Open Letter to Best Friend

Dear Best Friend,

I recently texted you after 3 months of not talking (my decision). The text was a looooooong apology. I apologized for mixed signals, not sticking to my boundaries, for not being a good friend when you've been so supportive in the past. I told you I have missed you and I have missed having my "best friend" around in a time of great need. The apologies were many, and long, and heartfelt.

What did you text back? You told me you didn't know what to say but that you've missed me too. Then, you gave me a rundown of your last 3 months of life.

I can appreciate that. I can understand wanting to move on and pretend like nothing happened. I get it, I'm not dumb. Plus, I know how guys work and how your brain works because I've studied guys and I know you. I've been around you and talking with you about the deep things of life for 5+ years. I figured you out. You tell me that all the time.

You then proceeded to make jokes and say "we should do it again" and referred to it as "a night of fun". That's when I went from disappointed that you didn't feel the need to acknowledge my pain from the apologies, to beyond angry and my blood went boiling. You had the nerve to shove it in my face that something that has caused me so much pain did, in fact, happen. And then you're going to minimize it and make me feel cheap by calling it a "night of fun" and say that we should "do it again" since we probably won't have a friendship the way we had before.

Fuck you.

I cried in your car. I have explained to you how much this hurt me. I have told you that I don't remember a cursed thing about that night and that I was upset with the decisions you made against my wished and my plans. And you want to make jokes at my expense and expect me to not be upset?!? No. No. No. No. NO.

I don't know why I feel the need to apologize over and over. I don't understand it myself. Probably some disfunction that I also feel the need to compulsively apologize for.

When you begin texting me, like nothing has changed, and I come up with the idea that we stop talking again, don't be surprised. Don't be upset, don't expect anything less. There's a good chance I'm just going to block you again without saying anything. I've tried the friends thing. I've tried to move on, and you make jokes at my expense. You ignored my boundaries. You continued to push me after I was already crying, hyperventilating, and freaking out. It was enough to even freak you out. You took advantage of someone who you knew was already hurting and who had been very clear. You broke my very fragile trust and then decided that I am not worth the dirt on your shoes. I mean nothing to you. I can take the hint.

Foolish me believed that you had my best interest in mind. I was dumb enough to believe that I could forgive and move past and that you would be sensitive to my hurting that I fucking spelled out for you.

Man alive, I'm such an idiot sometimes.

I hope you have a nice life.

Signed,
A girl trying to allow G-d to make Beauty from these Ashes

My Heart Breaks

I stumbled upon this blog, and it hits close to home. This young lady lost her husband in a car wreck that she was present during.

Her post about Job is something that I very much relate to. I did not lose a husband, but the thoughts of suffering, grief, pain, and the roller coaster that is present after trauma is very much in line with revelations that were made to me in the aftermath of my traumas. I remember reading Job after I broke up with exfiance. Of all the times I had read it before my two years of hellish life events, I never understood how Job could continue to love the L-rd, how he could be so grief stricken one moment, and yet defend the L-rd. Having lived through the shit I've somehow survived, it somehow makes a little bit more sense now. I've been to the place where I was in so much pain I was praying the L-rd just end my suffering. Let's be real, I still have a few days like that here and there. I have been to the point of not caring, of being so broken and hopeless that I was sure life couldn't get worse, and then it did. Yet, I believe the L-rd brought me through. I have no idea why. Why this was my lot in life and why certain people experience things while others don't.

However, I have met so many people that simply don't understand how to be empathetic. They sing worship songs about suffering, sadness, loneliness, and pain, but it means something different to them than it does to me. I know this because of how they talk about the songs and also because I used to be there. The songs about suffering and loss used to remind me of wanting a boyfriend, losing belongings, or otherwise being sad that I was not handed all of my wants and desires on a silver platter. Now, having been through the events that put me here today, these songs remind me of the horrors I have endured and how I am still standing. Songs of salvation, forgiveness, love, and redemption bring me still that sting of intense pain (and typically a lot of tears), but also a sweeter peace than I knew before. I know the L-rd in ways I never thought imaginable and through it all, I feel like I know who I am just a little bit better. I praise the L-rd that many people do not understand this shift I am talking of, and I don't hold it against anyone because I don't want anyone to have to suffer in order to understand what I feel. But I am so very glad that despite the evils done to me, there is some hope and some type of silver lining to the brokenness and struggle of my life.



Please visit Ms. Murri's blog here and her other one here (though it only has a couple of posts). She's a great writer and doesn't ramble on like some people we know *cough, cough, wink, wink (me...)*

Ridiculously Stupid Cycle

Guys, I'm freaking out today. I was doing okay for the first time a couple days ago and now I'm headed back into the sad part of my cycle. I'm freaking out because I'm terrified I have an STD.

I know, I shouldn't be worrying and then refuse to go get tested. Thing is, I didn't want the contact that spreads STDs. It wasn't my choice. I could choose for the guys to have protection. I didn't choose any of it. That makes me angry. If I had a choice in any part of the matter at all, then I wouldn't be in this predicament.

I'm angry because I didn't get a choice. I'm angry because if I do have one, then I feel like my life is over because I don't want a husband to get it, if I have anything, and I damn sure don't want kids to get it. So then marriage and children are out of the picture for me.

That was my nightmare last night. That I had an STD.

I know I should go get tested but I'm terrified that it will be the end of my life and dreams.



I'm hoping I can just get to counseling tomorrow. I look forward to having it twice a week because I'm not doing well going so far out between sessions. I feel better the first few days and then I start sinking again about mid-way through the week once it gets to about Thursday or Friday and then my weekends are shit.

On a positive note, I got a snow day today. I really needed it. I'm just hoping I get to start clinicals tomorrow because it'll be the first day of OB clinicals and I'm on the Mom/Baby floor. Yay!

Life Lessons Learned

I was reading my devotions and praying the other night, when the L-rd gave me an epiphany: closed doors, missed chances, failed relationships, opportunities that go awry, and all the other things that don't go our way in life are actually the L-rd guiding us. Through these things, He also shows us how bad a situation could be so that we learn from that, then He typically gives us what He had planned for us all along. By letting us see the bad before giving us good, He lets us understand why we need to be grateful for all that happens to us.

Growing up, I shared a bedroom with my brother until I had finished 4th grade and he had finished 3rd in a very small, 2-bedroom apartment. My mom used to pray with us on the way to school each day and ask the L-rd that He would keep our family from becoming complacent and taking our blessings for granted. We lived in an apartment while both of my parents worked several jobs so that they could send us to a Christian school and pay our tuition. We ended up moving into a house where my brother and I got our own rooms and then we had to go to a public school. That made me appreciate the house much more and being blessed to be able to go to a Christian school for several years. Thank you L-rd for these things!

At the beginning of this last summer, my old roommate told me she didn't want to live with me, but gave me no explanation and didn't talk to me while I was in another state with Mema. So, I scrambled, looking for an apartment on short notice. I was used to paying about $700-$750 a month for my rent and bills. I texted my current roommate and she offered to let me live with her and she told me she was freaking out about finding someone but that I texted and asked about it at the exact perfect time. After praying about wanting to pay about $500, she asked how much I was willing to pay. I told her about $700 was typical for me so I could do the $700. She came back and said she could only afford $500 and her parents were okay with both of us paying that little while they picked up the rest of the bills! Oh my gosh! So, even though I had a huge falling out with ex-roommate and her family, the L-rd blessed me and showed me that they are not company that I should have been keeping anyway. This falling out happened just after I broke up with EXboyfriend because he had raped me... so it's way better this way. That is only visible in hindsight though, I was devastated at the time!

I had a NICU job opportunity as a CNA awhile ago and my initial plans didn't match up with their needs so they passed on me, but then my plans changed to something that would have totally worked out for them. However, it was too late by that point. Shortly after that, I got my job as a CNA in the float pool. G-d allowed me to see real-life what we were learning about in class each time I went to work and allowed me to get better grades and a better understanding by these hands-on experiences. I also got to meet so many nurses on each floor and I feel like the most popular person when I show up to work because I have so many people stopping me and saying high to me at school, clinicals, and at work because of this job. I love it!

My relationships ending have shown me that I am worth much more than what I typically settle for with people. I pray that the L-rd has someone for me who is sweet, patient, forgiving, able to be a voice of reason for me, and able to handle my many hypomanic and depressive cycles... That's the true test. He needs to be accepted by my family and friends and not push my boundaries like every guy has tried to before.

Here's to hoping for and expecting the L-rd to work absolutely incredible miracles in my life after I ran myself deep into the ground with too many mistakes to count and too much brokenness to measure. Here's to thanking the L-rd for Divine Interventions in my life, even when things seem to be going well, because He can see past people's fake facades and their attempts at manipulating me. Praise the L-rd for keeping me!

What are you grateful for? What things in your life have not ended up how you wanted/expected, only for the L-rd to show you something so much better? What are you asking Him for today? More importantly, what are you thanking Him for?

I'm Over It, So It's Over

*****Warning: improper language and graphic stories follow. Proceed with caution!*****

I broke up with fiance... again.

Yes, we did just get "engaged" for the third(?) time, and he just had a birthday. However, when you are over it, you are over it. I, if you haven't guessed, am over it. But wait! It gets better.

For months now I have been probing fiance about different subjects. Some stuff he will give straight answers to, some he will not. In fact, most of his past remains in the dark for me because he won't talk to me about it. He says it brings back bad memories. Well, no shit. For a lot of people, the past brings up bad memories, but the fact that you told me your wife died on date #2 and you refuse more and more to talk about her anymore is worrisome. Plus, I think you're lying about her being dead. I think you just had a tough break up and that was it. I don't believe she is actually dead because your story keeps changing and I found a girl on Facebook with her same fucking name and she is still posting as of New Year's Eve, but she was supposed to have died in 2013. Ya, okay buddy.

I broke up with him the day after his real birthday and a few days after his birthday dinner/public proposal (a.k.a. proposal #3). This also happened to be the day before Exboyfriend's birthday and a few days before Christmas. So, he was having a shitty Christmas week.

Despite having broken up with him then, we talked nearly every day through texting and also calls to each other each night or every other night. I didn't want this, but he keeps going on an on about how he can't live without me. Bullshit.

He ended up spending New Year's Eve with me, then New Year's Day and the night after. 2 nights and about 2.5 days together. We were doing well. He took me out to eat and he actually talked to me instead of being on his phone like he normally had been while we had been dating. He was being sweeter. But as New Year's Eve night went on, he went from not kissing me (as I had requested) and keeping his hands to designated "safe" areas on my body, to kissing me whenever the hell he felt like it and allowing his hands to wander again. In mere fucking hours people!

He keeps telling me he's changed and that he's trying to keep me happy, but it's all bullshit. There's no frickin' way he's actually changing because he reverts back to not respecting me nor my body within minutes of seeing me in person. He tells me it's just because I turn him on and then he's not responsible for his actions. So what? I'm supposed to live with being continually raped and assaulted for the rest of my fucking life? HELL NO! I will not be treated that way.

While he was over, he told me we "had sex 14 times". Funny thing is, I don't recall consenting to those. A few of the times he coerced me and yelled at me until I gave in. The rest of the times he took off my pants, even though I told him no repeatedly, then he played with himself and played with me and then he would get on top saying he wouldn't go in. Then he would proceed to invade me body because he "couldn't control himself". Alright fucker, maybe I can't control my fingers calling the fucking police and getting you arrested. Oops, wouldn't that be a shame?

I've tried to break up with him 4 times now. The first time he yelled at me and asked if that was really what I wanted, especially after he had just handed over $9000 for an engagement ring. The second time was when I asked for a break and he said that means breaking up but then we agreed to not speak for about a month or two and then he broke that within about 6 hours. The next time, we broke up, we still talked and he went out drinking three nights in a row. Typically driving to my place to "talk" after he was black out drunk and definitely not in a safe mental capacity to be driving. Then we got back together on day 3-4 with him promising to be better and work on us. This time, I'm fucking over it.

You know what he told me yesterday? The first ring was fake. I had called him out on it the first time I tried to break up with him. I told him it had CZ stamped on the inside (for cubic zirconium, which is a fake diamond). He told me that the guy at the jewelry store must have lied to him then because he had paid $9000. I asked where he got it from and he told me a jewelry store downtown next to 7-11 (gas station). Curious, I called around asking if anyone had sold to fiance. None of them had. Red flag! However, I ignored it and didn't press the matter further with fiance so as to not piss him off. That ring was then stolen when he was up at work, but he didn't seem too upset about it. He had it in his truck because he was going to get it resized, so he said. He had had my ring for about 4-5 months though, saying the whole time he just hadn't gotten around to it yet. Whatever.

When he proposed at his birthday dinner, however, it was with a different ring. This time, he made a point to keep it in a box with the name of the jewelry store's name on it and showed me the online ad for it. Yesterday, after I asked him what the real deal with the different rings were, he finally told me the truth. Apparently he wanted to marry me right away because he supposedly loved me so much then. However, he found a ring for $9000 and couldn't afford it right then. So, he went to fucking Walmart and bought a $200 fake ring in hopes that he could trade it out for a real one once he got the money to afford the one he wanted to get me. He said I "deserve the biggest rock in the world but he didn't have the money at the time and he didn't think I would notice." Well asshole, date someone dumber than me then! Unfortunately for you, I am significantly smarter than I look and I pay attention to details.

I yelled at him for nearly 20 minutes last night telling him that he should have been honest about everything upfront, he should have saved money to buy me a decent ring instead of half-assing it and getting me a fake one while he throws thousands down to buy himself a new truck and all the trimmings to make it look cool. I also yelled at him for manipulating me with that fake fucking ring telling me it cost thousands of dollars when it absolutely didn't, then he brought that up when we fought after the first break-up attempt. He manipulated me the entire 8 months and I'm letting him have it now. I'm no longer holding back because I have been shaken and devastated by the way he just walked all over me, ruined me, took advantage of me and used my body however he wanted to. I'm angry that I didn't have the strength to walk away the first time I wanted to because then it would have only been a couple of time of abuse/assault/rape instead of now 14 or more times.

Wow, I'm such an idiot. I knew that something as wrong, but I was bound and determined to give him a chance and try to make it work because I believed the best in him. All that did for me is run me into the ground, get me taken advantage of so many times I can't recall the last 8 months because I have blocked them from memory, and it ruined my plans of any kind of a happy life. Because of him and Exboyfriend, I have no desire to date, get married, or have children because nothing good has ever come from dating for me. Plus, I have seen nothing good come out of marriage in any of the relationships I am around.

I have a theory that the assholes (male or female) of the world have detectors and find the decent, or even wonderful, people of the world and they decide to take over the good people and enslave them in marriage. This burns out many of the good people and make the assholes look and feel like there is little to nothing wrong with them because they found love so they must be a catch. Now, is this true for everyone? Not likely. Am I jaded and cynical and ridiculously pissed off? Absolutely. Right now, life is the hardest it's been for me probably ever.

I had dreams of finding a guy, dating without kissing. Getting married and going into my marriage as a virgin. I had dreams of having children. Being a nurse while also raising children at home. Then proceeding on to a very happy life. All of my plans were destroyed in an instant. Exboyfriend and Exfiance both got kisses from me. Both attempted to steal my virginity and I think they have. I do not want to get married. I definitely don't want children because I'm terrified that what happened to me will happen to them. I see no happiness in the foreseeable future for me. Yes, G-d knows what will happen in my life, but if I were a guy, I wouldn't want me. I wouldn't want someone who was so stupid as to fall into getting raped by two guys. Not only that, the first guy raped me twice in a weekend because I was too dumb to leave when I had originally wanted to. Then the second guy raped me too many times to count and I just stayed with him hoping that he actually loved me and we would eventually work it out. I am a complete fucking moron and should not be desired by anyone. I have been ruined and crushed beyond human repair. If the L-rd repairs me, it's going to damn near require an entirely new inner me, a whole new body, and a complete memory wipe.

I'm so over it. I have never been so angry at myself or anyone else in my life. I told him to stop talking to me for at least a month, but I'm fixing to block his number and block him on Facebook so that he won't be able to reach me ever again. If I need to, I'm about ready to get a fucking restraining order if I ever see him show up at my house.

Best thing yet, I have dealt with all of these things on my own for months because my friends and family have been pushed away by him and I was too stupid to see that. So, now I'm completely on my own and so very angry.

In the midst of my anger last night, about 20 minutes after fiance confessed about the stupid ring lies he told me, I heard a whisper in my heart to forgive. I got a few moments of peace after that, but I couldn't sleep last night and my anger has returned fresh this morning and stuck around me all day. I don't know how I'll survive this.

Living with Regret

At one point or another, we all do something we regret. It could be taking a candy bar from the store, saying something that ends up hurting someone else, or going back on a personal promise made to G-d. I think I've done them all, but the last one is really getting to me. I kissed a boy before my wedding day.

Now, this isn't really a big deal. It was just a kiss and it's not like I dropped my pants and gave the guy my everything. Even then, it wouldn't be the end of the world. So why am I losing sleep over this small act? Why is it that I can have a lovely weekend with the boy, kissing him every once in awhile, and think nothing of it while I'm with him. Yet, as soon as I get in the car, my heart sinks to the floor and I am left with this nagging pain in my gut. I am faced with a whisper saying that I gave my first kiss away because I wasn't strong enough to maintain my boundaries. This is the voice of the enemy, but I cannot silence him because I have strayed from the L-rd. I have wandered outside of His flock in search of a love that only He can give and now I've given a piece of myself that I was saving for my husband.

No doubt the L-rd forgives. L-rd willing, my future husband will forgive me as well. Still, I cannot help but wish I could go back in the past and change that moment. Go back and not have given it away. But alas, G-d allows us to learn from our mistakes and move forward into the next set of mistakes. We are blessed to have a teaching G-d who also forgives when we mess up. Now I just wonder how to fix this. I don't know if I can.

My fear is of breaking hearts. I am terrified that life will become awkward and difficult in my small town situation with my life so intertwined with his. This is why I don't date, I can't handle hurting anyone else so I stay even if I hurt in the process.

I have to confess that I almost started cutting the other night. This is not healthy. I didn't do it, but the urge was stronger than I've felt since before my extremely rough season in 8th grade. My nausea and dizziness have resurfaced and my happiness (not joy, just superficial happiness) has disappeared. In it's wake, I am left hurting and scared. This happiness was just a momentary false front from the excitement that a boy was showing interest in me. I should not be depending on this in order to feel wanted, but I fell for it again. (P.S. I talked to Boyfriend and Beauty about the cutting ideations. I'm not going down that road again.)

What I Wish I Could Say

Last night was awful. I'm talking the worst night I have ever had at work since I have been at the hospital.

I went into the patient's room and as I was getting report, within the first 15 minutes of my shift, I had already gotten assaulted and we had to call security. We had 3 security guards, 2 CNA's, and the nurse in the room trying to get the patient calmed down and some meds that are stronger than Ativan. It starts with a G but I can't remember what it is. Oh, but it got so much worse. As the night went on I kept reminding him that he needed to stay in bed because he can't walk and so he kept requesting to talk to my supervisor (the nurse). I finally called the nurse in and the patient was super pleasant and rambling on and on about how he "told me so" about this, that, and the other. He hadn't even mentioned any of that before the nurse came in. At about 0200 he started with the personal attacks because I still wasn't letting him out of bed. He told me that I don't understand what it's like to be an adult because I'm just some little girl who is living off of "mommy and daddy's money". He could not have chosen a worse thing to say to me and I couldn't do anything about it.

I wanted to tell him that the only reason I was there is because I work so that I can live on my own. My parents pay for nothing because they can't afford it. I am working my way through college by wiping adult butts and being attacked on a regular/weekly basis by patients because that's my job. I wanted to tell him that I wish I could let him walk and I wish that I wasn't there either because that's not how I would chose to spend a Sunday night, especially when I have school the next day. But I can't. Because he's a patient. I do apologize for whining but I am so sick of going to work and being attacked every night! I understand that they are sick but why does that make it acceptable for them to be so mean. I think the things that he said to me (and he said much, much more) are probably the MEANEST things anyone has ever said to me. I should shake it off but I just can't right now.

Everybody and their mother is trying to set me up because I'm not enough on my own. I wish I could tell them to go pound sand. I wish I could share all of the things in my life that I am still trying to heal from that make me believe that I am unworthy of love from anyone beside those obligated to love me because of blood and genetics. I wish I could tell them that I feel like a failure because I couldn't make it work with Best Friend and yet I wish I had never "gone out" with him in the first place. I wish I could tell them that I want a relationship and I want to be a wife and a mother, but I am scared to death that I am not good enough. I am terrified that a guy would say, "ya, okay" to marrying me and then decide that I wasn't worth it. Yet, I am frightened of living the rest of my life alone. I want someone to understand that being in this weird area of not wanting to be alone but being apprehensive of a relationship is also driving me insane.

My brother keeps blowing me off so he can hang out with his girlfriend and other friends. I figured he would get into a relationship eventually and I am happy for him, but he bends over backwards to hang out with everyone but me. I offered to buy him lunch so that I could hang out with him because I was really sad and lonely. He agreed to come over, if I agreed to buy. After we got it all situated he asked if he could bring a friend. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?! I wish I would have told him its frustrating that he doesn't try to hang out with me but he gets mad when I don't come hang out with him. I am truly glad that he has a girlfriend he really likes and a bunch of friends. Why would it seem okay to invite a friend to lunch after I had already agreed to pay? Does he think I'm made of money? I wish I could tell him it's frustrating to love him so much when he doesn't seem to care what I'm doing as long as it either doesn't effect him negatively or it benefits him. I want to tell him I miss him and I... I... I don't know. I think I'm hanging on to something that I won't ever be able to get back.

Today, I wish I could go back and talk to the people who scarred me for life. I wish I could show them the pain they've caused collectively and the long-lasting damage they cause to people's lives. I wish that I could prevent anyone else from ever being called fat, ugly, stupid, or any other mean thing people come up with. When we're kids, we don't understand that one simple name will stick with others for the rest of their lives. These words are thorns in our sides. It just takes one, but the more you accumulate the more you start to believe everyone else around you, even if you don't want to. If only time travel existed. If only people could just be nice to each other!

I want to talk to someone who understand what I want to say when no words are forthcoming because there is so much I want to say but there is no way for me to express it. I praise the L-rd that He made me independent and He provides ways for me to be able to go to school and have stuff paid for so that I am able to survive without my parents having to pay for everything because I definitely do not do this of my own power.

Most Fascinating Lunch

I was able to go out to lunch with a very dear friend of mine today. She and I were nearly inseparable from Best Friend and his roommate freshman year. Last year us girls and the guys hit a bit of a rough patch and then Best Friend and I decided to "try" the "going out" thing. If you recall, that did not go well.

Today at lunch I got a bit of a shock. Okay, a complete and total mind blowing load of information was dumped on me at lunch. Are you ready for this? Seriously, prepare yourself.

Anyway, after I broke up with Best Friend, turns out that he started hanging out with my gal friend a lot. That was not normal. What was unusual, however, is that he started sitting closer to her. Started cuddling. He gave her her first kiss. They made out on a few occasions. He grabbed her butt. Etc. Etc. Etc. She asked him if they were now more than friends because of the intimate moments they shared (as explained above). He told her they were only friends. Odd friends because they kissed, but he maintained that they were just friends. She was so hurt. She didn't want more than that in a relationship but she felt like a booty call because he would come over late at night just to make out with her and lay with her on the couch.

Ya, that bit of information infuriated me. The fact that she didn't tell me earlier so that I could help her get out of that unhealthy relationship made me hurt deeply for her.

After doing that to her, he moved onto another friend of mine. They had plans to go to a concert and even bought their tickets. Several months later, and only about a week before the concert, he texted her asking if it was okay if he brought his girlfriend along. She was crushed because she thought that concert was going to be a date with him. She had also just gotten over a really bad break-up and she trusted him.

My anger is mounting even as I relive this story.

Who knows how many other girls he went through before finding his current girlfriend. Who knows what he really wanted with me to begin with because what he told me is very, very different than what he has been doing. I thought I could trust him but it was all a big sham.

The kicker? I feel like another friend died because the Best Friend that I felt so close to and shared everything with was nothing like this new person in his same body. I thought it was bad enough that I just didn't have him in my life anymore but this feels worse, somehow. Like my experience with him was fake or an act. Maybe it was a dream and I didn't really live through what I thought I lived through.

Lunch was enlightening, infuriating, and heart breaking all at the same time. It was good to catch up with my good pal, but I wished people would tell me these things so that I could help them!!! I could have done something! I could have counseled her through this! I could have prevented her from giving him her first kiss. Praise the L-rd I did not give him mine.

Love Stories and Princess Movies

Growing up I was never really shown the princess movies or love story movies. I was not read those types of books and I was mostly unaware of what normal girls are raised with as far as the fairy tale ending of life is concerned.








Instead, I grew up with toy trucks, remote control cars, guns, Bible stories, Lincoln Logs, and dirt bikes. I was raised by a tom boy and my dad to be a very independent, strong-willed, surprisingly quiet-spirited tom boy.

Since I did not have a whole lot of exposure to these girly things, they hit me like a ton of bricks when I was about ten and I got a friend who was all sorts of girly. Goodness me!

At first it didn't seem to be a big deal. We had sleepovers just about every weekend. We watched movies, talked about boys, did our nails, and sometimes we fought. I was so unused to all of those things but they seemed normal because that's what I had seen on t.v.

As time has gone on, I have noticed a pattern within myself after watching/reading these girly happily ever after stories. When I first begin watching them or reading the books, I will be happy. They make me feel good. Somehow, they give me "hope" that I will have a future filled with love and some sweet guy that sweeps me off my feet and life goes about merrily and everyone lives "happily ever after". Give me 2 weeks max of being okay with these types of books and movies and then cynicism hits hard. I start picking out the flaws in their plots. My eyes roll uncontrollably when the guy does something sweet or when life ends up just perfect for those stupid fictional characters while my friend's husband dies a week after their 2nd wedding anniversary or I get mad because nobody hit on me at a dance after I had worked so hard to look as pretty as I will ever get. About a week of that and I become flat out angry. 2-7 days after the angry phase and depression hits. Whether this is from the stories or from me now having to be in school and the sun staying in the sky for much shorter periods of time, I don't know. I just know that signs of the beginning of my depression spells are coming and they are hitting really hard and really fast.

Most of all, I think I did this to myself. I know I should not watch these movies and read these stories because I get like this every time. I figured I would "treat" myself over the summer so that I could read instead of sit on the couch and run out of Netflix binge opportunities because I have seen them all already... But I know how I get every time.

I always think, "maybe this will be the year that I can just leave the fiction in the fictional world and be able to separate if from my real-life." Every year I prove myself wrong. I start dreaming of guys and making my Pinterest boards of my fantasy wedding and dates that I would like to go on, but they don't come.

I did however start to develop my first crush since Country Boy died and I broke up with Best Friend (although that still doesn't seem totally real to me). This crush can't last though. I'm too old for him and I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm a ditz. Mostly because I am... But I'm really smart! I promise!!! My brain just completely shuts off when I don't have to be constantly thinking and then my brain doesn't shut my mouth off so I just say the dumbest things and can't stop. It's really embarrassing, especially in front of country boys because I'm not some city girl but I wasn't raised in the country either. I say I was raised country in the city, but that just means I don't belong in either place. Like the not Jewish but not really Christian thing because I'm Messianic. Or the not fully girl because I act like a boy but I have those two darn X chromosomes instead of an X and a Y.

I think I'm having a mild identity crisis along with my worsening depression symptoms... Good news I am doing my mental health rotation this semester. Also, I have learned that I should have been hospitalized several times due to my symptoms and behaviors but I'm super good at hiding stuff so nobody was able to do anything to help me. Praise the L-rd for allowing me to live through what legitimately should have killed me. I'm finding my way back to him but life is getting even harder and I didn't think that would be possible after losing my brother (to him being stupid and moving out), me breaking my best friend, and then my friend killing himself. So, I keep saying the same things over and over here but nothing changes. I keep telling people I'm "good" or "fine" but that's because I don't want to burden them or make them worry. I lie but I got myself into this hole.

Saw this video on Facebook the other day and it's actually a really decent depiction of some of the struggles depression causes. So, if you have a spare moment, go ahead and watch this: Depression Video.

Healing at Random

Months after Country Boy's death and my subsequent daily breakdowns for a couple of months, G-d has been showing me how far the grieving has come in the most random ways. Yes, I am still heart-broken that it happened and I am selfishly mad that he left, but I've come a long way.

Today while catching up on some of my favorite blogs, I came across this article by Shepherd of the Gurneys. He then added a link to Eat, Think, and Be Merry's article, "A Perspective on Suicide." Needless to say, it brought tears to my eyes and my heart is currently feeling a bit bruised, but I'm reminded that G-d has brought me so very far. He also has the mercy to give me a heart that still cares and can still be broken, though. Even though it sucks right now, I'm glad that I can feel sad and be able to mourn the death of a young man I had just barely met.

I encourage you to read the article linked above. One quote says, "Suicide was not a choice he made, but rather a choice he happened onto when his pain was greater than his ability to cope." How fitting for CB. Unfortunately, I am still under the impression that I may have been a slight adage to the pain, but I don't think it was my fault.

I'm gonna go grab some tissues...

Crazy, Insane Weekend

Folks, there are awkward families... and then there is mine.

• My great-grandpa does not know my name, but he yelled at me for not knowing his though he makes no effort to be in my life when I was about 12.
• My Grandma yelled at my brother and I when we were about 3-4 for asking for a penny to get a gumball from her decorative gumball dispenser while simultaneously giving pennies to our cousins.
• My uncle did not know my name yesterday and I'm 20. He has seen me multiple times over the course of my life. In fact, my parents used to rent an apartment from him for the first 9 years of my life and he would come for visits.
• My mom's sister is cool and her youngest is buddies with my brother and I. Her oldest and her husband hardly say 2 words to my mom, my brother, or myself. 
• My Grandpa did not recognize my mom because he has not seen her in nearly 8 years. Though I do not blame him for this because my Grandma is abusive and so my mom chooses to not see her mom (Grandma) which means she cannot see her dad (Grandpa).
• Grandpa has been saving the birthday and Christmas money from the past decade of our lives because he sends money to all the other grandkids. As he was walking over to give it to my brother and I, my Grandma takes it from him and acts as though it was her idea. Lady, I saw him pull it out of his pocket and I saw you snatch it from his hands!!!

What is so mind-boggling to me, however, is that I love them regardless. It's this deep kind of love that I had not been aware of until driving home, unable to catch my breath between legitimate sobs. Despite the hours I have cried at night over them and their words to me, I love them. Although they don't know my name (after having been their niece/grandchild for 20+ years), I still love them. Forget the fact that they blame me for not knowing them even though I have not had transportation or contact from them for most of my life, I still love them. Why? Why is is that I can have such overwhelming love for these people that do not love me back? How can I continue to love them even though it causes me so much grief that I was crying on the drive back home last night? It wasn't even a few tears, it was wails from the deepest part of my gut because I was in such pain. Why do I have the capacity to love these people and I cannot even love myself?

Besides all that, my brother dropped a few bombs on me about his own life that have re-stimulated my persistent nausea r/t stress and complete disbelief that this is now what his life has become. Plus, I have been getting super dizzy spells, so that's a bonus. I think it may be orthostatic hypotension caused by possible dehydration and electrolyte imbalances, but it's a wonder I can keep anything down at all with my stomach always in knots anymore.

My cousin is having a baby with his girlfriend. He just graduated high school... His older sister is fixin' to get married come July and just announced that she has been expecting for about 3 months and is due in January. They have another older sister who is just chillin'.

My summer went from me being on top of the world for about a week and a half to being down deeper than the deepest pits in the World. G-d has it all in His hand, I believe that. Goodness, though, it seemed to have all hit me at the exact same time though.

Tomorrow I want to tell you about my good day though! So, stay tuned for that. I promise, G-d blesses me incredibly, sometimes it's just more pronounced once you understand the struggles and obstacles that cross my path. I want you guys to see all of my life, even these really ugly parts because they all make me who I am and they are all tools G-d uses to shape me. Also, I got a new roommate and I'm so beyond stoked about her. She needs a whole blog about her, that's how amazing and excited I am about this rooming situation! Plus, it is totally a work of G-d. You'll see once I tell y'all the story of how it came to be.

Daily Thanksgiving: My day was exponentially better than I anticipated and I got to work with my favorite CNA! G-d is not through with me even though I have been a wayward child. 

Facebook Official

My relationship was never Facebook Official. I wanted to spare us both the drama associated with the relationship change status updates that everyone and their mothers get at the announcement of the relationship beginning and end. Plus, I knew in my heart that I was going against G-d's plan and that we probably wouldn't stick together to marriage. However, Best Friend (now also ex-boyfriend) has taken to posting on social media about wounds not healing, time needed to sort through broken hearts, and a million other things leading everyone to believe he was crushed.

I feel like the biggest jerk in the world because I get to read this knowing I broke my best friend. So there's that.

Personally, I don't post much to social media because I'm not that interesting, I don't have witty comments, and people need to not be bothering themselves with my business. Yes, I am a huge hypocrite because I post everything on this blog that should be making it into my diary, if I had one. However, you people do not really know who I am or where I come from so this is almost like a diary. Also, this blog was supposed to be about nursing school and I was meaning to give you the scoop on things that I questioned that nobody seemed to write about. Now that I'm in nursing school, all the little tidbits I was curious about have escaped my mind and I don't know what it is that you may/may not need to know. Not to mention, nursing school is rough and I haven't gotten super close to people. Don't get me wrong, I have friends, but I am not really connecting to any of them very strongly. So, I come on here and pretend that y'all are my bestest friends in the whole world and I imagine that you want to hear ever little dumb thought that passes through my head. The good news for you is that you don't have to read it if you don't want to :) That's pretty much a win-win because I think I have a bunch of close pals and you don't have to listen/read if you don't want to!



I love all y'all, but hey, I need some more friends...

In such a short time

In the short amount of time that I was "home" for Thanksgiving, re-experienced many things I vowed to not revisit anymore. They aren't big things, but still not pleasant.

The first was visiting my church of 10 years, the one I grew up in. It is also the one that "kicked" our family out because we had differing opinions. They actually didn't kick us out, they just put us down and refused to cease making fun of our ideas and findings while they took a man's word on what G-d means instead of talking to Him about it. If y'all haven't figured it out yet, I don't take too kindly to people raggin' on me when I can't fight back because I was 10 and all the old ladies were underestimating my ability to make my own decisions. Anyway, my brother was driving us and he decided to stop by the church. It was awkward. Only out old youth pastor was there, at first. For the initial 45 minutes that my brother and I were there, the youth pastor talked only to my brother (unless I interjected). It hurt, however, I did not cry or feel like crying after the visit. Normally I do because I suspected that he and his wife never cared for me and all of my past visits have confirmed this suspicion. I finally feel like I don't have to go back, nor do I want to go back ever again. This is healing and this is moving on with my life. No more focusing on the past and my hurt. I will learn from what has happened, but the bitterness is nearly gone and my experiences are allowing me to branch out to the outsiders that I encounter in my everyday life.

Also, I started reading for fun again! I love books. I read a whole book in a day. I also figured out how to get library books onto my iPad without ever leaving my house. What a beautiful invention! Someday, I hope that they increase the amount of ebooks online to be checked out from my local libraries because when I graduate and have some free time, I will likely go through all of them in a matter of months. Unfortunately, no books looked interesting except for romance novels. I have learned in the past that these make me quite bitter and angry for several months. Now, I should not be upset because G-d has protected my heart on so many occasions from being broken in frivolous relationships that would have clearly been dangerous. On the other hand, I tend to throw myself pity parties during/after reading these types of books because I find myself wanting that sort of attention. I want love and a guy to look at me and think: hey, I love this girl so much I want to spend the rest of my life with her. In reality, I think I want the assurance that there is someone committed to me and we pledge and make a binding contract to stay together. Does this really mean that we will live a long happy life married to only each other and be madly in love until we die in each others arms while sleeping one night because we are extremely old and G-d decides to take us home? (run-on, I know. They get worse as my thoughts begin to spill uninterrupted) Absolutely not. I have seen marriages with a firm foundation based on G-d be broken because of unexpected death or a poor decision to sleep with another person in a moment of inappropriate passion and bad judgement. I have witnessed the pain and total brokenness of families and the faces of distraught children over these matters. Marriages that were seen as the model for the church and were expected to go the distance have crumbled. Lives were shattered and pain is left with the rubble.

Having said all that, is it worth it to even desire marriage? I am a pessimist and an analyst. One of my many motto's is: Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. In order to prepare for the worst, I imagine and observe as many bad scenarios as possible so that I can formulate plans of action to avoid or weather the storms that will occur. So, I see the bad that can come from a situation and expect it. I plan for people taking advantage of me (in marriage, friendships, and everywhere). I assume that people get enough of me so that I don't push myself onto people to avoid them becoming burnt out with me. I try to avoid situations that can lead to pain and therefore often just stay at home and refuse human contact. Even still, I have this desire to have a boyfriend. Folks, if you are confused then I apologize, but this even has me at a loss for words. I want something but I don't want it all at the same time. It's like my "heart" and my head are having a war because I know dating is dangerous (logical reasoning from my head) but my heart is wanting to be loved and to feel butterflies and I want to see someone get tongue tied because they find me beautiful and worthy of their love and affection. I want a beau and a husband and children and a family of my own. Yet, the thought of this is terrifying because so much can go wrong.

I started journaling questions that I ask G-d. Recently it's regarding the purpose of marriage, the reason of life, what I am supposed to be doing, and my purpose. Also, why does the Bible mention things like David was handsome and Esther was the most beautiful woman in the land if it also tells us to not see a person's exterior as much as we focus on their actions and what those tell us about their heart? This started because I still have no idea of the purpose of marriage. I asked my friend, who is Catholic, what marriage means to her. She went on and on about how she wants the Cinderella charmed life. I told her that I felt G-d was telling me that there is more and that there is a deeper purpose. She refuted the idea and told me that I over-think everything. While this is true, I don't think I would have this nagging thought that there is something more if there is not something the Ruach Hakodesh (Holy Spirit) is trying to get me to understand. It's such a frustrating feeling but it's also good because I know that He is trying to talk to me and reveal something monumental to me. I'll keep you updated on what He shows me.

Well, enough procrastinating. I have to go start and finish my paper. Major writer's block for academic writings today.

I had a group presentation and it went really well today. We talked about euthanasia... Not a fun subject. My campus also closed down due to weather issues. We were hoping for a snow day all day because the roads were awful. All of a sudden, during other group presentations, someone announces randomly that school was cancelled! (We have a text message system through the school that alerts us of campus closings and everything.) Then they said that the snow day did not start until after our class finished about an hour later. Such disappointment!!! Anyway, I almost had a snow day and nearly got out of my group presentation. Unfortunately, it did not come in time. C'est la vie.

Marriage Study

As a follow-up to my "Personal News" post, I did a word study on marriage. Did it clarify anything about the purpose of marriage? No, not even a little bit. I have noticed, however, that G-d is bringing this topic up in all aspects of my life though. It's kinda strange, but it is also how I know that He is talking to me and He is laying it on my heart. I kinda wish I understood why I need to know so much about this subject, but that is still very unclear.

After independent study and a few Google searches, I have arrived at the point that marriage mainly does 3 things:

1. Provides community (more stable environment for child rearing, friendship, strength, love*, etc)
2. Allows for safe procreation (because who doesn't want little mini-me's running around? Having kids is like doing experiments to see what characteristics of each parent they get! I know that sounds bad, but I hope you admit that it is pretty cool seeing this thing grow in you/your wife and then you get to meet the kid and watch them grow up...)
3. It is a metaphor of Yeshua's love for His people (Jews and Gentiles alike who trust in Him)

Why? I still do not know and I likely will never fully understand. Unfortunately, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if it is right for me. I don't know that I am stable enough to be in a relationship or if I could weather life with another person. How do I know if the guy that dates me fore years and then proposes is the right person for me? Will there be regrets? Will we drive each other up the wall for the first few years or will we be that couple that is in Honeymoon phase for the first decade. Will I survive if he dies first? How will marriage affect my career? If I get married out of nursing school, should I go straight into midwifery school or should I wait and get settled as a nurse in case we have children? If I do wait on becoming a CNM, when would be the best time to go back to school? Where will we live? Will my parents be able to live long enough to see their grandkids? Will my puppy be able to meet them? (She is my current baby, but she's close to 8 or 9 right now...) Where will we live? Should we move to a state that does not require the stupid flu vaccine? Should we move to another country that is more CNM friendly? Ahhhhh! What does the future hold?

Forgive the minor meltdown there, live just isn't what I thought it would be. Do you ever have that experience? You know, something that you thought would be so cool isn't actually all that you thought it would be? I think I am doing that with marriage. I know that was the truth for getting into nursing school, getting my first car, buying my own computer, having a boy like me for the first time, etc. etc. etc. Nothing makes me as happy as I think it is going to make me. On the other hand, the only thing that truly makes me happy is G-d and then He makes me more happy than I ever expected. It makes me wish that I never would have watched t.v. ever, because then I would be able to experience life for myself without having these preconceived notions that something will be so great when it actually isn't in real life.

So, will I have regrets when I get married because I am thinking marriage will be some great thing? I'm not making it out to be a Cinderella story. Let's be real, that's not even my cup of tea. But will I be disappointed with what married life really is? I just want a friend that will be with me for a really long time. Lately, I have seen too many marriages end after 10-25 years because one spouse starts cheating, or they are abusive to the other, or someone's midlife crisis just gets control of them so they split. Will that be my story? Will I have to bear that burden? Would I even be able to survive?

Marriage is so much more than what they show in the movies and on t.v. I'm not even married and I am skeptical that it is something that I would be strong enough to do. Is this G-d telling me that I will never be married or is this Him getting me ready for the harsh reality that marriage is not all fun and games?
 

Surprise Homecoming

Today I got a great surprise, my brother officially moved into our apartment! He had all of his stuff down here, but he still had his old job an hour and a half away so he was staying with out parents. He was recently able to transfer his job to a branch down here and he came down today! I wasn't expecting him for a few days.

I am so glad that he is home now though because I have been so lonely. Plus, I really love my brother, like a ridiculous amount. Sure, we fight sometimes, but we are best buds a lot of the time. We went to the grocery store tonight, at 11 p.m., and we had a great time. I caught him up on my current boy situation and he laughed at me... But it was great and at the end of the day, he really wants me to be happy and, for some reason, he really wants me to have a boyfriend. He actually took it pretty hard that I didn't start dating my country boy, but c'est la vie, non? (Non is how you spell no in French. I learned that in French class and it's one of the only things I actually still remember 4 years later.)

I forgot to tell him about my coworkers trying to set me up with my friend's brother but I have a feeling that if I tell him he will just try to actually work with them to make it happen.

Folks, I'm getting so beat. I haven't really had a vacation at all this summer and likely won't get time off until I am completely finished with school, retired from work, and finally taken home to see the L-rd. Unfortunately, life is ridiculously busy and it seems as though I'm letting life slip away. It also seems like I am growing farther and farther away from G-d. I'm going to try to find a church, for real this time, but it's so hard to find a new church. Especially when I don't really want to be going to church, I want to find a good Messianic congregation but I've visited those and have not liked what I've seen. Maybe I'm just too picky. My brother says I am too picky about food, boys, people, and everything else in my life, so I bet it's true.

You know, I made a list of what I want in a boyfriend/husband. Now, my lists aren't just random lists that I jot down, I make a lot of them. A lot of time and effort goes into thinking about them and praying about them. I made a list of what I wanted in my roommates for college, it was simple. I wanted all of them to at least be under the "Christian" umbrella and I wanted at least one of them to be "Messianic." Guess what happened? I got what I prayed for! One girl considered herself "Messianic" because she did some of the Jewish holidays (though I don't technically count her as such), and all of them were at least some type of Christian. It did not work out between us, but I think it could have been much worse if I had been rooming with people who drank, slept with boys, partied, etc. I thank the L-rd that He put me with the girls He did because I learned so much and He answered my prayers.

I also made a list/journal prayer about a dog. My parents had finally decided I could have a dog and I was so excited (and slightly worried because we had a dog before for 3 weeks but the dog wasn't a good fit, so I didn't want to have to give up another dog the same way). So, I prayed about it very specifically and wrote everything I wanted in the dog. Next day we went to the pound and G-d gave us the perfect dog. She is everything I asked for and more. The list was very specific but G-d provided us a dog that fit it to a T! We framed the prayer and we still have the dog 7 years later.

Funny thing is, I have prayed about boys before too. Sometimes I start to crave the attention of a boy (I'm just being honest here. It feels good to have a guy think your cute, smart, funny, and datable.) So, I have prayed that a boy start to like me who has certain qualities. Soon after, a boy starts to like me who just so happens to have those qualities. Up to now it's great for awhile, then I begin to see why it would not work out. Thank the L-rd that I have not dated anyone yet because my life could have been a totally different story if I had dated all the boys I thought I wanted to date. It seems as though He is showing me that I think I know what I want, but in reality I need to be patient and just let Him bring the right man into my life on G-d's own schedule. Let me tell you, it's not easy. I have the longest grocery list of what I want in a boyfriend/husband, but only G-d knows what I will be happy with and when/if I will meet this man. I hope I get married and I really hope that I meed my future husband soon because I am getting so antsy. However, it seems like when we try to speed G-d's schedule up to fit our own selfish plans, we just make the waiting worse than it has to be. For now, I will pray while I'm waiting. I will work on my relationship with the L-rd and allow Him to work on me being content single. When I try to find someone who is "my other half" or has a personality that fills for all of my personality flaws, I just get so badly crushed because I am relying on someone else to complete me. That is not how dating and marriage work! I have to be complete on my own so that I can share a life with someone else, L-rd willing that I will have a husband in the future.

I'm off to be complete on my own and work on my relationship with G-d before I cultivate a new relationship with anyone else.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am so very thankful that G-d listens to me when I pray. The Creator of the Universe listened to and answered my prayers about a dog. How incredible is that? He listens to us all and answers all prayers, but I am constantly amazed when He does, especially for the little things that are so trivial. I am thankful that my brother is home with me and that my summer class is beginning to wind down. I get to work the night shift tomorrow with my favorite CNA and possibly my favorite LPN. Hopefully they won't try to keep talking me into dating her (LPN) brother... G-d had protected my heart from so many bad relationships that could have happened but didn't. He has kept me ignorant when I needed to be, wise for other occasions, and always very stubborn when boys try to talk me into things that would be no good for me. I am a truly blessed girl.

Blessings and good night y'all! It's 1 a.m. and I'm very tired but still have to get up early tomorrow so I can cook pancakes for my brother, who is my best friend (here on earth, G-d holds the overall title).

Worst Friend Ever

Folks, I'm talking about me. In the last week, I have made a friend cry and ruined another friendship. I don't know why I suck at life, but I do. I'm terrible with people! What was I thinking making friends and talking? Dumbest decision I've had in a long time, and maybe ever in my life. Man alive! What is wrong with me? I never used to make people cry, never. And friends have been mad at me before, but this one hurts more than it did before. So far they are both still talking to me, but I still failed them.

I have a confession, I wanted to learn how to speak my mind so that people don't keep walking all over me, but if this is what results, I don't want any part of it! It's not even like I have a thick skin either, but I didn't think I was mean. Now, I'm thinking I am so very mean and I'm seriously considering why people even befriend me in the first place.

Then, I start thinking about why I befriend others. I make friends because I know what it is to be uncomfortable on the sidelines watching everyone else socialize and have fun. So, I rope other people in a help them to make connections until they don't need me anymore. Then, the connections that we had slowly fade into nothing more than a smile in the halls. Fortunately for me, I am now comfortable on the sidelines with no one else to sit with or talk to, but if there is someone, I will interact with them.

Subsequently, I started thinking about my friends. I do have friends, and they are often very kind to hang out with me because I am crazy. Y'all know, you read my thoughts in this blog. Anyway, I have never really felt connected to anyone. Even when I have a bunch of friends, and loads of stuff to do with them, I always feel lonely. So, what's wrong with me? We weren't made to be of the world, we are merely in it to fulfill G-d's plans, but I feel all alone when surrounded by seas of people. Even when I let someone know my secrets and my deeper, crazier thoughts, I never really feel connected or close to anyone. Now, the bonds I used to have with my parents and brother are even dwindling. Is it just part of growing up? If it is, then why have I always been so lonely, all my life. I know G-d is always with me, but I've been screwing up with Him and I haven't been working on that relationship and everything is falling apart!!!

So, my conclusion is: I suck at life.

Heavy Heart

Have there been a lot of deaths recently for you too? For some reason there have been 3 students that have passed away in the past two weeks at college and several residents from work have passed away. I don't understand this. Plus, my great-grandpa died a few weeks ago as well, but I didn't get to go to the funeral because I wasn't really invited. That's a complicated story though.

Let's just delve into the basics. We don't talk to my mom's side of the family because her mom abused her. When my brother and I were born, my mom tried to take us over to see her parents so that we would know them, but my grandma just ended up yelling at my brother and I when we were about 3 and 4 years old. So, long story short, my mom hasn't actively taken us to see them because it's not worth it to get abused by my grandma. I still love her and I still love my grandpa (her husband). Now, it was her father who passed, and I had only met him a handful of times, so while I'm sad that he passed away without me being able to better get to know him, I have peace because he did not treat my mom right or his wife right (when she was alive). I'm sad that I was not able to show him more of the love of Yeshua. One of the last times I saw him was at my cousins graduation party and he came over and sat at the table I was sitting at. Since it was just him and me at the table, he asked if I knew who he was. I said that I didn't because I did not know his name, but I did know that he was my great-grandpa. This upset him pretty bad and he called over my great-aunt and they both gave me a 15-20 minute lecture about how I am supposed to know who my family is and so on. Even though I was hurt because I had gotten yelled at (I was 12 or 13 at the time), I still love(d) him. Funny thing is though, it's not the kid's responsibility to keep in tough with grandparents and great-grandparents when they are still kids. I couldn't drive to go see him and it was not my responsibility to go on a great quest to find out where he lived or to get his phone number in order to contact him first, I was a child. It's a bummer that he didn't reach out to me, because I like getting to know my family because they are kin and I don't have a whole lot of blood relatives that my family talks to because both of my parents were abused as children. Regardless, G-d puts pseudo family into my life, always. I have the largest family now because of all of my "adopted" aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and siblings.  I wouldn't trade the relationships I have with them, or the love that we all share because we chose each other, for anything. I know that G-d has allowed me to be blessed with so many amazing, supportive, down-to-earth people who choose to be in my family instead of feeling stuck with me. Also, they don't manipulate, yell, or otherwise harm me, which is still not something I'm used to and my parents don't abuse my brother or I. Still, I have had many, many, many unhealthy, abusive and manipulative friendships that have seriously scarred me. G-d brings me through every time and He is teaching me who to trust, how to trust and how much to trust certain people with. He is teaching me boundaries and forgiveness, but these are brutal lessons to learn.

Daily Thanksgiving: Work went well today, I got to work with one of my favorite CNA's today and work went by really fast. Two more weeks of school and they are going to fly by because I am too busy to even be able to breathe, let alone pee or eat. G-d heals broken hearts and heals scars. His mercies never end and His love is unfailing. I am not alone, even though I often feel alone.

Another Dilemma... and a Solution

So, for those of you who have read my past posts, you know I was kinda into this guy, who might kinda be into me. If you know this, you likely also know that I was fighting with myself as to what I ought to do about it. Well, I did the wrong thing because it felt good... it doesn't "feel" good anymore. (No, I did not sleep with him, I did not kiss him. My boundaries do include no hugs unless they are side hugs. Also, no laying in the same bed together cuddling. The last two things, the hugs and laying in the same bed, I did allow him to do.) It's not even a big deal, I just have been leading him on in a way by letting him come over a lot. We have spent probably around four hours together every night (except for maybe 2) in the past two weeks since I've gotten back from break. Then, last night I started to get back to being closer with G-d, and everything has changed. I realized that this isn't right when He gave me Proverbs 4:23 to read. I shouldn't be letting this boy push my boundaries, and I should not be leading him on because it will break his heart also leading to my broken heart. Strange how so much pain can come from just having a crush on someone and then calling it off. We aren't even dating and I know this is going to hurt. He has been one of my closest friends since I've started school here and if I have to tell him no, he's probably going to be really sad. And since he is sad, I will be super sad because I hate telling people bad news. It affects me almost more than it affects the person because I don't handle guilt very well.

So, I have come back to the conclusion that I cannot date until junior year, maybe. Still, that depends on if G-d even ever wants me to get married. The boys that have liked me so far are getting closer and closer to the kind of guy that I envisioned for myself, but who's to say that is the type of man G-d wants for me. Or if there even is someone He has picked for me. I don't know what the future holds, all I know is that this newly strengthened resolve is giving me motivation for today and is helping me to get closer to the Creator. Actually, I even have a peace about this whole thing. For week I have been contemplating throwing some boundaries out the window, like dating before junior year. But now, I am a little more sure that I will just have to wait. I trust the L-rd wholly because only He knows what the future holds for any of us. He is my rock, and He has my heart.

That's another thing, I've been thinking about values and how important they are in relationships, especially romantic (I hate that word as much as I hate "feelings") relationships. Lately a few of my friends have had to say no to boys who have been interested in them, simply because they have different values.  We are not to be "unequally yoked" with people who do not believe the same as we do. (This does not mean you cannot be friends with them, because how are they to see the Light if they are not exposed to people who have the Light? It simply means we should not date or marry them because they will have very different values and expectations of the relationship.) How can a relationship work if the foundations of the people in the relationship are completely different? For me, my faith is really important. Also, I love G-d above anyone or anything else, EVER. So, to be contemplating a relationship with someone who does not share the same passion for G-d is a very foolish decision.

Needless to say, I am now trying to figure out how to tell him, should the time come that I have to explain everything. Also, I am trying to figure out how to enforce my boundaries... L-rd willing this whole thing will just blow over and fizzle out, but I don't know how likely that is.

I will try to post again tonight after I spend some time with my Mema, mom, and extended family. My Mema is coming into town today and she is a nurse who is so excited I am going into nursing also. I so respect her and look up to her. She is a woman who has been married and divorced twice because the men did not treat her right. Now, she is independent and I aspire to be like her. She is kind, easy going and a fantastic NICU nurse. Hopefully she won't retire until she can teach me how to be a nurse too!

My Mind Won't Shut Up!!!

Normally I do not even like to say shut up, to me it is a "four-letter word". In this case, however, I think it is appropriate. I can't sleep well. I take magnesium, which usually helps me fall asleep and sleep peacefully through the night, but my mind won't turn off anymore. Last night, I stayed up until about 11 p.m. (very unusual for me now) working on anatomy (which was getting it done early! Also very unusual). By the time I fell asleep it was close to midnight or later. Then I woke up at about 6 a.m. and could not fall back asleep even though I usually sleep through a couple snooze cycles.

Yesterday in psych we learned about Freud's theories about anxiety and I fit to a "T" in the neurotic anxiety category. I have tried to change by focusing on positives, doing my daily thanksgivings, stopping myself from being sooooooo cynical and I am hanging out with my friends much more. With all of these things I figured my stress would go down and I would stop worrying about every little thing, especially before it happened. Unfortunately, my little experiment did not go as planned. Now I am sleepless, staying up to think about the guy I have developed a thing for, I worry about how awful I am as a CNA and now my poor grades are creeping into my head as well. I also believe my depression is coming back, with reinforcement. Folks, I am not sure what to do...

Let's change the subject though, this Debbie Downer thing is getting me worked up just a little bit. I went out to lunch yesterday with my mentor. She is only a year ahead of me but she gives me faith counseling and nursing school advice. At the end of lunch she asked me if there were any guys in my life which was so weird because she knows I don't understand the whole cute guy, attraction, dating thing. But it was nice to share with someone who was excited for me to be reciprocating "feelings" (I hate that word, it makes me want to cast up my breakfast) for this guy. I told her I wasn't ready to date and didn't plan on dating until junior year. To this she quickly rebuked my need to plan (and worry) about my entire life before I have even gotten anywhere. I think she is right. I cannot plan everything because, ultimately, G-d is in control of all things. I have little to nothing to do with how my life plays out, He already knows what happens and how the story ends. On the other hand, I don't want to date anyone that is not looking for marriage and is not totally in love with G-d first and foremost. Getting my heart broken is something I desperately want to avoid and I figured that by praying that I don't date anyone until my husband comes along, I would avoid the whole breakup mess. Breaking up would just cast me into a deeper depression than I would know how to handle and it breaks friends up. Again my neurotic anxiety is surfacing. Funny how that works, huh?

Daily Thanksgiving: Today I am thankful I got to have lunch with my friend yesterday. I was able to pass my chem test, with just a C, but it was a high C (78%). Next time, I plan to study much more and work towards an A in anatomy and chemistry because I really need to raise my grades. I am thankful for the fact that G-d holds me in His hands and never lets me go. I know that He is with me even in my darkest hour, and I seem to have a lot of those. He has also protected me from so many boys that would have been so very bad for me and he gives me wisdom, and sometimes ignorance, in order to preserve me.

"Bless the L-rd, oh my soul. Worship His holy name. Sing like never before, oh my soul. I'll worship Your holy name." (It's from a song and seemed fitting.)

Been Away

I'm sorry I've been away for a few days. I got to go home! My mom's birthday was nice, we didn't do anything. Well, she had to work. She's a hairdresser, so she did my hair and she had a couple other clients. I had planned on cleaning the house for her present, that didn't work. I did make challah though and that was all I could give her. Why is it people get so hard to shop for? Why is it that we feel the need to buy something for every occasion? I want to be living back when Laura Ingalls was alive. Her family made stuff for each other. I do not recall her talking about birthday presents though. But they were working on presents for each other for months before Christmas (though I do not celebrate Christmas any longer), but they put so much thought and time into their gifts. That's how it should be!

Anyhow, my weekend was so nice and relaxing. I slept and thought about a lot and even told my mom about my friend maybe having a thing for me. She said she figured it would happen sooner or later. I love my friends, all of them. If you spend any length of time - even 5 seconds - talking to me, you are my friend and I will jump in front of a bullet for you. There are not many people that I do not like, and even then I would do anything to save your life, it doesn't matter. But I don't understand why my best friends (always guys) end up liking me. Am I coming off too nice? Like in a flirtatious way? I don't know. I don't even know what constitutes flirting. Then, what do I say if he asks me if I like him back? I do, but I'm not ready to date. And I won't be ready to date for a solid couple years, not until junior year at the soonest. Well, now it's closer to another year (wow, that went by quick!). So how do I explain to him that I am not ready without ruining our friendship? I cannot lose him like I lost C and I (see past story about this type of ordeal), it would break my heart and I may lose my other friends. I am praying that he does not ask me at all, but if he does I hope it is after school is over for the summer, that way we can both recover and avoid the awkwardness that is sure to ensue.

Despite my hard-core cynicism about everything, especially dating and marriage, I have opened a Pinterest account. For those of you that do not know what it is, it's a website for sharing creative stuff. Arts, crafts, food, decorating, and a million other things. There is even a wedding idea section. A year ago, I could not even go to my friends wedding because the thought of marriage made me cry... like a little girl... It's that ugly type of crying where you can't breathe because you are hyperventilating and about to die. Ya, that terrible, the world-is-ending, type of cry. Currently, however, I am planning my non-existent wedding. It's proving to be quite enjoyable, but highly unhealthy for me. Thus, leading to another dilemma and emotional hardships. Should I delete my Pinterest profile? Probably. Am I going to? Not yet. Normally, I would have hit rock bottom with my depression by now, but for some reason I have hope. I have hope that I may have a boyfriend in about a year or two. I hope that I may get engaged sometime my senior year or shortly after I graduate college. I am hoping that the plans I have for my non-existent wedding will actually get to be used in a few years. This is really dangerous. My high-on-life is all riding on easily shattered hopes for a future when I believe there is a good chance, a very likely possibility, that I will not live to see these things play out in my life. Perhaps they will happen, just the way I hope they do. Maybe they will happen, but on a different time-scale. Still, in my heart I am saddened by the realization that none of this will happen for me at all. I know it is all dependent on G-D's plans for my life, for He knows best what to do and when. But does that keep me from wondering and hoping my plans are His plans? Does it even save my heart from the impending heart-ache sure to come soon? Unfortunately, these are both answered with huge, resounding no's.

Let's switch gears here and mention daily thanksgivings, shall we? I am thankful I did nothing this weekend. I am thankful that I was able to go home for my mom's birthday. I am also thankful that work went well yesterday. I am still slow, but slowly getting faster. G-d is good. He is merciful. He is kind. He is my Rock and the only way that I can live each day.