Didn't think it could get any worse... And then IT DID!

Oh. My. Goodness. *breathe* My past few weeks have been awful.

Last week was my first week off of L&D orientation. Sucked! Day 1, thought I was doing okay. Can't remember exactly what happened, but it wasn't terrible. Day 2, I had 2 labor patients, not good, but I handled it. Day 3, I came back, and found out that 1 of my patients that I thought was a 4, was actually not even 1 c.m. dilated and my other lady who was a 4 turned out to be a C section for being breech.

*breathe*

I turned in my application for a Nurse Midwifery program here in-state. 3-4 days after the deadline, I got an email saying that my application would not be turned in because I was missing transcripts for my transferred credit. I probably wasted $70 on the application, and it'll never even get in front of the admission board for them to decide whether they like me or not.

*just try to breathe*

Then I go to NICU and can't seem to do anything right when I'm there, so day shift is always yelling at me because they do things differently, but I was just following what the previous day shifter told me to do.

*frickin' breathe*

Yesterday I slept through my alarm and my poor counselor texted me 20 minutes into when I was supposed to be there and I didn't call back until 20 minutes after that! Oh my gosh, I feel just so awful. She's so sweet and understanding, but I hate hate hate wasting people's time and it's the holidays. I'm sure she could have been with her family or at home or doing anything else except for waiting for ridiculous me who couldn't even wake up for my 2 alarms.

*just fuckin' take a breath*

Last night, after missing my much needed counseling appointment, I kept tearing up in the middle of feeds. My babies were being difficult (I know, it's not their fault, they're learning how to be alive and eat and manage both at the same time. Lots of work and coordination! Plus parents yell at me on the regular here because of the way the doctors/practitioners change the plan of care all the time.) Regardless, babies can be frustrating and NICU work can be very stressful, even when you only have "feeder growers" because they don't want to feed and growing is even optional. So, between not feeling okay in my NICU knowledge at this hospital, not feeling at all okay in L&D, missing my appointment, being a general thorn in everyone's side, and the myriad of other reasons why I suck as a person... I just couldn't seem to get it together.

Fast forward to 2 hours before my shift was supposed to be up and: my rooming in mom hadn't woken up and she was 30-45 minutes late with her feed, one kid was taking for-frickin-ever to bottle feed and then threw up all over my lap, and my last kid was over in his bed screaming his head off in his inconsolable state.

Maybe I need to just quit breathing at this point and all of the frustrations of life would fade away...

I don't want to be a thorn in anyone's side. Yet, I find myself in a season of being a thorn in EVERYONE'S side, even my poor counselor!



I got to thinking and it's worth note that I cannot plan a wedding. Pinterest has all sorts of cute wedding things, and one of my counseling homework assignments was to make a wedding board on Pinterest of the things I would like to have at my wedding. I don't know what I want for a wedding. I'm not particularly emotionally invested in anything with that. I do, however, have my funeral planned out to a "t". I've had my funeral planned since I was 10 or 12. I know that I was a simple casket, to be buried in gray because I don't feel worthy of being buried in white. I know that I want to be buried in the most simple casket anyone can build, under a weaping willow or some type of large tree. I don't want people dressed up and the reception should be a simple bonfire, with music, and beers. If anyone goes, it would be nice for them to share stories, but having people there doesn't seem realistic, let alone getting anyone to tell stories or even know that I died or to care that I passed. I know that, at 23, I have been a DNR for years.

Last night, I found myself in a position of longing that G-d would let me be done with life. I haven't been here in a long time. Chalk it up to being tired, stressed with so much newness with working L&D, or blame it on me not being able to make it in life without the wonderful support of a counselor because I'm just too weak; but this is not a good place to be. I don't like wanting to be gone and yet being stuck on this earth, in this body, with this life. I can't imaging a bright future. I don't know what it will look like. Not even one little bit.

Will I go on to get my Master's? Doctorate? PhD?
Will I have a husband or family? Will I die alone?
Will I be happy? Or forever chasing happiness, but never able to reach it?

I have no clue what is going to happen. I pray that there are more good things than bad to await me in the future, but I feel like I'm 89 and looking back on my life where I have a hard time understanding my purpose on this earth.



You know when circumstances get so bad that all you can do is either laugh or cry? What does it mean when you do both? But the crying isn't from laughing too hard, it's all from just being utterly overwhelmed with life.

Dating Blessings

Blessings? For dating? From a website???

Yeah, I stumbled upon this list of 49 blessings for dating on aish.com and they are inspiring.

I love the way that judaism sends people off with blessings for each aspect of their life. Growing up in church, it seemed we prayed to counter-act "bad" things from happening. But in Judaism, there is a fundamental striving to focus on what is going well, how to keep things going well, and how to be in the moment. there is also a huge focus on... blessings.

With my confusion around dating growing by the day, having started several years ago with a middle school friend who asked me out (he got married senior year of high school and now has 3 beautiful children and works hard to provide well for his family). Dating has become a very dark subject in my life.

These blessings not only bring in G-d to the concept of dating, but they provide strength, positivity, and encouragement through the process.

I hope these blessing touch your heart, and help, the way they have helped me.

"The Dating Coach's 49 Blessing for the New Year"

1. May you answer the door when opportunity knocks.
2. May you love your life.
3. May you soon gain something you've always wanted.
4. May you know when to hold on and not be afraid when it's time to let go.
5. May inspiration strike at just the right moment.
6. May you be satisfied with being perfectly imperfect.
7. May you explore new options and open yourself to new possibilities.
8. May the challenges you face strengthen your core.
9. May your false beliefs evaporate and may you replace them with words of truth.
10. May you have time in your week to visit someone in need.
11. May you wear your smile, no matter how difficult today seems.
12. May your mind be filled with great ideas.
13. May you let go of something you no longer need.
14. May you overcome what is holding you back.
15. May your failures lead to success.
16. May you embrace and loving accept your body.
17. May you schedule your time wisely.
18. May you invite someone new into your world.
19. May you increase your confidence and boost your self-esteem.
20. May you laugh easily and often.
21. May you have the strength to put forth enough effort to get what you want.
22. May you be blessed with an abundance of love.
23. May you manifest your future by living as if it is already your reality.
24. May you receive encouraging words that elevate you.
25. May you be motivated to set and reach a new goal.
26. May your life be infused with meaning and purpose.
27. May you have strength, courage and wisdom to do the right thing at the right time.
28. May you be free of financial burdens.
29. May you hear what others say and more importantly understand what they mean.
30. May you redirect angry energy and use it as fuel towards something positive.
31. May you see clearly what you are meant to see and turn away from things not meant for your eyes.
32. May you know the right questions to ask and may you be open to receiving the answers.
33. May your words, actions or presence bring comfort to someone who is struggling.
34. May your eyes be wide open and may you clearly see the messages that are before you.
35. May you see clearly the obstacles that are before you and may you steer clear of any challenges.
36. May you strengthen yourself, both body and soul.
37. May you carry your physical and spiritual loads gracefully.
38. May you find something wonderful to do this year that inspires you and connects you to great people.
39. May many singles find their soul mate and be satisfied with their choice.
40. May those in need of healing recover completely, mind, body and soul.
41. May your senses be awakened by a pleasing surprise.
42. May you find the perfect place to call home.
43. May you visit exceptional places.
44. May you be satisfied in being uniquely you.
45. May the efforts you make yield the results you desire.
46. May you have a good today and a better tomorrow.
47. May you find your purpose in the world and pursue it with passion.
48. May you harness the wonderful power within you.
49. May you have a huge breakthrough!

And let us say Amen.

May God bless our lives with bountiful blessings for the new year.

Shana tova.

Blessings,

BA

Injustices All Around

I crave justice. I strive for fairness in all I do, and simply desire that that be returned to me. Of course, this is ridiculous.

The world is not fair. Life is not fair. Justice belongs only to G-d. He is the only one that can enforce anything, who knows what happens honestly, and who can actually fairly judge anyone.

If life were fair:

• Abuse, assault, and pain would be non-existent
• Neglect in care would not be seen for anyone
• IF bad things happened, then people would be fully prosecuted for their wrong-doings
• exboyfriend would be in jail or convicted and registered as a sexual offender
• exfiance would definitely be in jail
• OR, better yet, they would have both been stoned in the "old days"
• This illegal alien with felonies, multiple deportations, and various other charges, would have been imprisoned and charged with murder, because that's what he did
• All these asshole executives would never assault, harass, and torture people just because they think the world should worship them
• There would be children who never know the pain of being abandoned and/or neglected
• Nobody would know the sting of loss
• Best Friend never would have done what he did that hurt me so deeply
• There would be far less damage and pain, if any, in the world

Yet, we all know suffering. 

We all know loss, dread, pain, disgust, pain, and the feeling of our hearts breaking.

I'm not allowed to watch the news, as per my counselor. But, it's impossible to not hear or read what is happening in the world. 

I'm not allowed to watch the news because it makes me irrationally angry. It hurts my heart. I am overwhelmed with grief for the things I cannot prevent or fix.

It's all too much to handle. Between the weight of my personal burdens, and the smothering fog of the evil in this world, there is no air to breathe.