tell me what the doctors were doing even through 1) what she was saying makes no medical sense and 2) I have already heard from the doctors and 3) anybody with a pulse and half a brain know that he's not going to live another 1-2 years and that he's actually getting better. Ugh, her lies are just too much to handle. I can't believe she is so ridiculously crazy, that she thinks we're dumb enough to listen to the lies that spill from her mouth. We call her out on most of the lies she feeds us every time she talks. And yet, because of her personality disorder/demons, she thinks we believe her. There's really no way to make this shit up. Oh, and I used a lot of bad words this weekend that I hadn't used in months. I'm not proud of it, but it happened.
So he had his finger in my face, I could have reached out and broken his nose. I was sitting, he was standing over me and yelling. His best comeback? "You mom lies!" Homeboy, you're fighting with grandma too and everything my mom has told me about you and grandma has been proven to me... by you and grandma. I am old enough and smart enough to make my own decisions about you. You guys bragged about me being a nurse when grandpa was originally in the hospital, but now you want to tell me I don't know anything? Little kids know when their grandmother doesn't like them and yells at them (the little kids) and when the only memories I have of grandma and uncle Buddy are of them yelling at my mom, I'm not going to soon forget those memories.
He continue to yell at me and get up in my face until his son came out of the house and and yelled at him saying: "Dad! What are you doing?!? You're yelling at BedpanAlley!" Obviously he used my real name... but the rest of it is real! Buddy proceeded to sit down, but got up quickly and started talking over grandma who was trying to tell me all these lies about trying to visit me when I was a kid and how her and grandpa tried to drive by and essentially stalk my brother and I. Her and Buddy then started yelling at each other because he kept talking over her. Hahaha, that was pretty funny.
He got up in my mom's face again, blah, blah, blah. More fighting. Blah, blah, blah. Then another one of my uncles stepped in and called her out on not visiting his kids or caring about them either. He had a really great speech, directed straight to her about how ugly she's been, how terrible she is, and how much she lies. At the conclusion of that, I leaned over to my mom, whispered "Mic drop, we gotta go" and all of us left.
I wish I could have said different words. I wish that my arguments were better thought out and less emotionally charged. However, I am so proud of myself for standing up for my mom and getting to yell at grandma and my uncle Buddy. I wanted to yell at her dad (great-grandpa) for him yelling at me when I was a kid, but he up and died before I got the chance.
I spoke my peace instead of getting scared and avoiding the situation. I wanted to get up and leave, but I couldn't leave my mom. I didn't back down!!!
Showing posts with label narcissistic personality disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label narcissistic personality disorder. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 5, 2017
Monday, June 19, 2017
Oh Grandma
So, I think I told you guys that grandma (not Mema who works in the NICU) went into the hospital. She was diagnosed with COPD and CHF and went home on oxygen. She was also sent home on diuretics which caused her to need to use the bathroom a lot... as we all know diuretics do to keep you from dying...
Well, she could barely walk before her hospitalization. She really can't walk now and she can't make it to the bathroom so she keeps peeing in her chair. That made her mad so she quit taking her diuretics... WHY DID HER IDIOT DOCTORS SEND HER HOME??? She couldn't walk in the hospital, what makes them think anyone would be able to take care of her at home.
The only shower is upstairs. She can't walk across level ground, there is no way in hell she can make it upstairs. So my uncle is "building" her a tent out back to have showers via buckets of water...
She had her "nurse" neighbor come over to help her sort her pills for every day. She was complaining to the nurse lady saying that the nurses during her hospital stay were trying to steal her credit cards and "tied her up" because they wanted to keep her there. She was nearly intubated because her CO2 levels were so high, due to her lack of health and lack of healthcare seeking behaviors.
No, the nurse did not believe her ridiculous story. I don't know why grandma thinks everyone is dumb enough to believe her out-of-this-world stories, but she believes these stories she has concocted.
Life gets more interesting by the day and I'm glad that I started on the job search and my move when I did. I hope that we can get grandpa out of this terrible situation as soon as possible.
More updates to come. We have funny stories regularly. I know that the stories recounted here do not do it justice but I flat out started crying from laughing so hard when my mom told me about the firemen getting her to the stairs, the shower tent, and her recollection to a fellow nurse about grandma's nurses trying to steal from grandma. *sigh* If only I were on a reality T.V. show, where everyone would get to understand what happens in my family.
Well, she could barely walk before her hospitalization. She really can't walk now and she can't make it to the bathroom so she keeps peeing in her chair. That made her mad so she quit taking her diuretics... WHY DID HER IDIOT DOCTORS SEND HER HOME??? She couldn't walk in the hospital, what makes them think anyone would be able to take care of her at home.
The only shower is upstairs. She can't walk across level ground, there is no way in hell she can make it upstairs. So my uncle is "building" her a tent out back to have showers via buckets of water...
She had her "nurse" neighbor come over to help her sort her pills for every day. She was complaining to the nurse lady saying that the nurses during her hospital stay were trying to steal her credit cards and "tied her up" because they wanted to keep her there. She was nearly intubated because her CO2 levels were so high, due to her lack of health and lack of healthcare seeking behaviors.
No, the nurse did not believe her ridiculous story. I don't know why grandma thinks everyone is dumb enough to believe her out-of-this-world stories, but she believes these stories she has concocted.
Life gets more interesting by the day and I'm glad that I started on the job search and my move when I did. I hope that we can get grandpa out of this terrible situation as soon as possible.
More updates to come. We have funny stories regularly. I know that the stories recounted here do not do it justice but I flat out started crying from laughing so hard when my mom told me about the firemen getting her to the stairs, the shower tent, and her recollection to a fellow nurse about grandma's nurses trying to steal from grandma. *sigh* If only I were on a reality T.V. show, where everyone would get to understand what happens in my family.
Saturday, June 10, 2017
The Trainwreck of Family
This is a post dedicated to grandma... Oh. My. Gosh.
Keep in mind that grandma and Mema are different people. Grandma has narcissistic personality disorder, or the evilest degree. She does things to spite people and really helped me through my Mental Health rotations because I got to diagnose her from the DSM-V, see all of the real-world manifestations of the symptoms, and now I get to watch legit crazy unfold before me without having to take care of it.
Grandma ended up falling out of bed while my grandpa's sister was in town. Now, this would probably not be a huge deal normally, but she's a few hundred pounds and barely able to walk when she feels better. Mostly she depends on places having wheel chairs and makes my grandpa (who is a cancer patient and on chemo) wheel her around and carry her bags. Are you fucking kidding me???!!!??? Let's shy away from that, though.
She fell out of bed and tried to get my uncle and grandpa to get her up. Well, they couldn't do it so my grandpa's sister called the fire department (against grandma's wishes because their house needs to be condemned). 4 firefighters couldn't get her up, so they slid her on a fancy air mattress (like what we use in the hospital to transport patients) and got her to the stairs. She ended up in the hospital via 9-1-1 a couple days later.
Dude, she almost got fired from being a patient for being so mean and combative!!! She was in restraints and everything! The doctor threatened to discharge her and let her figure out how to get home and how to care for herself. She ended up staying in there for a few more days, so we tried to get a better psych consult but they say we can't ask for that because we were not put as her POA (power of attorney). Couldn't you do it because she's already shown herself to be bat shit crazy in the first 2 seconds she was there? C'mon?!?
She ended up getting discharge home after about 4 days in the hospital. She was sent home with nobody to care for her, home oxygen, and meals on wheels. She's got CHF, COPD, morbid obesity, and she is less mobile than when she went to the hospital. I don't understand how they thought that would be okay. The hospitals in Home Town have consistently let us down when it comes to care and discharge of my grandparents and I'm getting more and more frustrated with the medical care that patients receive. I hate that in nursing school we are taught about all of the resources and help available to people, but there's nothing in the real world. NOTHING!
Grandpa was sent home after account after account of abuse and lack of people to be able to care for him. Grandpa was sent home with nothing. Grandma was sent home after it was proven that she can't survive at home! She needs equipment to get her up, help with the bathroom, assistance to shower, and tons of other help. She was sent home with nothing, even though she actually needs to be admitted to a nursing home.
What are ya gonna do? She has freewill and the right to deny nursing home care. The social workers are doing nothing to help grandpa minus a brief home visit 2 weeks after his discharge to prove that he was not able to go up the stairs to get to bed. That visit did nothing. She was also supposed to see that there is one working bathroom in the whole blessed house, human feces covering said bathroom, no working fridge/freezer, lack of driving abilities on grandma's part, and grandpa can't drive because of his seizure meds. None of this was assessed and we specifically laid out concerns point by point. It's enough to make you want to bang your head against a wall or walk on shoes of legos where all of the pointy edges dig into your feet with every step.
G-d is working everything out though. Do you remember how I told you that grandma stole grandpa's phone and routed all of his calls to her phone? Well, while she was in the hospital, grandpa went in and asked for his phone and credit cards back (she had also stolen his wallet). My aunt (my mom's sister) went into grandpa's phone and undid grandma's little move to forward his calls to her phone. Grandpa also expressed his need to get his will situated, look at his bank account, and started asking how much longer he has to live. All of these things were things he didn't want to do with grandma there because she has been known to steal from people, especially if they are fixin' to die or newly dead. My great grandpa stayed dead in his house for a couple of days before grandma (who found her dad dead) called 9-1-1 about finding him dead, so that she could go through his house and take what money and valuables she could find before her two siblings found out he had passed away.
You can't make this shit up.
We think she forwarded the calls from grandpa's phone to hers in order to screen his doctor calls and bank calls. We think she was also stealing his money, thus the taking his cards and forwarding his calls... As far as screening doctor calls, that's so that she can be in control of what we, as the family, get told. When grandpa was initially admitted into the hospital, she told us he was in the ICU and intubated and fixing to die. That was a huge ass lie. He was confused and slightly sedated at first, but it only lasted a night or two before he came around to being his normal, cute little self. I don't know why she lied like that, but she does it regularly. She doesn't even lie about big stuff every once in awhile, she lies every single time she opens her mouth. She lies about stuff that happened 10 minutes ago that I was witness to and know what actually happened. I'm talking bat-shit crazy, people!!!
This is legit family drama and it all happened over the course of this last week (except grandpa going into the hospital, that was a couple months ago). Since grandpa's hospitalization, grandma just gets worse and worse with her schemes and evil shenanigans.
Keep in mind that grandma and Mema are different people. Grandma has narcissistic personality disorder, or the evilest degree. She does things to spite people and really helped me through my Mental Health rotations because I got to diagnose her from the DSM-V, see all of the real-world manifestations of the symptoms, and now I get to watch legit crazy unfold before me without having to take care of it.
Grandma ended up falling out of bed while my grandpa's sister was in town. Now, this would probably not be a huge deal normally, but she's a few hundred pounds and barely able to walk when she feels better. Mostly she depends on places having wheel chairs and makes my grandpa (who is a cancer patient and on chemo) wheel her around and carry her bags. Are you fucking kidding me???!!!??? Let's shy away from that, though.
She fell out of bed and tried to get my uncle and grandpa to get her up. Well, they couldn't do it so my grandpa's sister called the fire department (against grandma's wishes because their house needs to be condemned). 4 firefighters couldn't get her up, so they slid her on a fancy air mattress (like what we use in the hospital to transport patients) and got her to the stairs. She ended up in the hospital via 9-1-1 a couple days later.
Dude, she almost got fired from being a patient for being so mean and combative!!! She was in restraints and everything! The doctor threatened to discharge her and let her figure out how to get home and how to care for herself. She ended up staying in there for a few more days, so we tried to get a better psych consult but they say we can't ask for that because we were not put as her POA (power of attorney). Couldn't you do it because she's already shown herself to be bat shit crazy in the first 2 seconds she was there? C'mon?!?
She ended up getting discharge home after about 4 days in the hospital. She was sent home with nobody to care for her, home oxygen, and meals on wheels. She's got CHF, COPD, morbid obesity, and she is less mobile than when she went to the hospital. I don't understand how they thought that would be okay. The hospitals in Home Town have consistently let us down when it comes to care and discharge of my grandparents and I'm getting more and more frustrated with the medical care that patients receive. I hate that in nursing school we are taught about all of the resources and help available to people, but there's nothing in the real world. NOTHING!
Grandpa was sent home after account after account of abuse and lack of people to be able to care for him. Grandpa was sent home with nothing. Grandma was sent home after it was proven that she can't survive at home! She needs equipment to get her up, help with the bathroom, assistance to shower, and tons of other help. She was sent home with nothing, even though she actually needs to be admitted to a nursing home.
What are ya gonna do? She has freewill and the right to deny nursing home care. The social workers are doing nothing to help grandpa minus a brief home visit 2 weeks after his discharge to prove that he was not able to go up the stairs to get to bed. That visit did nothing. She was also supposed to see that there is one working bathroom in the whole blessed house, human feces covering said bathroom, no working fridge/freezer, lack of driving abilities on grandma's part, and grandpa can't drive because of his seizure meds. None of this was assessed and we specifically laid out concerns point by point. It's enough to make you want to bang your head against a wall or walk on shoes of legos where all of the pointy edges dig into your feet with every step.
G-d is working everything out though. Do you remember how I told you that grandma stole grandpa's phone and routed all of his calls to her phone? Well, while she was in the hospital, grandpa went in and asked for his phone and credit cards back (she had also stolen his wallet). My aunt (my mom's sister) went into grandpa's phone and undid grandma's little move to forward his calls to her phone. Grandpa also expressed his need to get his will situated, look at his bank account, and started asking how much longer he has to live. All of these things were things he didn't want to do with grandma there because she has been known to steal from people, especially if they are fixin' to die or newly dead. My great grandpa stayed dead in his house for a couple of days before grandma (who found her dad dead) called 9-1-1 about finding him dead, so that she could go through his house and take what money and valuables she could find before her two siblings found out he had passed away.
You can't make this shit up.
We think she forwarded the calls from grandpa's phone to hers in order to screen his doctor calls and bank calls. We think she was also stealing his money, thus the taking his cards and forwarding his calls... As far as screening doctor calls, that's so that she can be in control of what we, as the family, get told. When grandpa was initially admitted into the hospital, she told us he was in the ICU and intubated and fixing to die. That was a huge ass lie. He was confused and slightly sedated at first, but it only lasted a night or two before he came around to being his normal, cute little self. I don't know why she lied like that, but she does it regularly. She doesn't even lie about big stuff every once in awhile, she lies every single time she opens her mouth. She lies about stuff that happened 10 minutes ago that I was witness to and know what actually happened. I'm talking bat-shit crazy, people!!!
This is legit family drama and it all happened over the course of this last week (except grandpa going into the hospital, that was a couple months ago). Since grandpa's hospitalization, grandma just gets worse and worse with her schemes and evil shenanigans.
Friday, April 21, 2017
2 Year Anniversary
April 18 and 19 was my 2nd year anniversary of my first sexual assaults. I worked. I thought these days would get easier, but also that it was be more difficult than they were. I know that this makes no sense unless you're in it. But for me, this is the only way to describe the past few days.
At work, we had a girl come into the ER in labor. She came in with abdominal pain. After routine tests, it was discovered that she was 1) pregnant and 2) in active labor. After being told this information, she confessed she was raped. According to her well known dates, the baby was calculated to be premature by about a month. So, ER nurses called us and called L&D because NICU would need to go to that delivery and would possibly be taking the infant back to our unit.
I don't know what happened with that baby or with the girl, but I was at that delivery. The baby was born at full term. There was also the father in the room. I'm not saying she was lying, but I'm not able to know what the full story is either. The girls on my unit were angry, saying that she lied because the father was there.
Guys, that could have been me. I knew the father. I likely would have sought out prenatal care and I definitely called my mom. Well, the ER nurse that did my SANE exam made me... but still. I told my mom about the assault the night after it happened. I drove up to Home Town and went with her to dinner where I couldn't hold it in any longer. I told her in an Olive Garden then wept in her car, in her arms for hours. After ex-fiance raped me over a dozen times, I took the Plan B pill. It is against my beliefs but I couldn't be stuck to the evil guy that would continually invade my physical boundaries and my body. Plus, I had taken one after ex-boyfriend assaulted me and I was examined by a SANE nurse.
I wouldn't have allowed them in the room, if I had needed to give birth. I don't know if I would have told them. I don't know if I would have kept the baby. I just don't know.
I pray for the girl's sake and the sake of the baby, that she was lying, so that she doesn't actually have to live through this trauma that I deal with every day and I can't even make an hour of not remembering something that happened to me in the year of 2015. I was abused and battered and raped and in terrible relationships with two separate guys for the entire year of 2015. I hope for her sake that she was fucking lying. If, not, my heart hurts for her. She has no idea the pain that is coming. However, if she lied, I am angry. I am angry that people see this "label" as an easy way out of consequences that may be bestowed upon them by parents that would be pissed that their child got pregnant at the age of 17 and didn't tell them (the parent) about it until the mom was so concerned about her daughter that they went to the ER at 1 a.m.
Add in to this trying time of my year that the show "13 Reasons Why" is a very popular show and everyone seems to be talking about, discussing, and judging this poor girl and her decisions and her life. I know it's fictional, but it's not far off from my actual life story. I haven't watched the show, I won't. I know the premise of the show and I've read summaries of many of the episodes. It's not far off from how my story could have been.
Regardless of the year or which of my traumas is coming up on anniversary, somehow, my whole life and everything around me has a tendency to constantly remind of whatever it is I went through at this time a few years ago.
Great.
I have started looking for a counselor, don't worry. I'm fixin' to go back. I told my mom, which just ended up freaking her out, but I promised her it was just for a "catch-up". We'll see how it goes.
I went home to Home State a couple weeks ago. My first day back, I was car shopping with my mom when we got a call that her dad was in the hospital. Crap. Normally, it would be stressful enough having grandpa in the hospital for alleged "stroke-like symptoms". However, my mom's mom could be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, as per the DSM-V. She could also be diagnosed with about 97 other personality disorders, and I'm only barely being dramatic. Anyway, she was the one "relaying" the information to my aunt and didn't want to tell my mom because my grandma hates my mom. Yes, she hates her own daughter. Well, after lots of family drama, sneaking into the hospital to visit grandpa when she wasn't there, and spending my whole vacation explaining the adult medical world to my family despite letting them know I "don't do big people". I left my "vacation" exhausted, worried, and frustrated that I spent all my time at a different hospital, taking care of my grandpa (whom I absolutely adore) while trying to dodge my grandma (not to be confused with Mema, whom I work with here in the NICU where I currently reside). I saw my uncles and cousins who don't know who I am because they haven't seen me in 15 years because they are mean and grandma actually likes them and hates me. Grandma then got my number and has begun calling me. *facepalm*
It turns out grandpa was taken to the hospital with stroke-like symptoms and we found cancer in his lungs, liver, and brain. The brain lesions are what was causing his confusion. He had been coughing for a few weeks and began taking Mucinex. He began experiencing R sided numbness and weakness. We thought it was a symptom tied with the confusion, but turns out that extended use of Mucinex can/will cause that. Seeing as he took 5 bottles of Mucinex over the course of a month, it is much more likely the weakness was caused by that.
He is now in the midst of his 10 back-to-back radiation treatments. Following those, he will receive several rounds of chemo and still not have a particularly long time to live because he has small-cell carcinoma. Even if he goes into remission, the cancer will likely come back and with a vengeance.
Despite all of these things, grandpa is so frickin' cute. Even when he was confused, he was happy, pleasant, polite, and worried about his children and grandchildren. Despite being married to a horrible woman who constantly yells at him and berates him, he chooses to be happy and he chooses to stay with her because, as a Catholic, he believes he is doing the right thing by G-d. I so admire this man for staying happy, despite all that has happened to him over the course of his life. He takes things in stride, does what he can for his children, and just tried to by honorable in the eyes of the Good L-rd. Plus, he's so stinkin' cute!!!. Just excited for pudding and to see all 5 of his children in a room for the first time in decades. He has tons of grandkids and several great-grandkids. He worked until last year when he retired at the age of 75 from a job where he was a grounds keeper for a local park system in Home State. He worked hard, outside, for decades. He used to keep 3 jobs at all times to care for his family (granted, grandma did nothing and stole all of his money... but that's beside the point). He's worked hard and suffered his whole life, but he finds joy in getting pudding and juice. I love this man. I am so blessed to have gotten to see him while I was there. I gladly traded my vacation to stay with him while I could.
At work, we had a girl come into the ER in labor. She came in with abdominal pain. After routine tests, it was discovered that she was 1) pregnant and 2) in active labor. After being told this information, she confessed she was raped. According to her well known dates, the baby was calculated to be premature by about a month. So, ER nurses called us and called L&D because NICU would need to go to that delivery and would possibly be taking the infant back to our unit.
I don't know what happened with that baby or with the girl, but I was at that delivery. The baby was born at full term. There was also the father in the room. I'm not saying she was lying, but I'm not able to know what the full story is either. The girls on my unit were angry, saying that she lied because the father was there.
Guys, that could have been me. I knew the father. I likely would have sought out prenatal care and I definitely called my mom. Well, the ER nurse that did my SANE exam made me... but still. I told my mom about the assault the night after it happened. I drove up to Home Town and went with her to dinner where I couldn't hold it in any longer. I told her in an Olive Garden then wept in her car, in her arms for hours. After ex-fiance raped me over a dozen times, I took the Plan B pill. It is against my beliefs but I couldn't be stuck to the evil guy that would continually invade my physical boundaries and my body. Plus, I had taken one after ex-boyfriend assaulted me and I was examined by a SANE nurse.
I wouldn't have allowed them in the room, if I had needed to give birth. I don't know if I would have told them. I don't know if I would have kept the baby. I just don't know.
I pray for the girl's sake and the sake of the baby, that she was lying, so that she doesn't actually have to live through this trauma that I deal with every day and I can't even make an hour of not remembering something that happened to me in the year of 2015. I was abused and battered and raped and in terrible relationships with two separate guys for the entire year of 2015. I hope for her sake that she was fucking lying. If, not, my heart hurts for her. She has no idea the pain that is coming. However, if she lied, I am angry. I am angry that people see this "label" as an easy way out of consequences that may be bestowed upon them by parents that would be pissed that their child got pregnant at the age of 17 and didn't tell them (the parent) about it until the mom was so concerned about her daughter that they went to the ER at 1 a.m.
Add in to this trying time of my year that the show "13 Reasons Why" is a very popular show and everyone seems to be talking about, discussing, and judging this poor girl and her decisions and her life. I know it's fictional, but it's not far off from my actual life story. I haven't watched the show, I won't. I know the premise of the show and I've read summaries of many of the episodes. It's not far off from how my story could have been.
Regardless of the year or which of my traumas is coming up on anniversary, somehow, my whole life and everything around me has a tendency to constantly remind of whatever it is I went through at this time a few years ago.
Great.
I have started looking for a counselor, don't worry. I'm fixin' to go back. I told my mom, which just ended up freaking her out, but I promised her it was just for a "catch-up". We'll see how it goes.
I went home to Home State a couple weeks ago. My first day back, I was car shopping with my mom when we got a call that her dad was in the hospital. Crap. Normally, it would be stressful enough having grandpa in the hospital for alleged "stroke-like symptoms". However, my mom's mom could be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, as per the DSM-V. She could also be diagnosed with about 97 other personality disorders, and I'm only barely being dramatic. Anyway, she was the one "relaying" the information to my aunt and didn't want to tell my mom because my grandma hates my mom. Yes, she hates her own daughter. Well, after lots of family drama, sneaking into the hospital to visit grandpa when she wasn't there, and spending my whole vacation explaining the adult medical world to my family despite letting them know I "don't do big people". I left my "vacation" exhausted, worried, and frustrated that I spent all my time at a different hospital, taking care of my grandpa (whom I absolutely adore) while trying to dodge my grandma (not to be confused with Mema, whom I work with here in the NICU where I currently reside). I saw my uncles and cousins who don't know who I am because they haven't seen me in 15 years because they are mean and grandma actually likes them and hates me. Grandma then got my number and has begun calling me. *facepalm*
It turns out grandpa was taken to the hospital with stroke-like symptoms and we found cancer in his lungs, liver, and brain. The brain lesions are what was causing his confusion. He had been coughing for a few weeks and began taking Mucinex. He began experiencing R sided numbness and weakness. We thought it was a symptom tied with the confusion, but turns out that extended use of Mucinex can/will cause that. Seeing as he took 5 bottles of Mucinex over the course of a month, it is much more likely the weakness was caused by that.
He is now in the midst of his 10 back-to-back radiation treatments. Following those, he will receive several rounds of chemo and still not have a particularly long time to live because he has small-cell carcinoma. Even if he goes into remission, the cancer will likely come back and with a vengeance.
Despite all of these things, grandpa is so frickin' cute. Even when he was confused, he was happy, pleasant, polite, and worried about his children and grandchildren. Despite being married to a horrible woman who constantly yells at him and berates him, he chooses to be happy and he chooses to stay with her because, as a Catholic, he believes he is doing the right thing by G-d. I so admire this man for staying happy, despite all that has happened to him over the course of his life. He takes things in stride, does what he can for his children, and just tried to by honorable in the eyes of the Good L-rd. Plus, he's so stinkin' cute!!!. Just excited for pudding and to see all 5 of his children in a room for the first time in decades. He has tons of grandkids and several great-grandkids. He worked until last year when he retired at the age of 75 from a job where he was a grounds keeper for a local park system in Home State. He worked hard, outside, for decades. He used to keep 3 jobs at all times to care for his family (granted, grandma did nothing and stole all of his money... but that's beside the point). He's worked hard and suffered his whole life, but he finds joy in getting pudding and juice. I love this man. I am so blessed to have gotten to see him while I was there. I gladly traded my vacation to stay with him while I could.
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