Injustices All Around

I crave justice. I strive for fairness in all I do, and simply desire that that be returned to me. Of course, this is ridiculous.

The world is not fair. Life is not fair. Justice belongs only to G-d. He is the only one that can enforce anything, who knows what happens honestly, and who can actually fairly judge anyone.

If life were fair:

• Abuse, assault, and pain would be non-existent
• Neglect in care would not be seen for anyone
• IF bad things happened, then people would be fully prosecuted for their wrong-doings
• exboyfriend would be in jail or convicted and registered as a sexual offender
• exfiance would definitely be in jail
• OR, better yet, they would have both been stoned in the "old days"
• This illegal alien with felonies, multiple deportations, and various other charges, would have been imprisoned and charged with murder, because that's what he did
• All these asshole executives would never assault, harass, and torture people just because they think the world should worship them
• There would be children who never know the pain of being abandoned and/or neglected
• Nobody would know the sting of loss
• Best Friend never would have done what he did that hurt me so deeply
• There would be far less damage and pain, if any, in the world

Yet, we all know suffering. 

We all know loss, dread, pain, disgust, pain, and the feeling of our hearts breaking.

I'm not allowed to watch the news, as per my counselor. But, it's impossible to not hear or read what is happening in the world. 

I'm not allowed to watch the news because it makes me irrationally angry. It hurts my heart. I am overwhelmed with grief for the things I cannot prevent or fix.

It's all too much to handle. Between the weight of my personal burdens, and the smothering fog of the evil in this world, there is no air to breathe.

New Horizons

Hello all. It's been a good, long time since I've posted on here. I miss you guys but feel there is nothing interesting going on in my life.

I go about single, for my second year, and wanting a relationship, knowing that I'm not ready and only wanting a relationship because I'm bored. It's a real problem.

My hospital is angering me and I am deeply regretting signing a two year contract and a two year lease for my house. Let's preface this by mentioning that my non-profit hospital got bought out less than a year ago. Changes started slow, then began all at once. One of the newest changes by the Big Mean Company that took over a great Small Town Hospital is the banning of overtime along with the mass hiring of far too many staff members. For our 20 bed NICU, we have 7-8 nurses scheduled EVERY FUCKING NIGHT!!! We will never need 8 nurses unless we have 4-5 1:1 cases and all the other beds filled and that plumb doesn't happen. I have worked 1 night out of 3 scheduled nights for the last 2 weeks and I worked 2/3 the week before. Granted, corporate could not have foreseen, nor predicted this extreme shortage of patients, going on 3 months now, but they could have known that we would never need 8 nurses. At most, we need 5-6 when every blessed bed in the unit is packed and 3 rooms have twins and so we're over-crowded for what would be an acceptable amount of children in our unit.

Back to present day, I am job hunting. The problems with this are: 1) I signed a 2 year contract with the hospital, 2) there is one other hospital in town and no others within 2 hours of here 3) travel nursing won't hire you until you have been a nurse for 1 year for which I am 2.5 months short of, by then we will likely have more children and far less staff because everyone is looking for jobs elsewhere. We all have bills and most of the nurses are the sole/main income for themselves and their families/children. Praise the L-rd I saved my PTO and have been living below my means. I also praise the Good L-rd for allowing me to not get a car when I wanted to in April because I could not have afforded the car payments with no income!

I kid you not, the hospital take-over that I am living through is nearly as bad as the hospital take over in Grey's Anatomy where they began having massive walkouts of the nurses/doctors. Thing is, they are in Seattle where hospitals and opportunities abound. I live in a dead-end town with no hopes of better prospects, unless I move.

Anyone have experience in breaking leases and/or contracts?

If I could be working on school or living at home with my parents, I would have no problems. But, alas, I am in serious trouble. Add in that work has been my happy place and my sense of purpose and excuse to get out of the house. Now I've got very little to do. Don't worry though, I'm not planning on getting my house completely unpacked and put away any time soon. I don't play that game.



Today I am considering online dating just so that I would have someone to talk to.



Somebody save me from this pit of a town!!!



I have applied to several travel nursing companies, the local university that is looking for a clinical assistant, and the other hospital in town (that I don't trust with my license) just so that I could start getting L&D experience. We'll see how it goes. I can't keep down 2 full-time jobs and I cannot afford the taxes for that level of income, but I don't know what else to do. I need L&D experience and I might end up needing to decrease my hours to part-time in the NICU and in L&D (if I got the job). I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I guess I'll just hope for the best and leave the planning to G-d. I don't even know what the best case scenario is, in this case, only G-d knows what is going to happen at all. I'm growing increasingly glad I have very few ties to this town (i.e. a boyfriend/fiance, children, schooling, a purchased house, etc). On the other hand, I feel as though my life is passing me by and I have nothing to show for it.

That's it. That's my entire update. I'll keep you in the loop if anything begins to come up in my life... in the future. Don't hold your breath, though.

Odd Feeling

I've been feeling strange for quite some time now. It's hard to explain, but it's one of those things that you can just sense you, yourself, are "off".

Looking through Facebook tonight, because I have very little to do in Small Town without a current graduate nurse permit... anywho, it occured to me that I have had to train myself to live in the present moment for the last several months. Actually, about a year and a half now. Don't get me wrong, I'm excellent at "tuning out" and dissociating. However, my dreams of the future have been dampened dramatically to trying to focus on the "here and now" so that I can get myself through each new hour that I am left breathing here on this planet.

There are still days I wake up startled from nightmares.

I still have several panic attacks a week/month (on a good month).

My eating and self-care is not nearly where it needs to be.

Flashbacks still occur several times every hour.

I don't like people at the door, it freaks me out.

Even in a different state, the sight of trucks freak me the fuck out. Doesn't matter if they're red, green, purple, neon orange, any color of the damn rainbow; they freak me out... again...



Ragardless, these things have become my new normal. Flashbacks and nightmares and trucks still frighten me to my core, but I am not as notably shaken to everyone else because I've been battling this shit for over a year now.

For a year I haven't been able to dream for my future. I can't think about a time when I'll be completely free of these burdens because that day will never come, until the day I die. The suicidal thoughts have subsided a bit. I've been able to cut down on my self-harm and the way I used to take mass amounts of Benadryl, Tylenol, and Ibuprofen to self-sedate my brain into sleep for a few days. Most days, I am able to get myself something to eat and I'm drinking more water than wine, again.

Still, my hopes for a future are essentially nonexistent at this point. On one level, it's a little nice to not keep getting my hopes up, just to have them crushed year after year. On a deeper level, of me as a 22-year-old young "lady" (quotes because let's be honest, I'm a complete tomboy besides these past few months of ridiculous whiny posts) still wants to be able to dream about G-d providing a husband for me, a white gown and walking down the aisle. Someday having children, continuing on with my nursing education, teaching my children how to live with lots of animals and teaching them about the various things in life. This, teaching them about life, is usually where I shift into reverse and convince myself a future needs to not happen.

Getting to the point in my imagination that there is a husband and there are children is a long, long process. It used to be something to look forward to, ponder, and pray about. Now, it feels like pulling teeth and I find myself begging the Good L-rd to have someone who is patient and kind enough to be able to handle my crap baggage. Then it slows even more because I get to thinking about how being with me would not be fair to a single soul. That's about the time that all past roommates and all the negative comments about how badly I suck start playing through my mind...

Anyway, in the off chance I get to the point where I think about the things to teach my imaginary children, I come to a complete stop when I think about them being any older than an infant. How can I handle them going to a sleep over where I'm not there? What if the friend has older siblings? Are those older siblings supervised? What happens when we have to have the "sex talk"? Do I tell them about what happened to me? Will that cause trauma? Will that make them over-paranoid? When they are in high school/college, will they be able to stay safe from the horrors inflicted upon me? Will I have days where I stay in bed and call my mom or mother-in-law to deal with the kids because I simply can't? How do I explain to them the days when I'm weepy, dissociated, sad, numb, or completely unable to function? How is this fair to kids? How would this be fair to a husband?

How the hell is any of this shit fair to me? I didn't ask for any of these assaults.

A year and a half ago, I was going about life, excited to be a nurse and to see what my future had in store. One absolute shitty year changed it all for me.

I'm still taking my life hour-by-hour, sometimes I work myself up to a day-by-day mentality. Those days, where I'm not living hour-by-hour, are surprisingly my "good" days.

Maybe someday I'll get to a point where I can dream about a future. Maybe, someday, I'll have a future.

June 12 was supposed to be my "wedding day". Haha, that was the date I picked for the wedding of exfiance and I. That day came and went and it was one of the best, most freeing days I've had in a long time. It was a day where I woke up knowing that I dodged a bomb. No, he was not bullet to dodge, he was a fucking bomb!!! I'm by no means completely safe, and I have a long way to go before I am healed, but I am free. Praise the L-rd for that.

Bad Dreams

I know that when I am stressed, my depression is exacerbated and nightmares are expected. This is fairly common among all people because dreaming is a way for your brain to process various life circumstances.

That leads us to last night's nightmare...

I was being chased by exfiance and he found out the new place that I live. I managed to stay hidden from him, but he kept coming by my new house, ringing the doorbell, and knocking on all the windows. He followed me in exboyfriend's truck, actually. Why the cross between both assholes? I have no idea. Also, in my dream we were not actually at my new house but I was dreaming that I was living at one of my Uncle's houses in the country... Anyway, I was leaving my house trying to drive away, but that's when he actually saw me. He tracked me down and eventually I was running on foot. I called the cops and they wouldn't answer. I tried to get friends to keep him there so that I could call the cops, but every time I dialed 9-1-1 I pressed the wrong buttons or extra buttons or whatever. I couldn't call the police! He found out I was calling them and so he drove away, but not before he tried to take me with him. My new friends stepped in and saved me, he got frustrated and drove off without me.

Eventually he came back. He kept following me. He told me that I missed him and that he didn't understand why I would try to call the police because I love him. I yelled at him and told him he was pure evil and the only person that I have ever hated in my life. I flipped him off a couple times but he just laughed. He grabbed me in a hug and tried to kiss me.

The dream continued, but I can't remember the rest of it. Then my dad called (in real life) and woke me up so the dream ended.



Ugh, I left Home State in hopes that I would feel safer here. I did up until a couple days ago when I saw a truck awfully similar to his. It wasn't his truck and on second glance didn't even really look like his, but it still freaked me out. I had to do a double take but I was driving and that's not safe.

So, for those of you dealing with trauma, I'm sorry. I pray that you don't have days like this, though I know you probably do. I pray for justice for us, thought justice will never right the wrong that has been done. Most of all, I pray for peace.

In the days after the shooting at the night club in Orlando, I can't help but be sad with an understanding heart of how difficult PTSD is. My heart breaks for those that were killed, but my heart also breaks for those that witnessed it and the families that now how to figure out how to go about living after the evil committed that night. It sucks for those that were killed, but for those of us that are left living after a tragedy like this, it is harder. When you die, I'm not certain you know you are dead. I'm fairly certain you don't feel pain in the same capacity, hopefully not even at all. I don't know, I haven't died yet... Regardless, I know the pain of being one of the ones left to survive. Of course, I only know the pain I've felt and for the families and victims still living, their pain will be different and arguably worse in many respects.

For anyone who has suffered traumatic events or loss: I am sorry for your losses. Losses of loved ones, loss of life, loss of the sense of safety, loss of mental wellness (hopefully only temporary), loss of self (hopefully only temporary).

There was a hostage situation somewhere in Texas and the guy ended up getting shot and killed, as far as I know.

People need to chill out. Stop causing harm to others! Stop killing others! Stop attacking, assaulting, and otherwise fucking up other people's lives! Calm the fuck down. Everyone.

Until later... I pray I'll have good news next time I post.

A year of fighting for a 6 month sentence. That's ridiculous!

For those who have followed my story in any capacity, you've probably read about my terrible 2015. I dated two guys, both of which raped and sexually assaulted me.

Since then, I have gone through counseling, been deemed capable of attempting life on my own again, and been sent into the world with warm wishes from my Counselor.

The struggle with reporting is an internal war. If I don't say anything, then the guys get off spot (scott?) free. They likely don't even know that what they did is a felony, or they know and they don't care. Meanwhile, if I report then I deal with the police officer, detective(s), re-victimization, nay-sayers, judges, jury, and living through hell for another indeterminable amount of time. It's not bad enough that I am constantly reminded every day and every night of what has happened, reporting would make me have to talk about it all with complete strangers.

And, as many of you know, I'm not a wordsmith. However, there are people out there who are.

I recently came across an article in my Facebook feed about a girl who was sexually assaulted and digitally raped (I called mine finger rape at first, back in April/May 2015). Honestly, I am so very grateful for her ability to be able to use words and speak/write so well. Please, do me a favor and read this article, if you are so able. There are lots of triggers and, honestly, if anyone wants to know what a SANE exam is like, she nails it. There is no way to compare sexual assault and rape stories, all of us survivors understand that well. The only thing we can do is feel for each other.

This woman is so incredibly strong, so brave, so gifted with words, and she has been served a great injustice by the sentencing her abuser received. I cannot imagine having my story published for everyone to read. I cannot imagine worrying about friends and family watching the news and seeing my traumatic events played for them and the rest of the nation/world. She has handled it with such courage and grace. Then, instead of trying to forget it and hide it, she is speaking out against what has happened to her.

Back in Biblical times, rapists were stoned to death... I'm just saying...

I thought it would be different...

Well guys, I just finished my last final of nursing school. You wanna know something? I passed! That means I graduate on Friday and I have the opportunity to sit for the NCLEX to see if I get to be a registered nurse or not.

I thought it would be different. I thought I would be so excited, celebrating with my many friends, and I figured I would have a better plan. I thought this was supposed to be a happy affair.

Right now, I'm sitting in a coffee shop frustrated with my lack of support, my family split, my dreams of a family crushed, regret over my past (guys and friends) encompassing me, stress over legal matters drowning me, and I'm living in an RV with my mom because my roomie "kicked" me out a week and a half early. I'm overwhelmed at the amount of seemingly bad circumstances I have been faced with, still knowing that other people face worse lives than mine.

I "graduated" counseling yesterday. We call it that because I used to tell my counselor that I was graduating a bunch of things all at the same time so we might as well call it graduating from counseling too. She approved and thought it was cute. Well, I fell like after yesterday, I hit new rough waters and now I need her back. Finishing counseling is supposed to be a good thing, but now it left me feeling like I'm not actually ready to face life on my own again just yet. I guess I'll try it for a couple weeks/months and then decide if I need to find another counselor once I move.

Graduation is supposed to be a happy time, but you know what? It's okay if it's a little sad or frustrating for you. It's sad and frustrating for me too.

The End of a Good Thing

Roomie and I had a fight today.

Let's start off by saying that I am not the easiest person to live with, but I do try to be accommodating. I know that I have weird quirks and depression and that a lot of people don't understand. I thought Roomie understood and was great at helping, but we lost it somewhere along the way.

The apartment we live in used to be occupied by Roomie and Roomie's mother when the mother and father split up for a short time. The dad moved to Hot State and the mother stayed here in Home State.

After months and months of separation, the mother decided to move to Hot State to be with her husband and they worked it out. Yay!

Unfortunately for Roomie, this left her and her family in a bind. She is one of four children, three girls and a boy. The boy was in Hot State with the dad, but the girls had stayed behind with their mom. Eventually, as the mom decided to move with the dad, the other kids decided to follow suit and they all moved at about the same time.

Roomie, however, had to stay behind in Home State because of nursing school because nursing school credits do not transfer. This means she needed someone to help with the bills.

At the same time that her family was deciding this all out, I was sent a text from ex-roommate (the girl I lived with last year) that she didn't want to live with me anymore. Then I got yelled at by her and her mom for not knowing that she was uncomfortable and then I got yelled at for them making plans and now I wouldn't be paying half the bills... whatever, they made the plans without me and honestly, it's their problem. That sounds calloused and rude, but they were some of those people who throw a fit just to see if they'll get free food at restaurants. Then they get free food. Or they throw a fit and yell and people (their "friends") and then their friends do what they want until the friends can't take their shit anymore and slowly fade away from their lives... I left with a hardcore cut to the ties. What 22 year old girl has to have their mother call and yell at their roommate for things the roommate (me) was never aware of because the girl (ex-roommate) never communicated a single thing? Seriously, pull on your big-girl-panties and cut that fucking umbilical cord.

Back to the story...

I texted a bunch of friends while on summer vacation and quickly found a place to live. Roomie was the first to respond and it sounded like a great deal. She could only afford $500 so she said her family was okay with me only paying that much. I offered more money, several times, for bills and cable but she refused it. Okay, then $500 a month it is.

The first couple nights, one of her sisters was still living at the apartment with us because she hadn't yet finished out her time at her job. Fine, I can handle a couple days with somebody else's family. A few weeks later, Roomie's mother comes back to Home State to visit. Roomie specifically told me that her mother would only stay at our apartment a couple nights of the 3 weeks she was visiting Home State. Well, the mother stayed every single night, in our living room, on the floor, except for 2 nights... OF THE ENTIRE 3 FUCKING WEEKS!!! She would get irritated if I had to go to class early and I disturbed her sleep because I was leaving the apartment or getting coffee. I figured that she could stay in Roomie's room as she was supposed to do, but if she wasn't going to do that then it wasn't my fault that her vacation sleep was ruined by my necessity to go to school and clinicals. The mother was at the apartment watching t.v., cooking, doing her laundry, taking baths (daily), and doing as she normally did when she lived there. Fine, whatever.

She eventually left and life ensued with Roomie, it was great. A few weeks (3-4 weeks) go by and Roomie informs me her mother will be coming to visit again. Again, I get told the mother will not be at our apartment much during her three week stay. Again, she was in the apartment, carrying on with her life as though she had never left. She was there all the time, even when Roomie wasn't there. I get that she is from out of town and wanted to come and visit, but having strangers in my house is incredibly uncomfortable. I gritted my teeth and beared it. They kept wondering about me when I slept too much. They worried when I didn't eat family dinners with them or when I told the mom I had already eaten when she decided to cook a meal and her daughter wasn't even home from clinicals for the day.

Another month later and I was informed again that the mother would be coming for another 2-3 weeks stay. I survived the entire stay with the random people coming through and the mother staying at the apartment and going out as she wished. On the last day, Roomie started setting up for a birthday party at our apartment. I asked who's birthday it was and she said it was her mom's and that they were going to have a party for her and they invited a few of her friends and family members to come over and celebrate. Imagine my surprise that I had not been warned about this, but it was occurring at my house! So I asked nicely, if she wouldn't mind telling me in the future when people were planning on coming over. That way, I wouldn't feel like I needed to be locked in my room because I hadn't gotten a shower that day when there are a billion and five complete strangers and Roomie's mom in the apartment at every moment of the day. She agreed and apologized that it must have been strange to come home from school and have an audience when I thought I was going to have the apartment to myself for a short time.

Life went on and it seemed to get better.

The next month was winter break or something, so Roomie went to Hot State and I got some time off from being with people. Towards the end of the break, she had planned to have her boyfriend come in from Cajun Country to visit her. So, I decided that would be a nice time to go visit my family and give Roomie and her boyfriend some quality time together.

Break ended and two weeks into school. She told me her mother and sister were coming to Home State to come and visit their friends and the sister wanted to see her boyfriend. The rule about warning me before random people came over lasted for a solid two days. Pretty soon they were at the apartment all the time and I spent a lot of time sleeping. Honestly, I had just broken up with exfiance, I was depressed, I was tired from school, I was struggling, and I didn't want to deal with more people that I don't know and I'm not comfortable with! During this stay, the mother mentioned to Roomie that she thought I didn't like her. Naturally, this leads Roomie to feel the need to confront me about the situation because heaven forbid that somebody is simply going through a rough patch in life and cannot pretend to be happy to please somebody's family 24/7. I told her that I was just tired and having a hard time. She let it go, for the time, and I started forcing myself to stay awake, even when I was exhausted, simply because they were over and they wanted everyone to smile and say "hi!" every time they came in the door. I can't remember what I told Roomie, but her mother didn't stay at our apartment as much during that stay, until closer to the end of the stay.

I got another month break and here they come again to Home State. This time, I was assured that the mother would stay with her friend the entire time and would only come over to take the dog on walks. Fine. This, again, was a lie. The mom was over all the time. She would come over, watch t.v., use Roomie's car, take naps in the apartment when Roomie wasn't there but I was, and carry on with her baths. This time, I was over it. I was working on school and overwhelmed, so I kept my door shut so I wouldn't have to make small-talk with this strange woman in my apartment before I even got a chance to shower because she would shower and then turn on every hot water appliance in the house and I would have no hot water. I don't like to see people before I get a shower. Also keep in mind, I was dealing with insomnia, severe PTSD, flashbacks, depression, school, and a whole host of other life problems that do not need some overly cheery lady to be the cherry on top.

I get it, having people who are always happy are a joy in life. However, it is also unsustainable and fake to be always happy. One thing that I've learned is that some people who are always "happy", and there are not many in the world, have no ability to handle real-life events. They ignore the bad and put on a false front so that their appearance looks good to the public. In fact, they cause more problems for themselves because they don't allow anything to be anything more than superficial. What kind of life is that?

So, it's great that she is happy. Awesome for her. For me, I was going through a legit life crisis and I was barely surviving each day without 1) cutting or 2) taking my own life. I'm dead serious about that. In fact, there were some days with Roomie's family being here all the time, that I had to cut because there was no other escape. I would then pop about 8-10 benadryl, 2-3 tylenol, and 4 ibuprofen at noon or whenever I got done with class, and I would sleep the whole rest of the day. That was my escape because I had no time alone and no time to just rest without some stranger, either the mom or her sister or her, in my face and trying to continue on with small talk for hours on end. I don't know about you, but small-talk is a huge waste of my time. I have real thoughts and deep seated opinions. I am a girl who does not talk much because most of the talk seems like fluff. But, if I have something to say you better believe I will try to at least say a little bit, but I won't fight to be heard.

Roomie confronted me after her mom left from that visit and told me, again, that her mom had mentioned that she felt like I didn't like her. Oh my gosh lady, it's okay if not everyone likes you. Also, just because someone can't be around you all the time doesn't mean I don't like you, it just means your a little too much to take in for someone who needs a lot of down time. Seriously, grow up. I didn't say that, I just told her that it's not that I don't like her, I was just going through a lot.

I had another month of peace,  then her boyfriend came. The boyfriends spring break was the week before ours so she was in class and clinical all week while I was at home (because I didn't have clinical at that time) with him... alone... after severe trauma from two guys. I let it slide, saying that he really had no place to go. I spent a lot of time shopping and dragging out time I had to go to class. I also went and stayed at my parent's house the weekend he originally got there and the weekend at the end of his stay here to give them time. I didn't think it was fair that I was left with him while she went about her life. Why did she not just schedule for him to visit her a different time? Why didn't she just move her schedule around to be with him more? Why is it okay to just let random strangers that I had legitimately never met before stay at my apartment with me? She didn't even introduce him, she let me introduce myself the next day after she picked him up from the airport because she was gone at class. That was ridiculously uncomfortable. The whole week sucked. I can't take a shower, I can't go to the bathroom, I can't cook, I can't do anything without answering to this guy because he's the guest and I feel like I'm supposed to play hostess to him since she's not ever there. Is that fair or am I just being a bitch?

Fast track maybe two weeks, her mom is back. I did my best to stay busy with clinicals, leaving early and staying late to avoid being home when they were awake. Roomie warned me maybe the first two days about random times when her mom would drop by, but mostly it was a one warning system made it acceptable for the mom to stop by whenever she damn well felt like it for the rest of her fucking trip. I survived it, said hi maybe once but I wasn't being overly nice and I didn't come out of my room, but I left the door open to make sure her mom didn't have hurt feelings because apparently I'm just a heartless meanie pants who doesn't care about other people's feelings. That is my own wording, but it was mentioned that they didn't feel comfortable at the apartment because I was not very inviting and welcoming.

That leads us to today. The mother and one of the sisters flew in on Sunday night. This weekend, I came down with a really bad cold or flu or something. I lost my voice (legit) because I cough so much, but the fever only lasted a couple days. Sunday, I was recovering and I slept all day. Roomie came into my room around noon, upset that I wasn't out in the living room talking to her. I told her that I had been sleeping all day because I was sick and I had told her the day before that I was sick. She went out of my room in a bit of a huff and kept to texting me the rest of the day to "warn" me about her mom and sister's plans for their vacation here. I was told, not asked, that they would be spending Sunday night at our place. A couple minutes later that was retracted and I was told they were just going to come over for a few minutes to visit when their flight got in. Great, do what you want.

The next day I was again told, not asked, that her sister would be spending the night, while her sister was here at the apartment. It's not like I could say no, even if it was a bad time for me, because the sister was there. So I told her okay. Roomie told me that they would stay in her room as to "not bother me". Her exact words. I never told her that I was bothered by them. They can keep the door open and do as they wish, I don't care, just give me a heads up if I need to go find another place to live because you're moving your whole family back into our two bedroom apartment. The night came and passed. Next morning I got a text saying that her mom would be "stopping in to take the dog for a walk with the sister, then they would drop the dog off and go about their day." To me, this sounds like the dog will be here when I get home, but no strangers. Right? Next day, I went to counseling, then I walked around 2 different stores for the next three hours to make sure that enough time was given that I would not be impeding on their plans or their "short" visits that ended up lasting a whole fucking 6 hours, consistently. 

By the time I got home, there was loud music playing from Roomie's room, and I kept hearing someone. I texted her and asked if she was home. She said "no." I said "okay, I just keep hearing someone in there and I was wondering if it was you." She said "no, it's my sister and I (Roomie) mentioned she was spending the night last night." 

By this time, it was about 4 in the afternoon and the earlier text about her mom taking the dog for a walk sounded like her sister and mom would not be here. When Roomie finally got home, she went into her room and closed her door. I heard her and her sister talking in quiet voices, but they sounded angry. Her sister left, then she came into my room and confronted me about it. I didn't yell, but it was hard to keep my voice level between her beginning to get rialed up and me having a hoarse voice right now. She told me it wasn't fair for me to ask her not to see her family. I told her I am glad that she gets to visit with her family and that they are in town, but I didn't feel like it was fair that the family stays at the apartment without Roomie being there and without even a text to tell me she'll be here when I get home. What if I had been so freaked out that I grabbed my gun? Honestly, I had no way of knowing that there would have been someone that is supposed to be there. I told Roomie that too, that my understanding of the texts was this. She said, "well, I told you she was spending the night!" I responded with, "yes, but I didn't know that means she was going to stay the whole next day." She kept saying something like, "do you expect me to just not see my family? Am I not supposed to have them over and I just have to go out and meet them somewhere because you don't want them over?" I told her "no, I just needed a text to know that someone was going to be home. We agreed on this several months ago and I think it was just a miscommunication, but I had no idea she was going to be here."

That sent her into a bit of a rage. She told me I'm hard to live with and that she feels like she has to walk on eggshells around me because I don't ever want anyone over. She told me that it's not fair that I go into my room when her family comes over because they think I hate them and it's so terrible that I didn't even go out and say hi to them when they got there. I reminded her that I try to at least say hi and be cordial when they come, but that I've been sick the past two times they've been here and I have stuff going on too and I am overwhelmed by them. Blah, blah, blah, she made the swirly motion with her finger while telling me I was making something up. I finally had the mental ability to tell her that that was not a fair thing to tell me because her family was making up the idea that I hate them. She got mad at me trying to keep the "discussion" fair and she told me her family was going to come over because she wants to spend time with them. I told her I didn't think it was fair that her plans kept changing and that left me with no place to live. I was originally supposed to be able to stay here the night after graduation, because I need to be down here the next day for things that are happening. Then she moved the day to me only being able to stay Thursday night, then she said I couldn't even stay there Thursday night because her family was going to pack up the u-haul and there would be no furniture and her family wanted to all (all other 3 siblings, both of her parents, her boyfriend, and herself) stay there Thursday and Friday nights and she suggested I go stay at Brother's apartment or find another place to stay. She got mad at that too.

The "conversation" ended with me telling her I would have my stuff out by Monday. She said that works since I'll be staying with my mom over the weekend to "help" her. That opened up me confessing that I was only going to Denver so that she could spend time with her family without me making them feel uncomfortable. She didn't talk much after that...

She walked away, and went to her room. A few minutes later, as I went back to packing, she went into the kitchen and started slamming doors, banging dishes, shutting cabinets with such force I'm  surprised they didn't fall off the hinges. I continued to pack calmly, waiting for the time that I was finally scheduled to leave to go out with my clinical group for dinner and drinks.

The time came and I had a blast. Mid-way through dinner, Roomie sent me a really long text telling me that she thinks it's a good idea for me to move out early and that she will reimburse me for part of the rent I'll be missing because I'm leaving early. She told me that she is going to focus on enjoying her family and that "she is sorry it ended like this." She also reiterated that I'm difficult to live with and that she has given up a lot to make me more "comfortable" and feels that I am basically being unreasonable in requesting her family to not spend so much time there because they technically do not live here anymore and it's my living place too.



Long story short, I'm moving out tomorrow and not even waiting until Monday. I will be making the hour-long commute for the next couple of weeks for the several days that I have class or other obligations. And, I lost another friend. Someone who I thought was close with me, but dropped me when I was unwilling to give in to her other demands. Normally, I and everyone else give into what she wants because she comes to us crying and I know that I, personally, have not been able to avoid my people-pleasing tendencies... until now. I talked with Counselor about boundaries a couple hours before this whole thing went down and I'm not even really upset. I'm stressed, but it's not as bad as it could be. I talked to Best Friend about it and he told me I'm being reasonable in asking to not have her family practically living here every other month. Honestly, in no roommate situation I've ever been in or seen, has it been okay to have your family come and stay and run the household for weeks at a time while their host is not even there most of the time! This was her first experience with a roommate, but I don't think there are realistic expectations for what a roommate situation will actually look like for her. She is moving in with her boyfriend and his best buddy and that guy's girlfriend... She's not only getting 3 new roommates, but she's moving into a house and will have two couples under one roof. I honestly do not see this ending well, but hey, not my life. She asked my opinion, I told her it sounded like a really bad idea and she told me that she was going to go ahead and do it anyway because she thinks the girl is nice. Well, okay, I hope it works out well for you bud, I truly do.

Dear Roomie,

     First of all, know that I have no anger, resentment, or malice in my heart towards you. I also know I have a lot to learn about life still, but I've been on my own for 4 years now. You learn a lot when you finally live with people who are not your family, and in a place where your family is not living and at your beck and call. I've learned a lot and I started off really independent before I moved away from my parents. 

     In your one year with me, actually like 8 months, you've learned some. Just know that though I may be hard to live with because of my depression/PTSD/trauma/bipolar, but there are worse roommates out there, and they are abundant. Not everyone is going to react as well to your many confrontations as I did. Not everyone will shut down when you yell at them and then give in to you because they have little to no mental functioning due to their traumatic pasts. Not everyone will leave you with a hug, when you ask unreasonable things and then kick them out. Not many people will deal with the amount of your family interaction and time of them hanging out in the house without you being there, as I have. I can promise you that. 

     I'm hard to deal with because of mental illness and a hermit tendency, but I try my best to listen and to try to understand your frustration and the point of why you're upset, friends don't even always do that! I hope you have nothing but good experiences, but from my short time on earth and the statistics classes I had to take in school, I know that that is not even really probable. I pray that some day, you look back and realize that what I was asking was not crazy, nor was it strange. I want you to understand that even though I'm hard to live with, I was actually a decent roommate who tried with my whole heart to make you happy while staying true to myself. I want you to know that you helped me, but that you also could have asked me to stop talking about things. Granted, you did ask me to stop talking about ex-fiance when I didn't break up with him as you requested. I bent over backwards for you and I hope that someday, you'll see that I really did try and that I really wasn't a bad roommate. 

Sincerely,
     Your Former Roommate
          BedpanAlley

Painful Memories

Tomorrow marks the anniversary of ex-boyfriend's first assault on me. A year ago, I was excited on this night. It was a Friday, I believe and I was probably at his new house watching a movie with him. Actually, he went to bed early so we were probably back in his bed, falling asleep or already sleeping by now.

He didn't try to touch me this night. I was still blissfully ignorant of the danger lurking within him.

The most he probably did was try to grab my butt or my boobs while he made out with me. I was uncomfortable sleeping in his bed, but he wouldn't let me sleep out on the couch. I was also dumb enough to believe that sleeping over would be okay. I was naive enough to believe that I was safe with him.



I've been wrestling with terrible thoughts in my head. For as long as I can remember, I was told to love those who hurt you and hate nobody but Satan.

I've been struggling to wrap my head around the evil that was done to my body and the fact that these guys think that they did nothing wrong.

I have been struggling to keep my mind from saying that "I hate them."

I hate what they've done to me. I hate that they have no fucking clue that my life is ruined. I hate that if the news ever got out that they did these things to me, nobody will believe me and they will blame me for making up stories. I hate that the law is on their side in this backwards legal system. I hate that they will likely have no punishment because what could potentially happen in the best case scenario for me or worst case scenario for them? NOTHING! Absolutely, fucking nothing.

Justice is bullshit. The legal system is not working for victims, it helps nobody but those who have broken the law. So, what's the point in reporting? There is none.


I'm so fucking over this shit. I can't sleep. My mind is being bombarded with the evil acts these assholes have done to me. The only comfort I have is absolutely nothing. There is no comfort. There is no justice. There is nothing I, or anyone, can do to right these wrongs.

L-rd, give me peace and comfort in the coming months as all of my anniversaries come to bombard me and swallow me whole. Quiet my heart and give me restful sleep. Allow me to somehow forget these evil guys. Somehow, in the coming judgement, bring me justice, oh L-rd. Give me something to tell me that the suffering I have unfortunately survived this last year is not in vain. Oh L-rd, redeem me and punish those who have wronged me and invaded my body. Ad-nai, forgive my past trangressions and remember what has happened. L-rd, remember those who love you and deliver me from the evil bestowed upon me.

Why was this given to me? What did I do that warranted that type of punishment? Or, what kind of sick test was that?!? WHY???



Ironically, tomorrow's pediatric lecture is on childhood abuse and will most likely mention sexual assault because that seems to be a popular topic in that stupid class. As such, I am not going. I refuse to go. The peds instructor makes sick jokes about rape, suicide, abuse, and other "hot button" topics that immediately make me cry. How will I handle such topics from now on? I will just refuse to go to class! Fuck you, lady. L-rd willing, you've never lived through these terrible things. As someone who survived multiple suicide attempts, is living through grieving a friend's suicide, having been abused by boyfriends, and raped by two separate guys on numerous occasions, YOU HAVE NO PLACE TO TALK!!!

No decent person makes jokes about abuse, rape, or suicide. Don't fuck with those topics. If you have to talk about them, and I think it's important to discuss them, then you treat them with the respect and seriousness they deserve. Get people who are experts and who are tender to the issues to come and teach the lecture, if that is required.

Don't fucking mess with me and don't tell me you know when you don't lady (peds professor and Jersey.)

Some of you, out there in the blog-o-sphere, unfortunately understand the pain of living through traumatic events. Though we have not lived the same life, I am sorry for your suffering. We can't fully comprehend each others pain and journey, but I know what it is like to live my trauma and I am sorry for anyone who has to live through their own. For anything you've been through, I am, from the bottom of my heart, sorry.

For those of you who haven't, I am so very glad that you haven't. I do not wish this on anyone. Having said that, please do not tell those of us who are survivors of trauma that you know what we are going through. If you say anything, tell us that you are sorry and then slap that pity look right off your face. We don't need pity. We are still a person, just like anyone else. Unfortunately, we were dealt a hand in life where we were forced to be a bit stronger than the average person. That does not mean we need pity. Giving us that fucking pity look and babying us after we tell you only makes the situation worse. Don't distance yourself from us or treat us differently besides avoiding the triggers we ask you to avoid. Besides that, treat us normally, but silently give us more patience as we heal.

Another Damn Birthday

My birthday is tomorrow. I'll turn 22.

In the past, I have avoided people knowing my birthday because I didn't want anyone making a big deal about it. From that stemmed my own little personal game of my friends not knowing what day my birthday is and avoiding working the day before/day of/and day after my birthday. These have just been traditions I have kept for years.

Last year, I was very open about my birthday because I turned 21 and wanted people to come out and celebrate with me! In the U.S., for those of you outside, 21 is the legal drinking age. As you can imagine, this warrants a bit of celebrating.

Well, fast forward to this year and my birthday is now a day of mourning. I think about last year and how excited I was. I had lots of friends coming out to celebrate with me, I had a boyfriend who was still treating me well, I was getting through school and I had just survived Country Boy's first anniversary. His first anniversary went much better than this year's, though. I had a drink for him that night, but mostly I was just young and excited. I thought my life was turning more exciting and could only get better.

I was so terribly wrong.

Come back to the present with me, and let's mull over why my birthday is now a day of mourning...

• My body has been assaulted in the most intimate ways, by two separate asshole guys, more times than I can count.
• Country Boy is still gone and his death anniversary is right before my birthday so I am still recovering from that grief again.
• My friends are all busy so I could stay in bed, but the couple of friends that are not busy and that know my birthday is tomorrow are not letting me stay in my bed.
• I'll never be the girl I was a year ago. For that, I mourn the most.

I miss her. People say I can get her back, but those people have also never been through what I've been through. She was kind, excited about life, and always willing to help. Her, I can get back. She had also never experienced more trauma than a friend's suicide. She had memories, but not intense flashbacks. She was mourning, but it was reasonable and normal, especially for the trauma associated with surviving a friend's suicide.

Go back to the year I turned 19, and I miss her even more. No suicide. Best Friend liked me and we hung out all the time. I was in the dorms and was around friends as much as I wanted to be, all I had to do was walk down the hall. I thought it was a great victory going the entire day with nobody knowing it was my birthday, especially living in such a short proximity to my friends. Then, at about 10 p.m., while hanging out with Best Friend talking, I spilled the beans. He gave me a hug and got a little bit upset that I hadn't told him sooner. I was so excited for everything! I was about to get into nursing school, I was looking at apartments and making life plans. I was confident and excited that a guy liked me and spent so much time with me. I had just gotten away from the most toxic roommates I have ever met and I was living by myself. School was going well and the world was still a bright and shiny place ready for my stamp on it and the adventures that were sure to come my way.

Come back to the present and I don't want to see the future. I'm convinced nothing good can make me be able to heal fully from my past. I don't want to meet a guy and start dating because then I have to tell him I'm not pure and I'm not what he wants. He'd have to deal with my PTSD, my whole shitty season of every year from March until the end of July, and if we ever had kids I've got so many risk factors for being a terrible mom that it's not even worth attempting to survive pregnancy and a birth because that poor kid would have no fighting chance at a good life.

Of course, it is impossible to explain this to friends They don't understand and I pray they never understand this pain. I pray they have all the happiness in the world. Mine was stolen, but may they know nothing but happiness. May they keep the sparkle in their eyes and their love of life. I hope this for all of you as well.

For those of you that have been through trauma, I am so sorry. I am sorry for all of your losses. While losses include the deaths and the loss of people, remember that it also means the loss of your sense of identity, body integrity, and anything else that you have lost that hits you hard. Yes, it is okay to mourn the loss of who you once were if that was taken, hurt, and otherwise damaged. I am sorry for your loss, as I am sorry for mine. Though I don't know exactly how you feel, because we all perceive and feel things differently and circumstances are always a little bit different, know that I understand it is painful beyond words.

So, tomorrow is my birthday. It is a solemn occasion and a day of mourning. I survived Country Boy's 2nd anniversary and everything that could have gone wrong going wrong with that. Here's to hoping I survive tomorrow, if I must.

It'll Never End

As mentioned in my last post, my day began at about 3 this morning. Not pleasant.

I made it through the sim lab and my group did really well. The instructors were surprised and kept saying they didn't think we would do so well because my group wasn't very interactive on Monday during the skills lab... I think it was supposed to be a compliment but it came off terribly. Whatever, we rocked it and now I'm done with that.

All day, Country Boy has been on my mind. All week, in fact. This morning, before hopping in my shower, I went back and looked at some pictures of him. A few tears fell, but I'm still too overwhelmed in my life to be able to cry much. I went through sim lab and my brain was not working. People kept talking to me and I couldn't even focus. I saw their lips moving, but I couldn't hear anything.

Last night exfiance called me 3 times... They didn't ring through, because I blocked him. However, I woke up at 1:30 a.m. wondering why my phone was lit up, but I decided to ignore it. At 3, when I woke up for sure, I saw the little symbol for voice mail. I was confused, wondering why anyone needed to leave me a voice mail so early in the morning and I panicked wondering if it was family or a friend who needed me. Nope. It was exfiance. I didn't listen to his message because I was scared he would have called me and left a voice mail while he was pretending to die or while he committed suicide just because he knew how badly Country Boy's death affected me. Sick thought process, I know, but he's done terrible things to me and he messes with my head. If you go through something like that (and I pray you never do and never have), you begin to wonder what kind of bullshit they are going to unleash on you this time.

I waited until my roommate woke up, and then I told her about it. She offered to listen to the message to screen it for me. Essentially, it said everything his 9 text messages from Easter said to me. Again, those too were blocked and I didn't get them until a day or two after Easter Sunday.

I didn't listen to the voice mail until my lunch break between simulations today. I went out to my car and listened to all 3 fucking minutes of the bullshit message. The messages (voice mail and texts) went to the effect that he has been attending the church I go to for the last month. He says he wants me to go see him at church and sit with him... He says he's changed and that I'm amazing and all this bullshit. Seriously, he told me I brought him back to the L-rd. What the fuck?!?

Honestly, I hope he did find the L-rd but I don't believe him at all. I don't believe a fucking word he uttered the entire time I've ever known him. I don't believe any of the nice things, I don't believe any of the crazy stories, I don't believe the apologies, or anything else he ever said. I don't. So, you can go pound sand fucker. Leave me the hell alone. STOP TRYING TO TALK TO ME!!!

So sick of it.

After sim was done and I was driving home, I was barely keeping the tears from falling. I was handling myself until I saw his truck. Not Country Boy's, not exfiance's... the other one. I saw exboyfriend's truck passing me on my way home. Fuckin' A. Of course, this is going to happen on one of my shittiest days. He works on the exact opposite side of town. Why the fuck is he on my way home?!?

I lost it. The tears started, my panic attack began in earnest, and my brain shut down with that last straw. It was the last straw to break my mind from how it had been dealing with all of the overwhelming nonsense I had been dealing with all day. Seeing exbf's truck is what did me in.

I got home and Roomie asked how I was doing. My chin and voice began quivering as I told her the extremely shortened and condensed version of the shit I survived today. She stood there quietly and told me she was sorry. She suggested I go climb into bed and watch a movie or take a nap. My beautifully happy and cheery roommate didn't know what to do. She doesn't know what to do when I don't even know how to handle my life circumstances. I don't blame her.

She left a few minutes later for work and her dog followed me into my room. I collapsed on my bed crying because I was finally done with the shit show that was my day. Oh my goodness, the dog flipped out! She jumped on my bed, started licking my face and acting all frantic. She licked me and tried to climb in my lap (she's 50 lbs) for a solid 10 minutes, as the tears streamed down my face. She kept making me pet her and push her from my face because she was taking away my tears. She jumped down, ran out of my room, but returned about 30 seconds later and began barking at me! She put her front two paws on my bed and started barking and whining at me in her scared bark. I pulled myself together, stopped crying and then the dog left my room. I don't know what else happened, but my eyes opened about an hour and a half later, and I didn't know where I was or what time it was. I woke up another hour and a half after that in the same condition, but laid in bed answering my 9 text messages that had accumulated, as I stared at my ceiling for an hour.

I don't know how to explain times like this, but when I have a bad enough day, I can stay in bed and stare at the wall or ceiling for hours with no thoughts going through my head. I snap out of it a couple hours later, but it only felt like 5 minutes at the most. No thoughts, no emotion, no ability to move my body. I legitimately shut down all the way and can do absolutely nothing.

Days like this, I don't even need alcohol. I know that on a day like today, drinking would simply get me stuck in the sad, terrible existence of my brain when my brain is literally refusing to think about it. My brain is overwhelmed and refusing to think about the stressors because it's unable to handle it anymore. Why would I drink and remember if I can just disappear into nothingness?



Today, everything that I needed to not happen, all happened... Today, was one of the hardest days to survive. Today, but not just today, I wished Country Boy would have taken me with him. I get mad at him for leaving me here.

I just don't want to be here anymore.

This is bullshit.

The Wishes I'll Never See Fulfilled

There are days that you may wish you could go back and relive. There are times in your life that you wished you could go back and redo. There may be times that you wish you never had to live through.

Well, I wish I could go back 3 years ago and not live these past few years at all.

I know, this is a wish that will forever go unfulfilled. I was also told that this is not productive thought because of it's impossibility. It doesn't change the fact that I keep praying I wake up from my nightmare and take it as a life-lesson through sleep to never repeat it in actual life.

I want to go back to the days of college when I was so full of life, looking forward to the future, and excited at the amount of friends I had and the excitement I had when I was first accepted into the nursing program.

I was pure. I was hopeful. I had a whole world full of possibilities just waiting outside my door.

Today I am damage, beaten, weary, and waiting for the day when the Good L-rd decides to free me from my real-life nightmare.

It's hard today to not fall into my bad habits that have helped me to cope with my struggles thus far. However, I want to be able to wear short sleeves and a bikini when I go on my graduation trip with my family, so my physical coping methods are out of the picture. I probably couldn't drink enough to actually get anywhere in the way of numbing because it just shuts off the smart part of my brain and brings forward all of the terrible things I want a break from. Sleep doesn't help because from the time I lay down, through my sleep, and up until I begin my day, my head is filled with the worst things I couldn't even imagine I would have survived, but I did live through. Painting and coloring only get me so far before memories invade again.

I have no relief.

I could have gone for a walk, but it's dark now and I'm scared exfiance would be waiting outside my apartment.



I've had several friends tell me lately that I didn't seem like I was having a bad day, even though I had told them hours earlier over a text that I was having a really bad day. They tell me that I look fine and seem to be enjoying myself.

Well, I've been lying too long. I've gotten it down to a science and have a tendency to push everything out of my head in order to prevent telling those around me what has happened. I don't want to bring down the fun mood by spilling all of my dirty laundry for those who had no idea of my life's happenings before that point. For some, it is the first time they've ever met me. No need to bring them down with my internal scars.

Just for fun, let's go over my "checkered past," shall we?

I have:

• cut, scratched until I've bled, and other forms of self-harm (8th grade)
• attempted suicide 5 or more times (8th grade)
• avoided eating except for dinner every other few nights for a solid 6 months or so. I lost 25-30 pounds in a month or two (high school)
• lived through a friend's suicide
• been in 2, count them TWO! abusive relationships in the year of 2015 (I'm talking the beginning of January to the very end of December)
• relapsed into self-harm
• dealt with the unmedicated bipolar ramblings of various family members that typically result in me being blamed for their miserable lives, countless times
• gone through 3 different roommate situations that were very unhealthy and ridiculously stressful
• began drinking occasionally to calm my mind and pain temporarily
• been raped so many times I can't count them all
• been drug through the mud*, beaten beyond recognition*, damaged beyond repair*, and been so mentally tortured that I wished my previous suicide attempts could have stuck (*not really physical situation if they have the *, but the pain is similar, just lasts much longer)

Now, looking at that list the way it's written, it doesn't seem so bad. Knowing that I've been battling with myself for over 9-10 years and knowing that many of those difficult things have been occurring over extended periods of time makes it seem like the list does no justice to what has actually happened.

No, I don't feel sorry for myself but I do wish these weren't my burdens to bear. Some are self-inflicted, and those have stopped. Those are also burdens I'm ashamed of, but I know that I caused them to myself so I can't blame anyone for those. However, it is hard most days to not drop back into those habits. Sometimes those bad things I did were the only thing to keep me grounded in the world, if even for a moment.

I know, I know! I'm not supposed to think like this! But some days I can't help it. I mean, c'mon! There has to be a break eventually, right? You would hope...

I don't foresee life getting much better for me. Oh, I pray that it does! But, honestly, sometimes I can be so far in the pit of despair that there is no way to see anything but the darkness overwhelming and engulfing me.

I just want to be put out of my misery. I've got no fight left.

The Blows Keep Comin'

It's strange that the course of events that transpire in one day can take someone from feeling like they are finally doing better in their journey of life, and then a few moments later they can go back to feeling so defeated.

That is me today.

I thought, Great! I'm going to start working on getting legal stuff situated to help me out with these assholes who took everything from me. I am starting to believe my brain about what has actually happened and I know that legally I did what I needed to do. I am beginning to have days where I believe that the actions of these fuckers were not my fault and maybe, someday, eventually, I can possibly be okay. 

Yes, I know that "maybe, someday, eventually, and possibly" are all words that sound like I do not believe that I will be okay. That is because "being okay" is something I don't forsee happening. However, I am hopeful that I will eventually work to get a little bit better than I have been in my deepest pits of despair.

Then, I have a day like today. Nothing seems to be going right and it's only 11 in the morning! My professor is being unreasonable and covering her tracks so that her supervisors do not see any problem with her actions. Meanwhile, she takes it out on me and works on publically embarrassing me and any one of my fellow students who tries to make life fair for the rest of us or even future classes.

I still have homework that I need to complete for my next class, a test on Thursday to study for, and a million other things going on in my life.

It's one of those days where it becomes very easy to fall back into bad habits that I thought I was finally starting to grow out of.

It's one of those days that I question why I am here.

It's a day I wish I could live under a rock and not have to worry about the things that plague my life so heavily.



I've said it before, but I'm so very tired.

Being tired is not a physical state of exhaustion where you can go to sleep in hopes that life will be calmer and more clear when you wake up. It's the kind of tired where all I can seem to manage to do is lay in bed and stare at a blank wall. I don't want to deal with "friends," professors, nursing school, the stresses of what to do after graduation, wondering if I will graduate, or even worrying about eating. I find myself going through motions and not actually being present. My body is in the right place that I am supposed to be, but I no longer have a brain, thoughts, or emotions to accompany my body to it's scheduled activities.

I'm tired.

Counseling Homework: Journal

*****Fowl language present in this post. Proceed with caution***** 

My homework for this week is to journal each night before bed. Last night's theme: anger. Anger at "friends," anger that exfiance tried to contact me just once I start getting free from his evil grasp on my life, and angry that this is my life.

I'm angry. I'm sad. Mostly, I'm numb between the overwhelming rage at seemingly everything in my life and the bouts of sadness that pepper each day.

So, my homework is to journal. I didn't even tell my counselor about my anger issues because one hour is simply not enough time to be able to process everything I need to process. It barely even scratches the surface because I have way too much noise in my head.

I guess we're going to start working on my self-esteem. I shared my needs and wants list with her, and I suppose the common thread through the need list was basic survival stuff. My wants seem to need a foundation of self-esteem before anything else can happen, I guess. So, that is a next step.


I talked with counselor about reporting the guys. When it comes to this, I get very confused. When I told her I didn't want to report them, we discussed what happens if I don't report them: they don't realize they've done wrong or they knew they did wrong and they continue to believe they can get away with it, they could do this to other girls, etc, etc, etc.

So, I did some soul searching and finally find it in my conscience the desire to report these assholes and hope, best case scenario, that they go to prison or get some kind of legal punishment and record for these wrongs. When I mentioned my desire to report them, I let her know I had been reading about the process and other victim's stories online about the reporting process. Now I feel deflated because I don't think I'm strong enough to go through with the re-victimization that the reporting process can cause.

She, having worked with these cases many times before, let me in on what to expect and the prognosis is not good. With the first one, at least I went and got a SANE exam. After the second guy, I wanted to go get an exam so badly, but he talked me into staying with him and he questioned me if I was going to go get one. He has questioned me about getting a SANE exam several times since then and he uses guilt trips and fear to keep me from ever getting them. Between that and the costs associated with them if you aren't going to report (and I wasn't ready to report them at the time so no compensation would have been given), I had no ability to get the exam done. At least 10-12 of the 14 times he claims we "had sex" could have been used for a SANE exam, but his clutch on me was so intense that he even made me feel guilty for hurting his feelings when I went and got the Plan B pill just to cover my tail that way. He said it was terrible for me to be buying that pill because it meant I didn't believe or trust him. No shit Fucker, I don't believe that you "pull out" and that that is an efficient means of pregnancy prevention because you told me you wanted to get me pregnant!!! SEVERAL FUCKING TIMES!!!

I actually think he was mad at me taking the EC (emergency contraception) because it meant he was not in control of me becoming pregnant. He thought he had control of my mind, my emotions, and my body, but I wouldn't give him total control of "us" (essentially him via my uterus) bringing another life into this world as a result of continued abuse. This thought is a brand new epiphany I got while writing this. Ugh, the weight of what he's done gets heavier. As it gets heavier, the more I realize that everything that could be used as proof, he said over the phone or in person and he can refute all of these points. I have no texts or way to prove that he did this, said this, told me this, yelled at me for hours upon hours, and manipulated me in order to try to make me believe all of these things were my idea and not him manipulating me.

He had to have been planning for the eventuality that this would go to court and he wanted no proof that could be used against him. I think he plans this and has a specific method of action so that he can do this over and over again. That has to be what is going on here because he took measures to make sure that only small talk was done over text but yelling, fights, and difficult subjects where I was trying to stand up for myself as he bulldozed me was all done over the phone or in person. He was planning for no evidence so that he could talk his way out of another felony like he's done for all of his other fucking charges. Granted, these are just speculations, but I've racked my brain and this is just now coming to me.

The idea that he planned this and made sure there was no evidence makes so much sense! He's told me tons of stories where he has the "evidence" of a girl saying "yes" to sex with him but when she wakes up in the morning and calls the cops saying he raped her, then he shows the cop a video of her saying "yes" and they tell her that she is just being dramatic! Nobody knows if she was able to consent and was in a sober state-of-mind, and as far as I know the cop doesn't ask her about that. The only thing he ever told me is that about a dozen girls have told him they raped them, and he comes back with a video of her saying it's "okay" if they have sex.

One day we were talking about the day I woke up naked next to him in that shitty motel, not remembering anything that had happened because he had brought me so much alcohol that I blacked out, he told me he should have gotten me on video consenting. He also told me a few days after that that he felt like he had raped me but later denied ever saying this. Then he said that saying he "felt like he raped me" was a joke that he played because that was the day he picked that 4 hour long fight as he drove me to the proposal in the cabin.

Puzzle pieces are starting to fit together and the memories are coming back.

This is going to be hard. I've been able to block out so much of exboyfriend and exfiance for so long, now I have to begin thinking about this stuff so that I can remember what happened in order to be able to report it to police and brainstorm ways to get these fucking assholes behind bars.

Exfiance was laying the ground work to hurt people, and me, since before I ever met him. How many other girls has he done this to? How many more times will he get away with his evil schemes and how many more lives will he ruin?



I was asked why I want to report them now?

There are a lot of answers to this: I wasn't strong enough to see that I had done everything I needed to do in order to try to stop their actions against me (said no, physically trying to push them away, trying to avoid them, attempting to break up with them, trying to bring other people around when they wanted to hang out, etc); I want to get their actions on file even if there isn't enough evidence to convict them at this time; if other girls come forward, I want to know that I helped get those other girls justice, even if reporting them does nothing for me; I'm beginning to understand what happened to me; I'm not reporting them out of vengeance, I'm trying to consider the safety and life quality of the others they may come into contact with, nobody should have to deal with life the way I'm having to deal with it. Yes, it has taken me months, almost a year, to report them. However, it's taken me this long to get out of a numb state-of-mind so that I could start remembering the details and start realizing that what they've done is one of the worst crimes they can do against another living creature.


I've learned that many victims find reporting their abusers even more traumatizing than the actual assaults were originally. That is absolute bullshit. There is also like less than one person convicted of rape out of every 100 rapes reported. Some of those are fake reports of girls trying to get back at their boyfriends, but so many are unable to be prosecuted in any way because rapes come down to he said, she said.

I think this is because victims are in shock for so long, they don't understand what happened to them. By the time they come to and realize that what happened was against the law, it's often too late for a SANE exam, especially if evidence is needed to prove the rape was done by who the victim claims it was. Many people don't even know you need to go get a SANE exam if you are sexually assaulted/raped. I am in nursing school and have worked in hospitals for years and hadn't ever heard of a specific specialty in nursing for sexual assault cases. When I first heard the term "SANE exam" I thought it was a psych consult to see if I was telling the truth or crazy and reporting something that didn't actually happen. Our society is so backwards and uninformed about sexual assault and rape, most victims don't know and have no mental capacity (due to the shock) to be able to know that there are steps they need to take after something so traumatizing.



So, as far as reporting goes, I was asked to think about it for awhile longer. I was advised to wait until I'm stronger and not going through so much school stress. That poses a problem because I want to move away after I graduate and leave the state. How am I going to report these crimes if I'm in a different state?

Why is life so fucking hard?

Why are there not more intense bad words to fully express myself adequately? Maybe there are no words to be able to describe some things people go through because some things are so heinous and some emotions are so powerful and raw that words don't even come close to being sufficient.

I Ignored the Call

He called me tonight. Exfiance called me. He left texts asking me to call him back but I ignored them all and called my brother and then my mom. It's Valentine's Day for goodness sake! Why can he not just leave me alone?!?

Main point is: I ignored the call.

It was hard. Believe it or not, it was probably one of the hardest things I've had to do so far.

My brother didn't answer right away when I called him, but my mom did. She told me to text exfiance and tell him to stop contacting me. During that conversation, Brother called me and I told Brother everything was fine but that exfiance had tried to call me. He offered to come spend the night at my house to protect me, but that he wouldn't be here for a few hours because he needed to go to the gym before he came over. Well, okay, we'll see. I'm fine right now, but I may end up calling him to have him come over.

The cops are on speed dial and only a click away right now though, just in case exfiance tries to come over tonight. He answered my "don't text me anymore because I'll get a restraining order" text with saying that he "couldn't believe I was being like this and he just wanted to tell me something."

Well, then just fucking say it! Tell me over fucking text without me having to ask a billion and five questions! Leave a fucking voicemail and let me know what this "important" information you have for me is! Besides that, leave me the fuck alone!!! Just STOP!!!!! Let me have a little bit of peace.

He doesn't know I'm going to the cops soon. He doesn't know that my story will be a part of a case and his name will be all over it. He doesn't know that maybe, just maybe, this will be the final straw that finally puts him in prison where he cannot get out for awhile. L-rd, let me get into contact with the other girls so that maybe we an have a solid case against him! Please, oh L-rd, let this prayer be heard and answered with miracles.

I was already struggling today. I spent about an hour on the phone with my mom recalling that this is about the time that exboyfriend started controlling me and talked me into kissing him after about a month of trying to guilt me into it. He had recently told me that he had been talking to me and exroommate's cousin about dating both of us but he liked me better so cut ties with her unexpectedly. Sure, that left him with no major problems, but it filled my life with drama because I had become friends with the cousin and it was my roommate's family that he messed up. He ruined so many relationships for me because of talking to both of us, and leading us both on at the same time. Between him and exroommate's mom, they ruined my life. I had no idea the events that transpired about this time last year would lead to the hardest point in my life.

Who knew I would regret waking up each morning because I met him? Because I met her? Who knew I would wish to have amnesia just so I wouldn't be haunted by the ever-present memory of his actions that night and the next day? Who knew I would wish to have been taken from this world years ago so that I could have been able to die pure instead of so messed up that I'm not even hamburger meat anymore?

Who knew it could even get worse? That it could get so much worse that I start to remember the terrible first relationship as something I would rather be in (with exboyfriend), instead of ever living through the second (with exfiance)?

It makes no sense as to why this is my life. I don't understand why these are my burdens to bear and why I am forced to suffer in this death sentence. Let's be real, none of us are getting out alive. But why is this my path in life? What did I do to deserve this? Would it not be more kind to just put me out of my misery and let me die? Why make me continue on and fight this impossible, never-ending fight for life?

He called tonight. I panicked. Despite the panic, I did not answer. However, my mind will not be quieted tonight. Every sound, every creak, everything I hear will be met with my startle response.

This is part of my burden.

This is a part of my pain.

It will not end.

This is my life from now on.

New Year, New Me

A lot of people start the new year saying this. It's usually bullshit. The new changes (like exercising more, taking people for granted less, etc, etc) typically don't last long. There will be a couple weeks of solid effort because the person goes back to their normal habits. That's okay. We're all here and we are who we are. So, it's good to start new years off with good intentions, even if those good intentions don't last until February or whatever your second month of the year happens to be.

Since the beginning of this year, I have been fighting to remain alone. EXfiance keeps texting and calling (only calls occasionally) asking me how "we" can "fix" us. I tell him time and time again that "we" do not get to get "fixed" anymore. I tried fixing us when we were still a thing and he didn't think that was important because he didn't think I would actually walk away. Well, buddy, too bad for you that I'm stronger than you thought I was.

He told me he's gonna go get counseling because I've been pestering him about getting counseling for a long time now. We'll see if he actually goes consistently, or if this is another lie. Regardless, I'm not getting back together with him. I'm sick of getting dragged through mud, tar, broken glass, gravel, and a whole host of bacteria just to be left on the side of the road naked and mostly dead (metaphorically).

My job ended on Christmas. My relationship ended a couple days before that. 2016 was a year to start clean. I'm not doing typical New Year's resolutions, I'm just working to help myself right now.

I started exercising with Bikini Body Mommy again, but only lasted two days.

I have gained 10-15 lbs since the break-up.

However, on a very positive note, I got an appointment to start counseling again. This time I am going through an organization that specializes in domestic abuse (I don't think this applies to me) and rape (this part does apply to me). I talked with my counselor today and she told me the first day involves paperwork for about 30 minutes and then we go right into a session. I'm hoping it doesn't take three sessions of babbling to get me to a point where we are actually working on anything.


I find myself wishing the L-rd would punish these guys for what they did. Damn, if that means it was my fault then punish me. But if it wasn't me, then I want them to understand that what they did was wrong. I don't believe in karma or in seeking revenge. The Bible, however, says that G-d deals justly and gives good to those who are good and bad to those who are bad. I've gotten a lot of bad being with the not-so-good guys in my life. Things are starting to get better but it's taking a lot of time.

Mostly, I want to know that not pressing charges was an okay thing to do. I need to know that if I happened to get up in front of a jury and they heard my side and the guys' sides, that the jury would let me know that it wasn't my fault. I also want apologies.

I want them, the guys, to tell me that they're sorry for what happened. Not sorry that I broke up with them or got mad. No, sorry that I have to deal with the nightmares, panic attacks, pieces of my family that they left behind, the knowledge that I will never get to go to my marriage bed pure. Most of all, I want them to understand how hard it is to live with the fact that these fuckers couldn't keep their dicks to themselves and caused this much damage to the point where I don't want to live anymore. I want them to understand that. It's not just an "oops my penis entered your body, my bad" kind of a situation. This is a, "you couldn't control yourself or see past your own desires at one point in time and now I want to die" kind of a situation. I want them to understand that what may seem like a little mistake to them is something that causes so much pain in others. I bear the brunt of it, but now my mom, brother, and a few friends have to share in the knowledge that a very sweet girl was stupid enough to have this done to her twice.

I know that multiple rapes are not very scarce. I am not saying other girls are stupid for getting raped twice. I'm saying that I feel stupid for allowing it to happen twice to me because I could have prevented it.

I want to know that the L-rd has better things in store and that He says that I'm clean. I want my memories of these two guys erased and the pain to be no more. I want to not have to live this life anymore.

I'm so very tired.

If you guys remember, I met Exboyfriend last year on New Year's Day right around 2 a.m. at a New Year's Eve dance. Funny to think that so much shit has happened to one person in a year. Other people go through more, but it's just something I watch from the sidelines. It's something else entirely to go through this personally.

So, for all of you starting new years out there, I know I'm a little late but I hope you guys have a good 2016. I pray that you guys have healthy years, full of love and laughter. I want you guys to find joy in your every day life and have some fun with those you love. Make time for friends and family. If you don't feel good, take a few days to rest and get yourself better. Keep up on you so that the rest of us can enjoy time with you when you're feeling better. Many of you have struggled with health issues, personal problems, and a whole host of troubles this last year; I'm right there with you. Don't think I don't remember you guys and your sufferings too (if you told them to me or wrote them in your blogs), I'm just reliving my troubles again. Sorry about that.

Blessings guys.

Wedding of a Friend

A friend of mine got married today to a really sweet girl. He is from my Messianic Congregation and I don't know how he met her, but she's been attending the congregation for awhile now too.

I truly hope they have a great life and I pray that their marriage is blessed.

With all the well wishes, I can't help but grieve the dreams of mine that were dashed. Little did I know my life would change so drastically in a year. It was New Year's Day at about 0100 in the morning that I met exboyfriend. I didn't know he would take my first kiss. I didn't know that my world would be shattered. I didn't know that my dreams of any type of a Happily Ever After would go up in flames just a few short months later.

I truly do try to be happy for my friends who get to live in their happy little fairy tales while I am getting beat to death by the reality of the turn my life took because a guy that I was introduced to along the way refused to keep his hands and other appendages to himself. I thought it was bad watching friends get married when I was single. This is so much worse.

I don't believe in fairy tale endings. I am a very grounded person and I have no illusions that married life will be unicorns and rainbows like many of my friends tend to believe. So, why then was this the path that I have to walk? Why is it that I was given this burden? Why is my dream of a simple life burnt to the ground when all I've ever tried to do is be kind and try to follow the L-rd.

I'm slipping from Him lately. It's hard to see His light at the end of the tunnel when there are so many goblins and trolls along my journey to get to Him.

I miss who I used to be. I wish I would have never met him and I wish my life was the way it was a year ago. If it was, I know I could survive. Right now, it's dicey to know if I'll wake up in the morning or not.

No Replies Necessary

Today I am having a hard day. Today, I need to vent in a place where I will not see the judgement on everyone's face, and where I will not hear the backlash and get lectured on it later. So, please no replies to today's post. I love you all, I respect your wish to help me and not see me hurt, but sometimes it's okay to just let someone deal with stuff alone. Today, this post, these are one of those times.

I broke up with Fiance Wednesday. I wasn't planning it and I wasn't expecting it but I did. We had planned to hang out. We hung out for awhile, and then he needed to go. Towards the end, while he was driving me back to my car, he was lecturing me about stupid stuff. I was getting irritated and I have been struggling with our relationship for several months now. He ended up asking me (for the millionth time) if I was done fighting.

That is usually his way of letting me know he sees that I am frustrated and that I'm having a hard time attempting to stay in the relationship. That day I was done. He asked if I was done fighting and I said yes. He asked if that meant that we were over, I said yes.

We got to my car and spent the next half hour talking, holding hands, hugging, and he kissed me a few times. I cried, like a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Then I got in my car, he drove away and I sat there for awhile getting to a place where I could be able to see while driving.

I spent the rest of the day crying and being with friends. I only told my brother, Beauty, and my new Roommate. They seem supportive of me but nobody knows what to say to me. I spent the next day sleeping and crying. We continued to talk a little bit and I got a lot of things off my chest because he kept asking questions so I answered them honestly. He went out drinking both nights and texted me the whole time he was out. Friday he ended up calling me and we talked for awhile. He asked more questions and I answered truthfully still. He went out drinking again then came to my apartment drunk. We talked for two or three hours out in his truck. He begged me to take him back. I told him to ask me when he was sober.

He ended up asking me again the next morning. I told him I don't know. We keep talking, he keeps asking "what's the plan?". I keep responding with I don't know. As of right now, we are trying to work things out, but my heart's not in it, he knows that because I've flat out told him so.

New Roommate has been watching me through all of this. A couple weeks ago we were drinking at home and she started asking questions. Those questions ended up revealing that the relationship I have with him is not the healthiest and she is now scared of him. I get it. I would be reacting the same way if I was watching her go through this, but I feel like I am in control. I see what is going on behind the scenes, that she doesn't see, and I know that he and I have had a really rough ride but I know that I can walk away when I need to. I've done it already, I can do it again.

He's upset that the relationship is not the same that it was before we broke up. I told him that I need time to figure stuff out and trust him again. He didn't do anything like cheat on me, I just found some stuff out, that he admitted to, but didn't want to tell me. I feel slighted and stupid. Shit happens.

In church, we're talking about how G-d takes us through wildernesses and then allows things to happen to us to see how we'll react and to see if we will still trust Him. I don't necessarily think this relationship is a wilderness right now, I know that my current situation is largely caused by my poor choices. However, I am reminded of Job and how he was righteous and G-d saw that he was doing well. G-d then allowed him to be tested to ensure that his heart was pure and true. Well, if I am in a wilderness, I do believe I'm probably failing the tests. I'm probably failing all of the tests. My heart is angry, I'm impatient, I don't want to talk to anyone, I was to isolate myself, and I am picking up some habits that are slightly frowned upon. I'm tired guys. Right now, my life is really hard and I feel like I've messed it up beyond repair. I know that G-d can work miracles and fix everything, I'm just not seeing it right now. That's okay, He does everything in His own timing and I await the day when I get to see how He works a miracle through this incredible mess I've made. Unfortunately, I'm not able to hold my breath that long because I've been waiting months and I'm not seeing it. In fact, it's gotten worse over the past couple of months. So, I wait expectantly hoping for a miracle, but riding out the storm I've found myself in.

I'm angry, I feel completely used up, graceless, unforgiving, frustrated, exhausted, irritated, and I wish that I didn't have to live this life. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that I love the L-rd and I hope with all of my heart that this will be over and the L-rd has some kind of purpose for my life. I don't know what the purpose is, I can't even begin to imagine that anything can be made from this disaster. Anything is possible with G-d, He's the only way anything'll work.