Mental Illness

Today I read a post/article about having friends and loved ones that struggle with mental illness.

11 Things Those Who Love A Person With Mental Illness Should Know

I actually found it so helpful and true that I sent it to fiance, but I so wished I could send it to all of my friends and family.

I was going through Pinterest one night at work because I was sad and sometimes it helps me to go through the depression posts on Pinterest because it lets me know that what I experience and think isn't isolated to just myself. It also helps me put words to my tendencies and feelings because sometimes it's hard to describe what I'm going through and what is happening in my head to other people.

Through this search, I found that I am not the only one that goes through isolation because their friends start asking what's wrong and they keep digging. This digging then leads to them asking me to stop talking to them about what is happening in my head because they can't handle the fraction of a percent of the darkness I share with them. I'm not alone in this. Apparently, it happens quite frequently.

So, just a note to those of you who have friends and family (everybody): don't ask if you aren't prepared to actually help and continue to hear about the darknesses and struggles in the lives of those around you. I keep having friends who see me struggling and they think they can somehow help me. Guys, I've struggled with this most of my life and I have not come across a person or thing that can help me yet. G-d helps a lot, but life happens and my head gets messed up again. That's just how it works. However, I am sick of friends and family thinking they can save me, but after a little bit, they realize they can't even deal with my struggles and so they leave me or ask me to stop talking to them. This is absolutely devastating to me and to the others that go through this.

1. Don't get close and ask people questions if you are not entirely prepared to be able to stick with them and truly help them. They deal with their darkness just fine without you, they've likely done it for a long time. 
2. Don't ask them questions, give them hope of having support, and then ditch them when you start to hear just a little bit of what they have to deal with. That's cruel.
3. Don't think that they be "fixed" by something you do. 
4. Don't give them unsolicited advice. They know what to do, they know what works best for them. It's not good to tell them (us) what to do because you don't live our life. You have a friend with chronic major depression and you have gone through a slight bout of depression? That doesn't mean you know how to "fix" this for them. Everyone goes through their mental illnesses in unique ways. You can absolutely be there for them and give advice if they ask, but don't tell them what to do.
5. Don't ask them why they don't take meds, go to the doctor, or go to therapy. Professional help is good, but don't tell us what to do, that can make us shut down and when we don't do what you tell us to do, we know you're more likely to ditch us anyway.
6. Don't force them to talk if they don't want to talk. Chances are, they've been burned before so they are wary of opening up to anyone else because they have seen the ugliness that that brings about in your life and theirs. So, i they don't want to talk, then don't force it.
7. Don't dig. This goes along the same lines as the last one. But if they say they are fine and you know it's a lie, just leave it. I know that personally, it is easier to deal with my darkness alone and not fess up to being upset, than it is to say I'm having a bad day and then have to explain it to whoever asked.
8. Don't use them. Don't use them as an excuse. Don't overextend them just because you know they will help, this can make depression and a whole host of other mental illnesses worse for the sufferer. Don't use them as an example. Just don't.
9. Don't tell them to just get over it. No, we cannot just "get over it". If we could, don't you think we would have? Living with mental illness is not something we enjoy, it's way harder for us than it is for you to watch us, I promise.
10. Don't think we don't know it's hard for you. I've watched people struggle with mental illness and it's rough. I understand wanting to help them but not knowing how. I know what it is like to wish that they were back to their normal self, the person that I adore and know. 
11. Don't play the victim. It may be hard for you to hear what we go through, but you don't have to live it and you're only hearing and seeing a tiny bit of what occurs in our heads.
12. Don't take their moods personally. Sad days are going to happen regardless of whether you are there or not. Just accept that we will have bad days that have nothing to do with you even if we are with you all day.
13. Don't call them crazy. That's just mean. We aren't crazy, we are just have brains that don't control their hormones at proper levels so then we have "off" days. We aren't crazy.
14. Don't assume they don't know how to handle their mental illness. Oftentimes, they've dealt with their problems for a long time. Even if they haven't, they will find ways that help them or other ways that may make them worse.
15. Sometimes, just sometimes, it's okay to let them have a bad day. It's okay, it's going to happen. Even if they seem like they've been getting better, bad days will happen again. Occassionally, it's alright to just let them happen. Make sure they are safe, without digging or hurting their feelings, and then ask them if they want company or to talk. Ask them if you can help in someway. If they say no, don't take it personally. If they say yes, be prepared for tough stuff and make sure you stick around and support them how they need.
16. Don't make excuses to stay away from them. Are you finding yourself having a rough time dealing with what they are telling you? Don't just ditch them and don't bullshit your way out of spending time with them. You can be honest with them that what they are experiencing is difficult. Let them know that you cannot imagine going through what they are going through. Then, most importantly, reassure them that you won't leave them, no matter how hard it might be for you. Most importantly, keep the promise that you won't leave them by not leaving them. That doesn't mean stay with them 24/7, but just maintain the friendship and keep talking with them.
17. Don't act weird around us, we're people too. We have feelings and personalities and we are usually fantastic to get to know! We might just have difficulties with brain chemistry or something. Be patient with us and remember who we are on our good days.
18. Be patient. There are days when I don't get out of bed all day except to pee. I actually have had weekends where I sleep for a solid 3-4 days except for peeing. Leave us be and we will come out when we are ready. Sometimes we need to do other stress relieving things. I happen to take drives. I'll drive for hours to clear my head, be alone, and also listen to music. That's okay, let us do that if it helps. Sometimes I walk around stores for hours on end, just wandering. Sometimes playing piano helps or certain types of crafts. Occasionally, just being able to veg out with a children's movie is enough to help me through some of the bad times. Just let it be and we will ask for help or company when we are ready.
19. Know that we value you. We understand that we are hard to be around, hard to be friends with, and difficult to love. We really do, I promise. Stick around because we appreciate you getting to know us in the first place and we would love for you to stick around with us. Hug us (after you ask if you can) if we seem to be having a hard time. We may not always verbalize it, but thank you for being with us through our ups and downs.
20. Take care of yourself too. If we are saying things that stress you out, make sure you get some stress relief for yourself. Please, don't share our stories with others unless we tell you that you can. But make sure to take care of yourself so that the temptation to leave us is not as strong and you don't get burned out from being friends with us. We love you, we worry about you too which is why we usually don't want to share our burdens with you. We know it's a lot and we don't want to dump the heaviness in our hearts and the darkness in our minds onto you.

A lot of these are kind of duplicates but I find it important for people to know. Mental illness can sometimes make us blunt, or difficult, or sensitive, or numb, or any number of combinations of strange traits. Mostly, you help us just by being with us, even when you don't say anything. My friends know I love coloring and watching kid movies when I'm having bad days. So, they break out the coloring books and turn on a kid movie to help me out. Other times, they walk me around the mall and have lunch with me while keeping their side of the conversation going so that I don't have to be the one to talk when my head is in a major fog. Still other times, they let me go home and sleep, then send me funny videos and pictures on Facebook. All of these little things help me know that they see me struggling, but they respect me enough to meet me where I'm at and they let me call the shots with how I cope with the situation at that time. This is so important to me and I appreciate it more than they will ever understand.