No Kiss

I don't believe I told you guys about the one boy I met a few months ago. We've been on three dates, and he asked for a fourth.

Yes, I met him online. I was terrified, as I should have been, to meet him. He offered to make it a group date, but that ended up being too difficult to figure out with everyone's schedules, so we settled for meeting at a huge local hunting/outdoorsman store. Actually, it was Bass Pro, to be exact.

So, just know, I know how dumb it is to meet a guy from the internet. When Roomie put me on the internet dating site, I had had about 3 "Bedpan Alley" strength daiquiris which means about 2-3x the "recommended" alcohol dosage. Don't worry, I'm almost a nurse, it's fine. ;)

I was tipsy and crying about them fuckers I dated for the entirety of 2015. She told me to give her my computer and my phone. Naturally, being that far gone but still coherent, I did as she asked with minimal questioning on my part. She told me it would be fun.

Well, fast forward about 2 days, and it was great amounts of fun! I could say guys were cute (which I still have a hard time processing because I don't understand why they are cute... science help me!). Anyway, guys were saying I was cute too and I was getting tons of matches! I was talking with like 12 guys at one point, and just listening to their stories. Plus, when I didn't like one of them or they were being inappropriate, I could yell at them over the texting thing and it felt great! I didn't blame them for things that the exes did, unless they did them to me too, but then boy howdy! It was one of the most empowering and uplifting things I had done in a long time. Yes, it was based mostly off superficial looks, but I had been convinced my whole life (especially by exfiance) that I was ugly and nobody wanted me. Well, the online dating showed me he was a liar!!! I had loads of guys matching with me, and even more guys liked me but I didn't like them back for some reason so we didn't match. Regardless, these guys thought I was cute, then they learned I like working on cars and they liked that even more! They learned I was a nursing student and oh my goodness, I swear a couple would have proposed right there. Haha, just kidding.

Anyway, back to the guy I actually met. We talked for about a month before I decided to meet him. He's been really cool about understanding that I need to drive myself. He has a beard, drives a truck, and his mom is a DON for one of the local mental hospitals. I know, psych nursing, but hey, I actually really like psych nursing and I think it's impressive she's a DON!

For our last date, we met for breakfast. Interesting date, but I really liked it! We've had weird dates. Well, I picked them... if that tells you anything... The first one, we went to Bass Pro, walked to a dinner place near it, then drove separately to pet puppies at the pet store together because I refuse to get into another guy's car/truck. The second date consisted of meeting for happy hour at a restaurant near my college. Afterwards, we walked over to the costco and wandered around in there because I had had one too many margaritas... Then we hit up the pet store, but there were no pets except for some fish and a variety of rodents. The third was lunch at Chick-fil-a, then he helped me go pick out decorations for my graduation cap at a fabric store. Yeah, I was shocked a guy would volunteer to go with me to that too! Then, our final one was just breakfast at this really cute diner with a cabin theme and little bear figures everywhere. Adorable!

At the end of our final date, he gave me the normal hug. We had discussed at the beginning that before he ever went for my hand or went in for a hug, or touched me at all (even on the shoulder), he just has to ask me if that's okay first so that I don't freak out. Then he asked, "should I ask before I kiss you?" To which I responded, "yes, please." and he accepted that. He opened my door and I sat down but we were still talking. He then asked, "do you ever get the feeling you want to do something, but if you do it it might be the wrong thing to do?" I told him I didn't. He then leaned in and tried to kiss me! Oh no! That poor kid, he didn't believe me when I told him I was messed up and probably a bad idea. Well, I slammed my head back and tucked my chin so that he couldn't reach me. He asked, "do you want to?" I shook my head no and he kissed me on the cheek and gave me a hug. Then he said sorry and I said it was okay. That was it. He apologized a bunch more over text and I told him not to worry about it and I thanked him for respecting my no. Then, I gave a short and sweet explanation as to why I didn't kiss him and why I was so appreciative. I think this made him feel a little bit bad, but when similar things happened with the exes, they just pulled me closer and forced a kiss. So many of our kisses were forced.

Crazy the things that come to mind after a relationship ends and the gravity of the situation finally hits you. Well, I know how hard it hits me. It's crazy that a forced kiss can be considered sexual assault. Yet, in my mind, it doesn't seem "that bad" because of the unspeakable things they both forced on me. Strange how my scale of seriousness has changed so much after my traumas.

Someday I pray to find my Boaz. Maybe I'm meant to remain alone and care for those who don't have parents, family, or friends. I don't know. I pray for a Boaz, but for the time being, it's easy to be single. Hey, I even get baby snuggles without going through pregnancy, without having to be married, and without having to take them home!!! I get to care for babies and teach them how to eat and get them ready to go home and I will get to get paid for it. Praise you L-rd for giving me the desires you've placed in my heart.

Living with Regret

At one point or another, we all do something we regret. It could be taking a candy bar from the store, saying something that ends up hurting someone else, or going back on a personal promise made to G-d. I think I've done them all, but the last one is really getting to me. I kissed a boy before my wedding day.

Now, this isn't really a big deal. It was just a kiss and it's not like I dropped my pants and gave the guy my everything. Even then, it wouldn't be the end of the world. So why am I losing sleep over this small act? Why is it that I can have a lovely weekend with the boy, kissing him every once in awhile, and think nothing of it while I'm with him. Yet, as soon as I get in the car, my heart sinks to the floor and I am left with this nagging pain in my gut. I am faced with a whisper saying that I gave my first kiss away because I wasn't strong enough to maintain my boundaries. This is the voice of the enemy, but I cannot silence him because I have strayed from the L-rd. I have wandered outside of His flock in search of a love that only He can give and now I've given a piece of myself that I was saving for my husband.

No doubt the L-rd forgives. L-rd willing, my future husband will forgive me as well. Still, I cannot help but wish I could go back in the past and change that moment. Go back and not have given it away. But alas, G-d allows us to learn from our mistakes and move forward into the next set of mistakes. We are blessed to have a teaching G-d who also forgives when we mess up. Now I just wonder how to fix this. I don't know if I can.

My fear is of breaking hearts. I am terrified that life will become awkward and difficult in my small town situation with my life so intertwined with his. This is why I don't date, I can't handle hurting anyone else so I stay even if I hurt in the process.

I have to confess that I almost started cutting the other night. This is not healthy. I didn't do it, but the urge was stronger than I've felt since before my extremely rough season in 8th grade. My nausea and dizziness have resurfaced and my happiness (not joy, just superficial happiness) has disappeared. In it's wake, I am left hurting and scared. This happiness was just a momentary false front from the excitement that a boy was showing interest in me. I should not be depending on this in order to feel wanted, but I fell for it again. (P.S. I talked to Boyfriend and Beauty about the cutting ideations. I'm not going down that road again.)

Big News!

So, New Fella has a new name... Boyfriend. Yep, he went and met my parents and we made it official. He was fan-girling the whole first 45 minutes on our ride home from the Parent's and could not stop talking about my dad! Seriously, I am quite convinced that if I weren't here he would have been asking my dad out instead of me. Haha, I told my dad about that and his first response was "well, I just got a hair cut so I'm pertier than I was when I med him (previous day)!"

Then I kissed him Saturday...

I told him I was going to wait until my wedding day. He was concerned about that but he agreed to wait. Then we were on our "Valentine's Day" date a week early this past Saturday and I don't know how it happened but I kissed him. You guys know how gung-ho I was about waiting until marriage for kissing, but I already messed it up. The sex thing will definitely be waiting for marriage and he absolutely agreed to that, but I did tell him I was thinking about changing my kissing policy so he was better okay with that. I had a couple shots the night before and told him that if he was there I would have probably kissed him then but he told me he wouldn't have let me because he wanted me sober for my very first kiss. So, it is what it is and I'm hoping that if current Boyfriend is not my future husband that my future husband won't be too disappointed because I already feel a little guilty. But I also feel bad for not being completely upset about already kissing Boyfriend... It's quite a conundrum.

Sweeter than Sweet Tea

I finally made it through my first real date! We were going to go bowling but we ended up doing that a few days early when he ended up being in town with his buddies and we made an impromptu trip because I was too young to be in the pool hall they were in when I showed up to hang out with him...

Instead, we decided to go hit up the local antique store. He is in the process of buying a house and he loves antique stuff because he really enjoys history. So fun! It took us about 2 hours to walk through the store. Then we decided we were hungry and he tried to take me out for a steak. Ha! I shot that idea down real quick and then he suggested Chick-fil-a. How did he know that was my favorite fast food place? I have no clue because I never told him! Anyway, we went there and then went to walk around a really fancy hotel nearby. That probably took another hour and a half/two hours. We talked about all the hard, scary stuff as we walked around outside with the lights still up on the trees from the holidays. He grabbed my hand and I felt really comfortable around him. He was really sweet when I told him no kisses. He told me he respected that and kind of dug into my reasoning behind it but respected my choice and still wants to hang out with me! Who knew?

I told my parents about the date and then they started probing about him. When I told them he was buying a house they both said that it sounded like he "has his sh*t together." Haha, both of them said that and I talked to them separately on the phone and they didn't hear each other's conversations with me. (Please forgive the language but I was trying to convey the full weight of my patent's approval and could find no other way than to just quote them and try to make it a little safer.)

This guy is really sweet though and he even asked if he needed my dad's permission before we start the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. YES!!! That's what I was going for with Best Friend but he didn't understand what old school actually means, this new guy does. I still don't know what to call him but hopefully I'll find a name soon!

I just got a cold a couple of days ago so I'm going to go back to resting. Thank you for celebrating this exciting new phase in my life with me!

Most Fascinating Lunch

I was able to go out to lunch with a very dear friend of mine today. She and I were nearly inseparable from Best Friend and his roommate freshman year. Last year us girls and the guys hit a bit of a rough patch and then Best Friend and I decided to "try" the "going out" thing. If you recall, that did not go well.

Today at lunch I got a bit of a shock. Okay, a complete and total mind blowing load of information was dumped on me at lunch. Are you ready for this? Seriously, prepare yourself.

Anyway, after I broke up with Best Friend, turns out that he started hanging out with my gal friend a lot. That was not normal. What was unusual, however, is that he started sitting closer to her. Started cuddling. He gave her her first kiss. They made out on a few occasions. He grabbed her butt. Etc. Etc. Etc. She asked him if they were now more than friends because of the intimate moments they shared (as explained above). He told her they were only friends. Odd friends because they kissed, but he maintained that they were just friends. She was so hurt. She didn't want more than that in a relationship but she felt like a booty call because he would come over late at night just to make out with her and lay with her on the couch.

Ya, that bit of information infuriated me. The fact that she didn't tell me earlier so that I could help her get out of that unhealthy relationship made me hurt deeply for her.

After doing that to her, he moved onto another friend of mine. They had plans to go to a concert and even bought their tickets. Several months later, and only about a week before the concert, he texted her asking if it was okay if he brought his girlfriend along. She was crushed because she thought that concert was going to be a date with him. She had also just gotten over a really bad break-up and she trusted him.

My anger is mounting even as I relive this story.

Who knows how many other girls he went through before finding his current girlfriend. Who knows what he really wanted with me to begin with because what he told me is very, very different than what he has been doing. I thought I could trust him but it was all a big sham.

The kicker? I feel like another friend died because the Best Friend that I felt so close to and shared everything with was nothing like this new person in his same body. I thought it was bad enough that I just didn't have him in my life anymore but this feels worse, somehow. Like my experience with him was fake or an act. Maybe it was a dream and I didn't really live through what I thought I lived through.

Lunch was enlightening, infuriating, and heart breaking all at the same time. It was good to catch up with my good pal, but I wished people would tell me these things so that I could help them!!! I could have done something! I could have counseled her through this! I could have prevented her from giving him her first kiss. Praise the L-rd I did not give him mine.

Shiftin' Gears

I'm going to start with a confession. Several really, but the main one is that I like to shift really fast in my manual car when I am stressed. For some reason it helps me blow off some steam. I don't go fast enough that I get a "fast driving award" (my uncle's name for a speeding ticket), I just shift faster than all of the automatic cars next to me and I feel like a boss!

So, coming home from my parent's house yesterday, I was frustrated because I had been on the highway for about an hour in traffic, then I got stuck behind some joker who decided to go 10 mph under the speed limit and then just had to get off on MY exit. Yes, I know how selfish and irrational that is, but don't tell me you don't have them thoughts too! Anywho, we were then both turning left. Fortunately, there were two separate turning lanes. I get past them just to meet them again at another red light. L-rd, what are you doing to me? I'm just trying to get home so that I can change to get to church on time!!! As my blood started boiling at this silly red light, I crank up the tunes and get ready for green. When that green light came I was first through the intersection until some little blue car that looked like it was actually supposed to be able to go that fast passed me up. We were so far in front of anyone else that it didn't matter anymore and so I got up to speed and just kept driving as normal. Awhile later I needed into the lane they were in. I noticed that they slowed from their racing pace and the passenger was waving out of the moon roof. I figured they were waving at the car next to them, so I didn't think anything of it when they stuck their arm out the window and brought it back in about 4 times. When I got to my turn off, they slowed their car, got next to mine and rolled down the passenger window! Oh my gosh! I don't know what they were doing, but they were some cute guys and I'm hopin' they were surprised that it was a girl in a redneck lookin' SUV shiftin' as smooth and as quick as I was. I don't know about flirting in any capacity, but they way that guy was lookin' at me, I'm thinkin' he may have been flirt-waving at me... They may have also been waving at me because they beat me. I don't know.

Anyway, I am hoping it was the first reason because it made me feel pretty darn cool that my little car almost beat their actual racing car and then they realized that I'm a girl. I didn't wave back because I was so shocked, but I gave the guy riding shotgun a bit of a smile.

I can't believe I almost forgot to tell y'all that story!

Another confession is that it made me feel pretty good after my break up. This whole relationship has made me feel so unstable. I knew I have chronic depression, severe anxiety, and possibly some other psychological problems and I knew that that was something I would need to work on before I ever started anything with anyone, regardless of how well they knew me beforehand. Along with everything else that I ignored about a month and a half ago, I ignored that. So, when I was strapped into this roller-coaster with another human, I realized how nuts I actually am instead of being able to down-play it the way I normally do. Now that we've broken up, and even during our time "together," I was wondering if I would ever be able to have an actual relationship that leads to a marriage and the rest of my life spent with someone. I still don't know if that is possible, but I am still highly unnerved because I learned so much about myself and it's not good stuff. I never realized how selfish, unstable, weird, nerdy, selfish, quirky, difficult, selfish, lonely, independent, selfish, judgmental, hypocritical, selfish, and ridiculous I am. Yes, I threw selfish in there several times, but even that is a conservative estimate of how selfish I actually am. Those are also just the easy examples that come to mind right now, there is a laundry list of thousands of terrible personality traits I discovered about myself. It's been a rough month and a half. Good news, though, I was wondering if G-d had been telling me to get rid of my kissing policy, turns out He hasn't. So, I am so glad that I didn't do that in this relationship. He was just being quite to see what I would do... I don't like it when He does that...