My grandpa is in his last days. He's grown so weak, tired, and he's largely given up. It's hard to watch. He hasn't been able to go visit his family/siblings down in the south, because my grandma won't let him go. He doesn't technically know that the doctor knows he's dying, because my grandma won't let the doctor tell him. He's not eating things that he can actually stomach, because she won't let him eat anything but "Boost" shakes.
You have no idea how much I despise what she's doing to him, but I've exhausted my list of resources and they have all proven to be USELESS. Nobody is helping him at all!!!
So, my mom is the black sheep of the family. She is "unwelcome" because she doesn't buy into my grandma's scheming, manipulation, and hatred. However, my mom pushes my grandma's continued abuse aside, so that she can go check on my grandpa, and see if she can do anything for him. Recently, my mom's sibling that live in other states decided to come and visit grandpa before he dies. We all went over to my grandma's house and that's when things went downhill.
Let's start off that grandma has nobody that sticks around. She has favored one particular son, we'll call him Buddy (ironically kind for how mean he is). Grandma has Malicious Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The only attention she knows how to give, is evil attention. She is out to get everyone, and I'm not even kidding. There is no way she is not controlled by a terribly evil spirit, there's simply no way she's not straight evil. All she does is steal, kill, and destroy.
Anyway, we were all there, none of us like her, but we were there for grandpa. My aunt wanted to have a small family discussion, to see what grandpa's last wishes are for his funeral, burial arrangements, etc. My aunt brought it up gently, spoke just to grandma, and kept it civil. Grandma kept skirting the questions, like I've never seen anybody avoid questions. And exfiance was a master at it! I'm not saying he was particularly smart in his answers, but he sure didn't answer any question.
So, grandma was avoiding the questions, then she realized we were all watching her and listening. That's where things really took a turn for the worst. I wanted to stand up for my aunt, as my grandma started to accuse her of meddling. But then my mom asked a very simple question, even in a nice way. My uncle Buddy turned on her! He started yelling at her, for literally no reason (other than the fact that he was already drunk). He tried to start yelling at her for staying away from the family and how she kept my brother and I away from our fucking crazy, evil grandmother and him (who beat his wife and raped her on a regular basis, and has a serious drinking problem causing him to lose all of his teeth over a decade ago).
This is when I couldn't take it anymore. I jumped in and told him "I'm glad she (my mom) kept us away! Grandma's a bitch and I don't want to ever know you! You didn't even know my name or who I was!" I continued on, but because of my dissociation, I don't remember what else I said. I called grandma out for lying about everything. She was trying to tell me what the doctors were doing even through 1) what she was saying makes no medical sense and 2) I have already heard from the doctors and 3) anybody with a pulse and half a brain know that he's not going to live another 1-2 years and that he's actually getting better. Ugh, her lies are just too much to handle. I can't believe she is so ridiculously crazy, that she thinks we're dumb enough to listen to the lies that spill from her mouth. We call her out on most of the lies she feeds us every time she talks. And yet, because of her personality disorder/demons, she thinks we believe her. There's really no way to make this shit up. Oh, and I used a lot of bad words this weekend that I hadn't used in months. I'm not proud of it, but it happened.
So he had his finger in my face, I could have reached out and broken his nose. I was sitting, he was standing over me and yelling. His best comeback? "You mom lies!" Homeboy, you're fighting with grandma too and everything my mom has told me about you and grandma has been proven to me... by you and grandma. I am old enough and smart enough to make my own decisions about you. You guys bragged about me being a nurse when grandpa was originally in the hospital, but now you want to tell me I don't know anything? Little kids know when their grandmother doesn't like them and yells at them (the little kids) and when the only memories I have of grandma and uncle Buddy are of them yelling at my mom, I'm not going to soon forget those memories.
He continue to yell at me and get up in my face until his son came out of the house and and yelled at him saying: "Dad! What are you doing?!? You're yelling at BedpanAlley!" Obviously he used my real name... but the rest of it is real! Buddy proceeded to sit down, but got up quickly and started talking over grandma who was trying to tell me all these lies about trying to visit me when I was a kid and how her and grandpa tried to drive by and essentially stalk my brother and I. Her and Buddy then started yelling at each other because he kept talking over her. Hahaha, that was pretty funny.
He got up in my mom's face again, blah, blah, blah. More fighting. Blah, blah, blah. Then another one of my uncles stepped in and called her out on not visiting his kids or caring about them either. He had a really great speech, directed straight to her about how ugly she's been, how terrible she is, and how much she lies. At the conclusion of that, I leaned over to my mom, whispered "Mic drop, we gotta go" and all of us left.
I wish I could have said different words. I wish that my arguments were better thought out and less emotionally charged. However, I am so proud of myself for standing up for my mom and getting to yell at grandma and my uncle Buddy. I wanted to yell at her dad (great-grandpa) for him yelling at me when I was a kid, but he up and died before I got the chance.
I spoke my peace instead of getting scared and avoiding the situation. I wanted to get up and leave, but I couldn't leave my mom. I didn't back down!!!
Showing posts with label evil. Show all posts
Showing posts with label evil. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 5, 2017
Thursday, July 21, 2016
Can't Run From Your Past
When I told people about my plans to leave Home State, if they new my story, they would tell me that running away from my problems would not fix them. They always told me that my past will follow me wherever I go.
You know what? I have memories and things that come up with with everyday life, but I'm not constantly bombarded with everything I was hit with in Home State, especially in the town where I went to school (where the assaults happened).
Today is a rough day. The memories won't let up, but it's because I'm processing some bad news about one of my cases.
You know what? The legal system sucks when trying to actually get justice. I get that you have to have evidence and proof and whatnot, but seriously the amount of rapists that actually get charged compared to the number of rapes that happen is absolute garbage! No fucking wonder there is a huge number of people (men, women, or children) that are raped every single day. You wanna know why this damn rate is so high? Because the assholes that refuse to keep their appendages to themselves know the law. They know what to do in order to get away with their evil actions. They know that if you are drugged and don't remember the night, then nothing can be done to charge them, unless a witness watches everything that happens and catches the rapist in the act. They know to keep victims away from anyone else because that makes all of their assaults a case of "he-said-she-said" which makes their word just as reliable as the victim's, unless recorded and able to be used for proof.
Honestly, this world is so worried about being politically correct and not stepping on anyone's toes, that it's gotten to the point that nobody can be trusted and justice is unattainable. I know that the only one who can provide justice and truly fix anything is G-d. I don't believe that this is necessarily the end of the road, because He judges and punishes as He sees fit. Maybe one or both of these assholes that destroyed my life are sorry. Maybe they truly regret what they did, are remorseful, and have decided to apologize and ask for forgiveness to the L-rd. Maybe they think I'm over-reacting and think they've done nothing wrong. Maybe, they (or at least one of them), is truly evil and looks to further traumatize girls because he gets a kick out of it.
Who knows? Maybe they will never receive punishment, never feel sorry, never understand the extent to which they have caused harm to another living being. Maybe someday there will be showers of fire and brimstone. I don't know! I know nothing of the future. G-d might not want to punish them at all or maybe He does. Nobody can know.
I'll be honest with you, I pray for justice. I pray that somehow, these wrongs are made right and that I can have peace. I realize that one can have peace without justice being served, and I pray that I am able to come to a resolution regardless of whether judgement and punishment are served.
*sigh*
So, today I struggle but I am on my way to a support group. I pray I find friends who can help me here. I pray I find ladies who can help me walk this rough road that I am being held prisoner on. All I can do is keep marching on as slow or as fast as it requires. I desperately need a bridge to a different path. I need a different road, a different direction, a different life. However, that's not how it works, so here I go...
on my way...
I have no clue where I'm going...
You know what? I have memories and things that come up with with everyday life, but I'm not constantly bombarded with everything I was hit with in Home State, especially in the town where I went to school (where the assaults happened).
Today is a rough day. The memories won't let up, but it's because I'm processing some bad news about one of my cases.
You know what? The legal system sucks when trying to actually get justice. I get that you have to have evidence and proof and whatnot, but seriously the amount of rapists that actually get charged compared to the number of rapes that happen is absolute garbage! No fucking wonder there is a huge number of people (men, women, or children) that are raped every single day. You wanna know why this damn rate is so high? Because the assholes that refuse to keep their appendages to themselves know the law. They know what to do in order to get away with their evil actions. They know that if you are drugged and don't remember the night, then nothing can be done to charge them, unless a witness watches everything that happens and catches the rapist in the act. They know to keep victims away from anyone else because that makes all of their assaults a case of "he-said-she-said" which makes their word just as reliable as the victim's, unless recorded and able to be used for proof.
Honestly, this world is so worried about being politically correct and not stepping on anyone's toes, that it's gotten to the point that nobody can be trusted and justice is unattainable. I know that the only one who can provide justice and truly fix anything is G-d. I don't believe that this is necessarily the end of the road, because He judges and punishes as He sees fit. Maybe one or both of these assholes that destroyed my life are sorry. Maybe they truly regret what they did, are remorseful, and have decided to apologize and ask for forgiveness to the L-rd. Maybe they think I'm over-reacting and think they've done nothing wrong. Maybe, they (or at least one of them), is truly evil and looks to further traumatize girls because he gets a kick out of it.
Who knows? Maybe they will never receive punishment, never feel sorry, never understand the extent to which they have caused harm to another living being. Maybe someday there will be showers of fire and brimstone. I don't know! I know nothing of the future. G-d might not want to punish them at all or maybe He does. Nobody can know.
I'll be honest with you, I pray for justice. I pray that somehow, these wrongs are made right and that I can have peace. I realize that one can have peace without justice being served, and I pray that I am able to come to a resolution regardless of whether judgement and punishment are served.
*sigh*
So, today I struggle but I am on my way to a support group. I pray I find friends who can help me here. I pray I find ladies who can help me walk this rough road that I am being held prisoner on. All I can do is keep marching on as slow or as fast as it requires. I desperately need a bridge to a different path. I need a different road, a different direction, a different life. However, that's not how it works, so here I go...
on my way...
I have no clue where I'm going...
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Painful Memories
Tomorrow marks the anniversary of ex-boyfriend's first assault on me. A year ago, I was excited on this night. It was a Friday, I believe and I was probably at his new house watching a movie with him. Actually, he went to bed early so we were probably back in his bed, falling asleep or already sleeping by now.
He didn't try to touch me this night. I was still blissfully ignorant of the danger lurking within him.
The most he probably did was try to grab my butt or my boobs while he made out with me. I was uncomfortable sleeping in his bed, but he wouldn't let me sleep out on the couch. I was also dumb enough to believe that sleeping over would be okay. I was naive enough to believe that I was safe with him.
I've been wrestling with terrible thoughts in my head. For as long as I can remember, I was told to love those who hurt you and hate nobody but Satan.
I've been struggling to wrap my head around the evil that was done to my body and the fact that these guys think that they did nothing wrong.
I have been struggling to keep my mind from saying that "I hate them."
I hate what they've done to me. I hate that they have no fucking clue that my life is ruined. I hate that if the news ever got out that they did these things to me, nobody will believe me and they will blame me for making up stories. I hate that the law is on their side in this backwards legal system. I hate that they will likely have no punishment because what could potentially happen in the best case scenario for me or worst case scenario for them? NOTHING! Absolutely, fucking nothing.
Justice is bullshit. The legal system is not working for victims, it helps nobody but those who have broken the law. So, what's the point in reporting? There is none.
I'm so fucking over this shit. I can't sleep. My mind is being bombarded with the evil acts these assholes have done to me. The only comfort I have is absolutely nothing. There is no comfort. There is no justice. There is nothing I, or anyone, can do to right these wrongs.
L-rd, give me peace and comfort in the coming months as all of my anniversaries come to bombard me and swallow me whole. Quiet my heart and give me restful sleep. Allow me to somehow forget these evil guys. Somehow, in the coming judgement, bring me justice, oh L-rd. Give me something to tell me that the suffering I have unfortunately survived this last year is not in vain. Oh L-rd, redeem me and punish those who have wronged me and invaded my body. Ad-nai, forgive my past trangressions and remember what has happened. L-rd, remember those who love you and deliver me from the evil bestowed upon me.
Why was this given to me? What did I do that warranted that type of punishment? Or, what kind of sick test was that?!? WHY???
Ironically, tomorrow's pediatric lecture is on childhood abuse and will most likely mention sexual assault because that seems to be a popular topic in that stupid class. As such, I am not going. I refuse to go. The peds instructor makes sick jokes about rape, suicide, abuse, and other "hot button" topics that immediately make me cry. How will I handle such topics from now on? I will just refuse to go to class! Fuck you, lady. L-rd willing, you've never lived through these terrible things. As someone who survived multiple suicide attempts, is living through grieving a friend's suicide, having been abused by boyfriends, and raped by two separate guys on numerous occasions, YOU HAVE NO PLACE TO TALK!!!
No decent person makes jokes about abuse, rape, or suicide. Don't fuck with those topics. If you have to talk about them, and I think it's important to discuss them, then you treat them with the respect and seriousness they deserve. Get people who are experts and who are tender to the issues to come and teach the lecture, if that is required.
Don't fucking mess with me and don't tell me you know when you don't lady (peds professor and Jersey.)
Some of you, out there in the blog-o-sphere, unfortunately understand the pain of living through traumatic events. Though we have not lived the same life, I am sorry for your suffering. We can't fully comprehend each others pain and journey, but I know what it is like to live my trauma and I am sorry for anyone who has to live through their own. For anything you've been through, I am, from the bottom of my heart, sorry.
For those of you who haven't, I am so very glad that you haven't. I do not wish this on anyone. Having said that, please do not tell those of us who are survivors of trauma that you know what we are going through. If you say anything, tell us that you are sorry and then slap that pity look right off your face. We don't need pity. We are still a person, just like anyone else. Unfortunately, we were dealt a hand in life where we were forced to be a bit stronger than the average person. That does not mean we need pity. Giving us that fucking pity look and babying us after we tell you only makes the situation worse. Don't distance yourself from us or treat us differently besides avoiding the triggers we ask you to avoid. Besides that, treat us normally, but silently give us more patience as we heal.
He didn't try to touch me this night. I was still blissfully ignorant of the danger lurking within him.
The most he probably did was try to grab my butt or my boobs while he made out with me. I was uncomfortable sleeping in his bed, but he wouldn't let me sleep out on the couch. I was also dumb enough to believe that sleeping over would be okay. I was naive enough to believe that I was safe with him.
I've been wrestling with terrible thoughts in my head. For as long as I can remember, I was told to love those who hurt you and hate nobody but Satan.
I've been struggling to wrap my head around the evil that was done to my body and the fact that these guys think that they did nothing wrong.
I have been struggling to keep my mind from saying that "I hate them."
I hate what they've done to me. I hate that they have no fucking clue that my life is ruined. I hate that if the news ever got out that they did these things to me, nobody will believe me and they will blame me for making up stories. I hate that the law is on their side in this backwards legal system. I hate that they will likely have no punishment because what could potentially happen in the best case scenario for me or worst case scenario for them? NOTHING! Absolutely, fucking nothing.
Justice is bullshit. The legal system is not working for victims, it helps nobody but those who have broken the law. So, what's the point in reporting? There is none.
I'm so fucking over this shit. I can't sleep. My mind is being bombarded with the evil acts these assholes have done to me. The only comfort I have is absolutely nothing. There is no comfort. There is no justice. There is nothing I, or anyone, can do to right these wrongs.
L-rd, give me peace and comfort in the coming months as all of my anniversaries come to bombard me and swallow me whole. Quiet my heart and give me restful sleep. Allow me to somehow forget these evil guys. Somehow, in the coming judgement, bring me justice, oh L-rd. Give me something to tell me that the suffering I have unfortunately survived this last year is not in vain. Oh L-rd, redeem me and punish those who have wronged me and invaded my body. Ad-nai, forgive my past trangressions and remember what has happened. L-rd, remember those who love you and deliver me from the evil bestowed upon me.
Why was this given to me? What did I do that warranted that type of punishment? Or, what kind of sick test was that?!? WHY???
Ironically, tomorrow's pediatric lecture is on childhood abuse and will most likely mention sexual assault because that seems to be a popular topic in that stupid class. As such, I am not going. I refuse to go. The peds instructor makes sick jokes about rape, suicide, abuse, and other "hot button" topics that immediately make me cry. How will I handle such topics from now on? I will just refuse to go to class! Fuck you, lady. L-rd willing, you've never lived through these terrible things. As someone who survived multiple suicide attempts, is living through grieving a friend's suicide, having been abused by boyfriends, and raped by two separate guys on numerous occasions, YOU HAVE NO PLACE TO TALK!!!
No decent person makes jokes about abuse, rape, or suicide. Don't fuck with those topics. If you have to talk about them, and I think it's important to discuss them, then you treat them with the respect and seriousness they deserve. Get people who are experts and who are tender to the issues to come and teach the lecture, if that is required.
Don't fucking mess with me and don't tell me you know when you don't lady (peds professor and Jersey.)
Some of you, out there in the blog-o-sphere, unfortunately understand the pain of living through traumatic events. Though we have not lived the same life, I am sorry for your suffering. We can't fully comprehend each others pain and journey, but I know what it is like to live my trauma and I am sorry for anyone who has to live through their own. For anything you've been through, I am, from the bottom of my heart, sorry.
For those of you who haven't, I am so very glad that you haven't. I do not wish this on anyone. Having said that, please do not tell those of us who are survivors of trauma that you know what we are going through. If you say anything, tell us that you are sorry and then slap that pity look right off your face. We don't need pity. We are still a person, just like anyone else. Unfortunately, we were dealt a hand in life where we were forced to be a bit stronger than the average person. That does not mean we need pity. Giving us that fucking pity look and babying us after we tell you only makes the situation worse. Don't distance yourself from us or treat us differently besides avoiding the triggers we ask you to avoid. Besides that, treat us normally, but silently give us more patience as we heal.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Over Halfway!
I took my "midterm" today for my week-long class and I got a 89%. It seems that I can't break past this B ceiling of test grades lately, but I am very grateful that G-d got me this good grade! I was fearing that I would have done much worse, but there is a really good chance that G-d can get me an A in this class! That would be so nice.
I got my schedule for my 2nd job today and I work Thursday morning (I don't have any class Thursday which is perfect!) for a few hours and then I work Monday afternoon right after my Monday morning class. Hopefully I will be able to study during these shifts, but I'm kinda doubting it. I am just very glad that I do not have to work until midnight because they are open at 7:30 nearly every morning and they don't close until midnight most nights. I don't know why because we are just IT but I'm kinda excited for this job. I go and meet my new boss and another new hire that I will likely be working with. I am so glad that I only have to work 2 extra days a week and I really hope that my grades stay good this year. I am going to try really hard to stay on top of my school work, but I tried that the last 3 semesters of college (all of my college career) and it hasn't really worked completely yet. So, this extra job will either be extra motivation or it will completely sink me and I will have to quit before next semester... We shall see. I am getting better at not procrastinating. It's a slow, painful process, but G-d's bringing me along.
*Disclosure: the following rant may contain content that may make some people uncomfortable because it has to do with the spiritual realm and evil works that we are all currently witnesses to.*
In the meantime, I am trying to finish my homework and studying for my week-long class but my brother is playing this atrocious zombie game. Ugh! It's absolutely disgusting and I can handle barf, poop, bodily fluids, birth, surgery, and bones being sawed! This is just a video game but it is probably one of the most evil things I have ever seen. I am so appalled by the new popular fascination with the "living dead", vampires, ware-wolfs, witches, goblins, warlocks, and demons. Folks, these things are from the Adversary (Satan). Don't kid yourself. Teen girls falling in love with vampires that are hundreds of years old because he is "immortal" is not from G-d. Ware-wolfs and zombies are not holy, in fact, they are very evil. They aren't even original, these themes have been seen before... IN THE BIBLE!!! We are warned about things like these, but they weren't make-believe then and they aren't now. Read Genesis 6:1-8. Nothing is new under the sun and these things that have suddenly grown in popularity should not be taken lightly. Don't play these games, watch the movies, read the books, entertain the ideas, or buy into these lies. If you have, it's not too late, but you have to get rid of the materials and start praying. Get out of it and get it out of your house. Invite G-d in, don't entertain evil because that is just inviting the Adversary. I want to destroy my t.v. and break my brother's game because this zombie game makes me sick to my stomach because it is so full of evil and I am very sensitive to things like this. G-d gave me an extreme sensitivity to Himself and the spiritual stuff going on. That's right, all of the vampire, witch, magic, zombie stuff that is going on is not just man-made, it all has it's roots in the spiritual realm.
Moral of story: think about what you expose yourself to and what you allow your family to be exposed to. Things aren't as they appear and a simple "love" story could have a deeper, very evil meaning.
*End of Rant. The rest of my post is clean.*
Daily Thanksgiving: I got an 89% on my test! I work excellent days this next year and I got another job with IT! I am over halfway through my class and probably closer to 3/4 through it. 1 more day of lectures and 1 day of study/testing and then I am finished. I volunteer to babysit children with special needs on Friday with a bunch of my fellow nursing students of all classes (sophomore, junior, senior classes) and I am very excited! Nursing school starts in 18 days. G-d keeps giving us rain which is such a beautiful thing after all of the fires my state has had already this summer. G-d protected my friends house from any damage from the fire (when we were evacuated). G-d totally convicted me last night of my current overall heart status with James 3-4. Oh golly, He gives me just what I need all the time. Even though it is kinda hard to hear, it's the tough love that let's me know that He is still willing to shape me and fix me to be who He needs me to be. He has also given me more strength to get over this wedding cycle that I have been going through lately (it was slightly self-induced due to the 3 guys who were kinda in my life).
I'm exhausted, so I'm gonna go to bed. Read James 3-4, hopefully it can help you wherever you are in life. Let G-d convict you because we have to be broken before we can be reshaped by Him. It's like muscles. You have to over-work them so they rip (microscopically, a large muscle tear is a serious problem and you should get that looked at...), but G-d created our bodies so that when they are repaired they get bigger and stronger!
I got my schedule for my 2nd job today and I work Thursday morning (I don't have any class Thursday which is perfect!) for a few hours and then I work Monday afternoon right after my Monday morning class. Hopefully I will be able to study during these shifts, but I'm kinda doubting it. I am just very glad that I do not have to work until midnight because they are open at 7:30 nearly every morning and they don't close until midnight most nights. I don't know why because we are just IT but I'm kinda excited for this job. I go and meet my new boss and another new hire that I will likely be working with. I am so glad that I only have to work 2 extra days a week and I really hope that my grades stay good this year. I am going to try really hard to stay on top of my school work, but I tried that the last 3 semesters of college (all of my college career) and it hasn't really worked completely yet. So, this extra job will either be extra motivation or it will completely sink me and I will have to quit before next semester... We shall see. I am getting better at not procrastinating. It's a slow, painful process, but G-d's bringing me along.
*Disclosure: the following rant may contain content that may make some people uncomfortable because it has to do with the spiritual realm and evil works that we are all currently witnesses to.*
In the meantime, I am trying to finish my homework and studying for my week-long class but my brother is playing this atrocious zombie game. Ugh! It's absolutely disgusting and I can handle barf, poop, bodily fluids, birth, surgery, and bones being sawed! This is just a video game but it is probably one of the most evil things I have ever seen. I am so appalled by the new popular fascination with the "living dead", vampires, ware-wolfs, witches, goblins, warlocks, and demons. Folks, these things are from the Adversary (Satan). Don't kid yourself. Teen girls falling in love with vampires that are hundreds of years old because he is "immortal" is not from G-d. Ware-wolfs and zombies are not holy, in fact, they are very evil. They aren't even original, these themes have been seen before... IN THE BIBLE!!! We are warned about things like these, but they weren't make-believe then and they aren't now. Read Genesis 6:1-8. Nothing is new under the sun and these things that have suddenly grown in popularity should not be taken lightly. Don't play these games, watch the movies, read the books, entertain the ideas, or buy into these lies. If you have, it's not too late, but you have to get rid of the materials and start praying. Get out of it and get it out of your house. Invite G-d in, don't entertain evil because that is just inviting the Adversary. I want to destroy my t.v. and break my brother's game because this zombie game makes me sick to my stomach because it is so full of evil and I am very sensitive to things like this. G-d gave me an extreme sensitivity to Himself and the spiritual stuff going on. That's right, all of the vampire, witch, magic, zombie stuff that is going on is not just man-made, it all has it's roots in the spiritual realm.
Moral of story: think about what you expose yourself to and what you allow your family to be exposed to. Things aren't as they appear and a simple "love" story could have a deeper, very evil meaning.
*End of Rant. The rest of my post is clean.*
Daily Thanksgiving: I got an 89% on my test! I work excellent days this next year and I got another job with IT! I am over halfway through my class and probably closer to 3/4 through it. 1 more day of lectures and 1 day of study/testing and then I am finished. I volunteer to babysit children with special needs on Friday with a bunch of my fellow nursing students of all classes (sophomore, junior, senior classes) and I am very excited! Nursing school starts in 18 days. G-d keeps giving us rain which is such a beautiful thing after all of the fires my state has had already this summer. G-d protected my friends house from any damage from the fire (when we were evacuated). G-d totally convicted me last night of my current overall heart status with James 3-4. Oh golly, He gives me just what I need all the time. Even though it is kinda hard to hear, it's the tough love that let's me know that He is still willing to shape me and fix me to be who He needs me to be. He has also given me more strength to get over this wedding cycle that I have been going through lately (it was slightly self-induced due to the 3 guys who were kinda in my life).
I'm exhausted, so I'm gonna go to bed. Read James 3-4, hopefully it can help you wherever you are in life. Let G-d convict you because we have to be broken before we can be reshaped by Him. It's like muscles. You have to over-work them so they rip (microscopically, a large muscle tear is a serious problem and you should get that looked at...), but G-d created our bodies so that when they are repaired they get bigger and stronger!
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