New Name

I have been struggling with life. You guys know that... You read all of my mind's workings and tribulations. You sneak peaks into the difficulties I, unfortunately, continue to survive...

Well, this blog has gone from being about nursing school and nursing life, to one about my general life.

As such, and seeing as I don't deal with bedpans so much anymore, I have decided to rename the blog. I will now be Beauty from Ashes. [still BA, so that helps ;)]

Until next time, ladies and gents... I'll be online shopping for the foreseeable future.



***P.S.
I have attempted to change my address, but it seems to have already been taken and then also requested by another family. Long story, my address will continue to be bedpanalley.blogspot.com

Love,
BA

New Year of 2017!

Some of you may wonder what I've been up to for the past couple months...

Well, not much besides working. Work is getting better, mostly because I decided to stop bitching about problems that I can't fix, and working on either 1) fixing or 2) avoiding the problems I can. I know avoidance doesn't sound good, but sometimes it's okay. For instance, if there is a particular charge nurse that you do not work well with, it is okay to not sign up for her nights. Whether to simply give yourself a break or to not have to worry about being around her, or both. However, things with her are better, still awkward, but slightly better. I think she's trying to be nicer to everyone.

We have four new girls coming onto night shift in the next few months. One was a med/surg nurse for awhile and the others are new grads, I believe. Ummm, is it just me or does this seem like a bad idea? They are already upset about so many "inexperienced" girls being on the staffing sheet, let's add in a bunch of other complete newbies! I'm not saying we shouldn't give these new girls a chance, I'm just nervous that we don't have near enough experience on the night shift. If they are considering me "experienced", then we have a major issue.

I lost my first baby. Not lose as in misplace, I'm talking lose as in the baby went back to be with Jesus. It was a bitter sweet experience because those babies had a very small chance of survival, for how early they were and the start they had. And, if they had survived, their quality of life would have been terrible. I cried. I was holding it together until my ICU nurse turned NICU nurse friend started crying as she asked if I was okay. I kept baby alive for 10 hours, without sitting down/drinking/eating once in that amount of time.

There were constant drip changes, tests, blood gases, vent changes, glucose tests, IV insertions, bagging, and various other cared during that time. These babies, they were twins, fought so hard. The doctor was called constantly throughout the night and finally came in as all cares were maxed out. Doctor came in, for the third time that night, and he asked the parents if they wanted to pull support. We discontinued and capped off IV's and umbilical lines. We removed all wires we could, without putting the baby through more pain, and we gently swaddled them in the most beautiful blankets we could find. Finally, we removed their ET tubes and handed the babies to shocked parents.

Our worlds can change in an instant. In one moment, we can be excited for new babies, and picking out baby clothes, beds, and the like. In the very next breath, mere infants can float straight up to the Good L-rd's open arms.

That was my first night of 4. Following the 4 nights, I hopped on a bus headed to Home Town and visited a hot springs location with my mom. That week was so wonderful. We have 3 nights and 4 days at the hot springs, threw in a massage (my first massage ever), and had tons of time to talk over life while relaxing in the warm water. Yep, I'm gonna start getting more massages regularly. I'm working on self-care lately. I'm attempting to get an exercise plan and a workout buddy, but we'll see how far I get with that.

Well, that's all I've got for now. It's been 2 years since I met exboyfriend, and it's been over a year since I ever saw exfiance (except when he found me at that bar and the Angry Canadian from nursing school told him off for me.

Flashbacks come more in waves like memories would as opposed to the overwhelming drownings I used to live through on a minute by minute basis. These memories haunt me every day, but I am learning to survive and breathe through the waves and ground myself more efficiently.

Life rolls on and I am getting farther and farther from those guys. Man alive, I can't believe we're already about a month into the new year. Time is just flying by now that school is done.

A Little Exciting News

So, in the midst of what feels like a continual life storm at this point... I have a few points of good news!

1) I fixed my dryer yesterday. All by myself! I woke up Friday, trying to throw my scrub pants into the dryer really quick because I had washed them for work. Well, the dryer was sounding like it was working, but it was not tumbling. Great. I proceeded to dry my pants, with a hair dryer, and went to work with wet pants. Have you ever done that? Oh my gosh, wet pants are AWFUL!!!

Oh well, I called my dad on Saturday, told him what was going on and that I thought the belt had broken. He agreed that's what it sounded like. So, I took my dryer apart Sunday in hopes that I would fix it and not make it worse. Turns out the belt had simply slipped off the tension spring instead of breaking completely. Praise the L-rd!

2) I took care of 2 babies successfully, mostly on my own, for two days now! I was really struggling because i had 2 days of feeling like I had just been put through the wringer and criticized for everything even though I had gotten no instruction on how to do things... That was frustrating. Well, whatever. I shook it off and went back for another day. Friday and today (Monday) ended up turning out really well! I know two babies don't sound like much, but I'm finally getting to the point where I forget less and less during my assessments and during the day. I'm beginning to remember the various nuances and strange rules that occur in the NICU. And I am starting to find my newbie groove while simultaneously keeping most poop and urine off of the baby's bedding. Yay! (Guys, I had an incident involving projectile shit in an isolette. Add in a flailing baby and you can just imagine the art work created. While walking away from that baby's room about 30 minutes after the incident, I found a lovely, long, brown streak going down the length of my forearm. *sigh* The struggle.

3) Last, but not least, I PASSED THE NCLEX!!! Do y'all know what that means? That means I am a Real/Registered/Redneck Nurse. In case you missed it, that is three was to define the term of R.N. and they ALL describe me! I'm now a Real Nurse (maybe a baby or adolescent nurse, but I'm a real nurse), I am a Registered Nurse (of course, that's what the hospital and Board of Nursing call me), and I'm also a Redneck Nurse (as described my my nursing class and those who know me best). Guys, I am so very glad and excited to be done!

As you may know, I've been working as a graduate nurse and have been signing my name at work (as necessary) as BedpanAlley, GN. Well, today I got to sign it BedpanAlley, RN! AND I got a new badge changing the GN to RN!!! So, so, so excited and relieved.



Well, seeing as I have to go to work again tomorrow, which means I get up at 0430 (unless I want to smell good which means I need to wake up at 0400...). Anyway, I better hit the hay. As it is, I'll be getting maybe 5 hours of sleep.

Goodnight y'all!
BedpanAlley, RN, BSN

Looming Deadlines...

It's nearly 11 p.m. here and I'm supposed to be getting up at 5 a.m. for work tomorrow...

I can't sleep because I've been trying to take NCLEX practice tests and start studying because I'm scheduled to take my NCLEX on Friday.

It occurred to me today, while at my "cousin's" kid's 1st birthday party, that I'm taking the NCLEX this week. Then I started thinking about how little I've studied because of work, moving, exhaustion, depression flare-ups, and general PTSD bullshit coming back. C'est la vie, non?

Anyway, I also started considering pushing it back another week or two to give myself some legit time to study. I don't know what to do. Do I just get it over with and hope that the 54% average on practice tests gets me on the passing side of the NCLEX scale? Or, do I try to attempt another shot at studying more?

They say that by passing nursing school, you should have most/all of the info needed to pass this damn test, but being on this end of taking the silly thing, I'm not sure how much I believe that. 54% is a pretty abysmal score to get on anything, let alone a $200 test. I guess I'll see how the rest of the week goes and if I need to, I'll change the date by Wednesday so that I don't lose said $200...

Goodnight y'all

New Job

Folks, I finally started my new job. I love it!

I have spent the majority of my life, waiting to get to this job, to this point. I am graduated from nursing school, I'm employed at a wonderful hospital, and I have my dream job. Yes, this may change, but for right now I am excited!

I understand I wrote my other post sounding quite angry about my past and the abuse that occurred along with the lack of legal help that is available. It's utter bullshit. However, I'm angry at the injustices and excited for my new phase of life, all at the same time.

I am cleansed of friends that didn't work at our friendship, while I was expected to bend over backward to help them and make them happy. Sorry, but that's not how friendships are going to work with me.

So, after graduation, I cleared out my snapchat and Facebook friend lists. I have cleansed as much as I can, so that I am not followed by the negativity that surrounded those particular relationships. It was freeing while simultaneously making me very lonely. After some time, I have learned to grow accustomed to the quiet and lack of people surrounding me all the time. I'm growing up, and learning how to fit into the adult world while many of my nursing school friends are still in their college mindset, which just so happened to be their high school mindset carried over into the higher education system.

I'm seriously worried for the well-being of the world because our future is looking bleak with the abysmal characteristics of the next generation coming into adulthood. Oh boy, it's going to be a bumpy ride, at best.

While shitty things are brewing for society, to be released in the near future, I'm gonna go find me a house, on my own private island. Preferably somewhere warm, and I'll have my own private beach. Y'all can come get me if everyone calms the fuck down and figures out to behave like decent human beings... but I don't suppose that's gonna happen before I die.


Going back to the happy post, I love my job. I had 2 days in the nursery, to be able to see assessments for healthy, mostly "normal" babies who don't require NICU care directly after delivery. It was a great experience and I actually really like working the nursery, I may end up requesting that I float over to that unit or try to pick up extra shifts there. I love giving babies baths, having all those babies snuggled up, teaching moms to breastfeed, and diapers aren't even a chore because they are so tiny! However, I got to be in the NICU yesterday for a full day and that's still where my heart is. I love teaching babies to eat, getting them all settled and parents knowing that their baby is well-cared for. It's hard seeing parents freaked out, but there are little things to be able to do to comfort them.

Life As a New Grad Nurse...???

There are seasons in my life where everything seems to be going wrong. When I say "wrong" I mean, life suffocates me and it's all I can do to crawl to the bathroom in the event that I have to pee. I spend days in bed sleeping, don't need to eat, drinking something like water only happens to get down the pills, and I am paralyzed.

There are other seasons, where, for the first time in a very long time, I will have weeks of good days and I may be excited about life for awhile. Times when I see the fruition of the L-rd's work and I suddenly believe that life will work out and cooperate for a bit.

Then, there are days like today... My short bit of life right before and following graduation were wonderful. I was full of hope, some anxiety but it was more nervous excitement than true anxiety, I was able to smile, I felt lighter, I was graduating nursing school! I had a job! I was moving to Small Town and I'm getting away from the town that has produced nothing but pain for me the past year or two. I was leaving the boys that destroyed my sense of self and I would not have to worry about seeing their trucks on the road any longer. I don't have to worry about seeing them at a bar or when I go out to supper with friends. I don't have to be concerned that I'll bump into one of their friends when I go out bowling or to the grocery store. There was a light at the end of my deep, dark, looooooooong tunnel and I was nearing it!

I am nearer to the light, but it's gotten a bit dim today. I haven't started work and I've been down here for nearly two weeks. I've been graduated from nursing school for over a month and still no money coming in. Without work, I haven't been able to meet new people. A highlight in my day involves going to the grocery store across the street because they help every single customer out to their car so I get to talk to the person that helps me out. This is my socialization. I've spent time with my Mema and other family who is down here, but everyone seems to be so busy! They keep asking me how my license is coming and it's irritating to only be able to say that I'm still waiting on the board of nursing for the state. I JUST WANT TO START WORKING!!!

I go on vacation in about a week and a half and really want to work before I go on that vacation.



Through nursing school, everyone tells you how scary it is to wait to take the NCLEX. They tell you how scary it is waiting for the results. They tell you how hard the first year of nursing is, but they explain that it will still be rewarding and exciting.

Nobody tells you about the month or two in between nursing school and the NCLEX/working where life seems to stand still. It's a struggle if you do have a job because you are now college educated, working your college job... Or, you might be like me, who took a semester off of work for various reasons, and now you're waiting on the governmental agency to get their shit together so that you can begin your life!!! I'm going nuts!

Thing is, I've had so many friends text me disappointed about not having a job yet, not being able to work, being scared about how they will pay their bills, worried that they aren't good enough to be a nurse because the local hospitals won't hire them because of the mass influx in new grads, and we're all terrified. Nobody told us about this season of self-doubt, depression, anxiousness, feelings of failure, frustration at the system, and disappointment in ourselves for even feeling these things.

Most of us are having a terribly difficult time. I slept until 12:30 p.m. today and haven't left my bed yet because I have no motivation to do anything. I don't feel needed, I don't have friends to be able to see, I don't have money to be able to go do anything, and I can't see a purpose to get dressed or complete any task. Couple that with my nightmare I had last night (I'll tell you about it in my next post) and the flashbacks that are coming back in full force, I'm struggling. Now, I'm not as bad as I have been. This is the point where I can still turn my depressive episode around. All I have to do is find the energy and desire.

Graduation Came and Went, but It Turned Out Happy!

My last post was about how I was all sad at school ending. I had just finished my last final and instead of relief or happiness, I was feeling sad. Well, it's okay. Despite how difficult, frustrating, and down-right draining nursing school was, it was kind of my identity and a time of stressful excitement in my life for the past 3-4 years! The end of that is relieving, in some ways, but I've learned it's okay to be mildly sad at the ending because it's the end of a major life era.

Through nursing school/college I've:

• had countless highs and lows
• gained and lost friends
• was encouraged in my calling
• was told I would never get into the program, and then did get in!
• I went through many traumatic events, all in a 2 year time-span
• learned new things about myself
• lost pieces of what I htought was important about me, but gained new insights and strengths
• learned the basics of how to "be a nurse", according to textbooks
• had countless instructors, patients, friends, and family tell me that I was made to be a nurse
• I've cried and laughed with patients
• cuddled babies
• held the hands of people in the dying process
• celebrated "little" things with patients and families of patients
• been able to care for those who nobody else would touch
• and so much more

These things were my life. These things comprise a major part of my life and nursing school has consumed my every thought for at least 4 years! The end of such a monumental milestone is allowed to be a time of mixed emotions. Throw in the fact that I have friend and family troubles, I am recovering from PTSD, and shit is about to get real as far as my real life starting, and it's completely understandable why I was overwhelmed at a time where most people are supposedly happy.

I have talked with several of my friends, both nursing and non-nursing, that graduated with me on Friday, and they are having similar mixed feelings about graduation. Many of us are waking up in a panic because we feel we need to be in class, thought we are done now. Others are sad school is over because some of us are moving to other states and we may never see each other again, let alone every day!

Graduation is a happy time, but it's okay to be overwhelmed, sad, anxious, nervous, and a host of other emotions. Being able to feel all of these is part of what makes us human and helps us concrete these huge monuments in our memory bank.



I'll tell you a bit about how my graduation weekend went, though, just in case you were wondering...

Thursday: Pinning went well. My Mom pinned me, but Mema and Brother were able to go up on stage with me. It was a great ceremony and the Nurse's Pledge really got to me. As I was reading it with my classmates, and my family and friends listened to me promise my life for the career of a nurse, I was able to reflect and realize that nursing is my calling. The pledge sounded like it was written for me!

Friday: Graduation was wonderful! My mom's sister and her husband drove down with us. Then Brother and Dad met us at the event center. Everyone loved my cap, except my peds professor (who I've had serious problems with all semester and who mocked it in front of the other professors to my face!). I put RN but instead of "Registered Nurse" I wrote out "Redneck Nurse" and put it on camo back ground. I'm known as the class redneck and so many of my classmates and friends loved it! What's even better is that when my peds professor was mocking my cap, the other professors chimed in and told me how cute it was and how creative I was to come up with that. So, it made me feel a bit better. I got lots of pictures and had a grand ol' time during graduation. The nursing class was in the back of the graduate seating, and many of us were talking and laughing the whole time because getting through 1000+ students all graduating takes a long time! Many nursing students wore their stethoscopes as cords and I even graduated Cum Laude! I was so close to the next highest gpa, but graduating with honors at all was an accomplishment that I am very proud of.

Saturday: This was the day of my party. Many people RSVP'd, so I got food for about 50-60 people and rented a park. Unfortunately, only 3 of my friends, one of my uncles and his family came, and then two sets of family friends came. Well, my Mom, Dad, and Brother came too. It was cold and rainy, so my dad was surprised that anyone came at all, but the people that did come went out of their way to make sure that someone came to celebrate with me, so I was glad for that. I think I should have planned it for a different weekend, because so many people were having parties that day. However, it was disappointing, yet a good time to practice "spinning" the situation to find the silver lining. The spin is: the people that came are all so very dear to my heart, I was glad to be able to spend lots of time with each of them individually instead of being overwhelmed by the amount of people who showed up.

So, it was a good weekend. My favorite day was graduation. I got so many photos with friends. I shared a lot of smiles and hugs. The whole day fell into place and G-d worked out the whole weekend just the way it was supposed to be. I'm so very glad for that.



Ladies and gents, I would like to present to you... ME! I graduated counseling, nursing school, and I am beginning my adult life with a job right out of college. Life will not be easy by any means, though many days I wish it were. However, I know that sometimes the L-rd blesses others through the struggles I have and the L-rd blesses me through different events, both seemingly good and bad events. Life is a journey. It's hard, fund, and every changing. All we can do is hold on for the ride and pray that someday, our life makes a difference and we learn the lessons we are supposed to learn while here on this earth.

I'm approaching this next phase in my life with cautious optimism. I'm terrified, but I see the L-rd working every day. Most days are still a struggle, but I'm not bed-bound anymore. Even today, when it's cold and cloudy and I have nothing I really need to do, I pulled myself out of bed and got my butt to Starbucks. I'm making baby steps in my healing journey and graduating counseling is proving to be a struggle. However, I know that I can go back to counseling at any time, but it is meant to be a temporary crutch as opposed to a new life-long sentence/expense.

I graduated!

Now I'm: BedpanAlley, BSN!

I have to catch myself, I keep calling myself a nursing student instead of a newly graduated baby-nurse... I'll fix that in time. Maybe someday I'll begin to feel like a nurse, but the learning will never end. Good thing I love to learn, right?

I thought it would be different...

Well guys, I just finished my last final of nursing school. You wanna know something? I passed! That means I graduate on Friday and I have the opportunity to sit for the NCLEX to see if I get to be a registered nurse or not.

I thought it would be different. I thought I would be so excited, celebrating with my many friends, and I figured I would have a better plan. I thought this was supposed to be a happy affair.

Right now, I'm sitting in a coffee shop frustrated with my lack of support, my family split, my dreams of a family crushed, regret over my past (guys and friends) encompassing me, stress over legal matters drowning me, and I'm living in an RV with my mom because my roomie "kicked" me out a week and a half early. I'm overwhelmed at the amount of seemingly bad circumstances I have been faced with, still knowing that other people face worse lives than mine.

I "graduated" counseling yesterday. We call it that because I used to tell my counselor that I was graduating a bunch of things all at the same time so we might as well call it graduating from counseling too. She approved and thought it was cute. Well, I fell like after yesterday, I hit new rough waters and now I need her back. Finishing counseling is supposed to be a good thing, but now it left me feeling like I'm not actually ready to face life on my own again just yet. I guess I'll try it for a couple weeks/months and then decide if I need to find another counselor once I move.

Graduation is supposed to be a happy time, but you know what? It's okay if it's a little sad or frustrating for you. It's sad and frustrating for me too.

The End of a Good Thing

Roomie and I had a fight today.

Let's start off by saying that I am not the easiest person to live with, but I do try to be accommodating. I know that I have weird quirks and depression and that a lot of people don't understand. I thought Roomie understood and was great at helping, but we lost it somewhere along the way.

The apartment we live in used to be occupied by Roomie and Roomie's mother when the mother and father split up for a short time. The dad moved to Hot State and the mother stayed here in Home State.

After months and months of separation, the mother decided to move to Hot State to be with her husband and they worked it out. Yay!

Unfortunately for Roomie, this left her and her family in a bind. She is one of four children, three girls and a boy. The boy was in Hot State with the dad, but the girls had stayed behind with their mom. Eventually, as the mom decided to move with the dad, the other kids decided to follow suit and they all moved at about the same time.

Roomie, however, had to stay behind in Home State because of nursing school because nursing school credits do not transfer. This means she needed someone to help with the bills.

At the same time that her family was deciding this all out, I was sent a text from ex-roommate (the girl I lived with last year) that she didn't want to live with me anymore. Then I got yelled at by her and her mom for not knowing that she was uncomfortable and then I got yelled at for them making plans and now I wouldn't be paying half the bills... whatever, they made the plans without me and honestly, it's their problem. That sounds calloused and rude, but they were some of those people who throw a fit just to see if they'll get free food at restaurants. Then they get free food. Or they throw a fit and yell and people (their "friends") and then their friends do what they want until the friends can't take their shit anymore and slowly fade away from their lives... I left with a hardcore cut to the ties. What 22 year old girl has to have their mother call and yell at their roommate for things the roommate (me) was never aware of because the girl (ex-roommate) never communicated a single thing? Seriously, pull on your big-girl-panties and cut that fucking umbilical cord.

Back to the story...

I texted a bunch of friends while on summer vacation and quickly found a place to live. Roomie was the first to respond and it sounded like a great deal. She could only afford $500 so she said her family was okay with me only paying that much. I offered more money, several times, for bills and cable but she refused it. Okay, then $500 a month it is.

The first couple nights, one of her sisters was still living at the apartment with us because she hadn't yet finished out her time at her job. Fine, I can handle a couple days with somebody else's family. A few weeks later, Roomie's mother comes back to Home State to visit. Roomie specifically told me that her mother would only stay at our apartment a couple nights of the 3 weeks she was visiting Home State. Well, the mother stayed every single night, in our living room, on the floor, except for 2 nights... OF THE ENTIRE 3 FUCKING WEEKS!!! She would get irritated if I had to go to class early and I disturbed her sleep because I was leaving the apartment or getting coffee. I figured that she could stay in Roomie's room as she was supposed to do, but if she wasn't going to do that then it wasn't my fault that her vacation sleep was ruined by my necessity to go to school and clinicals. The mother was at the apartment watching t.v., cooking, doing her laundry, taking baths (daily), and doing as she normally did when she lived there. Fine, whatever.

She eventually left and life ensued with Roomie, it was great. A few weeks (3-4 weeks) go by and Roomie informs me her mother will be coming to visit again. Again, I get told the mother will not be at our apartment much during her three week stay. Again, she was in the apartment, carrying on with her life as though she had never left. She was there all the time, even when Roomie wasn't there. I get that she is from out of town and wanted to come and visit, but having strangers in my house is incredibly uncomfortable. I gritted my teeth and beared it. They kept wondering about me when I slept too much. They worried when I didn't eat family dinners with them or when I told the mom I had already eaten when she decided to cook a meal and her daughter wasn't even home from clinicals for the day.

Another month later and I was informed again that the mother would be coming for another 2-3 weeks stay. I survived the entire stay with the random people coming through and the mother staying at the apartment and going out as she wished. On the last day, Roomie started setting up for a birthday party at our apartment. I asked who's birthday it was and she said it was her mom's and that they were going to have a party for her and they invited a few of her friends and family members to come over and celebrate. Imagine my surprise that I had not been warned about this, but it was occurring at my house! So I asked nicely, if she wouldn't mind telling me in the future when people were planning on coming over. That way, I wouldn't feel like I needed to be locked in my room because I hadn't gotten a shower that day when there are a billion and five complete strangers and Roomie's mom in the apartment at every moment of the day. She agreed and apologized that it must have been strange to come home from school and have an audience when I thought I was going to have the apartment to myself for a short time.

Life went on and it seemed to get better.

The next month was winter break or something, so Roomie went to Hot State and I got some time off from being with people. Towards the end of the break, she had planned to have her boyfriend come in from Cajun Country to visit her. So, I decided that would be a nice time to go visit my family and give Roomie and her boyfriend some quality time together.

Break ended and two weeks into school. She told me her mother and sister were coming to Home State to come and visit their friends and the sister wanted to see her boyfriend. The rule about warning me before random people came over lasted for a solid two days. Pretty soon they were at the apartment all the time and I spent a lot of time sleeping. Honestly, I had just broken up with exfiance, I was depressed, I was tired from school, I was struggling, and I didn't want to deal with more people that I don't know and I'm not comfortable with! During this stay, the mother mentioned to Roomie that she thought I didn't like her. Naturally, this leads Roomie to feel the need to confront me about the situation because heaven forbid that somebody is simply going through a rough patch in life and cannot pretend to be happy to please somebody's family 24/7. I told her that I was just tired and having a hard time. She let it go, for the time, and I started forcing myself to stay awake, even when I was exhausted, simply because they were over and they wanted everyone to smile and say "hi!" every time they came in the door. I can't remember what I told Roomie, but her mother didn't stay at our apartment as much during that stay, until closer to the end of the stay.

I got another month break and here they come again to Home State. This time, I was assured that the mother would stay with her friend the entire time and would only come over to take the dog on walks. Fine. This, again, was a lie. The mom was over all the time. She would come over, watch t.v., use Roomie's car, take naps in the apartment when Roomie wasn't there but I was, and carry on with her baths. This time, I was over it. I was working on school and overwhelmed, so I kept my door shut so I wouldn't have to make small-talk with this strange woman in my apartment before I even got a chance to shower because she would shower and then turn on every hot water appliance in the house and I would have no hot water. I don't like to see people before I get a shower. Also keep in mind, I was dealing with insomnia, severe PTSD, flashbacks, depression, school, and a whole host of other life problems that do not need some overly cheery lady to be the cherry on top.

I get it, having people who are always happy are a joy in life. However, it is also unsustainable and fake to be always happy. One thing that I've learned is that some people who are always "happy", and there are not many in the world, have no ability to handle real-life events. They ignore the bad and put on a false front so that their appearance looks good to the public. In fact, they cause more problems for themselves because they don't allow anything to be anything more than superficial. What kind of life is that?

So, it's great that she is happy. Awesome for her. For me, I was going through a legit life crisis and I was barely surviving each day without 1) cutting or 2) taking my own life. I'm dead serious about that. In fact, there were some days with Roomie's family being here all the time, that I had to cut because there was no other escape. I would then pop about 8-10 benadryl, 2-3 tylenol, and 4 ibuprofen at noon or whenever I got done with class, and I would sleep the whole rest of the day. That was my escape because I had no time alone and no time to just rest without some stranger, either the mom or her sister or her, in my face and trying to continue on with small talk for hours on end. I don't know about you, but small-talk is a huge waste of my time. I have real thoughts and deep seated opinions. I am a girl who does not talk much because most of the talk seems like fluff. But, if I have something to say you better believe I will try to at least say a little bit, but I won't fight to be heard.

Roomie confronted me after her mom left from that visit and told me, again, that her mom had mentioned that she felt like I didn't like her. Oh my gosh lady, it's okay if not everyone likes you. Also, just because someone can't be around you all the time doesn't mean I don't like you, it just means your a little too much to take in for someone who needs a lot of down time. Seriously, grow up. I didn't say that, I just told her that it's not that I don't like her, I was just going through a lot.

I had another month of peace,  then her boyfriend came. The boyfriends spring break was the week before ours so she was in class and clinical all week while I was at home (because I didn't have clinical at that time) with him... alone... after severe trauma from two guys. I let it slide, saying that he really had no place to go. I spent a lot of time shopping and dragging out time I had to go to class. I also went and stayed at my parent's house the weekend he originally got there and the weekend at the end of his stay here to give them time. I didn't think it was fair that I was left with him while she went about her life. Why did she not just schedule for him to visit her a different time? Why didn't she just move her schedule around to be with him more? Why is it okay to just let random strangers that I had legitimately never met before stay at my apartment with me? She didn't even introduce him, she let me introduce myself the next day after she picked him up from the airport because she was gone at class. That was ridiculously uncomfortable. The whole week sucked. I can't take a shower, I can't go to the bathroom, I can't cook, I can't do anything without answering to this guy because he's the guest and I feel like I'm supposed to play hostess to him since she's not ever there. Is that fair or am I just being a bitch?

Fast track maybe two weeks, her mom is back. I did my best to stay busy with clinicals, leaving early and staying late to avoid being home when they were awake. Roomie warned me maybe the first two days about random times when her mom would drop by, but mostly it was a one warning system made it acceptable for the mom to stop by whenever she damn well felt like it for the rest of her fucking trip. I survived it, said hi maybe once but I wasn't being overly nice and I didn't come out of my room, but I left the door open to make sure her mom didn't have hurt feelings because apparently I'm just a heartless meanie pants who doesn't care about other people's feelings. That is my own wording, but it was mentioned that they didn't feel comfortable at the apartment because I was not very inviting and welcoming.

That leads us to today. The mother and one of the sisters flew in on Sunday night. This weekend, I came down with a really bad cold or flu or something. I lost my voice (legit) because I cough so much, but the fever only lasted a couple days. Sunday, I was recovering and I slept all day. Roomie came into my room around noon, upset that I wasn't out in the living room talking to her. I told her that I had been sleeping all day because I was sick and I had told her the day before that I was sick. She went out of my room in a bit of a huff and kept to texting me the rest of the day to "warn" me about her mom and sister's plans for their vacation here. I was told, not asked, that they would be spending Sunday night at our place. A couple minutes later that was retracted and I was told they were just going to come over for a few minutes to visit when their flight got in. Great, do what you want.

The next day I was again told, not asked, that her sister would be spending the night, while her sister was here at the apartment. It's not like I could say no, even if it was a bad time for me, because the sister was there. So I told her okay. Roomie told me that they would stay in her room as to "not bother me". Her exact words. I never told her that I was bothered by them. They can keep the door open and do as they wish, I don't care, just give me a heads up if I need to go find another place to live because you're moving your whole family back into our two bedroom apartment. The night came and passed. Next morning I got a text saying that her mom would be "stopping in to take the dog for a walk with the sister, then they would drop the dog off and go about their day." To me, this sounds like the dog will be here when I get home, but no strangers. Right? Next day, I went to counseling, then I walked around 2 different stores for the next three hours to make sure that enough time was given that I would not be impeding on their plans or their "short" visits that ended up lasting a whole fucking 6 hours, consistently. 

By the time I got home, there was loud music playing from Roomie's room, and I kept hearing someone. I texted her and asked if she was home. She said "no." I said "okay, I just keep hearing someone in there and I was wondering if it was you." She said "no, it's my sister and I (Roomie) mentioned she was spending the night last night." 

By this time, it was about 4 in the afternoon and the earlier text about her mom taking the dog for a walk sounded like her sister and mom would not be here. When Roomie finally got home, she went into her room and closed her door. I heard her and her sister talking in quiet voices, but they sounded angry. Her sister left, then she came into my room and confronted me about it. I didn't yell, but it was hard to keep my voice level between her beginning to get rialed up and me having a hoarse voice right now. She told me it wasn't fair for me to ask her not to see her family. I told her I am glad that she gets to visit with her family and that they are in town, but I didn't feel like it was fair that the family stays at the apartment without Roomie being there and without even a text to tell me she'll be here when I get home. What if I had been so freaked out that I grabbed my gun? Honestly, I had no way of knowing that there would have been someone that is supposed to be there. I told Roomie that too, that my understanding of the texts was this. She said, "well, I told you she was spending the night!" I responded with, "yes, but I didn't know that means she was going to stay the whole next day." She kept saying something like, "do you expect me to just not see my family? Am I not supposed to have them over and I just have to go out and meet them somewhere because you don't want them over?" I told her "no, I just needed a text to know that someone was going to be home. We agreed on this several months ago and I think it was just a miscommunication, but I had no idea she was going to be here."

That sent her into a bit of a rage. She told me I'm hard to live with and that she feels like she has to walk on eggshells around me because I don't ever want anyone over. She told me that it's not fair that I go into my room when her family comes over because they think I hate them and it's so terrible that I didn't even go out and say hi to them when they got there. I reminded her that I try to at least say hi and be cordial when they come, but that I've been sick the past two times they've been here and I have stuff going on too and I am overwhelmed by them. Blah, blah, blah, she made the swirly motion with her finger while telling me I was making something up. I finally had the mental ability to tell her that that was not a fair thing to tell me because her family was making up the idea that I hate them. She got mad at me trying to keep the "discussion" fair and she told me her family was going to come over because she wants to spend time with them. I told her I didn't think it was fair that her plans kept changing and that left me with no place to live. I was originally supposed to be able to stay here the night after graduation, because I need to be down here the next day for things that are happening. Then she moved the day to me only being able to stay Thursday night, then she said I couldn't even stay there Thursday night because her family was going to pack up the u-haul and there would be no furniture and her family wanted to all (all other 3 siblings, both of her parents, her boyfriend, and herself) stay there Thursday and Friday nights and she suggested I go stay at Brother's apartment or find another place to stay. She got mad at that too.

The "conversation" ended with me telling her I would have my stuff out by Monday. She said that works since I'll be staying with my mom over the weekend to "help" her. That opened up me confessing that I was only going to Denver so that she could spend time with her family without me making them feel uncomfortable. She didn't talk much after that...

She walked away, and went to her room. A few minutes later, as I went back to packing, she went into the kitchen and started slamming doors, banging dishes, shutting cabinets with such force I'm  surprised they didn't fall off the hinges. I continued to pack calmly, waiting for the time that I was finally scheduled to leave to go out with my clinical group for dinner and drinks.

The time came and I had a blast. Mid-way through dinner, Roomie sent me a really long text telling me that she thinks it's a good idea for me to move out early and that she will reimburse me for part of the rent I'll be missing because I'm leaving early. She told me that she is going to focus on enjoying her family and that "she is sorry it ended like this." She also reiterated that I'm difficult to live with and that she has given up a lot to make me more "comfortable" and feels that I am basically being unreasonable in requesting her family to not spend so much time there because they technically do not live here anymore and it's my living place too.



Long story short, I'm moving out tomorrow and not even waiting until Monday. I will be making the hour-long commute for the next couple of weeks for the several days that I have class or other obligations. And, I lost another friend. Someone who I thought was close with me, but dropped me when I was unwilling to give in to her other demands. Normally, I and everyone else give into what she wants because she comes to us crying and I know that I, personally, have not been able to avoid my people-pleasing tendencies... until now. I talked with Counselor about boundaries a couple hours before this whole thing went down and I'm not even really upset. I'm stressed, but it's not as bad as it could be. I talked to Best Friend about it and he told me I'm being reasonable in asking to not have her family practically living here every other month. Honestly, in no roommate situation I've ever been in or seen, has it been okay to have your family come and stay and run the household for weeks at a time while their host is not even there most of the time! This was her first experience with a roommate, but I don't think there are realistic expectations for what a roommate situation will actually look like for her. She is moving in with her boyfriend and his best buddy and that guy's girlfriend... She's not only getting 3 new roommates, but she's moving into a house and will have two couples under one roof. I honestly do not see this ending well, but hey, not my life. She asked my opinion, I told her it sounded like a really bad idea and she told me that she was going to go ahead and do it anyway because she thinks the girl is nice. Well, okay, I hope it works out well for you bud, I truly do.

Dear Roomie,

     First of all, know that I have no anger, resentment, or malice in my heart towards you. I also know I have a lot to learn about life still, but I've been on my own for 4 years now. You learn a lot when you finally live with people who are not your family, and in a place where your family is not living and at your beck and call. I've learned a lot and I started off really independent before I moved away from my parents. 

     In your one year with me, actually like 8 months, you've learned some. Just know that though I may be hard to live with because of my depression/PTSD/trauma/bipolar, but there are worse roommates out there, and they are abundant. Not everyone is going to react as well to your many confrontations as I did. Not everyone will shut down when you yell at them and then give in to you because they have little to no mental functioning due to their traumatic pasts. Not everyone will leave you with a hug, when you ask unreasonable things and then kick them out. Not many people will deal with the amount of your family interaction and time of them hanging out in the house without you being there, as I have. I can promise you that. 

     I'm hard to deal with because of mental illness and a hermit tendency, but I try my best to listen and to try to understand your frustration and the point of why you're upset, friends don't even always do that! I hope you have nothing but good experiences, but from my short time on earth and the statistics classes I had to take in school, I know that that is not even really probable. I pray that some day, you look back and realize that what I was asking was not crazy, nor was it strange. I want you to understand that even though I'm hard to live with, I was actually a decent roommate who tried with my whole heart to make you happy while staying true to myself. I want you to know that you helped me, but that you also could have asked me to stop talking about things. Granted, you did ask me to stop talking about ex-fiance when I didn't break up with him as you requested. I bent over backwards for you and I hope that someday, you'll see that I really did try and that I really wasn't a bad roommate. 

Sincerely,
     Your Former Roommate
          BedpanAlley

Overwhelmed, but Not Stressed

This weekend was an odd one. It's the one actual weekend where I can point to on a calendar and show people that my family fell apart. I went back home to help my parents move, this last weekend. They've been talking about separating for years, but they never actually go through with it because they somehow find a need for each other, usually financially.

Well, this time, it actually happened. Mom bought an RV a couple months back and Dad told her he refused to live in it. Long story short, the landlord for their house decided she wanted to now sell the house instead of renting it out anymore, so she gave them 30 days notice. Dad found an apartment and Mom found a place to park her RV.

At first, when I was told about 6 months ago that they were talking about splitting up, I was relieved. I know that this relationship has been hard on both of them, and they only really stayed together for us kids (my brother and I) but that's not fair. As the date approached, I started getting more stressed. Then the anticipation led to fear and all of a sudden I felt like my whole family was going every-which-way and that I would be all alone, in a big ol' world, to fend for myself. *Flip BedpanAlley's panic attack switch...*

It was rough going for me for awhile. After talking with Counselor about it, I ended up realizing that my parent's relationship wasn't the only thing that I was losing. I felt I was losing touch with family, I was losing my home, I am coming to the end of school, I'm losing "friends", I'm moving to another state in a month or two, I'm having to start a new job, and I am on the brink of a complete life turnover. That's intense. I don't know if you've gone through things like this, but man alive is it hard. Plus, I'm "graduating" from counseling, which has been one of only a couple steady relationships that I've ever had in my life. So, lots of bitter-sweet things happening.

Well, since my parents have been living apart for the past 2-3 days, they both call me almost every day to check on me. Granted, that's because I'm sick. However, they both sound happier and lighter. Sure, I'm certain they might be sad, but I think they figured out their feelings awhile ago and dealt with those while still living with each other. Granted, they are only living separately. My Dad went over and helped my Mom hook up her RV at the little park place. Dad is still going to go back to help finish setting her up. Mom is still going to be nice to Dad and probably continue to give him haircuts. The only thing that is different is that they don't live under the same roof or pay bills together anymore. It's super weird, but hey, if it works for them it works for me. They are talking nicer to and about each other and they're keeping nice because they like each other as friends, but can't handle staying together all the time without kid buffers. That's a normal developmental stage, according to some psychologist that I was supposed to learn about in my Pediatric Nursing Class... that I don't pay attention to... because I'm coloring in the back...

So, whatever. It only made me cry a couple times when thinking about it. However, once I think about it even more and look at the good in the situation, it's much easier to see that this is just something that needed to happen and that it was actually a good thing.



People keep snapping at me. Maybe I'm just that irritating or maybe everyone's just stressed. It could be a combination. Honestly, everyone can be irritating if someone is already stressed. The thing about snapping at me is that you can't simply slap a "sorry" on it and make the whole thing better. I shut down when someone yells at me, in any capacity. It's something I've always done and I am working my hardest to get past it, but it may be one of those roadblocks that I never fully get over.

For those of you who love someone or know someone who has been a victim of sexual assault, an abusive (in any sense of the term) relationship, or comes from a tough childhood background, please be extra cognizant of how you treat them. Some of us in this world have been given a lot of people who push us into the ground. In order to survive, our fight or flight has been molded into more of a shelter in place and become as small as possible. Don't mistake this as weakness, understand that this was our survival tool that kept us from more trouble than we had already experienced. We can still take "criticism" and you can still fully express yourself to us, but be gentle. Remember to think about what you actually need to and intend to say, and say it calmly. Make sure not to make personal attacks, but communicate clearly and logically. We need time to process, in many cases, before we can be able to respond. Do not demand an answer right away, because we may not have one for you yet. If you open up the talk as more of a conversation where we can be heard too, things will go smoother. Then, just know that we may be more reserved and quiet for a few days or a few weeks. Be patient with us. Many of us have learned that trying to have our voice heard about issues only causes more problems for us so we have a tendency to avoid conflict and be slow to warm up. Pick your battles. If it is something that is not a huge deal and you can handle it for awhile longer, please do so. Even better, learn to drop it. If it is something that needs to be addressed, address one or two things at a time and don't bombard us with a huge list of things that we do wrong. We'll see that as us being a failure and that you don't like/love us anymore. Trust me, we know what pisses everyone off about us and we do our best to not do those things. Some things are unavoidable and we are flight risks. It doesn't take much to set me off and shut me down for weeks. Something as little as a 3 second snap at me can cause huge problems for weeks that I have to work through.

So please, just be cognizant that some of us have a hard time with communication and with our thinking process. It's not that we're dumb or incapable of discussing things with you, sometimes we just need more time than people who have learned how to be able to discuss or fight for themselves. We haven't necessarily gotten the opportunities to learn how to do that.

Another Up

I had the best day in I don't know how long today.

I got a gift card to Chick-fil-a, my favorite eating establishment, as of right now.

Took a test in peds, and I think it went well. They're all group tests because the professor was failing to many students. I got with two really smart friends and they agreed to be my buddies for our final as well!

I got out of class several hours early, so Roomie and I (we carpool) went to Chick-fil-a for lunch.

As we were waiting in line there, I got a call from an unknown number. It was my Great Aunt offering me a NICU job at her hospital!!! So, I'm moving in a couple months, once we figure out what day I start. Guys, G-d gave me a job!!! Plus, I get to move.

In my religions class on Monday afternoons, we had a Jewish rabbi from one of the loval military bases come and talk to us. He just happens to know my mom and my Rabbi so I was already excited. He was such an amazing speaker and I feel like he was the mouthpiece to G-d giving me grace and contentment with myself. For so long I've dealt with guilt around what has happened to me and I feel terrible for not loving the guys that hurt me the way I've been taught to "love everyone". He explained the Jewish perspective that you don't have to love each individual. You treat them with respect and don't intentionally harm them for no reason, but G-d is a Just G-d and He wants fairness as a baseline for life. It does not make me mean, or resentful, or someone who is trying to pay them back by reporting them. It is okay to report them. Then to forgive them for my own sake, not for theirs.

After being stoked about all of that, I went grocery shopping and there were a few cute guys there :) I'm not going for anything, but I had a little make-up on today and I feel like I was more confident than I've been in the past.

I made dinner for Roomie and I tonight and I made my first lasagna (first by myself, without my mom) tonight so we'll have dinner ready to go for tomorrow!!!

Yeah, I'm winning at adulting today.

Jersey did text me and invited me to go out with her and a couple of her friends. She wants to meet with me to "patch things up" because we were "close friends". I might be crazy, but we weren't close. She didn't share her life with me, she just wanted to ask for all of the juicy details of my life. I told her we could talk and kept my replies short. She asked if it was okay that we fix things so that we can have a great rest of our senior year. I told her we could talk, but I have no plans on patching it up. My life has been so much more drama-free without having to worry about her. I go talk to Counselor tomorrow and I think I'm going to ask to role-play.




Oh, and about my birthday...

It went really well. Poor Roomie walked into my room the night before my birthday and I was crying. She started freaking out. The next morning, I was up at 0800 with her! I was shocked myself, but she made the day great. We went shopping (caught a lot of really good sales), saw puppies, had lunch, went for a hike with her dog, then we went out dancing with just a couple of my closer friends. Amazing day! Low-key, not many people knew it was my birthday. Some of the friends I have been close with all three years didn't come, but I didn't even care because I had a select few that were able to come out and have a good time with me.

My brother's roommate called me, because they were hanging out at Brother's apartment, and I asked them to do a shot for Country Boy. To my surprise, Brother got all 5 guys to do a shot! No, probably not the best to be condoning alcohol, but it meant a lot to me that Brother is being so sweet and supportive about something he doesn't understand. However, he's sat with me as I cried at the grave, I think he's starting to see the pain I've hidden from him for so long. He knew what had happened, but I try to not harp on it too much because he didn't used to be so receptive. I think he's starting to put together the pieces and he's getting much better at supporting me. I'm also getting better at being better to him and more of what he needs from a sister.

When we finally got home, the dog had to pee. I offered to take her out since Roomie had been my DD and it was about 0200. I finished the little loop and there were a couple guys my age headed up the stairs to their apartment. One asked to pet the dog and asked what breed. I shrugged, because I couldn't place the name of the breed with my brain a little slower than normal... He laughed and we got to talking for a couple minutes. Roomie came out to check on me and it turns out they had been at the same little karaoke place we had been at! They shook our hands and introduced themselves and invited us out sometime! Now, we all know that'll probably not happen. However, it's nice to feel noticed and to feel like guys think I'm cute.


I'm trying to stay positive in this post, because I really want to highlight the joys that come in life, even if few and far-between. The reason it is so shocking to me to feel cute and confident, is because I did not ever have that to begin with. Then, when I started dating exboyfriend, it didn't take much for him to make me feel better than I ever had, so I stayed with him even after I wanted to leave because I didn't think anyone else would notice me. With exfiance, he started with flattery and tried to make me feel good at first, then as time went on he started implanting that I was not pretty, not smart, nothing that would be desired by anyone but him. With that negative message from someone I thought I loved, how is it possible to not end up believing you're worthless and undesirable?

My confidence is slowly building. I am strong, I am caring, I am worth loving. I will be a nurse someday, who will extend the love and compassion others need because I know what it is to need extreme amounts of both. I am growing, developing, moving on, and I will continue to be a soft heart in this hell of a life because others do not deserve the terrible things that have happened to me. I am beautiful, smart, funny, sweet, caring, loyal, and deserving of a life in which happiness and joy are experienced. I am worthy regardless of what has been done to me and what I have survived. I have a story that is worthy of being told and I do not have to be a doormat any longer.

This is one of my stronger days and self-affirmations begin now.

I am worthy. I am strong. I have survived and I am on my way to thriving.

2 Year Anniversary

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of Country Boy dying. Unfortunately, with him, I get a solid three days each year that I lose my sh!t because all three are anniversaries.

#1 - the last Sunday of Spring Break (that's when he died)

#2 - March 30 (that is the actual date that was the last Sunday of Spring Break)

#3 - April 11 (his birthday, just a week and some after my birthday)

He wasn't even 19. He just needed to find enough reason to live another two weeks and he couldn't find it.

I haven't been sleeping well this last week. Last night, I fell asleep at about 9:30 p.m., woke up every couple of hours, then woke up and couldn't fall back asleep at about 3 a.m. It's now 5:45 a.m. and I still shouldn't be getting woken up by my alarm clock until about 6:30...

Yesterday afternoon (March 29), Brother took me to the cemetery. I bought a small bottle of whiskey and shared it with Country Boy. His alcohol tolerance is much better than mine, which is good because I couldn't only handle about half of the tiny bottle and he got every other swig. We went yesterday because Brother has to work until late tonight and the cemetery is creepy at night and also in a sketchy part of town. I might go back and sit with him today, but it depends on how much energy I have after a full day of sim lab for peds.

Counselor says I'm doing well. I started making a binder with all of the handouts and exercises Counselor gave me. I'm hoping that when I move, I'll remember my binder on my Bad Days. She is probably one of the strongest, most bad ass women I think I've ever met. Yet, she still told me that she couldn't imagine how hard it must be to live knowing that my attackers are on the loose. It sucks, but I'm here and kicking. I'm barely going, but I'm not doing what Country Boy did to my family and friends. As much as I would love to no longer be here, I'm not going to be a trauma to those I love or even just know.

She made me feel strong. By Counselor telling me she couldn't imagine living in my shoes, after I've heard how strong she is, it made me feel like maybe I'm dong okay. People tell me I'm strong, but it just makes me feel weak when they say that. There are the pity eyes and that tone they say it with that break me down, especially on my weak days because those are days I can hardly breathe. So, when I feel weak, and people flat out say I'm strong, I don't believe them and I assume they're lying. For some reason, having her tell me I'm handling this sh!tty life, by myself (and G-d), and I'm still finishing school and plugging along, it was a boost. (*I apologize for the structure of that last sentence, I'm typing through tears, sleep deprived, mourning again, and otherwise struggling*)

I had an interview yesterday. They said it went really well but that I have to wait for the hiring manager's boss to get back to her to make sure I can be hired. I pray the L-rd lets me know what needs to happen. It would be nice to be able to start house shopping and planning for my post-graduation future, but the move to this particular location holds a few complications... I'll keep y'all posted though!

Well, I suppose I better go get ready for sim lab. I get out late this afternoon and then I'm headed to the bar with a couple friends. I don't know how today will go. The past week has been hell, but not as bad as last year. Last year, I survived the day. This year, it is uncertain but I will survive to the best of my ability. I look like sh!t though.

School Tomorrow

Hey y'all, I'm having o go back to school tomorrow. Goodness, I had so many plans for my very last Spring Break, but none of those occurred.

Why? You may ask... We've had 3, count them one, two, THREE snowstorms! What is that?!? It's Spring frickin' Break!!!

Good grief! I was supposed to have a massage with my mom Wednesday but we got a couple feet of snow... I wanted to go out Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights (moving the night as the snow ruined each night) and I ended up cancelling all of them because of the weather and ice.

Most of the snow is gone now because it's spring. Oy vey! Spring snow storms are rough because the snow is really wet and heavy, but there is a lot of it. Then, it's all gone by that evening or the following day. I don't understand. Oh well.

So, school starts back tomorrow. I get no break all day because I have skills lab in the hour break that I normally get between my morning nursing class and my afternoon main campus class. Getting the professor to help me by doing the skills lab in this time was a huge struggle because she scheduled it for all of the other clinical groups during my afternoon class. She told me I needed to "prioritize" which class I was going to go to, but that her skills lab was mandatory. She gave me a "hint" that I needed to go to her lab because the other class was not what my degree was going to be in... Yes, she actually said that to me!

Tomorrow, along with no break, I get to wear my whites on main campus and I will get to be late to my afternoon class. Great! Thanks nursing school.

The Wishes I'll Never See Fulfilled

There are days that you may wish you could go back and relive. There are times in your life that you wished you could go back and redo. There may be times that you wish you never had to live through.

Well, I wish I could go back 3 years ago and not live these past few years at all.

I know, this is a wish that will forever go unfulfilled. I was also told that this is not productive thought because of it's impossibility. It doesn't change the fact that I keep praying I wake up from my nightmare and take it as a life-lesson through sleep to never repeat it in actual life.

I want to go back to the days of college when I was so full of life, looking forward to the future, and excited at the amount of friends I had and the excitement I had when I was first accepted into the nursing program.

I was pure. I was hopeful. I had a whole world full of possibilities just waiting outside my door.

Today I am damage, beaten, weary, and waiting for the day when the Good L-rd decides to free me from my real-life nightmare.

It's hard today to not fall into my bad habits that have helped me to cope with my struggles thus far. However, I want to be able to wear short sleeves and a bikini when I go on my graduation trip with my family, so my physical coping methods are out of the picture. I probably couldn't drink enough to actually get anywhere in the way of numbing because it just shuts off the smart part of my brain and brings forward all of the terrible things I want a break from. Sleep doesn't help because from the time I lay down, through my sleep, and up until I begin my day, my head is filled with the worst things I couldn't even imagine I would have survived, but I did live through. Painting and coloring only get me so far before memories invade again.

I have no relief.

I could have gone for a walk, but it's dark now and I'm scared exfiance would be waiting outside my apartment.



I've had several friends tell me lately that I didn't seem like I was having a bad day, even though I had told them hours earlier over a text that I was having a really bad day. They tell me that I look fine and seem to be enjoying myself.

Well, I've been lying too long. I've gotten it down to a science and have a tendency to push everything out of my head in order to prevent telling those around me what has happened. I don't want to bring down the fun mood by spilling all of my dirty laundry for those who had no idea of my life's happenings before that point. For some, it is the first time they've ever met me. No need to bring them down with my internal scars.

Just for fun, let's go over my "checkered past," shall we?

I have:

• cut, scratched until I've bled, and other forms of self-harm (8th grade)
• attempted suicide 5 or more times (8th grade)
• avoided eating except for dinner every other few nights for a solid 6 months or so. I lost 25-30 pounds in a month or two (high school)
• lived through a friend's suicide
• been in 2, count them TWO! abusive relationships in the year of 2015 (I'm talking the beginning of January to the very end of December)
• relapsed into self-harm
• dealt with the unmedicated bipolar ramblings of various family members that typically result in me being blamed for their miserable lives, countless times
• gone through 3 different roommate situations that were very unhealthy and ridiculously stressful
• began drinking occasionally to calm my mind and pain temporarily
• been raped so many times I can't count them all
• been drug through the mud*, beaten beyond recognition*, damaged beyond repair*, and been so mentally tortured that I wished my previous suicide attempts could have stuck (*not really physical situation if they have the *, but the pain is similar, just lasts much longer)

Now, looking at that list the way it's written, it doesn't seem so bad. Knowing that I've been battling with myself for over 9-10 years and knowing that many of those difficult things have been occurring over extended periods of time makes it seem like the list does no justice to what has actually happened.

No, I don't feel sorry for myself but I do wish these weren't my burdens to bear. Some are self-inflicted, and those have stopped. Those are also burdens I'm ashamed of, but I know that I caused them to myself so I can't blame anyone for those. However, it is hard most days to not drop back into those habits. Sometimes those bad things I did were the only thing to keep me grounded in the world, if even for a moment.

I know, I know! I'm not supposed to think like this! But some days I can't help it. I mean, c'mon! There has to be a break eventually, right? You would hope...

I don't foresee life getting much better for me. Oh, I pray that it does! But, honestly, sometimes I can be so far in the pit of despair that there is no way to see anything but the darkness overwhelming and engulfing me.

I just want to be put out of my misery. I've got no fight left.

One to Top Off the Day

Y'all remember Jersey from a few weeks ago? She yelled at me after class and over text for hours because she was mad that I didn't invite her to the mall.

Guess what she's doing?

She is talking to my friends and telling them that I am mad at her for no reason. Hahaha!

So, she told me not to tell anyone what she was telling me. Meanwhile, she is telling everyone half truths about me being angry at her for no reason. Unfortunately for her, my friends know that her story doesn't sound like me. Therefore, they came to me and asked what was going on. I told them the full story. That means things I am not proud of saying AND the general basis of what she said and did. All of a sudden my friends are starting to tell me, "wow, that makes so much more sense! Her story sounds nothing like you!"

No shit!

Believe it or not, I don't act as petty as Jersey says I do. I plan out my reactions carefully so that when someone comes back to me, saying someone else told them I did something mean, I can think back and show them proof that I am not as crazy as the person told them I am.

Too bad for Jersey my friends are actual friends and they are over the middle school shit she is trying to pull.



Please, oh L-rd, don't let anything else happen today. I can't handle one more thing happening today. I am so over it!!!

Professor Troubles

At the beginning of this semester of nursing school, we (students) get schedules for each class. When these schedules are given to us, they are then our life. We have no say in when we are able to then make out lives happen because we are expected to move our life around to fit in with the professor's required schedule. This means cancelling certain life events or dropping the class if the life event is not something you can get out of. It means having to miss other classes on campus just because the nursing schedule is supposed to over-ride our life, regardless of what else is happening.

This year, my nursing school schedule is conflicting majorly with a class that I have that is required in order for me to graduate. Normally, this would be no problem. However, this class has mandatory attendance. If you don't go, you miss A LOT of points. Not cool.

My nursing class is scheduled in the morning while the other class is in the afternoon. I scheduled it this way so that there should be no conflicts. We were not warned that the nursing professor expects us to have the afternoons free after her class because she schedules several things those afternoons. Had I known this, I would have chosen a different class. But, it would be too easy for her to let us know in the scheduling period so that we could avoid making work schedules and school schedules the afternoons she plans stuff for us outside of her allotted times.

This nursing professor has so many bad comments about her from last semesters students (I live with one and talk to many of them) as well as last year's students! They went to the Dean of the nursing school and nothing got done. I am so sick of the nursing school being able to do whatever they want and be as terrible as they want, just because they are all nurses and all feel so victimized by us students. We, as students, do not ask for a lot. All we want is fair treatment and for our lives to not be required to revolve around when the nursing professors want us to come in. There are pre-planned, scheduled times that are expected for lecture and clinicals. The same is across the board for all other majors. If something is scheduled outside of those predetermined times, then it is typically done on an extra-credit basis.

Nursing school, however, is quite convinced that the universe revolves around them and they are too good to stick to the normal schedule. So, professors gladly sign US up before talking to US for things that we should not have to be required to do! We were required to go to a babysitting day for our pediatric class. It counted as clinicals, but we were just free labor and we were given the children that were "too difficult" for anyone else to handle. Clinicals are expected to be free labor, in exchange for a learning experience so that we can grow into the role of being a nurse. I get that. If the babysitting thing is thought to be helpful (it absolutely WAS NOT!), then it should be on one of our scheduled clinical days instead of a Friday night or a Saturday during the day. Simple as that.

Test reviews should be done during class time, if they are to be required. If not done during class time, then the students that are unable to go because maybe they have: jobs, or children, or another class, should be able to have a test review emailed to them so as to make it fair for everyone. Instead, I was told I could either go or miss on the information. I got the info from friends who went to the review, but it's unfair that she is giving information to those who can make it, but refuses to help those who are unable to get out of other life requirements. Not only that, she scheduled my clinical group's skills lab during the test review (and during my other class) so I am missing tons of information because she is being unreasonable and requiring attendance during times that are not her allotted times for school.

This professor is known for failing too many students that it is giving her bad marks with the school. An yet, they keep her on staff because of tenure. How did she get tenure? NOBODY KNOWS!!!

Most of our class is on clinical probation because none of us know what we are supposed to be doing because she doesn't tell us anything. Nor does she put it on the calendar so that we would have any kind of an idea that something should be due.

Well, I emailed her a few times about my scheduling problems with her class. She told me it was my responsibility to get it figured out with my other professor. This means, in no clear language, that she refuses to help me out at all. After getting that email, I emailed her supervisor. The supervisor then forwarded my email back to my professor. When she received it, I then got a scathing email from the professor telling me tht it is my responsibility to get it figured out. Okay, I already knew she was going to say that. I emailed her supervisor originally to ask to meet with the supervisor. Unfortunately, the professor and supervisor are friends. This means my life just got a whole lot more complicated.

In addition to all of that bullshit, she also confronted me in front of our entire class about the whole situation. She told me that she refuses to change the skills lab just for one person. I told her I understand that. She got mad at me for not coming in the day she told me "I guess you could come in today, but we already have 6 people in each group and you would have to talk to the instructors". I got that email 30 minutes before she expected me to show up for the impromptu lab. Ya, okay lady. She then proceeded to tell me I needed to prioritize my classes because I am "getting my bachelors in nursing and the other class should not matter."

Ha! Okay lady. I wonder how the Vice Chancellor and Chancellor of the school are going to like that little comment. Remember, I have witnesses that will go to bat for me and add in a whole slew of other fun things you've put us and previous classes through. Do not underestimate me lady. I have been pushed around by far too many people and you just so happen to be the last one to try to push me down. I am not backing down. I may lay dormant for a few months until I get my brochure. Then you better believe that I am unleashing HELL and going to ALL of your bosses with just how unprofessional you and your supervisor are. You are both unreasonable and it makes it so clear as to why we have such a nursing shortage because people refuse to go through learning under instructors like you. There are also so many nurses who refuse to be instructors because we have all had such shitty ones in the past we are scarred from ever going back to school to be able to teach.

So, don't you dare believe for one second that I will back down. You just flipped my bitch switch so get ready for a ride.

The Blows Keep Comin'

It's strange that the course of events that transpire in one day can take someone from feeling like they are finally doing better in their journey of life, and then a few moments later they can go back to feeling so defeated.

That is me today.

I thought, Great! I'm going to start working on getting legal stuff situated to help me out with these assholes who took everything from me. I am starting to believe my brain about what has actually happened and I know that legally I did what I needed to do. I am beginning to have days where I believe that the actions of these fuckers were not my fault and maybe, someday, eventually, I can possibly be okay. 

Yes, I know that "maybe, someday, eventually, and possibly" are all words that sound like I do not believe that I will be okay. That is because "being okay" is something I don't forsee happening. However, I am hopeful that I will eventually work to get a little bit better than I have been in my deepest pits of despair.

Then, I have a day like today. Nothing seems to be going right and it's only 11 in the morning! My professor is being unreasonable and covering her tracks so that her supervisors do not see any problem with her actions. Meanwhile, she takes it out on me and works on publically embarrassing me and any one of my fellow students who tries to make life fair for the rest of us or even future classes.

I still have homework that I need to complete for my next class, a test on Thursday to study for, and a million other things going on in my life.

It's one of those days where it becomes very easy to fall back into bad habits that I thought I was finally starting to grow out of.

It's one of those days that I question why I am here.

It's a day I wish I could live under a rock and not have to worry about the things that plague my life so heavily.



I've said it before, but I'm so very tired.

Being tired is not a physical state of exhaustion where you can go to sleep in hopes that life will be calmer and more clear when you wake up. It's the kind of tired where all I can seem to manage to do is lay in bed and stare at a blank wall. I don't want to deal with "friends," professors, nursing school, the stresses of what to do after graduation, wondering if I will graduate, or even worrying about eating. I find myself going through motions and not actually being present. My body is in the right place that I am supposed to be, but I no longer have a brain, thoughts, or emotions to accompany my body to it's scheduled activities.

I'm tired.

Let's be real for a second...

Something I found horrifying when I started nursing school, was that many nurses end up having substance abuse problems. As a new nursing student they teach you all the harm smoking, drinking, and other drugs can cause to a body. Good heavens, it seems like smoking is a risk factor for damn near every cancer, disease, and ailment known to man. Likewise, alcohol and street drugs (including marijuana, though that is debatably "street" depending on which state you're in...) are also risk factors for so many ailments that the three things cannot even be a test question because the answer would be "all of the above" or you'd have to select all options on a "select all that apply" question.

Learning these, and then hearing that nurses become dependent and/or abuse alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs (street and prescription) was absolutely shaking to my foundation. Keep in mind that I was under the legal drinking age and had not ever been drunk or had a drink for the first year and a half of nursing school and the whole year I spent on prereqs. That's about 2.5 years of college without drinking while those around me drank whether of age or underage.

I was also in a glorious little bubble where the hymns at church speaking of suffering meant that I suffered at the hands of friends ignoring me for a couple of days because they didn't like what I was wearing, or they happened to be PMS-ing that day and had it in them to focus all of their evil menstrual rage in my direction. This happens for males and females alike, don't worry.

As I went through more and more college, and became old enough to be "legal," it became acceptable for me to responsibly consume ethanol (drinking alcohol). You learn pretty quick that it calms down your mind, dancing is more fun (or actually possible with someone as uptight as I am), and life slows down and relaxes for a moment. Is this healthy? I think it is okay in moderation. The danger zone comes into effect when it is your daily routine, you have to drink in order to "wake up" in the morning, or you begin to use alcohol to get through anything you may be going through in life. These are excessive.  Quite frankly, there is a very fine line between okay and absolutely not okay. It is even easier to cross over said line and take it to an unhealthy level.

It is frowned upon for anyone to smoke, let alone doctors/nurses/other healthcare professionals. However, if you talk to those who smoke, nicotine provides and instant period of relaxation. They can be having a mental breakdown or they could have experienced a hugely traumatic event and smoke a cigarette and then they can breathe and calm down for awhile. Do cigarettes have carcinogens, increase you risk of having a stroke, and cause powerful addiction talons to dig themselves into your life and drain the money and life right out of you? Yes, they probably do. However, keep in mind why people begin smoking in the first place. You don't know what life struggles they face and what kind of things have happened in their life collectively to bring them to the place they are now. This is difficult to remember when the 30 year smoker is demanding another nicotine patch after an hour of putting on the first one while they are also asking you (the nurse or health professional) for a cigarette.

Prescription drugs and "street drugs" can be seen similarly. They can provide a high and an escape from reality.

The thing with all of these substances is that they are very dangerous and problematic for those that use the substance. It doesn't matter if it is alcohol, tobacco, prescription drugs, street drugs, or any other type of mind altering substance. These things can be very dangerous and addicting. However, before you judge someone for smoking, drinking, or using, remember you don't know their story.

I have at least a triple threat of alcoholism and substance abuse because: 1) I am the daughter of an alcoholic and have a long, extensive family history of alcoholism, 2) I am going into nursing which is a terribly difficult career and lifestyle choice, and 3) I have been raped, sexually assaulted, and severely abused (mental, physical, sexual, and psychological [pretty much all of them]) for a year with boys and longer with others in my life that I will left unmentioned. I am also the daughter of a smoker with a long, extensive family history of smoking and other substance abuse.

I have the deck stacked against me. My mind never shuts off. Maybe some of you know what this is like, but I pray none of you do know this pain and the daily struggle of fighting through the constant noise in your head to just get out of bed and possibly get food or water each day. Don't even go into needing to be a sister, solid daughter that helps, a student, and the other various roles I've had to fill. I will admit to having the occasional margarita with friends after class, during happy hour. We are stressed, we are looking for opportunities to hang out and decrease some of our tension. This is enough to want to take some time and quiet our brains. Add in anything else (being a parent, having family/friend drama, trauma, abuse, and anything else) and you have exponentially increased the desire to have a drink and calm down.

It can be easy for anyone on this earth to feel stressed enough, at one point or another, to desire a way of release. Each person has a way they find that tension relief. All I ask is that you don't judge when people are under your care that have smoked, have a history of alcohol use, or a problem with using. Yes, these things are self-inflicted and they cause so many of the problems we see in hospitals. It is easy to blame a behavior instead of understanding the reasoning behind a person's behavior. Having been through what I've lived through, I have had my mind opened to being so much more understanding to those who use or have a history of using substances. Hell, some nights, the only thing that will shut my brain up for a solid 5 minutes is having a drink and appetizers with friends that I trust.

Don't get me wrong. I do not condone drinking and driving, smoking, using drugs, or getting prescriptions to fulfill a person's desire for prescription drugs. I am not supporting abusing substances in any way. I'm just saying, you don't know why someone started using. Chances are, they understand how bad their substance is for them, but you don't know what is going on in their life or what is happening in their head. My head is a constant "war zone" of sorts. I can't explain exactly what happens, but I have constant flashbacks of the guys that have hurt me, my friend committing suicide, the voice telling me I am unwanted/unlovable/worthy of death or lifelong solitude, and a myriad of other terrible experiences. In the world, you can use music or physically move to change your surroundings. When the bad things that happened to you are constantly replaying in your mind and dreams, you have no way of controlling the thoughts that bombard you whether you are awake or asleep.

You don't know the abuses, the pain, or the circumstances anyone has had to live you. You don't know. There is no way to actually be able to completely convey what a person has lived through.

My point: Please, just don't judge anyone.

A Little Bit Stronger

This is a song title by Sara Evans about her journey towards getting to the downhill point of a break up. She is finally getting out of bed and getting ready so that she can go get on with her "normal" life. Well, this kind of describes me, but I am getting stronger. Thank you Nurse Dee for pointing it out to me in the comment I got to read today!

So do you guys remember how I had a friend go off on me after class last week in person and over text because I'm a bad friend? Well, she asked me to hang out this weekend. I was giving her short answers because I didn't want to talk, especially not to particular people at that moment. Well, she called me out for being short with her and asked if I was okay and if we were "okay". I think she presently regrets asking that...

I proceeded to ask her if she has gone to Beauty about what I was lectured on because she kept saying she was bothered by Beauty and I. So, why would she not go to Beauty and instead take it out on me? I explained that I understand where she was coming from, but that I felt like I was getting kicked while I was down because I'm going through really personal stuff right now. I told her that I try my best to put aside my own problems to be able to "be there" for friends when they are lonely, hurt, happy, or whatever else may come up, but that I need to focus on me right now. Work is also something that I had to plan in the equation and so even though she makes plans, that doesn't mean I can always shift everything around in order to hang out with people. My side was not heard or solicited and I felt completely attacked when I hadn't been deserving of that because I work really hard to be a good friend but I was getting picked on for missing one or two events she planned.

I got 5 novel length texts in response explaining to me why I was the target of this explosion. There was a "sorry, but..." which means that the apology is not legitimately an apology. She is saying sorry because she thinks that's what I want to hear, but she isn't really sorry for what she did. She's sorry that I called her out on being so rude to someone who is not really surviving right now. She's sorry I'm upset and don't want to hang out with her for awhile or maybe ever. She's sorry that she is stressed now because I'm not going to continue to back down to her the way I have for her and many of my other friends in the past. I'm over it.

I told her I forgive her, but that I need some time because I'm really hurt. I don't say "it's okay" when others apologize because what she did wasn't okay. However, I feel like telling her that I "forgive her but that I'm still hurt and need time for me" shows her that I'm not holding a grudge, what she did wasn't okay, and I now need to heal from the damage she caused.

I explained that Beauty invited me to the mall because she knew I was having a hard day and probably needed to vent and process things out loud with someone while also having a distraction available if need be. I told her I didn't want to talk about my troubles (because she is usually one to try to dig for the scoop) and that she also knows more than most people in my life (by accident... but she doesn't know it was an accident).

She concluded by telling me she doesn't believe I actually forgave her.



Well, okay. I really did forgive her. That's why I'm happier and lighter right now. I'm not stressing because this shit is on her now. I spoke my peace. I let her know she hurt me and that what she did was absolutely not okay, especially to someone in my current shoes, even though she only knows about exboyfriend and has no idea what exfiance did to me. She does know, however, fiance and I broke up. Even if a friend was going through just a simple break up, you give them SPACE!!!

C'MON PEOPLE! This is a common sense thing. Why do people think that common courtesy goes out the window when it comes to ME going through things?

Is it because I don't act all down and depressed when I'm with friends? Am I not being dramatic enough? Do they expect me to talk about everything and tell the whole world the deeply painful and incredibly intimate details of my completely broken life? What the fuck do these people want from me?

I deal with things privately and put on a face, as best I can, when I go out in public. That was how I was raised and it suits me well because I don't like people in my business. My friends may see that I'm slightly less enthusiastic and more reserved, but they don't understand me at all. They don't know that I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and that my focus and counseling homework right now is just to drink water and make sure I eat every day. In fact, they don't know I'm in counseling. Not knowing the details of my life is not their fault, I choose to keep these things to myself. It makes life easier for me, believe it or not.

Regardless, you just don't treat people the way I have been treated, despite whether they are going through anything difficult in life or not. Really, that is the basis of my frustration. Even though this friend doesn't know my full story, she does know that exboyfriend messed me up really bad and she knows he raped me. So, yelling at me for hours and hours is inexcusable. Plus, she told me she went off on me even though she's frustrated with Beauty. Again, NOT MY FUCKING FAULT! Take up your frustrations with her or figure out some other way to deal with your own shit. You don't dump it on your friend who is moments from death at every turn she takes in life.

Yes, I forgave her, but I don't have to keep her close just because I forgave her. Forgiveness sets me free (the person who was hurt) way more than it sets the offender (the friend) free.

I forgave exboyfriend. That doesn't mean you will ever see me hang out with him, but I am free from the burden on holding a grudge against him because I am letting that go so that G-d can deal with him however He sees fit. I forgave exfiance. That doesn't mean I am going to get back together with him. I forgave Country Boy. He's dead so that was also mostly for me. I forgave Roommate from last year from her and her family attacking me. I forgave my freshman year dorm roommates. I forgive lots of people. However, you will not see me with many of these people because they are toxic leeches on the tapestry of my life. Recently, my tapestry seems to be imploding and spontaneously combusting, but you still won't see them coming along in my story any longer.

This friend has met the end of her role in my story. I will still be nice to her, but I'm over bending over backwards to make sure she is happy with her social life when my physical body is riding the line between shutting down and creeping along.

Yet, the end of the story of the aforementioned people brings in a new freshness, excitement, joy, and freedom in my life. I feel like my story is beginning a new chapter. Between "telling" this friend off and telling exfiance to back off and leave me alone for the final time (hopefully) today. I'm all about trying to create boundaries. I've also sternly discussed my struggle with my brother and dad not making me priority in any way in their lives while I'm expected to drop everything for them and also listen to their incredibly long lectures about how I suck. All of these people have something in common: they all dump on me for what they get frustrated with in their relationships with other people in their life. They all take it out on me. Guess what! I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! That, my friends, is glorious. Explaining this to my friend, Dad, Brother, and exfiance is just the first baby step towards better, stronger, actually existing boundaries in my life.

I started reading Boudaries, by the way.

I'm so excited to tell my Counselor on Tuesday about everything that I've been doing this week! My homework was to drink more water, continue to eat, and take it easy because of my lack of sleep. We discussed how frustrated I got when my friend went off on me. I discussed what I had wanted to say and she asked why I didn't tell her those things. Well, it wasn't even my homework but I told her those things!!! It was completely with the help of my new Roomie. She proofread my texts to make sure I was being as objective as possible and also to make sure I was being clear enough and not beating around the bush. Yay New Roomie!

YAY ME!!!!! I have been eating better, drinking way more water, sleeping slightly better... kinda... sometimes... and I told people when they hurt me (which was a bonus).