Meaning of Life

Millions of people have dedicated their lives to figuring out the purpose and meaning of life.

Writings are found in scriptures, and it is arguably the point of most, if not all religions.

Here I sit, after watching the movie Gifted, and I am contemplating the meaning of life. What the hell.

I've been in existential crisis mode for years. Maybe it is my developmental stage. Maybe I'm destined for greatness. Maybe, just maybe, I'm having the same wonderings that everybody else has because that's just what humans do. We all think that our lives should have meaning.

Some of us find meaning in making loads of friends and having tons of connections. Some of us have incredible brain power and focus on academia, solving the problems of the world, or inventing things. Some of us believe that bringing children into the world, loving them, and raising them to be "good people" or the best they can be is the point in life. Some of us chase monetary gains, travel experiences, time with friends and family, or other means to make our days full and busy and something that will strengthen the heart.



Bear with me for a moment, but what if there is more?

There has to be more to life than marrying someone, procreating, having happy days, chasing dreams, studying your life away, enjoying sunsets, and believing in some sort of deity or spiritual power.

There has to be more than waking up, eating, going on about your day doing whatever makes you happy or whatever is "necessary" for sustaining the life you believe you need to have, and then sleeping.

There has to be more than meeting your basic survival needs, maybe adding in some fun and relationships, and then calling it good for the entirety of your thousands of days on earth.

There has got to be something bigger behind us "making a life for ourselves" while on this earth, and potentially having your name or "legacy" remembered for a few generations. Somewhere along the line, whether a few days or thousands of years after you die, you will be forgotten.



So, then, what's the point? What's the point in going into millions of dollars of debt to continue on in your schooling? What's the point in losing time with family and friends so that you can go study? What is the point in trying to solve problems of the world, because you won't be able to solve all of the problems of the world. Plus, for each problem you solve, there are probably hundreds of others that come up.

What's the point in me missing time with friends and family to work? It doesn't matter that I love my job and my friends are also at work. The point is that I am "sacrificing" time of my life, a lot of time for that matter, to serve others who will no sooner forget my name than 3.85 seconds after I sign off for the day with them and the next shift comes in to take over.

But, then, what's the point in spending time with friends and family? They'll die, and betray you, and hurt your feelings, and cost you money, and be a weight on your shoulders. Yes, they are fun, provide love, and allow you to occupy your time doing desirable activities (hopefully). But, what's the reasoning behind it?

Why do we spend most of our lives with people we barely know, providing services that don't benefit us more than bringing in a paycheck, in order to spend money traveling, eating, on family, and to provide a roof over our heads and maybe even a bed to sleep on. Who cares? By the time you die, will that job really have meant a whole lot? It keeps you away from your family and friends, requires training and brain power, causes stress, forces you to interact with people who may/may not cause mental/physical/emotional harm to you.

Doesn't this seem counter-intuitive? Doesn't it all come out in the wash as being futile?

Why bring kids into the world? By your actions, another life is added to the count on earth. By doing this, you sign up another being to a life that is not guaranteed anything but turmoil, pain, sharp learning curves, ridicule, tears, and suffering. Great, there are times of laughter and joy. But, we're human. Being a Bible-believer, I believe it when G-d said we are going to spend our whole lives toiling. And for what?

Yeah, kids are great. If I believe that last bit about the Bible, I also have to believe that G-d told us to "be fruitful and multiply". To which I get to add ALL of the passages about life being painful, stupid, futile, lacking in meaning, and I come to the conclusion that none of it makes sense. Why sign another human being up for the pains and challenges of life that WE refuse to deal with on a daily basis?! Those poor little beings don't even have a choice in the matter! I didn't have a choice in the matter of being place here, with the difficulties of life, and yet here I am. I'm not mad at anyone that I'm here, I just don't find it particularly logical for me to bring a life into the world when I cannot rationalize being here, myself. (Which is probably for the best seeing as I would, at the very least, need to go find a sperm donor, cook the little soul for several months, and then go through the laboring to get the little life out of me... via torture that is largely self-inflicted.)



You can argue that our meaning in life is to be a good person, for G-d to mold us into whatever He wants us to be. Blah, blah, BLAH. Yada yada. *insert Charlie Brown's teacher in the middle of an 8 hour rant here*

I don't care.



None of this makes any sense to me. The older I get, the more research I do, the more I study scriptures and listen to people (from all backgrounds, not just seminary grads), and the more I have time to think and experience things, the more I believe that most of what I've been taught in church is bullshit.

In my experience, church is a place that you go to make friends. Yeah, you get taught some things and sing a few songs, but it's largely just a meet-up group with the common theme of religion. You can have faith if you want it, or you don't have to. You can make friends if you want, but you don't need to. There will be cliques, popular teachings, big things that are swept under the rug, drama, lies, dysfunction, abuse, and terrible damage inflicted on many.

There are lots of rules, but if you don't follow the rules you can just keep those a secret and ask forgiveness later (if you want). Sometimes there is even food. Read the book, don't read the book. Study on your own, or trust what the people talking at you say. None of it really matters because at the end of the hour and a half meeting, most of us are simply wiping drool from the corners of our mouths while rubbing sleep from our eyes or frantically scribbling down our to-do list that was bombarding our brains through the sermon. Others of us are being elbowed to bring us back from the 3 hour long day dream we just got lost in. (And yes, if you did the math, the time I allotted in this make-believe sermon was only 1.5 hours... Doesn't add up, does it? Exactly my point.)

You can feed me lines that we are humans leading humans by the leading of G-d and some other bunch of nonsense about how important church is, but I'll just get my eye roll exercises in for the week. Start spouting off the shitty cliches we learn in church about meaning, existence, purpose, forgiveness, and whatever else they've bombarded us with, and I will let you watch me walk away.



There has to be more than this. What is it?

I don't doubt that G-d is there, in control... somewhere. I believe the Bible and pray (sometimes). Maybe a lot of this stems from a struggle of faith right now. Perhaps the model of church that is causing such cynicism is something that I should be fighting against. Maybe I just despise the church that I've been going to for the past couple of weeks and I need to find a new one. Maybe I'm just hopeless in life and spirituality is one of the higher tiers of Maslow's hierarchy and it's not my foremost goal at the moment.

Who knows?! I just know that life largely sucks at the moment. It has for months now. I'm over it.

But I don't want to take meds.

To Rest in the L-rd

Resting in the L-rd is such a personal thing. Nobody can tell you how to do it. It is necessary for growth, self-care, and improvement of oneself.

There are times in life where there is so much to do, that resting, let alone resting in the L-rd, gets shoved to the back burner. Then, there are times in life where that's all you have.

Personally, I feel I am in a season of rest. For a couple of months now, I have been trying to start a Bible study, attempting to volunteer, and find other ways to make myself busy. In the midst of it, I had a whisper that I'm supposed to just be. That I'm supposed to relax and take in a season of peace.

When I didn't know what that meant and continued to apply for other volunteer processes, G-d continued to suggest it to me in different ways. He kept my email inbox largely silent in regards to the Bible study and volunteer opportunities. He then allowed my mom to suggest that I need to enjoy a season of rest, and a couple of weeks later she reiterated it and told me she is taking a season of rest as well. Continue on to this week where I was lamenting my lack of social and volunteer opportunities to my counselor, and she reiterated the idea of a season of rest.

I don't know how to rest in the L-rd. I don't know what that looks like, probably because I never really have... minus maybe little retreats I've been on with my youth groups. I don't know how to be still and take in alone time with the Good L-rd. I get frustrated when I am told to sit and be quiet, feeling I have no purpose in the time I am still and waiting. I like having a mission, a purpose, a task to complete. A short time ago, G-d gave me instructions to share my story. I feel He proceeded to show me more ways that I could be of service to use my story to help others. I feel like He's given me a life mission, like He's given me a calling and a purpose and a goal to work towards.

Then, in the same breath, He tells me to wait and be still.

How do you do that?!? How do you get a picture of what you are supposed to do, and then get told to sit back and not do it. Don't work towards this picture you've been given. Don't start gathering research and don't start talking to people. Instead, just be. Just relax. Just breathe. Listen to the whisper that is so quiet I cannot hear it.

What am I supposed to do with that?

How does He expect me to get a mission, a battle plan, ideas of how to proceed, and then do nothing?

And how do I then get the mission to "rest in the L-rd" but do it without instructions as to how to rest in Him?

"This Was Supposed to Happen"

Ever since my first instance of sexual abuse, I have begun to take "encouragement" from people differently. I have struggled with things they intend as being caring, and often become angry. While I try to listen and accept what they are saying with grace, there is often misinformation and ignorance behind these words.

One of the worst offenses for me comes with the phrases:

"G-d meant for this to happen."

"He only gives certain things to people that He knows can handle it."

"This was meant to be a way to help shape you for further life purposes."

{fill in from your experiences}




While I agree that G-d can bring forth beauty from ashes and healing from unimaginable pain, I truly do not believe that He causes things like trauma to happen.

Often, I have heard from pastors, rabbis, teachers, and mentors that G-d does not cause bad things to happen. Yet, in the very next week's sermon, they teach about how G-d causes things to happen so that you might be taught lessons and these just so happen to occur as hard times, traumatic instances, and sins.

These two separate teachings sound like contradictions to me.

He might allow them to happen, but He does not cause them to happen. G-d cannot cause sin to occur, nor does He tempt us. He does not cause traumatic instances, death, or destruction to occur. It's not who He is! G-d is wholly good, ALL of the time. Isn't that what we are taught from the same stage that is instructing us that we screwed up to allow devastation befall us?

With this argument that G-d does not cause bad things, my mind is drawn to the story of Job. G-d did not cause Job's children to die. Nor did G-d cause Job's servants and livestock to perish. G-d did not steal away Job''s wealth, happiness, health, or destroy his life. What we see in this story is something that continues to shock me and cause turmoil, because G-d essentially allowed Satan to have full control over the circumstances befalling Job. Then factor in that this occurs in what seems to be a BET of Job's faithfulness. However, G-d did not cause a single thing to happen to Job, only Satan did that. G-d allowed it all to happen, within very precise boundaries that He gave Satan.

I don't know about you, but it bothers me to my core that G-d does not completely protect us. However, He does only allow things to happen to us that He knows we can bear. Still, HE DOES NOT CAUSE US HARM!!!

Am I getting my point across?

This is why, when people tell me that G-d only gives us what we can handle, and He meant for us to go through certain traumas, it is incredibly offensive to me. In these times, the words coming out of their mouths are telling me that G-d chose my abuser, gave him the idea to sexually assault and rape me, and that all of this was in His (G-d's) plan for my life.

THAT'S TOTAL CRAP!

It is not the picture we are given in the Bible. It is not the teachings that are given from the mouth of G-d. And I completely understand why people walk away from G-d after traumatic life happenings, if these are the only things they are taught about G-d!

I understand that people do not say these "encouraging" things out of malice, or hatred, or from a place of trying to harm others. However, it is still not G-dly encouragement nor is it truth. I get that my personal offense is taken, basically, due to an issue with semantics and the way these leaders and teachers use their words. Not all survivors are able to process the sermons in this way, though, and so they simply hear that their abuse was their fault according to religion and religious leaders. How can anyone come into the healing and peace of G-d if they believe G-d caused them this anguish and that He and His people hold the survivor at fault for what has happened?




Recently I watched a video of a pastor telling people not to ask "Why me L-rd?" He recounts a sermon he had taught about brokenness, trials, and life struggles. He encourages his flock to not ask G-d "why me" when going through seasons of difficulty because G-d chose them for that difficulty. That He uses these things to teach people how to be people that G-d needs them to be. While I appreciate the heart and meaning behind this message, I think we often get trauma mixed up with seasons of teaching and the trials that are meant to teach us things. No wonder there is so much shame in the body of believers! This teachings tells survivors of horrendous evils that it was their fault that a particular thing happened because: they weren't strong enough, G-d wanted something bad to happen to them, they weren't good enough, their life is destined to be a life of pain, and they deserved the things that happened to them. Along side them (teachers, pastors, etc), and often reinforcing the teaching of these things, are people who have not necessarily been through such traumas.

Sometimes G-d does want to teach us things, but sometimes Satan plants an idea in somebody's mind and they carry out an evil act against another. The key here is to not get the 2 mixed up, and to allow people to come forward freely to talk about their pains, seasons of struggling, traumatic experiences, what they've survived, and what they are going through.

The other thing that really bugged me about this particular pastor's teaching, is that he is essentially cutting off a major form of intimacy and communication with our creator. When looking at the story of Job, Daniel, David, the disciples, Naomi, Ruth, Esther, and countless others, we see them questioning the circumstances and teachings in their lives. QUESTIONING DOES NOT NECESSARILY NEGATE FAITH!

We all wonder why things happen. We wonder why G-d allows certain things to take place and we question the meaning of our lives. When we are able to bring our questions about life and life events to the One who is overseeing all that happens, even in our deepest most intimate places, we are able to hope for answers.

We will not always get answers, and we aren't always supposed to. But sometimes, G-d gives us an answer, an explanation, or He allows us to see how His hand is playing a part in our life. For me, I am beginning to see how my ability to empathize with others has grown exponentially because of what I've experienced. I am learning that what I say matters and the patterns I see in my life have value to others that are on journeys to healing, as I still am. I am learning how to better walk beside people near me in their lives and struggles and to offer encouragement and friendly "counseling" (more of a listening ear). My heart has softened to the pain of others. I have moved from a place of sympathy to a place of empathy to a place of wanting to ease other's burdens, if by merely being a presence while they walk a very difficult path.

Personally, I still wrestle with G-d and ask Him why I was allowed to be abused, assaulted, raped, and cast aside. I ask Him why I was taught about life in the ways that I was, as a child. I question why I was allowed to be so traumatized, when I simply lived life according to the rules I was taught in church and what I believed He had taught me thus far. Why He didn't intervene in any of the countless times I was taken advantage of, held down, coerced, manipulated, and otherwise hurt. I also inquire as to why He didn't allow these guys to be persecuted when I went to the police. Why the judge decided exfiance wasn't dangerous enough to get a restraining order against to keep me safer and on the spectrum of being able to have police backup should he breech my boundaries (which he has many times since).

I don't think I will ever get answers for these things. However, I have not been punished for asking them. G-d allowed me to wrestle with Him, to yell and fight and punch and get it all out. Then He held me in His arms and allowed me to have peace. He gave me peace. He brought me close to His heart. After all of my fighting was through, even my fighting against Him, He drew near to me. In this place, I was given peace for the first time in years. It's a process though, I couldn't have been given peace without having been able to fight and yell and scream and wrestle with Him. It wouldn't have been the same, I wouldn't have the same understanding.


He doesn't cause bad things to happen to us and He doesn't require that we always follow with blind faith without asking questions. Just look to the Bible. Sometimes people were asked to follow "strange" instructions while being given no answers, but they asked questions. They didn't lose faith, but we are questioning in nature, that's how G-d created us. So, I think He can handle the inquiries we make of Him.

Low Pressure System = Raining Babies

I went to a hot springs resort for a few days with my mom and brother about 2 weeks ago. Everything at work was fine before work, but when I started back with labor and delivery... the unit broke. We had so many emergency situations, babies that were not at all tolerating labor, and excessive amounts of blood. Of the last 8 days, I worked 7 and most of those were spent with me stressing over the moms and babies around me. I don't know what happened!!!

We had a low pressure system/pretty bad snowstorm role in and had 6 deliveries in one night and 3 as soon as shift change was complete in the morning. An emergency c section nearly every night and sometimes 2. We had several OB hemorrhages and even bleeding moms come back into the hospital from being at home.

This was my week and I'm so glad it is starting to simmer down for the patients. Now we just have to deal with our staff being sick and recovering from this ridiculous flu that has taken over everybody.



Meanwhile, I've felt so much lighter in my person struggles with sexual assault and trauma, plus the bullshit exBest Friend pulled.

I texted him, because he had been on my heart for awhile, but that ended quickly. He started making jokes about "doing it again" and saying it was a "fun night". Utter betrayal. I guess I was hoping for understanding, for support, for anything of what I though he had been. I needed the guy that drove me to the police station and waited in the lobby for 5 hours. I needed the friend that fought so hard to make me feel better and helped me to study when freshman year of college was getting to be too much.

I don't understand how I held out for his friendship for so long. I've struggled for so long with the way that he's treated me, and others, and his philosophies of life. He was never abusive or mean, but he definitely expected others to take care of him, even though he's a grown ass adult. He's one of those people for other people having millions of dollars, and he wants to live the rich life, but he's not about to go work a different job where he can work up the ladder. Nor would he want to work anything more than his max of 8-4 or 9-5, but let's be real here, he gets out a few hours early every day because he's salary. Then he expected me to make time, out of working 2 night shift jobs with shifts of 12 hours (so essentially, he wanted me to sleep a mere 4 hours a day for 6-7 days of the week). Plus, I was supposed to pay for me and/or him, when we went out places.

Moral of the story, it's been rough because I miss what life used to be, but I must have been delusional about what kind of friendship we had. Think about it, he only hung out with me because he wanted to date me. It's impressive to keep that crap going for over 5 years, but it helped that the crush took a little while to develop in college, and in nursing school, I didn't see him much. Then he had a long term girlfriend. So, what was our friendship anyway?



Lately, between my support group, personal counseling, bible study, and various other places, it seems as though I need to share my story. I'm trying to be articulate about what has happened, but more than the trauma, I was to articulate what G-d has done to get me through. I feel like I've come further in my healing in the past couple of weeks, after weeks of hardcore, constant wrestling with G-d. The yelling at Him; crying, scratch that, sobbing so hard that I couldn't breathe; and otherwise wracking my brain and demanding He tell me why things happened to me the way that they did. Begging Him for peace and comfort and help. I'm still working on some stuff, and He's still showing me things and working on me too. It'll take the rest of my life, but for the first time since Country Boy died (in March 2014), I feel like I can breathe. I feel like I am now being challenged to know and be able to explain why I have the hope and faith in G-d that I do, despite what's happened.