What I Wish I Could Say

Last night was awful. I'm talking the worst night I have ever had at work since I have been at the hospital.

I went into the patient's room and as I was getting report, within the first 15 minutes of my shift, I had already gotten assaulted and we had to call security. We had 3 security guards, 2 CNA's, and the nurse in the room trying to get the patient calmed down and some meds that are stronger than Ativan. It starts with a G but I can't remember what it is. Oh, but it got so much worse. As the night went on I kept reminding him that he needed to stay in bed because he can't walk and so he kept requesting to talk to my supervisor (the nurse). I finally called the nurse in and the patient was super pleasant and rambling on and on about how he "told me so" about this, that, and the other. He hadn't even mentioned any of that before the nurse came in. At about 0200 he started with the personal attacks because I still wasn't letting him out of bed. He told me that I don't understand what it's like to be an adult because I'm just some little girl who is living off of "mommy and daddy's money". He could not have chosen a worse thing to say to me and I couldn't do anything about it.

I wanted to tell him that the only reason I was there is because I work so that I can live on my own. My parents pay for nothing because they can't afford it. I am working my way through college by wiping adult butts and being attacked on a regular/weekly basis by patients because that's my job. I wanted to tell him that I wish I could let him walk and I wish that I wasn't there either because that's not how I would chose to spend a Sunday night, especially when I have school the next day. But I can't. Because he's a patient. I do apologize for whining but I am so sick of going to work and being attacked every night! I understand that they are sick but why does that make it acceptable for them to be so mean. I think the things that he said to me (and he said much, much more) are probably the MEANEST things anyone has ever said to me. I should shake it off but I just can't right now.

Everybody and their mother is trying to set me up because I'm not enough on my own. I wish I could tell them to go pound sand. I wish I could share all of the things in my life that I am still trying to heal from that make me believe that I am unworthy of love from anyone beside those obligated to love me because of blood and genetics. I wish I could tell them that I feel like a failure because I couldn't make it work with Best Friend and yet I wish I had never "gone out" with him in the first place. I wish I could tell them that I want a relationship and I want to be a wife and a mother, but I am scared to death that I am not good enough. I am terrified that a guy would say, "ya, okay" to marrying me and then decide that I wasn't worth it. Yet, I am frightened of living the rest of my life alone. I want someone to understand that being in this weird area of not wanting to be alone but being apprehensive of a relationship is also driving me insane.

My brother keeps blowing me off so he can hang out with his girlfriend and other friends. I figured he would get into a relationship eventually and I am happy for him, but he bends over backwards to hang out with everyone but me. I offered to buy him lunch so that I could hang out with him because I was really sad and lonely. He agreed to come over, if I agreed to buy. After we got it all situated he asked if he could bring a friend. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?! I wish I would have told him its frustrating that he doesn't try to hang out with me but he gets mad when I don't come hang out with him. I am truly glad that he has a girlfriend he really likes and a bunch of friends. Why would it seem okay to invite a friend to lunch after I had already agreed to pay? Does he think I'm made of money? I wish I could tell him it's frustrating to love him so much when he doesn't seem to care what I'm doing as long as it either doesn't effect him negatively or it benefits him. I want to tell him I miss him and I... I... I don't know. I think I'm hanging on to something that I won't ever be able to get back.

Today, I wish I could go back and talk to the people who scarred me for life. I wish I could show them the pain they've caused collectively and the long-lasting damage they cause to people's lives. I wish that I could prevent anyone else from ever being called fat, ugly, stupid, or any other mean thing people come up with. When we're kids, we don't understand that one simple name will stick with others for the rest of their lives. These words are thorns in our sides. It just takes one, but the more you accumulate the more you start to believe everyone else around you, even if you don't want to. If only time travel existed. If only people could just be nice to each other!

I want to talk to someone who understand what I want to say when no words are forthcoming because there is so much I want to say but there is no way for me to express it. I praise the L-rd that He made me independent and He provides ways for me to be able to go to school and have stuff paid for so that I am able to survive without my parents having to pay for everything because I definitely do not do this of my own power.

"So, how do you feel about that?"

It is the point in my nursing school career where I am learning about Mental Health Nursing, aka: Psych Nursing. It's rough. I DON'T DO FEELINGS!!! Plus, it's all been pretty common sense stuff so far and the teacher screwed up my schedule for the first month. My classes are supposed to be Mon-Tues with clinicals on Weds. What does the teacher do for the first month? She's making us come in on Fridays or one Thursday. I made my work schedule so that I would be able to work Thursday night thinking I could sleep and do homework the next day but now I get to be up from 0600 on Thursday to babysit, stay up all night at work, and then sit through a mind numbing lecture for 6-7 hours the next day. Awesome.

My course load is really light this semester so I figured one online class would not be so bad. I could have handled it if I hadn't have had a freaking mental breakdown today after class and then passed out for the rest of the afternoon. I woke up at 11:55 p.m. That would be no problem but I had planned to do an assignment instead of sleep. That assignment was due at 11:59 p.m. I missed it by seconds and I am more than angry because now I have no hopes of getting anything over a B just because I missed one assignment. I also only have 26 points that I can miss for the rest of the semester without then getting no higher than a C. I know it is my fault for not doing it earlier and for also falling asleep instead of finishing my work. I sat down with the intention of resting for just a minute and then I completely crashed into something similar to a drug-induced coma, but I hadn't taken any drugs. Good news, my anxiety level is so freakin' high right now I won't be able to sleep at all for the rest of the night.

Lecture for psych today was suicide. I started crying in class. Just a couple of tears before I got it under control, but I don't cry in public bathrooms let alone in class. Plus, a kid at the university, who was friends with many of the nursing students, committed suicide a couple of days ago so lots of other girls were struggling with the lecture as well. So I came home, ugly cried for a solid hour to the point where I couldn't breathe, and laid on the floor contemplating why after 5 attempts to end my own life (with measures that should have ended it with the first try and even got worse with each try after) G-d allowed me to live with no serious medical issues but Country Boy only needed 1 try to complete his suicide. All the crashes G-d has saved me from, all the medical issues and other circumstances (self-induced and otherwise) that should have killed me over the course of my life, G-d keeps me around. Why? Why do I get spared while my friend loses her husband in a car wreck after only their second anniversary of marriage? Why me? What is it that I am here for that I have to be kept around? What is it that I'm supposed to be here for?

I wasn't going to go into that stuff with you guys, I was just going to vent about the rotten cherry atop my horrendous sundae of an unbelievably awful week.

C'est la vie...

I woke up and the day started like a normal day for me. Got ready and was fixin' to head out the door with my brother when he realized he couldn't find his wallet. We looked around for a bit but still could not find it so we decided I should drive. At this point, we are approximately 5-10 minutes behind schedule. I drop him off and as I am driving to my part of campus, I get pulled over.

"Ma'am, do you know what the campus speed limit is?"

"No, sir, I do not"

"It's 15 and you were going 25 when I clocked you. License, registration, and proof of insurance please."

Awesome! My first speeding ticket, I'm already late, and now I can't even find the car's registration because my brother is a pack rat and puts everything in weird places. It's only 9:30 and my day already sucks!

"Ma'am, I'll let you off with a warning because we haven't had to pull you over before but just know that for going 10 mph over the speed limit, your ticket would have been $100"

"I'm so sorry officer, thank you very much"

I walk into class 15 minutes late to find that there was an unannounced quiz. I go up to talk to the teacher who just says "sorry." I got back to my seat and wait for lecture to begin while trying to hold back the tears. With me, it has to be really bad for me to start tearing up in class, but I never cry if I can help it. Fortunately, I didn't cry. All through class, my brother had been texting me. I had turned my phone on silent so I didn't hear anything at all. I check my phone over our short break and 5 new texts and a phone call all from my brother. I wanted to explain what had happened so that he would realize that his problem of having to wait 2 hours was not as bad as all of my angering tragedies, but I didn't. Instead, I stayed calm, texted him to wait until my class was over and then I would take him home. He replied snottily and I felt like going off on him, but I remained calm still.

Class is over, so I head outside. I find my brother in the backseat because he had a bad day too.  His bad day merely consisted of getting a 70% on a quiz, having to walk down to my part of campus, and then sitting in a hot car even though he definitely could have gone inside to where it is air conditioned. Guys, I STILL didn't go off on him! I calmly explained my morning: being late, getting pulled over, and getting a 0 on a quiz I didn't know we had because he would not just leave when I asked him to.

After lunch, I needed to pick up a penlight for my next class which is BHA lab. I left the house underestimating how long it would take to secure such an item. By this time I was 5 minutes late and I didn't have the parking pass that my brother and I share because I forgot it! So, I go to metered parking but I don't have any quarters. I drive around 3-4 times looking for a parking spot in the neighborhood close to the school and finally find one. A brisk walk up a large hill with flip-flops and I make it to lab sweating, out of breath, and 15 minutes late. Oy vey! I almost just didn't even go because I was so angry and frantic.

My professor for lab just happens to be the professor I have for the lecture I went to earlier in the day. She came over to me, and my heart started pumping so hard and fast. She leaned over and whispered, "You can come into my office tomorrow and retake that quiz." Let me tell you, those were such sweet words along with the cop just letting me off with a warning. I wasn't even worried about the quiz anymore, I didn't care at that point because it was already definitive for me, I missed the quiz and I'll just take a zero. I was also sure that I was going to get a ticket today. Instead, G-d had different plans for me with both of those. He gave the cop and my professor grace for me and allowed my day to be awful, but completely within His control. It was definitely a lesson in time management, anger, forgiveness, grace, and trust.

I would really like to go to bed now because I'm exhausted from having such a stressful day, but I have a million things due tomorrow so I had better get to work. C'est la vie, non? (FYI: "non" is how you spell and say "no" in French, it is pronounced just like our "no")

Successful Day

After receiving the call from work at about 3 this morning, I slept in nice and late (for me). I studied a bit, spent some time with my brother, watched another episode of my favorite show and then went to work. Now, work was good and bad. The good part was that I only had to work 5 1/2 hours. The bad part was that everyone was so uncooperative! Goodness, it took me 30-45 minutes to help change one lady into her pajamas and she only let me change her pants. Plus, she asks "huh?" after everything that you say even though she can hear just fine. It's like an automated response to everything. Man, I was getting so frustrated having to repeat everything and having the most nonsensical conversation I think I have ever had in my life. Guys, I don't know how much longer I can stay at this job. For my first CNA job I think it's gone pretty well but I am so burnt out at this place. They pay way less than hospitals or even other facilities but they are having us work with one of the most difficult populations (in my opinion). I have had so many days pleading with G-d to let me have a unit secretary job in the hospital or just any CNA job in the hospital. I would love to work in labor and delivery or in the NICU. I have even applied to tons of those positions because they are open in the hospitals right now but no one is calling me back. Oh well, G-d knows where I am supposed to be and for how long. If I knew how long I would be here I would either crawl into a hole and wait for death (not really, I'm being way overly dramatic) or I would cease productivity for my remaining days at work. I guess that's why G-d doesn't tell us His time frame for things, huh?

I was thinking about that on my way to work today. He allowed me to get into nursing school. Just a couple months ago I was asking for Him to tell me if I would get in or not. If He would have told me He would get me in, I probably wouldn't have worked so hard to pass the HESI with such a good score and I probably wouldn't have tried for all A's this last year. So, if He were to tell me when I would meet my husband and where, I would stop living and trusting Him to bring my husband and I together. Likewise, if I knew any of His future plans for me, and the time that He would fulfill those plans, I would stop doing anything because I know that His plans would be carried out. This is frustrating for me because I am nosy and like to have everything planned and understood. However, this is also very good because G-d is teaching me faith, trust, hope (which I really struggle with), patience, thanksgiving, and so many other lessons. For now, I will just have to let go of my frustration and learn to go with His flow. Someday I will be able to look back glad that life had all of the surprises He meant for me to experience.

Daily Thanksgiving: I do not have to work again until Sunday and work was not so bad that I outright quit... not yet. G-d keeps surprises for us so that we can learn a whole plethora of lessons with each of His provisions and blessings. Today I set up an interview for a job on campus for my work-study program. I interview on Friday and we will see if G-d wants me to work 2 jobs this next year. G-d is in control of life, which I am so grateful for because I mess mine up all the time and I'm not even the boss!

Failed My Test

Okay, I am not completely sure that I totally failed my chem test, but I just took it and I am 98% sure I legitimately failed the test. I did the study guide but half the stuff my teacher asked about wasn't even on the study guide!!! Why? She says everything that will be on the test will be on the study guide, but that's not the case. I miss my old teacher. She gave us huge study packets and actually talked about chemistry in a language I understood. I should have stayed with her. Also, I should have kept my original A&P Lab time because I am not pleased with my current lab instructor, who is also different than last semester. I am just regretting so many life decisions, you have no idea.

I'll keep you guys updated about my test grade, I get it back tonight or tomorrow...

On a brighter subject, I got a 97% on my English paper so that cheered me up, until I took my test. So, I was in a good mood for all of 8 hours (and I was asleep most of those 8 hours).


Why did I have to make such foolish decisions about everything in my life!?!

By the way, I called home last night because I was about to lose it. Then I let it slip that my depression is coming back and my anxiety is getting much worse. Talk about freaking your parents out! I took it back right away and told my mom I was good, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't believe me. That poor woman, and my poor dad are always having to reassure me that life is alright. I feel bad for making them worry, but it just slipped out. I need to learn how to fix my depression and anxiety so that this doesn't keep happening because right now it is so bad, I am actually physically sick. I will likely live, it's nothing big, but I get so frustrated because I cannot figure out how to control this nonsense! Then that just makes matters worse and it's a cycle that keeps getting increasingly more difficult and problematic. Maybe I have bi-polar disorder... Or maybe I'm just a hypochondriac...

Turnaround

I'm sorry to start on a negative note, but my day was terrible. For some reason I had the bright idea to work on a Friday along with my normal Sunday shift. Note to self: NEVER DO IT AGAIN!!! First of all, I was on the behavior unit which means there are a bunch of people who do not speak English or they wander or they need a lot of attention. Second, the CNA working with me was having a life crisis and was not there for the majority of the day. Needless to say, one new girl with 15-16 residents - who require a lot more work than two people can handle - was not a good situation. I am totally fine with people needing to be gone to talk or take care of business or whatever, but I need someone else there with me! I was just a bit frazzled.

This story ends well I promise...

Anyway, I come home and was expecting to go play outside. Yes, I am a college student who goes to play outside with her friends (for the third consecutive night in a row). But they were not playing outside, so I texted my friend. Somehow I end up going to a friend's room and asked him for a hug because I had such a bad day. He thinks I'm nuts because I always fight it when he tries to give me a hug because I do not like being touched or close to people. So he gives me a hug (and will not stop talking about it with everyone because it is so out of my character) and I feel better. I actually feel great! We got a big group of friends together and played volleyball outside and I got to chatter on about all the random stuff that popped into my head. This too is uncommon for me, usually I am super quiet. So my day ended well.

I don't know what is happening to me though! I lived in a suite with three other girls and always wanted to be alone. Then, when I moved, I was totally content only seeing my friends for meals, well, just for dinner. Now, all of a sudden, I crave human interaction on a very steady basis. This is driving me nuts because I don't get anything done! I guess I am just going to have to develop a balance between almost living with my friends and getting schoolwork done when I don't have to work. Gosh, this is going to be tough...

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful for my friend's hug, volleyball, a warm day without direct sun contact making playing ball easier, the CNA's that worked with me today, the fact that I have a job (a CNA job), and for my car.

Shabbat Shalom everyone! I even said it at the right time this time!!!

Oh golly, I forgot to tell you I made a new friend at work. He is studying to be a pastor and working in the food service area of the facility. We met at orientation and he is super nice. It's a wonder I make friends with how timid and awkward I am, but G-d provides companionship regardless of how silly I am.