Didn't think it could get any worse... And then IT DID!

Oh. My. Goodness. *breathe* My past few weeks have been awful.

Last week was my first week off of L&D orientation. Sucked! Day 1, thought I was doing okay. Can't remember exactly what happened, but it wasn't terrible. Day 2, I had 2 labor patients, not good, but I handled it. Day 3, I came back, and found out that 1 of my patients that I thought was a 4, was actually not even 1 c.m. dilated and my other lady who was a 4 turned out to be a C section for being breech.

*breathe*

I turned in my application for a Nurse Midwifery program here in-state. 3-4 days after the deadline, I got an email saying that my application would not be turned in because I was missing transcripts for my transferred credit. I probably wasted $70 on the application, and it'll never even get in front of the admission board for them to decide whether they like me or not.

*just try to breathe*

Then I go to NICU and can't seem to do anything right when I'm there, so day shift is always yelling at me because they do things differently, but I was just following what the previous day shifter told me to do.

*frickin' breathe*

Yesterday I slept through my alarm and my poor counselor texted me 20 minutes into when I was supposed to be there and I didn't call back until 20 minutes after that! Oh my gosh, I feel just so awful. She's so sweet and understanding, but I hate hate hate wasting people's time and it's the holidays. I'm sure she could have been with her family or at home or doing anything else except for waiting for ridiculous me who couldn't even wake up for my 2 alarms.

*just fuckin' take a breath*

Last night, after missing my much needed counseling appointment, I kept tearing up in the middle of feeds. My babies were being difficult (I know, it's not their fault, they're learning how to be alive and eat and manage both at the same time. Lots of work and coordination! Plus parents yell at me on the regular here because of the way the doctors/practitioners change the plan of care all the time.) Regardless, babies can be frustrating and NICU work can be very stressful, even when you only have "feeder growers" because they don't want to feed and growing is even optional. So, between not feeling okay in my NICU knowledge at this hospital, not feeling at all okay in L&D, missing my appointment, being a general thorn in everyone's side, and the myriad of other reasons why I suck as a person... I just couldn't seem to get it together.

Fast forward to 2 hours before my shift was supposed to be up and: my rooming in mom hadn't woken up and she was 30-45 minutes late with her feed, one kid was taking for-frickin-ever to bottle feed and then threw up all over my lap, and my last kid was over in his bed screaming his head off in his inconsolable state.

Maybe I need to just quit breathing at this point and all of the frustrations of life would fade away...

I don't want to be a thorn in anyone's side. Yet, I find myself in a season of being a thorn in EVERYONE'S side, even my poor counselor!



I got to thinking and it's worth note that I cannot plan a wedding. Pinterest has all sorts of cute wedding things, and one of my counseling homework assignments was to make a wedding board on Pinterest of the things I would like to have at my wedding. I don't know what I want for a wedding. I'm not particularly emotionally invested in anything with that. I do, however, have my funeral planned out to a "t". I've had my funeral planned since I was 10 or 12. I know that I was a simple casket, to be buried in gray because I don't feel worthy of being buried in white. I know that I want to be buried in the most simple casket anyone can build, under a weaping willow or some type of large tree. I don't want people dressed up and the reception should be a simple bonfire, with music, and beers. If anyone goes, it would be nice for them to share stories, but having people there doesn't seem realistic, let alone getting anyone to tell stories or even know that I died or to care that I passed. I know that, at 23, I have been a DNR for years.

Last night, I found myself in a position of longing that G-d would let me be done with life. I haven't been here in a long time. Chalk it up to being tired, stressed with so much newness with working L&D, or blame it on me not being able to make it in life without the wonderful support of a counselor because I'm just too weak; but this is not a good place to be. I don't like wanting to be gone and yet being stuck on this earth, in this body, with this life. I can't imaging a bright future. I don't know what it will look like. Not even one little bit.

Will I go on to get my Master's? Doctorate? PhD?
Will I have a husband or family? Will I die alone?
Will I be happy? Or forever chasing happiness, but never able to reach it?

I have no clue what is going to happen. I pray that there are more good things than bad to await me in the future, but I feel like I'm 89 and looking back on my life where I have a hard time understanding my purpose on this earth.



You know when circumstances get so bad that all you can do is either laugh or cry? What does it mean when you do both? But the crying isn't from laughing too hard, it's all from just being utterly overwhelmed with life.

Rebuilding Life

As I've had the past couple weeks "off", I have noted that the month of June/July is not a good month for me as far as life/working goes. For the past several years, this has been a time of the year where I am trying to start jobs, find housing, and otherwise "homeless" and bouncing between both of my parent's houses.

Both orientations are proving to be a bigger pain in the a$$ than initially expected. Between both hospital's HR people contacting me, educators calling, appointments for paperwork and health screenings, and the slew of other things I have to get done while living an hour and a half away from where I need to be, I'm frustrated. Just breathe. I know that everything will get done and even if I was only trying to figure out this process for one hospital, it would still be annoying. It'll get done soon, I'm just looking forward to being done with hospital orientations and floor orientations, so I can just start working.

Praise the L-rd I've got decent amounts of experience in NICU and some post partum/baby experience. Hopefully I get to learn some new valuable things during orientation!!!

I'll be going through the same charting class twice in the next couple of weeks, and it's a class I went through 2-3 times throughout nursing school. I should be working directly for the company by this point, but that didn't seem to happen.

No housing has become available in order for me to be able to move down to College town anytime soon. Maybe it's because I sound like a child on the phone? Maybe it's because everybody and their cousin is moving to this damn state and snatching up any hopes of having a house I had. House prices are skyrocketing, rent prices are ridiculous, new houses are being built all over the place, and I predict another economy crash here in the near future. I can see the crash of 2008 happening again... soon. Until then, I'll be trying to find a place for me and the puppy to live.

This baby nurse is struggling.



How is your guys' summer shaping up?

Last Days

I resigned from my NICU job here in Small Town and have gotten several offers in College Town. So, it appears as though I'm moving back to that dreadful city. I tried to work closer to my parents so that I could live with them, but they took forever to get back to me, jobs are still pending review. Meanwhile, I have had several decent job offers in College Town and so now I'm looking at houses there.

This is exhausting. I've cried more in the past two weeks than I have my year here. I thought I was sick of this place and that it would be easy to leave, but nobody makes you feel more appreciated than when they know you are for sure leaving. Nurses and practitioners that used to get mad at me for small mistakes in critical situations (that didn't effect the outcome, nor did they really matter they are just their preferences), were all hugging me and telling me that I was a great nurse.

T hat got me thinking that so much of our identity at the hospital is simply being a "good nurse", "good CNA", "good doctor", or "good _________". Fill in the blank with whatever your title is and that's your new identity as a person within those walls. It's a difficult thing to be seen as your job title instead of as you as a person, but I guess that's all they know me as.  Many of the night shifters have expressed how much they'll miss me, so that was really nice. I signed off with my parents for the last time and told them to keep in touch on our NICU Facebook page. I've cried, hugged more people than I thought possible, and I was blessed to be able to run into most everyone I wanted to say goodbye to and found the rest on Facebook.

My last week at work was wonderful. I got to do all of my favorite things, say goodbye to mass amounts of people, and my unit threw me a going away party. I felt so special and so loved. G-d orchestrated the night to let me help with breastfeeding, let parents give a bath to a little baby that dad hadn't gotten to help bathe before, I went on a delivery, got to visit with the L&D, postpartum, newborn nursery, and women's center ladies. I also got to snuggle all of my favorite little babies that are on the unit. It's crazy to think of how much I've learned this last year to be able to help teach our newer nurses some of the skills they haven't done yet. I've started to realize how much extra they taught me because I was asking to learn and do more. My charge nurse that let me have that 1:1 baby that ended up dying really took me under her wing and tried to get me as much experience as possible.

I'm going to miss our people, our babies, and this town. I've really enjoyed living here and have just now gotten to the point of having friends (because they are new and actually go do stuff with me). This decision was so difficult and going through with the move is crazy difficult. However, the pro con list is sufficient enough to sway me to try another beginning closer to my family. Mostly, the decision has come down to grandpa just having a few months because he's been doing so poorly, and my grandmother being overbearing. I love her, but I definitely need boundaries and to be allowed to be an independent adult. Now I'm off to learn all the doctors and nurse practitioners at new hospitals. I am looking for a house when I didn't think I would have to move for another year. I am moving back to College Town when I swore I would never do so because of the past I left behind there. I am praying that I don't run into the guys or their families. I am also praying that as I try to incorporate myself into new units, that I am accepted, make friends, and that I'm able to keep up with the 2 part-time jobs that I've chosen so that I can work towards L&D experience, while not losing my NICU skills and the baby snuggles I've come so accustomed to. I was so excited and happy to move down here and it's so difficult to leave.

I pray the L-rd guide me, protect me, and cover me with his grace. This is a scary road, and I hope it gets me closer to the goals I have for myself and ultimately the plans G-d has for me.

On the bright side, I've tried many of the churches there, have my couple of favorites, I know the good and bad areas of town to live in, and have some friends there. It's not going to be completely new and scary. I just need a security system with cameras, a new face and name, and now furniture because I sold all mine! It'll be nice to move somewhere and have a basis of living there, a basis of my job duties and skills, and a slight social circle. I'm terrified of the flashbacks and nightmares that have already started and of running into the guys and their families. Exboyfriend's sister works on the floor that I will be starting to work in the NICU at and that terrifies me. She didn't like me before and she sure as hell won't like me now that I've submitted police reports and sexual assault allegations against her brother. I'm praying she got a new job somewhere else and that I will never see her. I don't know what I would do if I ever did run into her and I'm seriously considering using a nickname while I'm working there. I pray the Good L-rd wipes her memory of me and that I'm just some new person on the floor.

New Year of 2017!

Some of you may wonder what I've been up to for the past couple months...

Well, not much besides working. Work is getting better, mostly because I decided to stop bitching about problems that I can't fix, and working on either 1) fixing or 2) avoiding the problems I can. I know avoidance doesn't sound good, but sometimes it's okay. For instance, if there is a particular charge nurse that you do not work well with, it is okay to not sign up for her nights. Whether to simply give yourself a break or to not have to worry about being around her, or both. However, things with her are better, still awkward, but slightly better. I think she's trying to be nicer to everyone.

We have four new girls coming onto night shift in the next few months. One was a med/surg nurse for awhile and the others are new grads, I believe. Ummm, is it just me or does this seem like a bad idea? They are already upset about so many "inexperienced" girls being on the staffing sheet, let's add in a bunch of other complete newbies! I'm not saying we shouldn't give these new girls a chance, I'm just nervous that we don't have near enough experience on the night shift. If they are considering me "experienced", then we have a major issue.

I lost my first baby. Not lose as in misplace, I'm talking lose as in the baby went back to be with Jesus. It was a bitter sweet experience because those babies had a very small chance of survival, for how early they were and the start they had. And, if they had survived, their quality of life would have been terrible. I cried. I was holding it together until my ICU nurse turned NICU nurse friend started crying as she asked if I was okay. I kept baby alive for 10 hours, without sitting down/drinking/eating once in that amount of time.

There were constant drip changes, tests, blood gases, vent changes, glucose tests, IV insertions, bagging, and various other cared during that time. These babies, they were twins, fought so hard. The doctor was called constantly throughout the night and finally came in as all cares were maxed out. Doctor came in, for the third time that night, and he asked the parents if they wanted to pull support. We discontinued and capped off IV's and umbilical lines. We removed all wires we could, without putting the baby through more pain, and we gently swaddled them in the most beautiful blankets we could find. Finally, we removed their ET tubes and handed the babies to shocked parents.

Our worlds can change in an instant. In one moment, we can be excited for new babies, and picking out baby clothes, beds, and the like. In the very next breath, mere infants can float straight up to the Good L-rd's open arms.

That was my first night of 4. Following the 4 nights, I hopped on a bus headed to Home Town and visited a hot springs location with my mom. That week was so wonderful. We have 3 nights and 4 days at the hot springs, threw in a massage (my first massage ever), and had tons of time to talk over life while relaxing in the warm water. Yep, I'm gonna start getting more massages regularly. I'm working on self-care lately. I'm attempting to get an exercise plan and a workout buddy, but we'll see how far I get with that.

Well, that's all I've got for now. It's been 2 years since I met exboyfriend, and it's been over a year since I ever saw exfiance (except when he found me at that bar and the Angry Canadian from nursing school told him off for me.

Flashbacks come more in waves like memories would as opposed to the overwhelming drownings I used to live through on a minute by minute basis. These memories haunt me every day, but I am learning to survive and breathe through the waves and ground myself more efficiently.

Life rolls on and I am getting farther and farther from those guys. Man alive, I can't believe we're already about a month into the new year. Time is just flying by now that school is done.