Fiance's Plea

He found the scars.

He asked what they were from, I refused to answer so he told me to leave. As I was leaving, he called me back.

He guessed the whole thing. He understood and he knew before he even asked. He was asking, hoping I wouldn't tell him what he already knew.

He held me and asked questions that I hated to answer. Reasons were always there when it was happening, but when asked I had no words to explain.

I cried. I cried like I haven't in months.

He is angry. He is sad. He is hurt. Most of all, I think he's scared. He, like everyone, thought he would be able to fix me. He told me counseling is stupid and a waste of time, when I was going. Now that I'm not going and he understands how bad I've been struggling, now he is begging me to go back.

Thing is, I already know what the counselor will say. So, why would I go?

After sleeping on it, and wondering about my reasons for hours, they are coming back.

• I hate what has been done to my body at the hands of other people.
• I hate that I have lost all my friends because they dug too deep then high-tailed it out, leaving me alone. So alone.
• There are rumors being spread about me by my own extended family, but none of them will tell me what is going on. The only thing they say is that there are rumors and that I should go ask someone else in the family what they are.
• I cannot stand going to class because of a select few people who trample all over the rest of the class. 
• I start crying at work because I don't think I do well at my job, my patients do not really care if they get better, I'm with them to keep them safe from themselves. Thus, the nurses and rest of the staff avoid the room at all costs.
• I do not see any type of "light at the end of the tunnel" after graduation, or in the rest of my life.
• I used to want to get married, have kids, and start a future. I no longer want to bring other beings into the world and I don't see how anyone will want to marry someone who is no longer pure. Plus, I don't want my kids to go through what I've been through, or worse.
• I don't want to be here anymore.