What I Wish I Could Say

Last night was awful. I'm talking the worst night I have ever had at work since I have been at the hospital.

I went into the patient's room and as I was getting report, within the first 15 minutes of my shift, I had already gotten assaulted and we had to call security. We had 3 security guards, 2 CNA's, and the nurse in the room trying to get the patient calmed down and some meds that are stronger than Ativan. It starts with a G but I can't remember what it is. Oh, but it got so much worse. As the night went on I kept reminding him that he needed to stay in bed because he can't walk and so he kept requesting to talk to my supervisor (the nurse). I finally called the nurse in and the patient was super pleasant and rambling on and on about how he "told me so" about this, that, and the other. He hadn't even mentioned any of that before the nurse came in. At about 0200 he started with the personal attacks because I still wasn't letting him out of bed. He told me that I don't understand what it's like to be an adult because I'm just some little girl who is living off of "mommy and daddy's money". He could not have chosen a worse thing to say to me and I couldn't do anything about it.

I wanted to tell him that the only reason I was there is because I work so that I can live on my own. My parents pay for nothing because they can't afford it. I am working my way through college by wiping adult butts and being attacked on a regular/weekly basis by patients because that's my job. I wanted to tell him that I wish I could let him walk and I wish that I wasn't there either because that's not how I would chose to spend a Sunday night, especially when I have school the next day. But I can't. Because he's a patient. I do apologize for whining but I am so sick of going to work and being attacked every night! I understand that they are sick but why does that make it acceptable for them to be so mean. I think the things that he said to me (and he said much, much more) are probably the MEANEST things anyone has ever said to me. I should shake it off but I just can't right now.

Everybody and their mother is trying to set me up because I'm not enough on my own. I wish I could tell them to go pound sand. I wish I could share all of the things in my life that I am still trying to heal from that make me believe that I am unworthy of love from anyone beside those obligated to love me because of blood and genetics. I wish I could tell them that I feel like a failure because I couldn't make it work with Best Friend and yet I wish I had never "gone out" with him in the first place. I wish I could tell them that I want a relationship and I want to be a wife and a mother, but I am scared to death that I am not good enough. I am terrified that a guy would say, "ya, okay" to marrying me and then decide that I wasn't worth it. Yet, I am frightened of living the rest of my life alone. I want someone to understand that being in this weird area of not wanting to be alone but being apprehensive of a relationship is also driving me insane.

My brother keeps blowing me off so he can hang out with his girlfriend and other friends. I figured he would get into a relationship eventually and I am happy for him, but he bends over backwards to hang out with everyone but me. I offered to buy him lunch so that I could hang out with him because I was really sad and lonely. He agreed to come over, if I agreed to buy. After we got it all situated he asked if he could bring a friend. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?! I wish I would have told him its frustrating that he doesn't try to hang out with me but he gets mad when I don't come hang out with him. I am truly glad that he has a girlfriend he really likes and a bunch of friends. Why would it seem okay to invite a friend to lunch after I had already agreed to pay? Does he think I'm made of money? I wish I could tell him it's frustrating to love him so much when he doesn't seem to care what I'm doing as long as it either doesn't effect him negatively or it benefits him. I want to tell him I miss him and I... I... I don't know. I think I'm hanging on to something that I won't ever be able to get back.

Today, I wish I could go back and talk to the people who scarred me for life. I wish I could show them the pain they've caused collectively and the long-lasting damage they cause to people's lives. I wish that I could prevent anyone else from ever being called fat, ugly, stupid, or any other mean thing people come up with. When we're kids, we don't understand that one simple name will stick with others for the rest of their lives. These words are thorns in our sides. It just takes one, but the more you accumulate the more you start to believe everyone else around you, even if you don't want to. If only time travel existed. If only people could just be nice to each other!

I want to talk to someone who understand what I want to say when no words are forthcoming because there is so much I want to say but there is no way for me to express it. I praise the L-rd that He made me independent and He provides ways for me to be able to go to school and have stuff paid for so that I am able to survive without my parents having to pay for everything because I definitely do not do this of my own power.