It's crazy to think that I'm at my one-year anniversary after my White Robe Vision.
For those who don't know what that means... A year ago I was in church singing along to the worship band. I had been struggling with anger, and depression, and aloneness, and everything that you can imagine someone would struggle with after mounds and mounds of trauma. To say that I was in a dark, scary place would be the understatement of a lifetime. I was singing, pleading with the L-rd for a miracle and for forgiveness when I had this image, a vision.
It was me in the fetal position, dressed in sackcloth with ashes and dirt covering me. I was sobbing. My view was as if I was standing watching myself in this dark but not scary space, but I also knew what it was like as the me that was on the floor sobbing. I don't know how I could be both, but I was.
Anyway, Yeshua (Jesus) walked over and helped me up. He handed me a pile of white clothes, a white robe. Instantly, I was dressed in white, holding His hand, and clean from head to toe. I knew in that moment that I was clean, forgiven, redeemed, and precious to the only One that truly matters. The weight that was literally suffocating me was lifted. I felt the physical sensation of being lighter and of being able to breathe. Tears, happy tears, were falling from my eyes and I was at peace for the first time in YEARS.
The high of this vision fueled my healing in counseling, my passion in bible study, and my joy in life. Since I was feeling better, much much better, I started EMDR. I don't know if I just got to the point in my "healing" where my brain started to process the anger and grief, or if it was because I was processing things in EMDR and therapy, but my joy was replaced by anger. Pure rage and grief and the darkest depression I have experienced in such a long time.
Not only was I battling the memories and nightmares that has stopped a short few months before, but I was suddenly from the highest high down in the my darkest pits. Even darker than I had just gotten out of! Suddenly the urges to start smoking again came back. The desire the slice my skin and jump on Tinder resurfaced. My prayers to not wake up in the morning or for me to die in some quick fashion started pouring from my heart again. My pleas for this life to be over or for me to wake up from this nightmare were back. The enormity of the betrayal I faced from ex-best friend hit me full-force. The horrors I survived and lived through hit me like a ton of bricks. My actions, reasons, and reactions all flooded into my memory boggling my mind with the crap that I've been through. Realizations of what my childhood was like, things I had forgotten were dredged up. Past hurts and scars and darkness all covered me at once. Crashing over me like tsunami-sized waves.
Now, after nearly 8 months, these waves are still skyscraper high, but I've sunk to the bottom of the ocean floor where the waves can't effect me so much because my brain has gone blank. I have a vague recollection that bad things have happened. A small understanding that I am hurt and have been damaged mocks me in the early hours when I wake up, or in the moments before I fall asleep. My heart squeezes and heat rises as my brain recalls the nightmares that I just had throughout my sleep were real events that happened. Anger overwhelms me and forces me from bed to try to go find some mind-numbing entertainment from the boob-tube.
I want to believe G-d has good in store. My heart craves the day when my life is redeemed and I maybe see some fruit that the sh!t that I *unfortunately* survived is going to be worth something to someone. Surely there is a reason behind the suffering. Surely there is a way that this can be helpful for something. Surely my life, my experiences, my pain and sorrow will not be a waste!
It's crazy to think that a year ago would start the roller-coaster that has been this past year. To go from so passionate and on fire for the L-rd, to questioning His beneficence towards me. Hope was replaced with rage and ecstatic joy was replaced with soul wrenching despair. My new found zest for life was, again, brought into the deepest of me begging for my life to end.
I'd like to say that my life is back to me being excited and on fire for the L-rd. I wish I could tell you all that life got back to smooth sailing, that I am happy and excited again and that I finished out the year with minimal lasting pain. Well, I could, but that would be a lie. Just when I started to think I was on the mend, my story would be used for goodness and I might be needed in this world after-all, I was knocked down again. Knocked down by someone who was supposed to be a mentor, a leader, a helper in the faith. At that point, the hits kept coming from every side. I confided in her about some recent family wounds and that was used against me, as ammo for the attacks. Ex-best friend joined in the attacks, people from work, patients, family, and anyone else that was in close proximity to me. They ganged up, at the enemies command, and I was bombarded by the tsunami waves that I thought I was avoiding by remaining on the ocean floor. There's no escape though.
Here, looking back on my year, I'm proud of myself for not falling back into self harm, not succumbing to the craving for a cigarette, and for not putting myself back onto Tinder. I fought like hell to still show up, to try to be as present as possible, and to put myself out there for others. I'm working harder than ever to find some good, some purpose, and some meaning in my suffering and loneliness. I am searching for hope and belonging somewhere. But I don't belong here. I don't belong on this earth. I will forever be a stranger, a loner, wandering along on this blue rotating rock. This is not my home. This is not where I will make sense. This is not where the answers will be found, where I am redeemed, or where my purpose lies.
My heart is so tired. My soul is weary. I don't know how much longer I can hold out here.
My anniversary of one of the most powerful gifts the L-rd has every given me is marked by a season of such despair and difficulty that I'm sent back into the pits of existence when I desperately desire to no longer exist. How can this be? It doesn't make sense!
Showing posts with label White Robe. Show all posts
Showing posts with label White Robe. Show all posts
Sunday, January 27, 2019
Wednesday, March 28, 2018
My Session of Healing Prayer
As mentioned, my counselor lead me through a session of Healing Prayer. At first, it was really difficult. I felt my mind go blank and I couldn't go anywhere.
Eventually, though, G-d brought me to my NICU in Small Town. The NICU where I find such comfort, such joy, such realization of my dream to care for babies coming true. I absolutely loved this NICU when I was there and I miss it so much!
Anyway, I was there, standing at the entrance to one of the NICU bays. I didn't go in, there was no baby there, but I was comfortable.
Then He then brought me to a dark place. There were no walls, it wasn't pitch black, and I was not scared. I was just there sitting with my eyes closed, still not scared. When my vision came back a little, I could see myself sitting there, in Yeshua's lap as a little child, and he was simply rocking me. My eyes were closed, I was comfortable. His eyes were closed, and His face was so serene and peaceful.
I remembered my time spent in the nursery at church, with the little 1-2 years olds, and little 3 year olds that experienced so much separation anxiety. I remember helping to start with a church startup. I worked the childcare, of course, as my whole life had prepared me for. I worked with the nursery of children up to 1 year old, and then the next class of children going up to about 3 years old. With each week, I learned the children's personalities, and how to help them the best. I remember this one little boy who rarely stayed in the class, because he would cry so hard that we would have to call his mom back most weeks within 10-15 minutes of him being dropped off. Week after week, I tried my best to pull out all of my tricks to comfort him, and then some. I wrote little sheets to help other volunteers know what tricks worked best with each child. Thinking back, I was writing up careplans at the age of 16, before I ever knew what a careplan was. Now it just seems to make sense to me, having been through nursing school and working as a nurse for the last couple of years.
This particular little boy finally settled down one day, in my arms. I sat with him, on my lap, with my hand bringing his head to my chest. I "shhhhhhh" over and over, while my hand supported the area around his sweet little ear. Eventually, he calmed down. I released my grip and he brought my hand back to the side of his face, to resume the comforting pressure.
When I saw myself sitting in Yeshua's lap, He was supporting my little face against His chest in this fashion. Finally, after being the comforter for so many babies, children, friends, and others, I was finally being comforted by The Comforter. I was supported, protected, cherished, and a source of joy for the One who loves me, made me, and has walked with me my whole life.
Shortly after, I saw myself with Him in an open field. I was a child, in a white dress, dancing and enjoying my time in a field of little white flowers. I spent time dancing around with Him and other time laying in the soft grass enjoying the warmth and peace of His presence. Everything was bright and beautiful and clean. I was white and pure and innocent. I was loved and secure in my knowledge that I am loved. I was joyful and able to enjoy time being carefree without a care in the world.
I thanked Him for my time with Him, for Him showing up to be with me, and for what He's shown me. I thanked Him for all of the healing He brought about in such a short period of time and for the joy He's reinstated in my life so quickly.
I still tear up at the memories of the White Robe and what He did for me in the Healing Prayer session. I had never experienced visions before, and I truly believe that is what I experienced in these moments.
Eventually, though, G-d brought me to my NICU in Small Town. The NICU where I find such comfort, such joy, such realization of my dream to care for babies coming true. I absolutely loved this NICU when I was there and I miss it so much!
Anyway, I was there, standing at the entrance to one of the NICU bays. I didn't go in, there was no baby there, but I was comfortable.
Then He then brought me to a dark place. There were no walls, it wasn't pitch black, and I was not scared. I was just there sitting with my eyes closed, still not scared. When my vision came back a little, I could see myself sitting there, in Yeshua's lap as a little child, and he was simply rocking me. My eyes were closed, I was comfortable. His eyes were closed, and His face was so serene and peaceful.
I remembered my time spent in the nursery at church, with the little 1-2 years olds, and little 3 year olds that experienced so much separation anxiety. I remember helping to start with a church startup. I worked the childcare, of course, as my whole life had prepared me for. I worked with the nursery of children up to 1 year old, and then the next class of children going up to about 3 years old. With each week, I learned the children's personalities, and how to help them the best. I remember this one little boy who rarely stayed in the class, because he would cry so hard that we would have to call his mom back most weeks within 10-15 minutes of him being dropped off. Week after week, I tried my best to pull out all of my tricks to comfort him, and then some. I wrote little sheets to help other volunteers know what tricks worked best with each child. Thinking back, I was writing up careplans at the age of 16, before I ever knew what a careplan was. Now it just seems to make sense to me, having been through nursing school and working as a nurse for the last couple of years.
This particular little boy finally settled down one day, in my arms. I sat with him, on my lap, with my hand bringing his head to my chest. I "shhhhhhh" over and over, while my hand supported the area around his sweet little ear. Eventually, he calmed down. I released my grip and he brought my hand back to the side of his face, to resume the comforting pressure.
When I saw myself sitting in Yeshua's lap, He was supporting my little face against His chest in this fashion. Finally, after being the comforter for so many babies, children, friends, and others, I was finally being comforted by The Comforter. I was supported, protected, cherished, and a source of joy for the One who loves me, made me, and has walked with me my whole life.
Shortly after, I saw myself with Him in an open field. I was a child, in a white dress, dancing and enjoying my time in a field of little white flowers. I spent time dancing around with Him and other time laying in the soft grass enjoying the warmth and peace of His presence. Everything was bright and beautiful and clean. I was white and pure and innocent. I was loved and secure in my knowledge that I am loved. I was joyful and able to enjoy time being carefree without a care in the world.
I thanked Him for my time with Him, for Him showing up to be with me, and for what He's shown me. I thanked Him for all of the healing He brought about in such a short period of time and for the joy He's reinstated in my life so quickly.
I still tear up at the memories of the White Robe and what He did for me in the Healing Prayer session. I had never experienced visions before, and I truly believe that is what I experienced in these moments.
My Vision of a White Robe
In thinking about what I've written lately, I realized that I mentioned my vision of the White Robe but I never told you guys the story!!! Well, this simply cannot be!
As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, I've been attending a Bible study. In this Bible study, we were going through Beth Moore's new study The Quest.
Y'all, this study is INTENSE! From the first week, I felt like I was physically wrestling with G-d. I sobbed for the first several weeks, struggled with much of the study, and yet continued on in the pages. At the Bible study class, I would cry during the videos, in a room full of about a hundred other women (and I don't like to cry in front of others). And then in small group, the weeping continued.
I was having such a difficult time! Many of the women were going through the study with no problems. They interpreted the questions far differently than I did. While the women were wearing smiles and having an "aaaaaaaaaahhh!" *angels singing* experience, I was roundabout ready to burn the book and take up my torch and pitchfork. I couldn't figure out why some people read these black and white questions so differently than I did. While some were asking "where were you G-d?" in a nice, calm, voice. I was demanding "WHERE WERE YOU G-D???!!!???"
In the second or third week, we were going through prayer requests, and I requested that the group pray for my healing. Honestly, I didn't know what I wanted healing from. I felt this voice tell me to ask the women in my group to pray for healing. Well, with nothing to lose, and the encouragement of my counselor to find community and consider vulnerability, I asked them to pray for healing for me. They didn't pry much about healing from what, sensing that I didn't want to share, but they prayed for me. I don't know if they continued on through the next couple of weeks, and they didn't ask if healing had occurred when I showed up to bible study two weeks later. Nobody bridged the subject until I brought it up weeks and weeks later.
A couple of days later I was at church worshipping. I sat on the opposite side of the sanctuary than I normally sit. I had my eyes closed and wasn't singing because I didn't know the song. However, I recall it had something to do with forgiveness and being clothed in white. Since I wasn't singing, I took to pouring out my heart to G-d, interjecting the song into my prayers. Suddenly, I was prostrated... rather, in the fetal position, dressed in dark gray/black rags, and in the dark. Yeshua (Jesus) walked over to me and helped me up. then, in His hands, he held a pure white robe. He handed this to me and suddenly I was dressed in white. I was no longer dragged down by the shame, pain, and heaviness that has burdened my being for years. I was lighter. I was clean. I was forgiven.
I am forgiven.
Days later, I was working on my Bible study again, and it discussed one of the most important verses/scenes in the Bible to me since becoming Messianic. This portion of the Bible is where G-d comes to Peter in a vision in Acts 10, starting at verse 9. Peter was traveling (somewhere, I don't know where) and he was hungry. I imagine him being faint and probably either hangry, or so hungry that he's way past being hangry. Anyway, G-d shows him this vision of a blanket filled with tons of unkosher, unclean animals. Along with that, G-d tells Peter to "get up, kill, and eat". Peter almost loses it! He says "absolutely not!" (paraphrased). G-d tells Peter not to call anything unclean that which He has made clean (paraphrased from Acts 10:15 NIV). This conversation happens 3 times before the vision ends.
When learning Messianic traditions and views, this verse is used often. Some people use it to say that Gentiles and non-Jews are to be accepted and welcomed freely into the Jewish/Messianic faith. Others take it a little more literally and take it to mean that it's okay to eat bacon, lobster, and whatever other "un-kosher" foods they wish to eat. Others reference it when debating the need to circumcise males or not. For me, when G-d brought this verse back to my attention, it was a very real proclamation that I am clean, forgiven, accepted, and loved by the only One that can see my whole past and my whole heart and still proclaim true judgement over my life.
He calls me clean.
After the vision of my White Robe, I cried. I sobbed in the middle of worship. Those sitting next to me might have looked my way, but I didn't notice. They did give me weird glances when we all had to get to the weird meet-and-greet part of service that seems to be so common in churches between worship and the sermon. But I didn't even care because the junk that has plagued my life for most of my life has been forgiven and taken upon the L-rd. He took my burdens and replaced my heavy yolk with His own light one.
I've come to understand suffering. I know there is much more suffering in the world, much worse than mine. However, I understand feeling dirty, unacceptable, and unloveable. From struggles and troubles I've had my whole life, to the shame and guilt I experienced after all of my sexual abuse and best friend's incidence with me. In mere moments, a simple vision with Yeshua, He took it all away. I struggle with memories now, but it is nothing like living in the thick of suffering that I have been living in for so long. I literally feel lighter and not so run-down.
A week or two later, my counselor and I did a session of Healing Prayer. That too was intense. But that is a story for another post.
Much love,
BA
As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, I've been attending a Bible study. In this Bible study, we were going through Beth Moore's new study The Quest.
Y'all, this study is INTENSE! From the first week, I felt like I was physically wrestling with G-d. I sobbed for the first several weeks, struggled with much of the study, and yet continued on in the pages. At the Bible study class, I would cry during the videos, in a room full of about a hundred other women (and I don't like to cry in front of others). And then in small group, the weeping continued.
I was having such a difficult time! Many of the women were going through the study with no problems. They interpreted the questions far differently than I did. While the women were wearing smiles and having an "aaaaaaaaaahhh!" *angels singing* experience, I was roundabout ready to burn the book and take up my torch and pitchfork. I couldn't figure out why some people read these black and white questions so differently than I did. While some were asking "where were you G-d?" in a nice, calm, voice. I was demanding "WHERE WERE YOU G-D???!!!???"
In the second or third week, we were going through prayer requests, and I requested that the group pray for my healing. Honestly, I didn't know what I wanted healing from. I felt this voice tell me to ask the women in my group to pray for healing. Well, with nothing to lose, and the encouragement of my counselor to find community and consider vulnerability, I asked them to pray for healing for me. They didn't pry much about healing from what, sensing that I didn't want to share, but they prayed for me. I don't know if they continued on through the next couple of weeks, and they didn't ask if healing had occurred when I showed up to bible study two weeks later. Nobody bridged the subject until I brought it up weeks and weeks later.
A couple of days later I was at church worshipping. I sat on the opposite side of the sanctuary than I normally sit. I had my eyes closed and wasn't singing because I didn't know the song. However, I recall it had something to do with forgiveness and being clothed in white. Since I wasn't singing, I took to pouring out my heart to G-d, interjecting the song into my prayers. Suddenly, I was prostrated... rather, in the fetal position, dressed in dark gray/black rags, and in the dark. Yeshua (Jesus) walked over to me and helped me up. then, in His hands, he held a pure white robe. He handed this to me and suddenly I was dressed in white. I was no longer dragged down by the shame, pain, and heaviness that has burdened my being for years. I was lighter. I was clean. I was forgiven.
I am forgiven.
Days later, I was working on my Bible study again, and it discussed one of the most important verses/scenes in the Bible to me since becoming Messianic. This portion of the Bible is where G-d comes to Peter in a vision in Acts 10, starting at verse 9. Peter was traveling (somewhere, I don't know where) and he was hungry. I imagine him being faint and probably either hangry, or so hungry that he's way past being hangry. Anyway, G-d shows him this vision of a blanket filled with tons of unkosher, unclean animals. Along with that, G-d tells Peter to "get up, kill, and eat". Peter almost loses it! He says "absolutely not!" (paraphrased). G-d tells Peter not to call anything unclean that which He has made clean (paraphrased from Acts 10:15 NIV). This conversation happens 3 times before the vision ends.
When learning Messianic traditions and views, this verse is used often. Some people use it to say that Gentiles and non-Jews are to be accepted and welcomed freely into the Jewish/Messianic faith. Others take it a little more literally and take it to mean that it's okay to eat bacon, lobster, and whatever other "un-kosher" foods they wish to eat. Others reference it when debating the need to circumcise males or not. For me, when G-d brought this verse back to my attention, it was a very real proclamation that I am clean, forgiven, accepted, and loved by the only One that can see my whole past and my whole heart and still proclaim true judgement over my life.
He calls me clean.
After the vision of my White Robe, I cried. I sobbed in the middle of worship. Those sitting next to me might have looked my way, but I didn't notice. They did give me weird glances when we all had to get to the weird meet-and-greet part of service that seems to be so common in churches between worship and the sermon. But I didn't even care because the junk that has plagued my life for most of my life has been forgiven and taken upon the L-rd. He took my burdens and replaced my heavy yolk with His own light one.
I've come to understand suffering. I know there is much more suffering in the world, much worse than mine. However, I understand feeling dirty, unacceptable, and unloveable. From struggles and troubles I've had my whole life, to the shame and guilt I experienced after all of my sexual abuse and best friend's incidence with me. In mere moments, a simple vision with Yeshua, He took it all away. I struggle with memories now, but it is nothing like living in the thick of suffering that I have been living in for so long. I literally feel lighter and not so run-down.
A week or two later, my counselor and I did a session of Healing Prayer. That too was intense. But that is a story for another post.
Much love,
BA
Friday, March 16, 2018
Sharing My Story
This is not the post where I will share my story. However, I am recounting to you, how I did share it... yesterday.
Every Thursday, I go to bible study at a local church. This is not the church I regularly attend, but it is one I have tried a couple times through college, and so I am not afraid to go, I'm just not a regular. A few months ago, I decided I wanted to start going to a bible study, and I searched many churches in town. This particular church was going to be starting a fresh "semester" in a few weeks and I knew that many of the ladies I work with went there. So, I started asking around and one lady from work told me she had been thinking about going to this study. We agreed to start together and it's been wonderful! She and I are not in the same small group within the bible study, and that is okay. It's nice just knowing that she is there and to be able to see her every once in a while.
Last week, during bible study, I felt that G-d was speaking to me that I would be sharing my story this week. Yes, I scoffed at Him a little bit, but I also told Him that if He would lead me and give me the words, I would go. If you have read a few posts ago, I felt as though G-d has been telling me to get ready to begin sharing it. I, of course, met Him with questions and slight trepidation that He won't just tell me when, where, how, who, or what. Alas, that is not how He often operates with me.
This week, I was sitting through the video and, again, clear as day I heard Him tell me I was going to share "today" (that was yesterday). The video ended, we broke into our small groups, and we shared prayer requests and prayed, as usual. When we got to talking about this week's study, one lady (who I have so appreciated because she shared her story with us) began to talk about this week's study and what it has meant to her. Then He told me to share. It was related to what she was talking about, so I branched off of that. I began talking, my lip started to quiver, tears filled my eyes, but I kept talking. As I continued, I began to cry, which I have a very difficult time doing in front of others, but I continued on. When I finished (I only talked for less than 5 minutes), I was all but sobbing and the leader of the group and the lady that I have come to so appreciate for her story, they both came up and hugged me. Of course, this lead to more crying, the kind where you can't breathe anymore.
When I came to and got better use of my vision, I noticed many of the women were crying right along with me. They were hurting for the pain I've been experiencing for so long. They were hurting for a young lady, with so much life before her, having been hurt at a fairly young age. They encouraged me, thanked me for sharing, and praised the L-rd that when they came together and asked for healing for me several week prior, that He answered the prayers so immediately and I was now able to share with them the results. I was able to share with them my vision of the White Robe and the verse when G-d told Peter to kill and eat. Peter resisted, because these animals were un-kosher and "unclean". 3 times G-d told him to eat, and 3 times Peter resisted. Then, G-d told Peter to "not call unclean, that which I have called clean." This scene also came to my mind, with the White Robe vision, and I finally accepted that I have been made clean. That I have been forgiven. That I am untarnished, not wasted, and more precious than anyone could ever understand, to the One who made me and continues to carry me.
After telling my story (in very little detail, mostly just that I have been abused and have C-PTSD), these women I have come to care for so deeply (at an arms length, of course) did not shun me, forsake me, nor break my heart with faces that showed their broken hearts. Instead, I saw in them a sense of understanding in my bible study responses and prayer requests, as well as an appreciation for how far I have come in such a short time. They watched me go from reserved, to angry, to struggling internally, to excited at sudden healing, to now. Now, I am in a place of battle, but much less wearisome. I am in a place where I am hearing G-d speak so clearly to me, that I need to share and help other girls, ladies, women, people, through the turbulence of surviving sexual assault and abuse. I don't know how, who, where, when, or what, but I know that I have been called clearly.
This is the first time, since I was in middle school and committed myself to G-d, that I have been able to hear Him this clearly. I don't want this to stop. I feel like I have had ear plugs in for year and I could hear Him faintly, but now I've taken them out and can hear Him so much better. Praise the L-rd.
'Til next time, friends.
Every Thursday, I go to bible study at a local church. This is not the church I regularly attend, but it is one I have tried a couple times through college, and so I am not afraid to go, I'm just not a regular. A few months ago, I decided I wanted to start going to a bible study, and I searched many churches in town. This particular church was going to be starting a fresh "semester" in a few weeks and I knew that many of the ladies I work with went there. So, I started asking around and one lady from work told me she had been thinking about going to this study. We agreed to start together and it's been wonderful! She and I are not in the same small group within the bible study, and that is okay. It's nice just knowing that she is there and to be able to see her every once in a while.
Last week, during bible study, I felt that G-d was speaking to me that I would be sharing my story this week. Yes, I scoffed at Him a little bit, but I also told Him that if He would lead me and give me the words, I would go. If you have read a few posts ago, I felt as though G-d has been telling me to get ready to begin sharing it. I, of course, met Him with questions and slight trepidation that He won't just tell me when, where, how, who, or what. Alas, that is not how He often operates with me.
This week, I was sitting through the video and, again, clear as day I heard Him tell me I was going to share "today" (that was yesterday). The video ended, we broke into our small groups, and we shared prayer requests and prayed, as usual. When we got to talking about this week's study, one lady (who I have so appreciated because she shared her story with us) began to talk about this week's study and what it has meant to her. Then He told me to share. It was related to what she was talking about, so I branched off of that. I began talking, my lip started to quiver, tears filled my eyes, but I kept talking. As I continued, I began to cry, which I have a very difficult time doing in front of others, but I continued on. When I finished (I only talked for less than 5 minutes), I was all but sobbing and the leader of the group and the lady that I have come to so appreciate for her story, they both came up and hugged me. Of course, this lead to more crying, the kind where you can't breathe anymore.
When I came to and got better use of my vision, I noticed many of the women were crying right along with me. They were hurting for the pain I've been experiencing for so long. They were hurting for a young lady, with so much life before her, having been hurt at a fairly young age. They encouraged me, thanked me for sharing, and praised the L-rd that when they came together and asked for healing for me several week prior, that He answered the prayers so immediately and I was now able to share with them the results. I was able to share with them my vision of the White Robe and the verse when G-d told Peter to kill and eat. Peter resisted, because these animals were un-kosher and "unclean". 3 times G-d told him to eat, and 3 times Peter resisted. Then, G-d told Peter to "not call unclean, that which I have called clean." This scene also came to my mind, with the White Robe vision, and I finally accepted that I have been made clean. That I have been forgiven. That I am untarnished, not wasted, and more precious than anyone could ever understand, to the One who made me and continues to carry me.
After telling my story (in very little detail, mostly just that I have been abused and have C-PTSD), these women I have come to care for so deeply (at an arms length, of course) did not shun me, forsake me, nor break my heart with faces that showed their broken hearts. Instead, I saw in them a sense of understanding in my bible study responses and prayer requests, as well as an appreciation for how far I have come in such a short time. They watched me go from reserved, to angry, to struggling internally, to excited at sudden healing, to now. Now, I am in a place of battle, but much less wearisome. I am in a place where I am hearing G-d speak so clearly to me, that I need to share and help other girls, ladies, women, people, through the turbulence of surviving sexual assault and abuse. I don't know how, who, where, when, or what, but I know that I have been called clearly.
This is the first time, since I was in middle school and committed myself to G-d, that I have been able to hear Him this clearly. I don't want this to stop. I feel like I have had ear plugs in for year and I could hear Him faintly, but now I've taken them out and can hear Him so much better. Praise the L-rd.
'Til next time, friends.
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