Dating Blessings

Blessings? For dating? From a website???

Yeah, I stumbled upon this list of 49 blessings for dating on aish.com and they are inspiring.

I love the way that judaism sends people off with blessings for each aspect of their life. Growing up in church, it seemed we prayed to counter-act "bad" things from happening. But in Judaism, there is a fundamental striving to focus on what is going well, how to keep things going well, and how to be in the moment. there is also a huge focus on... blessings.

With my confusion around dating growing by the day, having started several years ago with a middle school friend who asked me out (he got married senior year of high school and now has 3 beautiful children and works hard to provide well for his family). Dating has become a very dark subject in my life.

These blessings not only bring in G-d to the concept of dating, but they provide strength, positivity, and encouragement through the process.

I hope these blessing touch your heart, and help, the way they have helped me.

"The Dating Coach's 49 Blessing for the New Year"

1. May you answer the door when opportunity knocks.
2. May you love your life.
3. May you soon gain something you've always wanted.
4. May you know when to hold on and not be afraid when it's time to let go.
5. May inspiration strike at just the right moment.
6. May you be satisfied with being perfectly imperfect.
7. May you explore new options and open yourself to new possibilities.
8. May the challenges you face strengthen your core.
9. May your false beliefs evaporate and may you replace them with words of truth.
10. May you have time in your week to visit someone in need.
11. May you wear your smile, no matter how difficult today seems.
12. May your mind be filled with great ideas.
13. May you let go of something you no longer need.
14. May you overcome what is holding you back.
15. May your failures lead to success.
16. May you embrace and loving accept your body.
17. May you schedule your time wisely.
18. May you invite someone new into your world.
19. May you increase your confidence and boost your self-esteem.
20. May you laugh easily and often.
21. May you have the strength to put forth enough effort to get what you want.
22. May you be blessed with an abundance of love.
23. May you manifest your future by living as if it is already your reality.
24. May you receive encouraging words that elevate you.
25. May you be motivated to set and reach a new goal.
26. May your life be infused with meaning and purpose.
27. May you have strength, courage and wisdom to do the right thing at the right time.
28. May you be free of financial burdens.
29. May you hear what others say and more importantly understand what they mean.
30. May you redirect angry energy and use it as fuel towards something positive.
31. May you see clearly what you are meant to see and turn away from things not meant for your eyes.
32. May you know the right questions to ask and may you be open to receiving the answers.
33. May your words, actions or presence bring comfort to someone who is struggling.
34. May your eyes be wide open and may you clearly see the messages that are before you.
35. May you see clearly the obstacles that are before you and may you steer clear of any challenges.
36. May you strengthen yourself, both body and soul.
37. May you carry your physical and spiritual loads gracefully.
38. May you find something wonderful to do this year that inspires you and connects you to great people.
39. May many singles find their soul mate and be satisfied with their choice.
40. May those in need of healing recover completely, mind, body and soul.
41. May your senses be awakened by a pleasing surprise.
42. May you find the perfect place to call home.
43. May you visit exceptional places.
44. May you be satisfied in being uniquely you.
45. May the efforts you make yield the results you desire.
46. May you have a good today and a better tomorrow.
47. May you find your purpose in the world and pursue it with passion.
48. May you harness the wonderful power within you.
49. May you have a huge breakthrough!

And let us say Amen.

May God bless our lives with bountiful blessings for the new year.

Shana tova.

Blessings,

BA

Life Goes On

I survived both/all three? first year anniversaries from my assaults. I write both, because it was over two days. I put three, because there were three assaults.

Anywho, I survived them. Yesterday was hard, but I made myself eat (dinner...), I used my essential oils, I had a glass of wine, Roomie and I made a list of 10 reasons why I am better off without exboyfriend, I bought myself flowers, and I skipped the class I could (peds) and did the things I absolutely had to do (world religions). Then, after all that, I woke up this morning. I may have struggled yesterday, and today, but now my two days of anniversaries are done and life will go on for awhile longer... unfortunately.

Today in counseling, we discussed how I probably don't need to be going in very much anymore. I'm cutting down to once a week next week. I know that counseling is only supposed to be temporary, to get you able to survive in life alone again, but I'm sad that this season is coming to a close. Counselor asked what else I felt like I needed to work on and I couldn't think of anything. I mentioned self-esteem, but we determined I am way better in that department than I was ever before in my life... I brought up rational thought and confidence, and we determined I was growing well in those areas as well... I'm becoming more assertive, setting boundaries, and I'm learning how to cope with my traumatic past. She told me she thinks I'm graduated from PTSD to post-traumatic growth. Look it up, I guess it's a real thing.

I saw it mentioned on some documentary that I woke up to, because I sleep with my television on. The psychiatrist on the documentary was saying that post-traumatic growth is being able to be better than baseline after your healing begins after a trauma.

So, imagine your life at baseline. You have a traumatic event and it plummets you past the deepest valley you could ever imagine for yourself. You are suspected to be in post-traumatic growth when you slowly work back up to your baseline (before your trauma) but then somehow surpass that level.

I was reading somewhere online that mentioned that post-traumatic growth can be suspected (that sounds negative, but it's actually a really good thing) when: you find joy in the smaller things in life, stressful things don't phase you as much, you can reflect on your traumatic experiences and they don't completely floor you, you are happy again or happier than you were before (because you understand the value of life), and there were others but I cannot find the article nor can I fully remember. But, whatever the points were, I met them all!

Yes, each day is still full of triggers and many days are a huge struggle, but I get through them and don't stay in bed all day! I am beginning to look forward for my future again, and I am beginning to forgive myself and understand that I could have done nothing to make the situation better. It wasn't my fault. This understanding is still very much a struggle most days, but I'm believing it more days than not.

I have a hope. I have a future. I have a life to live and people to prove wrong. I have guys to give the biggest middle finger to of living a life they told me I could never live.

Counselor and I discussed how I feel guilty but also relieved to say that I hate these guys. I hate what they did to me. I hate that they ruined my life. I hate that they have no traumatic aftermath and I have no permanent healing ever, for the rest of my life!

These fuckers destroyed my life, fucked up my brain, invaded my body in the most brutal of ways, and my life will never be the same. I'll never be innocent again. I will never get back what they stole. There is a good chance I will never get justice.

So, living my life the way they told me I never could is my best payback. L-rd, give me a loving, kind, gracious, wonderful husband that shows me the way ladies and people are supposed to be loved! L-rd, provide me with the sweetest, most beautiful, kind, smart, wonderful, blessed children! L-rd, bless me in my nursing career and pave the way for me wherever I may go! Open doors that I never dreamed were possible, even when I was completely "pure" and not polluted by the pure evil these assholes forced upon me. L-rd, show Satan that he does not win by blessing my life and allowing me to live ridiculously joyfully and happy for the rest of my life! L-rd, redeem me and give me justice! Most of all, L-rd, do not turn your back on me. Do not leave me or forget me. Remember the things I've had to survive and give me years of peach, joy, happiness, excitement (only good excitement), love, contentment, and absolute bliss.

Baruch HaShem! Bless you L-rd for all you've done for me so far and heal my heart, my body, and my mind oh L-rd.

Miraculous First Day of OB!!!

Guys, I had such a fantastic day today!!!

So, our first day was supposed to be yesterday, but there was a second snow day. Needless to say, my much needed counseling session was cancelled and rescheduled next Tuesday... It's going to be rough. I wanted a snow day, but only for Monday. I got so sad when counseling and my first day of OB clinical was cancelled! Oh no!!!

Regardless, when we showed up today, there was a super low census. They were sending nurses home left and right. There was only one woman laboring, less than a handful of women in Mom/Baby, and NICU has a short supply of babies. This is in a hospital known for having the busiest Labor Delivery/Mom Baby/NICU and all other woman related portion of the hospital in our half of the state. They fly and transport people to this hospital from several other states because they are a great hospital. So, to have such a low census and also request for students to be paired with nurses was not ideal at all.

As is typically the case, I was the odd man out. The other students were able to be put in their assigned area for the day. The other girl who was supposed to be with me in Mom/Baby ended up being able to make up her NICU day from yesterday. I wanted that to happen because she really wanted to go there and I've already been there the past couple of summers. Praise the L-rd! Anyway, I was the last one and it took about 20 minutes to even find a baby or patient for me to be able to see.

I ended up getting pulled into a circumcision! Yay! I have wanted to see one for a really long time and we had missed the one earlier today and that bummed me out. Naturally, I prayed about it. L-rd, can I please see a circumcision during my time here in OB clinicals. Then I didn't even give it another thought. Little did I know He was going to answer that prayer today! And not even 30-45 minutes after I had requested that in my heart. Praise you L-rd for answering even the smallest of prayers.

With that baby having to stay in the nursery for a couple hours, I got to also practice my newborn assessment and it was way easier than I expected. Granted, the baby had no abnormals and I had a nurse helping me assess and then chart the whole time. Check that off the list of stuff I am supposed to do for clinicals. Yay! Plus, the NNP that performed the circumcision was so sweet and her and the nurse assisting pulled me right in and explained everything they were doing. They were so incredibly sweet.

As I was sitting there charting the assessment, my instructor came in to check on me and saw there was nothing going on and the baby was fixin' to get discharged. "You want to see a placenta?" She asked. "Hell ya I do!" Of course, I didn't say those exact words, I just said "Ya!" but you know what I mean. So, I got to discover the placenta, look at all of the components of it, touch it (through gloves), and talk about some of the complications that can occur with the placenta. Then, after we talked about it and held it, she asked if I wanted to practice IV's. What kind of a question is that? Of course I do! So, I started two IV's on a placenta. No big deal. Just kidding, it's a HUGE deal!

Then we had dinner, since it's the evening clincal group. After dinner, I had nowhere to go. The baby I had watched got discharged. The unit I was supposed to be on had patients leaving and so they were down to 2-3 patients and didn't want a student. So my instructor set me up with a computer and asked me to research some points that I thought were interesting to share with the rest of the group. After brainstorming, I picked nursing interventions for babies withdrawing from alcohol after being born and nursing interventions related to STI's in pregnancy/L&D. I got through finding the info for withdrawal babies when my intructor busts into the room and says, "Hurry up and come with me! I might have found you a procedure to come and watch. It's not much, but it's better than research."

Well okay! Off we go RUNNING down the hall to get me changed into hospital scrubs so I can go into the OR. We get me all decked out in the funky hair net/hat thing, shoe booties, and greens (scrubs) and I am ushered into the OR.

My instructor was yelling from the door, "Hurry up! Take off your clothes! Throw these on! Let's go, let's go! I hear voices!!!" According to my friend in the same clinical group, it sounded hilarious from outside the locker room because my friend had no idea what was going on, she just heard my instructor telling me to hurry up and strip down. Oh goodness, that made for a funny post-conference.

Anyway, I got all dressed up and made it into the OR and stood there for about 15 minutes waiting for the patient and doc to get there. No big deal, I'm good at standing in corners looking awkward.

A lady came up to me randomly and asked, "So are you the nursing student?" I said I was. Then she started quizzing me on what to do in a certain situation and why. I answered, correctly according to her, but she gave further rationale and what interventions she did. Turns out, that was the doctor! I was floored because she was so nice. But wait, it gets so much better!

As they were prepping the patient, the doctor had me come closer to her, then literally pushed me closer to the patient and told me, "the only way you learn is if you get up real close and watch everything". She said it nice, the words are easy to mistake for not being said nice, though. Of course, I know that getting up closer will help me see, but we are taught to stay in the corner and try to see around the people who are actually trying to do their jobs.

Well, the OB got all geared up in sterile gown and gloves then turned to me and told me to go scrub in! WHAT?!? Am I allowed to do this? She must have been reading my mind because she asked the nurse (who was the patient's nurse and the charge for her section of the women's ward) and the nurse said it was totally fine. Off I go, all sorts of excited, and I scrub in really carefully, making sure I don't cause problems for the patient. I go in and they gown me up in sterile gown and gloves and talk me through everything! All of this to allow me to hold a retractor (this one looked like the bottom half of a speculum that was detached and the OR tech was holding the top portion so that I was able to see everything the doctor was doing). She kept stopping and moving to the side so that I could see the problem she was working on, her stitches, how to make sure the problem was fixed and everything! She talked me through it all and she was just absolutely amazing. I also got to watch as they intubated her and the doctor and anesthesiologist made sure I got to look down the patients throat to be able to see her "windpipes" when they were intubating the patient at the beginning. I had even mentioned that I wanted to become a midwife and the doctor asked, "A certified nurse midwife, right? Because you'd get clocked if you want to be a lay-midwife!"

Me: "Ya, a CNM."

Doc: "Okay, good!"

Haha, if I were to be a lay midwife I could have saved a lot of time and money and have been working for a few years already!

When the surgery finished and the patient was getting wheeled back, the doc encouraged me to follow the nurse and ask questions. I did, but mostly I just helped get the patient hooked up in PACU. The nurse seemed to like the help, maybe. I don't know. I get confused because I can't tell if students are a gigantic pain in their ass and just an extra thing to keep track of during the day, or if they actually like us being with them if we are able to help. Whatever. She and the anesthesiologist seemed pretty impressed that I was able to help hook the patient up, but I don't know why because I still don't know what I'm doing but I offered to hook up leads, hook up the BP cuff, take a temp, and talked with the patient as she came down off her anesthesia. Regardless, it was great.

When I walked back to the nurse's station, I ran into two of my classmate. They, and all of the other nurses, were asking me how it was and what happened and everyone was so excited to hear about what I had gotten to do. How did they hear all of this? I don't know!

From there I went straight to post conference, where I was late because of said surgery, and they stopped post-conference and had me tell them all about it because they had heard some of what happened!

How did they know??? Good heavens, it's like they knew about all of it before I even got to the hospital today!

Anyway, I told the story, keeping the scrubbing in part out in case I wasn't supposed to do that. Then my instructor added it in! I asked if I was in trouble and she said "Absolutely not! That is amazing that the doctor let you do that! Plus, doc so-and-so pulled me aside afterwards and she absolutely loves you!" I'm almost certain my jaw dropped and I got so excited and giddy I don't remember much else of post-conference.

I've been on cloud 9 ever since the circumcision and yet G-d keep blessing me more and more!

I absolutely loved that doctor. I loved the nurses and surgical techs I was able to work with. I am so incredibly grateful for this whole amazing adventure I had today. There were a lot of times, thinking back on today, that I could have been grumpy or upset because I had nowhere to go and no plan for me. Well, G-d had a plan. I did not get sad or upset or grumpy all day and He continued to bless me, time and time again. It's almost like it was a mini-testing season with amazing rewards that were given nearly immediately to me.

Today was the best day I've had in nearly a year or longer! The day after I was so bummed, discouraged, and sobbing (for 20-30 minutes last night), G-d blesses me with such an amazing experience as today was. I'm am blown away and so very humble at this moment.

Recap: circumcision, newborn assessment, placenta, IV's in placenta, dinner (unremarkable), research (slight bummer), and then getting pulled to go into a surgery, then... SCRUBBING IN TO SAID SURGERY!!! 

So incredible and such a blessing filled day. I'm in awe of the way G-d works in my life. I needed a booster and this was exactly what I needed. It shows I was right for fighting to stay in OB this semester, instead of pushing it off until next semester as was suggested in counseling. This is my passion, within my passion of nursing. This is where I feel I belong. This is where my heart is happy and I make sense in this world. I feel G-d made my heart to want to serve women in this season of their life.

Thank you L-rd for your many miracles and behind-the-scenes workings. Praise you L-rd for giving me joy in the midst of this long season of darkness.

Not my family, Not my life

I'm just going to start by saying I HATE Halloween. I cannot stand it. If there were a stronger word in my vocabulary than hate, despise, or the like then I would use it. In fact, I think that my strong dislike for this day deserves its very own word that should be made up right now. Problem is, I am not super creative so I can't come up with a word... Just pretend that it is really strong and clever. Thanks!

Anyway, back to the title. The lady that I babysat (notice past tense) for in the past just got married. Understand that I nearly put off college to remain at home with her to take care of her children because her husband cheated on her and pretty much abandoned her and her four children, one of which was a newborn at the time. I adored this family. I had prayed for them for such a long time and I felt like I belonged as their babysitter/nanny. It's been about three years since he first left and about a year and a half or two years since their divorce was finalized. Her children melt my heart and they came up with their own nickname for me. We are also on the basis of telling each other that we love each other because we share intimate areas of our lives and hearts with each other. This story only scrapes the surface of how much I truly care for this family.

About a week or two ago, she got married. Yes, I am happy for her because she seems really happy. They only dated for a couple of months but they have known each other for years through church. Actually, I knew him at church too because that's how I met this lady to begin with. So, even though their dating only lasted a few months and their engagement about a month, they have known each other for awhile. I was kind of hoping to be a bridesmaid at her wedding, but they had a teensy wedding in her parent's backyard and nobody was really invited. Plus, it's not fair that I would assume she would ask me. It's also not fair of me to assume that I am such an integral part of her family. Still, it breaks my heart that I don't ever get to babysit or see them anymore. I call these children my kids. All my friends know that I have had 4 kids since I was 16 because those are my kids! Yet, I haven't seen them since June, except on Facebook.

I guess I'm a bit jealous that I am no longer in the picture and yet her life is moving on. I miss them and I stay stuck on the past while this lady and her family (and everyone else in the world) continue to move on with their lives. Wow, I sound narcissistic. Really, I don't think I am that important that her world would come to a halt just because I was not there, but I have a tough time with any kind of change. I am happy that she seems happy. I pray that she finds joy in this new phase of her life and I pray that the kids are held by the L-rd through their time dealing with their parent's divorce. I want happiness and joy and love for them all, I just don't understand why it's so hard to watch this all from the outside.

I think I need to shut off my Facebook, it just seems to depress me the more I go on it. I also need to get out of the past. I keep wishing life was the way it was before, but that's just not how life or time works.

L-rd willing y'all won't get yourself too scared this Halloween season. A few more hours in my time zone and then I have survived Halloween 2014!!! May your remaining time be easy to cope with and not at all scary.

Blessings!
BedpanAlley

Try Not To Cry

For my final post of the night (hopefully), I wanted to share one last video. This beautiful video is about one couple's marriage and about their love for each other. It made me sob because marriage today does not seem to happen like this anymore, or at least we don't hear about it. This is how I imagine G-d's love for us is on some level (though His love is so vast no one can ever understand it). This is what I desire for my marriage to be like and I pray that if G-d has prepared a husband for me, that we are able to love like these two loved each other.

Have tissues handy. Do not watch after fresh application of make-up. Make sure that you didn't have any other human interactions planned for the day. Hold on tight because this video is so sweet and simple, but very deep at the same time.

Are you ready?

Watch it here.

This video has blessed me and it has been an answer to my prayers asking G-d what the meaning of marriage is.

Boundaries

Recently, I got yelled at over email because I told my former roommate (that I was going to room with next year too) that I could not live with her. I know that I did not handle the whole situation the way I was supposed to, but I had planned to talk to her in person. I asked her to let me know when she was leaving so that I could talk to her before we both left school for the summer, but she didn't so I had to email her. This was probably actually a blessing because I don't think I could have handled it very well. So, that was a blessing that she did not let me know when she was leaving. However, the email I received made me cry.

Fortunately, G-d showed me all the true colors of my former roommate before I signed a lease to stay with her for another year. She revealed how she really feels about me and I am pretty sure I was going to be used instead of in a partnership. Plus, it turns out that she had been the one spreading rumors that caused the problems last semester for me with my other roommates which has now blown up. However, G-d has brought me more friends than I ever expected. All of the people that they stopped talking to now talk to me and we have a huge group of friends.

Through all of this, I kept having this thought of, "what's wrong with me that I keep finding people that use me and people that hate me?" The last year I have been pestered by this awful thought but it is not true, it if from the Adversary. If people are going to be unhappy with the way that I set my boundaries and the fact that I will no longer bend over backwards for people that disrespect me time and time again, then they will have to talk with G-d about it.  She had continually put me down and talked about me poorly behind my back. The last stick of straw that broke my back was the fact that my other former roommates did something right in front of her and she didn't stick up for me. If we are going to live together and trust each other essentially with our lives, we need to stick up for each other and defend each other. Long story short, my tears today are now stopped and I have a strengthened resolve to stick up for myself because I can't depend on anyone to stick up for me if I don't do it for myself.

So, for everyone that reads my rantings and ravings about life and nursing school, please set boundaries for yourself. Teach people how to treat you and don't back down. Talk with G-d to see what boundaries you need to set up for yourself and ask Him to teach you how to enforce them in a loving and kind way. My boundaries are set by me and G-d and if they are challenged by other people, I will talk to G-d and see if I need to be changed. I will talk with my mentors and my parents to figure out what I need to change or if I even need to change. You should also find mentors that love you enough to tell you the truth with what they believe is best for you, based on sound, Biblically sound advice.

Big News!!!

Hey guys, I just wanted to let you know I made the big leap... I have a boyfriend... Oh golly, I can't do this. That was an April Fool's joke. Not very good, I know, but I had to try it.

Anyway, I got an email from one of my professors saying she would not have class today and I think she means it, but I can't help but think it could just be a prank. So, I will probably not go and see what happens. In the 5th grade, my teacher played a mean prank on our class. We had just gotten done with our standardized testing that we had to do every year, but he pretended like he had forgotten to give us a test. So we were all getting stressed out, wondering how this could have happened. Then he slapped a piece of paper onto the whiteboard with "April Fool's" written across it. We spent the rest of the day (about 3 hours) outside playing kickball with the teachers and other classes from our grade! It was so much fun, I miss kickball.

Everyone be careful today. Beware of the sugar in the salt shaker or salt in the sugar container. Watch for faucets that spray you and other shenanigans today as we make our way cautiosiously through the day of pranks.

On a completely random note (what's new?), I bought Francesca Battistelli's albums on Amazon. 1) Her music is amazing and such a blessing to me. 2) Amazon is so much cheaper to buy music through than iTunes!!! How did I never know this before? One 11 song album was $4 compared to $10 and the music downloads/imports into your iTunes account if it is on your computer. Plus, they have coupon codes and discounts available a lot of the time, you just have to search for them. I am all for saving money and this is a great way to do it when you buy music. Also, take a look at Cloverton. My favorite song of theirs is "Take Me Into the Beautiful" but I bought their albums too and they are amazing!

An update on today will likely come later today, stay tuned...

Scholarship

I got a call a couple days ago about a possible scholarship award. They said they had moved my application from one scholarship to another because I fit it better and now I have an interview! It would be such a blessing to get this scholarship because it is really big and I don't know how else I will be able to pay for next year. L-rd willing, I will be able to get this scholarship, plus the RA position.

By the way, I still have no headway on what I am going to do about this guy that may have a thing for me. The more I talk to people, the more unclear I get. When I talk to G-d I don't really seem to be getting the big signs that I am looking for either and I am not quite sure how to listen to His still, quiet voice. I don't know what to do!!! And this is really frustrating that I cannot get a straight answer. Some people know my plans and they say that G-d will let whatever happen happen. Yes, I know G-d will let whatever happens happen, but that does not let me know if I should go ahead in a relationship or not. Other people tell me that it is just part of the "college experience" to date people and it should be fun to have a boyfriend. To me, dating is not a hobby or an experience. Dating, in my opinion, is like a trial for marriage. It should be taken seriously and used to get to know a person before you get hitched because marriage is a lifetime commitment. It should be fun, don't get me wrong, but dating is not just something to do just for the fun of it. So, I am back to square one, not knowing if my plans are truly the ones set up by myself and G-d, or if He is telling me to go ahead and scratch my plans to go for something better. To tell you the truth, I don't know how I got all of my plans and requirements and if I stick with them, there is a HUGE chance I will never, ever, ever date anyone. Therefore, I will never be able to get married. This is one of those days where I would love to sit down and have coffee with G-d. Well, tea for me because I get heart palpatations from caffiene or too much sugar... But I just want Him to hug me and tell me it's going to be alright and I need Him to tell me what to do. If only I could have coffee with Him, maybe I would have peace and reassurance in what I need to do.

This reminds me, I have not been treating Him right lately. He has not been my top priority, I have been my top priority. That is probably why my depression is coming back, that is likely why I feel helpless, and it is also why I am down in the dumps even though my life seems to be turning around and getting "better". To tell you the truth, I have not been reading the Word every night like I normally do, I have not been going to any churches or congregations at all, I haven't been watching anything online either. I have put Him on the backburner because I figured school is right now and G-d will always be there. While it is true He will always be there, we have the choice of whether to nourish and build the relationship with Him, or to let it dwindle. When we build the relationship with Him, He takes care of our entire life and allows everything to fall into place. However, when we let the relationship dwindle or take push it aside, we push Him out of our life and He lets us "drive" on our own for a little bit. Obviously not completely, because if I were driving completely by myself, I would not be alive anylonger. But He lets us think we are taking the wheel so that we can realize that we are helpless. So, my grades are not doing well, work is extremely difficult, I can't hear Him because there is too much inbetween us (all of it on my side of the me and G-d connection), and the Enemy now has a ton of footholds in my life because I am not surrendered to Ad-nai completely. This is a miserable place to be. Again, it makes me want to go to coffee and apologize and begin to build our relationship back up, but that is not how it works. So, I will begin again, asking for forgiveness and working to put Him first. Now I understand why so many people fall away from the faith when they go to college. It is so easy to let church or congregation slide, to let fun things infiltrate your free time and to avoid things you know as right when the world is offering entertainment and "good" feelings.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am so very grateful for G-d's forgiveness. His love is overwhelming and even though I know I messed up willingly, He takes me back once I admit that I was in the wrong and work towards getting closer to Him. I am grateful that He allows us to make mistakes because it means that He allows us to have complete free will. Many days I wish He would just tell me what to do, but where would faith come into play? He allows us to fall so that He may build us up for His glory. I am grateful that He has kept me safe and that He has chosen me to live this life. I am also grateful that the biggest problem in my life right now, is figuring out whether or not I should date someone. In reality, this is not a big problem at all, I just overthink everything and make a mountain out of a mole hill. I am also thankful that G-d is working with me on that...

For those of you who pray to the One true G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob: please pray for favor in my RA position attempt and also for favor for the scholarship. I am asking for favor for the largest scholarship award they allow because I really need that plus the RA position to get headway in paying for next year. Also, please pray for my acceptance into the nursing program and a really good score on the HESI.

Does anyone else have any thanksgivings, prayer requests, or anything to add to my above rants? I would love to know what you think about dating and our/your relationship with G-d! Please private message me or comment below. :)

Test Results

In college, tests usually end up being scheduled all in the same week or two. I don't really know why this is, but it is a pattern I have discovered. Last week and the week before just happened to be my testing weeks. As you may know, I got a C on my A&P Lab test, a B on my A&P Lecture, a B on my Chem test and I finally got my grade back for psych... I got 104% with no extra credit offered!!! It wasn't even a typo, the teacher just decided that 6 questions were not properly worded, so she gave the entire class (of nearly 400, I think) 12 extra points. This was my first A of the semester (even without the extra points) on a test and it felt really good. Somehow, it doesn't seem as though I deserve it because I did not study nearly enough for the test, and the whole thing is multiple choice. But I am so very glad with the results because my other grades were really getting me down. This is a start, not a great one, but it's not nearly as bad as it could have been. Now, just to finish off the week... I have psych left today since I went to Chem this morning. Then I have A&P, English and Chem lab tomorrow. 11.5 weeks remaining in the semester, out of 18 (including spring break and finals week). We are making head-way guys!

My struggle to nicer talk update: I am struggling with this not because I gossip, but because I let others "vent" and gossip to me. I am also not to the point where I have stopped my sarcastic remarks to my friends. Everyone knows it is all fun and games, and most of us use sarcasm, but I don't want to be speaking anything but life to my friends. This may be a really difficult habit to break because we have morphed as a friend group to really shy and timid people, to being super comfortable with each other so we can poke fun at each others faults or shortcomings. While this may be fun, it is not right for me to do as a believer in Yeshua (Jesus' Hebrew name) because we are called to be children of light. In order to do this, we must be respectful and build each other up, speaking life over them, complimenting them, pulling them aside to talk about shortcomings that may affect the person/group, etc. When I started doing daily thanksgivings, it was really hard, I did not normally look for the good in life because I saw so much "going wrong". But once I got into the habit of looking for thanksgivings, I became more positive and happy. This was a crazy transformation because I struggle(d) with depression. Of coarse, I still have seasons of depression, but it is usually because I am not following the L-rd's plans, or I am rebelling in some way. Perhaps speaking life over my friends, and everyone else, will bring some sort of positive effect for them and maybe even for myself. I still need an accountability partner though... Maybe if I am accountable to all of you, it will work even better! Congratulations, you are all now helping me to live a more Messiah-like life! Don't be afraid to tell me when I am not speaking properly about others. Just be honest. Honesty seems even easier when you cannot see me and I cannot see you doesn't it?

I also want to start talking more positively. My friends compared me to the "grumpy cat" that usually has a frown and says some negative (yet funny) comment about most everything that is enjoyable. I know I complain quite a bit, even though it's not nearly as much as I used to. This is unacceptable for me to do. G-d blesses me with so much, how is it that my friends do not see the joy that comes from my relationship with Ad-nai? Obviously, I am living improperly, because my friends should see the love and excitement I have for G-d. I should be known for this joy and love, not for my depression, negative remarks, and sarcasm. I want to be known for being kind, gentle, loving, gracious, thankful, enjoyable, and positive. This has to change and I plan on allowing G-d to work with me on it.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful that I got an amazing grade on my first psych test. I am also thankful I paid off my balance from moving to a more expensive dorm room. G-d took care of both of those because I definitely could have managed extra cash or more than 100% on a test (that does not offer extra credit points). Today, I am feeling so blessed and at peace. I know I am blessed everyday, today is just one of those times I am able to really notice every single blessing and the overwhelming Shalom (peace and many other meanings, you should look it up) encompassing me like a hug. I am also thankful that G-d is pointing out my flaws. He disciplines and works on those He loves, as long as they are willing, right? Maybe I am learning how to listen to His whispers in my life, teaching me to live properly for Him. I sure hope so because I do not like living improperly especially when my friends know I am a believer. I want to make sure my life reflects His beauty in all aspects. I am thankful for His correction.

Let's Get Personal

I am a very quiet, private person. I love to listen and when you tell me something it remains confidential, even if what you tell me is just a personal opinion about your future wedding or something. I will keep this information confidential. While I enjoy listening to others talk, I do not talk much myself when I get the chance. I do not tell many people about my past and there are only a handful of people that have even a glimpse of how I used to be. It was bad. So, let's delve into my past shall we?

As I have said before, I grew up in church. I even when to a Christian school through fourth grade. Now, I was never really accepted, anywhere. No big deal, I just had a bunch of people I talked to, but no real friends. The people I did get close to, and they called me their "best friend", often ended up calling me fat or putting me down in various other ways. Let me tell you, I was chunky. But does that give a friend the right to compare her body to my body in the mirror, in front of fellow classmates (girls and boys!) and tell me I am fat? Does that give my so called friends the right to criticize my nose, or my figure in any way? Does that give my fourth grade teacher the right to point out that some people have "weight problems" and that she "has never been overweight in her life"? While I may have been chunky, I was in the healthy weight range for my age according to my doctor. Needless to say, I have had difficulties with people because those that are constant takers tend to latch onto me. They still do, I just know my boundaries now so they don't stick around too long.

So I grew up with all sorts of self esteem, friendship and personal issues. This lead me to be grateful to anyone willing to hang out with me. So I found K and M (I am only using their first initial to keep their privacy.) This was a huge mistake. K did a lot of crazy things. She got pregnant freshman year of high school and got an abortion, did a bunch of pranks, sneaking out at night. Just think of it, and there is a good chance she did it. M was an only child and K's best friend since forever ago. They grew up together. K was the leader and M did whatever K did. Somehow I got mixed up in the middle of this duo, creating an unstable trio. If one person was upset with someone, the trio became a duo and that happened a lot. With K, I started hating church even more than I already had. My mom still required me to go every sunday and wednesday, but I was miserable and she knew it. She just didn't know why. My youth pastor would ask what was wrong and I would say nothing. I began cursing, developing a worse depression and became suicidal.

I took part in a bunch of self-harm. I still have scars from scratching myself. I began taking tons of aspirin, ibuprofen and anything else that I could find in our medicine cabinet. At one point, I would take 40-50 pills right after school. While I was suicidal, I could never convince myself to do anything. G-d was protecting me. He never allowed me to get sick or be hospitalized. The worse thing that would happen is I would sleep for about 14-16 hours every night. From the time I got home until I had to get up for school, I just slept.

After several months of this, my mom sent me to youth camp with my church group. I rededicated my life to Yeshua, though I called Him Jesus at the time. I got baptized for the first time once I got back home that summer.  I was about 13 or 14. Ever since then, I still battle with depression, but it is never as bad as it was that year. I talk more with my parents about my struggles instead of keeping everything bottled up and I am wiser about who I hang out around. I am also wiser about how I let them treat me.

Now that you know some of my awful secrets, let me tell you what I am grateful for today. I am grateful that G-d did not give up on me, because He doesn't give up on us. I am so very thankful that the worst thing He allowed to happen to me through all of the suicide attempts, was I only fell asleep. G-d is merciful and gracious and I am so very thankful He protects me and gives me His Shalom!

HESI-A2

Ahhhh! The HESI is starting to be a major topic of conversation for us pre-nursing students. I have heard some people do not start studying until a couple weeks before the test, others start at spring break and still others begin over winter break. I , on the other hand, will likely begin studying just before spring break and go over the information a couple of times. I bought three books and I am thinking of getting a fourth because it looks pretty handy. Have any of you taken the HESI-A2 yet? Are you planning on taking it in the future? What books are the best?

Today, I am thankful for my independence. I have been blessed with a job, I have been blessed with a car and I have been super blessed with parents that have taught me how to take care of everything myself. While it is difficult paying for grown-up life, I am so very glad that I have this opportunity to be able to handle my own bills, live my own life and be "on my own"... in most ways. G-d taught me, through my parents, how to save to buy my own car, computer and a variety of other things. But I learned how to save and handle my own finances. Now, I am working my way through college, racking up a bit of debt, but not nearly as much as I could be. I am grateful for the independence and freedom that this country stands for and for the people who put their lives on the line every day in order to maintain this sense of freedom for us. G-d has surely blessed us all.