White Robe Vision Anniversary

It's crazy to think that I'm at my one-year anniversary after my White Robe Vision.

For those who don't know what that means... A year ago I was in church singing along to the worship band. I had been struggling with anger, and depression, and aloneness, and everything that you can imagine someone would struggle with after mounds and mounds of trauma. To say that I was in a dark, scary place would be the understatement of a lifetime. I was singing, pleading with the L-rd for a miracle and for forgiveness when I had this image, a vision.

It was me in the fetal position, dressed in sackcloth with ashes and dirt covering me. I was sobbing. My view was as if I was standing watching myself in this dark but not scary space, but I also knew what it was like as the me that was on the floor sobbing. I don't know how I could be both, but I was.

Anyway, Yeshua (Jesus) walked over and helped me up. He handed me a pile of white clothes, a white robe. Instantly, I was dressed in white, holding His hand, and clean from head to toe. I knew in that moment that I was clean, forgiven, redeemed, and precious to the only One that truly matters. The weight that was literally suffocating me was lifted. I felt the physical sensation of being lighter and of being able to breathe. Tears, happy tears, were falling from my eyes and I was at peace for the first time in YEARS.

The high of this vision fueled my healing in counseling, my passion in bible study, and my joy in life. Since I was feeling better, much much better, I started EMDR. I don't know if I just got to the point in my "healing" where my brain started to process the anger and grief, or if it was because I was processing things in EMDR and therapy, but my joy was replaced by anger. Pure rage and grief and the darkest depression I have experienced in such a long time.

Not only was I battling the memories and nightmares that has stopped a short few months before, but I was suddenly from the highest high down in the my darkest pits. Even darker than I had just gotten out of! Suddenly the urges to start smoking again came back. The desire the slice my skin and jump on Tinder resurfaced. My prayers to not wake up in the morning or for me to die in some quick fashion started pouring from my heart again. My pleas for this life to be over or for me to wake up from this nightmare were back. The enormity of the betrayal I faced from ex-best friend hit me full-force. The horrors I survived and lived through hit me like a ton of bricks. My actions, reasons, and reactions all flooded into my memory boggling my mind with the crap that I've been through. Realizations of what my childhood was like, things I had forgotten were dredged up. Past hurts and scars and darkness all covered me at once. Crashing over me like tsunami-sized waves.

Now, after nearly 8 months, these waves are still skyscraper high, but I've sunk to the bottom of the ocean floor where the waves can't effect me so much because my brain has gone blank. I have a vague recollection that bad things have happened. A small understanding that I am hurt and have been damaged mocks me in the early hours when I wake up, or in the moments before I fall asleep. My heart squeezes and heat rises as my brain recalls the nightmares that I just had throughout my sleep were real events that happened. Anger overwhelms me and forces me from bed to try to go find some mind-numbing entertainment from the boob-tube.

I want to believe G-d has good in store. My heart craves the day when my life is redeemed and I maybe see some fruit that the sh!t that I *unfortunately* survived is going to be worth something to someone. Surely there is a reason behind the suffering. Surely there is a way that this can be helpful for something. Surely my life, my experiences, my pain and sorrow will not be a waste!

It's crazy to think that a year ago would start the roller-coaster that has been this past year. To go from so passionate and on fire for the L-rd, to questioning His beneficence towards me. Hope was replaced with rage and ecstatic joy was replaced with soul wrenching despair. My new found zest for life was, again, brought into the deepest of me begging for my life to end.

I'd like to say that my life is back to me being excited and on fire for the L-rd. I wish I could tell you all that life got back to smooth sailing, that I am happy and excited again and that I finished out the year with minimal lasting pain. Well, I could, but that would be a lie. Just when I started to think I was on the mend, my story would be used for goodness and I might be needed in this world after-all, I was knocked down again. Knocked down by someone who was supposed to be a mentor, a leader, a helper in the faith. At that point, the hits kept coming from every side. I confided in her about some recent family wounds and that was used against me, as ammo for the attacks. Ex-best friend joined in the attacks, people from work, patients, family, and anyone else that was in close proximity to me. They ganged up, at the enemies command, and I was bombarded by the tsunami waves that I thought I was avoiding by remaining on the ocean floor. There's no escape though.

Here, looking back on my year, I'm proud of myself for not falling back into self harm, not succumbing to the craving for a cigarette, and for not putting myself back onto Tinder. I fought like hell to still show up, to try to be as present as possible, and to put myself out there for others. I'm working harder than ever to find some good, some purpose, and some meaning in my suffering and loneliness. I am searching for hope and belonging somewhere. But I don't belong here. I don't belong on this earth. I will forever be a stranger, a loner, wandering along on this blue rotating rock. This is not my home. This is not where I will make sense. This is not where the answers will be found, where I am redeemed, or where my purpose lies.

My heart is so tired. My soul is weary. I don't know how much longer I can hold out here.

My anniversary of one of the most powerful gifts the L-rd has every given me is marked by a season of such despair and difficulty that I'm sent back into the pits of existence when I desperately desire to no longer exist. How can this be? It doesn't make sense!

Confusion on the Friend Front

It's been several months since I've posted, and it's kind of weird to think about that. Nothing has really been going on though.

Work is work. I battle apathy and terror. Depression and mediocre days war for my attention. My nightmares come back but they're different and beginning to fade. Though I wake up angry many days. My counselor has been on maternity leave since Thanksgiving-ish. I'm still single. YoungLife has become a distant memory and a struggle and a point of hurt, all at the same time. Friends seem to be a thing of the past for me.

I'm anxious in this period of waiting. I'm antsy. I feel something coming, but I don't know what it is.

Still, through all of these things, I hope there is something good coming. The past few months I went from things scheduled every day, being busy with YoungLife, work, counseling, piano lessons, and various other activities down to nothing but work. Spread out days of work, no less. I was supposed to go to a weekend getaway with some friends but they cancelled. I was supposed to go on a leader's retreat for YoungLife, but I couldn't convince myself to go, and then there was a funeral that ended up happening the day we were supposed to leave. I'm not sad I didn't go to that, because I just didn't want to. I don't want to force relationships with people who keep hurting me but that is stupid because then I'm all alone in the world.

Friends have been incredibly flakey lately, not even answering my texts. Canceling plans. Otherwise seeming to ignore me unless they need something. I don't know how I get here over and over again. Friends that say "we should hang out again!" "I'm so glad we met because we just get each other!" and other things, but then they don't answer texts and I don't see them. Maybe it's my phone that doesn't work? Maybe I'm the annoying friend that people try to avoid and only hang out with once in awhile because I'm so exhausting. Maybe I'm boring or have nothing to add to the conversation. Maybe I don't understand how the world works so it seems pointless to try to talk to me because it doesn't get them anywhere.

I'm a quarter of a century old and I'm utterly alone in the world. I don't understand. It's not for lack of trying. I joined YoungLife in hopes that I could make friends with leaders and make a difference in the lives of high school kids where I didn't have any help at that time. My teens answer half a conversation and then leave me on read before we make any plans. I pick up extra hours at work, try to arrange my schedule to be able to hang out with others but they cancel last minute and refuse to help me when I ask for a returned favor. My brother can't be bothered to answer my messages. My parents answer, but sometimes not for several days.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANY OF IT!!!

We're after the holidays, people should be slowing down and getting back into their routines. Surely somebody somewhere needs some company for something.

I'm too old to be upset and literally crying about these things. Yet, I found myself on the phone crying to my mom several times in the past couple of weeks.

Maybe I need to go back to counseling.

Meaning of Life

Millions of people have dedicated their lives to figuring out the purpose and meaning of life.

Writings are found in scriptures, and it is arguably the point of most, if not all religions.

Here I sit, after watching the movie Gifted, and I am contemplating the meaning of life. What the hell.

I've been in existential crisis mode for years. Maybe it is my developmental stage. Maybe I'm destined for greatness. Maybe, just maybe, I'm having the same wonderings that everybody else has because that's just what humans do. We all think that our lives should have meaning.

Some of us find meaning in making loads of friends and having tons of connections. Some of us have incredible brain power and focus on academia, solving the problems of the world, or inventing things. Some of us believe that bringing children into the world, loving them, and raising them to be "good people" or the best they can be is the point in life. Some of us chase monetary gains, travel experiences, time with friends and family, or other means to make our days full and busy and something that will strengthen the heart.



Bear with me for a moment, but what if there is more?

There has to be more to life than marrying someone, procreating, having happy days, chasing dreams, studying your life away, enjoying sunsets, and believing in some sort of deity or spiritual power.

There has to be more than waking up, eating, going on about your day doing whatever makes you happy or whatever is "necessary" for sustaining the life you believe you need to have, and then sleeping.

There has to be more than meeting your basic survival needs, maybe adding in some fun and relationships, and then calling it good for the entirety of your thousands of days on earth.

There has got to be something bigger behind us "making a life for ourselves" while on this earth, and potentially having your name or "legacy" remembered for a few generations. Somewhere along the line, whether a few days or thousands of years after you die, you will be forgotten.



So, then, what's the point? What's the point in going into millions of dollars of debt to continue on in your schooling? What's the point in losing time with family and friends so that you can go study? What is the point in trying to solve problems of the world, because you won't be able to solve all of the problems of the world. Plus, for each problem you solve, there are probably hundreds of others that come up.

What's the point in me missing time with friends and family to work? It doesn't matter that I love my job and my friends are also at work. The point is that I am "sacrificing" time of my life, a lot of time for that matter, to serve others who will no sooner forget my name than 3.85 seconds after I sign off for the day with them and the next shift comes in to take over.

But, then, what's the point in spending time with friends and family? They'll die, and betray you, and hurt your feelings, and cost you money, and be a weight on your shoulders. Yes, they are fun, provide love, and allow you to occupy your time doing desirable activities (hopefully). But, what's the reasoning behind it?

Why do we spend most of our lives with people we barely know, providing services that don't benefit us more than bringing in a paycheck, in order to spend money traveling, eating, on family, and to provide a roof over our heads and maybe even a bed to sleep on. Who cares? By the time you die, will that job really have meant a whole lot? It keeps you away from your family and friends, requires training and brain power, causes stress, forces you to interact with people who may/may not cause mental/physical/emotional harm to you.

Doesn't this seem counter-intuitive? Doesn't it all come out in the wash as being futile?

Why bring kids into the world? By your actions, another life is added to the count on earth. By doing this, you sign up another being to a life that is not guaranteed anything but turmoil, pain, sharp learning curves, ridicule, tears, and suffering. Great, there are times of laughter and joy. But, we're human. Being a Bible-believer, I believe it when G-d said we are going to spend our whole lives toiling. And for what?

Yeah, kids are great. If I believe that last bit about the Bible, I also have to believe that G-d told us to "be fruitful and multiply". To which I get to add ALL of the passages about life being painful, stupid, futile, lacking in meaning, and I come to the conclusion that none of it makes sense. Why sign another human being up for the pains and challenges of life that WE refuse to deal with on a daily basis?! Those poor little beings don't even have a choice in the matter! I didn't have a choice in the matter of being place here, with the difficulties of life, and yet here I am. I'm not mad at anyone that I'm here, I just don't find it particularly logical for me to bring a life into the world when I cannot rationalize being here, myself. (Which is probably for the best seeing as I would, at the very least, need to go find a sperm donor, cook the little soul for several months, and then go through the laboring to get the little life out of me... via torture that is largely self-inflicted.)



You can argue that our meaning in life is to be a good person, for G-d to mold us into whatever He wants us to be. Blah, blah, BLAH. Yada yada. *insert Charlie Brown's teacher in the middle of an 8 hour rant here*

I don't care.



None of this makes any sense to me. The older I get, the more research I do, the more I study scriptures and listen to people (from all backgrounds, not just seminary grads), and the more I have time to think and experience things, the more I believe that most of what I've been taught in church is bullshit.

In my experience, church is a place that you go to make friends. Yeah, you get taught some things and sing a few songs, but it's largely just a meet-up group with the common theme of religion. You can have faith if you want it, or you don't have to. You can make friends if you want, but you don't need to. There will be cliques, popular teachings, big things that are swept under the rug, drama, lies, dysfunction, abuse, and terrible damage inflicted on many.

There are lots of rules, but if you don't follow the rules you can just keep those a secret and ask forgiveness later (if you want). Sometimes there is even food. Read the book, don't read the book. Study on your own, or trust what the people talking at you say. None of it really matters because at the end of the hour and a half meeting, most of us are simply wiping drool from the corners of our mouths while rubbing sleep from our eyes or frantically scribbling down our to-do list that was bombarding our brains through the sermon. Others of us are being elbowed to bring us back from the 3 hour long day dream we just got lost in. (And yes, if you did the math, the time I allotted in this make-believe sermon was only 1.5 hours... Doesn't add up, does it? Exactly my point.)

You can feed me lines that we are humans leading humans by the leading of G-d and some other bunch of nonsense about how important church is, but I'll just get my eye roll exercises in for the week. Start spouting off the shitty cliches we learn in church about meaning, existence, purpose, forgiveness, and whatever else they've bombarded us with, and I will let you watch me walk away.



There has to be more than this. What is it?

I don't doubt that G-d is there, in control... somewhere. I believe the Bible and pray (sometimes). Maybe a lot of this stems from a struggle of faith right now. Perhaps the model of church that is causing such cynicism is something that I should be fighting against. Maybe I just despise the church that I've been going to for the past couple of weeks and I need to find a new one. Maybe I'm just hopeless in life and spirituality is one of the higher tiers of Maslow's hierarchy and it's not my foremost goal at the moment.

Who knows?! I just know that life largely sucks at the moment. It has for months now. I'm over it.

But I don't want to take meds.

In Seasons of Silence

It's been a real struggle for me to know whether I'm hearing the voice of G-d. I find it next to impossible to distinguish when the voice is mine or His.

I feel like I can hear Him at times, loud and clear. While other times He is a bit more faint, like a whisper's whisper. Then, still other times, it seems as though He peaces out and goes radio silent for weeks, or months! I often have themes, through the week, and sometimes that seems as though it's His planning. But other times, it seems as though these themes have nothing to do with Him, or they disappear all together.

Maybe I read too much into nothing. Maybe I'm so impatient that He is talking, but takes breaks. Maybe I'm not in the Word enough, not praying enough, not listening to Him enough. Maybe I'm crazy and none of this is right.

I Googled (I know, ridiculous) "how to know you're hearing G-d's voice. It brought up results with lists. You know the kinds of lists that say: "5 steps to know it's G-d" or "8 ways to prove it was Him talking to you" or whatever else. They're along those lines as: "7 simple steps to get your crush to fall in love with you" or "18.34 steps to make sure they're 'the one'".

The information in these lists were mostly correct, but so very basic. Make sure the voice is saying things that line up with scripture, ask your G-dly mentors if what was said sounds solid, etc. etc. etc.



I think the problem here is that I'm looking for some breakthrough from Google. I'm searching for some type of validation and awe-inspiring revelation from an internet browser that also provides people with search results for porn, drug deals, prostitution, gambling, clothing sales, and tech advice. In my defense, I tried going to the One who is supposed to provide the answers but if I can't hear His voice then how am I supposed to get an answer?

I don't know what I'm doing wrong or what I'm not doing. There was such a "breakthrough" and then nothing. Maybe I'm just trying to do too much on my own accord. Maybe I'm supposed to struggle for awhile. Maybe I've fallen out of G-d's will. Maybe I'm my own worst enemy or maybe, just maybe, I'm truly alone in this season.

Leadership

Whatever job you have, movies you watch, organization you belong to, or family you are in, there is a leader. Sometimes it's you. Sometimes the leader is someone else. Sometimes you share the responsibility or you lead while being under another person's guidance.

You get the point.

Today I started thinking about some stuff. I know, sketchy situation, but it happened.

I was Googling conferences and retreats to go to, when I started thinking about the various conferences and retreats I've been to.

There is a leader who has the idea. They enlist the help of others to help get this idea off the ground. Those people then begin to pick subjects, dates, locations, and the millions of other details that go into such an event. The speakers start to carefully choose the subject matter and words they want to use, and work it over and over until it's "just right".

All of this to say that I feel woefully unprepared to be a leader. I don't feel like I can be a leader for a bible study (the one that I am presently doing). Nor do I feel that I could lead at a church, or at work, or anywhere else. I feel unprepared and subpar.

The thing that I have learned about leaders is that they have often walked some rough roads and learned some really difficult lessons. This isn't always the case, but occurs often. Good leaders need to be able to listen to and respect those they are called to lead. This helps them to be effective and *usually* respected. Leaders typically have some type of wonderful lessons that they teach others, whether on purpose or inadvertently.

We look to leaders to know what to do. To burden the responsibility of decision making so that we can carry out orders without bad outcomes being our fault. We want reassurance or gentle guidance to help us in our quest to fulfill our goals. We want someone to give us tasks to complete in order to help us feel like we have purpose and meaning in what we are doing.

We want someone to have the idea, to carry out a great deal of legwork, and then to present to us an idea that is interesting to us, so that we can partake of the benefits. I do it. I want someone to research the things I am interested in, put it in a pleasing format, and then provide me with the invitation to decide whether I want to hear the info or not. (i.e. Invitations to conferences, with speakers talking on subjects they have studied for years that have piqued my interest. But I want the choice to say no.)



The problem here, and the reason I am writing this post is because I feel people keep shoving me into "leadership" kinds of positions. Sometimes I shove myself into said position. Sometimes there is just a huge push from others. Then, however, I get into said position and flounder. At which pint I get told that it was not the right time. It was too soon. It was wrong.

I know it's not good to simply do things because someone else is telling me to do it, but sometimes we are supposed to follow another person's guidance in order to start something.

I get frustrated because there are times when it seems G-d is calling me to do something. Without telling anyone else about this, I get a friend or family member who encourages me to do this something. So, I do it but it was wrong.

Then I'm left feeling like a fool. I want to climb in a hole, cry myself to sleep, and proceed to not have to wake up. Yeah, this is a bit dramatic for the minute-ness of the situation and I can see that. I also know that I'm not actually going to crawl in a hole and die. For some stupid reason, I keep waking up. Day after day, week after week, month after month. For YEARS. It hasn't stopped me in the last 24+ years. Sometimes I sleep the day away, but there are moments of being awake in there.

The shame of failures does not keep me from going on about my day. It doesn't keep me from talking to the family and friends who shame me, unnecessarily. It doesn't cause me to miss work, or to hide out in bed (unless I don't have anything scheduled that particular day.)



I am, by no means, a leader. I have no desire for the responsibility and I am woefully unprepared.

Somebody please remind me of this when I think to try some type of leadership role in the future. Be the one to save me from humiliation. Somebody be the one to snap me back to my senses and keep me from the pits of self-inflicted troubles. Good gosh, I'm a fool.

To Rest in the L-rd

Resting in the L-rd is such a personal thing. Nobody can tell you how to do it. It is necessary for growth, self-care, and improvement of oneself.

There are times in life where there is so much to do, that resting, let alone resting in the L-rd, gets shoved to the back burner. Then, there are times in life where that's all you have.

Personally, I feel I am in a season of rest. For a couple of months now, I have been trying to start a Bible study, attempting to volunteer, and find other ways to make myself busy. In the midst of it, I had a whisper that I'm supposed to just be. That I'm supposed to relax and take in a season of peace.

When I didn't know what that meant and continued to apply for other volunteer processes, G-d continued to suggest it to me in different ways. He kept my email inbox largely silent in regards to the Bible study and volunteer opportunities. He then allowed my mom to suggest that I need to enjoy a season of rest, and a couple of weeks later she reiterated it and told me she is taking a season of rest as well. Continue on to this week where I was lamenting my lack of social and volunteer opportunities to my counselor, and she reiterated the idea of a season of rest.

I don't know how to rest in the L-rd. I don't know what that looks like, probably because I never really have... minus maybe little retreats I've been on with my youth groups. I don't know how to be still and take in alone time with the Good L-rd. I get frustrated when I am told to sit and be quiet, feeling I have no purpose in the time I am still and waiting. I like having a mission, a purpose, a task to complete. A short time ago, G-d gave me instructions to share my story. I feel He proceeded to show me more ways that I could be of service to use my story to help others. I feel like He's given me a life mission, like He's given me a calling and a purpose and a goal to work towards.

Then, in the same breath, He tells me to wait and be still.

How do you do that?!? How do you get a picture of what you are supposed to do, and then get told to sit back and not do it. Don't work towards this picture you've been given. Don't start gathering research and don't start talking to people. Instead, just be. Just relax. Just breathe. Listen to the whisper that is so quiet I cannot hear it.

What am I supposed to do with that?

How does He expect me to get a mission, a battle plan, ideas of how to proceed, and then do nothing?

And how do I then get the mission to "rest in the L-rd" but do it without instructions as to how to rest in Him?

Christian Lingo

If you know of anyone who goes to church, I'm sure you are familiar with the Christian Lingo. Church-goers say things about "forgiveness", "redemption", "mercy", "grace", a "broken past", "difficult seasons", etc, etc, etc.

Now, G-d does do all of these things! However, it's a pet peeve of mine, when I go to church or a bible study, and these are the only words out of the person's mouth but they don't go into any of the nitty gritty stuff. They don't tell you what G-d brought them through, or forgave them from, or how He showed them mercy and grace. 

Is the Bible not made up of hundreds of stories? G-d doesn't just say "forgiven, mercy, redeemed, forgiven, blah, blah, blah," over and over again. He gives us examples! He gives us stories! He lets us see what thing happened, how He worked, and what the results were.

In this way, He helps give us examples of how life worked out for others and He talks on most life issues.

Recently, I went to a bible study where our guest speaker talked for 45 minutes without saying a thing. She repeated "love" and "redeemed" and "broken past" and the other few words in the list above over and over for 45 minutes. We periodically listened to a podcast that had more of the same and listened to a couple songs that, you guessed it, repeated the same words.

I left frustrated.

In the car, at 9:30 p.m., I called my mom for a debriefing on the way home because I was confused. In the process of my drive home, she and I hashed it all and I realized that I had heard nothing. Nothing of this teachers life, no stories, no meat and potatoes, no information whatsoever. It was like going to a mall and getting suckers into one of those kiosks in the middle where the salesperson will talk to you with the same 6 words over and over for 45 minutes and you feel like you've lost weeks of your life. There was no learning, no help, no encouragement because there was no substance.

Growing up, I experienced this many times. I think it's a large reason why people stop going to church, stop going to Bible studies, and stop trying to learn about the L-rd. Yes, it's hard to fight past the crap to be able to get to actual information that can be any type of help and can bring excitement to the learner. However, if you work to get to the interesting stuff, and keep fighting for learning worth while things, it is so worth it! There is such blessing to be discovered!

And, for those of you that fight to get to the meat and potatoes of the Word and of G-d's teachings, share that learning with others!!! We don't have to leave the teaching to pastors, t.v. teachers, and random preachers. Anyone who is willing to learn can be willing to share with others. Obviously, make sure that you are sharing truths only, but you could be responsible for helping keep another person from letting their faith fade because they don't have the energy to wade through the crap.

Keep on my friends.

I'll keep you posted with what it is that I'm learning. So far I've filled up almost 1/3 of a notebook in less than a week. So far I'm studying women in the bible and it is shocking how many of them experienced abuse, trauma, suffering, and other heartaches. It's shocking to me that these types of stories are not shared!!! Especially in a time when the #metoo movement is so prevalent and girls/women/everyone are looking for support and love through their journey to healing after trauma.

Overwhelmed

As you have read over the past several months, I have been feeling this call for me to begin sharing my story. I feel like I am meant to share bits of my story, in order to hopefully either prevent others from walking the same road I've walked, or to help others who are healing by walking along side them and being able to connect with them in that way. There are countless other ways that stories can be used, like showing G-d's great power and redemption and love for us... etc.

During this time, after G-d whispered that He wanted me to begin to share, I began "researching" what it meant to share a story... personal story... Trying to get a handle on what it would mean to share my story. After weeks of torturing myself and over-thinking things (I mean, I never do that... Ha, that's a joke, I'm a pro over-thinker!), I kinda just coasted and stopped my intensive search for understanding on this matter. When I began to forget about this mission G-d gave me, that's when He began bringing the answers to me instead of me going to find them!

Side note: it is important to seek answers. When G-d gives you a mission, ask Him how He wants you to fulfill it! It seems so simple, right? He wants you to do something, of course He'll know how you need to go about doing things to accomplish the task at hand. Now, while this is true, He won't always show/tell you what/how to do things right away. There may be days, weeks, months, or even years of waiting. The seasons of waiting are important, wonderful, and incredibly difficult oftentimes. This is where the true growth comes from. If G-d just gave you the end result without the suffering (my word, not His) in the middle, then where would we have chances to increase our faith and trust? When would we get a chance to hear Him in the whisper or watch Him part the Red Sea? If there is no time or chance for Him to work in our lives, how will we learn to recognize His hand at work? It's all about the process, not just about the goal and end. In the waiting, continue to seek Him, to ask Him about what it is you're supposed to be doing, and LISTEN! You have to remain active and don't just expect a miracle without putting in some sort of leg work and showing a little bit of faith.

For me, with my story, it was in the least expected ways that He began to weave the theme of "story" throughout my life for several weeks. In the bible study I was in, suddenly the whole bible study began discussing the importance of sharing your story and what it can show about G-d and how it can help others. I began another bible study with some ladies and the book was solely stories of some amazing women that have walked difficult roads (Surprised by the Healer by Linda Dillow and Juli Slattery). The bible study focused on our stories. I did not continue on with the study, but I appreciate where they are coming from and trying to accomplish. My group therapy is all about our stories! We have stories within our bigger picture story and us being able to connect within all of these layers. I was getting bombarded with these things from all angles for weeks and weeks!!!


Through all of this, I have been incredibly blessed by some stories, and incredibly taken aback by others. There are times where I can feel so bonded with certain people over the bits of their story that they share. Whereas other stories can build up walls and cause friction between friends. It's a fine line learning to share enough in vulnerability and sharing as a means of a verbal dumping (*aka: verbal diarrhea*). On the one had, vulnerability shows a place of growth, the beginning of healing, and an earnest desire for the person to move forward from that dark place. In the verbal dumping, the person cannot stop sharing. They tend to share far too many details, cannot and will not accept encouragement of gentle counseling related to the stories they share. This type of sharing is best done with a counselor because it is a form of processing where your mind and heart are still trying to simply remember the details and the person sharing is not really able to move forward from that place yet. Sharing in this was does not benefit the sharer nor the person listening because there is no lesson to be learned (on the surface), there is no help to be rendered, and there is not a desire or willingness to move on from simply remembering what has happened.

While sharing, even in this verbal dumping phase (can also occur via writing, L-rd knows y'all have read my verbal dumpings several times!), is important on the road to healing, it is a dangerous place to be. This place is an area that can continue to cause further hurt to the sharer because of a lack of boundaries. Lack of boundaries to know who to share these things with and who to keep these things from. There is a danger in sharing with others because the other person can become severely impacted by what they learn! These things can cause a sort of secondary trauma to the listener, if the listener is not legitimately and professionally trained. Due to the disparities of why things are dangerous to different parties involved, huge walls can be built. The listener will begin to back away, clam up, and have a difficult time being around the sharer. The sharer, sensing this, can begin to internalize this imposed isolation as being their fault and they may believe they deserve to be isolated because of the things they've experienced (I'm not speaking from experience or anything...). This can begin a terrible cycle of self sabotage and isolation when community can be so very healing.

However, like I said before, it's all a process. Without the trial and error of sharing ith the wrong people, how are you going to be able to test boundaries and learn what is okay to share, when is the right time, and who deserves to hear certain aspects of your story (and go slowly with the sharing!!!). There is beauty in the process, and great things to be gained from the suffering of going through it. Don't cause suffering trying to bring about the process of healing and learning these things. I assure you, the process will take place all without you forcing anything. But go about it prayerfully, and while listening to the L-rd. You guys know, that's a process unto itself.



While I was processing all of these things about story sharing, learning safe was to share and what it looks like to verbally dump, and beginning to understand why we need healing to be a process, I had an interesting theme come up.

I just so happened to be on the receiving end of my friend's story. I was attempting to lovingly counsel her in a strictly friendly way, using my tiny little bit of nursing counseling skills with my ability to comfort. However, despite whatever I said, or did to encourage her, or how I responded, none of it was to any use. She didn't accept comfort. She didn't want to be encouraged to change her life. She did not want any counsel, G-dly or otherwise. She didn't want anything but a listening ear, and I think that was even optional. What she needed, was to simply talk. This was a classic example of a verbal dump. My offered help was shot down, and none too lightly. She asked for advice and input, but would promptly refuse it.

Throughout all of this encouragement, counseling, listening, and attempt to help her solve the problems she asked for advice for, she kept saying she keeps asking for a miracle. She says things like: if only G-d would perform a miracle (and she gave specific examples of what she wanted the miracle[s] to be), then her life would be better. If only things happened the way she required, without her changing her life choices or lifestyle at all, then she would be able to believe in G-d and her life would be able to be turned around. She wants community, but doesn't want to wake up a little early to go to church, or take time to go to a bible study, or do anything to go an find people to add to her social circle. She wants to be married to a wonderful man, who is pure and kind and patient and gracious, but she does not want to give up the dating culture she has cultivated for herself. She wants a marriage, convinced that marriage will solve all of her problems and make her happier than she ever imagined, but she refuses to make steps to make herself marry-able, upstanding, desirable for a man who would be willing to settle down, and she refuses to make any lifestyle changes whatsoever.

As frustrating as this sounds, do we not all do it? If only G-d kept me from sexual abuse, terrible boyfriends, and gave me the husband/life I wanted when I wanted it, then my life would be better. If only He would bring a miracle about, then I would be able to change my heart and my life will follow. If only this had happened, then life could get better and I would be happy and there would be no further problems in my life.

Lies!

We all know G-d could perform a miracle and drop a guy into your lap and this guy could treat you like a queen. He could be pure and kind and gracious and forgiving and absolutely wonderful beyond belief! However, if you have not worked with the L-rd to fix your life, then don't expect it to be solved because home-boy is now in the picture. If you have unhealthy coping skills that are causing major problems in your life (i.e. drinking to deal with stress and bad days, smoking, sleeping with guys to feel better when you're feeling down, etc.), these things will only pop back up when you face those problems when within the marriage. Don't think those problems won't come back to bite you and when that happens, you will be highly likely to be tempted by your previous "coping skills". When tempted, if it has not been addressed and worked through (even if only partially) before the miracle marriage takes place, then there is a very slim chance that the habit will just have been broken by a marriage. And, when such a "coping skill" is reverted back to within a marriage, how wil that effect your spouse? If you cope with feeling bad about yourself by sleeping with the next guy that you think is cute and that feeds you some lines about how adorable you are, how will that (sex with another guy) effect your spouse and your marriage? This problem will come up again and just being married will not fix it nor will it automatically cause you to depend on your spouse for full validation for that problem.

Do you guys see what I'm saying?

Now, this is all fine and dandy, but I felt like G-d was saying something more about this. I still demand miracles sometimes. How dumb am I? I can't demand G-d to do anything! He'll just laugh at me and do whatever it is that He wanted to do anyway. All in a loving way, of course.

Upon further prayer and much thought, especially when in the shower and driving, it occurred to me that most miracles occurred after some sort of step of faith. Ruth followed Naomi to Naomi's home country before she (Ruth) was given opportunities to get to know Boaz before they married. The Israelites walked to the Red Sea and just kept walking into it as G-d worked to part the waters. Likewise, those carrying the Ark of the Covenant walked into the river (Jordan River?) as G-d stopped up the river and allowed His people to cross over into Canaan. Esther went to the king, without a summoning by him, in a step of faith to protect her people from Haman, when she knew good and well that she could be walking to her death. How many countless other miracles requires some sort of step of faith?!? I could go on for days!!! Of course, there are always exceptions and situations where this is not seen, but it seems to be a pattern that some sort of faith needs to be shown so that faith can be stretched and grown!



I believe that me being here is a miracle. There are too many instances in my story where I could have died at the hands of others, or by circumstances I inflicted upon myself. L-rd knows I tried hard enough, several times, to simply be rid of the world. I could be stuck in anger and denial at what has happened to me, but G-d has shown me grace beyond measures and more love than ever imaginable. Because of this, He has allowed my story to continue on towards healing, instead of Hm allowing me to be stuck in the trauma. He brought me from dumping, to sharing and walking with others. That certainly does not happen for everyone. I want to continue to see the miracles He works in my life and I cannot wait to see all that He redeems in my story, so I will continue to walk in faith. Right now, this means potentially beginning a bible study and organizing women to come and walk alongside each other. I see miracles every day, and my faith grows with each of these instances.

I am blessed beyond measure.



With much love, continue on towards your miracles my friends,
BA

Heaping Scoop of Dissappointment

I applied to graduate school for Nurse Midwifery to a campus that is a sister school to my alma mater. I thought it would be amazing! Go to school and graduate somewhere that is in the same school network... go do clinicals up where my parents live so I can just live with them... everything will be wonderful!

Well, I submitted my application and waited. One day, there in my email box, was an email inviting me to an interview day. Yes, they made a whole blessed day out of it. 8-4, there were 2 interviews (with all 16 of the faculty for the program), seminars from: current students, faculty from your specific specialty (there were other nurse practitioner applicants there too and they split us all up), financial aid, and several other people. Then, at the very end of the day, I had to write an essay! *sigh*

Then, I wait. Wait for their decision. Wait in hopes that I get in. Wait in trepidation that I wasn't what they were looking for, even though I was supposedly chosen out of hundreds of other applicants for this interview day.

This morning, after night shift, I got the call that I didn't get in. It's a bummer.

I called my mom and told her, but not with any more emotion than could be mustered to just state it matter-of-factly. She encouraged me that whatever the L-rd wants to have happen, will happen. "Maybe there are trips or something else you need to be available for," she suggested, in true Mom fashion. "Yeah," was all I could respond.

While I am not at the point of tears (because I believe my give-a-damn was broken with the trauma), I am disappointed. This was my first choice of schools. I have had so many other people apply to graduate school around me, and several of them were accepted to several schools on the first try! I keep hoping that they will email me back and tell me that the first email was a mistake and that I was actually accepted, but that longing seems to be more of the bargaining stage in my journey to acceptance.

It's funny because about a week ago, my mom met this lady who's daughter is one of the faculty members for the nurse-midwifery program at the university I wanted to attend. They got to talking and the lady gave my mom this faculty member's email and encouraged me to reach out to her. So, I emailed the lady, saying that "my mom met your mom and they wanted me to email you" but she never responded. It is awkward to begin with, but worse now that I know I wasn't accepted.

I don't really want to wait until next year to begin school, only because I wanted to graduate 2020 to keep my high school graduation (2012) even with my college graduation (2016) then grad school to be finished in 2020. How pretty is that?! Alas, it doesn't seem like it will happen. Plus, I want to get married and start a family at some point. I was really hoping to graduate and be settled before this happens.

Only the L-rd knows why things happen the way that they do. All I can do is pray and follow His lead.



In less painful news, I quit my position at the NICU. For those of you that haven't read all of my happenings; I was working NICU and L&D, for several months now. When I first moved back here, I was hired for L&D, but there was no position open. I know what you are thinking, why hire somebody for a position that is not open?! Yeah, I'm not sure. Regardless, the managers of L&D decided that they still wanted me, but bargained with me that I could be hired and would need to work Mom/Baby while waiting for an L&D position to open up.

I was so torn. I had had offers for several NICU positions around the state. I didn't want to give up my critical care specialty for anything other than a position that would be able to further my career. As such, I bargained with that manager, and the NICU manager that offered me a position at a level 3 NICU at the same time. I got both managers agree to let me work both jobs at the same time, with working part-time at both places. They both agreed, and both agreed to be "flexible" with my scheduling to assist me with this endeavor.

Fast-forward about a month and a half into working NICU: I have already had several scheduling problems with NICU because the people in charge of scheduling will not email me back after several weeks! My manager called me to yell at me, and I stood my ground. I gave her evidence and explained to her the many, many ways I had tried to resolve the issue, with no success. HR had emailed about how the unit could be improved and I responded with several pages worth of diplomatically worded suggestions. Spoiler alert: none of those changes were made. Shocker, I know. Continue on in my journey there, and I find out about legal actions being taken, they refuse to train me to the level 3 kids (even though I have level 3 experience and they begin training those hired after me to train to the critical kids before me), they continue to con me into working day shift holidays where I am losing time with my family as well as night shift differential. The list goes on!

The reason I stayed so long, is that I thought I needed to work NICU for 2 years before I could get my critical care nurse certification (RNC). About 4 days ago, I was reading over the requirements again, and I discovered I needed 2 years as an RN, but only some of my career needed to be in NICU!!! WHAT A WONDERFUL DISCOVERY!!!

I learned this little tidbit, while I was working L&D and I was nearly singing and dancing in the halls! I told everyone of my coworkers about it!!! Suddenly, my decision was clear: quit NICU. Life is too short to be dreading every. single. shift. Work is not the end-all-be-all of life. We work to be able to afford fun things, trips, food, etc. I don't need to sustain this life of being miserable at a work where management does not treat me well, my license is not safe to practice there, I don't agree with their practices, they continually screw me out of pay while requiring more and more from me, and day-shift (plus many night-shifters) are rude and miserable there as well!

So I quit. Then, I worked an L&D shift and they all celebrated with me. Such joy from my coworkers! They shared how glad they were that I am there. They fought over keeping me on their pod (we have 2 with a little hallway in between). The patients are communicated the same information from everybody, so they are grateful and understanding of the care they receive. (NICU nurses at the other place were regularly told different things from each nurse/nurse practitioner/doctor they encountered because there are no protocols and everybody practices based on how they were trained somewhere else.) While there are still people that I clash with in L&D, we are largely coherent on night shift, and even several of day shift people. They encourage my sarcastic jokes, dark humor, and general personality quirks. They like my hard-work and how much I try to help my patients through labor and delivery. They like that I do my best to continually learn and improve and help others when I can. They understand me better.

I like it here.

Trial and Error

Ugh, the amount of high's and low's I experience per shift in L&D has given me a terrible case of whip lash. One shift goes great, while the very next night is absolute hell and I can't seem to do anything right.

Last night's shift was a crazy combination of both.

I admitted a patient who was there for an elective induction, but did not want any of the meds to get labor started...

Then I immediately got another pt who needed an epidural pronto and then her blood pressures bottomed out and she went from a 5 to a 10 and delivered in 1.5 hours.

About 3 hours after the delivery, as I was getting caught up on charting, my preceptor came to me and asked if I minded taking ice water into the delivered patient, and asking what they decided to name the baby since they had waited until after the birth to pick a name. I went in, asked what the name was and you know what? They named their baby after me! I was with them for a total of maybe 5 hours, missed her whole recovery because of my other pt, and they honored me by naming their baby after me. Yes, I happy cried and teared up in the room. I don't think I have ever been so honored by anyone, let alone someone that I barely knew.

I came out and sat down to chart when my other pt pressed her call light. I went in and she said she thought her water broke. Okay, so normally we are supposed to check them when that happens so that I could report to the doctor. Well, this particular doctor was planning to come in and check her and break her water about 30 minutes after when she SROM'd. So, I figured I would check her (as normal) and go let him know. Well, I got REAMED for that because apparently he likes to check his own patients when he is at the hospital. I had been told this at the beginning of my orientation, but I am still in the task-oriented phase of learning and I did what would normally be done.

I'm trying to let it roll off my shoulders and just learn for next time, but it's still frustrating to me that we bend over backwards for doctors, and yet they yell at us for something so small as a preference. Nobody was hurt, nothing bad happened, and it didn't change the course of treatment at all...

I will do it differently next time. I will do my best to remember the little nuances and remember every doctor's preferences as best I can... but I'm still going to complain about the way that we are chewed out for stupid shit every day, just because the doctor is having a bad day or likes some random things done a very specific way.



Deep breaths. He'll be mad at me for the next several weeks and I will have months of proving myself to him and the other doctors. I hate this part, but I am also the most motivated when I feel like people are expecting me to fail, so I guess we'll see how it goes. L-rd willing, I don't struggle too bad.

Utterly Exhausted

For those of you that don't know, I am currently in the process of orienting to 2 hospitals. 1 hospital, I interviewed for L&D but got told that I would need to work Mom/Baby for awhile. The other hospital was scheduled for an interview the day I got the Mom/Baby offer, and that was for the NICU. Me, being my greedy self of not being able to see myself stay in Mom/Baby with no NICU baby interaction, I decided to propose working part-time at both places to the managers. Well... they accepted that bargain.

The manager for Mom/Baby told me I would work in that department for a year before being able to switch over, I told her that was absolutely too long. She countered with saying it might just be a few months (like 3-6ish months). This didn't sound great, but it sounded do-able with me also keeping my NICU critical care skills up to par.

Well, Tomorrow is finally my last day of charting class, a.k.a. my last orientation piece before going to total floor orientation. I can do floor orientation all the day long! It's the classroom nonsense that'll kill ya... slowly...

Well, I went to talk with my Mom/Baby manager about some scheduling troubles, and she offered me a L&D position, starting at the end of the month!!! OH. MY. GOSH!!! Thing is, it'll be full time instead of part time. My insurance is through the other hospital, and I can't leave the NICU, I just can't. So, am I crazy for thinking I can do 5 days a week between 2 critical care areas? Plus, the on-call shifts taking me up to 6-7 days each week!

I'm sustaining this crazy 6 days a week schedule right now, but I'm working days. I already know that working nights is a much bigger challenge when working so many "days" (shifts) in a row. That messed up circadian rhythm will actually slowly start to kill you.

I just don't know if I can do it. But I sure want to try it for awhile. Worst case scenario is that I go to PRN for NICU and keep full-time with L&D. Plus, I don't have on-call days for L&D until I complete the 3+ months of training required to begin in L&D. So, that helps for a few months to get my feet under me and my schedule ironed out a little bit.

I guess we'll see how it goes when I talk to the Mom/Baby slash L&D manager on Tuesday. She seems pretty excited to get me over to training in the field I actually wanted to be in an originally interviewed for. She actually took a similar road to me and started in Peds/PICU and transferred to L&D, but she worked both jobs at the same time for about a year or so! I think she liked that I was trying to do that and she understands the whole process and desire to do that "double specialty" type of nursing. It's like double majoring in college, except everybody thinks you're insane and you get even less sleep.



Problem is, I've been trying to find a house to rent so I can bring my dog with me. I would also need a roommate (or 2), so that my dog would have a friend while I'm working. She is currently staying with a friend of my mom's, who has another dog. This lady takes my dog for walks with her dog every day. She has a roommate that is home most of the time, except for maybe 3 hours a week (it seems like anyway, he doesn't work I don't think...). So, my dog has friends and another dog to hang out with all the time! Sometimes she even gets to go on a "field trip" to the lady's son's office because he owns his own business and hardly has customers to the office, he mostly goes out to remote locations for quotes and stuff.

So she has a really good set-up, compared to living with a night-shift nurse, who's exceedingly lazy on her days off and doesn't even get to play with her dog because she's too tired. I really feel like the worst puppy mom in the world! But I also feel terrible for leaving her at another person's house because I don't want her to feel abandoned. She gets so excited when we come to visit her! And then she goes into a depression when we leave again!!! It's too much for me to handle.

Times like these, I start to get upset that my parents aren't living together and able to house her and my brother. I get it, they were having lots of problems and it's not economical to afford a house with a backyard, just for the dog. But still, she's my dog. I picked her out, I have cared for her. She's been my best buddy since I was about 10 and I'm now 23 1/2.



I guess I'll talk it over with the lady keeping her, and I'll try to work it out with all of my managers to see what will happen. Mostly, it's a wait-and-see type of situation. The lady keeping my dog says she loves having my dog with her dog and it's not much different than her normal routine to have an extra puppy around. Plus, she appreciates the extra money every month. My current living situation is wonderful and is great while I am working so many crazy hours, and I don't have to do much since I have a roommate that does most everything around his house.



My heart says YES!!! My brain says I could probably make it work, but I'll be beyond exhausted, but I need the experience and my resume will be beyond great! My body says are you insane? I'm barely running as it is, AND WE'RE ON DAYS!!! So, mostly, I'm leaning towards the hard YES!!!!!!!!!!! But I'll talk with my manager Tuesday and discuss it a bit more.






Time to go pray! This will be quite the interesting adventure, should I choose to embark.

Mass Migration

Maybe it's just summer coming to a close and people are trying to move, in between school years and vacations. Maybe it's just because I perceive things that aren't actually there. Who knows? But it seems as though there is a mass migration of people to Home State. Everybody is snatching up all of the houses for rent in Home Town and College Town and I have no hope. I have been house hunting for over 2 months and cannot pin down a blessed place!!!

Best Friend has been going back and forth between wanting to live with me, and deciding that's a bad idea since I told him I might be moving back here. Once I finally started applying to jobs here, he suggested we go ahead and live together. Once I got the job, however, he told me he couldn't live with me because he didn't want to "fall in love with me". So I got frustrated with the fact that I had a housing situation partially set up, then he bailed.

I have been actively online and physically searching for a house since I got back to Home State. I set up my budget and got everything lined out to try to afford the inflated prices of this terrible town by myself.

Sunday night Best Friend texted me saying he decided he wanted to live with me after all. He told me to cancel all of the meetings I had to see other housing arrangements so that we could go see houses together. I told him I would not cancel those meetings because I had been working for months to secure any kind of a house visitation that didn't get rented before I even showed up the next day. He started searching for houses and it became apparent, really quickly, that we needed: opposite sides of town, different needs for our dogs, and had vastly different budgets. I kept poking holes in the houses he sent me, because they would not work. He kept sending me houses that I knew had already been rented because I had seen them weeks ago and called on them already. He didn't believe me, called them, and got angry when the house manager confirmed that those houses had already been rented. I don't know why he wouldn't believe me on these things, but he didn't. We looked for houses online for about 3 days, I called most of them because he was at work, and at the end of the 3 days I was so frustrated and upset that I finally called the whole thing off.

However, I had already cancelled one of my meetings to rent a room from a friend who bought a house last summer. I texted that friend and told him I was thinking of trying to find a place with a friend so as not to put him out. He told me it wouldn't be a bother, and he wished me well anyway. He and I have planned to hang out at some point this week, after my orientation days, so I'm sure he will ask about my housing situation then and I can bring it up again. I don't know how that will go though.

All I need is a room to rent so I can sleep!!! I won't hardly ever be there because I'm going to be working 6 days a week!!!

I've prayed and asked the L-rd for help, knowing that He doesn't make a major move until last minute. I don't appreciate the last minute move, but I've seen Him work enough miracles, and test my faith enough that I can suspect this may be what He's doing again. The struggle it is to be me with my faith being tested on a daily basis!!!

I'm glad I stayed true to my boundaries with Best Friend though.

Guys, I need a house for my dog and I!!! I need for everyone in the world to not be moving here and driving prices up while taking all of our jobs and houses!!! I need just a little peace in this whole whirlwind of a seemingly foolish choice. G-d wouldn't have made the move so easy, and allowed me to get 2 part-time jobs so easily without it being His will, would He? When I'm working against G-d there is normally impossible hurdles to overcome and many obstacles to let me know it is not His will. Getting here, being let out of my lease, quitting my job; all of those came easily. Obtaining 2 new jobs with kind managers that allow me to work both places happened easily too. Why can I not find a house? A simple place to sleep for my dog and I? Somewhere where I won't have to drive 2 hours in traffic to get to work and get home from work.

Folks, that's right, I am now driving 2 hours, IN TRAFFIC, to get to work and home from work. I can't be doing that when I begin the full-time floor orientation hours! I don't get enough sleep after a 12 hour shift as it is, no way I could manage working 6 twelve's and still manage to drive 4 hours every day in RUSH HOUR traffic!!!!!

What was I thinking to move back here? I'm such a fool. How is it that G-d is going to use this for His good? How is it that this is just a faith test and everything will work out soon. Will it work out soon?

I miss my friends. I miss my dog (who's staying at my mom's friend's house). I miss my babies and watching them grow up. I miss Small Town, and the small life I built there.

Just as I miss so many things, I don't miss many others; the workplace bullying, constant stress at work from coworkers and lack of management of our unit, the stress of having doctors yell at us constantly, worrying about being 8 hours away from my family all the time, Mema being upset with me all the time and going through her bipolar emotional waves, not being able to see my mom, frustrated with the lack of support and technology at work to help me take care of my babies. Some of these problems will be present wherever I go, but many of them are never as bad as they were in Small Town because Small Town people have never experienced anything other than nurses eating their young, emotional blowouts and yelling matches on the unit where people are expected to deal with it or literally move units, and various other unacceptable things that are not allowed in bigger town hospitals. I'm excited to see what it's like working in the hospitals I did my clinicals at, to see how patient care and employee relationships differ from the nonsense that took place in Small Town. I'm also interested to see how doctors treat the nurses, after being in constant fear of being yelled at by the doctors and practitioners in my first unit. this will all be very interesting, for sure.




Guys, if you happen to think of me during your times of prayer, maybe help me in petitioning G-d for a solid roommate situation or a good house for low rent. I'm really needing some help. Also, if you could maybe think to ask for me to move from Mom/Baby into L&D real quick too, that would be wonderful.

Bless you all and I hope y'all's summers are more relaxing and less chaotic than mine!

Rebuilding Life

As I've had the past couple weeks "off", I have noted that the month of June/July is not a good month for me as far as life/working goes. For the past several years, this has been a time of the year where I am trying to start jobs, find housing, and otherwise "homeless" and bouncing between both of my parent's houses.

Both orientations are proving to be a bigger pain in the a$$ than initially expected. Between both hospital's HR people contacting me, educators calling, appointments for paperwork and health screenings, and the slew of other things I have to get done while living an hour and a half away from where I need to be, I'm frustrated. Just breathe. I know that everything will get done and even if I was only trying to figure out this process for one hospital, it would still be annoying. It'll get done soon, I'm just looking forward to being done with hospital orientations and floor orientations, so I can just start working.

Praise the L-rd I've got decent amounts of experience in NICU and some post partum/baby experience. Hopefully I get to learn some new valuable things during orientation!!!

I'll be going through the same charting class twice in the next couple of weeks, and it's a class I went through 2-3 times throughout nursing school. I should be working directly for the company by this point, but that didn't seem to happen.

No housing has become available in order for me to be able to move down to College town anytime soon. Maybe it's because I sound like a child on the phone? Maybe it's because everybody and their cousin is moving to this damn state and snatching up any hopes of having a house I had. House prices are skyrocketing, rent prices are ridiculous, new houses are being built all over the place, and I predict another economy crash here in the near future. I can see the crash of 2008 happening again... soon. Until then, I'll be trying to find a place for me and the puppy to live.

This baby nurse is struggling.



How is your guys' summer shaping up?

Last Days

I resigned from my NICU job here in Small Town and have gotten several offers in College Town. So, it appears as though I'm moving back to that dreadful city. I tried to work closer to my parents so that I could live with them, but they took forever to get back to me, jobs are still pending review. Meanwhile, I have had several decent job offers in College Town and so now I'm looking at houses there.

This is exhausting. I've cried more in the past two weeks than I have my year here. I thought I was sick of this place and that it would be easy to leave, but nobody makes you feel more appreciated than when they know you are for sure leaving. Nurses and practitioners that used to get mad at me for small mistakes in critical situations (that didn't effect the outcome, nor did they really matter they are just their preferences), were all hugging me and telling me that I was a great nurse.

T hat got me thinking that so much of our identity at the hospital is simply being a "good nurse", "good CNA", "good doctor", or "good _________". Fill in the blank with whatever your title is and that's your new identity as a person within those walls. It's a difficult thing to be seen as your job title instead of as you as a person, but I guess that's all they know me as.  Many of the night shifters have expressed how much they'll miss me, so that was really nice. I signed off with my parents for the last time and told them to keep in touch on our NICU Facebook page. I've cried, hugged more people than I thought possible, and I was blessed to be able to run into most everyone I wanted to say goodbye to and found the rest on Facebook.

My last week at work was wonderful. I got to do all of my favorite things, say goodbye to mass amounts of people, and my unit threw me a going away party. I felt so special and so loved. G-d orchestrated the night to let me help with breastfeeding, let parents give a bath to a little baby that dad hadn't gotten to help bathe before, I went on a delivery, got to visit with the L&D, postpartum, newborn nursery, and women's center ladies. I also got to snuggle all of my favorite little babies that are on the unit. It's crazy to think of how much I've learned this last year to be able to help teach our newer nurses some of the skills they haven't done yet. I've started to realize how much extra they taught me because I was asking to learn and do more. My charge nurse that let me have that 1:1 baby that ended up dying really took me under her wing and tried to get me as much experience as possible.

I'm going to miss our people, our babies, and this town. I've really enjoyed living here and have just now gotten to the point of having friends (because they are new and actually go do stuff with me). This decision was so difficult and going through with the move is crazy difficult. However, the pro con list is sufficient enough to sway me to try another beginning closer to my family. Mostly, the decision has come down to grandpa just having a few months because he's been doing so poorly, and my grandmother being overbearing. I love her, but I definitely need boundaries and to be allowed to be an independent adult. Now I'm off to learn all the doctors and nurse practitioners at new hospitals. I am looking for a house when I didn't think I would have to move for another year. I am moving back to College Town when I swore I would never do so because of the past I left behind there. I am praying that I don't run into the guys or their families. I am also praying that as I try to incorporate myself into new units, that I am accepted, make friends, and that I'm able to keep up with the 2 part-time jobs that I've chosen so that I can work towards L&D experience, while not losing my NICU skills and the baby snuggles I've come so accustomed to. I was so excited and happy to move down here and it's so difficult to leave.

I pray the L-rd guide me, protect me, and cover me with his grace. This is a scary road, and I hope it gets me closer to the goals I have for myself and ultimately the plans G-d has for me.

On the bright side, I've tried many of the churches there, have my couple of favorites, I know the good and bad areas of town to live in, and have some friends there. It's not going to be completely new and scary. I just need a security system with cameras, a new face and name, and now furniture because I sold all mine! It'll be nice to move somewhere and have a basis of living there, a basis of my job duties and skills, and a slight social circle. I'm terrified of the flashbacks and nightmares that have already started and of running into the guys and their families. Exboyfriend's sister works on the floor that I will be starting to work in the NICU at and that terrifies me. She didn't like me before and she sure as hell won't like me now that I've submitted police reports and sexual assault allegations against her brother. I'm praying she got a new job somewhere else and that I will never see her. I don't know what I would do if I ever did run into her and I'm seriously considering using a nickname while I'm working there. I pray the Good L-rd wipes her memory of me and that I'm just some new person on the floor.

One of Those Days

Today is just one of those days.

I woke up at 7 a.m. because I had an appointment to take my car in to the shop because I had taken on some water in my transmission due to some flooding a few weeks ago. I show up and they tell me they might not get to see my car until after noon. Then what's the point of an appointment?!?

I dropped it off because I need it fixed, they shuttled me home. Then called because they had failed to let me know it would cost $52 just to "look" at the car due to the fact that it's making a weird sound. Well, you just dropped me off with no transportation, so I guess it's okay to do that.

Fast-forward to them texting me at their closing time: They texted that they have an estimate on my car and to call them back. I called back and they apologized, because they had sent that text prematurely. I can feel my blood pressure rising. I called my dad to ask if it's worth it to let them keep my car to work on it and in the process of talking with dad, I went ahead and decided to call the mechanics back and tell them to just let me have my car back. So I call back and ask if they have already seen it, due to the conflicting messages I have received thus far. I got a few mixed messages with roundabout explanations, all of which tells me nothing!

So, I called Mema and asked her to drive me to the mechanics at 7 a.m. tomorrow morning to get my car back. I'm more than a little irritated.

Now, a good chunk of irritation began because of one of my "job offers" calling back and demanding an answer today. I interviewed with them yesterday and they immediately told me they would love for me to work with them. It was PRN but they were considering hiring me part time, if I would be willing to cross-train and work postpartum. Well, the recruiter called today, with my offer, and after hearing it I let her know that the job is concerning to me. I am afraid of losing my critical care nursing skills if they keep sending me over to postpartum. I told her that I would consider working full time for that hospital if they would let me train in labor and delivery, but she told me they have no openings. She then asked if I had interviewed for labor and delivery and which location. To which, I stupidly replied that I had interviewed at another hospital system for L&D. I have until Thursday to think about it and get back to her. I would be more than willing to work PRN in the NICU, but why are all of these hospitals trying to get me to train on postpartum??? It's really irritating. Once I show on my resume that I had a year of NICU, then went to PP, nobody will want me back in the NICU and they won't want me anywhere besides maybe med/surg because that's essentially what Mom/Baby (aka postpartum) is!



All I want to do is eat chinese food and the chinese restaurant I found that delivers in this ridiculous town has 2 phone numbers and neither one of them work. They don't even ring through to anything.



My gums over my wisdom teeth have been swollen for a couple weeks. I'm essentially a teething adult. I can feel my teeth being more exposed now than they were a couple weeks ago. Thing is, I can't eat because my gums/teeth hurt so bad because they are pointed sideways and smooshing my other teeth closer and closer together as they come to the surface. If only the pain would keep me from eating, then maybe I could lose some of the 15 pounds I've gained since moving here.



I give up. I'm gonna go take a nap. I've slept away an entire year because I sleep when stressed/tired/bored/lonely. I'm 23 and don't even know how I got here because I have slept away this last year and the year before I was sleeping when not at work/at school.


The struggles are real today. I need some serious prayer, even more serious Divine Interventions, and some sort of stress relief would be great too. Maybe I'll go cry, that's good stress relief.

The Trainwreck of Family

This is a post dedicated to grandma... Oh. My. Gosh.

Keep in mind that grandma and Mema are different people. Grandma has narcissistic personality disorder, or the evilest degree. She does things to spite people and really helped me through my Mental Health rotations because I got to diagnose her from the DSM-V, see all of the real-world manifestations of the symptoms, and now I get to watch legit crazy unfold before me without having to take care of it.

Grandma ended up falling out of bed while my grandpa's sister was in town. Now, this would probably not be a huge deal normally, but she's a few hundred pounds and barely able to walk when she feels better. Mostly she depends on places having wheel chairs and makes my grandpa (who is a cancer patient and on chemo) wheel her around and carry her bags. Are you fucking kidding me???!!!??? Let's shy away from that, though.

She fell out of bed and tried to get my uncle and grandpa to get her up. Well, they couldn't do it so my grandpa's sister called the fire department (against grandma's wishes because their house needs to be condemned). 4 firefighters couldn't get her up, so they slid her on a fancy air mattress (like what we use in the hospital to transport patients) and got her to the stairs. She ended up in the hospital via 9-1-1 a couple days later.

Dude, she almost got fired from being a patient for being so mean and combative!!! She was in restraints and everything! The doctor threatened to discharge her and let her figure out how to get home and how to care for herself. She ended up staying in there for a few more days, so we tried to get a better psych consult but they say we can't ask for that because we were not put as her POA (power of attorney). Couldn't you do it because she's already shown herself to be bat shit crazy in the first 2 seconds she was there? C'mon?!?

She ended up getting discharge home after about 4 days in the hospital. She was sent home with nobody to care for her, home oxygen, and meals on wheels. She's got CHF, COPD, morbid obesity, and she is less mobile than when she went to the hospital. I don't understand how they thought that would be okay. The hospitals in Home Town have consistently let us down when it comes to care and discharge of my grandparents and I'm getting more and more frustrated with the medical care that patients receive. I hate that in nursing school we are taught about all of the resources and help available to people, but there's nothing in the real world. NOTHING!

Grandpa was sent home after account after account of abuse and lack of people to be able to care for him. Grandpa was sent home with nothing. Grandma was sent home after it was proven that she can't survive at home! She needs equipment to get her up, help with the bathroom, assistance to shower, and tons of other help. She was sent home with nothing, even though she actually needs to be admitted to a nursing home.

What are ya gonna do? She has freewill and the right to deny nursing home care. The social workers are doing nothing to help grandpa minus a brief home visit 2 weeks after his discharge to prove that he was not able to go up the stairs to get to bed. That visit did nothing. She was also supposed to see that there is one working bathroom in the whole blessed house, human feces covering said bathroom, no working fridge/freezer, lack of driving abilities on grandma's part, and grandpa can't drive because of his seizure meds. None of this was assessed and we specifically laid out concerns point by point. It's enough to make you want to bang your head against a wall or walk on shoes of legos where all of the pointy edges dig into your feet with every step.

G-d is working everything out though. Do you remember how I told you that grandma stole grandpa's phone and routed all of his calls to her phone? Well, while she was in the hospital, grandpa went in and asked for his phone and credit cards back (she had also stolen his wallet). My aunt (my mom's sister) went into grandpa's phone and undid grandma's little move to forward his calls to her phone. Grandpa also expressed his need to get his will situated, look at his bank account, and started asking how much longer he has to live. All of these things were things he didn't want to do with grandma there because she has been known to steal from people, especially if they are fixin' to die or newly dead. My great grandpa stayed dead in his house for a couple of days before grandma (who found her dad dead) called 9-1-1 about finding him dead, so that she could go through his house and take what money and valuables she could find before her two siblings found out he had passed away.

You can't make this shit up.

We think she forwarded the calls from grandpa's phone to hers in order to screen his doctor calls and bank calls. We think she was also stealing his money, thus the taking his cards and forwarding his calls... As far as screening doctor calls, that's so that she can be in control of what we, as the family, get told. When grandpa was initially admitted into the hospital, she told us he was in the ICU and intubated and fixing to die. That was a huge ass lie. He was confused and slightly sedated at first, but it only lasted a night or two before he came around to being his normal, cute little self. I don't know why she lied like that, but she does it regularly. She doesn't even lie about big stuff every once in awhile, she lies every single time she opens her mouth. She lies about stuff that happened 10 minutes ago that I was witness to and know what actually happened. I'm talking bat-shit crazy, people!!!

This is legit family drama and it all happened over the course of this last week (except grandpa going into the hospital, that was a couple months ago). Since grandpa's hospitalization, grandma just gets worse and worse with her schemes and evil shenanigans.

Moving Prematurely

Seeing as I have been driving back to Home State every chance I get since Grandpa's been diagnosed with cancer, I have decided to go ahead and move back. This seemed like a great idea until I started telling my fellow coworkers and it turns out they are slightly attached to me.

I have heard "we're gonna miss you" and "you are one of the best ones!" from nearly every nurse except the Charge nurse that doesn't like me and her minion. But people that I was convinced were either indifferent or didn't like me, are coming out of the woodworks and giving me hugs, telling me they are sad to see me go. It's kind of nice, but does it kill ya to tell people this before they get to the point of leaving??? I tell people on a regular basis, but that's just me. I have made friends with nurses and staff from other floors, people that work in the cafeteria, and our sweet house keepers that come through the unit several times a night. My Aunt/boss told me that the hospital is losing a great nurse, granted she's family and I am willing to float to any unit she asks me to go to where other staff complains and flat out refuses to go. They don't even know how spoiled they are, most hospitals won't let you refuse and might even write you up for non-compliance.

I have been applying to EVERY BLESSED HOSPITAL in the entire Big City of Home State. Unfortunately, I could work all 7 nights with increased pay plus differentials and still not be able to afford living on my own. As such, I am going to be bouncing between Dad's couch and Mom's RV... Or moving back to College Town, which I don't want to do, because exboyfriend/exfiance would end up finding me. Add that to the fact that 1 out of 2 L&D/NICU units in College Town is the employer of exboyfriend's mean sister. Actually, if you recall, that is how I first met her, I covered her shift for 2 hours and by the time she came in, exboyfriend had called her and let her know it was me. I so wanted to work there too. College Town would be a great place to get both L&D experience and NICU experience at the same time, and I could work for both hospitals systems with no problems and short commutes. THIS IS WHY YOU NEVER DATE IN A SMALL TOWN!!! IT RUINS ANY CHANCES OF A FUTURE, WITHOUT YOUR PAST COMING UP ON A DAILY BASIS.

I had an interview today. It was just a phone interview, but the lady totally forgot about me. I ended up calling the recruiter an hour after the call was supposed to have taken place, then the DON and manager called me real quick and did a quick interview. They apologized up and down, and I wasn't too concerned until talking to my preceptor/mentor/charge nurse tonight. She mentioned that if they forget about interviews, it might be a sign of how the unit is run. I'm disappointed with the interview. I was pumped for it, at first. It seemed like a great place, super close to Mom's house, which is rare in Big City where I will have to drive 30 minutes in ridiculous traffic to get to any other hospital, this place was 10 minutes down one major street. In the interview, they let me know it's a level IIIB NICU with 17 beds and they ship many of their sick babies to one of the "nearby" level IV NICU's. 1) I'm coming from a 20/21 bed NICU with a max of 3 babies to 1 nurse. This hospital has 3-4 babies to 1 nurse and still does paper charting!!! What the hell is that? I thought Small Town Hospital was behind the times for having paper orders at the bedside, an old electronic charting system, and sending out kids that need anything more than a oscillator. Ugh, paper charting??? WHY???!!!???

Not to toot my own horn, but they seemed pretty excited about me. They started the interview asking if I'm willing to work overtime on short notice and they ended with asking if I would be willing to do a peer Skype interview. I am moving to a big city with hopes and plans of working in a more acute NICU where I can actually grow my knowledge base, not go backwards in my learning just because we ship all of the sick kids to a sister hospital 20 minutes away. LET ME WORK AT THAT HOSPITAL!!! Maybe I will call the recruiter back and ask about getting an interview there.

I still have to talk to my landlord about getting out of my 2 year lease early, and I'll have to pay back my "bonus". Praise the L-rd I still have it and can give it back no problem. Also, Praise the L-rd I've been saving all of the money I have been getting from overtime! My paychecks have been so meager with all of my call-offs and only getting PTO with no differentials. I get about $5-7 an hour extra in differentials depending on if I get to work weekends or not. I am so grateful I have saved my PTO until now. Otherwise, I would be getting evicted for not paying rent on time.

Oh L-rd, I am excited to see how you are going to work out my life and the current situation I'm in, but please, please can we do it a little faster?! Oh the stress.

If you are so inclined, do you mind praying with me that my landlord has amazing grace and allows me to let someone else take over my lease? Pray for guidance and wisdom in picking where I work and whether I rent a place or live with my parents.

I need to be in Big City for Nurse Midwifery School (hopefully I get into that), but College Town is much more affordable and I could maybe live with my cousin. I know, living with people, especially family, has not turned out well so far. That, too, is something to consider. *just breathe* It'll work out.

I'll keep y'all posted.

Full Moon Madness

It's been 2-3 nights since the huge full moon occurred. Regardless, the children in the Big House have not gotten said memo. I only had two babies last night and they were being so naughty!!!

I was running behind all night long and not for lack of trying. One kid takes frickin forever to assess and feed because there are often unforseen complications such as him puking every. single. assessment. because he gets so worked up and upset that he doesn't even make sound when crying and thus provides enough pressure on his stomach to then throw up. *Ugh, buddy, let's talk about this!* This phrase is uttered more times than should be allowed in an attempt to get him to chill out. Surprisingly, he's more cooperative for me than for anyone else. *facepalm*

My other kid was on a vent, but absolutely delightful. He's so sweet and his family is so kind and calm. I adore this family/kid. However, he's getting sick. So, after being late from my first kid taking waaaaaay too long to eat and not having a tube to be able to tube the rest of the feed, I started in on this kid. Shortly after sitting down to begin charting on both little pip-squeaks, the NNP came in and I got informed the kid needed blood cultures taken stat. Which means IV sticks to get a totally sterile sample of blood, besides whatever terrible thing has decided to begin growing in this poor little kid's body. First IV got placed no problem, but no blood return to be able to get for cultures. So on to second IV. Got that, no problem and got blood. Antibiotics started and I'm already late for the first kid's second assessment/feeding.

*sigh*

The whole night ran behind after that. Try as I might, I could not get caught up on charting completely until day shift arrived. I was 10 minutes to clock out so that I could chart everything that happened.



I finally got home, got showered, and dressed into new pj's straight out of the dryer. Called in my puppy to sleep with me for the day and as soon as I laid down and petted her, I realized she was covered in some mysterious, dried, likely-dead-animal's guts type substance. So, at 10 a.m. after a frustrating night-shift, I walked my backyard twice in hopes of finding whatever it is she rolled in. Then proceeded to give her a bath. She was pissed, but hey, I'm not letting her gallivant about in my house and all over my bed in some dead creatures guts. GROSS!

Dog's bath done, another change of pajamas, scrubbing my arms up to my elbows and aromatherapy diffuser turned on, I fell asleep.

I woke up 5 hours later, and 2 hours earlier than I needed to, because of nightmares. Nightmares about work, nightmares about family, nightmares about past events. My subconscious must be trying to tell me something, but I'm not getting overworked. I think it was just a stressful shift, my family all bailed on me (except for mom) in every way possible (Thanksgiving, both rape cases, you name it), and I'm still battling memories of exboyfriend and exfiance. I would have worded the last few sentences differently, I don't normally use rape in such a blunt term when talking about those two assholes and the countless number of times I have been abused at their hands, but I'm in a no-nonsense kind of mood right now.

Tomorrow night is Newbie's Night Out with the other new girls on my unit. I'm so excited I can't even tell you! I've been looking forward to this night, and attempting to plan it for months. I kid you not. So, for it to be so close is a wonderful feeling. I'll let you know how it goes!

Good news about last night's shift is that I have made friends (work friend status) with the respiratory therapists, many of the NNP's, and so many others besides the regular nurses. Plus, I got to have my favorite charge nurse on last night!!! I tell you what, she makes the shift so much better, just by being there. But she listens when I have concerns, she believes my "nursing judgement" which is little more than babysitter judgement at this point, and she helps us out. She agreed to help me out with tonight's assignments and not putting my two kids together until first kid learns to not take so long and second kid starts to feel better. I wish she were charge again tonight... ah well, I'm making friends with people the other "regular" staff has difficulties with. Thing is, they have difficulties with a lot of people, and I think it's because of the "regular" staff, not the others. Ya know what I mean? That's how it rolls with a clique mentality. Meanwhile, I'll be friends with everyone and people on other units have already begun requesting me by name. So I'm good with that.

Suddenly Lonely

I was doing well being here in Small Town. I was beginning to make friends, look forward to things other than work and support group, and I'm even beginning to get my house unpacked. Yes, I have been living in Small Town for about 6 months and I have only unpacked the things that I use...

The closer we get to Thanksgiving, the more I'm missing my Mom. I miss Dad and Brother too, but I'm so close to my Mom. I was going about a week or two without talking to any of my family members, but about a month ago, phone calls to Mom starting coming on nearly every day or two. That's usually about the time I knew it was time to go visit home or have Mom come have lunch with me in College Town.

After calling Dad yesterday and learning that he wasn't able to come down to visit for Thanksgiving, I tried calling Mom but she didn't answer. I called Brother today, twice, but he's still not answering. Seeing as he just got a new girlfriend and his track record for doing family things when he has friends and their families... I'm thinking the odds of him coming down are pretty slim as well.

*sigh*

So, I'm excited for Mom to come down and to also see my other Home State family who are hoping to come down to visit Mema. I hope they get to come down. Somehow, youngest uncle keeps missing family functions with an explanation that he has to work. Mema has recently mentioned that she is not particularly pleased with him at the moment. She also made some comments about exboyfriend that made me think that the rumor has finally reached the family about him getting talked to by the police and probably arrested under sexual assault charges, that were dropped.

I don't know what's going on. Oh the joys of having a family who talks about nothing with the people going through things, but gossip and speculations spread like wildfire. Along with the gossip, comes believing and siding with non-family members, depending on the story that gets told and from whom they hear said tale. Thus resulting in family splitting, rifts, and silent treatments.

The pull for me to find a guy and settle down is not strengthened by current circumstances... if that tells you anything...

Info Blockage

A problem I have run across, and recently discovered the other new girls are experiencing as well, is that there is a lack of communication to the newbies.

Depending on who we talk to, we are given 15 different answers to the same question that we didn't have until someone told us we needed to do something different.

I was called in for 2 extra shifts one week, and they were day shifts. So I missed the night/weekend differential that I would normally get, and I worked an extra day that week. Normally, when we get called in for a shift that was not scheduled, we get an extra $250 for that shift because we came in when we weren't expecting to. I didn't know that until I ran in to night shift nurses that told me to ask about it. I asked about it and was denied the money because somebody in HR decided that I was working my "normal" shifts, just switched times. Okay, when you get called to come in at 0630, in order to be there at 0700, that's called GETTING CALLED IN. That is not a normal shift. Then getting texted at 1130 p.m. that night to come in for another day shift, that was not scheduled, is also not normal. Somewhere, there is a disconnect and I suspect it lies with the charge nurse that called me in for both shifts...

A few days ago, I got called in at 1901 (7:01 p.m., and shortly after the start of the night shift) to come in and go to the pediatrics floor. I got an email saying that I got the $250 for that shift, for some reason.

I emailed our DON, but the way it was explained makes little to no sense and I think HR doesn't understand what happened and all of the charge nurses that we keep having during these situation are charge nurses that don't normally act as charge so they aren't used to the strange problems that occur, like random call-in pay.



Besides this, I learned that I wasn't supposed to get floated the other night when I went to be a patient sitter. I learned this from a few other charge nurses that are normally charge nurses. I didn't even know it was a rule that I'm not supposed to get floated for 6 months!!!



One of the other new girls is struggling with the rules too. We have a little paper you can sign, then sign up for an extra shift or two within a pay period. IF you sign this paper, sign up for the shifts, and get to work all of you scheduled and extra shifts, then you get $400 each of the extra shifts (1-2 per pay period). Score! Right? Thing is, you can work all of your scheduled and extra shifts, but if you are given a low census for even one shift that pay period, the extra money is denied and all of the extra shifts you worked count as regular pay. So, it's a bit of a gamble, but the risk is way lower when we are in summer and there are tons of babies on the unit and everyone is working 3-4 extra shifts a week.

The new girl got told she needed to sign up for these extra pay shifts, without being told the stipulation of how to not get the extra money. She was volun-told to stay home one night (after she had already arrived to work), even though there were other girls who had wanted to stay home and she wanted to work. So, she found out that she does not get her extra money and that all of her extra work days were a waste because they called her off.



A similar charge nurse surfaces amidst all of these troubles, but I don't want to go starting troubles where there were none. I'm not going to fight my aunt on the extra pay days, but I might go ask her if all of us new girls could be given information on all of the rules and extra things that we are supposed to do with our jobs because the information that we are not being told is coming back to bite us all in the ass.



Speaking of which, we have these blood tests that get sent to another lab. When sending the tests, we have to fill out some form with a bunch of info about the kid we are testing. Nobody ever told me that it couldn't be done in blue ink, and could only be written in black ink. We got a mass email and signs up ALL OVER THE UNIT specifying that the form must be written in black and yada, yada, yada. I know people probably don't know it was me, but they might. Everyone knows I'm new, so I'm not too concerned about it. Still, I'm irritated for getting shamed for things that we were never taught.

Whatever, I'm pretty much just rolling with it. I certainly don't get nearly as embarrassed as I used to. This is another unfortunate side effect of being constantly humiliated by exfiance, exboyfriend, and several other people who used to be friends and are now confused as to why I don't talk to them anymore. It's a mystery really.*** (*Heavy sarcasm there*)