Yesterday, I mourned the loss of a 19 year old young man. I didn't personally know the guy, but my YoungLife students had had classes with him. They were friends with him.
The devastation in their eyes was heart wrenching, because I've been there.
I sat there, listening to them try to process the heaviness of losing such a young friend. I listened to the stories, and the questions, and the tears. My heart broke listening to his younger sister's recounting of his last day as he tried to spend some time with his sister before he left. I listened to the ways he quietly, silently, said his goodbyes. His sister said he made his bed. He never made his bed, but he made it before he went on his last late night drive.
I called my mom as I headed over to the crisis hangout after getting the news. One of my students requested we have a time to be able to facilitate them being together to process, cry, or just be with each other through their hurting. She asked me if I was okay. At the time, I was like, "of course I'm fine, I'm worried about my kids!" Then she asked if I was being triggered and she told me o be careful driving, especially with all of this going through my bead during my hour drive to the meet-up. (The hour drive is because I'm temporarily required to be out of my roommate's house due to construction, so I'm staying with my dad.) I told her that I would be careful and that I was feeling okay. She told me to call if I needed anything.
At first, hanging up, I was touched, but a little confused. Why was she so concerned about my triggers? We haven't talked much about this. She knows how hard it was when Country Boy died, because she received my millions of phone calls as I tried to process his suicide. However, she normally doesn't seem to acknowledge my traumas, and she doesn't really use the lingo. As I continued to drive, and process (because driving is a time brains commonly use to process due to the eye movements), I began to cry. I had memories, flashbacks, and tears my whole drive. I was glad for the time in my car to be able to sit with memories and feelings. I had time to sing worship songs and pray. The tears could come and I could prepare.
My heart hurts.
While talking to these sweet students, I learned that it was the 5th suicide of a friend for some of them and the 10th suicide for others. A 14 year-old lost her brother. A mom and dad lost their only son. A cop witnessed someone take their own life as he turned to get his business card.
This young man experienced such immense hurting and darkness in his life that he felt he had no way out.
At the ripe old age of 19. Fresh out of high school and life was imploding for him. His days felt like his life held no hope, no way out of his problems and pain. He felt he had no lifeline.
Yet, his friends and family and even people he doesn't even know are all reeling in his wake.Tears are being poured out for this immense loss. There is a hole in hundreds of people's hearts. There are rippled of effects from the drop in this pool of community. He experienced the loss of a couple of close friends by suicide. No doubt adding to the pain he experienced. But, for him, this seemed to be his only solution.
My heart breaks. My heart breaks for the loss of my friend. The shoulda, coulda, woulda's are still painful for me. Though there is not the same intensity at the sting of the loss of him, there are still moments I think I see him. Or times I believe I see his truck. Memories of him as I drive the roads and see the places I visited with him.
My heart breaks for his family and friends that will now have to try to continue on in life without his presence. They will have to battle with their own regrets and replaying of his final months. They will battle against denial, sadness, guilt, anger, questions, fuzzy memories, and wondering why. Faith will be called into question. The benevolence of G-d will be scrutinized. is parent's marriage will be tested like never before and his sisters will forever grieve with the rest of his family as they meet each milestone along the remainder of their lives.
They will be haunted by his memories, his smell, his room, and his pictures.
I am grieved for them that they are beginning this long and arduous journey. This path that nobody want to travel and nobody can prepare for. You can get help along the way, but ultimately each of his loved ones that he left behind are having to fight through the darkness he left behind.
I can see his side, within reason. And I've been on the grieving end. Even still, it all hurts. No matter what, it sucks. It sucks because a life was taken far too early. A life was lost way before he grew old.
There was a choice to end his suffering, that also ended in suffering.
I don't believe the choice he made was entirely selfish. I don't think he made the choice to be revengeful or to hurt anyone else. I also don't believe this was a choice he made lightly. He tried to ease the minds of those he left behind. No doubt it grieved him, thinking about those that would be hurt by his passing. Chances are, he didn't realize how many would be effected by his choice to leave this world.
My heart hurts for him. My heart hurts for the many, many others that I have grieved for that have died by suicide.
Now, I ask that you join with me to pray for his family and friends. Remember them as you continue on. Remember those you've lost or who have been impacted by the heaviness and pain caused by suicide. Pray for the parents, siblings, and friends of those who have passed on in such a manor. Remember that we all carry pains that nobody else knows about. Please, please, try to use your filter of grace to see these events when you encounter them. Me, of all people (who becomes angry at the need to use my grace goggles sometimes) is pleading with you to consider the pain of those that died.
Also use gentle words when attempting to comfort those left behind. It's okay to say nothing. It's okay to say that you are sorry for their loss. It's okay to tell them that you are hurting for them. Don't tell them suicide is selfish, it's not.
My heart is hurting.
Showing posts with label tears. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tears. Show all posts
Friday, February 1, 2019
Thursday, July 12, 2018
Down the Tunnel It Goes
I had my first session of EMDR this last week. It has helped tremendously, so far! I have not yet had to terrible of nightmares and I've been able to remain in the moment better than I had been in the past couple of weeks. I'm really hoping that this continues to be a good form of therapy for me.
Just in case you guys are at all curious about it, I wanted to share a little bit about what my experience was like.
So first thing that happened when I went in was that the therapist asks what I want to work on. I went in with a very specific plan to work on exbest friend's stuff because it has been causing me a great deal of distress for a long time now.
She gave me the little buzzing paddles and asked me to pick the intensity and speed that I wanted to use for the memory. I set it accordingly and she had me describe the memory. She says I can tell her as little or as much as I want. She kept asking questions, as counselors/therapists do, but I didn't go into as much detail as I had to using exposure therapy (you have to use as much detail as possible).
We started with e getting comfortable and holding the paddles. We started with letting my mind go to the memory. She checked in with me to have me describe what I was feeling and going through. We went another cycle and the memory and feelings got more intense. She checked in again. This cycle lasted several times, then she had me sit with the memory and the physical feelings and the thoughts that came up. After a few cycles of that (memory + buzzing, then a check-in), the memory started to reveal several things to me.
Personally, this process brought up the ways I tried to fight and then showed me the 7+ ways I was triggered that reverted my brain into trauma mode and sent it back to it's original conditioning. While this likely does not make much sense without going through the process, it was incredibly freeing to be able to go back into a memory that my brain was constantly reliving for months and to be able to process it with such clarity.
Then, as I started to process the triggers, and what I had done to prevent the cursed even from occurring in the first place, the oddest thing happened in my brain and I saw it as clear as a movie: the memory faded and started going down a tunnel. It was partially filed in said tunnel, but not like my normal filing where I put it away to try to process it later with my counselor. No, this time it was filed as something I had survived and what I had done right and why I couldn't stop it.
Now, this memory is much less disturbing and my brain has released it from continually coming up and causing nightmares, flashbacks, and the subsequent dissociation/depression. I've been able to wake up without sleeping 14+ hours, be on time, get ready without losing track of time, and I've been engaged and happy instead of a constant flat affect and no energy. All of these things are my signs of dissociation and depression.
I'm not saying that this process was not difficult. I cried. I cried like big, burning tears from a place of deep hurt and betrayal. However, it was far less distressing than continually having your brain try to process a memory and failing because you are stuck between short and long term memory, and you can't find the reason/logic/emotion between anything. My brain was ridiculously overwhelmed and this allowed me to process it effectively.
Guys, I'm very grateful for my counselor recommending this type of therapy. I had come a long way in counseling, but there are things that set us back on our road to recovery. Sometimes these roadblocks refuse to move and our brains cannot go "there" to knock the block down because it is too distressing. At this point in my recovery, I was able to go through the EMDR process and receive relief and help. When the counselor at my college (who was 1] untrained in trauma help and 2] unpracticed in EMDR) tried to use this therapy, I was too far in the trauma brain and had not processed anything at all. By starting in therapy/counseling first, getting to a place of healing, then trying this intensive therapy, I was able to finally have coping skills in place and be able to understand my recovery process much better.
I'll keep you guys posted on if it continues to be helpful or if I start getting some of the terrible side effects. So far, however, I'm hanging in there.
Just in case you guys are at all curious about it, I wanted to share a little bit about what my experience was like.
So first thing that happened when I went in was that the therapist asks what I want to work on. I went in with a very specific plan to work on exbest friend's stuff because it has been causing me a great deal of distress for a long time now.
She gave me the little buzzing paddles and asked me to pick the intensity and speed that I wanted to use for the memory. I set it accordingly and she had me describe the memory. She says I can tell her as little or as much as I want. She kept asking questions, as counselors/therapists do, but I didn't go into as much detail as I had to using exposure therapy (you have to use as much detail as possible).
We started with e getting comfortable and holding the paddles. We started with letting my mind go to the memory. She checked in with me to have me describe what I was feeling and going through. We went another cycle and the memory and feelings got more intense. She checked in again. This cycle lasted several times, then she had me sit with the memory and the physical feelings and the thoughts that came up. After a few cycles of that (memory + buzzing, then a check-in), the memory started to reveal several things to me.
Personally, this process brought up the ways I tried to fight and then showed me the 7+ ways I was triggered that reverted my brain into trauma mode and sent it back to it's original conditioning. While this likely does not make much sense without going through the process, it was incredibly freeing to be able to go back into a memory that my brain was constantly reliving for months and to be able to process it with such clarity.
Then, as I started to process the triggers, and what I had done to prevent the cursed even from occurring in the first place, the oddest thing happened in my brain and I saw it as clear as a movie: the memory faded and started going down a tunnel. It was partially filed in said tunnel, but not like my normal filing where I put it away to try to process it later with my counselor. No, this time it was filed as something I had survived and what I had done right and why I couldn't stop it.
Now, this memory is much less disturbing and my brain has released it from continually coming up and causing nightmares, flashbacks, and the subsequent dissociation/depression. I've been able to wake up without sleeping 14+ hours, be on time, get ready without losing track of time, and I've been engaged and happy instead of a constant flat affect and no energy. All of these things are my signs of dissociation and depression.
I'm not saying that this process was not difficult. I cried. I cried like big, burning tears from a place of deep hurt and betrayal. However, it was far less distressing than continually having your brain try to process a memory and failing because you are stuck between short and long term memory, and you can't find the reason/logic/emotion between anything. My brain was ridiculously overwhelmed and this allowed me to process it effectively.
Guys, I'm very grateful for my counselor recommending this type of therapy. I had come a long way in counseling, but there are things that set us back on our road to recovery. Sometimes these roadblocks refuse to move and our brains cannot go "there" to knock the block down because it is too distressing. At this point in my recovery, I was able to go through the EMDR process and receive relief and help. When the counselor at my college (who was 1] untrained in trauma help and 2] unpracticed in EMDR) tried to use this therapy, I was too far in the trauma brain and had not processed anything at all. By starting in therapy/counseling first, getting to a place of healing, then trying this intensive therapy, I was able to finally have coping skills in place and be able to understand my recovery process much better.
I'll keep you guys posted on if it continues to be helpful or if I start getting some of the terrible side effects. So far, however, I'm hanging in there.
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
2 Year Anniversary
Today marks the 2 year anniversary of Country Boy dying. Unfortunately, with him, I get a solid three days each year that I lose my sh!t because all three are anniversaries.
#1 - the last Sunday of Spring Break (that's when he died)
#2 - March 30 (that is the actual date that was the last Sunday of Spring Break)
#3 - April 11 (his birthday, just a week and some after my birthday)
He wasn't even 19. He just needed to find enough reason to live another two weeks and he couldn't find it.
I haven't been sleeping well this last week. Last night, I fell asleep at about 9:30 p.m., woke up every couple of hours, then woke up and couldn't fall back asleep at about 3 a.m. It's now 5:45 a.m. and I still shouldn't be getting woken up by my alarm clock until about 6:30...
Yesterday afternoon (March 29), Brother took me to the cemetery. I bought a small bottle of whiskey and shared it with Country Boy. His alcohol tolerance is much better than mine, which is good because I couldn't only handle about half of the tiny bottle and he got every other swig. We went yesterday because Brother has to work until late tonight and the cemetery is creepy at night and also in a sketchy part of town. I might go back and sit with him today, but it depends on how much energy I have after a full day of sim lab for peds.
Counselor says I'm doing well. I started making a binder with all of the handouts and exercises Counselor gave me. I'm hoping that when I move, I'll remember my binder on my Bad Days. She is probably one of the strongest, most bad ass women I think I've ever met. Yet, she still told me that she couldn't imagine how hard it must be to live knowing that my attackers are on the loose. It sucks, but I'm here and kicking. I'm barely going, but I'm not doing what Country Boy did to my family and friends. As much as I would love to no longer be here, I'm not going to be a trauma to those I love or even just know.
She made me feel strong. By Counselor telling me she couldn't imagine living in my shoes, after I've heard how strong she is, it made me feel like maybe I'm dong okay. People tell me I'm strong, but it just makes me feel weak when they say that. There are the pity eyes and that tone they say it with that break me down, especially on my weak days because those are days I can hardly breathe. So, when I feel weak, and people flat out say I'm strong, I don't believe them and I assume they're lying. For some reason, having her tell me I'm handling this sh!tty life, by myself (and G-d), and I'm still finishing school and plugging along, it was a boost. (*I apologize for the structure of that last sentence, I'm typing through tears, sleep deprived, mourning again, and otherwise struggling*)
I had an interview yesterday. They said it went really well but that I have to wait for the hiring manager's boss to get back to her to make sure I can be hired. I pray the L-rd lets me know what needs to happen. It would be nice to be able to start house shopping and planning for my post-graduation future, but the move to this particular location holds a few complications... I'll keep y'all posted though!
Well, I suppose I better go get ready for sim lab. I get out late this afternoon and then I'm headed to the bar with a couple friends. I don't know how today will go. The past week has been hell, but not as bad as last year. Last year, I survived the day. This year, it is uncertain but I will survive to the best of my ability. I look like sh!t though.
#1 - the last Sunday of Spring Break (that's when he died)
#2 - March 30 (that is the actual date that was the last Sunday of Spring Break)
#3 - April 11 (his birthday, just a week and some after my birthday)
He wasn't even 19. He just needed to find enough reason to live another two weeks and he couldn't find it.
I haven't been sleeping well this last week. Last night, I fell asleep at about 9:30 p.m., woke up every couple of hours, then woke up and couldn't fall back asleep at about 3 a.m. It's now 5:45 a.m. and I still shouldn't be getting woken up by my alarm clock until about 6:30...
Yesterday afternoon (March 29), Brother took me to the cemetery. I bought a small bottle of whiskey and shared it with Country Boy. His alcohol tolerance is much better than mine, which is good because I couldn't only handle about half of the tiny bottle and he got every other swig. We went yesterday because Brother has to work until late tonight and the cemetery is creepy at night and also in a sketchy part of town. I might go back and sit with him today, but it depends on how much energy I have after a full day of sim lab for peds.
Counselor says I'm doing well. I started making a binder with all of the handouts and exercises Counselor gave me. I'm hoping that when I move, I'll remember my binder on my Bad Days. She is probably one of the strongest, most bad ass women I think I've ever met. Yet, she still told me that she couldn't imagine how hard it must be to live knowing that my attackers are on the loose. It sucks, but I'm here and kicking. I'm barely going, but I'm not doing what Country Boy did to my family and friends. As much as I would love to no longer be here, I'm not going to be a trauma to those I love or even just know.
She made me feel strong. By Counselor telling me she couldn't imagine living in my shoes, after I've heard how strong she is, it made me feel like maybe I'm dong okay. People tell me I'm strong, but it just makes me feel weak when they say that. There are the pity eyes and that tone they say it with that break me down, especially on my weak days because those are days I can hardly breathe. So, when I feel weak, and people flat out say I'm strong, I don't believe them and I assume they're lying. For some reason, having her tell me I'm handling this sh!tty life, by myself (and G-d), and I'm still finishing school and plugging along, it was a boost. (*I apologize for the structure of that last sentence, I'm typing through tears, sleep deprived, mourning again, and otherwise struggling*)
I had an interview yesterday. They said it went really well but that I have to wait for the hiring manager's boss to get back to her to make sure I can be hired. I pray the L-rd lets me know what needs to happen. It would be nice to be able to start house shopping and planning for my post-graduation future, but the move to this particular location holds a few complications... I'll keep y'all posted though!
Well, I suppose I better go get ready for sim lab. I get out late this afternoon and then I'm headed to the bar with a couple friends. I don't know how today will go. The past week has been hell, but not as bad as last year. Last year, I survived the day. This year, it is uncertain but I will survive to the best of my ability. I look like sh!t though.
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Needs and Wants List
Believe it or not, this list took me a long time to write up. It also brought a lot of tears from some reason. Regardless, here is the list of my needs and wants for my life:
Needs
Wants
Yes, I know a couple of the wants are not realistic and are things that I cannot control. I get that. These are just the things that I had pop into my head.
Needs
- Food
- Water
- Sleep
- Shelter
- Safety
- Graduate nursing school
- Some kind of job
- Clothes are good...
- Showers are nice...
- Cars are handy...
- I need to be okay with me, eventually
Wants
- Friends
- Happiness, even just a little bit eventually and every once in awhile
- Really great L&D or NICU job after graduation
- Move somewhere new
- Maybe become a traveling nurse in a couple years
- A quiet mind back
- Nightmares to chill out
- Family that's not batshit crazy
- Report the guys
- Forget all 3 of them, at least the pain they caused me
- Have hope for a future
- Have fun again
- Stop being scared every time someone knocks on the door, trucks, certain parts of town (because of the guys) and just about everything else in my life
- To be "okay"
- Stop having so many "Sad" days
- Stop feeling numb all the time, I want to be happy again
- Stop being so angry all the time
- Not feel so dirty, broken, shameful, unworthy, unlovable, unwanted, undesirable, rejected, and worthless
- Stop feeling crazy
- Stop feeling like I'll turn crazy
- Be able to laugh without feeling empty after
Yes, I know a couple of the wants are not realistic and are things that I cannot control. I get that. These are just the things that I had pop into my head.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
No Snow, Snow Day
Today campus was closed for a second snow day this year! Here's the kicker though, we barely have a centimeter of snow! I think they closed school because of the high wind, but it still seems silly to not have terrible amounts of snow but to still call it a snow day. Whatever! I love that I got my homework done in advance and didn't have to go to class. Unfortunately, it means that I have to make up my anatomy lab, but that probably won't be too bad.
Three tests next week, a paper, and a chem quiz. Plus I have an interview for a scholarship tomorrow and a chem lab quiz on Thursday, but it's really more of a test. The following week, I have one more test, and then the last stretch of school before finals! I am so ready to be done with school, I can't hardly believe I'm almost done with my first year of college. It has been crazy, but so fun and definitely worth all the stress, tears, and struggles. L-rd willing, I will still be saying college was worth it when I graduate in about 3 years.
Also, since I didn't get the RA job, I was stressing out about where to live and who I could room with. Yesterday, my friend that I used to be in a dorm suite with asked if I wanted to live with her! I'm super excited because we got along, we know how to live with each other and she is not someone who is constantly up in my business. She pushes me to do better with people, not procrastinate, and also pushes me to be more athletic (but I am finally starting to enjoy it on my own anyway). Hopefully we can find an apartment that we can afford and L-rd willing we will have a good year next year.
On a totally un-related note, I have decided to do the stair hike again this Saturday. Yes, I will think this is a bad decision again when I show up, but I really enjoy the feeling I have when I get to the top and I need to be able to climb it in under an hour. I am bound and determined to be able to climb this thing close to 30 or 45 minutes by the end of summer. That means practicing at the gym and every Saturday I possibly can.
My love life: Who are we kidding, I don't have a love life.
Daily Thanksgiving: I got a snow day! I was super productive with homework, laundry and straightening my dorm room. I now have a roommate for next year and school is almost done for the year. Also, I got into the community college so that I can take microbio over the summer and drop a 17 credit hour semester down to 13!!! Today, I have so much to be thankful for. Everyday we have so much to be thankful for, today I just have a huge list that is coming to mind.
My tip of the day for nursing school: Look at your necessary classes for your degree early on and plan which classes to take during the summer. If your school offers interim classes that give you 3 credit hours for one week of intense schooling, definitely do it! If you can take summer courses and whittle away at your heavier semesters, definitely do it! Anything to take less classes in one semester is best so that you can study more and keep your grades up without going insane. Trust me, you will go insane anyways, but it's all worth it.
Three tests next week, a paper, and a chem quiz. Plus I have an interview for a scholarship tomorrow and a chem lab quiz on Thursday, but it's really more of a test. The following week, I have one more test, and then the last stretch of school before finals! I am so ready to be done with school, I can't hardly believe I'm almost done with my first year of college. It has been crazy, but so fun and definitely worth all the stress, tears, and struggles. L-rd willing, I will still be saying college was worth it when I graduate in about 3 years.
Also, since I didn't get the RA job, I was stressing out about where to live and who I could room with. Yesterday, my friend that I used to be in a dorm suite with asked if I wanted to live with her! I'm super excited because we got along, we know how to live with each other and she is not someone who is constantly up in my business. She pushes me to do better with people, not procrastinate, and also pushes me to be more athletic (but I am finally starting to enjoy it on my own anyway). Hopefully we can find an apartment that we can afford and L-rd willing we will have a good year next year.
On a totally un-related note, I have decided to do the stair hike again this Saturday. Yes, I will think this is a bad decision again when I show up, but I really enjoy the feeling I have when I get to the top and I need to be able to climb it in under an hour. I am bound and determined to be able to climb this thing close to 30 or 45 minutes by the end of summer. That means practicing at the gym and every Saturday I possibly can.
My love life: Who are we kidding, I don't have a love life.
Daily Thanksgiving: I got a snow day! I was super productive with homework, laundry and straightening my dorm room. I now have a roommate for next year and school is almost done for the year. Also, I got into the community college so that I can take microbio over the summer and drop a 17 credit hour semester down to 13!!! Today, I have so much to be thankful for. Everyday we have so much to be thankful for, today I just have a huge list that is coming to mind.
My tip of the day for nursing school: Look at your necessary classes for your degree early on and plan which classes to take during the summer. If your school offers interim classes that give you 3 credit hours for one week of intense schooling, definitely do it! If you can take summer courses and whittle away at your heavier semesters, definitely do it! Anything to take less classes in one semester is best so that you can study more and keep your grades up without going insane. Trust me, you will go insane anyways, but it's all worth it.
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