Another Up

I had the best day in I don't know how long today.

I got a gift card to Chick-fil-a, my favorite eating establishment, as of right now.

Took a test in peds, and I think it went well. They're all group tests because the professor was failing to many students. I got with two really smart friends and they agreed to be my buddies for our final as well!

I got out of class several hours early, so Roomie and I (we carpool) went to Chick-fil-a for lunch.

As we were waiting in line there, I got a call from an unknown number. It was my Great Aunt offering me a NICU job at her hospital!!! So, I'm moving in a couple months, once we figure out what day I start. Guys, G-d gave me a job!!! Plus, I get to move.

In my religions class on Monday afternoons, we had a Jewish rabbi from one of the loval military bases come and talk to us. He just happens to know my mom and my Rabbi so I was already excited. He was such an amazing speaker and I feel like he was the mouthpiece to G-d giving me grace and contentment with myself. For so long I've dealt with guilt around what has happened to me and I feel terrible for not loving the guys that hurt me the way I've been taught to "love everyone". He explained the Jewish perspective that you don't have to love each individual. You treat them with respect and don't intentionally harm them for no reason, but G-d is a Just G-d and He wants fairness as a baseline for life. It does not make me mean, or resentful, or someone who is trying to pay them back by reporting them. It is okay to report them. Then to forgive them for my own sake, not for theirs.

After being stoked about all of that, I went grocery shopping and there were a few cute guys there :) I'm not going for anything, but I had a little make-up on today and I feel like I was more confident than I've been in the past.

I made dinner for Roomie and I tonight and I made my first lasagna (first by myself, without my mom) tonight so we'll have dinner ready to go for tomorrow!!!

Yeah, I'm winning at adulting today.

Jersey did text me and invited me to go out with her and a couple of her friends. She wants to meet with me to "patch things up" because we were "close friends". I might be crazy, but we weren't close. She didn't share her life with me, she just wanted to ask for all of the juicy details of my life. I told her we could talk and kept my replies short. She asked if it was okay that we fix things so that we can have a great rest of our senior year. I told her we could talk, but I have no plans on patching it up. My life has been so much more drama-free without having to worry about her. I go talk to Counselor tomorrow and I think I'm going to ask to role-play.




Oh, and about my birthday...

It went really well. Poor Roomie walked into my room the night before my birthday and I was crying. She started freaking out. The next morning, I was up at 0800 with her! I was shocked myself, but she made the day great. We went shopping (caught a lot of really good sales), saw puppies, had lunch, went for a hike with her dog, then we went out dancing with just a couple of my closer friends. Amazing day! Low-key, not many people knew it was my birthday. Some of the friends I have been close with all three years didn't come, but I didn't even care because I had a select few that were able to come out and have a good time with me.

My brother's roommate called me, because they were hanging out at Brother's apartment, and I asked them to do a shot for Country Boy. To my surprise, Brother got all 5 guys to do a shot! No, probably not the best to be condoning alcohol, but it meant a lot to me that Brother is being so sweet and supportive about something he doesn't understand. However, he's sat with me as I cried at the grave, I think he's starting to see the pain I've hidden from him for so long. He knew what had happened, but I try to not harp on it too much because he didn't used to be so receptive. I think he's starting to put together the pieces and he's getting much better at supporting me. I'm also getting better at being better to him and more of what he needs from a sister.

When we finally got home, the dog had to pee. I offered to take her out since Roomie had been my DD and it was about 0200. I finished the little loop and there were a couple guys my age headed up the stairs to their apartment. One asked to pet the dog and asked what breed. I shrugged, because I couldn't place the name of the breed with my brain a little slower than normal... He laughed and we got to talking for a couple minutes. Roomie came out to check on me and it turns out they had been at the same little karaoke place we had been at! They shook our hands and introduced themselves and invited us out sometime! Now, we all know that'll probably not happen. However, it's nice to feel noticed and to feel like guys think I'm cute.


I'm trying to stay positive in this post, because I really want to highlight the joys that come in life, even if few and far-between. The reason it is so shocking to me to feel cute and confident, is because I did not ever have that to begin with. Then, when I started dating exboyfriend, it didn't take much for him to make me feel better than I ever had, so I stayed with him even after I wanted to leave because I didn't think anyone else would notice me. With exfiance, he started with flattery and tried to make me feel good at first, then as time went on he started implanting that I was not pretty, not smart, nothing that would be desired by anyone but him. With that negative message from someone I thought I loved, how is it possible to not end up believing you're worthless and undesirable?

My confidence is slowly building. I am strong, I am caring, I am worth loving. I will be a nurse someday, who will extend the love and compassion others need because I know what it is to need extreme amounts of both. I am growing, developing, moving on, and I will continue to be a soft heart in this hell of a life because others do not deserve the terrible things that have happened to me. I am beautiful, smart, funny, sweet, caring, loyal, and deserving of a life in which happiness and joy are experienced. I am worthy regardless of what has been done to me and what I have survived. I have a story that is worthy of being told and I do not have to be a doormat any longer.

This is one of my stronger days and self-affirmations begin now.

I am worthy. I am strong. I have survived and I am on my way to thriving.