As mentioned, my counselor lead me through a session of Healing Prayer. At first, it was really difficult. I felt my mind go blank and I couldn't go anywhere.
Eventually, though, G-d brought me to my NICU in Small Town. The NICU where I find such comfort, such joy, such realization of my dream to care for babies coming true. I absolutely loved this NICU when I was there and I miss it so much!
Anyway, I was there, standing at the entrance to one of the NICU bays. I didn't go in, there was no baby there, but I was comfortable.
Then He then brought me to a dark place. There were no walls, it wasn't pitch black, and I was not scared. I was just there sitting with my eyes closed, still not scared. When my vision came back a little, I could see myself sitting there, in Yeshua's lap as a little child, and he was simply rocking me. My eyes were closed, I was comfortable. His eyes were closed, and His face was so serene and peaceful.
I remembered my time spent in the nursery at church, with the little 1-2 years olds, and little 3 year olds that experienced so much separation anxiety. I remember helping to start with a church startup. I worked the childcare, of course, as my whole life had prepared me for. I worked with the nursery of children up to 1 year old, and then the next class of children going up to about 3 years old. With each week, I learned the children's personalities, and how to help them the best. I remember this one little boy who rarely stayed in the class, because he would cry so hard that we would have to call his mom back most weeks within 10-15 minutes of him being dropped off. Week after week, I tried my best to pull out all of my tricks to comfort him, and then some. I wrote little sheets to help other volunteers know what tricks worked best with each child. Thinking back, I was writing up careplans at the age of 16, before I ever knew what a careplan was. Now it just seems to make sense to me, having been through nursing school and working as a nurse for the last couple of years.
This particular little boy finally settled down one day, in my arms. I sat with him, on my lap, with my hand bringing his head to my chest. I "shhhhhhh" over and over, while my hand supported the area around his sweet little ear. Eventually, he calmed down. I released my grip and he brought my hand back to the side of his face, to resume the comforting pressure.
When I saw myself sitting in Yeshua's lap, He was supporting my little face against His chest in this fashion. Finally, after being the comforter for so many babies, children, friends, and others, I was finally being comforted by The Comforter. I was supported, protected, cherished, and a source of joy for the One who loves me, made me, and has walked with me my whole life.
Shortly after, I saw myself with Him in an open field. I was a child, in a white dress, dancing and enjoying my time in a field of little white flowers. I spent time dancing around with Him and other time laying in the soft grass enjoying the warmth and peace of His presence. Everything was bright and beautiful and clean. I was white and pure and innocent. I was loved and secure in my knowledge that I am loved. I was joyful and able to enjoy time being carefree without a care in the world.
I thanked Him for my time with Him, for Him showing up to be with me, and for what He's shown me. I thanked Him for all of the healing He brought about in such a short period of time and for the joy He's reinstated in my life so quickly.
I still tear up at the memories of the White Robe and what He did for me in the Healing Prayer session. I had never experienced visions before, and I truly believe that is what I experienced in these moments.
Showing posts with label forgiven. Show all posts
Showing posts with label forgiven. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 28, 2018
My Vision of a White Robe
In thinking about what I've written lately, I realized that I mentioned my vision of the White Robe but I never told you guys the story!!! Well, this simply cannot be!
As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, I've been attending a Bible study. In this Bible study, we were going through Beth Moore's new study The Quest.
Y'all, this study is INTENSE! From the first week, I felt like I was physically wrestling with G-d. I sobbed for the first several weeks, struggled with much of the study, and yet continued on in the pages. At the Bible study class, I would cry during the videos, in a room full of about a hundred other women (and I don't like to cry in front of others). And then in small group, the weeping continued.
I was having such a difficult time! Many of the women were going through the study with no problems. They interpreted the questions far differently than I did. While the women were wearing smiles and having an "aaaaaaaaaahhh!" *angels singing* experience, I was roundabout ready to burn the book and take up my torch and pitchfork. I couldn't figure out why some people read these black and white questions so differently than I did. While some were asking "where were you G-d?" in a nice, calm, voice. I was demanding "WHERE WERE YOU G-D???!!!???"
In the second or third week, we were going through prayer requests, and I requested that the group pray for my healing. Honestly, I didn't know what I wanted healing from. I felt this voice tell me to ask the women in my group to pray for healing. Well, with nothing to lose, and the encouragement of my counselor to find community and consider vulnerability, I asked them to pray for healing for me. They didn't pry much about healing from what, sensing that I didn't want to share, but they prayed for me. I don't know if they continued on through the next couple of weeks, and they didn't ask if healing had occurred when I showed up to bible study two weeks later. Nobody bridged the subject until I brought it up weeks and weeks later.
A couple of days later I was at church worshipping. I sat on the opposite side of the sanctuary than I normally sit. I had my eyes closed and wasn't singing because I didn't know the song. However, I recall it had something to do with forgiveness and being clothed in white. Since I wasn't singing, I took to pouring out my heart to G-d, interjecting the song into my prayers. Suddenly, I was prostrated... rather, in the fetal position, dressed in dark gray/black rags, and in the dark. Yeshua (Jesus) walked over to me and helped me up. then, in His hands, he held a pure white robe. He handed this to me and suddenly I was dressed in white. I was no longer dragged down by the shame, pain, and heaviness that has burdened my being for years. I was lighter. I was clean. I was forgiven.
I am forgiven.
Days later, I was working on my Bible study again, and it discussed one of the most important verses/scenes in the Bible to me since becoming Messianic. This portion of the Bible is where G-d comes to Peter in a vision in Acts 10, starting at verse 9. Peter was traveling (somewhere, I don't know where) and he was hungry. I imagine him being faint and probably either hangry, or so hungry that he's way past being hangry. Anyway, G-d shows him this vision of a blanket filled with tons of unkosher, unclean animals. Along with that, G-d tells Peter to "get up, kill, and eat". Peter almost loses it! He says "absolutely not!" (paraphrased). G-d tells Peter not to call anything unclean that which He has made clean (paraphrased from Acts 10:15 NIV). This conversation happens 3 times before the vision ends.
When learning Messianic traditions and views, this verse is used often. Some people use it to say that Gentiles and non-Jews are to be accepted and welcomed freely into the Jewish/Messianic faith. Others take it a little more literally and take it to mean that it's okay to eat bacon, lobster, and whatever other "un-kosher" foods they wish to eat. Others reference it when debating the need to circumcise males or not. For me, when G-d brought this verse back to my attention, it was a very real proclamation that I am clean, forgiven, accepted, and loved by the only One that can see my whole past and my whole heart and still proclaim true judgement over my life.
He calls me clean.
After the vision of my White Robe, I cried. I sobbed in the middle of worship. Those sitting next to me might have looked my way, but I didn't notice. They did give me weird glances when we all had to get to the weird meet-and-greet part of service that seems to be so common in churches between worship and the sermon. But I didn't even care because the junk that has plagued my life for most of my life has been forgiven and taken upon the L-rd. He took my burdens and replaced my heavy yolk with His own light one.
I've come to understand suffering. I know there is much more suffering in the world, much worse than mine. However, I understand feeling dirty, unacceptable, and unloveable. From struggles and troubles I've had my whole life, to the shame and guilt I experienced after all of my sexual abuse and best friend's incidence with me. In mere moments, a simple vision with Yeshua, He took it all away. I struggle with memories now, but it is nothing like living in the thick of suffering that I have been living in for so long. I literally feel lighter and not so run-down.
A week or two later, my counselor and I did a session of Healing Prayer. That too was intense. But that is a story for another post.
Much love,
BA
As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, I've been attending a Bible study. In this Bible study, we were going through Beth Moore's new study The Quest.
Y'all, this study is INTENSE! From the first week, I felt like I was physically wrestling with G-d. I sobbed for the first several weeks, struggled with much of the study, and yet continued on in the pages. At the Bible study class, I would cry during the videos, in a room full of about a hundred other women (and I don't like to cry in front of others). And then in small group, the weeping continued.
I was having such a difficult time! Many of the women were going through the study with no problems. They interpreted the questions far differently than I did. While the women were wearing smiles and having an "aaaaaaaaaahhh!" *angels singing* experience, I was roundabout ready to burn the book and take up my torch and pitchfork. I couldn't figure out why some people read these black and white questions so differently than I did. While some were asking "where were you G-d?" in a nice, calm, voice. I was demanding "WHERE WERE YOU G-D???!!!???"
In the second or third week, we were going through prayer requests, and I requested that the group pray for my healing. Honestly, I didn't know what I wanted healing from. I felt this voice tell me to ask the women in my group to pray for healing. Well, with nothing to lose, and the encouragement of my counselor to find community and consider vulnerability, I asked them to pray for healing for me. They didn't pry much about healing from what, sensing that I didn't want to share, but they prayed for me. I don't know if they continued on through the next couple of weeks, and they didn't ask if healing had occurred when I showed up to bible study two weeks later. Nobody bridged the subject until I brought it up weeks and weeks later.
A couple of days later I was at church worshipping. I sat on the opposite side of the sanctuary than I normally sit. I had my eyes closed and wasn't singing because I didn't know the song. However, I recall it had something to do with forgiveness and being clothed in white. Since I wasn't singing, I took to pouring out my heart to G-d, interjecting the song into my prayers. Suddenly, I was prostrated... rather, in the fetal position, dressed in dark gray/black rags, and in the dark. Yeshua (Jesus) walked over to me and helped me up. then, in His hands, he held a pure white robe. He handed this to me and suddenly I was dressed in white. I was no longer dragged down by the shame, pain, and heaviness that has burdened my being for years. I was lighter. I was clean. I was forgiven.
I am forgiven.
Days later, I was working on my Bible study again, and it discussed one of the most important verses/scenes in the Bible to me since becoming Messianic. This portion of the Bible is where G-d comes to Peter in a vision in Acts 10, starting at verse 9. Peter was traveling (somewhere, I don't know where) and he was hungry. I imagine him being faint and probably either hangry, or so hungry that he's way past being hangry. Anyway, G-d shows him this vision of a blanket filled with tons of unkosher, unclean animals. Along with that, G-d tells Peter to "get up, kill, and eat". Peter almost loses it! He says "absolutely not!" (paraphrased). G-d tells Peter not to call anything unclean that which He has made clean (paraphrased from Acts 10:15 NIV). This conversation happens 3 times before the vision ends.
When learning Messianic traditions and views, this verse is used often. Some people use it to say that Gentiles and non-Jews are to be accepted and welcomed freely into the Jewish/Messianic faith. Others take it a little more literally and take it to mean that it's okay to eat bacon, lobster, and whatever other "un-kosher" foods they wish to eat. Others reference it when debating the need to circumcise males or not. For me, when G-d brought this verse back to my attention, it was a very real proclamation that I am clean, forgiven, accepted, and loved by the only One that can see my whole past and my whole heart and still proclaim true judgement over my life.
He calls me clean.
After the vision of my White Robe, I cried. I sobbed in the middle of worship. Those sitting next to me might have looked my way, but I didn't notice. They did give me weird glances when we all had to get to the weird meet-and-greet part of service that seems to be so common in churches between worship and the sermon. But I didn't even care because the junk that has plagued my life for most of my life has been forgiven and taken upon the L-rd. He took my burdens and replaced my heavy yolk with His own light one.
I've come to understand suffering. I know there is much more suffering in the world, much worse than mine. However, I understand feeling dirty, unacceptable, and unloveable. From struggles and troubles I've had my whole life, to the shame and guilt I experienced after all of my sexual abuse and best friend's incidence with me. In mere moments, a simple vision with Yeshua, He took it all away. I struggle with memories now, but it is nothing like living in the thick of suffering that I have been living in for so long. I literally feel lighter and not so run-down.
A week or two later, my counselor and I did a session of Healing Prayer. That too was intense. But that is a story for another post.
Much love,
BA
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