Confusion on the Friend Front

It's been several months since I've posted, and it's kind of weird to think about that. Nothing has really been going on though.

Work is work. I battle apathy and terror. Depression and mediocre days war for my attention. My nightmares come back but they're different and beginning to fade. Though I wake up angry many days. My counselor has been on maternity leave since Thanksgiving-ish. I'm still single. YoungLife has become a distant memory and a struggle and a point of hurt, all at the same time. Friends seem to be a thing of the past for me.

I'm anxious in this period of waiting. I'm antsy. I feel something coming, but I don't know what it is.

Still, through all of these things, I hope there is something good coming. The past few months I went from things scheduled every day, being busy with YoungLife, work, counseling, piano lessons, and various other activities down to nothing but work. Spread out days of work, no less. I was supposed to go to a weekend getaway with some friends but they cancelled. I was supposed to go on a leader's retreat for YoungLife, but I couldn't convince myself to go, and then there was a funeral that ended up happening the day we were supposed to leave. I'm not sad I didn't go to that, because I just didn't want to. I don't want to force relationships with people who keep hurting me but that is stupid because then I'm all alone in the world.

Friends have been incredibly flakey lately, not even answering my texts. Canceling plans. Otherwise seeming to ignore me unless they need something. I don't know how I get here over and over again. Friends that say "we should hang out again!" "I'm so glad we met because we just get each other!" and other things, but then they don't answer texts and I don't see them. Maybe it's my phone that doesn't work? Maybe I'm the annoying friend that people try to avoid and only hang out with once in awhile because I'm so exhausting. Maybe I'm boring or have nothing to add to the conversation. Maybe I don't understand how the world works so it seems pointless to try to talk to me because it doesn't get them anywhere.

I'm a quarter of a century old and I'm utterly alone in the world. I don't understand. It's not for lack of trying. I joined YoungLife in hopes that I could make friends with leaders and make a difference in the lives of high school kids where I didn't have any help at that time. My teens answer half a conversation and then leave me on read before we make any plans. I pick up extra hours at work, try to arrange my schedule to be able to hang out with others but they cancel last minute and refuse to help me when I ask for a returned favor. My brother can't be bothered to answer my messages. My parents answer, but sometimes not for several days.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANY OF IT!!!

We're after the holidays, people should be slowing down and getting back into their routines. Surely somebody somewhere needs some company for something.

I'm too old to be upset and literally crying about these things. Yet, I found myself on the phone crying to my mom several times in the past couple of weeks.

Maybe I need to go back to counseling.

Trial and Error

Ugh, the amount of high's and low's I experience per shift in L&D has given me a terrible case of whip lash. One shift goes great, while the very next night is absolute hell and I can't seem to do anything right.

Last night's shift was a crazy combination of both.

I admitted a patient who was there for an elective induction, but did not want any of the meds to get labor started...

Then I immediately got another pt who needed an epidural pronto and then her blood pressures bottomed out and she went from a 5 to a 10 and delivered in 1.5 hours.

About 3 hours after the delivery, as I was getting caught up on charting, my preceptor came to me and asked if I minded taking ice water into the delivered patient, and asking what they decided to name the baby since they had waited until after the birth to pick a name. I went in, asked what the name was and you know what? They named their baby after me! I was with them for a total of maybe 5 hours, missed her whole recovery because of my other pt, and they honored me by naming their baby after me. Yes, I happy cried and teared up in the room. I don't think I have ever been so honored by anyone, let alone someone that I barely knew.

I came out and sat down to chart when my other pt pressed her call light. I went in and she said she thought her water broke. Okay, so normally we are supposed to check them when that happens so that I could report to the doctor. Well, this particular doctor was planning to come in and check her and break her water about 30 minutes after when she SROM'd. So, I figured I would check her (as normal) and go let him know. Well, I got REAMED for that because apparently he likes to check his own patients when he is at the hospital. I had been told this at the beginning of my orientation, but I am still in the task-oriented phase of learning and I did what would normally be done.

I'm trying to let it roll off my shoulders and just learn for next time, but it's still frustrating to me that we bend over backwards for doctors, and yet they yell at us for something so small as a preference. Nobody was hurt, nothing bad happened, and it didn't change the course of treatment at all...

I will do it differently next time. I will do my best to remember the little nuances and remember every doctor's preferences as best I can... but I'm still going to complain about the way that we are chewed out for stupid shit every day, just because the doctor is having a bad day or likes some random things done a very specific way.



Deep breaths. He'll be mad at me for the next several weeks and I will have months of proving myself to him and the other doctors. I hate this part, but I am also the most motivated when I feel like people are expecting me to fail, so I guess we'll see how it goes. L-rd willing, I don't struggle too bad.

Recap

It's been awhile since I've posted, I noticed that today... Sorry about that everyone.

Let's recap over the past several days that I have not been writing about my "facinating" life:

• I nearly quit after being made fun of and ignored for an entire night at work. Labs were taken down, except for mine... My CBC coagulated and had to be redrawn by day shift because I played RT, and nobody took down my labs even though one nurse took down everyone else's and showed back up to the unit as I was headed down for my measly 3 labs... I attempted to help keep a child from dying and was made fun of TO. MY. FACE. by a nurse who is consistently hateful to all of us new girls and various people around the hospital, as well as an RT who most everyone has a hard time with, seeing as the nights that he is on, we are our own RT's... You can see my shock when I was mocked for turning up oxygen, suctioning, and attempting to straighten the tubing on a vent kid that was desating to the 60's before grabbing her nurse. It was an awful shift. I went home and broke down before sleeping and losing it with my new nurse friends.
• Work was redeemed the next shift I had because I got not one, but THREE compliment cards and a backpack! The week before I had gotten a coffee cup for being "flexible" and willing to come in on my day off from a last-minute call, for a shift I never signed up for.
• I worked Thanksgiving, which turned out going really well. Mom came down from Home State and it was so wonderful having her here! She cleaned my kitchen while I was at work. I had tried my hardest to have my house clean by the time she got here, but it simply didn't happen. My Mema housed My dad's two brothers and their families for Thanksgiving. So I got to visit with much of my family and it was absolutely wonderful! I didn't spend as much time with them as I had wanted to, but I was working most of the time they were here. Sometimes being a nurse is a huge inconvenience and slightly painful, because I miss out on some of my favorite opportunities to have precious moments with family, but there are many sacrifices with being a nurse. For now, while I have no children, I will survive the sacrifices. My family knows I'm working hard and Someday, I will have many many favors saved up and hopefully people will be more than willing to help me because I have helped them. This has backfired many times before... it will likely backfire again. Life goes on and I will know I did everything I could, within reason, to 1) keep boundaries and also 2) be a team player.
• Oh, and I began watching the Gilmore Girls series on Netflix. How have I lived without this show my whole life??? My babysitter used to watch it every afternoon, but I would go upstairs and watch 7th Heaven. What a delightful, hilarious show! I'm so glad Netflix has brought the blessing of Lorlai and Rory to my consciousness. So glad I don't live in the Ivy League and rich people lifestyle. My goodness, I could not do it. 
• Guys, I got a haircut!!! I look like I'm halfway between Tris and Jennifer Lawrence. I look a little boyish, to be honest, but I also have not worn makeup with the hair yet. I'l test it out and let you know how it goes. Mostly, I like not having to put my hair up and it's nice to blow it dry and have it take less than 30-45 minutes to get it dry to then have to straighten it. Plus, my curl/wave is working with the cut and actually enhances it. I don't even have to straighten my hair if I don't want to.

New to the NICU

I have been with the same preceptor for several weeks now, but I requested a change so that I would be able to see how the other nurses go about organizing their day and also so I could get some chances to work with the vent babies and see all that I could while I'm still on orientation.

So, I got put with a different nurse on Tuesday, after rocking it with my original preceptor on Monday. Guys, on Tuesday the original lady said she missed me because I was starting to do so well! She also mentioned she missed me because she was having to do actual work that day... Not certain if that tells you anything about preceptor-ship or not but my teachers keep disappearing throughout the days they have me...

Any who, I ran a little bit late on Tuesday, the times that I waited for my lady to come help, but when I got to do what I knew I needed to do, I did just fine! She came and found me finishing up my second assessment (on time, mind you) and she helped me by making milk for the next shift while I charted! She told me she was going to be my assistant for the day and let me try to be the nurse and hey, I did it! We even got in a bath for one kid and put the other one on a nasal cannula instead of a CPAP device. Well, she changed over the CPAP to cannula with a respiratory therapist while I started on the first baby. The vent babies now scare me a little less, and I think I can hopefully start to care for two babies pretty consistently now. I know I kept their beeping down to a minimum because I actually stayed with the kids all day instead of remaining in the nurses station where the beeping gets insanely loud with all the babies going off at the same time.

What have I learned? I learned to do what I need to do without waiting for my preceptor. If they are nowhere to be found and I can start on some kind of task, then I just need to go ahead and do that. I learned this in nursing school too. I avoided my instructors all the day long! and had much easier days than the students who went to the instructor instead of their primary nurses. Hahaha, don't learn from me kids, I just need a lot more independence to learn than many of my friends seemed to choose. Keeping away from my preceptors and instructors ensure for me that they are not meddling in my work. If I know what I need to do, I can take their advice after I'm done (as long as it is safe for me to do so, I ask questions when I'm not sure and scared about hurting somebody, don't get me wrong). However, for routine things not involving needles, IVs, transporting, changing machines, or other safety issues, I do what I know I need to do without waiting for them because I'd still be waiting there for help, and it's been four days.

I've certainly had my days of feeling completely worthless. Even now, I miss a lot of things, but going from a very "on the ball" nurse to one who is great at teaching and letting me fix my own mistakes with no ridicule, I'm glad I asked for a change. Yes, I was just starting to get to the point where I knew my original preceptor and could anticipate all that she wanted me to do. But every once in a while, she would remember something I miss that I never learned and I would get in trouble for not knowing to do it. With my new nurse, I learned about vents, changing from CPAP for a nasal cannula for a baby, and also how to care for micro premies. She is more gracious when I get behind and has a "go-with-the-flow" attitude that reminds me a lot of my mom. She lets me figure out what I missed on my own and while I attempt to be more strict on myself and I try to imitate my original preceptors nursing ability much more closely, I connect and learn better from my preceptor now who lets me try to figure it out on my own and doesn't make me feel bad for missing things.

Looming Deadlines...

It's nearly 11 p.m. here and I'm supposed to be getting up at 5 a.m. for work tomorrow...

I can't sleep because I've been trying to take NCLEX practice tests and start studying because I'm scheduled to take my NCLEX on Friday.

It occurred to me today, while at my "cousin's" kid's 1st birthday party, that I'm taking the NCLEX this week. Then I started thinking about how little I've studied because of work, moving, exhaustion, depression flare-ups, and general PTSD bullshit coming back. C'est la vie, non?

Anyway, I also started considering pushing it back another week or two to give myself some legit time to study. I don't know what to do. Do I just get it over with and hope that the 54% average on practice tests gets me on the passing side of the NCLEX scale? Or, do I try to attempt another shot at studying more?

They say that by passing nursing school, you should have most/all of the info needed to pass this damn test, but being on this end of taking the silly thing, I'm not sure how much I believe that. 54% is a pretty abysmal score to get on anything, let alone a $200 test. I guess I'll see how the rest of the week goes and if I need to, I'll change the date by Wednesday so that I don't lose said $200...

Goodnight y'all

Great News!

So, if you've been following my journey through the Board of Nursing thus far, you would know that I hadn't gotten my permit... hadn't...

I got it yesterday!

I checked the website, out of the blue, and all of a sudden it looked much different than it had any other time I checked it. I looked closer and it was because my permit had been posted!

My HR lady was so excited when I called her! Her enthusiasm matched mine and that was a great thing to hear. She transferred me over to the education director and she was even more excited! They asked if I was okay starting in the middle of the week, or if I wanted to wait until a new week started. I told them, "I've been waiting months to be able to work, so the sooner the better!" the HR lady really seemed to like that answer ;)

Anyway, I go to work on Thursday (tomorrow) but it's mostly just paperwork. Then Monday is hospital orientation, but I'm hoping to be able to work a couple days in between but we'll see.

Off to try to be productive and study for the NCLEX. Maybe I'll just take another nap.

Oh the beach!

Y'all, I just got back last night from a 2 week vacation and it was amazing! Sorry about the extended radio silence. A week at the beach and a week (split into two little pieces) of visiting with my family that lives in the south. Oh man, they are funny and boy can they cook.

We drove home to Home State and got in at about 0400 time there. I could have been dropped off at my new home, but I wanted to go back to get my dog. So, mom let me come to Home State, pick up the puppy (she's about 9 now) and then mom drove puppy and I back to Small Town yesterday. Actually, I drove but she was there. She just left here for Home State about an hour ago. I miss her terribly already...

Paperwork finally went through and I got to register for my NCLEX! *screams silently in head* I'm terrified. This is scary!!! What if I fail? Then I have to pay to take it again and my nursing permit will be revoked so I will be out of work until I pass it. Oh goodness, how could I handle that? How could I handle another thing wrong, I still feel like I'm on a constant teeter-totter and could fall into a pit that I'll never be able to get out of. I feel like I could drown at any moment and just not take another breath because of sheer exhaustion of surviving. Anyway, since the paperwork is in and I registered for the NCLEX, it'll take up to 10 business days from the day they processed it for me to get my permit so I can start working. Hopefully it happens sooner than that because I'd really like to begin working. Mema says they have babies again which is good for me but scary for the poor parents. It's one of those double-edged swords that makes nursing difficult.

So, it's just me a Puppy figuring out how to live in Small Town and getting our schedules back in order. Praise the L-rd for His timing and His provisions. I'm just barely making it, with loans from my parents and my one credit card nearly maxed out (and hardly any money in the bank). Money is tighter right now than it was when I was in college! Ah well, I'm hoping everything will get settled here shortly.

So Beyond Frustrated

In this, the modern day where people can communicate across the world via email in a matter of seconds, New State decided that it still wants to operate in the Stone Ages.

About a month ago, I completed all steps on New State's board of nursing website in order to be able to get my attestation to test (go-ahead to schedule my NCLEX) and the one bit I had to have the school send, I talked to the lady and had her send it.

Fast forward to two weeks ago...

I received my copy of the school's paper (it's a form from the university letting the board of nursing know that I have, in fact, graduated the accredited nursing program) which was sent to me the same time it was sent to the board of nursing. I got it a couple days later and figured the board of nursing probably received it at about that time as well. The website says I have to wait 10 business days for it to be processed.

Fast forward to last friday...

I called the board of nursing and waited on hold for an hour!!! This wait simply allowed me to talk to a girl telling me to wait a couple more days until the 10 days had happened because they "probably received it, but haven't put it in the system yet". Okay, fine.

Fast forward to this Tuesday...

I checked online, as I had for the past two weeks, but still nothing had come through. Okay, maybe day #10 was too soon, I'll wait another day.

Wednesday...

Nothing.

Jump to today (Thursday)...

I called three times and was hung up on by the automated answering service because the call lines were "too busy at this time." What?! That's ridiculous! Why are there not more people employed here? I have to talk to somebody and figure this out. I've got a job that is waiting on me, no money, bills to pay. Now I have credit card debt, and no income because I'm waiting on the damn state to process a piece of paper...

I called a fourth time and it finally went through. Waited 20 minutes on hold while looking on the website for another number, any number, to get me through to a different phone line.



That's when I found it. I found a number to a specific person's phone line and when I called, he picked up right away! After about a 5 minute explanation of my current situation, mentioning the fact I had waited about 15 business days when the website says only 10, and I have a job waiting, the gentleman gave me about 10 excuses. One of them being that the department that processes graduates is currently "understaffed" and only 1-2 people working there on any given day. I remained kind and calm but in my head I was wondering why on earth they don't hire more people for that damn job. I get that 1-2 people are processing ALL of the paperwork for ALL of the applications that come through their state, but they know that graduations happen at least 2 times a year. You guys know this, why are you not banning vacations and hiring more people for these seasons so that the massive influx in paperwork doesn't make you get backed up all damn year? And why, oh why, are we still processing papers instead of emails??? Guys, we can make this easier for everybody if you'd just change things up a little bit and think things through better. Good heavens!

Whatever, he continued on (without me saying a word) and told me that he was sorry for the wait and that he would take my name, number, and a description of the problem down to that department and have them get in touch with me.

An hour later I received a call, from a girl down in the processing department, telling me that she couldn't find the letter/envelope/MY PAPERWORK.

Oh my gosh, I'm gonna lose it. I've been waiting for 3 fucking weeks and somewhere along this medieval process, I'm the one that got lost. Why when I have all my ducks in a row, I bust my butt to have everything on my end complete and I have a job waiting on me, does the process breakdown and cause me a boatload of extra stress that's completely unnecessary. I'm one of 2 people, out of about 60 nursing students who graduated in my class, who has not scheduled or been approved to take the NCLEX. The other girl is waiting, on purpose, because she doesn't have the money at this particular time. The other students don't all have jobs yet, but they've already taken and passed their NCLEX. Why did my form get lost? Why am I having to wait???

And what makes it even better, I emailed the only lady at my school that is able to send of that paper and she is on vacation until the 28th of June (about 4-5 days away). So, it'll take at least a week, probably more because she has a lot of emails backing up while she's gone, before she even gets my email. Then another few days to get the form situated and sent via snail mail. From then it'll take about a week to get to New State's board of nursing where I get to wait another 10+ business days for it to be processed.

At that rate, I'll be jobless for another month. I have no money. My parent's don't have $2000 to lend me for my July bills and I don't know what the hell to do. The board won't accept the copy that came to me from the school because their copy has to come "straight from the school." It can't be faxed or emailed because the board of nursing requires that the form be embossed with the nursing school's stamp in raised stampage form.

I'm so irritated. I don't know what to do or how to fix this because everything is literally out of my control. All I can do is wait on other people who seem to be taking their sweet time. I told the board and the lady at my school that I already have a job and I'm only waiting on them but that doesn't seem to help. Hell, at this rate I will fly back to Home State, pick up the sealed envelope myself, fly back down to New State and hand deliver the damn thing and watch them put it in the system that very moment JUST SO I CAN START WORKING! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

You may be thinking, "Bedpan Alley, maybe G-d is working this out for a particular reason! Maybe He is working on your patience! Maybe He is trying to get you to trust Him to provide and He does everything in His own time for His glory!!!" Yes, dear reader, I understand all of these things. Someday soon, I pray that I will get to update you all with excellent news saying that everything is situated and I get to start working. For the time being, I'm frustrated and angry that I was the one to fall through the cracks. I'm losing my mind from the stress of not being able to work for 1) I'm so excited to begin my job taking care of babies, 2) to have something to do with my time, 3) socialization, 4) money to pay my bills, and 5) to have something to do with my time!!! I don't handle extended periods of down-time well and I haven't worked since Christmas of 2015. Guys, it's June of 2016, and almost July. That's nearly 7 months without work and at least 2 months without even having school.

Guys, pray with me for a miracle here. I need it.

Giddy Up and GO!

After nearly two months of no wifi at the places I've been staying, I finally got internet in my new house today!!!

My house is coming along, it's just taking forever.

We got in at 2 a.m. Home time and 3 a.m. Small-Town time. Good heavens, that is way too late after I had woken up at 6 a.m. the day we left! That's about 20 hours up and going and an 8 hour trip on the road!

The house G-d gave me is one of the cleanest, best houses we had seen. In fact, it was the cleanest and nicest house we had found. However, in the time between when I first saw the house and I moved in, little cockroaches had come into the house and there were about 8 lying belly up on the floor in various rooms. *shivers*

I had never seen a real-life cockroach before then. Well, now I have! I sprayed most of the house the next day with ant, spider, roach, flea, and tick killer so now my garage looks like a roach battlefield with little dead guys belly up all over the place. Meanwhile, I can't get over that there were roaches in my house. YUCK!!! To combat this, I am disinfecting every shelf, drawer, and counter space. Then, as if that weren't enough, I got some lavender scented moth balls and I'm keeping all food items in plastic tubs and putting linens in tubs too. I just want to keep bugs away from my stuff. Damn bugs, if they pay rent and stay in the shed outback, then okay, I could deal. However, they think they can live rent free in the house and that just plumb isn't going to work.

I'm still waiting to be able to start working. I'm stir crazy waiting to get to working and I really need the money. I think I have enough to tie me over until I can start working in July, but I would really love to start working before I do on vacation in two weeks. Unfortunately, the nursing board government systems take forever because every newly graduated nurse in the country is turning all of their paperwork at the same. damn. time. So frustrating.

So, I get to start writing more and I have internet to keep me busy. It's weird not having homework to procrastinate from. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do anymore... ah well, I'll figure it out. I'm fixin' to go start working anywhere I can get a job just so that some money is coming in and I have something to do.

Update from the last 5 minutes of my life...

I got called off for work tonight!!! Praise the L-rd! I do not have to work again until school starts back up meaning that I have two glorious weeks completely free of any obligation to school or work. This, my friends, is beautiful!

Maybe I'll have some time with that new fella...

Lying is the Easy Part

"Are you okay" - Beauty (I have talked about her before but she just now got a nickname. She's my super pretty friend from freshman year dorms who made it into nursing school with me.)

"Ya." - Me when I'm really thinking no.

My weekend went fine. On Friday I visited my old neighborhood and all my neighbors were hanging out watching football. They asked what my boyfriend's name was (just wondering if I had one) and I told them I tried having a bf for a little bit but decided that was a bad idea (in a joking manner). I was psycho-analyzed Saturday at shul then visited my Brother. He pretty much pointed out I am probably going to turn out to be a cat-lady which sucks because I'm allergic to cats so they would likely suffocate me in my sleep. Sunday went by without a hitch until I had to go to work. They called me off then called back 20 minutes later with a "Just kidding! We just decided we need you." Fan-frickin-tastic, I have a test tomorrow I need to study for!!! I hardly got a break all night. The first four hours consisted of me keeping an Alzheimer's patient from escaping and the nurses (he had 2 because 1 was training for the floor but was already an established nurse) waited until the charge nurse had to call security on the patient because he was getting aggressive. After they got him some Ativan I was floated to another floor to watch 4 patients. They were more or less spazzing out, having panic attacks, and asking for sleeping meds repeatedly from different staff members because the nurse had already exhausted his meds.

From that crazy night I went home, changed, then headed to school for a test. I thought I did okay until we took a group test so that we could see how we did and get a couple extra points towards our test grade. After we did that I figured out that I pretty much failed the test...

After class my friends dragged me to lunch at a place downtown because we had been planning to go out and catch up before I had been having a bad day. The food was okay but the conversation got weird because they asked about each other's relationships and then asked me how my roommate was "because that's the relationship I'm in right now". Their words, not mine. Good news, Beauty is planning her post-grad life with her boyfriend and likely soon-to-be fiance. Big Red is fixin' to get engaged once her boyfriend sells his motorcycle. Everybody's lives are moving on and people have such big plans and it's plain to see that I don't. I don't have a relationship, exciting life plans, or any other noteworthy conversational pieces to share. That's normal for me and I can typically cope with that until it's pointed out hundreds of times in a weekend by all the people I love.

So, when Beauty asked me if I was okay yesterday after lunch and today during class I said I was. I wanted to tell her no. I wanted to tell her that my depression is getting deeper and deeper. I want to explain what is going on in my head and the pain in my heart and the fact that life is such a struggle for me right now. I wanted to tell her, but she wouldn't understand. Therefore, it's simply easier to lie.

I'm Back

It seems as though I've been neglecting this blog for quite sometime now! For some reason, it almost feels like I haven't been on in a few years, but it's only been a month at most.

Well, my life has been hectic. School let out the week before Christmas. So, I went from finals week, straight into an insane amount of work. I worked Christmas Eve night, then a double on Christmas, and finished it out with a "float" shift the next day. I was run ragged all three days, but I made close to $500 in just those 4 shifts because of overtime and holiday pay. Then, I kept booking myself for doubles on Sundays and I have my IT job every Monday and Tuesday of break. Needless to say, I am tired and ready for life to slow down. Will it? Not likely. However, I gave my last two IT shifts away and today is the last day I had signed up for my CNA job so I will be off all next week!

Did anyone else work on Christmas? Was it crazy? Mine was. Praise the L-rd I don't celebrate Christmas anymore because I would have been even grumpier than I already was. My day started out behind because one of the overnight people called in to QUIT when she was already 30 minutes late for her shift on Christmas Eve. So the next day, nobody was up or dressed because the girl they got to cover, refused to change or dress anyone. Thanks. As we were still rushing around to get people ready after breakfast had come and gone, the power went out. Super! Thankfully, it came on about 20 minutes later and didn't stay off for the 5 hours it had last time it went out. That was a really bad day. Nonetheless, we worked through it. Families were calling in from 6 a.m. on asking for their loved one to be dressed a certain way and ready by a certain time. Did the residents agree to this? Of course not. Did the families come at the expected times? Never. It was a minor dilemma though because most family members were in such a good mood due to the fact it was Christmas that they got their loved ones dressed themselves. That's the good thing about family coming in, the resident won't cooperate for us, but they will do anything for a familiar face. By the time my second shift rolled around, half of our patients were out with families and the other half were in food comas scattered about the common area. We got them into bed, my partner was super chill and allowed us to go slow and take our time instead of rushing everywhere to get the people to sleep and my day ended better than expected.

IT was so slow the first two weeks of school that I cleaned almost every class room that has computers in them. Then, this week, we got our new shipment of computers in. They are cool and extremely heavy. So heavy, in fact, that I hurt my back and could hardly walk. It was an injury that started at my CNA job and was exacerbated by IT. Worker's comp and injuries on the job are a HUGE hassle and I had no idea they got so complicated when working two jobs back-to-back. I'll fill you in more when I go talk to my manager today.

This next semester is exciting though! I start clinicals and have Health Promotion as well as Developmental Psych and Sociology (online). We will see how this goes! I love psychology and I'm excited to have two classes not entirely centered around nursing. Let me tell you, it's nice to meet people with different majors than nursing, especially when you are surrounded by the same 40 nursing students for 4 months straight. Maybe I'll meet some new friends! I desperatly need more in my life than nursing because I may start to get burnt out soon and I'm not even an RN yet. How sad would that be?

Friday Night Adventure

I'm the kind of girl who does hardly anything besides work and school. Part of this is due to the fact that I procrastinate throughout the week so I must get caught up on Friday and Sunday, leaving Saturday for Sabbath rest, of course.

Anyway, today (well, yesterday by now) I had quite the adventure.

1) My washing machine broke a few days ago so I put in a work order a while ago. After about a week of having my washing machine out of commission, we were brought a brand new one today from the apartment complex. The maintenance guys brought it up a whole flight of narrow stairs and hooked it right up. Beautiful!

2) About an hour after the maintenance guys left, I called them because my pipes froze. Folks, it's so cold here right now and we are getting so much snow that class was cancelled for me today and some kids have gotten at least 2 snow days this week! Anyway, the poor guys came back to my apartment and cut holes in the drywall that cover the pipes so they could get heat to the pipes. They finally thawed and that little fact made me so happy. No burst pipes and now my water is running properly again!

3) Went out to dinner and we talked for 4 hours. That's a long time for us, but it was therapeutic. We were able to talk about things that w experienced together last year but never really discussed and I think we made some headway in our current problems. During the dinner I missed two calls, one from my mom and another from my brother. My mom simply called to talk to me about my Facebook post about #1 and 2. Why? I don't know but I love that she's concerned about us. My brother called and texted me to say that he could not start his car so he got a ride home.

4) Went home to take an online quiz. Studied for about 3 hours and got a 76.67%. Surprisingly, I was pleased with this because it is passing. Then, off to get my brother's car working.

5) Folks, it was so cold that night (in the double digit negatives), I had to use the ice scraper on the INSIDE of my car! NOT COOL!!! Anyway, I drove my brother to the university campus where his car was parked and we fiddled with it for about 20 minutes before he decided we needed jumper cables. Neither of us had them so we drove to the closest gas station which was about 15 minutes away. They didn't sell any so the attendant let us borrow his! How generous, he lent his jumper cables to a teen boy about a half hour past midnight. Then we drove back to campus, messed with it again for about 45 minutes with no success and decided to try a different tactic. One last trip to the gas station to return the cables and we drove back again to campus.

Conversation on the way back to campus:

Him: So, you have a choice as to how we do this thing. I can make the tow strap short or long. It's up to you.

Me: What does it matter?

Him: If it's short, then I won't hit you so hard when you brake and my brakes don't work. If it's longer, then there is less of a chance that I will hit you because I will have more time to brake but when I do hit you, it'll be significantly harder...

Me:... DON'T YOU BREAK MY CAR!

Him: Don't worry, that's why you have a spare tire on the back of your car.

6) Tow strap in place, flashers on, and my brother steering his car and me driving mine, we head back to our apartment. The beauty of speaker phone on our cell phones amazes me. With several inches of snow on all the roads, snow still falling, my brother's car's power steering not working and minimal breaks (plus no working e-brake) we made our way home. The drive began at 1:10 a.m. and we went a whopping 5 miles an hour nearly all the way home because we took the back-roads. On the final leg of the journey, however, we were cruising at 15 mph on the main road! Home at 1:45 or so, we pushed his car into a parking spot and headed upstairs.

Off to bed. This post has not done my day justice but I'm exhausted and it's nearly 4 a.m. Praise the L-rd, He kept us safe on our towing adventure!

Call-offs

Today we had a no-call, no show. Guess who it was! Ya, it was the girl that was supposed to be my partner. Praise the L-rd that the night shift girl had all pts up, except for 4-5 that I helped get up. I also got to work with one of the nicest, fastest girls that we have, so that made the day better.

For all of you, whether you are in the medical field or not, do you have people that insist on treating you like you have no clue of what's going on? I understand when people are giving me advice, tips, and letting me know what I missed. However, there are always nurses that talk to me like I have no idea what's going on and it makes me a little upset. It makes me think that I'm incompetent or something, because they correct my every move and jump in to take care of my residents even though I could have totally handled it. I am also quite tired of people calling off because they tend to not be sick, they just didn't want to come in or they forgot. I know, sometimes people really do mess up and forget to come in, or the schedule is messed up, or they get sick. I get that. But last night we had 4 call off's. Folks, our facility has a maximum of 10 cna's at any one given time during the day or evening shift so to have 4 call-offs is crazy because we are missing half of our staff.

So, before you call in "sick" to work, 1) make sure that you're really sick, contagious, and darn near incapable of any level of functioning due to some bacterial or viral invader. 2) if you aren't really sick, make sure that your unwillingness to come in isn't going to cause any undue stress on your fellow employees because the truth will come out and it will spread among us faster than wildfire. I don't know how info spreads so fast when none of the cna's really work with each other, but there is a ridiculous amount of knowledge/rumors spread through minimal contact between the employees. 3) don't be suprised when you have a terrible day because someone decides to call off and leave you alone with 16 residents that require 24/7 attention. It's brutal and a very cruel punishment.

That's all the venting I have about work. I put in my "2 months" unofficial notice and applied to over 10 jobs with the nearby hospitals. The more I go to my current CNA job, the less I am able to tolerate all of the residents, the families, and the nurses yelling at me constantly. Nobody seems to realize that they can do the simple things they ask me to do. Nor do they realize that I am one person, who is bottom of the food chain, and I am responsible for 16 other people at any given time. I don't get paid enough for the abuse inflicted upon me by residents, let alone the families and management.

Halloween is quickly approaching. With it comes the couples costumes, scary shows, horror films, and evil looking decorations and masks. I don't tolerate this season well, especially now that I am an adult. I thought it would have gotten easier with time, but no...

Daily Thanksgiving: Work is done for today and I only have one more shift next week before two weeks off. I am actually studying... a week before my pharm test instead of the day before or the day of! I'm praying that G-d let's the info get soaked into my brain so that I can get an A because I'm putting a lot of work into studying this time (besides the little break I'm taking to write this.) Today without country music was easier. I have my days, but today was a better day breaking that addiction. I get to go to bed soon and I don't have to be a CNA tomorrow!

Good night y'all. Ttyl. I hope you sleep well and I hope life is going well. If not, praise G-d and learn from it. If it is, praise G-d and enjoy the peace because, let's face it, peace hardly lasts for long in this life. :)

New Personal Record!!!

Woke up @ 7:04 a.m. because I set my alarms wrong...

Work is supposed to be @ 7:20, requiring me to leave by 7:10...

Dressed and in the car by 7:09 a.m. and clocked in at 7:24! (the clock is about 5 minutes fast, which my boss knows)

I'm sure I would have slept until about 10 if G-d wouldn't have woken me up and given me the adrenaline rush to get ready so quick.

Praise the L-rd for watching out for me in all areas of my life!!!

A Better Day

I've been going to the same church for about a month and a half now. I am really starting to enjoy it too. Still, I haven't plugged in and I don't really know anyone because 1) I'm shy, 2) I don't know how to make friends... 3) it's a large church. Last night they made an alter call for anyone who needed prayer. G-d laid it on my heart and I went up. He even showed me who to go to.

I went up and my problems just spilled out of my mouth as tears started streaming down my face. The lady I had been shown prayed with me and even invited me out for brunch this morning. G-d is really using this woman to help me tremendously. She has spoken over my life and G-d has reassured my heart. I know I will still have "bad days," but my current stretch of struggling has subsided. She has also given me some more resources and has given me ideas for new young adult groups both on campus and at the church. She also knows one of the teachers at my nursing school and she is going to get me in touch with her in case I need prayer at school or just to have someone else that I can get help with for nursing school. Furthermore, (I'm not a fan of that word, but it fit...) she told me how to get started in childcare at the church!!! Oh my goodness I miss my babies. I think I'm addicted to the oxytocin, but is that really a bad thing?

So, I feel much better. It's only been a day, so time will tell, but I have a devotional book and a new friend with daughters my age.

My brother introduced coffee with hazelnut creamer to me. Ya, that's a problem.

Off to work. I'll let you know how it goes. I am planning on talking to my manager about transferring or quitting today. It's a new development that occurred just this week at my meeting with my nursing school mentor (the other nursing student that is a year ahead of me in the program.) She told me that I seemed miserable and depressed at my CNA job. I knew that I disliked my job and that it stressed me out to no end, but I hadn't considered quitting until I talked to my mom. G-d has allowed for me to get extra loans so that I can financially be secure if I quit. So, I discussed it with my mom and my dad and I know that I can't take much more of this nonsense at work, so I think I'm just going to quit. Then, I'll have more time to study, my cortisol (stress hormone) levels will hopefully decrease, and maybe I can even get better grades. I really want to get A's this semester, but that's going to take a miracle, even with my decreased work load.


BTW, I drank two cups of coffee with that delicious creamer and it's making me need to pee every 5 minutes. Those 2 cups were a bad idea because this is super inconvenient... Forgive me for the TMI but my brother is gone and I and hopped up on coffee with no one to talk to. (I know that doesn't make the most sense grammatically, but my brain is kinda going nuts right now.)

First Day of Nursing School: Successful and Complete!

Last night was stressful, I tell ya. Let me give you some background into my anxiety about today's scheduling...

Yesterday, on my way home from my CNA job, I remembered that I have a new nursing student orientation meeting today after my first/only class of the day. This would not be a problem if I did not have to be at my on-campus IT job 10 minutes after my class lets out. Anyway, I emailed my boss yesterday (Sunday) to ask him if it would be okay if I went to the meeting and I apologized up and down for not telling him sooner but I totally expected him to be upset or give me a guilt trip or something. Instead, I got the nicest email saying that I could go ahead and stay at the meeting and just come into work as soon as it was possible after the meeting! After so many bosses give me guilt trips and everything for stupid things that aren't even my fault, it is so nice to have a boss be okay with my school schedule. I love my new IT job by the way. I sit in the library and monitor the tons of printers we have to make sure that they have toner and paper, but it is all monitored through the computer. So, I don't have to leave the help desk unless something is wrong or if a student/person needs some help. With all of that down time, I have the freedom and opportunity to study or do anything else I need to do during that time, all the while getting paid nearly as much (78 cents less, to be exact) as my high stress, high demand, back-breaking, and mentally taxing CNA job with the geriatric population. How crazy is that?! Plus, I learned that my boss' wife is a NICU nurse at a local hospital. She works on the level III NICU floor (which I don't think I can handle) and I want to be a NICU nurse before getting my Midwife certification.

Anywho, today worked out just fine. I got to go to the nursing school meeting and work went well. My first day is completed and it was a success. My brother also had a good first day and we kinda almost have this carpooling schedule down, or close to coordinated. I'm praying that this week continues to go well and that nursing school is more fun than I am imagining it will be. I am also praying for better grades than the professors make it seem like we will be able to receive... Everything is in the L-rd's hands and I have to trust Him to make me a nurse or lead me down whatever path He has chosen for me. That's scary, but totally necessary.

Random thought: I recently bought some new music as a treat for working 3 doubles, a single, and picking up an additional single (in which I filled the role of 3 CNA's for a couple hours and fought back nasty, nasty anger at the situation) in one week. Getting back from that sidetrack, however, I found a new song that kinda got me thinking. Does it ever seem like G-d is giving you messages through music, friends, common occurrences, etc? This song felt like one of G-d's messages. The song is "Haven't Even Kissed" by Moriah Peters. I like her music, it's fun and filled with messages about G-d. This song, in particular, is one that resonated with me because of my few months of guy "troubles". They probably aren't really troubles, but my mind is perceiving these experiences as negative. So, the song gives me hope and calms my bitter, self-pity because self-pity is a slap in the face to G-d. When we have our pity parties, we might as well tell G-d that we don't believe that He holds our past, present, and future. It is us throwing a fit and convincing ourselves that we somehow deserve more just because we are spoiled brats who are used to getting everything we want or at least hoping to get everything we have ever wanted. How lame is that?! It's awful! Every good thing in our lives comes from the L-rd and we have the audacity to tell G-d that He isn't providing what we want when we want it so our life is not good. I'm sure it even gets worse than that most days. Moral of the story, listen to the song or read the lyrics. If you're like me in my radical dating boundaries, then perhaps it will give you hope and snap you out of any wedding cycle (my made up word, look up my post "Return of My Cynicism" or click the label to take you to the post for the background to this made-up problem) like ruts you may find yourselves in, it certainly helped me a bit.

Daily Thanksgiving: I started legit nursing school today and it was a success! My new boss is super chill and my job is even relaxing compared to being a CNA.

Maybe you're just confused...

Full moon = craziness at work for the entire week! It was made worse by the fact that I worked 3 scheduled doubles and another single shift. Then they called me in for another single shift (bringing the total up to a whopping 8 shifts in 1 week) but I was the only CNA when there are usually 3... Needless to say I was livid, grouchy, and I am currently burnt out at this job.

Good news, though, there is an opening for the mother baby floor at a local hospital (the one that hired me the same time I got hired at this old folks' home) and it's PRN too! The only down side is that their orientation is a week long and I have school that I cannot miss. So, I will call them about it and apply in November so that I can hopefully do the orientation over winter break and get set up in the hospital!

A thing that I have recently noticed about nurses, however, is that many of them (us) have diarrhea of the mouth. This means that we say really stupid things and have to remove our foot from our oral orifices on numerous occasions each day. I have also recently discovered that I have a relatively thin skin and can get easily offended when someone questions my intelligence. What brought about this discovery? Oh, years of being questioned and targeted as people's mission in churches when I discussed my questions concerning doctrines of the church that I do not see as being congruent or found in the Bible. What brought it up recently? My charge nurse telling me that I'm confused about my belief system because I believe in Jesus but don't celebrate the Jesus holidays (Christian holidays). I made the mistake of telling people at work (only when they ask) that I celebrate the "Jewish" holidays that Yeshua (Jesus) celebrated instead of celebrating the Christian holidays like Easter and Christmas.

My little spiel begins with asking all of you to please not assume that I took the change lightly. Going from celebrating Christian holidays all my life to doing the Biblical ("Jewish") holidays was not a change that occurred spontaneously. I don't do anything spontaneously, at all! I resist change, I research all areas of life that I don't understand, and I am too scared of life and possible consequences of any action to even leave my house most days or have any human interaction. (I believe that may have been a run-on... I am very sorry. I tend to have run-on's in my rants.) So, for someone to tell me that I am confused and laugh in my face in front of fellow employees/friends when that person is the one asking me questions about what I believe is unacceptable. Don't tell me what I know and what I don't. Don't tell me that I don't know something that I have actually researched for years on end. Oh man, you can tell me a lot of stuff, but don't tell me what to do with my life and don't tell me that I don't know my own beliefs.

Now I am working on forgiveness... I think this came about from asking G-d to teach me to forgive and to be more compassionate and patient. If you ask for these things, which you should because it's good to be working on these things with G-d, but be ready for a rough life for the next few weeks/months. Man alive! This simple little request has made my summer very trying indeed!

In completely unrelated news, I went to church today. It was really short, only an hour and a half! I am used to being at congregation for 5-7 hours because I get there way early to help set-up, then leave really late after everything is cleaned and put away. I don't know if I will continue to go there because I was actually meaning to go to another church but got confused so I improvised and tried a different one. Long story short, it was an okay service, but I am going to go the the one I originally was going to go to because my mentor recommended it and it is supposed to have a pretty good worship service Friday nights. 

School starts Monday and I already have homework due the first day of class. 'Nough said.

Meeting at the Reunion

Do you ever go to family reunions and you have to meet everyone that claims they know you? It's an odd event really. You know that you are related by blood or marriage to most/all of the people there, but you don't really know them. This forces a somewhat awkward situation. It's like friends trying to set you up on a date based off of the fact that you both like to bowl. You know that there is something in common, but what on earth do you talk about for the other 4+ hours of the reunion/date besides what you know about the other person already?

Last year, I met my "cousin". He's not really my cousin because his grandparents are my Mema's aunt and uncle. So, it gets really confusing and I just decided to save myself the headache and claim him as cousin. Anywho, last year we discovered that we would both be in the nursing program together. In fact, we had chemistry together the first semester. Unfortunately, our conversation stayed pretty minimal, at best. This year, the reunion was way smaller, but I got to talk to him for most of the day instead of smiling at stories of when I was a baby and these strangers/long lost family members last saw me. While this was a blessing, it was also slightly uncomfortable seeing as I am not a conversationalist and there were about 2 hours of luls in the conversation and an hour worth of talking... Golly, I need to work on my people and conversation skills!

Good news, I got to see my newly retired Mema and she may be moving closer to us! She is currently about an 8 hour drive through 3 states, but she is originally from the little town that my dad grew up in and most of her family is here. I so hope she moves down here. How amazing would it be if she could teach me how to be a nurse once I graduate?

Off to work a double... #too early (totally just kidding, I don't do hashtags)

Over Halfway!

I took my "midterm" today for my week-long class and I got a 89%. It seems that I can't break past this B ceiling of test grades lately, but I am very grateful that G-d got me this good grade! I was fearing that I would have done much worse, but there is a really good chance that G-d can get me an A in this class! That would be so nice.

I got my schedule for my 2nd job today and I work Thursday morning (I don't have any class Thursday which is perfect!) for a few hours and then I work Monday afternoon right after my Monday morning class. Hopefully I will be able to study during these shifts, but I'm kinda doubting it. I am just very glad that I do not have to work until midnight because they are open at 7:30 nearly every morning and they don't close until midnight most nights. I don't know why because we are just IT but I'm kinda excited for this job. I go and meet my new boss and another new hire that I will likely be working with. I am so glad that I only have to work 2 extra days a week and I really hope that my grades stay good this year. I am going to try really hard to stay on top of my school work, but I tried that the last 3 semesters of college (all of my college career) and it hasn't really worked completely yet. So, this extra job will either be extra motivation or it will completely sink me and I will have to quit before next semester... We shall see. I am getting better at not procrastinating. It's a slow, painful process, but G-d's bringing me along.




*Disclosure: the following rant may contain content that may make some people uncomfortable because it has to do with the spiritual realm and evil works that we are all currently witnesses to.*

In the meantime, I am trying to finish my homework and studying for my week-long class but my brother is playing this atrocious zombie game. Ugh! It's absolutely disgusting and I can handle barf, poop, bodily fluids, birth, surgery, and bones being sawed! This is just a video game but it is probably one of the most evil things I have ever seen. I am so appalled by the new popular fascination with the "living dead", vampires, ware-wolfs, witches, goblins, warlocks, and demons. Folks, these things are from the Adversary (Satan). Don't kid yourself. Teen girls falling in love with vampires that are hundreds of years old because he is "immortal" is not from G-d. Ware-wolfs and zombies are not holy, in fact, they are very evil. They aren't even original, these themes have been seen before... IN THE BIBLE!!! We are warned about things like these, but they weren't make-believe then and they aren't now. Read Genesis 6:1-8. Nothing is new under the sun and these things that have suddenly grown in popularity should not be taken lightly. Don't play these games, watch the movies, read the books, entertain the ideas, or buy into these lies. If you have, it's not too late, but you have to get rid of the materials and start praying. Get out of it and get it out of your house. Invite G-d in, don't entertain evil because that is just inviting the Adversary. I want to destroy my t.v. and break my brother's game because this zombie game makes me sick to my stomach because it is so full of evil and I am very sensitive to things like this. G-d gave me an extreme sensitivity to Himself and the spiritual stuff going on. That's right, all of the vampire, witch, magic, zombie stuff that is going on is not just man-made, it all has it's roots in the spiritual realm.

Moral of story: think about what you expose yourself to and what you allow your family to be exposed to. Things aren't as they appear and a simple "love" story could have a deeper, very evil meaning.

*End of Rant. The rest of my post is clean.*




Daily Thanksgiving: I got an 89% on my test! I work excellent days this next year and I got another job with IT! I am over halfway through my class and probably closer to 3/4 through it. 1 more day of lectures and 1 day of study/testing and then I am finished. I volunteer to babysit children with special needs on Friday with a bunch of my fellow nursing students of all classes (sophomore, junior, senior classes) and I am very excited! Nursing school starts in 18 days. G-d keeps giving us rain which is such a beautiful thing after all of the fires my state has had already this summer. G-d protected my friends house from any damage from the fire (when we were evacuated). G-d totally convicted me last night of my current overall heart status with James 3-4. Oh golly, He gives me just what I need all the time. Even though it is kinda hard to hear, it's the tough love that let's me know that He is still willing to shape me and fix me to be who He needs me to be. He has also given me more strength to get over this wedding cycle that I have been going through lately (it was slightly self-induced due to the 3 guys who were kinda in my life).

I'm exhausted, so I'm gonna go to bed. Read James 3-4, hopefully it can help you wherever you are in life. Let G-d convict you because we have to be broken before we can be reshaped by Him. It's like muscles. You have to over-work them so they rip (microscopically, a large muscle tear is a serious problem and you should get that looked at...), but G-d created our bodies so that when they are repaired they get bigger and stronger!