Meaning of Life

Millions of people have dedicated their lives to figuring out the purpose and meaning of life.

Writings are found in scriptures, and it is arguably the point of most, if not all religions.

Here I sit, after watching the movie Gifted, and I am contemplating the meaning of life. What the hell.

I've been in existential crisis mode for years. Maybe it is my developmental stage. Maybe I'm destined for greatness. Maybe, just maybe, I'm having the same wonderings that everybody else has because that's just what humans do. We all think that our lives should have meaning.

Some of us find meaning in making loads of friends and having tons of connections. Some of us have incredible brain power and focus on academia, solving the problems of the world, or inventing things. Some of us believe that bringing children into the world, loving them, and raising them to be "good people" or the best they can be is the point in life. Some of us chase monetary gains, travel experiences, time with friends and family, or other means to make our days full and busy and something that will strengthen the heart.



Bear with me for a moment, but what if there is more?

There has to be more to life than marrying someone, procreating, having happy days, chasing dreams, studying your life away, enjoying sunsets, and believing in some sort of deity or spiritual power.

There has to be more than waking up, eating, going on about your day doing whatever makes you happy or whatever is "necessary" for sustaining the life you believe you need to have, and then sleeping.

There has to be more than meeting your basic survival needs, maybe adding in some fun and relationships, and then calling it good for the entirety of your thousands of days on earth.

There has got to be something bigger behind us "making a life for ourselves" while on this earth, and potentially having your name or "legacy" remembered for a few generations. Somewhere along the line, whether a few days or thousands of years after you die, you will be forgotten.



So, then, what's the point? What's the point in going into millions of dollars of debt to continue on in your schooling? What's the point in losing time with family and friends so that you can go study? What is the point in trying to solve problems of the world, because you won't be able to solve all of the problems of the world. Plus, for each problem you solve, there are probably hundreds of others that come up.

What's the point in me missing time with friends and family to work? It doesn't matter that I love my job and my friends are also at work. The point is that I am "sacrificing" time of my life, a lot of time for that matter, to serve others who will no sooner forget my name than 3.85 seconds after I sign off for the day with them and the next shift comes in to take over.

But, then, what's the point in spending time with friends and family? They'll die, and betray you, and hurt your feelings, and cost you money, and be a weight on your shoulders. Yes, they are fun, provide love, and allow you to occupy your time doing desirable activities (hopefully). But, what's the reasoning behind it?

Why do we spend most of our lives with people we barely know, providing services that don't benefit us more than bringing in a paycheck, in order to spend money traveling, eating, on family, and to provide a roof over our heads and maybe even a bed to sleep on. Who cares? By the time you die, will that job really have meant a whole lot? It keeps you away from your family and friends, requires training and brain power, causes stress, forces you to interact with people who may/may not cause mental/physical/emotional harm to you.

Doesn't this seem counter-intuitive? Doesn't it all come out in the wash as being futile?

Why bring kids into the world? By your actions, another life is added to the count on earth. By doing this, you sign up another being to a life that is not guaranteed anything but turmoil, pain, sharp learning curves, ridicule, tears, and suffering. Great, there are times of laughter and joy. But, we're human. Being a Bible-believer, I believe it when G-d said we are going to spend our whole lives toiling. And for what?

Yeah, kids are great. If I believe that last bit about the Bible, I also have to believe that G-d told us to "be fruitful and multiply". To which I get to add ALL of the passages about life being painful, stupid, futile, lacking in meaning, and I come to the conclusion that none of it makes sense. Why sign another human being up for the pains and challenges of life that WE refuse to deal with on a daily basis?! Those poor little beings don't even have a choice in the matter! I didn't have a choice in the matter of being place here, with the difficulties of life, and yet here I am. I'm not mad at anyone that I'm here, I just don't find it particularly logical for me to bring a life into the world when I cannot rationalize being here, myself. (Which is probably for the best seeing as I would, at the very least, need to go find a sperm donor, cook the little soul for several months, and then go through the laboring to get the little life out of me... via torture that is largely self-inflicted.)



You can argue that our meaning in life is to be a good person, for G-d to mold us into whatever He wants us to be. Blah, blah, BLAH. Yada yada. *insert Charlie Brown's teacher in the middle of an 8 hour rant here*

I don't care.



None of this makes any sense to me. The older I get, the more research I do, the more I study scriptures and listen to people (from all backgrounds, not just seminary grads), and the more I have time to think and experience things, the more I believe that most of what I've been taught in church is bullshit.

In my experience, church is a place that you go to make friends. Yeah, you get taught some things and sing a few songs, but it's largely just a meet-up group with the common theme of religion. You can have faith if you want it, or you don't have to. You can make friends if you want, but you don't need to. There will be cliques, popular teachings, big things that are swept under the rug, drama, lies, dysfunction, abuse, and terrible damage inflicted on many.

There are lots of rules, but if you don't follow the rules you can just keep those a secret and ask forgiveness later (if you want). Sometimes there is even food. Read the book, don't read the book. Study on your own, or trust what the people talking at you say. None of it really matters because at the end of the hour and a half meeting, most of us are simply wiping drool from the corners of our mouths while rubbing sleep from our eyes or frantically scribbling down our to-do list that was bombarding our brains through the sermon. Others of us are being elbowed to bring us back from the 3 hour long day dream we just got lost in. (And yes, if you did the math, the time I allotted in this make-believe sermon was only 1.5 hours... Doesn't add up, does it? Exactly my point.)

You can feed me lines that we are humans leading humans by the leading of G-d and some other bunch of nonsense about how important church is, but I'll just get my eye roll exercises in for the week. Start spouting off the shitty cliches we learn in church about meaning, existence, purpose, forgiveness, and whatever else they've bombarded us with, and I will let you watch me walk away.



There has to be more than this. What is it?

I don't doubt that G-d is there, in control... somewhere. I believe the Bible and pray (sometimes). Maybe a lot of this stems from a struggle of faith right now. Perhaps the model of church that is causing such cynicism is something that I should be fighting against. Maybe I just despise the church that I've been going to for the past couple of weeks and I need to find a new one. Maybe I'm just hopeless in life and spirituality is one of the higher tiers of Maslow's hierarchy and it's not my foremost goal at the moment.

Who knows?! I just know that life largely sucks at the moment. It has for months now. I'm over it.

But I don't want to take meds.

A Calling to What?

My recurring theme this past couple of weeks is that I'm called for something more. What is this something more? I have no clue.

Several times now, in many different contexts, and with people that do not know each other, comes the remembrance of Moses. People keep saying that Moses was called. He brought along Aaron (I can't spell Aaron without thinking of the "Substitute Teacher" video on YouTube.)

Anyway, these several people remind me that Moses was called out of nowhere. He was convinced he was not worthy of such a calling. He was convinced that he was ill-equipped and unsuitable to be able to carry out what G-d called him to do. There is also a possibility that he had some sort of problems speaking. It's always stuck out to me that he was given Aaron, because the scriptures say he had a speech impediment. Whether this was constant for him, or something that was aggravated by the stress of going in front of Pharaoh and mass amounts of people, I do not know. All I do know is that the Bible specifically mentions this "problem" he faced.

Here I am, not having had the privilege of speaking to G-d through a burning bush, but having countless people tell me that I am on the cusp of G-d doing something special through me. Even people I've never talked to or really ever met! I feel like G-d has me on the edge of something, but it's not clear to me yet what this new thing is.

I've been applying to volunteer at nearly every church and organization I can find in my nearby area. Nobody is emailing me back... at all... I can't even find a 20's/young singles group to attend because everyone is done for the summer. *facepalm*

Someday it'll make sense. Someday, everything will click into place and I'll get a better idea of what I'm supposed to be doing. Someday, I will be able to laugh at the impatience that I'm experiencing and go through on a semi-regular basis.

This season of waiting, praying, and wondering is not new. G-d suggests I do something, I begin praying for it and working towards what I think may be open doors... many of those doors do not open. Then, when I least expect it, a door opens and everything falls into place.

I do believe I have exhausted just about every obvious door and most of the "creatively found" doors... I'm not certain how much more I can try to apply to before something sticks and works out...

I'll keep y'all posted.

My Vision of a White Robe

In thinking about what I've written lately, I realized that I mentioned my vision of the White Robe but I never told you guys the story!!! Well, this simply cannot be!

As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, I've been attending a Bible study. In this Bible study, we were going through Beth Moore's new study The Quest.

Y'all, this study is INTENSE! From the first week, I felt like I was physically wrestling with G-d. I sobbed for the first several weeks, struggled with much of the study, and yet continued on in the pages. At the Bible study class, I would cry during the videos, in a room full of about a hundred other women (and I don't like to cry in front of others). And then in small group, the weeping continued.

I was having such a difficult time! Many of the women were going through the study with no problems. They interpreted the questions far differently than I did. While the women were wearing smiles and having an "aaaaaaaaaahhh!" *angels singing* experience, I was roundabout ready to burn the book and take up my torch and pitchfork. I couldn't figure out why some people read these black and white questions so differently than I did. While some were asking "where were you G-d?" in a nice, calm, voice. I was demanding "WHERE WERE YOU G-D???!!!???"

In the second or third week, we were going through prayer requests, and I requested that the group pray for my healing. Honestly, I didn't know what I wanted healing from. I felt this voice tell me to ask the women in my group to pray for healing. Well, with nothing to lose, and the encouragement of my counselor to find community and consider vulnerability, I asked them to pray for healing for me. They didn't pry much about healing from what, sensing that I didn't want to share, but they prayed for me. I don't know if they continued on through the next couple of weeks, and they didn't ask if healing had occurred when I showed up to bible study two weeks later. Nobody bridged the subject until I brought it up weeks and weeks later.

A couple of days later I was at church worshipping. I sat on the opposite side of the sanctuary than I normally sit. I had my eyes closed and wasn't singing because I didn't know the song. However, I recall it had something to do with forgiveness and being clothed in white. Since I wasn't singing, I took to pouring out my heart to G-d, interjecting the song into my prayers. Suddenly, I was prostrated... rather, in the fetal position, dressed in dark gray/black rags, and in the dark. Yeshua (Jesus) walked over to me and helped me up. then, in His hands, he held a pure white robe. He handed this to me and suddenly I was dressed in white. I was no longer dragged down by the shame, pain, and heaviness that has burdened my being for years. I was lighter. I was clean. I was forgiven.

I am forgiven.

Days later, I was working on my Bible study again, and it discussed one of the most important verses/scenes in the Bible to me since becoming Messianic. This portion of the Bible is where G-d comes to Peter in a vision in Acts 10, starting at verse 9. Peter was traveling (somewhere, I don't know where) and he was hungry. I imagine him being faint and probably either hangry, or so hungry that he's way past being hangry. Anyway, G-d shows him this vision of a blanket filled with tons of unkosher, unclean animals. Along with that, G-d tells Peter to "get up, kill, and eat". Peter almost loses it! He says "absolutely not!" (paraphrased). G-d tells Peter not to call anything unclean that which He has made clean (paraphrased from Acts 10:15 NIV). This conversation happens 3 times before the vision ends.

When learning Messianic traditions and views, this verse is used often. Some people use it to say that Gentiles and non-Jews are to be accepted and welcomed freely into the Jewish/Messianic faith. Others take it a little more literally and take it to mean that it's okay to eat bacon, lobster, and whatever other "un-kosher" foods they wish to eat. Others reference it when debating the need to circumcise males or not. For me, when G-d brought this verse back to my attention, it was a very real proclamation that I am clean, forgiven, accepted, and loved by the only One that can see my whole past and my whole heart and still proclaim true judgement over my life.

He calls me clean.

After the vision of my White Robe, I cried. I sobbed in the middle of worship. Those sitting next to me might have looked my way, but I didn't notice. They did give me weird glances when we all had to get to the weird meet-and-greet part of service that seems to be so common in churches between worship and the sermon. But I didn't even care because the junk that has plagued my life for most of my life has been forgiven and taken upon the L-rd. He took my burdens and replaced my heavy yolk with His own light one.

I've come to understand suffering. I know there is much more suffering in the world, much worse than mine. However, I understand feeling dirty, unacceptable, and unloveable. From struggles and troubles I've had my whole life, to the shame and guilt I experienced after all of my sexual abuse and best friend's incidence with me. In mere moments, a simple vision with Yeshua, He took it all away. I struggle with memories now, but it is nothing like living in the thick of suffering that I have been living in for so long. I literally feel lighter and not so run-down.

A week or two later, my counselor and I did a session of Healing Prayer. That too was intense. But that is a story for another post.

Much love,
BA

Views On Marriage

After the post I wrote about the dating culture found in my generation, I went to church and learned sat through a whole sermon on marriage.

Let's start off by knowing that I had worked Saturday night, decided to stay awake in order to go to Sunday morning church, but needed to be sleeping in order to work Sunday night. Also remember that I need sleep more than I need oxygen. Sleep is my drug, my comfort, one of my main coping tools, and a general excitement to me at any point in time.

Sleep is important to me, that's the moral of that story.

So, instead of sleeping, that Sunday morning, I went to church (a new church to me, mind you), like a good girl... and regretted it. The pastor decided it would be a good decision to talk about marriage and why it is so important to our lives. Super.

He had 3 points, that I cannot recall at the moment, because I was mostly sitting there in zombie mode, tuning out because I was not following his sermon at all. What I did catch, however, was that we read 4-5 verses about marriage out of Genesis 5, and then we NEVER OPENED THE BIBLE OR READ ANY MORE VERSES FOR THE ENTIRE REST OF CHURCH. Instead of reading from the Good Book to talk about how G-d seems to place certain gravity on the importance of marriage, relationships, and the raising of children, the pastor used quotes from people. He used quotes from guys who have probably been dead for a few decades, but once upon a time had written some doctrinal document that is now revered as being more important that G-d's Word. Of all the frickin' subjects spoken of in the Bible, marriage is kind up there on subjects that you can find a plethora of verses for. I'm just sayin'. For the love of Pete, dude, why are you having a sermon about what mere humans have to say about what they think they want G-d to be referring to in the Word instead of simply going to the Word yourself? Ugh, it made me more angry than I probably should have been. I was sleep deprived and already riled up without throwing this on the mix.

The only plus about the church was that there were a few cute guys, but I feel like they were 1) likely already married or 2) not somebody I should be dating if I already know I don't agree with the pastor on a few subjects...

The kid I "broke up" with a couple weeks ago keeps asking me if I am going to church on Sundays. I keep reminding him that I work but that I'll get around to finding a church eventually. I don't know why everybody feels the need to tell me what I need to be doing all the time. I've been living on my own for 4 years now... if I need help I usually call mom, call dad, then ask for help if they cannot assist me. However, for the most part, I am okay with figuring out how to be an adult on my own. Of all the things I have had to learn on my own: dmv, driver's license, college financial aid nightmares..., college admission, FAFSA, car maintenance (with phone assistance from dad in many cases), renting houses/apartments, living in the dorms, getting jobs (since I was 16!)... I've done a lot on my own. Yes, I still need help occassionally and sometimes it's good to get reminders when I'm going through my depression of "hey, maybe you should remember that it's hard to motivate yourself to go to support group, but it will probably help you today." That's a nice reminder. However, harping on me to go to church continually, like several times in a week when it's already only fucking Tuesday, is not going to do anyone any good and you might end up as a patient in the ER.

Anywho, that particular Sunday, I answered his "good morning" text by letting him know I went to a church but didn't like it so the hunt was continuing on. It turned into a 15 message conversation where he kept telling me what I should be doing, which led me to getting angry but trying to stay civil while also not taking any of his shit...

I was still sleep deprived, now irritated after church, and beginning to boil with him telling me what to do repeatedly. He asked why I didn't like the church, but I never told him which one I had visited. I told him the pastor was more worried about what some silly guy wrote as a doctrine a billion years ago that he (pastor) was about what the Word actually said.

He sympathized, finally, with me then suggested I go to Church R. He said it was a solid, Biblically-based church, with great fellowship... blah, blah, blah. Then, I got to reveal to him the church I was so upset with was Church R!!!

Hahaha, oh man, that made me laugh! It was a sick and twisted thing to laugh at, now that I think back, but I finally found words to explain why some of his discussions with me frustrated me so much, without making it personal towards him. This kid is all about doctrine and quoting some dead guy, from generations past, who thinks he found this "missing meaning" in the Bible that doesn't have a whole lot of scriptural backing when the rest of the Bible is considered. It drives me crazy.

Despite this fact, he is fairly kind in our discussions, even though we believe very differently about most things. And, it's allowing me to have chances to figure out what I believe and how to explain it to others with scriptures to reference. So, in a way, it's good to have some "friendly" fights/discussions every once in a while so that I don't become stagnant in my beliefs and forget why I believe what I believe.



My views and beliefs of marriage are still similar and still perplexing to me. I called my Mom crying when I told her all of this and confessed that I feel torn between wanting marriage and feeling completely okay with being single for the rest of my life. The flip-flopping is ridiculous and giving me a headache! Not really, that was an exaggeration. I also wrestle with the timing of when/if marriage will happen for me. My mom, in her patience and wisdom has had to endure listening to me ramble on about this stuff too many times to count. She reminded me that if G-d wants me single, He will make a way that single life is okay, productive, and my life will still have abundant meaning. If, however, He so chooses to provide a husband and allow me to experience marriage, then He will orchestrate the time and person all in His infinite knowledge.

Even knowing all of these things does not always make it easier in the wait. You know what? That's okay. I've found that the things I have wanted most in this life: jobs, my car, getting into nursing school, graduating college, becoming an RN, getting a NICU job, moving away from home then moving to Small Town, and even the dog that we adopted... all of these things are things that I prayed and prayed for, had to wait for, and worked really hard for (minus the dog, mom paid for her). In all of these things, I wanted to take short-cuts, but that only led to heart-ache and unnecessary stress in my life. However, when I waited and took things slow, waiting on G-d's plan and not trying to make things happen how I wanted it, G-d gave me the desires of my heart and I am content with the outcomes because there is peace in the end result when everything is the way G-d needed it to be.

Long-winded response to remind myself to be patient.

Random Thoughts

It's 0230 and I'm home, but not able to sleep. This, combined with odd life circumstances and a naturally analytical mind, leave me with strange thoughts on a regular basis.

• The extent of which the domestic violence I survived is beginning to hit me from a more logical frame of reference instead of solely from the emotional garbage it laid on me.
• The mice that have taken up residence under my kitchen sink are fixin' to meet the Good L-rd if they don't take the bait in the live traps I set out so that I can transport them to another location still breathing...
• The screen name BedpanAlley doesn't really suit me anymore, seeing as I no longer deal with bedpans... so I need a new name.
• I want to change the way NICU and L&D cares work in the United States, but that's an awful big dream for one tiny little gal. Especially if said gal hopes to someday get married and potentially have children (though that seems improbable and dangerous).
• I need to find a church, but that leads me to try to find a church with a single's group. However, my motives for finding a single's group is less honorable than they should be, because I want a fella. Several problems with this: 1) church should be to learn about G-d, not to find some boy 2) I just tried to "talk" with a boy in hopes of eventually dating and learned I am so far from being ready to date that it's not even funny 3) I still have to wrestle with some shit before dating is even on my radar.
• I need friends to hang out with. While Dog is digging the amount of time I spend at home, she is less thrilled with the fact that I sleep about 18 hours a day. Before you say anything, yes, I know this is unhealthy and I'm working on changing it. She and I went for a "run" today and I made it out of the house before noon!
• My last shift of orientation is tonight. Just let that sink in.
• I wonder how my folks are really doing. I've called them nearly 4 times each this week, but they always make it sound as if they are fine.
• I miss Brother, but he won't talk to me.
• My week is fixin' to become overloaded with extra days they will ask me to work. Knowing me, and how much I would love the overtime pay, I will likely work a bunch of the extra shifts. I'm saving for a car, massage, mani/pedi, trip to a fancy resort in Home State with mom, general savings account, and student loan repayment
• I have mice living in my house. They didn't ask permission and they sure as hell aren't paying rent! Maybe I should get a cat? But Dog tries to eat cats because they look and move like squirrels... Plus I'm allergic to cats and they pee everywhere. *sigh*
• ... Oh, and I think my washing machine broke.

Life of Adventure

When praying about fiance at the beginning of our relationship, the L-rd whispered to my heart we would have adventures, he would give me a life of adventure. This prayer occurred shortly after engagement which was a mere couple of months into our relationship.

This whisper was not a lie. We have had so many ups and downs I wonder most days if I am going crazy or not.

He came home early from work a couple weeks ago on the premise that he thought I was having problems and he wanted to help "fix" us and me. I have repeatedly told him that fixing people is G-d's job and I cannot be fixed in a conversation or two. He disagrees but we've been working through my Country Boy and exboyfriend stuff all summer and I feel like I've made very little progress. Mostly, I just need downtime to heal and start to make my life mine again. I don't feel like I have any control over anything anymore. Granted, how much do any of us control anything that happens to us? Is it not all in G-d's hands? So, I am learning to let go.

Today in church we talked about living a life of adventure. We learned about how the pastor and the church elders/employees feel that G-d is about to move in powerful ways and we are supposed to surrender and let the L-rd have at it. I completely agree, G-d is in control and it is silly for us to try to plan or control anything because everything happens on His time frame, not ours.

If you recall, I had tons of plans for the past two years to go work with Mema in her NICU because I was already offered a job there. She was going to let me pay low rent in exchange for help around the house and we could help each other out with job stuff and whatnot. Those plans went up in smoke this summer. I no longer have any idea of where I will work after graduation, where I will live, what state I will end up in, or even if I will work in the NICU.

If I cannot have kids, I do not want to work with babies (NICU/L&D) because I know I will get burnt out, cynical, and way depressed if I work with babies when I cannot have any. Lately, I have not even wanted to have children or be married because I don't want to drag other children into this world to go through terrible things. I have experienced some rough stuff, but so many other people go through so much more. I cannot bear witness to my children going through such hard life circumstances. I cannot even live through them myself.

I came to this conclusion after watching my mom struggle with my life choices and consequences and happenings the past few months. From her finding out about suicide attempts and self harm at the beginning of the summer, to her watching me go through rape stuff, she is having a hard time with my issues almost worse than I am. I don't want to go through that or watch my kids go through that. So, what do I do to fix such a potential situation? I simply avoid having children. Bam, no issue. If fiance and I do not happen to make it, I'm not saying we will or won't, but I will not try for another relationship. If I stay alone then I don't have to worry about having another person to care for and be concerned about, I will simply have to worry about myself and my work. Yes, it may be a lonely life, but honestly, I've gone through enough for a lifetime or two, I don't need to have anything else happen. I just wanted an easy, simple, pure life. That was stolen in a matter of months and I no longer strive to go for the dreams I had at the beginning of this past April. I just want to be done.

So, I am continually being pulled from listening to the L-rd as He confirms His whispers to me time and time again, to listening to the world/friends/parents/etc when they tell me to cut it off with fiance. How do I know what the L-rd meant by adventure? How do I know when to throw in the towel? I don't know what to do!!!!!

I'm getting burned out at work but I have to go in tonight. I desperately want another job but I don't have time to go through the training involved in getting a different job. What do I do? I'm struggling today, I don't want to do school, or work, or anything but sleep.

It is now Rosh Hashanah! (Jewish New Year!) So, shanah tovah! (Good year, it's like Happy New Year) May you be inscribed in the Book of Life and have a good year.

Another thing the L-rd keeps bringing to me is the thought of restoration. I want so badly to be restored and for fiance to be restored. We are both broken and the only way any of us can be fixed is to have the L-rd, the Creator, fix us. That was part of the message in church today too. Surrendering and being restored and allowing ourselves to be continually created by the One who created and continues to create us for His glory. So many days I wish I could go back in time and avoid all of this, but what if this can all be used for beauty? G-d's beauty. I want so badly to have beauty from these ashes, but I don't know how that can ever come about. Between my mistakes and the things that have happened, I don't feel worthy, I feel so dirty and beyond repair. I now understand the grief and cry in so many worship songs where I just didn't before. Songs that talk about us needing to surrender didn't make much sense before, now I get it.

Am I going crazy?

I get these cravings to just hear the voice of my mom or my dad on the phone. I would love to run up to them and just be able to talk, but I don't know their schedules and I don't think I really have time for that.

Does anyone else get these "cravings"?

I usually call them with nothing to say. So they talk for a couple minutes, ask why I called, and we agree that they need to go because they're busy and I should probably be finding something to study.

Lately I just keep talking about Country Boy with them. It seemed like my whole world was crashing down around me right after I had heard about him. Last night at church we were informed that an 8th grade boy took his own life earlier this week. I just can't escape this! Y'all, suicide just won't let me out of its grips. I think I'm doing okay and them all of a sudden I crash back down to the pits of remembering what happened just a few weeks ago.

I keep talking to my mom about the fact that everything still reminds me of him. I'm scared that she is getting sick of listening to me retelling the same silly stories over and over again. I try not to talk about it with her, or my family, or my friends because I'm sure they will get burnt out and just avoid me for awhile.

Why can't I move on?

When things start to go bad, I start focusing on the other things in my life that are not what I want. I wanted the NICU job and may have been able to have it if I had gone with the classes that I originally wanted and ended up having to sign up for. 3 days of classes a week instead of 5. I could have gotten the job. My relationship with Best Friend didn't work out and I'm wondering how I will ever be able to have a boyfriend or have a husband because I am a runner. If things get too deep, I run. I see the worst possible outcome and find all sorts of ways to "fix" it which usually ends up with me flying solo and skippin' town. My brother is moving out and the only prospective roommate I had can't afford it and so now I don't know if I will be able to find a place to live or someone to live with in the next couple of months before my lease ends.

I just feel so lonely.

I went to church yesterday and that seemed to remind me that my prayers cannot simply be a laundry list of requests for G-d. I miss His voice. My life went from being okay for a couple of months to me crashing and burning in a split second.

I'm just wondering what G-d has in store for me next. What is it that I'm supposed to be doing? Is there something I'm missing?

In such a short time

In the short amount of time that I was "home" for Thanksgiving, re-experienced many things I vowed to not revisit anymore. They aren't big things, but still not pleasant.

The first was visiting my church of 10 years, the one I grew up in. It is also the one that "kicked" our family out because we had differing opinions. They actually didn't kick us out, they just put us down and refused to cease making fun of our ideas and findings while they took a man's word on what G-d means instead of talking to Him about it. If y'all haven't figured it out yet, I don't take too kindly to people raggin' on me when I can't fight back because I was 10 and all the old ladies were underestimating my ability to make my own decisions. Anyway, my brother was driving us and he decided to stop by the church. It was awkward. Only out old youth pastor was there, at first. For the initial 45 minutes that my brother and I were there, the youth pastor talked only to my brother (unless I interjected). It hurt, however, I did not cry or feel like crying after the visit. Normally I do because I suspected that he and his wife never cared for me and all of my past visits have confirmed this suspicion. I finally feel like I don't have to go back, nor do I want to go back ever again. This is healing and this is moving on with my life. No more focusing on the past and my hurt. I will learn from what has happened, but the bitterness is nearly gone and my experiences are allowing me to branch out to the outsiders that I encounter in my everyday life.

Also, I started reading for fun again! I love books. I read a whole book in a day. I also figured out how to get library books onto my iPad without ever leaving my house. What a beautiful invention! Someday, I hope that they increase the amount of ebooks online to be checked out from my local libraries because when I graduate and have some free time, I will likely go through all of them in a matter of months. Unfortunately, no books looked interesting except for romance novels. I have learned in the past that these make me quite bitter and angry for several months. Now, I should not be upset because G-d has protected my heart on so many occasions from being broken in frivolous relationships that would have clearly been dangerous. On the other hand, I tend to throw myself pity parties during/after reading these types of books because I find myself wanting that sort of attention. I want love and a guy to look at me and think: hey, I love this girl so much I want to spend the rest of my life with her. In reality, I think I want the assurance that there is someone committed to me and we pledge and make a binding contract to stay together. Does this really mean that we will live a long happy life married to only each other and be madly in love until we die in each others arms while sleeping one night because we are extremely old and G-d decides to take us home? (run-on, I know. They get worse as my thoughts begin to spill uninterrupted) Absolutely not. I have seen marriages with a firm foundation based on G-d be broken because of unexpected death or a poor decision to sleep with another person in a moment of inappropriate passion and bad judgement. I have witnessed the pain and total brokenness of families and the faces of distraught children over these matters. Marriages that were seen as the model for the church and were expected to go the distance have crumbled. Lives were shattered and pain is left with the rubble.

Having said all that, is it worth it to even desire marriage? I am a pessimist and an analyst. One of my many motto's is: Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. In order to prepare for the worst, I imagine and observe as many bad scenarios as possible so that I can formulate plans of action to avoid or weather the storms that will occur. So, I see the bad that can come from a situation and expect it. I plan for people taking advantage of me (in marriage, friendships, and everywhere). I assume that people get enough of me so that I don't push myself onto people to avoid them becoming burnt out with me. I try to avoid situations that can lead to pain and therefore often just stay at home and refuse human contact. Even still, I have this desire to have a boyfriend. Folks, if you are confused then I apologize, but this even has me at a loss for words. I want something but I don't want it all at the same time. It's like my "heart" and my head are having a war because I know dating is dangerous (logical reasoning from my head) but my heart is wanting to be loved and to feel butterflies and I want to see someone get tongue tied because they find me beautiful and worthy of their love and affection. I want a beau and a husband and children and a family of my own. Yet, the thought of this is terrifying because so much can go wrong.

I started journaling questions that I ask G-d. Recently it's regarding the purpose of marriage, the reason of life, what I am supposed to be doing, and my purpose. Also, why does the Bible mention things like David was handsome and Esther was the most beautiful woman in the land if it also tells us to not see a person's exterior as much as we focus on their actions and what those tell us about their heart? This started because I still have no idea of the purpose of marriage. I asked my friend, who is Catholic, what marriage means to her. She went on and on about how she wants the Cinderella charmed life. I told her that I felt G-d was telling me that there is more and that there is a deeper purpose. She refuted the idea and told me that I over-think everything. While this is true, I don't think I would have this nagging thought that there is something more if there is not something the Ruach Hakodesh (Holy Spirit) is trying to get me to understand. It's such a frustrating feeling but it's also good because I know that He is trying to talk to me and reveal something monumental to me. I'll keep you updated on what He shows me.

Well, enough procrastinating. I have to go start and finish my paper. Major writer's block for academic writings today.

I had a group presentation and it went really well today. We talked about euthanasia... Not a fun subject. My campus also closed down due to weather issues. We were hoping for a snow day all day because the roads were awful. All of a sudden, during other group presentations, someone announces randomly that school was cancelled! (We have a text message system through the school that alerts us of campus closings and everything.) Then they said that the snow day did not start until after our class finished about an hour later. Such disappointment!!! Anyway, I almost had a snow day and nearly got out of my group presentation. Unfortunately, it did not come in time. C'est la vie.

A Better Day

I've been going to the same church for about a month and a half now. I am really starting to enjoy it too. Still, I haven't plugged in and I don't really know anyone because 1) I'm shy, 2) I don't know how to make friends... 3) it's a large church. Last night they made an alter call for anyone who needed prayer. G-d laid it on my heart and I went up. He even showed me who to go to.

I went up and my problems just spilled out of my mouth as tears started streaming down my face. The lady I had been shown prayed with me and even invited me out for brunch this morning. G-d is really using this woman to help me tremendously. She has spoken over my life and G-d has reassured my heart. I know I will still have "bad days," but my current stretch of struggling has subsided. She has also given me some more resources and has given me ideas for new young adult groups both on campus and at the church. She also knows one of the teachers at my nursing school and she is going to get me in touch with her in case I need prayer at school or just to have someone else that I can get help with for nursing school. Furthermore, (I'm not a fan of that word, but it fit...) she told me how to get started in childcare at the church!!! Oh my goodness I miss my babies. I think I'm addicted to the oxytocin, but is that really a bad thing?

So, I feel much better. It's only been a day, so time will tell, but I have a devotional book and a new friend with daughters my age.

My brother introduced coffee with hazelnut creamer to me. Ya, that's a problem.

Off to work. I'll let you know how it goes. I am planning on talking to my manager about transferring or quitting today. It's a new development that occurred just this week at my meeting with my nursing school mentor (the other nursing student that is a year ahead of me in the program.) She told me that I seemed miserable and depressed at my CNA job. I knew that I disliked my job and that it stressed me out to no end, but I hadn't considered quitting until I talked to my mom. G-d has allowed for me to get extra loans so that I can financially be secure if I quit. So, I discussed it with my mom and my dad and I know that I can't take much more of this nonsense at work, so I think I'm just going to quit. Then, I'll have more time to study, my cortisol (stress hormone) levels will hopefully decrease, and maybe I can even get better grades. I really want to get A's this semester, but that's going to take a miracle, even with my decreased work load.


BTW, I drank two cups of coffee with that delicious creamer and it's making me need to pee every 5 minutes. Those 2 cups were a bad idea because this is super inconvenient... Forgive me for the TMI but my brother is gone and I and hopped up on coffee with no one to talk to. (I know that doesn't make the most sense grammatically, but my brain is kinda going nuts right now.)

Misunderstood

Do you ever feel that you are misunderstood? Perhaps you are an RN or a CNA and try to explain your frustrations about work with someone who does not work in medicine. Maybe you are a girl trying to explain your irrational bad day (when nothing is really going wrong but it still feels bad) to your boyfriend, guy friend, parents, etc. Maybe you are a guy trying to explain cars/sports/video games/etc. to your girlfriend, sister, parents, etc. (I am sorry for the stereotypes, normally I steer clear of them but they are personal experiences that just happen to be popping into my head at this moment.) Whatever the reason, my bet is that most people are misunderstood at some point or another.

Recently I went to lunch with my mentor who is in the same nursing program, but a year ahead of me. She likes to set up meeting every couple of weeks to ensure that I am not completely drowning, if she can help it, and also to encourage me to go to church. I have been going to church, so that's good, I guess. I tried explaining the rest of my life and school to her, because I am trying to be open and honest with people, and she totally didn't get me at all. This confirmed my fear that I am, in fact, too strange to be helped. It reinforced my policy that I keep problems to myself and pretend that nothing is wrong even when it is written clearly across my face. Well, I come on here and explain myself, but I don't know you guys and you don't really know me and I hope that somewhere, my awkward stories and bad writing can help somebody. If no, then at least I got my thoughts recorded and can kinda put them behind me.

Yesterday, while waiting after my IT job for my brother to get out of class, I found a book in the library. It talked about nurses and doctors coping with the death of their pt's. All of the nurses and doctors in the book worked in pediatrics, typically in oncology, PICU, or NICU. They all explained what happened during the first death that they experienced, how they coped, and what they do differently now. Most of them talked about having to be close friends with other doctors and nurses on their unit because nobody in other units or in the outside world understand what it is like to help a child through their death or to perform post mortem care on an infant. They can't even vent or explain their day to anyone who is not a healthcare provider because nobody gets it. So, should I learn to explicitly lean on G-d and learn to talk everything out with Him to prevent putting anyone around me through the confusion and pain that goes on with nursing? I plan on having friends, I always make friends at work, but will they get sick of me crying every time a baby dies? Will they get tired of me having to ask for help?

I already fear that I'm a burden to those around me. I feel like I'm the charity case because many of my friends are really pretty, super smart, and have loads of friends, so they don't really need me. I don't even complain to them about stuff because I don't want to dump anything else on them! I try to not ask for help or favors very much. I strive to pull my own weight, or to even give as much as I can and carry some of their burden. So I end up wanting to have the company of people, but when I get around them I get nervous and stressed. Ultimately, I end up shutting down, not talking, and leaving after only a short time. But the whole time, I still want human interaction. I don't understand this and I have been trying to fight through it, but I haven't found anything that works in the past few years that it's been occurring.

I don't feel like I belong. I don't belong at any church (past or present), at home, in my apartment,  at school, at my job, anywhere. I have never felt like I belong. I can have friends but we hardly get super close. Even when we do, they leave after a few years and we never talk again. I go home to my parent's house and it doesn't seem like I belong because my stuff isn't there. Then again, I come home to my apartment and it just feels like my things are intruding on someone else's turf because this is just temporary. For several years nursing felt like my niche, but the longer I'm in the nursing program, the more I feel like an outsider that won't make it through this boot camp. My first long term church was one I attended for 10 years with my family. Through that whole time, I didn't feel I belonged. It was a small church and everyone knew everyone, but I never connected with many people. My pastor's wife let me work in the nursery and the kids clung to me. Outside of that, I never really had anyone to be with. The next church was larger and I had tons of people who made it a point to come say hi because I watched their kids or we helped to start the church together, but still, no real connections (except for the lady I still babysit for and the other lady that goes to my mom for haircuts.) My Messianic congregation has a line out the door of people wanting to talk to me, but I can't figure out why. My current church has only been "mine" for about a month so still no one there... yet(?).

My love language is quality time. Maybe I'm setting my standards too high for friendship. Perhaps I should be looking for more superficial friendships as opposed to ones that seem grounded and deep. Maybe I just don't let people get close or maybe they don't want to get close. I don't know.

The end.

Never thought this day would come...

No I'm not talking about getting married, having kids, or any number of "normal" things that would fit under this category. I'm talking about getting to be a mentor.

Today, I was called up by a dear family friend. We helped develop a church together, and my mom has been her hairstylist for probably over a decade. Anyway, she called today, asking me to give her daughter advice. I am so honored that she would think of me to speak into her child's life. I have had people speak into my life before and it can be powerful, either good or bad. To be asked to advise somebody's baby (okay, she's 14, but everybody is somebody's baby) is a huge responsibility. Plus, she knows just about everybody in the world because she is so kind, she could have asked anyone. Instead, she called me even though my family left the church we attended together close to 4 years ago.

This whole thing has got me thinking about what I should say to her daughter, and what I should be speaking over my friends, family, and the children I babysit. Of course, it isn't the same for everybody, but it reminds me of the song, "The Words I Would Say," by Sidewalk Prophets. It's chorus goes:

Be strong in the Lord and
never give up hope.
You're gonna do great things
I already know
God's got his hand on you so
don't live life in fear
forgive and forget
but don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say


These words are so true! Folks, we need to be encouraging and lifting up our brothers and sisters in the Messiah. Speak life over each other instead of gossiping behind their back. Pray over each other so that we may be strengthened. Let's face it, life is tough. Since life is tough, we need to build each other up in all ways and cease the process of tearing others down, whether they are believers or not. Only then can we all stand strong and really reach the poor and hurting.


My challenge for you all: pray about someone in your life who may be struggling. If the L-rd lays someone on your heart, even if they normally seem happy or strong face-to-face, talk to them. Ask them if you can pray with them for anything. Encourage opening up the conversation and share your heart. Let them know of some of your struggles so that they will be comfortable opening up to you about theirs.

The lady that called me did that for me when my family lost our house. It was really rough on me. Not only had we lost our house, but we left the church we had been at for 10+ years, we were helping start a new church, and nothing was going right. One day, as we were working at the new church, she asked me how I was. I said I was doing fine. She looked into my eyes and asked me, "How are you really?" Just thinking about it makes me start to tear up and I don't cry a whole lot. Knowing that she new my struggles and knowing that she didn't want the down-pat "church" answer touched me. She could see past my business face and the strength that I hide behind to know that I was crumbling. To this day I don't think she knows how much that moment has meant to me. During that short conversation, I felt like I belonged. I have never, ever felt that way. Here I go with the waterworks... Still to this day I don't feel like I belong anywhere, but I can remember what it felt like to have a true sister in the L-rd be able to see past my facade into my world of hurt and actually care. I know people care, but they usually just take the, "I'm fine," response and go on with their business. She didn't. G-d helped to pull me through one of my bad days of depression through her and her sincerity. So, we need to do that for each other.


Stand with me and start asking people how they are doing. Don't just ask them just to receive the normal, easy response. Look at them and ask again, "How are you really doing?" It's hard to keep it from sounding like you're being sarcastic, but practice and pray about it.

Personal News

Just a warning: This post will likely sound ridiculous to all that read it, including myself, because I continue to waffle about everything in life. This is a post venting my frustration and stupid desires that seem to be surfacing currently in my life. Do not read any farther if you cannot tolerate random girl thought processes.





I have been having a tough time with boys lately. I finally see them as cute/attractive/etc and now I am stuck in a completely female school (well, we have 1 guy in the program, but he's married and not my type.) Whoa, guys, I have a "type," that's new. The waffeling comes in because I want a boyfriend, but I know that it would not be a sound decision to get one right now because I have to focus on school and I'm not ready to get married. Plus, in order to get a boyfriend, you have to have a guy interested in you... Currently, I have no potential suitors interested in me so it's not even a possibility anyway. This bugs me though because I want something that I don't understand. I know I have had this rant a million times in the few months I have had this blog, but I still don't understand the "why" behind marriage. Since I don't why marriage is even a thing, there seems to be no purpose behind dating because you date to get married. If there is no point to marriage then there is no point in dating. Okay, basics are covered. I mainly go over these points because I just need to talk the whole thing out from the very beginning and the basics. My sudden desire to be dating may be caused by the fact that I've started listening to country music even though I know I shouldn't. I do because my brother plays it in his car and we carpool, but I ignore the impulse to change it because I like it. It's like when you know you shouldn't do something, but you figure it's okay if someone else is doing it and you're just present. Actually, that's exactly what this is. I have also started going to church.

The back story behind my want of a boyfriend and how it is associated with church takes us back a few years ago. My mom was talking to my brother and I about crushes/dating/marriage/etc. She predicted that I would likely meet my husband at church (or congregation) because G-d is so important to me. She predicted where she thought my brother would meet his wife, but I forget. Anywho, I quickly dismissed the idea, even though I had a crush on the pastor's son at the time, and we changed the subject. Years later, that thought suddenly pops into my head again when a boy from congregation started being sweet to me. Now, I can't go to a church without hoping that maybe, someday, I will get a boyfriend/husband from church. Ugh! This is so annoying to not be able to focus at church because I have a thought planted in my head.

What is the point of marriage? From the few verses that I have kinda remembered about marriage, it was created to prevent us from sinning. It brings about children, partnership, stability, strength, community, loyalty, trust, and glory for G-d.  But what is the purpose? What was it really created for? What is the point?

Marriage is not something that comes with us into life after death. It was meant for earth and that is it. We came into this world naked and alone. We will leave this earth naked and alone. Even when a spouse is found, that bond is not permanent. In fact, legally, marriage is kinda easy to dissolve or break. Marriage of the heart that occurs from the vulnerabilities it takes to be married in the first place is a totally different story. I don't think anyone ever fully gets over true marriage of the heart once the legality of marriage is no more. Knowing me, I have to explain that with hormones associated with bonding, sex, etc. Other people might argue that it's just getting used to having someone there for you and then they leave. I think it's both but I always lean highly towards the physical things that are more able to be proven with tests and "factual" explanations instead of feelings and such.

Marriage to bring about children makes sense to a point. G-d says that sex outside of marriage is not so good. Again, I believe that is because He understood the hormones that He put in all of us and He wants to protect us from unnecessary pain and heartache. However, there is not a switch in people that flips to allow them to have children once they are married. By this I mean that ladies can become pregnant outside of marriage and guys can sire offspring outside of wedlock. So, to have children inside of the covenant of marriage just provides more stability for them and probably a few other perks.

Many people describe marriage as a life-time, permanent friendship. This certainly makes sense and allows for companionship, partnership, strength, community, trust, and loyalty. But, you can have all of these things with friends that you do not exclusively tie yourself to for a long-term stretch of time. You can have a best friend that you meet when you are 4 who stays with you until you last day at the ripe age of 119. Did you need to be married if that friendship was true, strong, and stable? Absolutely not. Why? Simply because you guys worked to make sure that you both stayed by each other's side.

G-d describes His love for His like a bride-groom loves his bride. Glory be to G-d because He forgives us, His people, and is continually trying to show us His love. If we did not have the example of marriage in this life, would we understand His analogy? Probably not. Still, that does not answer the question of the purpose of marriage.





So, what is the point of getting hitched? Why do people tie the knot? What is the purpose of matrimony?




I seemed to get so off topic but maybe if I could understand the meaning behind the desire to have a boyfriend and get married I could prevent the wedding cycle. Maybe I would be able to focus on G-d, school, and life as a single baby adult. Perhaps I would be able to find joy in just being in the here and now instead of wanting some silly thing that may or may not happen. That way, I would not be let down when it isn't as great as I was thinking it should be.

I really need to get out of my head. All I do in there is question the meaning of everything. Have I found answers for my questions of everything? Not really. Unfortunately, not understanding things really bugs me but there is no real way to have answers to the questions I ask.

Nursing School is Finally Starting to Sink in!!!

Today was the first day of Basic Health Assessment lab. Let me tell you, I am finally starting to realize that I am in nursing school. The first two weeks was all talk and it makes it seem like I'm in the wrong career path. Finally having BHA lab for the first time, though, has reassured me that this occupation suits me. We learned all about stuff I had already learned in CNA school and what I had learned at the medical clinic I volunteer at, so it wasn't a whole lot of new info and it wasn't particularly exciting. That is okay by me, though, because it just makes school that much easier right now. Anywho, I am starting to do nursing stuff and we are learning assessment. CNA's don't do assessment which means that I am finally breaking free from being "just an aide."

Now, let's talk about that. I have heard so many people refer to nurses as "just a nurse." Even more people refer to aides as "just an aide." I have even caught myself doing it when I am talking about my own career or when someone asks me if I'm a nurse, I respond: "No, I'm just an aide." Folks, this should not be. My CNA schooling was only a month long course, but in that month I learned so much! I learned (and continue to learn) even more every day. Plus, I deal with the poop, pee, vomit, behaviors, punching, yelling, screaming, biting, scratching, and torture that is the care role of a Nurse Aide. Don't get me wrong, I do love the people I care for, but being a CNA is not even a little bit easy, especially in a nursing home where you are paid significantly less than you would be in a hospital setting. So to be referring to any aide as "just a CNA," is not giving our job and our title justice. How much more truth is there to saying that about an actual RN? Nursing school is BRUTAL!!! Learning how to be a nurse after graduation can be just as bad if not worse. Therefore, please work with me to stop ourselves from referring to ourselves or any other nurses as "just a nurse." We don't say, "he's just an engineer" or "they're just a dentist" or "she's just a lawyer," so why should we say "they're just a nurse?" (I was not trying to attach a specific gender to any particular occupation, I apologize if I sounded like ladies cannot be engineers or guys cannot be lawyers, that was not my intention.)

Off to do my homework: completing an assessment at home... My poor brother gets to be assessed every week, but he's a good guinea pig.

Daily Thanksgiving: My BHA and Foundations of Nursing teachers (same lady) is so adorable, funny, and kind. Also, I was able to make it into her BHA lab instead of having a different instructor for lab! She is allowing us to take open book tests online too!!! Ya, that took away a ton of stress (I dislike tests, I'm not so good at them.) Today is over and tomorrow I have 2 simple classes. The third week of school is blowing by! If only the bad stuff could always go by this quickly but the fun stuff could slow down so I can savor it... G-d has showed me 2 churches to go to and I am going to start the 2nd church this week. It is a college group and so I hope it is talking about deeper stuff that is more relevant to us instead of the typical, simpler Sunday morning messages I keep getting (I go Saturday nights but it's the same message.)

Studying Abroad?

I recently received an email from my university offering a get-together for those students who want to study abroad. I never thought of myself as someone who wanted to go see the world because I am much too scared of people/travel/kidnappers/murderers/life, but lately I have been wanting to move to Switzerland, New Zealand, Australia, Ireland, Iceland, or some other country once I graduate nursing school, of course. Being a midwife in another country appeals to me because there are so many places that are pro-midwife and don't require stupid immunizations. Now, I know there is a big push for immunizations because they stop disease and prevent unnecessary death and everything, but I don't agree with it being mandatory for everyone. I really don't agree with the preservatives, ingredients, and the excessive amounts of vaccines they are shoving down our throats. I want to go somewhere where the citizens are wanting to live healthier lives, they are encouraged to take health into their own hands using homeopathic remedies instead of chemicals for every sniffle and spot they find whether it is harmful or not. I want to deliver babies in a fashion that resembles the beauty of the old-school method that doesn't require a C-Section or doctors bullying their patients into drugs and surgeries for normal labor and delivery. I need an island by myself because this dream I have is likely unrealistic and I don't know what I'm thinking...

Anyway, I would really love to study in Ireland, New Zealand, Switzerland, or Israel for a summer. Unfortunately, they have no nursing studies, but I could try to go under pre-health and get an internship somewhere. Also, there are no available studies in Israel that I could find! They weren't even on the list, but Hebrew and Jewish studies were on the list. Maybe I will just have to go there on a missions trip instead. The bigger problem with this whole idea) bigger than my fear of everything) is the lack of funding. Not only do I have to find enough money to go on the trip and pay for all related expenses to that, I would need to save up enough money for double my trip time for bills back at home and missed work days. That, my friends, is something they don't tell you you have to save for with these things. So, it possible doubles my fundraising needs just to go somewhere else to attend school for a month. Good news is that it would be about 7-9 credits for 4-6 weeks of school. Is that worth it though? I can take 2 of the week-long interim classes and receive 6 credits for cheaper expenses and less risk of getting kidnapped in a strange country... However, I don't get to see the world. Do I really even want to see the world? My whole thing with traveling is this: Why spend thousands of dollars to go somewhere in the world to look at a tower, temple, museum, etc. when there are pictures and virtual tours? If I go on vacation or travel, I want to go somewhere with a beach; really tasty, kosher, lactose-free food; and super nice people that, at the very least, understand/speak basic English or will teach me their language. I need the traveling to/from that location to be safe and I actually need a really strong, tall, protective husband before I am even comfortable going anywhere else in the world. I saw Taken, and let's be real, I won't survive if I get kidnapped, I'm not strong enough.

School is overwhelming. Pharmacology is kicking my bum and I'm only on the second week of it. However, I believe that G-d will get me through so that I never have to take it again, so long as I work hard and trust Him to fill in all my gaps.

Daily Thanksgiving: work went really well today and I got to answer a lot of questions. It was a slight confidence boost for my IT job. I get to go to church tomorrow night at a college group which I am super excited about. G-d may allow me to study abroad, which would be really fun and exciting and totally out of my norm.

Labor Day Weekend

Did you do anything fun for the extended weekend? Our university gave us Monday and Tuesday off so we (my brother and I) went home to see our parents. They surprised us with futons! Normally we had been crashing on the couch because we took our beds with us to furnish our apartment. However, they wanted us to be comfortable so they saved up and bought us futons, blankets, pillows, sheets, and everything so that we would be more comfortable. It was so sweet but I feel bad that they keep buying us so much stuff. My parents are always sending us money in the mail, buying us things for the apartment, coming down to buy our groceries, giving us gas money, etc. I know that they care for us and they just want us to not have to stress but I know that they don't really have the money to be able to do that all the time either. Still, they give us what they can even though they raised us not expecting help so we are fine without it. Maybe someday I will understand why they do it. They say that they feel bad that they can't pay for all of our college and bills but I don't think that they should have to. This is what being an adult is about. We have to learn to stand on our two feet, fight for what we believe in, and learn to live within our means so that we can invest in our education/future.



Another one of my friends got married...



Work wasn't so bad but I desperately need a new job. Something that allows me to think like a nurse. Maybe something that doesn't require me to only wipe butts...



I went to church again. That makes 2 weeks in a row!



I have to go study. TTFN (tata for now; Yes, that is from Tigger).