As mentioned, my counselor lead me through a session of Healing Prayer. At first, it was really difficult. I felt my mind go blank and I couldn't go anywhere.
Eventually, though, G-d brought me to my NICU in Small Town. The NICU where I find such comfort, such joy, such realization of my dream to care for babies coming true. I absolutely loved this NICU when I was there and I miss it so much!
Anyway, I was there, standing at the entrance to one of the NICU bays. I didn't go in, there was no baby there, but I was comfortable.
Then He then brought me to a dark place. There were no walls, it wasn't pitch black, and I was not scared. I was just there sitting with my eyes closed, still not scared. When my vision came back a little, I could see myself sitting there, in Yeshua's lap as a little child, and he was simply rocking me. My eyes were closed, I was comfortable. His eyes were closed, and His face was so serene and peaceful.
I remembered my time spent in the nursery at church, with the little 1-2 years olds, and little 3 year olds that experienced so much separation anxiety. I remember helping to start with a church startup. I worked the childcare, of course, as my whole life had prepared me for. I worked with the nursery of children up to 1 year old, and then the next class of children going up to about 3 years old. With each week, I learned the children's personalities, and how to help them the best. I remember this one little boy who rarely stayed in the class, because he would cry so hard that we would have to call his mom back most weeks within 10-15 minutes of him being dropped off. Week after week, I tried my best to pull out all of my tricks to comfort him, and then some. I wrote little sheets to help other volunteers know what tricks worked best with each child. Thinking back, I was writing up careplans at the age of 16, before I ever knew what a careplan was. Now it just seems to make sense to me, having been through nursing school and working as a nurse for the last couple of years.
This particular little boy finally settled down one day, in my arms. I sat with him, on my lap, with my hand bringing his head to my chest. I "shhhhhhh" over and over, while my hand supported the area around his sweet little ear. Eventually, he calmed down. I released my grip and he brought my hand back to the side of his face, to resume the comforting pressure.
When I saw myself sitting in Yeshua's lap, He was supporting my little face against His chest in this fashion. Finally, after being the comforter for so many babies, children, friends, and others, I was finally being comforted by The Comforter. I was supported, protected, cherished, and a source of joy for the One who loves me, made me, and has walked with me my whole life.
Shortly after, I saw myself with Him in an open field. I was a child, in a white dress, dancing and enjoying my time in a field of little white flowers. I spent time dancing around with Him and other time laying in the soft grass enjoying the warmth and peace of His presence. Everything was bright and beautiful and clean. I was white and pure and innocent. I was loved and secure in my knowledge that I am loved. I was joyful and able to enjoy time being carefree without a care in the world.
I thanked Him for my time with Him, for Him showing up to be with me, and for what He's shown me. I thanked Him for all of the healing He brought about in such a short period of time and for the joy He's reinstated in my life so quickly.
I still tear up at the memories of the White Robe and what He did for me in the Healing Prayer session. I had never experienced visions before, and I truly believe that is what I experienced in these moments.
Showing posts with label answered prayers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label answered prayers. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 28, 2018
My Vision of a White Robe
In thinking about what I've written lately, I realized that I mentioned my vision of the White Robe but I never told you guys the story!!! Well, this simply cannot be!
As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, I've been attending a Bible study. In this Bible study, we were going through Beth Moore's new study The Quest.
Y'all, this study is INTENSE! From the first week, I felt like I was physically wrestling with G-d. I sobbed for the first several weeks, struggled with much of the study, and yet continued on in the pages. At the Bible study class, I would cry during the videos, in a room full of about a hundred other women (and I don't like to cry in front of others). And then in small group, the weeping continued.
I was having such a difficult time! Many of the women were going through the study with no problems. They interpreted the questions far differently than I did. While the women were wearing smiles and having an "aaaaaaaaaahhh!" *angels singing* experience, I was roundabout ready to burn the book and take up my torch and pitchfork. I couldn't figure out why some people read these black and white questions so differently than I did. While some were asking "where were you G-d?" in a nice, calm, voice. I was demanding "WHERE WERE YOU G-D???!!!???"
In the second or third week, we were going through prayer requests, and I requested that the group pray for my healing. Honestly, I didn't know what I wanted healing from. I felt this voice tell me to ask the women in my group to pray for healing. Well, with nothing to lose, and the encouragement of my counselor to find community and consider vulnerability, I asked them to pray for healing for me. They didn't pry much about healing from what, sensing that I didn't want to share, but they prayed for me. I don't know if they continued on through the next couple of weeks, and they didn't ask if healing had occurred when I showed up to bible study two weeks later. Nobody bridged the subject until I brought it up weeks and weeks later.
A couple of days later I was at church worshipping. I sat on the opposite side of the sanctuary than I normally sit. I had my eyes closed and wasn't singing because I didn't know the song. However, I recall it had something to do with forgiveness and being clothed in white. Since I wasn't singing, I took to pouring out my heart to G-d, interjecting the song into my prayers. Suddenly, I was prostrated... rather, in the fetal position, dressed in dark gray/black rags, and in the dark. Yeshua (Jesus) walked over to me and helped me up. then, in His hands, he held a pure white robe. He handed this to me and suddenly I was dressed in white. I was no longer dragged down by the shame, pain, and heaviness that has burdened my being for years. I was lighter. I was clean. I was forgiven.
I am forgiven.
Days later, I was working on my Bible study again, and it discussed one of the most important verses/scenes in the Bible to me since becoming Messianic. This portion of the Bible is where G-d comes to Peter in a vision in Acts 10, starting at verse 9. Peter was traveling (somewhere, I don't know where) and he was hungry. I imagine him being faint and probably either hangry, or so hungry that he's way past being hangry. Anyway, G-d shows him this vision of a blanket filled with tons of unkosher, unclean animals. Along with that, G-d tells Peter to "get up, kill, and eat". Peter almost loses it! He says "absolutely not!" (paraphrased). G-d tells Peter not to call anything unclean that which He has made clean (paraphrased from Acts 10:15 NIV). This conversation happens 3 times before the vision ends.
When learning Messianic traditions and views, this verse is used often. Some people use it to say that Gentiles and non-Jews are to be accepted and welcomed freely into the Jewish/Messianic faith. Others take it a little more literally and take it to mean that it's okay to eat bacon, lobster, and whatever other "un-kosher" foods they wish to eat. Others reference it when debating the need to circumcise males or not. For me, when G-d brought this verse back to my attention, it was a very real proclamation that I am clean, forgiven, accepted, and loved by the only One that can see my whole past and my whole heart and still proclaim true judgement over my life.
He calls me clean.
After the vision of my White Robe, I cried. I sobbed in the middle of worship. Those sitting next to me might have looked my way, but I didn't notice. They did give me weird glances when we all had to get to the weird meet-and-greet part of service that seems to be so common in churches between worship and the sermon. But I didn't even care because the junk that has plagued my life for most of my life has been forgiven and taken upon the L-rd. He took my burdens and replaced my heavy yolk with His own light one.
I've come to understand suffering. I know there is much more suffering in the world, much worse than mine. However, I understand feeling dirty, unacceptable, and unloveable. From struggles and troubles I've had my whole life, to the shame and guilt I experienced after all of my sexual abuse and best friend's incidence with me. In mere moments, a simple vision with Yeshua, He took it all away. I struggle with memories now, but it is nothing like living in the thick of suffering that I have been living in for so long. I literally feel lighter and not so run-down.
A week or two later, my counselor and I did a session of Healing Prayer. That too was intense. But that is a story for another post.
Much love,
BA
As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, I've been attending a Bible study. In this Bible study, we were going through Beth Moore's new study The Quest.
Y'all, this study is INTENSE! From the first week, I felt like I was physically wrestling with G-d. I sobbed for the first several weeks, struggled with much of the study, and yet continued on in the pages. At the Bible study class, I would cry during the videos, in a room full of about a hundred other women (and I don't like to cry in front of others). And then in small group, the weeping continued.
I was having such a difficult time! Many of the women were going through the study with no problems. They interpreted the questions far differently than I did. While the women were wearing smiles and having an "aaaaaaaaaahhh!" *angels singing* experience, I was roundabout ready to burn the book and take up my torch and pitchfork. I couldn't figure out why some people read these black and white questions so differently than I did. While some were asking "where were you G-d?" in a nice, calm, voice. I was demanding "WHERE WERE YOU G-D???!!!???"
In the second or third week, we were going through prayer requests, and I requested that the group pray for my healing. Honestly, I didn't know what I wanted healing from. I felt this voice tell me to ask the women in my group to pray for healing. Well, with nothing to lose, and the encouragement of my counselor to find community and consider vulnerability, I asked them to pray for healing for me. They didn't pry much about healing from what, sensing that I didn't want to share, but they prayed for me. I don't know if they continued on through the next couple of weeks, and they didn't ask if healing had occurred when I showed up to bible study two weeks later. Nobody bridged the subject until I brought it up weeks and weeks later.
A couple of days later I was at church worshipping. I sat on the opposite side of the sanctuary than I normally sit. I had my eyes closed and wasn't singing because I didn't know the song. However, I recall it had something to do with forgiveness and being clothed in white. Since I wasn't singing, I took to pouring out my heart to G-d, interjecting the song into my prayers. Suddenly, I was prostrated... rather, in the fetal position, dressed in dark gray/black rags, and in the dark. Yeshua (Jesus) walked over to me and helped me up. then, in His hands, he held a pure white robe. He handed this to me and suddenly I was dressed in white. I was no longer dragged down by the shame, pain, and heaviness that has burdened my being for years. I was lighter. I was clean. I was forgiven.
I am forgiven.
Days later, I was working on my Bible study again, and it discussed one of the most important verses/scenes in the Bible to me since becoming Messianic. This portion of the Bible is where G-d comes to Peter in a vision in Acts 10, starting at verse 9. Peter was traveling (somewhere, I don't know where) and he was hungry. I imagine him being faint and probably either hangry, or so hungry that he's way past being hangry. Anyway, G-d shows him this vision of a blanket filled with tons of unkosher, unclean animals. Along with that, G-d tells Peter to "get up, kill, and eat". Peter almost loses it! He says "absolutely not!" (paraphrased). G-d tells Peter not to call anything unclean that which He has made clean (paraphrased from Acts 10:15 NIV). This conversation happens 3 times before the vision ends.
When learning Messianic traditions and views, this verse is used often. Some people use it to say that Gentiles and non-Jews are to be accepted and welcomed freely into the Jewish/Messianic faith. Others take it a little more literally and take it to mean that it's okay to eat bacon, lobster, and whatever other "un-kosher" foods they wish to eat. Others reference it when debating the need to circumcise males or not. For me, when G-d brought this verse back to my attention, it was a very real proclamation that I am clean, forgiven, accepted, and loved by the only One that can see my whole past and my whole heart and still proclaim true judgement over my life.
He calls me clean.
After the vision of my White Robe, I cried. I sobbed in the middle of worship. Those sitting next to me might have looked my way, but I didn't notice. They did give me weird glances when we all had to get to the weird meet-and-greet part of service that seems to be so common in churches between worship and the sermon. But I didn't even care because the junk that has plagued my life for most of my life has been forgiven and taken upon the L-rd. He took my burdens and replaced my heavy yolk with His own light one.
I've come to understand suffering. I know there is much more suffering in the world, much worse than mine. However, I understand feeling dirty, unacceptable, and unloveable. From struggles and troubles I've had my whole life, to the shame and guilt I experienced after all of my sexual abuse and best friend's incidence with me. In mere moments, a simple vision with Yeshua, He took it all away. I struggle with memories now, but it is nothing like living in the thick of suffering that I have been living in for so long. I literally feel lighter and not so run-down.
A week or two later, my counselor and I did a session of Healing Prayer. That too was intense. But that is a story for another post.
Much love,
BA
Friday, March 16, 2018
Sharing My Story
This is not the post where I will share my story. However, I am recounting to you, how I did share it... yesterday.
Every Thursday, I go to bible study at a local church. This is not the church I regularly attend, but it is one I have tried a couple times through college, and so I am not afraid to go, I'm just not a regular. A few months ago, I decided I wanted to start going to a bible study, and I searched many churches in town. This particular church was going to be starting a fresh "semester" in a few weeks and I knew that many of the ladies I work with went there. So, I started asking around and one lady from work told me she had been thinking about going to this study. We agreed to start together and it's been wonderful! She and I are not in the same small group within the bible study, and that is okay. It's nice just knowing that she is there and to be able to see her every once in a while.
Last week, during bible study, I felt that G-d was speaking to me that I would be sharing my story this week. Yes, I scoffed at Him a little bit, but I also told Him that if He would lead me and give me the words, I would go. If you have read a few posts ago, I felt as though G-d has been telling me to get ready to begin sharing it. I, of course, met Him with questions and slight trepidation that He won't just tell me when, where, how, who, or what. Alas, that is not how He often operates with me.
This week, I was sitting through the video and, again, clear as day I heard Him tell me I was going to share "today" (that was yesterday). The video ended, we broke into our small groups, and we shared prayer requests and prayed, as usual. When we got to talking about this week's study, one lady (who I have so appreciated because she shared her story with us) began to talk about this week's study and what it has meant to her. Then He told me to share. It was related to what she was talking about, so I branched off of that. I began talking, my lip started to quiver, tears filled my eyes, but I kept talking. As I continued, I began to cry, which I have a very difficult time doing in front of others, but I continued on. When I finished (I only talked for less than 5 minutes), I was all but sobbing and the leader of the group and the lady that I have come to so appreciate for her story, they both came up and hugged me. Of course, this lead to more crying, the kind where you can't breathe anymore.
When I came to and got better use of my vision, I noticed many of the women were crying right along with me. They were hurting for the pain I've been experiencing for so long. They were hurting for a young lady, with so much life before her, having been hurt at a fairly young age. They encouraged me, thanked me for sharing, and praised the L-rd that when they came together and asked for healing for me several week prior, that He answered the prayers so immediately and I was now able to share with them the results. I was able to share with them my vision of the White Robe and the verse when G-d told Peter to kill and eat. Peter resisted, because these animals were un-kosher and "unclean". 3 times G-d told him to eat, and 3 times Peter resisted. Then, G-d told Peter to "not call unclean, that which I have called clean." This scene also came to my mind, with the White Robe vision, and I finally accepted that I have been made clean. That I have been forgiven. That I am untarnished, not wasted, and more precious than anyone could ever understand, to the One who made me and continues to carry me.
After telling my story (in very little detail, mostly just that I have been abused and have C-PTSD), these women I have come to care for so deeply (at an arms length, of course) did not shun me, forsake me, nor break my heart with faces that showed their broken hearts. Instead, I saw in them a sense of understanding in my bible study responses and prayer requests, as well as an appreciation for how far I have come in such a short time. They watched me go from reserved, to angry, to struggling internally, to excited at sudden healing, to now. Now, I am in a place of battle, but much less wearisome. I am in a place where I am hearing G-d speak so clearly to me, that I need to share and help other girls, ladies, women, people, through the turbulence of surviving sexual assault and abuse. I don't know how, who, where, when, or what, but I know that I have been called clearly.
This is the first time, since I was in middle school and committed myself to G-d, that I have been able to hear Him this clearly. I don't want this to stop. I feel like I have had ear plugs in for year and I could hear Him faintly, but now I've taken them out and can hear Him so much better. Praise the L-rd.
'Til next time, friends.
Every Thursday, I go to bible study at a local church. This is not the church I regularly attend, but it is one I have tried a couple times through college, and so I am not afraid to go, I'm just not a regular. A few months ago, I decided I wanted to start going to a bible study, and I searched many churches in town. This particular church was going to be starting a fresh "semester" in a few weeks and I knew that many of the ladies I work with went there. So, I started asking around and one lady from work told me she had been thinking about going to this study. We agreed to start together and it's been wonderful! She and I are not in the same small group within the bible study, and that is okay. It's nice just knowing that she is there and to be able to see her every once in a while.
Last week, during bible study, I felt that G-d was speaking to me that I would be sharing my story this week. Yes, I scoffed at Him a little bit, but I also told Him that if He would lead me and give me the words, I would go. If you have read a few posts ago, I felt as though G-d has been telling me to get ready to begin sharing it. I, of course, met Him with questions and slight trepidation that He won't just tell me when, where, how, who, or what. Alas, that is not how He often operates with me.
This week, I was sitting through the video and, again, clear as day I heard Him tell me I was going to share "today" (that was yesterday). The video ended, we broke into our small groups, and we shared prayer requests and prayed, as usual. When we got to talking about this week's study, one lady (who I have so appreciated because she shared her story with us) began to talk about this week's study and what it has meant to her. Then He told me to share. It was related to what she was talking about, so I branched off of that. I began talking, my lip started to quiver, tears filled my eyes, but I kept talking. As I continued, I began to cry, which I have a very difficult time doing in front of others, but I continued on. When I finished (I only talked for less than 5 minutes), I was all but sobbing and the leader of the group and the lady that I have come to so appreciate for her story, they both came up and hugged me. Of course, this lead to more crying, the kind where you can't breathe anymore.
When I came to and got better use of my vision, I noticed many of the women were crying right along with me. They were hurting for the pain I've been experiencing for so long. They were hurting for a young lady, with so much life before her, having been hurt at a fairly young age. They encouraged me, thanked me for sharing, and praised the L-rd that when they came together and asked for healing for me several week prior, that He answered the prayers so immediately and I was now able to share with them the results. I was able to share with them my vision of the White Robe and the verse when G-d told Peter to kill and eat. Peter resisted, because these animals were un-kosher and "unclean". 3 times G-d told him to eat, and 3 times Peter resisted. Then, G-d told Peter to "not call unclean, that which I have called clean." This scene also came to my mind, with the White Robe vision, and I finally accepted that I have been made clean. That I have been forgiven. That I am untarnished, not wasted, and more precious than anyone could ever understand, to the One who made me and continues to carry me.
After telling my story (in very little detail, mostly just that I have been abused and have C-PTSD), these women I have come to care for so deeply (at an arms length, of course) did not shun me, forsake me, nor break my heart with faces that showed their broken hearts. Instead, I saw in them a sense of understanding in my bible study responses and prayer requests, as well as an appreciation for how far I have come in such a short time. They watched me go from reserved, to angry, to struggling internally, to excited at sudden healing, to now. Now, I am in a place of battle, but much less wearisome. I am in a place where I am hearing G-d speak so clearly to me, that I need to share and help other girls, ladies, women, people, through the turbulence of surviving sexual assault and abuse. I don't know how, who, where, when, or what, but I know that I have been called clearly.
This is the first time, since I was in middle school and committed myself to G-d, that I have been able to hear Him this clearly. I don't want this to stop. I feel like I have had ear plugs in for year and I could hear Him faintly, but now I've taken them out and can hear Him so much better. Praise the L-rd.
'Til next time, friends.
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Moving On
Y'all, I woke up at about 0600 this morning with the thought that I only have 3 days living in Home State before I move...
All of a sudden, I couldn't sleep anymore.
Folks, it is summer and I just graduated from college. I should be sleeping in! Regardless, having blinds in my mom's RV (where I'm presently living with her) that do not keep sun out definitely contribute to the natural decline in melatonin once sunlight begins invading the bedroom. Thanks science! Haha, just kidding.
The past couple of weeks, I've been trying to get my NCLEX testing scheduled down there, got a house, working on getting my paperwork for my new NICU job completed and to who it goes to, and tying up various loose ends.
Well, the government takes awhile after they get the info via snail mail from my school. It doesn't help that I'm going to another state. I'm strapped for cash because I haven't worked since Christmas. I've been ridiculously antsy the past few weeks with nothing scheduled to do. I need to start working!
Oh L-rd, let the paperwork get done way faster than it normally would! Help me to get in and start working so that I can get a paycheck! L-rd, please provide for me so that I can pay m bills and get my responsibilities taken care of!!!
My mom recently reminded me that everything He does or doesn't do is an opportunity to build faith. He gives us desires in our heart, then fulfills them to show us that it was Him working the whole time.
Sometimes, He lets us look at houses for 3 days straight, in order to show us how bad it could be, before He finally provides a wonderful house with an amazing landlord team at the very last minute!
Sometimes, He allows us to be at the end of our funds and the end of our rope to show that He provides everything and that He allowed us to have enough funds to make it to our present situation. Granted, that can sometimes be misconstrued, but G-d gave me enough funds through school to be able to live comfortably and not have to work the final semester while I was going through counseling and getting finished with school! I am so very grateful for that because I don't think I could have finished school while working and dealing with the things counseling brought up.
G-d provided me with the perfect counselor for me, that was great with working with me where I was as I continued to heal. I was blessed with someone who did not make me rehash the same memories over and over, but allowed me to talk about them as I needed, while focusing on coping skills and rational thinking.
I was blessed with friendships that grew and faded over time, as was needed for me at any specific point in time.
The L-rd is orchestrating and leading my life. I get into trouble when I start trying to get Him to go my way, but He hasn't given up on me yet.
So, I move on Friday/Saturday. Dad borrowed a stock trailer and truck from my uncle and he and my mom will help me pack it up, drive there (across 2-3 states), then unload and get settled. Things that used to stress me or that would have stressed me before are no longer a huge deal. I was blessed by many family friends with gifts of $100 each, and one lady prayerfully decided to gift me with $500. When I opened the card and saw the check, I thought it was too much! Looking at my money situation right now... it looks like it is going to be just the right amount. And it left me floored.
If you so feel compelled, pray with me for blessings in my new adventures...
L-rd, I need protection, favor, speedy government paper processing, and I could really use some funds! Thank you L-rd for your incredible blessings and for allowing me to be able to start seeing the many "little" miracles that show me you are still very real and very present in my life. I am constantly amazed at the ways you work on a daily basis and show me that you are still trying to lead and help me. Baruch HaShem
All of a sudden, I couldn't sleep anymore.
Folks, it is summer and I just graduated from college. I should be sleeping in! Regardless, having blinds in my mom's RV (where I'm presently living with her) that do not keep sun out definitely contribute to the natural decline in melatonin once sunlight begins invading the bedroom. Thanks science! Haha, just kidding.
The past couple of weeks, I've been trying to get my NCLEX testing scheduled down there, got a house, working on getting my paperwork for my new NICU job completed and to who it goes to, and tying up various loose ends.
Well, the government takes awhile after they get the info via snail mail from my school. It doesn't help that I'm going to another state. I'm strapped for cash because I haven't worked since Christmas. I've been ridiculously antsy the past few weeks with nothing scheduled to do. I need to start working!
Oh L-rd, let the paperwork get done way faster than it normally would! Help me to get in and start working so that I can get a paycheck! L-rd, please provide for me so that I can pay m bills and get my responsibilities taken care of!!!
My mom recently reminded me that everything He does or doesn't do is an opportunity to build faith. He gives us desires in our heart, then fulfills them to show us that it was Him working the whole time.
Sometimes, He lets us look at houses for 3 days straight, in order to show us how bad it could be, before He finally provides a wonderful house with an amazing landlord team at the very last minute!
Sometimes, He allows us to be at the end of our funds and the end of our rope to show that He provides everything and that He allowed us to have enough funds to make it to our present situation. Granted, that can sometimes be misconstrued, but G-d gave me enough funds through school to be able to live comfortably and not have to work the final semester while I was going through counseling and getting finished with school! I am so very grateful for that because I don't think I could have finished school while working and dealing with the things counseling brought up.
G-d provided me with the perfect counselor for me, that was great with working with me where I was as I continued to heal. I was blessed with someone who did not make me rehash the same memories over and over, but allowed me to talk about them as I needed, while focusing on coping skills and rational thinking.
I was blessed with friendships that grew and faded over time, as was needed for me at any specific point in time.
The L-rd is orchestrating and leading my life. I get into trouble when I start trying to get Him to go my way, but He hasn't given up on me yet.
So, I move on Friday/Saturday. Dad borrowed a stock trailer and truck from my uncle and he and my mom will help me pack it up, drive there (across 2-3 states), then unload and get settled. Things that used to stress me or that would have stressed me before are no longer a huge deal. I was blessed by many family friends with gifts of $100 each, and one lady prayerfully decided to gift me with $500. When I opened the card and saw the check, I thought it was too much! Looking at my money situation right now... it looks like it is going to be just the right amount. And it left me floored.
If you so feel compelled, pray with me for blessings in my new adventures...
L-rd, I need protection, favor, speedy government paper processing, and I could really use some funds! Thank you L-rd for your incredible blessings and for allowing me to be able to start seeing the many "little" miracles that show me you are still very real and very present in my life. I am constantly amazed at the ways you work on a daily basis and show me that you are still trying to lead and help me. Baruch HaShem
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Miraculous First Day of OB!!!
Guys, I had such a fantastic day today!!!
So, our first day was supposed to be yesterday, but there was a second snow day. Needless to say, my much needed counseling session was cancelled and rescheduled next Tuesday... It's going to be rough. I wanted a snow day, but only for Monday. I got so sad when counseling and my first day of OB clinical was cancelled! Oh no!!!
Regardless, when we showed up today, there was a super low census. They were sending nurses home left and right. There was only one woman laboring, less than a handful of women in Mom/Baby, and NICU has a short supply of babies. This is in a hospital known for having the busiest Labor Delivery/Mom Baby/NICU and all other woman related portion of the hospital in our half of the state. They fly and transport people to this hospital from several other states because they are a great hospital. So, to have such a low census and also request for students to be paired with nurses was not ideal at all.
As is typically the case, I was the odd man out. The other students were able to be put in their assigned area for the day. The other girl who was supposed to be with me in Mom/Baby ended up being able to make up her NICU day from yesterday. I wanted that to happen because she really wanted to go there and I've already been there the past couple of summers. Praise the L-rd! Anyway, I was the last one and it took about 20 minutes to even find a baby or patient for me to be able to see.
I ended up getting pulled into a circumcision! Yay! I have wanted to see one for a really long time and we had missed the one earlier today and that bummed me out. Naturally, I prayed about it. L-rd, can I please see a circumcision during my time here in OB clinicals. Then I didn't even give it another thought. Little did I know He was going to answer that prayer today! And not even 30-45 minutes after I had requested that in my heart. Praise you L-rd for answering even the smallest of prayers.
With that baby having to stay in the nursery for a couple hours, I got to also practice my newborn assessment and it was way easier than I expected. Granted, the baby had no abnormals and I had a nurse helping me assess and then chart the whole time. Check that off the list of stuff I am supposed to do for clinicals. Yay! Plus, the NNP that performed the circumcision was so sweet and her and the nurse assisting pulled me right in and explained everything they were doing. They were so incredibly sweet.
As I was sitting there charting the assessment, my instructor came in to check on me and saw there was nothing going on and the baby was fixin' to get discharged. "You want to see a placenta?" She asked. "Hell ya I do!" Of course, I didn't say those exact words, I just said "Ya!" but you know what I mean. So, I got to discover the placenta, look at all of the components of it, touch it (through gloves), and talk about some of the complications that can occur with the placenta. Then, after we talked about it and held it, she asked if I wanted to practice IV's. What kind of a question is that? Of course I do! So, I started two IV's on a placenta. No big deal. Just kidding, it's a HUGE deal!
Then we had dinner, since it's the evening clincal group. After dinner, I had nowhere to go. The baby I had watched got discharged. The unit I was supposed to be on had patients leaving and so they were down to 2-3 patients and didn't want a student. So my instructor set me up with a computer and asked me to research some points that I thought were interesting to share with the rest of the group. After brainstorming, I picked nursing interventions for babies withdrawing from alcohol after being born and nursing interventions related to STI's in pregnancy/L&D. I got through finding the info for withdrawal babies when my intructor busts into the room and says, "Hurry up and come with me! I might have found you a procedure to come and watch. It's not much, but it's better than research."
Well okay! Off we go RUNNING down the hall to get me changed into hospital scrubs so I can go into the OR. We get me all decked out in the funky hair net/hat thing, shoe booties, and greens (scrubs) and I am ushered into the OR.
My instructor was yelling from the door, "Hurry up! Take off your clothes! Throw these on! Let's go, let's go! I hear voices!!!" According to my friend in the same clinical group, it sounded hilarious from outside the locker room because my friend had no idea what was going on, she just heard my instructor telling me to hurry up and strip down. Oh goodness, that made for a funny post-conference.
Anyway, I got all dressed up and made it into the OR and stood there for about 15 minutes waiting for the patient and doc to get there. No big deal, I'm good at standing in corners looking awkward.
A lady came up to me randomly and asked, "So are you the nursing student?" I said I was. Then she started quizzing me on what to do in a certain situation and why. I answered, correctly according to her, but she gave further rationale and what interventions she did. Turns out, that was the doctor! I was floored because she was so nice. But wait, it gets so much better!
As they were prepping the patient, the doctor had me come closer to her, then literally pushed me closer to the patient and told me, "the only way you learn is if you get up real close and watch everything". She said it nice, the words are easy to mistake for not being said nice, though. Of course, I know that getting up closer will help me see, but we are taught to stay in the corner and try to see around the people who are actually trying to do their jobs.
Well, the OB got all geared up in sterile gown and gloves then turned to me and told me to go scrub in! WHAT?!? Am I allowed to do this? She must have been reading my mind because she asked the nurse (who was the patient's nurse and the charge for her section of the women's ward) and the nurse said it was totally fine. Off I go, all sorts of excited, and I scrub in really carefully, making sure I don't cause problems for the patient. I go in and they gown me up in sterile gown and gloves and talk me through everything! All of this to allow me to hold a retractor (this one looked like the bottom half of a speculum that was detached and the OR tech was holding the top portion so that I was able to see everything the doctor was doing). She kept stopping and moving to the side so that I could see the problem she was working on, her stitches, how to make sure the problem was fixed and everything! She talked me through it all and she was just absolutely amazing. I also got to watch as they intubated her and the doctor and anesthesiologist made sure I got to look down the patients throat to be able to see her "windpipes" when they were intubating the patient at the beginning. I had even mentioned that I wanted to become a midwife and the doctor asked, "A certified nurse midwife, right? Because you'd get clocked if you want to be a lay-midwife!"
Me: "Ya, a CNM."
Doc: "Okay, good!"
Haha, if I were to be a lay midwife I could have saved a lot of time and money and have been working for a few years already!
When the surgery finished and the patient was getting wheeled back, the doc encouraged me to follow the nurse and ask questions. I did, but mostly I just helped get the patient hooked up in PACU. The nurse seemed to like the help, maybe. I don't know. I get confused because I can't tell if students are a gigantic pain in their ass and just an extra thing to keep track of during the day, or if they actually like us being with them if we are able to help. Whatever. She and the anesthesiologist seemed pretty impressed that I was able to help hook the patient up, but I don't know why because I still don't know what I'm doing but I offered to hook up leads, hook up the BP cuff, take a temp, and talked with the patient as she came down off her anesthesia. Regardless, it was great.
When I walked back to the nurse's station, I ran into two of my classmate. They, and all of the other nurses, were asking me how it was and what happened and everyone was so excited to hear about what I had gotten to do. How did they hear all of this? I don't know!
From there I went straight to post conference, where I was late because of said surgery, and they stopped post-conference and had me tell them all about it because they had heard some of what happened!
How did they know??? Good heavens, it's like they knew about all of it before I even got to the hospital today!
Anyway, I told the story, keeping the scrubbing in part out in case I wasn't supposed to do that. Then my instructor added it in! I asked if I was in trouble and she said "Absolutely not! That is amazing that the doctor let you do that! Plus, doc so-and-so pulled me aside afterwards and she absolutely loves you!" I'm almost certain my jaw dropped and I got so excited and giddy I don't remember much else of post-conference.
I've been on cloud 9 ever since the circumcision and yet G-d keep blessing me more and more!
I absolutely loved that doctor. I loved the nurses and surgical techs I was able to work with. I am so incredibly grateful for this whole amazing adventure I had today. There were a lot of times, thinking back on today, that I could have been grumpy or upset because I had nowhere to go and no plan for me. Well, G-d had a plan. I did not get sad or upset or grumpy all day and He continued to bless me, time and time again. It's almost like it was a mini-testing season with amazing rewards that were given nearly immediately to me.
Today was the best day I've had in nearly a year or longer! The day after I was so bummed, discouraged, and sobbing (for 20-30 minutes last night), G-d blesses me with such an amazing experience as today was. I'm am blown away and so very humble at this moment.
Recap: circumcision, newborn assessment, placenta, IV's in placenta, dinner (unremarkable), research (slight bummer), and then getting pulled to go into a surgery, then... SCRUBBING IN TO SAID SURGERY!!!
So incredible and such a blessing filled day. I'm in awe of the way G-d works in my life. I needed a booster and this was exactly what I needed. It shows I was right for fighting to stay in OB this semester, instead of pushing it off until next semester as was suggested in counseling. This is my passion, within my passion of nursing. This is where I feel I belong. This is where my heart is happy and I make sense in this world. I feel G-d made my heart to want to serve women in this season of their life.
Thank you L-rd for your many miracles and behind-the-scenes workings. Praise you L-rd for giving me joy in the midst of this long season of darkness.
So, our first day was supposed to be yesterday, but there was a second snow day. Needless to say, my much needed counseling session was cancelled and rescheduled next Tuesday... It's going to be rough. I wanted a snow day, but only for Monday. I got so sad when counseling and my first day of OB clinical was cancelled! Oh no!!!
Regardless, when we showed up today, there was a super low census. They were sending nurses home left and right. There was only one woman laboring, less than a handful of women in Mom/Baby, and NICU has a short supply of babies. This is in a hospital known for having the busiest Labor Delivery/Mom Baby/NICU and all other woman related portion of the hospital in our half of the state. They fly and transport people to this hospital from several other states because they are a great hospital. So, to have such a low census and also request for students to be paired with nurses was not ideal at all.
As is typically the case, I was the odd man out. The other students were able to be put in their assigned area for the day. The other girl who was supposed to be with me in Mom/Baby ended up being able to make up her NICU day from yesterday. I wanted that to happen because she really wanted to go there and I've already been there the past couple of summers. Praise the L-rd! Anyway, I was the last one and it took about 20 minutes to even find a baby or patient for me to be able to see.
I ended up getting pulled into a circumcision! Yay! I have wanted to see one for a really long time and we had missed the one earlier today and that bummed me out. Naturally, I prayed about it. L-rd, can I please see a circumcision during my time here in OB clinicals. Then I didn't even give it another thought. Little did I know He was going to answer that prayer today! And not even 30-45 minutes after I had requested that in my heart. Praise you L-rd for answering even the smallest of prayers.
With that baby having to stay in the nursery for a couple hours, I got to also practice my newborn assessment and it was way easier than I expected. Granted, the baby had no abnormals and I had a nurse helping me assess and then chart the whole time. Check that off the list of stuff I am supposed to do for clinicals. Yay! Plus, the NNP that performed the circumcision was so sweet and her and the nurse assisting pulled me right in and explained everything they were doing. They were so incredibly sweet.
As I was sitting there charting the assessment, my instructor came in to check on me and saw there was nothing going on and the baby was fixin' to get discharged. "You want to see a placenta?" She asked. "Hell ya I do!" Of course, I didn't say those exact words, I just said "Ya!" but you know what I mean. So, I got to discover the placenta, look at all of the components of it, touch it (through gloves), and talk about some of the complications that can occur with the placenta. Then, after we talked about it and held it, she asked if I wanted to practice IV's. What kind of a question is that? Of course I do! So, I started two IV's on a placenta. No big deal. Just kidding, it's a HUGE deal!
Then we had dinner, since it's the evening clincal group. After dinner, I had nowhere to go. The baby I had watched got discharged. The unit I was supposed to be on had patients leaving and so they were down to 2-3 patients and didn't want a student. So my instructor set me up with a computer and asked me to research some points that I thought were interesting to share with the rest of the group. After brainstorming, I picked nursing interventions for babies withdrawing from alcohol after being born and nursing interventions related to STI's in pregnancy/L&D. I got through finding the info for withdrawal babies when my intructor busts into the room and says, "Hurry up and come with me! I might have found you a procedure to come and watch. It's not much, but it's better than research."
Well okay! Off we go RUNNING down the hall to get me changed into hospital scrubs so I can go into the OR. We get me all decked out in the funky hair net/hat thing, shoe booties, and greens (scrubs) and I am ushered into the OR.
My instructor was yelling from the door, "Hurry up! Take off your clothes! Throw these on! Let's go, let's go! I hear voices!!!" According to my friend in the same clinical group, it sounded hilarious from outside the locker room because my friend had no idea what was going on, she just heard my instructor telling me to hurry up and strip down. Oh goodness, that made for a funny post-conference.
Anyway, I got all dressed up and made it into the OR and stood there for about 15 minutes waiting for the patient and doc to get there. No big deal, I'm good at standing in corners looking awkward.
A lady came up to me randomly and asked, "So are you the nursing student?" I said I was. Then she started quizzing me on what to do in a certain situation and why. I answered, correctly according to her, but she gave further rationale and what interventions she did. Turns out, that was the doctor! I was floored because she was so nice. But wait, it gets so much better!
As they were prepping the patient, the doctor had me come closer to her, then literally pushed me closer to the patient and told me, "the only way you learn is if you get up real close and watch everything". She said it nice, the words are easy to mistake for not being said nice, though. Of course, I know that getting up closer will help me see, but we are taught to stay in the corner and try to see around the people who are actually trying to do their jobs.
Well, the OB got all geared up in sterile gown and gloves then turned to me and told me to go scrub in! WHAT?!? Am I allowed to do this? She must have been reading my mind because she asked the nurse (who was the patient's nurse and the charge for her section of the women's ward) and the nurse said it was totally fine. Off I go, all sorts of excited, and I scrub in really carefully, making sure I don't cause problems for the patient. I go in and they gown me up in sterile gown and gloves and talk me through everything! All of this to allow me to hold a retractor (this one looked like the bottom half of a speculum that was detached and the OR tech was holding the top portion so that I was able to see everything the doctor was doing). She kept stopping and moving to the side so that I could see the problem she was working on, her stitches, how to make sure the problem was fixed and everything! She talked me through it all and she was just absolutely amazing. I also got to watch as they intubated her and the doctor and anesthesiologist made sure I got to look down the patients throat to be able to see her "windpipes" when they were intubating the patient at the beginning. I had even mentioned that I wanted to become a midwife and the doctor asked, "A certified nurse midwife, right? Because you'd get clocked if you want to be a lay-midwife!"
Me: "Ya, a CNM."
Doc: "Okay, good!"
Haha, if I were to be a lay midwife I could have saved a lot of time and money and have been working for a few years already!
When the surgery finished and the patient was getting wheeled back, the doc encouraged me to follow the nurse and ask questions. I did, but mostly I just helped get the patient hooked up in PACU. The nurse seemed to like the help, maybe. I don't know. I get confused because I can't tell if students are a gigantic pain in their ass and just an extra thing to keep track of during the day, or if they actually like us being with them if we are able to help. Whatever. She and the anesthesiologist seemed pretty impressed that I was able to help hook the patient up, but I don't know why because I still don't know what I'm doing but I offered to hook up leads, hook up the BP cuff, take a temp, and talked with the patient as she came down off her anesthesia. Regardless, it was great.
When I walked back to the nurse's station, I ran into two of my classmate. They, and all of the other nurses, were asking me how it was and what happened and everyone was so excited to hear about what I had gotten to do. How did they hear all of this? I don't know!
From there I went straight to post conference, where I was late because of said surgery, and they stopped post-conference and had me tell them all about it because they had heard some of what happened!
How did they know??? Good heavens, it's like they knew about all of it before I even got to the hospital today!
Anyway, I told the story, keeping the scrubbing in part out in case I wasn't supposed to do that. Then my instructor added it in! I asked if I was in trouble and she said "Absolutely not! That is amazing that the doctor let you do that! Plus, doc so-and-so pulled me aside afterwards and she absolutely loves you!" I'm almost certain my jaw dropped and I got so excited and giddy I don't remember much else of post-conference.
I've been on cloud 9 ever since the circumcision and yet G-d keep blessing me more and more!
I absolutely loved that doctor. I loved the nurses and surgical techs I was able to work with. I am so incredibly grateful for this whole amazing adventure I had today. There were a lot of times, thinking back on today, that I could have been grumpy or upset because I had nowhere to go and no plan for me. Well, G-d had a plan. I did not get sad or upset or grumpy all day and He continued to bless me, time and time again. It's almost like it was a mini-testing season with amazing rewards that were given nearly immediately to me.
Today was the best day I've had in nearly a year or longer! The day after I was so bummed, discouraged, and sobbing (for 20-30 minutes last night), G-d blesses me with such an amazing experience as today was. I'm am blown away and so very humble at this moment.
Recap: circumcision, newborn assessment, placenta, IV's in placenta, dinner (unremarkable), research (slight bummer), and then getting pulled to go into a surgery, then... SCRUBBING IN TO SAID SURGERY!!!
So incredible and such a blessing filled day. I'm in awe of the way G-d works in my life. I needed a booster and this was exactly what I needed. It shows I was right for fighting to stay in OB this semester, instead of pushing it off until next semester as was suggested in counseling. This is my passion, within my passion of nursing. This is where I feel I belong. This is where my heart is happy and I make sense in this world. I feel G-d made my heart to want to serve women in this season of their life.
Thank you L-rd for your many miracles and behind-the-scenes workings. Praise you L-rd for giving me joy in the midst of this long season of darkness.
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Life of Adventure
When praying about fiance at the beginning of our relationship, the L-rd whispered to my heart we would have adventures, he would give me a life of adventure. This prayer occurred shortly after engagement which was a mere couple of months into our relationship.
This whisper was not a lie. We have had so many ups and downs I wonder most days if I am going crazy or not.
He came home early from work a couple weeks ago on the premise that he thought I was having problems and he wanted to help "fix" us and me. I have repeatedly told him that fixing people is G-d's job and I cannot be fixed in a conversation or two. He disagrees but we've been working through my Country Boy and exboyfriend stuff all summer and I feel like I've made very little progress. Mostly, I just need downtime to heal and start to make my life mine again. I don't feel like I have any control over anything anymore. Granted, how much do any of us control anything that happens to us? Is it not all in G-d's hands? So, I am learning to let go.
Today in church we talked about living a life of adventure. We learned about how the pastor and the church elders/employees feel that G-d is about to move in powerful ways and we are supposed to surrender and let the L-rd have at it. I completely agree, G-d is in control and it is silly for us to try to plan or control anything because everything happens on His time frame, not ours.
If you recall, I had tons of plans for the past two years to go work with Mema in her NICU because I was already offered a job there. She was going to let me pay low rent in exchange for help around the house and we could help each other out with job stuff and whatnot. Those plans went up in smoke this summer. I no longer have any idea of where I will work after graduation, where I will live, what state I will end up in, or even if I will work in the NICU.
If I cannot have kids, I do not want to work with babies (NICU/L&D) because I know I will get burnt out, cynical, and way depressed if I work with babies when I cannot have any. Lately, I have not even wanted to have children or be married because I don't want to drag other children into this world to go through terrible things. I have experienced some rough stuff, but so many other people go through so much more. I cannot bear witness to my children going through such hard life circumstances. I cannot even live through them myself.
I came to this conclusion after watching my mom struggle with my life choices and consequences and happenings the past few months. From her finding out about suicide attempts and self harm at the beginning of the summer, to her watching me go through rape stuff, she is having a hard time with my issues almost worse than I am. I don't want to go through that or watch my kids go through that. So, what do I do to fix such a potential situation? I simply avoid having children. Bam, no issue. If fiance and I do not happen to make it, I'm not saying we will or won't, but I will not try for another relationship. If I stay alone then I don't have to worry about having another person to care for and be concerned about, I will simply have to worry about myself and my work. Yes, it may be a lonely life, but honestly, I've gone through enough for a lifetime or two, I don't need to have anything else happen. I just wanted an easy, simple, pure life. That was stolen in a matter of months and I no longer strive to go for the dreams I had at the beginning of this past April. I just want to be done.
So, I am continually being pulled from listening to the L-rd as He confirms His whispers to me time and time again, to listening to the world/friends/parents/etc when they tell me to cut it off with fiance. How do I know what the L-rd meant by adventure? How do I know when to throw in the towel? I don't know what to do!!!!!
I'm getting burned out at work but I have to go in tonight. I desperately want another job but I don't have time to go through the training involved in getting a different job. What do I do? I'm struggling today, I don't want to do school, or work, or anything but sleep.
It is now Rosh Hashanah! (Jewish New Year!) So, shanah tovah! (Good year, it's like Happy New Year) May you be inscribed in the Book of Life and have a good year.
Another thing the L-rd keeps bringing to me is the thought of restoration. I want so badly to be restored and for fiance to be restored. We are both broken and the only way any of us can be fixed is to have the L-rd, the Creator, fix us. That was part of the message in church today too. Surrendering and being restored and allowing ourselves to be continually created by the One who created and continues to create us for His glory. So many days I wish I could go back in time and avoid all of this, but what if this can all be used for beauty? G-d's beauty. I want so badly to have beauty from these ashes, but I don't know how that can ever come about. Between my mistakes and the things that have happened, I don't feel worthy, I feel so dirty and beyond repair. I now understand the grief and cry in so many worship songs where I just didn't before. Songs that talk about us needing to surrender didn't make much sense before, now I get it.
This whisper was not a lie. We have had so many ups and downs I wonder most days if I am going crazy or not.
He came home early from work a couple weeks ago on the premise that he thought I was having problems and he wanted to help "fix" us and me. I have repeatedly told him that fixing people is G-d's job and I cannot be fixed in a conversation or two. He disagrees but we've been working through my Country Boy and exboyfriend stuff all summer and I feel like I've made very little progress. Mostly, I just need downtime to heal and start to make my life mine again. I don't feel like I have any control over anything anymore. Granted, how much do any of us control anything that happens to us? Is it not all in G-d's hands? So, I am learning to let go.
Today in church we talked about living a life of adventure. We learned about how the pastor and the church elders/employees feel that G-d is about to move in powerful ways and we are supposed to surrender and let the L-rd have at it. I completely agree, G-d is in control and it is silly for us to try to plan or control anything because everything happens on His time frame, not ours.
If you recall, I had tons of plans for the past two years to go work with Mema in her NICU because I was already offered a job there. She was going to let me pay low rent in exchange for help around the house and we could help each other out with job stuff and whatnot. Those plans went up in smoke this summer. I no longer have any idea of where I will work after graduation, where I will live, what state I will end up in, or even if I will work in the NICU.
If I cannot have kids, I do not want to work with babies (NICU/L&D) because I know I will get burnt out, cynical, and way depressed if I work with babies when I cannot have any. Lately, I have not even wanted to have children or be married because I don't want to drag other children into this world to go through terrible things. I have experienced some rough stuff, but so many other people go through so much more. I cannot bear witness to my children going through such hard life circumstances. I cannot even live through them myself.
I came to this conclusion after watching my mom struggle with my life choices and consequences and happenings the past few months. From her finding out about suicide attempts and self harm at the beginning of the summer, to her watching me go through rape stuff, she is having a hard time with my issues almost worse than I am. I don't want to go through that or watch my kids go through that. So, what do I do to fix such a potential situation? I simply avoid having children. Bam, no issue. If fiance and I do not happen to make it, I'm not saying we will or won't, but I will not try for another relationship. If I stay alone then I don't have to worry about having another person to care for and be concerned about, I will simply have to worry about myself and my work. Yes, it may be a lonely life, but honestly, I've gone through enough for a lifetime or two, I don't need to have anything else happen. I just wanted an easy, simple, pure life. That was stolen in a matter of months and I no longer strive to go for the dreams I had at the beginning of this past April. I just want to be done.
So, I am continually being pulled from listening to the L-rd as He confirms His whispers to me time and time again, to listening to the world/friends/parents/etc when they tell me to cut it off with fiance. How do I know what the L-rd meant by adventure? How do I know when to throw in the towel? I don't know what to do!!!!!
I'm getting burned out at work but I have to go in tonight. I desperately want another job but I don't have time to go through the training involved in getting a different job. What do I do? I'm struggling today, I don't want to do school, or work, or anything but sleep.
It is now Rosh Hashanah! (Jewish New Year!) So, shanah tovah! (Good year, it's like Happy New Year) May you be inscribed in the Book of Life and have a good year.
Another thing the L-rd keeps bringing to me is the thought of restoration. I want so badly to be restored and for fiance to be restored. We are both broken and the only way any of us can be fixed is to have the L-rd, the Creator, fix us. That was part of the message in church today too. Surrendering and being restored and allowing ourselves to be continually created by the One who created and continues to create us for His glory. So many days I wish I could go back in time and avoid all of this, but what if this can all be used for beauty? G-d's beauty. I want so badly to have beauty from these ashes, but I don't know how that can ever come about. Between my mistakes and the things that have happened, I don't feel worthy, I feel so dirty and beyond repair. I now understand the grief and cry in so many worship songs where I just didn't before. Songs that talk about us needing to surrender didn't make much sense before, now I get it.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Update from the last 5 minutes of my life...
I got called off for work tonight!!! Praise the L-rd! I do not have to work again until school starts back up meaning that I have two glorious weeks completely free of any obligation to school or work. This, my friends, is beautiful!
Maybe I'll have some time with that new fella...
Maybe I'll have some time with that new fella...
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Last Day of Clinicals
Well, last day of clinicals for this semester. 2 more years equaling 4 more semesters of clinicals to go. No big deal.
However, this post is devoted to the amazing ways in which G-d has worked in my life recently. Today was good. I felt off all day, but I survived!
Today my ex-roommate talked to me. This is a big deal because she disliked me very much. All semester she refused to talk to me. She would give me rude looks or make curt comments behind my back. When I see her in the halls at clinicals or school she would look away, even when I tried to smile at her. Just things that wear on you, ya know? Anyway, after weeks of trying to brush this all off and smile through the pain, she talked to me last night just to say, "see you tomorrow!" I was kinda thrown off guard because I was the only one there so I said it back and went about my work. Then today, we sat and talked a little bit with our instructor. We made quick eye contact during conversation and talked between ourselves. We helped each other with patients today in clinicals and all was well. We are not buddy-buddy and there is still some awkwardness between us, but I am relieved. Weeks of prayer and over thinking eery little thing have resulted in G-d working miracles in my silly little girl drama. Praise the L-rd!
Before ever stepping foot on the floor, I was told many times that the renal floor is awful. My clinical instructor informed us that there were 3 codes in the couple of hours he spent on the unit for orientation. My charge nurse at my CNA job across town told me she worked on the specific floor I was on and she said it was terrible. Anyone and everyone that knew about the renal floor convinced me that it would be a rough/awful experience. So, I prayed that G-d would keep people from coding and dying while we were on the floor. Guess what? Nobody coded or died while we were on the floor. Wow. Now, pts still died and coded, but not on Wednesdays between 0630 and 1530! Praise the L-rd!
There are horror stories about clinical instructors picking apart every little thing on your care plans and failing you for a missed period or a word spelled incorrectly. (Yes, I am aware that most of what I say is an exaggeration. Unless I state that some story is strictly fact, assume that most/all of it has been stretched slightly.) If I had an instructor this strict, I think I would just drop out of nursing school. So, I prayed that the L-rd provide me with a good instructor. When praying in such a general way, one never quite knows what they will get. G-d blessed me with an instructor willing to talk to us about our care plans if it wasn't quite what he was wanting and he was very "chill" with his expectations with us. He emphasized hands-on learning and was always talking us through the whole nursing thought process. With my learning style, his instruction was excellent for me. Praise the L-rd!
G-d let me have fantastic, interesting patients that were very patient and kind. He also allowed me to see how a bunch of nurses work and He allowed them all to help me in different ways, but all valuable. Praise the L-rd!
My first clinical rotation semester was a fantastic experience! Also, summer is in two weeks (after this week comes to a close.) YAY!!!
However, this post is devoted to the amazing ways in which G-d has worked in my life recently. Today was good. I felt off all day, but I survived!
Today my ex-roommate talked to me. This is a big deal because she disliked me very much. All semester she refused to talk to me. She would give me rude looks or make curt comments behind my back. When I see her in the halls at clinicals or school she would look away, even when I tried to smile at her. Just things that wear on you, ya know? Anyway, after weeks of trying to brush this all off and smile through the pain, she talked to me last night just to say, "see you tomorrow!" I was kinda thrown off guard because I was the only one there so I said it back and went about my work. Then today, we sat and talked a little bit with our instructor. We made quick eye contact during conversation and talked between ourselves. We helped each other with patients today in clinicals and all was well. We are not buddy-buddy and there is still some awkwardness between us, but I am relieved. Weeks of prayer and over thinking eery little thing have resulted in G-d working miracles in my silly little girl drama. Praise the L-rd!
Before ever stepping foot on the floor, I was told many times that the renal floor is awful. My clinical instructor informed us that there were 3 codes in the couple of hours he spent on the unit for orientation. My charge nurse at my CNA job across town told me she worked on the specific floor I was on and she said it was terrible. Anyone and everyone that knew about the renal floor convinced me that it would be a rough/awful experience. So, I prayed that G-d would keep people from coding and dying while we were on the floor. Guess what? Nobody coded or died while we were on the floor. Wow. Now, pts still died and coded, but not on Wednesdays between 0630 and 1530! Praise the L-rd!
There are horror stories about clinical instructors picking apart every little thing on your care plans and failing you for a missed period or a word spelled incorrectly. (Yes, I am aware that most of what I say is an exaggeration. Unless I state that some story is strictly fact, assume that most/all of it has been stretched slightly.) If I had an instructor this strict, I think I would just drop out of nursing school. So, I prayed that the L-rd provide me with a good instructor. When praying in such a general way, one never quite knows what they will get. G-d blessed me with an instructor willing to talk to us about our care plans if it wasn't quite what he was wanting and he was very "chill" with his expectations with us. He emphasized hands-on learning and was always talking us through the whole nursing thought process. With my learning style, his instruction was excellent for me. Praise the L-rd!
G-d let me have fantastic, interesting patients that were very patient and kind. He also allowed me to see how a bunch of nurses work and He allowed them all to help me in different ways, but all valuable. Praise the L-rd!
My first clinical rotation semester was a fantastic experience! Also, summer is in two weeks (after this week comes to a close.) YAY!!!
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
G-d has a sense of humor!
Have y'all discovered this yet? From people stripped down buck naked in the Bible to the things He allows to happen in your life so that you look up to Him, He has a sense of humor.
This post is about a verse He laid on my heart tonight. I don't know how He speaks to you, but He usually gives me the "address" of a verse in the Word to go read. Sometimes it's just a verse and sometimes it is the whole book, just depends. Regardless of what is going on, these verses always hit right on what I am going through whether it be joyous, angering, or what-have-you. Tonight, however, He gave me a single verse.
A little background: Since deciding to "date" my best friend (a guy) from last year, I have been in rough shape. My anxiety has increased several times over. I'm having panic attacks all the time. My brain is unable to focus. I keep thinking of worse case scenarios where I can't win no matter how hard I think about finding a solution. All of this is because I don't want to break his heart. I've known from the beginning (because G-d told be at the start) that we would not be able to work out together. It's simple logistics. He's one political party and I am the complete opposite. He's okay being in the city and I despise it. He is all gum drops and rainbows while I am extremely pessimistic and cynical... on a good day. He LOVES all the mushy-gushy, lovey-dovey nonsense that makes my skin crawl. Last, but certainly not least, he lives for Christmas while I spend all year figuring out how to survive it without having a major throw-down with every cashier wishing me a "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!" Now, everyone tells me "opposites attract". So what? That doesn't mean they should stay together. In our case, our complete polar opposites works really good for a friendship. It does not work as anything beyond that.
So why did I decide to jump into this train wreck? Good question. I listened to the World instead of to what G-d told me about 5-7 years ago. He told me to wait. He told me that it was possible to marry the first boy I ever really date without kissing him until our wedding day and the marriage could be blessed. He told me the boundaries to keep and He has been giving me hints of what I need in a man that would eventually become my husband. Then I listened to that, while still having my human doubts about everything that sounds too good to be true. I listened for several years while also praying that I would be able to meet my future husband that particular year. This year was no different.
But then I listened to the World. My friends were all rooting for us, but I believe that is because they are living vicariously through us. My mom thought it would be a good idea to get some experience with a boyfriend. My mentor (who is a believer and supports my Messianic beliefs) believed I needed to experience all college has to offer, including the "fun" of being attached to another person. My best friend (the guy) thought that it would be fun and exciting. Granted, he is extremely biased because he is on the receiving end of this deal. No matter who I talked to, or how much I explained my reasoning's for refraining from dating, everyone in the World that I talked to told me to jump in and roll with it. Even the pastor at my church started talking about "walking in faith".
Guess what? EVERYONE OF THE WORLD LIED!!! It'll be fun they said. It'll be a good experience, they said. It won't hurt, they said. It's exciting, they said. Bologna! I don't know that I have ever been so anxious or fallen back into my depression so fast as I did when I agreed to this. No joke and I'm not exaggerating. This whole thing makes me feel like I'm seriously broken in the head because everyone around me is excited for this whole thing to go down and I am dreading every waking moment. Then, when I'm asleep, I have bad dreams about it. Movies and TV shows say that it is so great to be in a relationship. Blah, blah, blah. So far, this is less than ideal.
Despite all of this, I believe that G-d can allow me to be excited one day for the man that I am supposed to marry. Maybe at that time, I will no longer be broken and G-d can show me a deeper version of the love He has for us by allowing me to experience dating and marriage on His time and not on mine.
To get back to the verse, though, He gave me one that I couldn't help but laugh at. I was already in bed with all the lights off, reading the Word while I start to fall asleep. However, upon reading this verse, I couldn't help but wake myself back up so that I could talk about and share it with y'all. He gave it to me after I had been pleading with Him to allow my best friend to decide to break up with me on his own. That's when the Ruach HaKodesh (Hebrew for Holy Spirit) reminded me that G-d allows us to screw up so that He can teach us some lessons in the midst of being frustrated and punishing ourselves for being foolish. It was impressed upon me to be thankful for the lessons and listen for what G-d wants to tell me. So, I thanked Him repeatedly and waited for a verse.
Moments later I received the verse Proverbs 5:13. It says: "I ignored what my teachers said, I didn't listen to my instructors." In my case, I listened to my teachers and instructors of this world instead of listening to the Teacher and my only Instructor. Just because people go to church and you trust them doesn't mean that they know what G-d has in store for you. They have no real way of knowing that unless G-d shows or tells them. Chances are, they are giving you advice from their own experiences and learning but you need to run that all past G-d before acting on their instruction. To make it even easier, don't sample from several people before you find an answer you like. I did that and got no answers that I liked or that I agreed with, but I followed them anyway and now I am paying for it. Just pray and ask G-d about everything. He will answer you but sometimes you have to be patient. Also remember to Praise G-d in the storm and not just when things are hunky dory.
This post is about a verse He laid on my heart tonight. I don't know how He speaks to you, but He usually gives me the "address" of a verse in the Word to go read. Sometimes it's just a verse and sometimes it is the whole book, just depends. Regardless of what is going on, these verses always hit right on what I am going through whether it be joyous, angering, or what-have-you. Tonight, however, He gave me a single verse.
A little background: Since deciding to "date" my best friend (a guy) from last year, I have been in rough shape. My anxiety has increased several times over. I'm having panic attacks all the time. My brain is unable to focus. I keep thinking of worse case scenarios where I can't win no matter how hard I think about finding a solution. All of this is because I don't want to break his heart. I've known from the beginning (because G-d told be at the start) that we would not be able to work out together. It's simple logistics. He's one political party and I am the complete opposite. He's okay being in the city and I despise it. He is all gum drops and rainbows while I am extremely pessimistic and cynical... on a good day. He LOVES all the mushy-gushy, lovey-dovey nonsense that makes my skin crawl. Last, but certainly not least, he lives for Christmas while I spend all year figuring out how to survive it without having a major throw-down with every cashier wishing me a "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!" Now, everyone tells me "opposites attract". So what? That doesn't mean they should stay together. In our case, our complete polar opposites works really good for a friendship. It does not work as anything beyond that.
So why did I decide to jump into this train wreck? Good question. I listened to the World instead of to what G-d told me about 5-7 years ago. He told me to wait. He told me that it was possible to marry the first boy I ever really date without kissing him until our wedding day and the marriage could be blessed. He told me the boundaries to keep and He has been giving me hints of what I need in a man that would eventually become my husband. Then I listened to that, while still having my human doubts about everything that sounds too good to be true. I listened for several years while also praying that I would be able to meet my future husband that particular year. This year was no different.
But then I listened to the World. My friends were all rooting for us, but I believe that is because they are living vicariously through us. My mom thought it would be a good idea to get some experience with a boyfriend. My mentor (who is a believer and supports my Messianic beliefs) believed I needed to experience all college has to offer, including the "fun" of being attached to another person. My best friend (the guy) thought that it would be fun and exciting. Granted, he is extremely biased because he is on the receiving end of this deal. No matter who I talked to, or how much I explained my reasoning's for refraining from dating, everyone in the World that I talked to told me to jump in and roll with it. Even the pastor at my church started talking about "walking in faith".
Guess what? EVERYONE OF THE WORLD LIED!!! It'll be fun they said. It'll be a good experience, they said. It won't hurt, they said. It's exciting, they said. Bologna! I don't know that I have ever been so anxious or fallen back into my depression so fast as I did when I agreed to this. No joke and I'm not exaggerating. This whole thing makes me feel like I'm seriously broken in the head because everyone around me is excited for this whole thing to go down and I am dreading every waking moment. Then, when I'm asleep, I have bad dreams about it. Movies and TV shows say that it is so great to be in a relationship. Blah, blah, blah. So far, this is less than ideal.
Despite all of this, I believe that G-d can allow me to be excited one day for the man that I am supposed to marry. Maybe at that time, I will no longer be broken and G-d can show me a deeper version of the love He has for us by allowing me to experience dating and marriage on His time and not on mine.
To get back to the verse, though, He gave me one that I couldn't help but laugh at. I was already in bed with all the lights off, reading the Word while I start to fall asleep. However, upon reading this verse, I couldn't help but wake myself back up so that I could talk about and share it with y'all. He gave it to me after I had been pleading with Him to allow my best friend to decide to break up with me on his own. That's when the Ruach HaKodesh (Hebrew for Holy Spirit) reminded me that G-d allows us to screw up so that He can teach us some lessons in the midst of being frustrated and punishing ourselves for being foolish. It was impressed upon me to be thankful for the lessons and listen for what G-d wants to tell me. So, I thanked Him repeatedly and waited for a verse.
Moments later I received the verse Proverbs 5:13. It says: "I ignored what my teachers said, I didn't listen to my instructors." In my case, I listened to my teachers and instructors of this world instead of listening to the Teacher and my only Instructor. Just because people go to church and you trust them doesn't mean that they know what G-d has in store for you. They have no real way of knowing that unless G-d shows or tells them. Chances are, they are giving you advice from their own experiences and learning but you need to run that all past G-d before acting on their instruction. To make it even easier, don't sample from several people before you find an answer you like. I did that and got no answers that I liked or that I agreed with, but I followed them anyway and now I am paying for it. Just pray and ask G-d about everything. He will answer you but sometimes you have to be patient. Also remember to Praise G-d in the storm and not just when things are hunky dory.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Trying Something New...
If you've followed me for any length of time, you probably know that I am neurotic and really weird when it comes to dating. I wasn't planning on dating until later into my college career but my plans have changed.
I got a boyfriend today. Wow, that is weird to say.
It's my best friend from last year. He asked me out before and I just wasn't ready. I'm still not ready. However, I'm taking a leap of faith and giving into my heart for once. It may blow up in my face and then I'll be right back on here venting about how stupid I was for ever trying something like this. Maybe I'll learn a thing or two. In fact, I've already learned a bunch of stuff. I learned how to start a hard conversation and how to direct the conversation. That's huge for me because if something makes me uncomfortable (and it's not required for work or something) then I avoid it at all costs. Hard talks are one of those things because I don't want people to know the deep innards of me. That is all mine. It's even hard to go to G-d with that stuff, but He taught me how to do that.
I don't really know what G-d wanted for me with this. I don't know if He was giving me a go-ahead or if He wanted me to be strong and resist. It seems like I can't hear Him lately. I think that's because I'm listening to music constantly and unintentionally ignoring Him. Why is it so hard to focus on listening and talking to Him? I know that He is still there with me regardless of what happens, unless I remove myself from His presence and instruction, however, I also know that I haven't been working so hard to stay close with Him. This lukewarm thing is really not good because I don't know His voice anymore. I haven't heard it in months. What if me dating this boy was actually a really bad idea and I screwed up a ton of stuff? I know G-d can fix it if need be, but I don't want to go through unnecessary heart-ache and pain because that's just silly. I also know that I'm freaking out and that's making me over-think everything right now.
I prayed for faith building and to be able to hear Him last week in church. That is like praying for patience... Asking for those things is sketchy because G-d gives you a billion ways to develop that particular trait instead of just giving you the trait. Needless to say, my week has been rough and I don't know if this whole boyfriend thing is part of that or not. Scary!!!
I'm headed to church. Goodnight y'all and Shabbat Shalom!
Oh my goodness, I forgot to tell you that I'm going out to lunch with him and his mom tomorrow. I'm super nervous. I've met her before and we get along just fine but I'm really awkward and weird.
I got a boyfriend today. Wow, that is weird to say.
It's my best friend from last year. He asked me out before and I just wasn't ready. I'm still not ready. However, I'm taking a leap of faith and giving into my heart for once. It may blow up in my face and then I'll be right back on here venting about how stupid I was for ever trying something like this. Maybe I'll learn a thing or two. In fact, I've already learned a bunch of stuff. I learned how to start a hard conversation and how to direct the conversation. That's huge for me because if something makes me uncomfortable (and it's not required for work or something) then I avoid it at all costs. Hard talks are one of those things because I don't want people to know the deep innards of me. That is all mine. It's even hard to go to G-d with that stuff, but He taught me how to do that.
I don't really know what G-d wanted for me with this. I don't know if He was giving me a go-ahead or if He wanted me to be strong and resist. It seems like I can't hear Him lately. I think that's because I'm listening to music constantly and unintentionally ignoring Him. Why is it so hard to focus on listening and talking to Him? I know that He is still there with me regardless of what happens, unless I remove myself from His presence and instruction, however, I also know that I haven't been working so hard to stay close with Him. This lukewarm thing is really not good because I don't know His voice anymore. I haven't heard it in months. What if me dating this boy was actually a really bad idea and I screwed up a ton of stuff? I know G-d can fix it if need be, but I don't want to go through unnecessary heart-ache and pain because that's just silly. I also know that I'm freaking out and that's making me over-think everything right now.
I prayed for faith building and to be able to hear Him last week in church. That is like praying for patience... Asking for those things is sketchy because G-d gives you a billion ways to develop that particular trait instead of just giving you the trait. Needless to say, my week has been rough and I don't know if this whole boyfriend thing is part of that or not. Scary!!!
I'm headed to church. Goodnight y'all and Shabbat Shalom!
Oh my goodness, I forgot to tell you that I'm going out to lunch with him and his mom tomorrow. I'm super nervous. I've met her before and we get along just fine but I'm really awkward and weird.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Ice Skating Celebration
Last night, I got to go out to dinner with a few of my friends from the nursing program. Afterwards, we went ice skating and had an absolute blast! It turns out that I am one of the youngest people in the program. This is quite unfortunate because everyone else was able to have a few drinks with dinner and I was just sittin' there sippin' water... Oh well.
Dinner was fun even though only 6 of our 40+ fellow students showed up. Then by friend's boyfriend showed up. He is super nice and I'm glad that they have fun together, but it reinforces the fact that I am alone. Never had a boyfriend and while I was once okay/happy being single, I'm finding myself wanting one again. It's frustrating.
Ice skating was so much fun! We went to an outdoor rink. It was so much better than an indoor rink because you get to see the stars and all the decorated houses. Besides the cold and the rockier ice, it was significantly more enjoyable than the indoor rink I am accustomed to. That is also largely because of the friends I was with.
Then, all of a sudden, everyone stopped skating. I looked around for the cause and some guy was proposing to his girlfriend on the rink. Amidst the, "aaah's" and "Oh my gosh, that is so cute's," I remained calm. Barely able to keep myself together, but I did. All night, that was all anyone could talk about. I'm happy for them. Truly, I am. It's just hard to watch right now.
How do I get past all of this jealousy and cynicism? There has to be a way, I just need a road map, the pills to make it so, and perhaps the Voice of G-d speaking into my life saying when, where, and how I will meet my future husband. Unfortunately, the first two are unrealistic and G-d doesn't typically give dates and times of future happenings in our lives. Think about how boring that would be!
Update on grades: My B- in Basic Assessment got changed to a B+ when my teacher dropped our quizzes. Then, I checked my final posted grades today and she ended up rounding up my grade so I got an A-!!! So, I got an A, A-, B, and two B-'s. Praise the L-rd!!! G-d answered my prayers about score rounding and so my GPA is significantly higher than I was projecting it at.
Daily Thanksgiving: I was able to no work. I got to go to dinner and ice skating with some of my nursing school friends. G-d not only let me pass my first semester of nursing school, but He brought my grades up as well. I did not fall a single time while ice skating! I am on break and enjoying my new downtime.
Dinner was fun even though only 6 of our 40+ fellow students showed up. Then by friend's boyfriend showed up. He is super nice and I'm glad that they have fun together, but it reinforces the fact that I am alone. Never had a boyfriend and while I was once okay/happy being single, I'm finding myself wanting one again. It's frustrating.
Ice skating was so much fun! We went to an outdoor rink. It was so much better than an indoor rink because you get to see the stars and all the decorated houses. Besides the cold and the rockier ice, it was significantly more enjoyable than the indoor rink I am accustomed to. That is also largely because of the friends I was with.
Then, all of a sudden, everyone stopped skating. I looked around for the cause and some guy was proposing to his girlfriend on the rink. Amidst the, "aaah's" and "Oh my gosh, that is so cute's," I remained calm. Barely able to keep myself together, but I did. All night, that was all anyone could talk about. I'm happy for them. Truly, I am. It's just hard to watch right now.
How do I get past all of this jealousy and cynicism? There has to be a way, I just need a road map, the pills to make it so, and perhaps the Voice of G-d speaking into my life saying when, where, and how I will meet my future husband. Unfortunately, the first two are unrealistic and G-d doesn't typically give dates and times of future happenings in our lives. Think about how boring that would be!
Update on grades: My B- in Basic Assessment got changed to a B+ when my teacher dropped our quizzes. Then, I checked my final posted grades today and she ended up rounding up my grade so I got an A-!!! So, I got an A, A-, B, and two B-'s. Praise the L-rd!!! G-d answered my prayers about score rounding and so my GPA is significantly higher than I was projecting it at.
Daily Thanksgiving: I was able to no work. I got to go to dinner and ice skating with some of my nursing school friends. G-d not only let me pass my first semester of nursing school, but He brought my grades up as well. I did not fall a single time while ice skating! I am on break and enjoying my new downtime.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
ALL DONE!!!
Folks, I finished all my finals!!! Better yet, G-d let me pass the first semester of nursing school when I was certain I would fail at least 1-2 of my 5 classes!
The feeling of being done is so beautiful I can't even describe it. But G-d got me through. Oh man, I just can't get over that fact. Now I get to move onto clincals and get into some actual nursing.
My last final today for Foundations I studied for a total of probably 30 minutes because I could get a 0% and still pass. Man, 95% of the questions had an answer of "All of the above" and 4% had matching. Seriously 2 questions actually required me to pick out the answer that was an actual answer besides "All of the above". How crazy is that!?! Granted, I was a bit paranoid at the time and my Scantron was filled with the answer D, but my friends said their was the same way so I think I may get to keep my one A for this semester!
The teacher for that class is also my teacher for Basic Assessment and I may end up getting a solid B instead of a B- for that class because she is dropping the 2 quizzes that were ridiculously hard and that counted for 10% of our grade. Instead, she is making our final grade go from 10% of our total grade to 20%. Moral of that long-winded story is that I may get one less B- than I thought!!!
Yesterday was a good day and it just kept on getting better. Today is even better than yesterday and it continues to get better. I'm scared for tomorrow because this is either a manic episode or G-d is just letting me have a slight break from the craziness that surrounds me on all sides. Either way, I can't tell. Oh well, I think I'm going to enjoy a little down time before I work tomorrow at my IT job and I'll let you guys know how Friday night out with my nursing class goes, if we end up going out. Now, that I got the day back off from work (after they called me in, I ended up emailing my boss and backing out) nobody even knows if this shindig is still going down!
Icing on the cake that was my day, my hair curled enough to look absolutely adorable. Aaaaaaah, this was a good day.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Bible Study Realization
Folks, I had a major realization today. It happened while sitting in a Panera studying and minding my own business. All of a sudden, a guy's college Bible study group came and sat next to me. They started a typical, simple study. Reading out of the Bible, straight up, and discussing it in their own simple words. At that, it dawned on me, I'm not alone. I'm not the only person striving for purity in my college atmosphere. There are other people. We are hidden in the background until given a chance to share the hope that we have in the L-rd. Rarely does it come up in everyday conversation, but it is comforting knowing that there are more people out there like me!
My brother's friend, who looks like he should be in a death metal band (because he is), goes to church every Sunday. When you talk to him, he is so incredibly innocent and kind. Guys, this is how G-d reaches out to all types of people. He employs us, with all of our vastly unique, to reach every nook and cranny of the human population. How encouraging is that?
Of course, I knew/know that I am not alone, but it gets lonely you know? For so long, I haven't met many people who share faith with me. Then, after I had been yearning for others that are working to talk out their faith, G-d reveals them to me when I least expect it. I did not talk to them, nor do I know who they are. I know that they are working on their relationship with G-d, as I am, and they go to my university. There is a community out there of people my age with similar faith as me, I just have to find it.
Today, I am very thankful that G-d brought me to Panera to be witness to their Bible study and discussion. Stay strong in your faith everyone. Grow in your relationship with The Almighty and ask for His guidance in life. Ask forgiveness from G-d and those you have affected. Finally, love everyone, regardless of what has happened or what they have done.
My brother's friend, who looks like he should be in a death metal band (because he is), goes to church every Sunday. When you talk to him, he is so incredibly innocent and kind. Guys, this is how G-d reaches out to all types of people. He employs us, with all of our vastly unique, to reach every nook and cranny of the human population. How encouraging is that?
Of course, I knew/know that I am not alone, but it gets lonely you know? For so long, I haven't met many people who share faith with me. Then, after I had been yearning for others that are working to talk out their faith, G-d reveals them to me when I least expect it. I did not talk to them, nor do I know who they are. I know that they are working on their relationship with G-d, as I am, and they go to my university. There is a community out there of people my age with similar faith as me, I just have to find it.
Today, I am very thankful that G-d brought me to Panera to be witness to their Bible study and discussion. Stay strong in your faith everyone. Grow in your relationship with The Almighty and ask for His guidance in life. Ask forgiveness from G-d and those you have affected. Finally, love everyone, regardless of what has happened or what they have done.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Lost My Motivation...
Let's start off with some good news: My pharmacology teacher, after weeks of saying we would not be able to do it, sent out an email this morning saying that we could use our books on our upcoming test!!! My heart swelled and I am so relieved because I need at least a B, but I'm hoping for an A. Praise the L-rd! He answered my prayer to let us use our books.
Today I texted country boy first because I figured I would see if he would keep the conversation going. Not so much. He has asked me if we can hang out though...
I took my patho test and felt better than I've ever felt about one of these tests before. That also scares me, though, because sometimes that means that I made silly mistakes and didn't do as well as I had hoped. I'll let you guys know how I did when the scores are posted.
Well, I should be studying for my other two tests (of 3) I have this week. I had 5.5 hours today to study. I read Gathering Blue instead. (You should look into reading that book, btw. It is part of a 4 book "series." They don't really go fully together, but they are very interesting. They are written by Lois Lowry and the series starts with The Giver.) Now, I have a few more hours to study yet I'm watching t.v., texting country boy, and now writing this post. Folks, I lost my motivation.
I'm going to go look for it...
Today I texted country boy first because I figured I would see if he would keep the conversation going. Not so much. He has asked me if we can hang out though...
I took my patho test and felt better than I've ever felt about one of these tests before. That also scares me, though, because sometimes that means that I made silly mistakes and didn't do as well as I had hoped. I'll let you guys know how I did when the scores are posted.
Well, I should be studying for my other two tests (of 3) I have this week. I had 5.5 hours today to study. I read Gathering Blue instead. (You should look into reading that book, btw. It is part of a 4 book "series." They don't really go fully together, but they are very interesting. They are written by Lois Lowry and the series starts with The Giver.) Now, I have a few more hours to study yet I'm watching t.v., texting country boy, and now writing this post. Folks, I lost my motivation.
I'm going to go look for it...
Friday, November 8, 2013
Several Rants, So I Broke Them Up
Folks, I have so much to say it's ridiculous. In order to decrease confusion r/t my long-windedness, I have decided to makes several posts, each labeled with their main topic. That way, you can easily navigate the page and not read my whole entire weeks novel just to get past what you weren't interested in, to get to what you were...
I apologize for today because this blog has turned into more of a diary as apposed to an actually helpful nursing blog. I'm hoping that useful stuff will happen to me regarding nursing school soon, starting next semester, but this semester is all about theory and YAWN!
So, the formatting on my actual blog may be kinda strange. Don't pay attention to the times it says that the posts were posted because I am trying to put this one first, which requires me to do some finagling with the times. Also, I love the word finagling.
Let's get this party started! A lot happened to me this week...
I apologize for today because this blog has turned into more of a diary as apposed to an actually helpful nursing blog. I'm hoping that useful stuff will happen to me regarding nursing school soon, starting next semester, but this semester is all about theory and YAWN!
So, the formatting on my actual blog may be kinda strange. Don't pay attention to the times it says that the posts were posted because I am trying to put this one first, which requires me to do some finagling with the times. Also, I love the word finagling.
Let's get this party started! A lot happened to me this week...
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Try Not To Cry
For my final post of the night (hopefully), I wanted to share one last video. This beautiful video is about one couple's marriage and about their love for each other. It made me sob because marriage today does not seem to happen like this anymore, or at least we don't hear about it. This is how I imagine G-d's love for us is on some level (though His love is so vast no one can ever understand it). This is what I desire for my marriage to be like and I pray that if G-d has prepared a husband for me, that we are able to love like these two loved each other.
Have tissues handy. Do not watch after fresh application of make-up. Make sure that you didn't have any other human interactions planned for the day. Hold on tight because this video is so sweet and simple, but very deep at the same time.
Are you ready?
Watch it here.
This video has blessed me and it has been an answer to my prayers asking G-d what the meaning of marriage is.
Have tissues handy. Do not watch after fresh application of make-up. Make sure that you didn't have any other human interactions planned for the day. Hold on tight because this video is so sweet and simple, but very deep at the same time.
Are you ready?
Watch it here.
This video has blessed me and it has been an answer to my prayers asking G-d what the meaning of marriage is.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Nursing School is Finally Starting to Sink in!!!
Today was the first day of Basic Health Assessment lab. Let me tell you, I am finally starting to realize that I am in nursing school. The first two weeks was all talk and it makes it seem like I'm in the wrong career path. Finally having BHA lab for the first time, though, has reassured me that this occupation suits me. We learned all about stuff I had already learned in CNA school and what I had learned at the medical clinic I volunteer at, so it wasn't a whole lot of new info and it wasn't particularly exciting. That is okay by me, though, because it just makes school that much easier right now. Anywho, I am starting to do nursing stuff and we are learning assessment. CNA's don't do assessment which means that I am finally breaking free from being "just an aide."
Now, let's talk about that. I have heard so many people refer to nurses as "just a nurse." Even more people refer to aides as "just an aide." I have even caught myself doing it when I am talking about my own career or when someone asks me if I'm a nurse, I respond: "No, I'm just an aide." Folks, this should not be. My CNA schooling was only a month long course, but in that month I learned so much! I learned (and continue to learn) even more every day. Plus, I deal with the poop, pee, vomit, behaviors, punching, yelling, screaming, biting, scratching, and torture that is the care role of a Nurse Aide. Don't get me wrong, I do love the people I care for, but being a CNA is not even a little bit easy, especially in a nursing home where you are paid significantly less than you would be in a hospital setting. So to be referring to any aide as "just a CNA," is not giving our job and our title justice. How much more truth is there to saying that about an actual RN? Nursing school is BRUTAL!!! Learning how to be a nurse after graduation can be just as bad if not worse. Therefore, please work with me to stop ourselves from referring to ourselves or any other nurses as "just a nurse." We don't say, "he's just an engineer" or "they're just a dentist" or "she's just a lawyer," so why should we say "they're just a nurse?" (I was not trying to attach a specific gender to any particular occupation, I apologize if I sounded like ladies cannot be engineers or guys cannot be lawyers, that was not my intention.)
Off to do my homework: completing an assessment at home... My poor brother gets to be assessed every week, but he's a good guinea pig.
Daily Thanksgiving: My BHA and Foundations of Nursing teachers (same lady) is so adorable, funny, and kind. Also, I was able to make it into her BHA lab instead of having a different instructor for lab! She is allowing us to take open book tests online too!!! Ya, that took away a ton of stress (I dislike tests, I'm not so good at them.) Today is over and tomorrow I have 2 simple classes. The third week of school is blowing by! If only the bad stuff could always go by this quickly but the fun stuff could slow down so I can savor it... G-d has showed me 2 churches to go to and I am going to start the 2nd church this week. It is a college group and so I hope it is talking about deeper stuff that is more relevant to us instead of the typical, simpler Sunday morning messages I keep getting (I go Saturday nights but it's the same message.)
Now, let's talk about that. I have heard so many people refer to nurses as "just a nurse." Even more people refer to aides as "just an aide." I have even caught myself doing it when I am talking about my own career or when someone asks me if I'm a nurse, I respond: "No, I'm just an aide." Folks, this should not be. My CNA schooling was only a month long course, but in that month I learned so much! I learned (and continue to learn) even more every day. Plus, I deal with the poop, pee, vomit, behaviors, punching, yelling, screaming, biting, scratching, and torture that is the care role of a Nurse Aide. Don't get me wrong, I do love the people I care for, but being a CNA is not even a little bit easy, especially in a nursing home where you are paid significantly less than you would be in a hospital setting. So to be referring to any aide as "just a CNA," is not giving our job and our title justice. How much more truth is there to saying that about an actual RN? Nursing school is BRUTAL!!! Learning how to be a nurse after graduation can be just as bad if not worse. Therefore, please work with me to stop ourselves from referring to ourselves or any other nurses as "just a nurse." We don't say, "he's just an engineer" or "they're just a dentist" or "she's just a lawyer," so why should we say "they're just a nurse?" (I was not trying to attach a specific gender to any particular occupation, I apologize if I sounded like ladies cannot be engineers or guys cannot be lawyers, that was not my intention.)
Off to do my homework: completing an assessment at home... My poor brother gets to be assessed every week, but he's a good guinea pig.
Daily Thanksgiving: My BHA and Foundations of Nursing teachers (same lady) is so adorable, funny, and kind. Also, I was able to make it into her BHA lab instead of having a different instructor for lab! She is allowing us to take open book tests online too!!! Ya, that took away a ton of stress (I dislike tests, I'm not so good at them.) Today is over and tomorrow I have 2 simple classes. The third week of school is blowing by! If only the bad stuff could always go by this quickly but the fun stuff could slow down so I can savor it... G-d has showed me 2 churches to go to and I am going to start the 2nd church this week. It is a college group and so I hope it is talking about deeper stuff that is more relevant to us instead of the typical, simpler Sunday morning messages I keep getting (I go Saturday nights but it's the same message.)
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Incredible Words of Encouragement
I went out to dinner the other night with a dear friend and my mentor. She also just happens to be the lady that I babysit for. My goodness she is such a blessing!
She takes time out of her ridiculously busy schedule to ask me to dinner and sit talking with me for 2 hours. Not to mention, the drive to come to this dinner is 30 minutes from her home. Never have I really had someone speak over my life like she has. She encourages me, makes me cry with her kindness, and lets me know when I'm being silly and need to not do something. For someone who does not trust easily, I very much trust her (as much as I can trust a person) and I feel I would do anything for her. In fact, I almost postponed going to college so that I could stay at her house and help her with her 4 amazing kids through a very difficult journey for their family. If you don't have someone like this in your life, you need to start praying for them now! G-d speaks straight to my heart through her so much I can't even tell you. I don't even mention things in my life and somehow He tells her and she brings it up and talks me through it. She is my mentor, a very dear friend and someone I aspire to be like when I grow up.
Something she has recently brought to my attention is the fact that I don't trust anyone/anything, I worry (even more than I thought, surprising, I know!), and I am at my best when I am serving (as observed by others, not just me).
The trust thing was new for me. It encompasses why I refuse the flu shot. I don't trust that this silly vaccine, that comes out every year, is supposed to do me any good. In fact, there is some data suggesting that it is actually harmful. So, what's the truth? I don't want to get it, but my G-d is bigger than anyone trying to harm me, so if it is required, is it worth it to just get the stupid shot? If it is meant for harm, G-d can make it completely unharmful. Even knowing this, is it okay to submit and accept the vaccine just to get a different job in a hospital? I would only do it until I can move somewhere else that is still allowing us to make our decisions freely and not bullying us into injecting toxins and "inactive" viruses into our arms or snuffing said "inactive" viruses up our nose in the name of health. This is America after all, but less and less is able to be up to us... Still, I understand that I chose this profession and that means possibly accepting all of the terms of the job, including this flu shot. I'm still at a fork in this road. I have no clue what to do because I hate to back down after fighting so hard to not get the shot. Not because of pride, just because I don't trust that this vaccine is in my best interest. More on this later...
In other news, school starts in a week and this week is packed for me! I work 7 shifts (3 doubles and an evening shift) at my CNA job and I also begin my new IT job on campus this week. I also have to order books and pray that they come in before I have to start my classes because I was thinking I would get my financial aid refund check this last Friday but that didn't happen... So, I'm freaking out about rent, books, and the millions of other things I have to do this week to get ready for this next crazy semester of school.
She takes time out of her ridiculously busy schedule to ask me to dinner and sit talking with me for 2 hours. Not to mention, the drive to come to this dinner is 30 minutes from her home. Never have I really had someone speak over my life like she has. She encourages me, makes me cry with her kindness, and lets me know when I'm being silly and need to not do something. For someone who does not trust easily, I very much trust her (as much as I can trust a person) and I feel I would do anything for her. In fact, I almost postponed going to college so that I could stay at her house and help her with her 4 amazing kids through a very difficult journey for their family. If you don't have someone like this in your life, you need to start praying for them now! G-d speaks straight to my heart through her so much I can't even tell you. I don't even mention things in my life and somehow He tells her and she brings it up and talks me through it. She is my mentor, a very dear friend and someone I aspire to be like when I grow up.
Something she has recently brought to my attention is the fact that I don't trust anyone/anything, I worry (even more than I thought, surprising, I know!), and I am at my best when I am serving (as observed by others, not just me).
The trust thing was new for me. It encompasses why I refuse the flu shot. I don't trust that this silly vaccine, that comes out every year, is supposed to do me any good. In fact, there is some data suggesting that it is actually harmful. So, what's the truth? I don't want to get it, but my G-d is bigger than anyone trying to harm me, so if it is required, is it worth it to just get the stupid shot? If it is meant for harm, G-d can make it completely unharmful. Even knowing this, is it okay to submit and accept the vaccine just to get a different job in a hospital? I would only do it until I can move somewhere else that is still allowing us to make our decisions freely and not bullying us into injecting toxins and "inactive" viruses into our arms or snuffing said "inactive" viruses up our nose in the name of health. This is America after all, but less and less is able to be up to us... Still, I understand that I chose this profession and that means possibly accepting all of the terms of the job, including this flu shot. I'm still at a fork in this road. I have no clue what to do because I hate to back down after fighting so hard to not get the shot. Not because of pride, just because I don't trust that this vaccine is in my best interest. More on this later...
In other news, school starts in a week and this week is packed for me! I work 7 shifts (3 doubles and an evening shift) at my CNA job and I also begin my new IT job on campus this week. I also have to order books and pray that they come in before I have to start my classes because I was thinking I would get my financial aid refund check this last Friday but that didn't happen... So, I'm freaking out about rent, books, and the millions of other things I have to do this week to get ready for this next crazy semester of school.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Sippin' Sweet Tea
Just sittin' here sippin' some home-made sweet tea wishing the sugar hadn't settled to the bottom (I'm drinking the last bit of it and boy howdie! It is far too sweet for me.) I took my lab practical and final chapter exam Wednesday and I take my comprehensive final today.
Chapter Exam: 72% after adjustments
Lab Practical: 88% (I'm really pleased with this score because I was sure I hadn't done very well)
Comprehensive Final: I will update you later
I am having huge troubles studying though! 1) I have never taken a true comprehensive final before. My teacher says she gives the same final every semester to see how she is doing with teaching, but I heard it is ridiculously hard. Like, harder than her other tests. Plus, I heard this from some of the smartest people in our class who had to take it early because they have lives this summer. 2) I calculated the minimum score I need to pass the class. It's a 0. So, if I wanted to pass with a C and not worry about it anymore, then I could just skip this silly test. 3) I calculated what I need to pass with a B. That's only 30/120 points. This was probably a really bad thing to do because I have not been studying well all day. Knowing that an A is impossible and passing is a sure-thing, I have given up my fight with this class. I just don't care. That's not totally true. I do care, but I'm one of those people that will give up trying so hard for something if the outcome is so certain (as is the case here). I kinda wish I wasn't like this, but I wish that I would have done a million things differently this summer instead so that my A could have been earned, even if I did have to fight really hard for it. At least then I would know that I did my best. I think that's what bugs me about not getting A's. It's the fact that there is a score reminding me that I did not live up to my expectations or goals, especially when I only had this one class to take!
C'est la vie, eh?
On the bright side, my mom is here at our apartment and she brought... my Punkin! (Yes, I know I technically spelled that wrong, but that's how I pronounce it). It's my dog. The sweet, miracle of a dog G-d blessed me with in the 6th grade who embodies the entirety of a 6-8 page journal prayer. I still have the prayer too. She is my baby and I have missed her so much! When I come home, or when she gets to see me after being apart for a long time, she is so happy that she does this little wriggle thing and starts whining. The whining is super weird for her because she never whines or barks, unless there is an intruder or some kind of danger or when she sees me, I guess.
Work went really well yesterday. I worked with my favorite CNA and my favorite LPN last night. Both of them are trying to set me up with the LPN's brother. Good news there: he's not moving here anymore. He is on the army reserve and could not get transferred to this state from his home state so now I don't really have to worry about this fictional relationship suddenly coming to life. They are still quite convinced we'll find each other in some romantic, serendipitous way and he'll bring me home to meet his family where I will find the LPN welcoming me to the family with open arms. Me: ya, that's not gonna happen. But, I kept up with the girl who works that floor every night and I even had harder people. Well, normally they are harder, but everyone was completely exhausted last night. Normally, some people will stay up until 10 or 11 p.m. Everyone was in bed by 8:30... It was beautiful!
More to come tonight if I can remember. Daily Thanksgiving will likely be done then too. Hey, are y'all trying the thanksgiving thing? You know, everyday you find something new to be thankful to G-d for, even silly stuff like no traffic jam or sleepy residents. It can change your life and prevent the psychology thing of one wrong thing making you think of everything else that went bad that day. Just try it, it's good stuff.
Off to take a shower, get ready for my comprehensive final and then... NO MORE MICROBIOLOGY!!! Plus, shopping with my mom. Yay!
Chapter Exam: 72% after adjustments
Lab Practical: 88% (I'm really pleased with this score because I was sure I hadn't done very well)
Comprehensive Final: I will update you later
I am having huge troubles studying though! 1) I have never taken a true comprehensive final before. My teacher says she gives the same final every semester to see how she is doing with teaching, but I heard it is ridiculously hard. Like, harder than her other tests. Plus, I heard this from some of the smartest people in our class who had to take it early because they have lives this summer. 2) I calculated the minimum score I need to pass the class. It's a 0. So, if I wanted to pass with a C and not worry about it anymore, then I could just skip this silly test. 3) I calculated what I need to pass with a B. That's only 30/120 points. This was probably a really bad thing to do because I have not been studying well all day. Knowing that an A is impossible and passing is a sure-thing, I have given up my fight with this class. I just don't care. That's not totally true. I do care, but I'm one of those people that will give up trying so hard for something if the outcome is so certain (as is the case here). I kinda wish I wasn't like this, but I wish that I would have done a million things differently this summer instead so that my A could have been earned, even if I did have to fight really hard for it. At least then I would know that I did my best. I think that's what bugs me about not getting A's. It's the fact that there is a score reminding me that I did not live up to my expectations or goals, especially when I only had this one class to take!
C'est la vie, eh?
On the bright side, my mom is here at our apartment and she brought... my Punkin! (Yes, I know I technically spelled that wrong, but that's how I pronounce it). It's my dog. The sweet, miracle of a dog G-d blessed me with in the 6th grade who embodies the entirety of a 6-8 page journal prayer. I still have the prayer too. She is my baby and I have missed her so much! When I come home, or when she gets to see me after being apart for a long time, she is so happy that she does this little wriggle thing and starts whining. The whining is super weird for her because she never whines or barks, unless there is an intruder or some kind of danger or when she sees me, I guess.
Work went really well yesterday. I worked with my favorite CNA and my favorite LPN last night. Both of them are trying to set me up with the LPN's brother. Good news there: he's not moving here anymore. He is on the army reserve and could not get transferred to this state from his home state so now I don't really have to worry about this fictional relationship suddenly coming to life. They are still quite convinced we'll find each other in some romantic, serendipitous way and he'll bring me home to meet his family where I will find the LPN welcoming me to the family with open arms. Me: ya, that's not gonna happen. But, I kept up with the girl who works that floor every night and I even had harder people. Well, normally they are harder, but everyone was completely exhausted last night. Normally, some people will stay up until 10 or 11 p.m. Everyone was in bed by 8:30... It was beautiful!
More to come tonight if I can remember. Daily Thanksgiving will likely be done then too. Hey, are y'all trying the thanksgiving thing? You know, everyday you find something new to be thankful to G-d for, even silly stuff like no traffic jam or sleepy residents. It can change your life and prevent the psychology thing of one wrong thing making you think of everything else that went bad that day. Just try it, it's good stuff.
Off to take a shower, get ready for my comprehensive final and then... NO MORE MICROBIOLOGY!!! Plus, shopping with my mom. Yay!
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Successful Day
After receiving the call from work at about 3 this morning, I slept in nice and late (for me). I studied a bit, spent some time with my brother, watched another episode of my favorite show and then went to work. Now, work was good and bad. The good part was that I only had to work 5 1/2 hours. The bad part was that everyone was so uncooperative! Goodness, it took me 30-45 minutes to help change one lady into her pajamas and she only let me change her pants. Plus, she asks "huh?" after everything that you say even though she can hear just fine. It's like an automated response to everything. Man, I was getting so frustrated having to repeat everything and having the most nonsensical conversation I think I have ever had in my life. Guys, I don't know how much longer I can stay at this job. For my first CNA job I think it's gone pretty well but I am so burnt out at this place. They pay way less than hospitals or even other facilities but they are having us work with one of the most difficult populations (in my opinion). I have had so many days pleading with G-d to let me have a unit secretary job in the hospital or just any CNA job in the hospital. I would love to work in labor and delivery or in the NICU. I have even applied to tons of those positions because they are open in the hospitals right now but no one is calling me back. Oh well, G-d knows where I am supposed to be and for how long. If I knew how long I would be here I would either crawl into a hole and wait for death (not really, I'm being way overly dramatic) or I would cease productivity for my remaining days at work. I guess that's why G-d doesn't tell us His time frame for things, huh?
I was thinking about that on my way to work today. He allowed me to get into nursing school. Just a couple months ago I was asking for Him to tell me if I would get in or not. If He would have told me He would get me in, I probably wouldn't have worked so hard to pass the HESI with such a good score and I probably wouldn't have tried for all A's this last year. So, if He were to tell me when I would meet my husband and where, I would stop living and trusting Him to bring my husband and I together. Likewise, if I knew any of His future plans for me, and the time that He would fulfill those plans, I would stop doing anything because I know that His plans would be carried out. This is frustrating for me because I am nosy and like to have everything planned and understood. However, this is also very good because G-d is teaching me faith, trust, hope (which I really struggle with), patience, thanksgiving, and so many other lessons. For now, I will just have to let go of my frustration and learn to go with His flow. Someday I will be able to look back glad that life had all of the surprises He meant for me to experience.
Daily Thanksgiving: I do not have to work again until Sunday and work was not so bad that I outright quit... not yet. G-d keeps surprises for us so that we can learn a whole plethora of lessons with each of His provisions and blessings. Today I set up an interview for a job on campus for my work-study program. I interview on Friday and we will see if G-d wants me to work 2 jobs this next year. G-d is in control of life, which I am so grateful for because I mess mine up all the time and I'm not even the boss!
I was thinking about that on my way to work today. He allowed me to get into nursing school. Just a couple months ago I was asking for Him to tell me if I would get in or not. If He would have told me He would get me in, I probably wouldn't have worked so hard to pass the HESI with such a good score and I probably wouldn't have tried for all A's this last year. So, if He were to tell me when I would meet my husband and where, I would stop living and trusting Him to bring my husband and I together. Likewise, if I knew any of His future plans for me, and the time that He would fulfill those plans, I would stop doing anything because I know that His plans would be carried out. This is frustrating for me because I am nosy and like to have everything planned and understood. However, this is also very good because G-d is teaching me faith, trust, hope (which I really struggle with), patience, thanksgiving, and so many other lessons. For now, I will just have to let go of my frustration and learn to go with His flow. Someday I will be able to look back glad that life had all of the surprises He meant for me to experience.
Daily Thanksgiving: I do not have to work again until Sunday and work was not so bad that I outright quit... not yet. G-d keeps surprises for us so that we can learn a whole plethora of lessons with each of His provisions and blessings. Today I set up an interview for a job on campus for my work-study program. I interview on Friday and we will see if G-d wants me to work 2 jobs this next year. G-d is in control of life, which I am so grateful for because I mess mine up all the time and I'm not even the boss!
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