Sunday, February 18, 2018

Some Push to Know "My Story"

In the last week, I have been slapped in the face, by G-d, several times to get my story figured out. There have been somewhere around 5 or more times that this has come up in this last week. I kid you not!

  1. Group therapy
  2. Individual counseling
  3. Bible study (several times over 3 week's worth of lessons, but I was behind on these particular lessons until just now... like G-d planned me being late on completing them or something...)
  4. Church service last night
  5. My "fun" fictional reading book about Ruth and Boaz
I know there have been other instances, but I cannot figure them out right now.


My story. The reason for the Hope that I have in the L-rd. Why I keep going. 

But who am I going to tell? What is it that they need to hear from it? What is supposed to be used for someone else? It seems so many people around me are sharing their stories in a sentence or two. Am I supposed to keep it that short? Am I supposed to talk of Country Boy's suicide? Of what my childhood was like? How long is it supposed to be? Are we doing the G rated version or something a little more PG to PG-13. Obviously not with too many details, but I can tune those down while painting a picture for people. What audience am I writing for? How many people are there? How old are they? Do we want them to despise the male gender? Do I have to share about exBest Friend's crap? How long or short is it supposed to be ???!!!??? I NEED A RUBRIC AND SPECIFICATIONS!!!

I'm working on it folks. Stay tuned.

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Low Pressure System = Raining Babies

I went to a hot springs resort for a few days with my mom and brother about 2 weeks ago. Everything at work was fine before work, but when I started back with labor and delivery... the unit broke. We had so many emergency situations, babies that were not at all tolerating labor, and excessive amounts of blood. Of the last 8 days, I worked 7 and most of those were spent with me stressing over the moms and babies around me. I don't know what happened!!!

We had a low pressure system/pretty bad snowstorm role in and had 6 deliveries in one night and 3 as soon as shift change was complete in the morning. An emergency c section nearly every night and sometimes 2. We had several OB hemorrhages and even bleeding moms come back into the hospital from being at home.

This was my week and I'm so glad it is starting to simmer down for the patients. Now we just have to deal with our staff being sick and recovering from this ridiculous flu that has taken over everybody.

Meanwhile, I've felt so much lighter in my person struggles with sexual assault and trauma, plus the bullshit exBest Friend pulled.

I texted him, because he had been on my heart for awhile, but that ended quickly. He started making jokes about "doing it again" and saying it was a "fun night". Utter betrayal. I guess I was hoping for understanding, for support, for anything of what I though he had been. I needed the guy that drove me to the police station and waited in the lobby for 5 hours. I needed the friend that fought so hard to make me feel better and helped me to study when freshman year of college was getting to be too much.

I don't understand how I held out for his friendship for so long. I've struggled for so long with the way that he's treated me, and others, and his philosophies of life. He was never abusive or mean, but he definitely expected others to take care of him, even though he's a grown ass adult. He's one of those people for other people having millions of dollars, and he wants to live the rich life, but he's not about to go work a different job where he can work up the ladder. Nor would he want to work anything more than his max of 8-4 or 9-5, but let's be real here, he gets out a few hours early every day because he's salary. Then he expected me to make time, out of working 2 night shift jobs with shifts of 12 hours (so essentially, he wanted me to sleep a mere 4 hours a day for 6-7 days of the week). Plus, I was supposed to pay for me and/or him, when we went out places.

Moral of the story, it's been rough because I miss what life used to be, but I must have been delusional about what kind of friendship we had. Think about it, he only hung out with me because he wanted to date me. It's impressive to keep that crap going for over 5 years, but it helped that the crush took a little while to develop in college, and in nursing school, I didn't see him much. Then he had a long term girlfriend. So, what was our friendship anyway?

Lately, between my support group, personal counseling, bible study, and various other places, it seems as though I need to share my story. I'm trying to be articulate about what has happened, but more than the trauma, I was to articulate what G-d has done to get me through. I feel like I've come further in my healing in the past couple of weeks, after weeks of hardcore, constant wrestling with G-d. The yelling at Him; crying, scratch that, sobbing so hard that I couldn't breathe; and otherwise wracking my brain and demanding He tell me why things happened to me the way that they did. Begging Him for peace and comfort and help. I'm still working on some stuff, and He's still showing me things and working on me too. It'll take the rest of my life, but for the first time since Country Boy died, I feel like I can breathe. I feel like I am now being challenged to know and be able to explain why I have the hope and faith in G-d that I do, despite what's happened.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Open Letter to Best Friend

Dear Best Friend,

I recently texted you after 3 months of not talking (my decision). The text was a looooooong apology. I apologized for mixed signals, not sticking to my boundaries, for not being a good friend when you've been so supportive in the past. I told you I have missed you and I have missed having my "best friend" around in a time of great need. The apologies were many, and long, and heartfelt.

What did you text back? You told me you didn't know what to say but that you've missed me too. Then, you gave me a rundown of your last 3 months of life.

I can appreciate that. I can understand wanting to move on and pretend like nothing happened. I get it, I'm not dumb. Plus, I know how guys work and how your brain works because I've studied guys and I know you. I've been around you and talking with you about the deep things of life for 5+ years. I figured you out. You tell me that all the time.

You then proceeded to make jokes and say "we should do it again" and referred to it as "a night of fun". That's when I went from disappointed that you didn't feel the need to acknowledge my pain from the apologies, to beyond angry and my blood went boiling. You had the nerve to shove it in my face that something that has caused me so much pain did, in fact, happen. And then you're going to minimize it and make me feel cheap by calling it a "night of fun" and say that we should "do it again" since we probably won't have a friendship the way we had before.

Fuck you.

I cried in your car. I have explained to you how much this hurt me. I have told you that I don't remember a cursed thing about that night and that I was upset with the decisions you made against my wished and my plans. And you want to make jokes at my expense and expect me to not be upset?!? No. No. No. No. NO.

I don't know why I feel the need to apologize over and over. I don't understand it myself. Probably some disfunction that I also feel the need to compulsively apologize for.

When you begin texting me, like nothing has changed, and I come up with the idea that we stop talking again, don't be surprised. Don't be upset, don't expect anything less. There's a good chance I'm just going to block you again without saying anything. I've tried the friends thing. I've tried to move on, and you make jokes at my expense. You ignored my boundaries. You continued to push me after I was already crying, hyperventilating, and freaking out. It was enough to even freak you out. You took advantage of someone who you knew was already hurting and who had been very clear. You broke my very fragile trust and then decided that I am not worth the dirt on your shoes. I mean nothing to you. I can take the hint.

Foolish me believed that you had my best interest in mind. I was dumb enough to believe that I could forgive and move past and that you would be sensitive to my hurting that I fucking spelled out for you.

Man alive, I'm such an idiot sometimes.

I hope you have a nice life.

A girl trying to allow G-d to make Beauty from these Ashes

Thursday, January 11, 2018

Over It.

This last week I had a meeting with my NICU manager. They call it a 90 day check-in... It's not meant to critique me, instead, it's a way for HR to say that they are trying to retain staff.

Boy, I am betting my manager was wishing I never came in. I let her know how unhappy I am, how difficult it is to come in to work and be given shit assignments. Every. Night. And how frustrated I am that others are being oriented to vents before me and they were hired after me. I don't know why I bother going over these things with her. I should just tell her everything's fine and I quit. But, the only thing I hold onto in my life is working on standing up for myself and documenting the troubles I encounter. It helped me through the crappy relationships, through school, through the troubles I experienced in Small Town. Documentation is all I have. So, I chose to let her have it. Tell her most of my grievances and explain why she will continue to lose mass amounts of staff over and over.

Yesterday morning I got yelled at by "Stinky-Poo Doctor". That's what I'll call him. I got the name from my counselor who has heard ALL about him. He yelled at me because I had to wait for an epidural. By the time the pt was ready for the epidural and I call anesthesia, another nurse on the floor called and asked if she could steal the anesthesiologist because her mama was an 8 (cm) while mine was 1 cm. I agreed, not knowing Stinky-Poo Doc was waiting out at the nurse's station for her. So he called from the nurse's station and yelled at me! Before letting me talk, he slammed the phone down. and immediately called back to tell me not to page him. "Okay" came out a little too happy (I'm so over his shit.) So he slammed the phone back down and I didn't see him the rest of the day.

I get that he's busy. I understand that he has meetings and stuff to do as a doctor, but he never made a plan with me to come in and check her in 30 minutes or a plan to put in an IUPC at a certain time. So why is he calling me, yelling at me for not having him come in to see her and do all these dumb things if he never told me he was going to? And he saw anesthesia come by and then go into the other room. I get that he didn't know the story, but I'm not going to try to fight with him on these things. He's going to think I'm making excuses and he wouldn't care anyway. That's just how he is.

Regardless, I am so sick of having to work with him. I would have quit right on the spot if I could. But it wouldn't do anything. He wouldn't get reprimanded. He wouldn't be chastised or change in any way. People have let him go along and bully everyone for so long that he knows he can just get away with it. I wish I could report him somehow, but there's nothing I can do. His aggression and moodiness makes work unbearable. I don't want to take his patients, I don't want to work when he is the in-house OB, I don't want to ever see him again IN MY LIFE. My fear is that other doctors will be like this if I were to move somewhere else.

I just don't understand why they are allowed to be such assholes and so persnickety and so ridiculous. We bend over backwards to make sure the doctors at this hospital have their exact gloves and choice of "checking fluid" (I hate using the word lube) and everything just right for them. I floated to our sister hospital in town and those doctors get their own gloves out of the delivery cart! They ask you when it would be a good time for them to break their waters so that it doesn't make too much work at the end of your shift. They believe us when we believe something is wrong or when we need help. They discuss things with you and don't start yelling at the nurses for stupid shit. I don't understand how our doctors have been able to get away with so much for so long that they think us nurses are their slaves. I really don't get it.

Then, a few hours after work, when I was in the middle of my ACLS course, I got a text from the day shift charge that I didn't chart on 30 minutes of fetal monitoring strip for the induction that came in 30 minutes late, while I was doing an epidural on my other lady (after the yelling). Between being overwhelmed with a 0530 induction that was late, and a pt who waited until 0530 to want her epidural, and stinking grumpy doctors, and and and. Plus I needed to get out of report and get to the other side of town for this stupid certification class. UGH!!! So, I missed a section of strip. 1 little bit of charting that I needed to do and I forgot. Of course it's on the day when the most nitpicky charge nurse is on who gets in everyone's face if you don't do things the way she does things.

So over it.

On days when I get overwhelmed, I have this scary daydream about having a central line and just letting it drain. Let it be placed, don't hook it up to any fluids or cap it off, and just let me drain slowly until I go to sleep and then eventually just go away. Part of me wants to know if the people who rag on me constantly would even care, but most of me wouldn't want to put my family through that. Honestly, I don't think the doctor would care if he knew that I quit or died because of how ridiculous he is. The charge nurse wouldn't care. But my family would be heartbroken. I'm not going to do it. I won't hurt myself. I think I just get so overwhelmed and see no way out of the stress, that it seems like it would be nice to not be here and going through it anymore.

I hope y'alls week is going much better. I'm gonna go try to sleep again.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

"Why did you stay?"

This is a question I've been asked many, many times when people hear even a smidge of my stories.

With exboyfriend, the police, detective, and my first counselor asked why I stayed the weekend after his first assault.

With exfiance, I've been much more secretive about my time with him, because I've already lost so many people because of him. I've learned to be alone and find contentment in being single, independent, and doing things solely by myself.

Last week, my counselor noted that I've been dissociated for the past few weeks, even in counseling. So, she asked me to talk about exfiance. My mind went blank (dissociation). I asked her what I should talk about and she began asking me basic questions. How did we meet? What was he like? How did it all start? Why did I let him hurt me so many times? Why did I not leave after his first assault like I did with exboyfriend? etc. etc. etc.

I was overcome with anger at being challenged, especially by someone who I had come to know synonymously with comfort and support. Tears were freely flowing at this point, though I had gotten through most of the questions with not an ounce of emotion while recalling our history and how it all started. However, the tears were spilling out like a fire hydrant when we got to the point of asking me why I stayed and let him to continue hurting me. In full defensiveness, I told her what I figured she already knew, "it's not that easy to just walk away, he wouldn't let me go".

It's true. Thus the restraining order attempt. He monopolized all my time from day 1, called and texted constantly, built me up for a few weeks, maybe a couple months, then he started the cycle of breaking me down and guilting me into staying. He brainwashed me, manipulated me to the umpteenth degree, tried to convince me I was nothing (and succeeded, for a little while). When I tried to leave, he told me he would go drive his truck into a tree because he couldn't imagine life without me. He played on all of my past traumas, to fully cement in my head that I was stuck.

Stuck with him. Stuck in an engagement, and eventual marriage, that was all a sham and started as pacification after the first assault. Stuck in abuse, convinced that that was simply my lot in life.

With this, I was introduced to the idea that I have no friends through this abuse because I was a terrible friend in the midst of it. For the 2 friends I trusted, I unloaded far too much information because I had nobody else to talk to. Then, when they stopped talking to me, it made no sense to me. But, after putting two and two together, I realized that it had been a pattern leading up to college that people simply came into my life for a time and promptly left. So, I thought nothing of it when this happened again amidst the trauma. I decided, purposely, to learn how to live without friends. Learn how to be alone and go out and do fun things alone and finish nursing school alone. I decided to stop getting hurt.

Unfortunately, this left me alone with exfiance.

The way my brain works is truly troubling. It shuts down and I can't communicate. You can ask me questions and if the answers cannot be a simple "yes" or "no", then it will be "I don't know". In truth I do know, but I need time to process. Time to write it out. Time to work my way through the dissociation to a point of being able to communicate and think again.

I went home and cried. Uncontrollable sobbing until I fell asleep early in the afternoon. I woke up a few hours later, my mind reeling. Rinse and repeat all week. I wracked my brain, trying to figure out why I'm such a terrible friend. Why I am such a target. What did I do that I deserve such terrible treatment? What did I do that I was being punished with mountains of abuse? Is my life a manifestation of punishment for a family sin? Maybe generations of family sins? What was so bad about me and so fundamentally wrong with who I am that relationships end in hurt every time? Am I really so unloveable that nobody wants me at all? No dating relationships no friendships?

I began to think back on my life. Did I not follow the rules? Did I not forgive 70 x 7 times and then continue to forgive after that? Did I not turn my cheek, try to forget wrongdoings against me, and attempt to continue on? Did I not love those who hurt me and try to show them G-d's love, just as we continually do things that are a slap in His face and He continues to take us back? Did I not strive to be a friend to those who had nobody, usually until they were accepted by the masses to simply leave me on the sidelines? Of course I saw the patterns, but everything in my past showed me I was just living the church girl life. I was doing all that I had been taught to do. Where did I go wrong?

All around me, I saw relationships falter, divorces run rampant, and those that weren't divorced were usually the ones stuck in relationships that made my relationship with exfiance look like honeymoon. Yet, these women (primarily, and a couple of guys) found ways to be happy in the suffering. They learned to pacify the people they were with, and found ways out of the house to be able to have friends and fun with their kids without the terrible spouse.

I've noticed the patterns of families for years. Some families are large with lots of people always in your space. They love having tons of family members, cousins, aunt, uncles, etc that are all "close" with them and keeping up on their life happenings. Some families seem to have many kind people that have many terrible people that marry into the family. Others have families where nobody sees each other and the separate members of the family find pseudo families to belong to. There are other patterns, of course, but too many to rehash in this post.

Well, I figured that the pattern of nice people having terrible people marry into the family was my lot in life. (With the exception of my uncle who is the spitting image of my terrible grandmother [who married into my grandfather's wonderful family]. That @$$h*!3 married my aunt and she is amazing and I love her and we claimed her in the divorce while completely ignoring my biological uncle for decades.)

So, how was I supposed to know that my relationship with exfiance was not what it was supposed to be? All of my support systems left me high and dry. All of the relationships in my life pointed to nothing but finding happiness in the midst of a shitty relationship. Church taught me to forgive and turn the other cheek and try to love everyone and work to be Jesus to the nations. How was I supposed to know that following all of the fucking rules would lead to nothing but PTSD, deep depression, a loathing for my body and brain that is unparalleled to anything I have ever understood, and aloneness for the last 3 years of my life?

I read marriage/relationship books about how to be a better girlfriend and figure out how to have a happy relationship. I asked those that I could, studied blogs and everything I could find about relationships. I put in my hours trying to figure out why the only relationships I found myself in were ones that caused me mass amounts of pain. I even took a sexual assault nursing course (for all of 3 weeks until the flashbacks got too intense and I became thoroughly traumatized from the stories we had to read). I tried to figure out how to fix it, then I had to figure out how to leave, ALL BY MYSELF. I had to figure out red flags and final straws and escape plans, ALL BY MYSELF. I had to figure out how to survive so many terrible things ALL BY MYSELF.

That's why I couldn't leave. That's why I stayed for so long. I was in the Word, I was praying, I was going to church, I was reaching out for help and being met with silence at every turn. That's why I stayed. I was fighting to breathe and struggling to break free, and so no, I couldn't just walk out after the first assault. It took all I had to not find a way to die, I was even praying that G-d would just take me, any way He wanted because I didn't even have the strength to do it myself.

Why did I stay? Because I couldn't leave.

Sunday, December 24, 2017

Didn't think it could get any worse... And then IT DID!

Oh. My. Goodness. *breathe* My past few weeks have been awful.

Last week was my first week off of L&D orientation. Sucked! Day 1, thought I was doing okay. Can't remember exactly what happened, but it wasn't terrible. Day 2, I had 2 labor patients, not good, but I handled it. Day 3, I came back, and found out that 1 of my patients that I thought was a 4, was actually not even 1 c.m. dilated and my other lady who was a 4 turned out to be a C section for being breech.


I turned in my application for a Nurse Midwifery program here in-state. 3-4 days after the deadline, I got an email saying that my application would not be turned in because I was missing transcripts for my transferred credit. I probably wasted $70 on the application, and it'll never even get in front of the admission board for them to decide whether they like me or not.

*just try to breathe*

Then I go to NICU and can't seem to do anything right when I'm there, so day shift is always yelling at me because they do things differently, but I was just following what the previous day shifter told me to do.

*frickin' breathe*

Yesterday I slept through my alarm and my poor counselor texted me 20 minutes into when I was supposed to be there and I didn't call back until 20 minutes after that! Oh my gosh, I feel just so awful. She's so sweet and understanding, but I hate hate hate wasting people's time and it's the holidays. I'm sure she could have been with her family or at home or doing anything else except for waiting for ridiculous me who couldn't even wake up for my 2 alarms.

*just fuckin' take a breath*

Last night, after missing my much needed counseling appointment, I kept tearing up in the middle of feeds. My babies were being difficult (I know, it's not their fault, they're learning how to be alive and eat and manage both at the same time. Lots of work and coordination! Plus parents yell at me on the regular here because of the way the doctors/practitioners change the plan of care all the time.) Regardless, babies can be frustrating and NICU work can be very stressful, even when you only have "feeder growers" because they don't want to feed and growing is even optional. So, between not feeling okay in my NICU knowledge at this hospital, not feeling at all okay in L&D, missing my appointment, being a general thorn in everyone's side, and the myriad of other reasons why I suck as a person... I just couldn't seem to get it together.

Fast forward to 2 hours before my shift was supposed to be up and: my rooming in mom hadn't woken up and she was 30-45 minutes late with her feed, one kid was taking for-frickin-ever to bottle feed and then threw up all over my lap, and my last kid was over in his bed screaming his head off in his inconsolable state.

Maybe I need to just quit breathing at this point and all of the frustrations of life would fade away...

I don't want to be a thorn in anyone's side. Yet, I find myself in a season of being a thorn in EVERYONE'S side, even my poor counselor!

I got to thinking and it's worth note that I cannot plan a wedding. Pinterest has all sorts of cute wedding things, and one of my counseling homework assignments was to make a wedding board on Pinterest of the things I would like to have at my wedding. I don't know what I want for a wedding. I'm not particularly emotionally invested in anything with that. I do, however, have my funeral planned out to a "t". I've had my funeral planned since I was 10 or 12. I know that I was a simple casket, to be buried in gray because I don't feel worthy of being buried in white. I know that I want to be buried in the most simple casket anyone can build, under a weaping willow or some type of large tree. I don't want people dressed up and the reception should be a simple bonfire, with music, and beers. If anyone goes, it would be nice for them to share stories, but having people there doesn't seem realistic, let alone getting anyone to tell stories or even know that I died or to care that I passed. I know that, at 23, I have been a DNR for years.

Last night, I found myself in a position of longing that G-d would let me be done with life. I haven't been here in a long time. Chalk it up to being tired, stressed with so much newness with working L&D, or blame it on me not being able to make it in life without the wonderful support of a counselor because I'm just too weak; but this is not a good place to be. I don't like wanting to be gone and yet being stuck on this earth, in this body, with this life. I can't imaging a bright future. I don't know what it will look like. Not even one little bit.

Will I go on to get my Master's? Doctorate? PhD?
Will I have a husband or family? Will I die alone?
Will I be happy? Or forever chasing happiness, but never able to reach it?

I have no clue what is going to happen. I pray that there are more good things than bad to await me in the future, but I feel like I'm 89 and looking back on my life where I have a hard time understanding my purpose on this earth.

You know when circumstances get so bad that all you can do is either laugh or cry? What does it mean when you do both? But the crying isn't from laughing too hard, it's all from just being utterly overwhelmed with life.

Saturday, December 2, 2017

Dating Blessings

Blessings? For dating? From a website???

Yeah, I stumbled upon this list of 49 blessings for dating on and they are inspiring.

I love the way that judaism sends people off with blessings for each aspect of their life. Growing up in church, it seemed we prayed to counter-act "bad" things from happening. But in Judaism, there is a fundamental striving to focus on what is going well, how to keep things going well, and how to be in the moment. there is also a huge focus on... blessings.

With my confusion around dating growing by the day, having started several years ago with a middle school friend who asked me out (he got married senior year of high school and now has 3 beautiful children and works hard to provide well for his family). Dating has become a very dark subject in my life.

These blessings not only bring in G-d to the concept of dating, but they provide strength, positivity, and encouragement through the process.

I hope these blessing touch your heart, and help, the way they have helped me.

"The Dating Coach's 49 Blessing for the New Year"

  1. May you answer the door when opportunity knocks.
  2. May you love your life.
  3. May you soon gain something you've always wanted.
  4. May you know when to hold on and not be afraid when it's time to let go.
  5. May inspiration strike at just the right moment.
  6. May you be satisfied with being perfectly imperfect.
  7. May you explore new options and open yourself to new possibilities.
  8. May the challenges you face strengthen your core.
  9. May your false beliefs evaporate and may you replace them with words of truth.
  10. May you have time in your week to visit someone in need.
  11. May you wear your smile, no matter how difficult today seems.
  12. May your mind be filled with great ideas.
  13. May you let go of something you no longer need.
  14. May you overcome what is holding you back.
  15. May your failures lead to success.
  16. May you embrace and loving accept your body.
  17. May you schedule your time wisely.
  18. May you invite someone new into your world.
  19. May you increase your confidence and boost your self-esteem.
  20. May you laugh easily and often.
  21. May you have the strength to put forth enough effort to get what you want.
  22. May you be blessed with an abundance of love.
  23. May you manifest your future by living as if it is already your reality.
  24. May you receive encouraging words that elevate you.
  25. May you be motivated to set and reach a new goal.
  26. May your life be infused with meaning and purpose.
  27. May you have strength, courage and wisdom to do the right thing at the right time.
  28. May you be free of financial burdens.
  29. May you hear what others say and more importantly understand what they mean.
  30. May you redirect angry energy and use it as fuel towards something positive.
  31. May you see clearly what you are meant to see and turn away from things not meant for your eyes.
  32. May you know the right questions to ask and may you be open to receiving the answers.
  33. May your words, actions or presence bring comfort to someone who is struggling.
  34. May your eyes be wide open and may you clearly see the messages that are before you.
  35. May you see clearly the obstacles that are before you and may you steer clear of any challenges.
  36. May you strengthen yourself, both body and soul.
  37. May you carry your physical and spiritual loads gracefully.
  38. May you find something wonderful to do this year that inspires you and connects you to great people.
  39. May many singles find their soul mate and be satisfied with their choice.
  40. May those in need of healing recover completely, mind, body and soul.
  41. May your senses be awakened by a pleasing surprise.
  42. May you find the perfect place to call home.
  43. May you visit exceptional places.
  44. May you be satisfied in being uniquely you.
  45. May the efforts you make yield the results you desire.
  46. May you have a good today and a better tomorrow.
  47. May you find your purpose in the world and pursue it with passion.
  48. May you harness the wonderful power within you.
  49. May you have a huge breakthrough!
And let us say Amen.
May God bless our lives with bountiful blessings for the new year.
Shana tova.