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Tuesday, June 20, 2017

One of Those Days

Today is just one of those days.

I woke up at 7 a.m. because I had an appointment to take my car in to the shop because I had taken on some water in my transmission due to some flooding a few weeks ago. I show up and they tell me they might not get to see my car until after noon. Then what's the point of an appointment?!?

I dropped it off because I need it fixed, they shuttled me home. Then called because they had failed to let me know it would cost $52 just to "look" at the car due to the fact that it's making a weird sound. Well, you just dropped me off with no transportation, so I guess it's okay to do that.

Fast-forward to them texting me at their closing time: They texted that they have an estimate on my car and to call them back. I called back and they apologized, because they had sent that text prematurely. I can feel my blood pressure rising. I called my dad to ask if it's worth it to let them keep my car to work on it and in the process of talking with dad, I went ahead and decided to call the mechanics back and tell them to just let me have my car back. So I call back and ask if they have already seen it, due to the conflicting messages I have received thus far. I got a few mixed messages with roundabout explanations, all of which tells me nothing!

So, I called Mema and asked her to drive me to the mechanics at 7 a.m. tomorrow morning to get my car back. I'm more than a little irritated.

Now, a good chunk of irritation began because of one of my "job offers" calling back and demanding an answer today. I interviewed with them yesterday and they immediately told me they would love for me to work with them. It was PRN but they were considering hiring me part time, if I would be willing to cross-train and work postpartum. Well, the recruiter called today, with my offer, and after hearing it I let her know that the job is concerning to me. I am afraid of losing my critical care nursing skills if they keep sending me over to postpartum. I told her that I would consider working full time for that hospital if they would let me train in labor and delivery, but she told me they have no openings. She then asked if I had interviewed for labor and delivery and which location. To which, I stupidly replied that I had interviewed at another hospital system for L&D. I have until Thursday to think about it and get back to her. I would be more than willing to work PRN in the NICU, but why are all of these hospitals trying to get me to train on postpartum??? It's really irritating. Once I show on my resume that I had a year of NICU, then went to PP, nobody will want me back in the NICU and they won't want me anywhere besides maybe med/surg because that's essentially what Mom/Baby (aka postpartum) is!



All I want to do is eat chinese food and the chinese restaurant I found that delivers in this ridiculous town has 2 phone numbers and neither one of them work. They don't even ring through to anything.



My gums over my wisdom teeth have been swollen for a couple weeks. I'm essentially a teething adult. I can feel my teeth being more exposed now than they were a couple weeks ago. Thing is, I can't eat because my gums/teeth hurt so bad because they are pointed sideways and smooshing my other teeth closer and closer together as they come to the surface. If only the pain would keep me from eating, then maybe I could lose some of the 15 pounds I've gained since moving here.



I give up. I'm gonna go take a nap. I've slept away an entire year because I sleep when stressed/tired/bored/lonely. I'm 23 and don't even know how I got here because I have slept away this last year and the year before I was sleeping when not at work/at school.


The struggles are real today. I need some serious prayer, even more serious Divine Interventions, and some sort of stress relief would be great too. Maybe I'll go cry, that's good stress relief.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Oh Grandma

So, I think I told you guys that grandma (not Mema who works in the NICU) went into the hospital. She was diagnosed with COPD and CHF and went home on oxygen. She was also sent home on diuretics which caused her to need to use the bathroom a lot... as we all know diuretics do to keep you from dying...

Well, she could barely walk before her hospitalization. She really can't walk now and she can't make it to the bathroom so she keeps peeing in her chair. That made her mad so she quit taking her diuretics... WHY DID HER IDIOT DOCTORS SEND HER HOME??? She couldn't walk in the hospital, what makes them think anyone would be able to take care of her at home.

The only shower is upstairs. She can't walk across level ground, there is no way in hell she can make it upstairs. So my uncle is "building" her a tent out back to have showers via buckets of water...

She had her "nurse" neighbor come over to help her sort her pills for every day. She was complaining to the nurse lady saying that the nurses during her hospital stay were trying to steal her credit cards and "tied her up" because they wanted to keep her there. She was nearly intubated because her CO2 levels were so high, due to her lack of health and lack of healthcare seeking behaviors.

No, the nurse did not believe her ridiculous story. I don't know why grandma thinks everyone is dumb enough to believe her out-of-this-world stories, but she believes these stories she has concocted.





Life gets more interesting by the day and I'm glad that I started on the job search and my move when I did. I hope that we can get grandpa out of this terrible situation as soon as possible.

More updates to come. We have funny stories regularly. I know that the stories recounted here do not do it justice but I flat out started crying from laughing so hard when my mom told me about the firemen getting her to the stairs, the shower tent, and her recollection to a fellow nurse about grandma's nurses trying to steal from grandma. *sigh* If only I were on a reality T.V. show, where everyone would get to understand what happens in my family.

Job Front Update

The NICU with paper charting decided the other candidate they liked would work better for them... Not gonna lie, that hurt a little bit. Regardless, I had 3 other interviews set up by the time that call came.

The rejection call resulted in another interview that I will be doing today. Actually, in about 45 minutes. It's for a PRN position, but at a decent hospital in the same hospital system.

I had an interview on Friday where the interview ended with them telling me I interviewed well and they wanted to give me an offer early this week! Now, this interview was supposed to be for L&D. They interviewed me under that assumption and did not tell me, until I had finished the interview, that they would be hiring me for Mother Baby and would maybe be able to transfer me over into L&D after a year!!! Why have job postings open and interview people under the assumption that they would be going into said posted position, and then inform them that the job is not actually available? That's just mean! So, I hope to be able to get a job offer with them, and maybe work in a condition that they start training me for L&D by September/October. Otherwise, that job isn't worth it for me. I need the critical care experience and I am already worried I might lose my NICU experience and I'll lose my baby IV skills, delivery skills, and general NICU knowledge. The other thing with working at this hospital is that I would not be able to work for the NICU because it's a hospital that rented out their Peds/PICU/NICU floors to THE children's hospital of this particular state. It is the hospital that every hospital sends their sick babies to. We almost sent one of our sick babies there but our neonatologist threw a hissy fit and got the baby denied for being too critical (and for the neonatologist being mean to the receiving doctor). Since that hospital rents from the hospital of the Mom/Baby floor, the NICU employees are employees of the children's hospital and the other hospital. As such, I can't work part time for both hospital systems... Ugh, ridiculous.

Well, I have an interview with that children's hospital at that hospital too... hahaha. I guess we'll see how it goes. I need L&D experience but I also want to go somewhere and work part time in a NICU where I would be able to see more critical cases. I need L&D experience for graduate school through.

I'm so torn and just need an L&D hiring manager to take a chance on a little, baby NICU nurse and train me up while letting me work part-time in a high acuity NICU that is also willing to train me in the high acuity cases!!! Is this so much to ask?

I would love to work 2 part-time jobs, with over-time days and be able to live with my parents and not pay rent... I could end up buying a house in the next couple years! And if I have so many months of experience in both critical care areas, I could go and be a travel nurse in other states! I struggle with there not being enough hours in a day, not enough days in a week, and not enough ways to get experience in a shorter amount of time. I want to master it all, and that's just not feasible by today's standards. I know, however, that there is a connection and a better way to care for babies and parents through combining L&D and NICU practices. There simply has to be.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

The Trainwreck of Family

This is a post dedicated to grandma... Oh. My. Gosh.

Keep in mind that grandma and Mema are different people. Grandma has narcissistic personality disorder, or the evilest degree. She does things to spite people and really helped me through my Mental Health rotations because I got to diagnose her from the DSM-V, see all of the real-world manifestations of the symptoms, and now I get to watch legit crazy unfold before me without having to take care of it.

Grandma ended up falling out of bed while my grandpa's sister was in town. Now, this would probably not be a huge deal normally, but she's a few hundred pounds and barely able to walk when she feels better. Mostly she depends on places having wheel chairs and makes my grandpa (who is a cancer patient and on chemo) wheel her around and carry her bags. Are you fucking kidding me???!!!??? Let's shy away from that, though.

She fell out of bed and tried to get my uncle and grandpa to get her up. Well, they couldn't do it so my grandpa's sister called the fire department (against grandma's wishes because their house needs to be condemned). 4 firefighters couldn't get her up, so they slid her on a fancy air mattress (like what we use in the hospital to transport patients) and got her to the stairs. She ended up in the hospital via 9-1-1 a couple days later.

Dude, she almost got fired from being a patient for being so mean and combative!!! She was in restraints and everything! The doctor threatened to discharge her and let her figure out how to get home and how to care for herself. She ended up staying in there for a few more days, so we tried to get a better psych consult but they say we can't ask for that because we were not put as her POA (power of attorney). Couldn't you do it because she's already shown herself to be bat shit crazy in the first 2 seconds she was there? C'mon?!?

She ended up getting discharge home after about 4 days in the hospital. She was sent home with nobody to care for her, home oxygen, and meals on wheels. She's got CHF, COPD, morbid obesity, and she is less mobile than when she went to the hospital. I don't understand how they thought that would be okay. The hospitals in Home Town have consistently let us down when it comes to care and discharge of my grandparents and I'm getting more and more frustrated with the medical care that patients receive. I hate that in nursing school we are taught about all of the resources and help available to people, but there's nothing in the real world. NOTHING!

Grandpa was sent home after account after account of abuse and lack of people to be able to care for him. Grandpa was sent home with nothing. Grandma was sent home after it was proven that she can't survive at home! She needs equipment to get her up, help with the bathroom, assistance to shower, and tons of other help. She was sent home with nothing, even though she actually needs to be admitted to a nursing home.

What are ya gonna do? She has freewill and the right to deny nursing home care. The social workers are doing nothing to help grandpa minus a brief home visit 2 weeks after his discharge to prove that he was not able to go up the stairs to get to bed. That visit did nothing. She was also supposed to see that there is one working bathroom in the whole blessed house, human feces covering said bathroom, no working fridge/freezer, lack of driving abilities on grandma's part, and grandpa can't drive because of his seizure meds. None of this was assessed and we specifically laid out concerns point by point. It's enough to make you want to bang your head against a wall or walk on shoes of legos where all of the pointy edges dig into your feet with every step.

G-d is working everything out though. Do you remember how I told you that grandma stole grandpa's phone and routed all of his calls to her phone? Well, while she was in the hospital, grandpa went in and asked for his phone and credit cards back (she had also stolen his wallet). My aunt (my mom's sister) went into grandpa's phone and undid grandma's little move to forward his calls to her phone. Grandpa also expressed his need to get his will situated, look at his bank account, and started asking how much longer he has to live. All of these things were things he didn't want to do with grandma there because she has been known to steal from people, especially if they are fixin' to die or newly dead. My great grandpa stayed dead in his house for a couple of days before grandma (who found her dad dead) called 9-1-1 about finding him dead, so that she could go through his house and take what money and valuables she could find before her two siblings found out he had passed away.

You can't make this shit up.

We think she forwarded the calls from grandpa's phone to hers in order to screen his doctor calls and bank calls. We think she was also stealing his money, thus the taking his cards and forwarding his calls... As far as screening doctor calls, that's so that she can be in control of what we, as the family, get told. When grandpa was initially admitted into the hospital, she told us he was in the ICU and intubated and fixing to die. That was a huge ass lie. He was confused and slightly sedated at first, but it only lasted a night or two before he came around to being his normal, cute little self. I don't know why she lied like that, but she does it regularly. She doesn't even lie about big stuff every once in awhile, she lies every single time she opens her mouth. She lies about stuff that happened 10 minutes ago that I was witness to and know what actually happened. I'm talking bat-shit crazy, people!!!

This is legit family drama and it all happened over the course of this last week (except grandpa going into the hospital, that was a couple months ago). Since grandpa's hospitalization, grandma just gets worse and worse with her schemes and evil shenanigans.


LIfe in Slow Motion

I had that follow up skype peer review interview thing... it went okay. It was the same questions, same lady from the first interview, just add in one of the floor nurses. Like, really? Plus, I sat on my end of the skype call for 20 minutes before the interview started because I was told to connect 10 minutes early and it took awhile for them to connect. Minor irk, I'll be fine.

It seems to me, however, that once I start interviewing with one hospital in the system, that it suddenly shuts me down for any of the other hospitals in that system. I have interviewed in College Town, which then made the recruiter from Home Town (in the same system but different recruiter/hospital) not contact me anymore. That's ridiculous! The recruiter for the paper charting hospital at least talked to me about location, but I need to go ahead and call her back and ask her to get me more interviews at higher acuity places.

This whole process is absolutely ridiculous and they take frickin forever to get back to you with anything. Application -> recruiter call? 1.5 weeks. Recruiter call -> interview? 1.5-2 weeks... Interview -> job offer??? Uh, probably never!!!

Grandpa is doing okay. Major family drama went down because one of his sisters (he's one of 10 kids...) came to visit him. His family hates grandma... ummm, lots of people do but that's a different story. Anyway, his sister had tried to call him for 2 weeks to let him know she was coming into town. However, when grandpa went into the hospital with confusion, where we learned of his cancer, grandma stole his phone and routed all of his calls to her phone so that nobody would get to talk to him. Why? Because grandma is mean. Don't take this lightly. She has narcissistic personality disorder and she's got the meanest, evilest version of it. She does things just to try to kill people slowly and try to torture them until they give in and keel over dead. I kid you not. (More storied about her in another post. She takes too long to talk about and I've got loads of crazy stories on her just from this last week.)

Anyway, this particular sister of grandpa's will tell her off! Haha, so funny. BUT I MISSED ALL OF IT! Anywho, since grandpa wasn't getting any calls and they were all sent straight to grandma's phone, my great aunt ended up strolling into the house unannounced. My mom said that my grandma's jaw dropped to the floor! AND I MISSED IT ALL!!! Damn it!

Regardless, grandpa is losing a bunch of weight, not drinking enough, not eating, and my grandma just keeps him from having food by telling him he doesn't need to be eating. Poor guy. I just wish he could have time alone from her! Just let him live with me!!!

Work is okay. I finally have an end date. With that came a call from HR in the middle of my nap. Ugh, I answered a call from the hospital, while mostly asleep, to hear a very loud, overly cheering lady essentially passively aggressively yelling at me for breaking my 2 year contract. She kept reiterating that I signed on for 2 years, so the hospital gave me $3500. I kid you not, she probably told me that it was $3500 like 8 times in 2 minutes. Yes, I know what I signed on for! She was being really rude, while trying to sound nice, all the way up until I told her I have to leave because my grandpa is sick. She sounded slightly sorry and then had to start fumbling around for words. Long story short, she asked how I wanted to pay it back. I told her to go ahead and have accounting call me and we can talk about it. They haven't called, or maybe they did and didn't leave a message. You would think that a hospital, that has half of their employees working night shift, would understand that they need to not call in the middle of the day and that they should leave a message if they want to get any business done. This hospital is severely pissing me off. Whatever, I'm leaving, it'll be okay eventually.




I can see the L-rd working, but I'm only seeing the surface. I want to see the behind-the-scenes takes. I want to see how this all plays out and how everything gets worked out. *sigh* Tis not the way G-d works. Yay for faith building... I know it's a good thing, it's just that growing pains are painful and there's no Tylenol for spiritual "discomfort".

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Moving Prematurely

Seeing as I have been driving back to Home State every chance I get since Grandpa's been diagnosed with cancer, I have decided to go ahead and move back. This seemed like a great idea until I started telling my fellow coworkers and it turns out they are slightly attached to me.

I have heard "we're gonna miss you" and "you are one of the best ones!" from nearly every nurse except the Charge nurse that doesn't like me and her minion. But people that I was convinced were either indifferent or didn't like me, are coming out of the woodworks and giving me hugs, telling me they are sad to see me go. It's kind of nice, but does it kill ya to tell people this before they get to the point of leaving??? I tell people on a regular basis, but that's just me. I have made friends with nurses and staff from other floors, people that work in the cafeteria, and our sweet house keepers that come through the unit several times a night. My Aunt/boss told me that the hospital is losing a great nurse, granted she's family and I am willing to float to any unit she asks me to go to where other staff complains and flat out refuses to go. They don't even know how spoiled they are, most hospitals won't let you refuse and might even write you up for non-compliance.

I have been applying to EVERY BLESSED HOSPITAL in the entire Big City of Home State. Unfortunately, I could work all 7 nights with increased pay plus differentials and still not be able to afford living on my own. As such, I am going to be bouncing between Dad's couch and Mom's RV... Or moving back to College Town, which I don't want to do, because exboyfriend/exfiance would end up finding me. Add that to the fact that 1 out of 2 L&D/NICU units in College Town is the employer of exboyfriend's mean sister. Actually, if you recall, that is how I first met her, I covered her shift for 2 hours and by the time she came in, exboyfriend had called her and let her know it was me. I so wanted to work there too. College Town would be a great place to get both L&D experience and NICU experience at the same time, and I could work for both hospitals systems with no problems and short commutes. THIS IS WHY YOU NEVER DATE IN A SMALL TOWN!!! IT RUINS ANY CHANCES OF A FUTURE, WITHOUT YOUR PAST COMING UP ON A DAILY BASIS.

I had an interview today. It was just a phone interview, but the lady totally forgot about me. I ended up calling the recruiter an hour after the call was supposed to have taken place, then the DON and manager called me real quick and did a quick interview. They apologized up and down, and I wasn't too concerned until talking to my preceptor/mentor/charge nurse tonight. She mentioned that if they forget about interviews, it might be a sign of how the unit is run. I'm disappointed with the interview. I was pumped for it, at first. It seemed like a great place, super close to Mom's house, which is rare in Big City where I will have to drive 30 minutes in ridiculous traffic to get to any other hospital, this place was 10 minutes down one major street. In the interview, they let me know it's a level IIIB NICU with 17 beds and they ship many of their sick babies to one of the "nearby" level IV NICU's. 1) I'm coming from a 20/21 bed NICU with a max of 3 babies to 1 nurse. This hospital has 3-4 babies to 1 nurse and still does paper charting!!! What the hell is that? I thought Small Town Hospital was behind the times for having paper orders at the bedside, an old electronic charting system, and sending out kids that need anything more than a oscillator. Ugh, paper charting??? WHY???!!!???

Not to toot my own horn, but they seemed pretty excited about me. They started the interview asking if I'm willing to work overtime on short notice and they ended with asking if I would be willing to do a peer Skype interview. I am moving to a big city with hopes and plans of working in a more acute NICU where I can actually grow my knowledge base, not go backwards in my learning just because we ship all of the sick kids to a sister hospital 20 minutes away. LET ME WORK AT THAT HOSPITAL!!! Maybe I will call the recruiter back and ask about getting an interview there.

I still have to talk to my landlord about getting out of my 2 year lease early, and I'll have to pay back my "bonus". Praise the L-rd I still have it and can give it back no problem. Also, Praise the L-rd I've been saving all of the money I have been getting from overtime! My paychecks have been so meager with all of my call-offs and only getting PTO with no differentials. I get about $5-7 an hour extra in differentials depending on if I get to work weekends or not. I am so grateful I have saved my PTO until now. Otherwise, I would be getting evicted for not paying rent on time.

Oh L-rd, I am excited to see how you are going to work out my life and the current situation I'm in, but please, please can we do it a little faster?! Oh the stress.

If you are so inclined, do you mind praying with me that my landlord has amazing grace and allows me to let someone else take over my lease? Pray for guidance and wisdom in picking where I work and whether I rent a place or live with my parents.

I need to be in Big City for Nurse Midwifery School (hopefully I get into that), but College Town is much more affordable and I could maybe live with my cousin. I know, living with people, especially family, has not turned out well so far. That, too, is something to consider. *just breathe* It'll work out.

I'll keep y'all posted.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Imposter Syndrome

For as long as I can remember, I have felt out of place. I'm out of place working in the NICU, in school, in Small Town, in Home Town, among "friends", with my own family (especially extended family). I know I'm not the only one, but it's highly unsettling to feel like you don't belong anywhere.

Well, it hit me like a freight train last night at a small family gathering I attended to celebrate a few family birthdays. I show up and I know most everybody there, but a couple of my very own cousins are people I've never met before. THEY'RE MY OWN AGE!!! How have I not met them before??? Doesn't matter, I don't belong here anyway. The family that is so tight-knit here all lived in this town for a couple decades now. I've only been here for about 10 months. Of course I'm not going to be used to this side of the family because they never came up to Home State for anything, so we only saw them on the rare occasion that my little nuclear family made it down to Small Town. This, was not a frequent even because my dad despises it down here and doesn't like this side of the family (his side, btw). Sigh.



I mentioned that my Mema's sister is the DON for my floor of the hospital right? She's the one who let me come and shadow in L&D and NICU throughout college and then offered me a NICU position. Well, seeing as she's my boss, I have decided to not really mention that I am looking for employment else where. Who in their right mind would? Unfortunately, I may have mentioned to Mema that I was applying to a local nursing program in order to work as a clinical instructor or professor aide. I'm a fucking idiot for doing such a foolish thing. Last night at the dinner, which just so happened to be at Mema's Sister's house, Mema decided it would be a good conversation to bring up that I was applying for this university position. WHY ON EARTH WOULD THIS SEEM LIKE A GOOD CONVERSATION TO HAVE AT A FAMILY GET-TOGETHER??? AND WITH MY BOSS???!!!??? I get that they are sisters and there was a lul in the conversation, but that's not Mema's information to be sharing and that is not an appropriate time!

Mema keeps calling my mom "to visit" and check in on her. Fine, that's expected. However, she also keeps making things up about me and my life in order to be discussing it with my mom during said "visits". I recently shared slight concern over lack of days that I get to work, so she called my mom almost immediately and told my mom that "I am very worried about work, worried sick!". My mom, being my best buddy and knowing that we don't believe everything we hear, texted me with said information. I then got to reassure my mom that I am not super concerned, more peeved than anything, and I reiterated that she (Mom) and I had already discussed my lack of hours and next career choices in depth. She, of course, already knew all of these things because I call my Mom pretty much every day. But why does that seem like news that would be Mema's place to share? It's not! This is why I don't tell her secrets or anything that is of any worth, she spreads it to everyone, degrades me and complains about me to the whole family, then gets upset when I don't live at her house, spend every free moment with her, and want to move away from her town. I can feel my blood pressure rising just recounting the various other times this type of situation has come up with her.

She told my mom that I was considering moving to a Huge Southern City to go to midwifery school, then proceeded to bash said city to mom. Not her place to share such info, especially when I was telling her things like "I might go back to school, such and such place has a pretty good program, it wouldn't be for another few years... etc... etc... etc..." What happened? Mema called mom and told her I was planning to move ASAP and was unhappy here in Small Town and went on to say she (Mema) regretted ever talking me into coming down here."

I told you about her meeting with exfiance where she sent my mom a text disowning me and telling my mom that I was pretty much a failure, right? She also sent me a hatemail letter informing my family she would never go camping again (because that's where I introduced her to exfiance, stupid choice on my behalf I know). She then got upset with me for not wanting to live with her (she told my mom in the text that I was uninvited from staying at her house anyway) and she got PISSED when nobody wanted to go camping with her this summer, myself included. Duh! You told my family that you wouldn't ever go camping with us again because I'm such a fucking failure at life!!! I get that exfiance was evil to the core and terrible to everyone. However, do you not remember that you married not one, but 2 of them??? Why would you not help me out of a bad situation by being there for me instead of disowning me and spreading rumors behind my back to my entire family (extended and immediate) so that I now have nobody but my parents and my brother? (my dad doesn't even know what happened still).



Some days I wish I was born into a family who was closer to the cousins, grandparents, and entire family. Those days are few and fleeting. After most family gatherings/functions, I recall the simpleness that comes from having the closest family members 2-8 hours away and I count it a blessing to not have an Everybody Loves Raymond situation going on. Small Town got me close to being Raymond, but I keep my doors locked and my house appears to have nobody living in it, even when I'm home for weeks on end because I can't even go to work...



I don't belong here. "Be in the world, not of the world" Can there be a friends clause or some type of support group for those of us stuck in the world but with no connections or need to stay here? Maybe a vacation visa to leave the world for awhile? Something???!!!???