No Kiss

I don't believe I told you guys about the one boy I met a few months ago. We've been on three dates, and he asked for a fourth.

Yes, I met him online. I was terrified, as I should have been, to meet him. He offered to make it a group date, but that ended up being too difficult to figure out with everyone's schedules, so we settled for meeting at a huge local hunting/outdoorsman store. Actually, it was Bass Pro, to be exact.

So, just know, I know how dumb it is to meet a guy from the internet. When Roomie put me on the internet dating site, I had had about 3 "Bedpan Alley" strength daiquiris which means about 2-3x the "recommended" alcohol dosage. Don't worry, I'm almost a nurse, it's fine. ;)

I was tipsy and crying about them fuckers I dated for the entirety of 2015. She told me to give her my computer and my phone. Naturally, being that far gone but still coherent, I did as she asked with minimal questioning on my part. She told me it would be fun.

Well, fast forward about 2 days, and it was great amounts of fun! I could say guys were cute (which I still have a hard time processing because I don't understand why they are cute... science help me!). Anyway, guys were saying I was cute too and I was getting tons of matches! I was talking with like 12 guys at one point, and just listening to their stories. Plus, when I didn't like one of them or they were being inappropriate, I could yell at them over the texting thing and it felt great! I didn't blame them for things that the exes did, unless they did them to me too, but then boy howdy! It was one of the most empowering and uplifting things I had done in a long time. Yes, it was based mostly off superficial looks, but I had been convinced my whole life (especially by exfiance) that I was ugly and nobody wanted me. Well, the online dating showed me he was a liar!!! I had loads of guys matching with me, and even more guys liked me but I didn't like them back for some reason so we didn't match. Regardless, these guys thought I was cute, then they learned I like working on cars and they liked that even more! They learned I was a nursing student and oh my goodness, I swear a couple would have proposed right there. Haha, just kidding.

Anyway, back to the guy I actually met. We talked for about a month before I decided to meet him. He's been really cool about understanding that I need to drive myself. He has a beard, drives a truck, and his mom is a DON for one of the local mental hospitals. I know, psych nursing, but hey, I actually really like psych nursing and I think it's impressive she's a DON!

For our last date, we met for breakfast. Interesting date, but I really liked it! We've had weird dates. Well, I picked them... if that tells you anything... The first one, we went to Bass Pro, walked to a dinner place near it, then drove separately to pet puppies at the pet store together because I refuse to get into another guy's car/truck. The second date consisted of meeting for happy hour at a restaurant near my college. Afterwards, we walked over to the costco and wandered around in there because I had had one too many margaritas... Then we hit up the pet store, but there were no pets except for some fish and a variety of rodents. The third was lunch at Chick-fil-a, then he helped me go pick out decorations for my graduation cap at a fabric store. Yeah, I was shocked a guy would volunteer to go with me to that too! Then, our final one was just breakfast at this really cute diner with a cabin theme and little bear figures everywhere. Adorable!

At the end of our final date, he gave me the normal hug. We had discussed at the beginning that before he ever went for my hand or went in for a hug, or touched me at all (even on the shoulder), he just has to ask me if that's okay first so that I don't freak out. Then he asked, "should I ask before I kiss you?" To which I responded, "yes, please." and he accepted that. He opened my door and I sat down but we were still talking. He then asked, "do you ever get the feeling you want to do something, but if you do it it might be the wrong thing to do?" I told him I didn't. He then leaned in and tried to kiss me! Oh no! That poor kid, he didn't believe me when I told him I was messed up and probably a bad idea. Well, I slammed my head back and tucked my chin so that he couldn't reach me. He asked, "do you want to?" I shook my head no and he kissed me on the cheek and gave me a hug. Then he said sorry and I said it was okay. That was it. He apologized a bunch more over text and I told him not to worry about it and I thanked him for respecting my no. Then, I gave a short and sweet explanation as to why I didn't kiss him and why I was so appreciative. I think this made him feel a little bit bad, but when similar things happened with the exes, they just pulled me closer and forced a kiss. So many of our kisses were forced.

Crazy the things that come to mind after a relationship ends and the gravity of the situation finally hits you. Well, I know how hard it hits me. It's crazy that a forced kiss can be considered sexual assault. Yet, in my mind, it doesn't seem "that bad" because of the unspeakable things they both forced on me. Strange how my scale of seriousness has changed so much after my traumas.

Someday I pray to find my Boaz. Maybe I'm meant to remain alone and care for those who don't have parents, family, or friends. I don't know. I pray for a Boaz, but for the time being, it's easy to be single. Hey, I even get baby snuggles without going through pregnancy, without having to be married, and without having to take them home!!! I get to care for babies and teach them how to eat and get them ready to go home and I will get to get paid for it. Praise you L-rd for giving me the desires you've placed in my heart.