Bad Dreams

I know that when I am stressed, my depression is exacerbated and nightmares are expected. This is fairly common among all people because dreaming is a way for your brain to process various life circumstances.

That leads us to last night's nightmare...

I was being chased by exfiance and he found out the new place that I live. I managed to stay hidden from him, but he kept coming by my new house, ringing the doorbell, and knocking on all the windows. He followed me in exboyfriend's truck, actually. Why the cross between both assholes? I have no idea. Also, in my dream we were not actually at my new house but I was dreaming that I was living at one of my Uncle's houses in the country... Anyway, I was leaving my house trying to drive away, but that's when he actually saw me. He tracked me down and eventually I was running on foot. I called the cops and they wouldn't answer. I tried to get friends to keep him there so that I could call the cops, but every time I dialed 9-1-1 I pressed the wrong buttons or extra buttons or whatever. I couldn't call the police! He found out I was calling them and so he drove away, but not before he tried to take me with him. My new friends stepped in and saved me, he got frustrated and drove off without me.

Eventually he came back. He kept following me. He told me that I missed him and that he didn't understand why I would try to call the police because I love him. I yelled at him and told him he was pure evil and the only person that I have ever hated in my life. I flipped him off a couple times but he just laughed. He grabbed me in a hug and tried to kiss me.

The dream continued, but I can't remember the rest of it. Then my dad called (in real life) and woke me up so the dream ended.



Ugh, I left Home State in hopes that I would feel safer here. I did up until a couple days ago when I saw a truck awfully similar to his. It wasn't his truck and on second glance didn't even really look like his, but it still freaked me out. I had to do a double take but I was driving and that's not safe.

So, for those of you dealing with trauma, I'm sorry. I pray that you don't have days like this, though I know you probably do. I pray for justice for us, thought justice will never right the wrong that has been done. Most of all, I pray for peace.

In the days after the shooting at the night club in Orlando, I can't help but be sad with an understanding heart of how difficult PTSD is. My heart breaks for those that were killed, but my heart also breaks for those that witnessed it and the families that now how to figure out how to go about living after the evil committed that night. It sucks for those that were killed, but for those of us that are left living after a tragedy like this, it is harder. When you die, I'm not certain you know you are dead. I'm fairly certain you don't feel pain in the same capacity, hopefully not even at all. I don't know, I haven't died yet... Regardless, I know the pain of being one of the ones left to survive. Of course, I only know the pain I've felt and for the families and victims still living, their pain will be different and arguably worse in many respects.

For anyone who has suffered traumatic events or loss: I am sorry for your losses. Losses of loved ones, loss of life, loss of the sense of safety, loss of mental wellness (hopefully only temporary), loss of self (hopefully only temporary).

There was a hostage situation somewhere in Texas and the guy ended up getting shot and killed, as far as I know.

People need to chill out. Stop causing harm to others! Stop killing others! Stop attacking, assaulting, and otherwise fucking up other people's lives! Calm the fuck down. Everyone.

Until later... I pray I'll have good news next time I post.