My Vision of a White Robe

In thinking about what I've written lately, I realized that I mentioned my vision of the White Robe but I never told you guys the story!!! Well, this simply cannot be!

As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, I've been attending a Bible study. In this Bible study, we were going through Beth Moore's new study The Quest.

Y'all, this study is INTENSE! From the first week, I felt like I was physically wrestling with G-d. I sobbed for the first several weeks, struggled with much of the study, and yet continued on in the pages. At the Bible study class, I would cry during the videos, in a room full of about a hundred other women (and I don't like to cry in front of others). And then in small group, the weeping continued.

I was having such a difficult time! Many of the women were going through the study with no problems. They interpreted the questions far differently than I did. While the women were wearing smiles and having an "aaaaaaaaaahhh!" *angels singing* experience, I was roundabout ready to burn the book and take up my torch and pitchfork. I couldn't figure out why some people read these black and white questions so differently than I did. While some were asking "where were you G-d?" in a nice, calm, voice. I was demanding "WHERE WERE YOU G-D???!!!???"

In the second or third week, we were going through prayer requests, and I requested that the group pray for my healing. Honestly, I didn't know what I wanted healing from. I felt this voice tell me to ask the women in my group to pray for healing. Well, with nothing to lose, and the encouragement of my counselor to find community and consider vulnerability, I asked them to pray for healing for me. They didn't pry much about healing from what, sensing that I didn't want to share, but they prayed for me. I don't know if they continued on through the next couple of weeks, and they didn't ask if healing had occurred when I showed up to bible study two weeks later. Nobody bridged the subject until I brought it up weeks and weeks later.

A couple of days later I was at church worshipping. I sat on the opposite side of the sanctuary than I normally sit. I had my eyes closed and wasn't singing because I didn't know the song. However, I recall it had something to do with forgiveness and being clothed in white. Since I wasn't singing, I took to pouring out my heart to G-d, interjecting the song into my prayers. Suddenly, I was prostrated... rather, in the fetal position, dressed in dark gray/black rags, and in the dark. Yeshua (Jesus) walked over to me and helped me up. then, in His hands, he held a pure white robe. He handed this to me and suddenly I was dressed in white. I was no longer dragged down by the shame, pain, and heaviness that has burdened my being for years. I was lighter. I was clean. I was forgiven.

I am forgiven.

Days later, I was working on my Bible study again, and it discussed one of the most important verses/scenes in the Bible to me since becoming Messianic. This portion of the Bible is where G-d comes to Peter in a vision in Acts 10, starting at verse 9. Peter was traveling (somewhere, I don't know where) and he was hungry. I imagine him being faint and probably either hangry, or so hungry that he's way past being hangry. Anyway, G-d shows him this vision of a blanket filled with tons of unkosher, unclean animals. Along with that, G-d tells Peter to "get up, kill, and eat". Peter almost loses it! He says "absolutely not!" (paraphrased). G-d tells Peter not to call anything unclean that which He has made clean (paraphrased from Acts 10:15 NIV). This conversation happens 3 times before the vision ends.

When learning Messianic traditions and views, this verse is used often. Some people use it to say that Gentiles and non-Jews are to be accepted and welcomed freely into the Jewish/Messianic faith. Others take it a little more literally and take it to mean that it's okay to eat bacon, lobster, and whatever other "un-kosher" foods they wish to eat. Others reference it when debating the need to circumcise males or not. For me, when G-d brought this verse back to my attention, it was a very real proclamation that I am clean, forgiven, accepted, and loved by the only One that can see my whole past and my whole heart and still proclaim true judgement over my life.

He calls me clean.

After the vision of my White Robe, I cried. I sobbed in the middle of worship. Those sitting next to me might have looked my way, but I didn't notice. They did give me weird glances when we all had to get to the weird meet-and-greet part of service that seems to be so common in churches between worship and the sermon. But I didn't even care because the junk that has plagued my life for most of my life has been forgiven and taken upon the L-rd. He took my burdens and replaced my heavy yolk with His own light one.

I've come to understand suffering. I know there is much more suffering in the world, much worse than mine. However, I understand feeling dirty, unacceptable, and unloveable. From struggles and troubles I've had my whole life, to the shame and guilt I experienced after all of my sexual abuse and best friend's incidence with me. In mere moments, a simple vision with Yeshua, He took it all away. I struggle with memories now, but it is nothing like living in the thick of suffering that I have been living in for so long. I literally feel lighter and not so run-down.

A week or two later, my counselor and I did a session of Healing Prayer. That too was intense. But that is a story for another post.

Much love,
BA