My Heart Breaks

I stumbled upon this blog, and it hits close to home. This young lady lost her husband in a car wreck that she was present during.

Her post about Job is something that I very much relate to. I did not lose a husband, but the thoughts of suffering, grief, pain, and the roller coaster that is present after trauma is very much in line with revelations that were made to me in the aftermath of my traumas. I remember reading Job after I broke up with exfiance. Of all the times I had read it before my two years of hellish life events, I never understood how Job could continue to love the L-rd, how he could be so grief stricken one moment, and yet defend the L-rd. Having lived through the shit I've somehow survived, it somehow makes a little bit more sense now. I've been to the place where I was in so much pain I was praying the L-rd just end my suffering. Let's be real, I still have a few days like that here and there. I have been to the point of not caring, of being so broken and hopeless that I was sure life couldn't get worse, and then it did. Yet, I believe the L-rd brought me through. I have no idea why. Why this was my lot in life and why certain people experience things while others don't.

However, I have met so many people that simply don't understand how to be empathetic. They sing worship songs about suffering, sadness, loneliness, and pain, but it means something different to them than it does to me. I know this because of how they talk about the songs and also because I used to be there. The songs about suffering and loss used to remind me of wanting a boyfriend, losing belongings, or otherwise being sad that I was not handed all of my wants and desires on a silver platter. Now, having been through the events that put me here today, these songs remind me of the horrors I have endured and how I am still standing. Songs of salvation, forgiveness, love, and redemption bring me still that sting of intense pain (and typically a lot of tears), but also a sweeter peace than I knew before. I know the L-rd in ways I never thought imaginable and through it all, I feel like I know who I am just a little bit better. I praise the L-rd that many people do not understand this shift I am talking of, and I don't hold it against anyone because I don't want anyone to have to suffer in order to understand what I feel. But I am so very glad that despite the evils done to me, there is some hope and some type of silver lining to the brokenness and struggle of my life.



Please visit Ms. Murri's blog here and her other one here (though it only has a couple of posts). She's a great writer and doesn't ramble on like some people we know *cough, cough, wink, wink (me...)*