Didn't think it could get any worse... And then IT DID!

Oh. My. Goodness. *breathe* My past few weeks have been awful.

Last week was my first week off of L&D orientation. Sucked! Day 1, thought I was doing okay. Can't remember exactly what happened, but it wasn't terrible. Day 2, I had 2 labor patients, not good, but I handled it. Day 3, I came back, and found out that 1 of my patients that I thought was a 4, was actually not even 1 c.m. dilated and my other lady who was a 4 turned out to be a C section for being breech.

*breathe*

I turned in my application for a Nurse Midwifery program here in-state. 3-4 days after the deadline, I got an email saying that my application would not be turned in because I was missing transcripts for my transferred credit. I probably wasted $70 on the application, and it'll never even get in front of the admission board for them to decide whether they like me or not.

*just try to breathe*

Then I go to NICU and can't seem to do anything right when I'm there, so day shift is always yelling at me because they do things differently, but I was just following what the previous day shifter told me to do.

*frickin' breathe*

Yesterday I slept through my alarm and my poor counselor texted me 20 minutes into when I was supposed to be there and I didn't call back until 20 minutes after that! Oh my gosh, I feel just so awful. She's so sweet and understanding, but I hate hate hate wasting people's time and it's the holidays. I'm sure she could have been with her family or at home or doing anything else except for waiting for ridiculous me who couldn't even wake up for my 2 alarms.

*just fuckin' take a breath*

Last night, after missing my much needed counseling appointment, I kept tearing up in the middle of feeds. My babies were being difficult (I know, it's not their fault, they're learning how to be alive and eat and manage both at the same time. Lots of work and coordination! Plus parents yell at me on the regular here because of the way the doctors/practitioners change the plan of care all the time.) Regardless, babies can be frustrating and NICU work can be very stressful, even when you only have "feeder growers" because they don't want to feed and growing is even optional. So, between not feeling okay in my NICU knowledge at this hospital, not feeling at all okay in L&D, missing my appointment, being a general thorn in everyone's side, and the myriad of other reasons why I suck as a person... I just couldn't seem to get it together.

Fast forward to 2 hours before my shift was supposed to be up and: my rooming in mom hadn't woken up and she was 30-45 minutes late with her feed, one kid was taking for-frickin-ever to bottle feed and then threw up all over my lap, and my last kid was over in his bed screaming his head off in his inconsolable state.

Maybe I need to just quit breathing at this point and all of the frustrations of life would fade away...

I don't want to be a thorn in anyone's side. Yet, I find myself in a season of being a thorn in EVERYONE'S side, even my poor counselor!



I got to thinking and it's worth note that I cannot plan a wedding. Pinterest has all sorts of cute wedding things, and one of my counseling homework assignments was to make a wedding board on Pinterest of the things I would like to have at my wedding. I don't know what I want for a wedding. I'm not particularly emotionally invested in anything with that. I do, however, have my funeral planned out to a "t". I've had my funeral planned since I was 10 or 12. I know that I was a simple casket, to be buried in gray because I don't feel worthy of being buried in white. I know that I want to be buried in the most simple casket anyone can build, under a weaping willow or some type of large tree. I don't want people dressed up and the reception should be a simple bonfire, with music, and beers. If anyone goes, it would be nice for them to share stories, but having people there doesn't seem realistic, let alone getting anyone to tell stories or even know that I died or to care that I passed. I know that, at 23, I have been a DNR for years.

Last night, I found myself in a position of longing that G-d would let me be done with life. I haven't been here in a long time. Chalk it up to being tired, stressed with so much newness with working L&D, or blame it on me not being able to make it in life without the wonderful support of a counselor because I'm just too weak; but this is not a good place to be. I don't like wanting to be gone and yet being stuck on this earth, in this body, with this life. I can't imaging a bright future. I don't know what it will look like. Not even one little bit.

Will I go on to get my Master's? Doctorate? PhD?
Will I have a husband or family? Will I die alone?
Will I be happy? Or forever chasing happiness, but never able to reach it?

I have no clue what is going to happen. I pray that there are more good things than bad to await me in the future, but I feel like I'm 89 and looking back on my life where I have a hard time understanding my purpose on this earth.



You know when circumstances get so bad that all you can do is either laugh or cry? What does it mean when you do both? But the crying isn't from laughing too hard, it's all from just being utterly overwhelmed with life.