Down the Tunnel It Goes

I had my first session of EMDR this last week. It has helped tremendously, so far! I have not yet had to terrible of nightmares and I've been able to remain in the moment better than I had been in the past couple of weeks. I'm really hoping that this continues to be a good form of therapy for me.

Just in case you guys are at all curious about it, I wanted to share a little bit about what my experience was like.

So first thing that happened when I went in was that the therapist asks what I want to work on. I went in with a very specific plan to work on exbest friend's stuff because it has been causing me a great deal of distress for a long time now.

She gave me the little buzzing paddles and asked me to pick the intensity and speed that I wanted to use for the memory. I set it accordingly and she had me describe the memory. She says I can tell her as little or as much as I want. She kept asking questions, as counselors/therapists do, but I didn't go into as much detail as I had to using exposure therapy (you have to use as much detail as possible).

We started with e getting comfortable and holding the paddles. We started with letting my mind go to the memory. She checked in with me to have me describe what I was feeling and going through. We went another cycle and the memory and feelings got more intense. She checked in again. This cycle lasted several times, then she had me sit with the memory and the physical feelings and the thoughts that came up. After a few cycles of that (memory + buzzing, then a check-in), the memory started to reveal several things to me.

Personally, this process brought up the ways I tried to fight and then showed me the 7+ ways I was triggered that reverted my brain into trauma mode and sent it back to it's original conditioning. While this likely does not make much sense without going through the process, it was incredibly freeing to be able to go back into a memory that my brain was constantly reliving for months and to be able to process it with such clarity.

Then, as I started to process the triggers, and what I had done to prevent the cursed even from occurring in the first place, the oddest thing happened in my brain and I saw it as clear as a movie: the memory faded and started going down a tunnel. It was partially filed in said tunnel, but not like my normal filing where I put it away to try to process it later with my counselor. No, this time it was filed as something I had survived and what I had done right and why I couldn't stop it.

Now, this memory is much less disturbing and my brain has released it from continually coming up and causing nightmares, flashbacks, and the subsequent dissociation/depression. I've been able to wake up without sleeping 14+ hours, be on time, get ready without losing track of time, and I've been engaged and happy instead of a constant flat affect and no energy. All of these things are my signs of dissociation and depression.

I'm not saying that this process was not difficult. I cried. I cried like big, burning tears from a place of deep hurt and betrayal. However, it was far less distressing than continually having your brain try to process a memory and failing because you are stuck between short and long term memory, and you can't find the reason/logic/emotion between anything. My brain was ridiculously overwhelmed and this allowed me to process it effectively.

Guys, I'm very grateful for my counselor recommending this type of therapy. I had come a long way in counseling, but there are things that set us back on our road to recovery. Sometimes these roadblocks refuse to move and our brains cannot go "there" to knock the block down because it is too distressing. At this point in my recovery, I was able to go through the EMDR process and receive relief and help. When the counselor at my college (who was 1] untrained in trauma help and 2] unpracticed in EMDR) tried to use this therapy, I was too far in the trauma brain and had not processed anything at all. By starting in therapy/counseling first, getting to a place of healing, then trying this intensive therapy, I was able to finally have coping skills in place and be able to understand my recovery process much better.

I'll keep you guys posted on if it continues to be helpful or if I start getting some of the terrible side effects. So far, however, I'm hanging in there.

2 Year Anniversary

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of Country Boy dying. Unfortunately, with him, I get a solid three days each year that I lose my sh!t because all three are anniversaries.

#1 - the last Sunday of Spring Break (that's when he died)

#2 - March 30 (that is the actual date that was the last Sunday of Spring Break)

#3 - April 11 (his birthday, just a week and some after my birthday)

He wasn't even 19. He just needed to find enough reason to live another two weeks and he couldn't find it.

I haven't been sleeping well this last week. Last night, I fell asleep at about 9:30 p.m., woke up every couple of hours, then woke up and couldn't fall back asleep at about 3 a.m. It's now 5:45 a.m. and I still shouldn't be getting woken up by my alarm clock until about 6:30...

Yesterday afternoon (March 29), Brother took me to the cemetery. I bought a small bottle of whiskey and shared it with Country Boy. His alcohol tolerance is much better than mine, which is good because I couldn't only handle about half of the tiny bottle and he got every other swig. We went yesterday because Brother has to work until late tonight and the cemetery is creepy at night and also in a sketchy part of town. I might go back and sit with him today, but it depends on how much energy I have after a full day of sim lab for peds.

Counselor says I'm doing well. I started making a binder with all of the handouts and exercises Counselor gave me. I'm hoping that when I move, I'll remember my binder on my Bad Days. She is probably one of the strongest, most bad ass women I think I've ever met. Yet, she still told me that she couldn't imagine how hard it must be to live knowing that my attackers are on the loose. It sucks, but I'm here and kicking. I'm barely going, but I'm not doing what Country Boy did to my family and friends. As much as I would love to no longer be here, I'm not going to be a trauma to those I love or even just know.

She made me feel strong. By Counselor telling me she couldn't imagine living in my shoes, after I've heard how strong she is, it made me feel like maybe I'm dong okay. People tell me I'm strong, but it just makes me feel weak when they say that. There are the pity eyes and that tone they say it with that break me down, especially on my weak days because those are days I can hardly breathe. So, when I feel weak, and people flat out say I'm strong, I don't believe them and I assume they're lying. For some reason, having her tell me I'm handling this sh!tty life, by myself (and G-d), and I'm still finishing school and plugging along, it was a boost. (*I apologize for the structure of that last sentence, I'm typing through tears, sleep deprived, mourning again, and otherwise struggling*)

I had an interview yesterday. They said it went really well but that I have to wait for the hiring manager's boss to get back to her to make sure I can be hired. I pray the L-rd lets me know what needs to happen. It would be nice to be able to start house shopping and planning for my post-graduation future, but the move to this particular location holds a few complications... I'll keep y'all posted though!

Well, I suppose I better go get ready for sim lab. I get out late this afternoon and then I'm headed to the bar with a couple friends. I don't know how today will go. The past week has been hell, but not as bad as last year. Last year, I survived the day. This year, it is uncertain but I will survive to the best of my ability. I look like sh!t though.

Selfish by Choice

School started last week but these first two weeks are all sorts of janky. My typical schedule for classes and life will not begin until next Monday but I'm totally okay with that.

I had counseling again yesterday. She told me I'm not strong enough to go over the really hard stuff yet, so we started working on coping strategies... That's solid. I kept losing my mind between last week's session and yesterday but it turns out that the coping techniques I was accidentally using through the week are actually legit coping techniques that are taught in counseling. Walking/sitting outside, warm/cold water, etc. I begin coloring at my next session.

I told my counselor how hard my first OB class was with the birthing videos. I had also nearly started crying during my skills lab for OB because we had to do vaginal exams to check dilation and that is apparently a HUGE trigger for me, along with damn near everything else. With this in mind, I was advised to take a semester off. I told her that is not an option because I want to be done with nursing school and I want to graduate with my friends. Once she realized that I am not going to budge on this, we made a plan for me to start going twice a weeks (in a couple weeks because she is crazy busy with her life too!). Then, we'll spend a lot of time working on coping methods so that I can get through OB and then begin to work on my tough stuff before I graduate and move and she graduates.

I guess we'll see where that gets us.

Exfiance texts me after my sessions asking what we talked about in my session. I normally keep it pretty under wraps when I was with my last counselor and then also with my new one. Yesterday, I was just not having his bullshit at all. He asked what we talked about and I told him I didn't want to talk about it. He told me he hates when I keep stuff from him. Well, Fucker, you lost that privalage when you decided to lie to me all the time, disregard my refusal for you to use my body however the hell you felt like using it, and I took it away when I broke up with you. Alright? So no, you do not get to make me feel guilty if you think I might be keeping stuff from you. I am because we are no longer together and you kept everything from me! Don't give me this shit.

So, after not talking with him yesterday, he texted me today to ask if I would "finally tell him why I was mad yesterday." I wasn't mad yesterday, I just didn't want to talk about it with him because it's not of his fucking business. It never should have been because I have trauma that is only my business that he doesn't need to know about. He can support me working through it without forcing me to tell him every damn detail. I told him something along those lines and reminded him of all the lies and information he kept from me and all of the double standards he kept for what I was supposed to do/tell him as opposed to what he did/told me. He didn't like that but I'm learning to stand up for myself. It's starting with him and my family then I will work on my friends. I'm sick of taking shit and I'm so over worrying about everyone else when NOBODY concerns themselves with what I may need/want/etc.

Therefore, I'm working on being intentionally selfish for a season.

Mental Illness

Today I read a post/article about having friends and loved ones that struggle with mental illness.

11 Things Those Who Love A Person With Mental Illness Should Know

I actually found it so helpful and true that I sent it to fiance, but I so wished I could send it to all of my friends and family.

I was going through Pinterest one night at work because I was sad and sometimes it helps me to go through the depression posts on Pinterest because it lets me know that what I experience and think isn't isolated to just myself. It also helps me put words to my tendencies and feelings because sometimes it's hard to describe what I'm going through and what is happening in my head to other people.

Through this search, I found that I am not the only one that goes through isolation because their friends start asking what's wrong and they keep digging. This digging then leads to them asking me to stop talking to them about what is happening in my head because they can't handle the fraction of a percent of the darkness I share with them. I'm not alone in this. Apparently, it happens quite frequently.

So, just a note to those of you who have friends and family (everybody): don't ask if you aren't prepared to actually help and continue to hear about the darknesses and struggles in the lives of those around you. I keep having friends who see me struggling and they think they can somehow help me. Guys, I've struggled with this most of my life and I have not come across a person or thing that can help me yet. G-d helps a lot, but life happens and my head gets messed up again. That's just how it works. However, I am sick of friends and family thinking they can save me, but after a little bit, they realize they can't even deal with my struggles and so they leave me or ask me to stop talking to them. This is absolutely devastating to me and to the others that go through this.

1. Don't get close and ask people questions if you are not entirely prepared to be able to stick with them and truly help them. They deal with their darkness just fine without you, they've likely done it for a long time. 
2. Don't ask them questions, give them hope of having support, and then ditch them when you start to hear just a little bit of what they have to deal with. That's cruel.
3. Don't think that they be "fixed" by something you do. 
4. Don't give them unsolicited advice. They know what to do, they know what works best for them. It's not good to tell them (us) what to do because you don't live our life. You have a friend with chronic major depression and you have gone through a slight bout of depression? That doesn't mean you know how to "fix" this for them. Everyone goes through their mental illnesses in unique ways. You can absolutely be there for them and give advice if they ask, but don't tell them what to do.
5. Don't ask them why they don't take meds, go to the doctor, or go to therapy. Professional help is good, but don't tell us what to do, that can make us shut down and when we don't do what you tell us to do, we know you're more likely to ditch us anyway.
6. Don't force them to talk if they don't want to talk. Chances are, they've been burned before so they are wary of opening up to anyone else because they have seen the ugliness that that brings about in your life and theirs. So, i they don't want to talk, then don't force it.
7. Don't dig. This goes along the same lines as the last one. But if they say they are fine and you know it's a lie, just leave it. I know that personally, it is easier to deal with my darkness alone and not fess up to being upset, than it is to say I'm having a bad day and then have to explain it to whoever asked.
8. Don't use them. Don't use them as an excuse. Don't overextend them just because you know they will help, this can make depression and a whole host of other mental illnesses worse for the sufferer. Don't use them as an example. Just don't.
9. Don't tell them to just get over it. No, we cannot just "get over it". If we could, don't you think we would have? Living with mental illness is not something we enjoy, it's way harder for us than it is for you to watch us, I promise.
10. Don't think we don't know it's hard for you. I've watched people struggle with mental illness and it's rough. I understand wanting to help them but not knowing how. I know what it is like to wish that they were back to their normal self, the person that I adore and know. 
11. Don't play the victim. It may be hard for you to hear what we go through, but you don't have to live it and you're only hearing and seeing a tiny bit of what occurs in our heads.
12. Don't take their moods personally. Sad days are going to happen regardless of whether you are there or not. Just accept that we will have bad days that have nothing to do with you even if we are with you all day.
13. Don't call them crazy. That's just mean. We aren't crazy, we are just have brains that don't control their hormones at proper levels so then we have "off" days. We aren't crazy.
14. Don't assume they don't know how to handle their mental illness. Oftentimes, they've dealt with their problems for a long time. Even if they haven't, they will find ways that help them or other ways that may make them worse.
15. Sometimes, just sometimes, it's okay to let them have a bad day. It's okay, it's going to happen. Even if they seem like they've been getting better, bad days will happen again. Occassionally, it's alright to just let them happen. Make sure they are safe, without digging or hurting their feelings, and then ask them if they want company or to talk. Ask them if you can help in someway. If they say no, don't take it personally. If they say yes, be prepared for tough stuff and make sure you stick around and support them how they need.
16. Don't make excuses to stay away from them. Are you finding yourself having a rough time dealing with what they are telling you? Don't just ditch them and don't bullshit your way out of spending time with them. You can be honest with them that what they are experiencing is difficult. Let them know that you cannot imagine going through what they are going through. Then, most importantly, reassure them that you won't leave them, no matter how hard it might be for you. Most importantly, keep the promise that you won't leave them by not leaving them. That doesn't mean stay with them 24/7, but just maintain the friendship and keep talking with them.
17. Don't act weird around us, we're people too. We have feelings and personalities and we are usually fantastic to get to know! We might just have difficulties with brain chemistry or something. Be patient with us and remember who we are on our good days.
18. Be patient. There are days when I don't get out of bed all day except to pee. I actually have had weekends where I sleep for a solid 3-4 days except for peeing. Leave us be and we will come out when we are ready. Sometimes we need to do other stress relieving things. I happen to take drives. I'll drive for hours to clear my head, be alone, and also listen to music. That's okay, let us do that if it helps. Sometimes I walk around stores for hours on end, just wandering. Sometimes playing piano helps or certain types of crafts. Occasionally, just being able to veg out with a children's movie is enough to help me through some of the bad times. Just let it be and we will ask for help or company when we are ready.
19. Know that we value you. We understand that we are hard to be around, hard to be friends with, and difficult to love. We really do, I promise. Stick around because we appreciate you getting to know us in the first place and we would love for you to stick around with us. Hug us (after you ask if you can) if we seem to be having a hard time. We may not always verbalize it, but thank you for being with us through our ups and downs.
20. Take care of yourself too. If we are saying things that stress you out, make sure you get some stress relief for yourself. Please, don't share our stories with others unless we tell you that you can. But make sure to take care of yourself so that the temptation to leave us is not as strong and you don't get burned out from being friends with us. We love you, we worry about you too which is why we usually don't want to share our burdens with you. We know it's a lot and we don't want to dump the heaviness in our hearts and the darkness in our minds onto you.

A lot of these are kind of duplicates but I find it important for people to know. Mental illness can sometimes make us blunt, or difficult, or sensitive, or numb, or any number of combinations of strange traits. Mostly, you help us just by being with us, even when you don't say anything. My friends know I love coloring and watching kid movies when I'm having bad days. So, they break out the coloring books and turn on a kid movie to help me out. Other times, they walk me around the mall and have lunch with me while keeping their side of the conversation going so that I don't have to be the one to talk when my head is in a major fog. Still other times, they let me go home and sleep, then send me funny videos and pictures on Facebook. All of these little things help me know that they see me struggling, but they respect me enough to meet me where I'm at and they let me call the shots with how I cope with the situation at that time. This is so important to me and I appreciate it more than they will ever understand.

Where has the time gone?!

My only final was completed last Monday. I'm so sorry I did not update you guys, life has been all sorts of crazy busy lately. So, I will take it one bit at a time.

Grades: 2 A's and 1 B for this last semester which is pretty good! The final in my class ended up being a test that nobody did well on so the teacher made it only 1% of our entire grade so I got to keep my A in the class. Oh my goodness, praise the L-rd! I had gone out dancing the night before instead of studying and I actually met a guy.

On the subject of that guy, he asked me to dance. I agreed. He asked for my number. I gave it to him. He proceeded to text me after the stupid, customary 2-day waiting period and we've kinda hit it off. So, after spending most of the last week with him, he's my boyfriend. Super early and I'm not sure how compatible we are together, but he got the sexual assault/rape information out of me and he's been really supportive and sweet. Thus far we've been going full-throttle, and I told him that, and he's agreed to slow it down a bit. Right now he's in another state because he travels with his job for 2 months and then he comes back for breaks of 2-3 weeks. In that time we'll be able to talk and see if this is something that will work out or not. It's concerning that we met each other at a bar... and I don't trust anyone, especially not now... but there's something about him and I don't know what it is. I guess we will see. His name is Redneck BF (R BF for short).

Counseling went okay. We talked a little bit about coping strategies for me but the best one so far is distraction. As long as I stay really busy and go out a lot, I don't seem to have issues. However, when I sit still for too long or stay up too late, that's when I start having troubles. I feel like I'm going crazy though, I had to learn mindfulness exercises and they help when I'm in the office but not so much in the real world.

I worked last night for the first time since the incident. I had a 2 hour long anxiety attack and could only rock myself back and forth while telling myself that "I am okay". It seemed like I was doing better, but the night shift and the vast amounts of dark space with near silence is not conducive to avoiding the thought of what happened and what I wish could have happened. Alas, work + minimal sleep today after work = a very tired girl who believes she may be able to have a decent night's rest tonight. Well, L-rd willing, of course.

I hope all y'all are doing well in your respective places in the world.