Giddy Up and GO!

After nearly two months of no wifi at the places I've been staying, I finally got internet in my new house today!!!

My house is coming along, it's just taking forever.

We got in at 2 a.m. Home time and 3 a.m. Small-Town time. Good heavens, that is way too late after I had woken up at 6 a.m. the day we left! That's about 20 hours up and going and an 8 hour trip on the road!

The house G-d gave me is one of the cleanest, best houses we had seen. In fact, it was the cleanest and nicest house we had found. However, in the time between when I first saw the house and I moved in, little cockroaches had come into the house and there were about 8 lying belly up on the floor in various rooms. *shivers*

I had never seen a real-life cockroach before then. Well, now I have! I sprayed most of the house the next day with ant, spider, roach, flea, and tick killer so now my garage looks like a roach battlefield with little dead guys belly up all over the place. Meanwhile, I can't get over that there were roaches in my house. YUCK!!! To combat this, I am disinfecting every shelf, drawer, and counter space. Then, as if that weren't enough, I got some lavender scented moth balls and I'm keeping all food items in plastic tubs and putting linens in tubs too. I just want to keep bugs away from my stuff. Damn bugs, if they pay rent and stay in the shed outback, then okay, I could deal. However, they think they can live rent free in the house and that just plumb isn't going to work.

I'm still waiting to be able to start working. I'm stir crazy waiting to get to working and I really need the money. I think I have enough to tie me over until I can start working in July, but I would really love to start working before I do on vacation in two weeks. Unfortunately, the nursing board government systems take forever because every newly graduated nurse in the country is turning all of their paperwork at the same. damn. time. So frustrating.

So, I get to start writing more and I have internet to keep me busy. It's weird not having homework to procrastinate from. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do anymore... ah well, I'll figure it out. I'm fixin' to go start working anywhere I can get a job just so that some money is coming in and I have something to do.

Moving On

Y'all, I woke up at about 0600 this morning with the thought that I only have 3 days living in Home State before I move...

All of a sudden, I couldn't sleep anymore.

Folks, it is summer and I just graduated from college. I should be sleeping in! Regardless, having blinds in my mom's RV (where I'm presently living with her) that do not keep sun out definitely contribute to the natural decline in melatonin once sunlight begins invading the bedroom. Thanks science! Haha, just kidding.

The past couple of weeks, I've been trying to get my NCLEX testing scheduled down there, got a house, working on getting my paperwork for my new NICU job completed and to who it goes to, and tying up various loose ends.

Well, the government takes awhile after they get the info via snail mail from my school. It doesn't help that I'm going to another state. I'm strapped for cash because I haven't worked since Christmas. I've been ridiculously antsy the past few weeks with nothing scheduled to do. I need to start working!

Oh L-rd, let the paperwork get done way faster than it normally would! Help me to get in and start working so that I can get a paycheck! L-rd, please provide for me so that I can pay m bills and get my responsibilities taken care of!!!

My mom recently reminded me that everything He does or doesn't do is an opportunity to build faith. He gives us desires in our heart, then fulfills them to show us that it was Him working the whole time.

Sometimes, He lets us look at houses for 3 days straight, in order to show us how bad it could be, before He finally provides a wonderful house with an amazing landlord team at the very last minute!

Sometimes, He allows us to be at the end of our funds and the end of our rope to show that He provides everything and that He allowed us to have enough funds to make it to our present situation. Granted, that can sometimes be misconstrued, but G-d gave me enough funds through school to be able to live comfortably and not have to work the final semester while I was going through counseling and getting finished with school! I am so very grateful for that because I don't think I could have finished school while working and dealing with the things counseling brought up.

G-d provided me with the perfect counselor for me, that was great with working with me where I was as I continued to heal. I was blessed with someone who did not make me rehash the same memories over and over, but allowed me to talk about them as I needed, while focusing on coping skills and rational thinking.

I was blessed with friendships that grew and faded over time, as was needed for me at any specific point in time.

The L-rd is orchestrating and leading my life. I get into trouble when I start trying to get Him to go my way, but He hasn't given up on me yet.

So, I move on Friday/Saturday. Dad borrowed a stock trailer and truck from my uncle and he and my mom will help me pack it up, drive there (across 2-3 states), then unload and get settled. Things that used to stress me or that would have stressed me before are no longer a huge deal. I was blessed by many family friends with gifts of $100 each, and one lady prayerfully decided to gift me with $500. When I opened the card and saw the check, I thought it was too much! Looking at my money situation right now... it looks like it is going to be just the right amount. And it left me floored.

If you so feel compelled, pray with me for blessings in my new adventures...

 L-rd, I need protection, favor, speedy government paper processing, and I could really use some funds! Thank you L-rd for your incredible blessings and for allowing me to be able to start seeing the many "little" miracles that show me you are still very real and very present in my life. I am constantly amazed at the ways you work on a daily basis and show me that you are still trying to lead and help me. Baruch HaShem

Thing Are Getting Better!

This last weekend, Mom and I traveled down to Small Town (where I recently got hired) in order to find a house. I was highly encouraged over the past few weeks from looking at Craigslist. On Craigslist, there seemed to be no end to the amount of cute little houses, with backyards, that were available for rent at cheap prices!

I come from a place that has a lot of people migrating here, and house prices are skyrocketing! It's getting so bad that a 1 bedroom apartment needs about 2-10 people living in it, just to make the rent. I'm not even talking about the nice ones! Naturally, this is an exaggeration, but it's also, sadly, not too far from the truth.

So, when online searches produced many, many cute little houses for my dog and I, I was stoked! Pictures were beautiful, they are close to the hospital, and my heart was soaring at the thought of being able to start my life out with a house.

As it turns out, those houses were crap. I don't know when the pictures were taken, but I'd imagine they were taken about 15 years ago when the house used to be in decent condition. By the time I got there, windows were broken, the house smelled like a racoon up and died in the living room, and I was warned several times about mice making their home in my home...

I don't know about you, but these are kind of deal breakers.

So, after 3 days of literally driving up and down every single street... I was about to give up. I tried to stay cheery so that my Mema (who was helping us navigate the town) and my Mom would not know that I was getting irritated and I was passed my wit's end. Mema told me she thought I was taking the news rather well, and that I always seemed to look at the bright side of this situation. Little did she know, I was fixin' to pull out my hair because it was so frustrating!

Regardless, my mom and I decided it would be okay to stay one extra day to keep looking, just in case. At about 6 at night, we ran across this cute little house. It was rough looking on the outside and there was no "for rent" sign out front, just a small add in the local paper. We called the number and asked if he would be willing to meet with us. He told us it would be 30 minutes. Well, we were already about an hour and a half from the time Mema had supper ready, but we had called her earlier to tell her to not wait to eat with us and to warn her we would probably be late. She told us to do what we needed to do and that supper would be there for us when we were ready.

I looked to Mom and told her it would be a half hour as I silently shook my head to see what she wanted to do. She was enthusiastically saying that we needed to at least see the inside of the house, just to be absolutely sure that I didn't want to live there.

We waited the 30 minutes and a gentleman pulled up in a nice SUV with a woman in the passenger seat. He greeted us and opened the door...

Y'all, that house was beautiful! Wood floors, 2 bed/2 bath/2 car garage, BIG backyard (for the dog), a storage shed out back, a family room, a living room, massive closets, and... wait for it... a massive southern country kitchen!!!!! There is a little laundry room, central heat/air (big deal for where I'm headed because it gets hella hot mighty early), and it's in excellent shape. I even have rose bushes out front! This was a silent desire I had, because I love fresh flowers in the house and I want to get into gardening because I keep "craving" to do something with my hands on my "bad" days. Plus, there is a Chick-fil-a that I can see from my backyard!!! All I have to do is open the back door, go through my back gate in my fence that leads to a little alley, and I'm right in the Chick-fil-a parking lot! The fence is an extra high privacy fence so make sure I don't have problems with people peeking in, and the house is in a super quiet, super safe neighborhood close to many of the stores and shops I need. It's also only about 10 minutes from the hospital I'll be working at.

So, we let the guy know that we really liked the house. He gave me an application and told me he would call early the next morning. My mom asked for a $100 rent discount, seeing as this rent is about $200 above what I had originally hoped to spend each month. I told him that I could even sign a 2-year lease agreement if that helped, since I would be signing a 2-year employment agreement with the hospital. *I was offered a 1 or 2 year contract, with differing bonuses. My personally requested sign was that the L-rd would allow me to get a rent discount if I were to sign a 2 year lease.*

He called back next day, just as I was about to call him to let him know my mom and I needed to hit the road so that we could make it back home before my mom's clients came in. He said he would meet us at the house to get the deposit and so we hugged Mema, told her bye, then headed over. While signing, I learned that his business partner used to be a pastor and I believe they both go to church together... So I'm hoping this is a good sign that they'll be good landlords! Please L-rd, let them be good landlords!!!

Anyway, I signed the lease and he gave me the keys!

Y'all, I am so beyond stoked. I will have to work extra days in order to ensure that I can save on top of paying my bills and rent, but I think it will be do-able. I'll just work some extra holidays and make sure to sign up for holidays. The NICU down here has no problem giving over time, because they usually have lots of babies, and then seasons of very few babies. However, being a full-timer, I will have priority in making sure I get my hours in when I am scheduled.

It's one of those times in life where I am overwhelmed with the amount of blessings the L-rd has bestowed upon me in such a short amount of time. I knew He was probably going to wait until the last minute to give me a place that my heart was desiring. He tends to wait until the absolute last minute, while letting me go and see what could be, so that I understand how big of a blessing He is actually giving me. Let me tell you, the stress and frustration was so worth it because He worked it all out absolutely perfectly.

I am blessed. I am humbled. I am completely overwhelmed and shocked at the magnificent gloriousness that G-d works in my life every single day.

I'll keep y'all updated.

Another Up

I had the best day in I don't know how long today.

I got a gift card to Chick-fil-a, my favorite eating establishment, as of right now.

Took a test in peds, and I think it went well. They're all group tests because the professor was failing to many students. I got with two really smart friends and they agreed to be my buddies for our final as well!

I got out of class several hours early, so Roomie and I (we carpool) went to Chick-fil-a for lunch.

As we were waiting in line there, I got a call from an unknown number. It was my Great Aunt offering me a NICU job at her hospital!!! So, I'm moving in a couple months, once we figure out what day I start. Guys, G-d gave me a job!!! Plus, I get to move.

In my religions class on Monday afternoons, we had a Jewish rabbi from one of the loval military bases come and talk to us. He just happens to know my mom and my Rabbi so I was already excited. He was such an amazing speaker and I feel like he was the mouthpiece to G-d giving me grace and contentment with myself. For so long I've dealt with guilt around what has happened to me and I feel terrible for not loving the guys that hurt me the way I've been taught to "love everyone". He explained the Jewish perspective that you don't have to love each individual. You treat them with respect and don't intentionally harm them for no reason, but G-d is a Just G-d and He wants fairness as a baseline for life. It does not make me mean, or resentful, or someone who is trying to pay them back by reporting them. It is okay to report them. Then to forgive them for my own sake, not for theirs.

After being stoked about all of that, I went grocery shopping and there were a few cute guys there :) I'm not going for anything, but I had a little make-up on today and I feel like I was more confident than I've been in the past.

I made dinner for Roomie and I tonight and I made my first lasagna (first by myself, without my mom) tonight so we'll have dinner ready to go for tomorrow!!!

Yeah, I'm winning at adulting today.

Jersey did text me and invited me to go out with her and a couple of her friends. She wants to meet with me to "patch things up" because we were "close friends". I might be crazy, but we weren't close. She didn't share her life with me, she just wanted to ask for all of the juicy details of my life. I told her we could talk and kept my replies short. She asked if it was okay that we fix things so that we can have a great rest of our senior year. I told her we could talk, but I have no plans on patching it up. My life has been so much more drama-free without having to worry about her. I go talk to Counselor tomorrow and I think I'm going to ask to role-play.




Oh, and about my birthday...

It went really well. Poor Roomie walked into my room the night before my birthday and I was crying. She started freaking out. The next morning, I was up at 0800 with her! I was shocked myself, but she made the day great. We went shopping (caught a lot of really good sales), saw puppies, had lunch, went for a hike with her dog, then we went out dancing with just a couple of my closer friends. Amazing day! Low-key, not many people knew it was my birthday. Some of the friends I have been close with all three years didn't come, but I didn't even care because I had a select few that were able to come out and have a good time with me.

My brother's roommate called me, because they were hanging out at Brother's apartment, and I asked them to do a shot for Country Boy. To my surprise, Brother got all 5 guys to do a shot! No, probably not the best to be condoning alcohol, but it meant a lot to me that Brother is being so sweet and supportive about something he doesn't understand. However, he's sat with me as I cried at the grave, I think he's starting to see the pain I've hidden from him for so long. He knew what had happened, but I try to not harp on it too much because he didn't used to be so receptive. I think he's starting to put together the pieces and he's getting much better at supporting me. I'm also getting better at being better to him and more of what he needs from a sister.

When we finally got home, the dog had to pee. I offered to take her out since Roomie had been my DD and it was about 0200. I finished the little loop and there were a couple guys my age headed up the stairs to their apartment. One asked to pet the dog and asked what breed. I shrugged, because I couldn't place the name of the breed with my brain a little slower than normal... He laughed and we got to talking for a couple minutes. Roomie came out to check on me and it turns out they had been at the same little karaoke place we had been at! They shook our hands and introduced themselves and invited us out sometime! Now, we all know that'll probably not happen. However, it's nice to feel noticed and to feel like guys think I'm cute.


I'm trying to stay positive in this post, because I really want to highlight the joys that come in life, even if few and far-between. The reason it is so shocking to me to feel cute and confident, is because I did not ever have that to begin with. Then, when I started dating exboyfriend, it didn't take much for him to make me feel better than I ever had, so I stayed with him even after I wanted to leave because I didn't think anyone else would notice me. With exfiance, he started with flattery and tried to make me feel good at first, then as time went on he started implanting that I was not pretty, not smart, nothing that would be desired by anyone but him. With that negative message from someone I thought I loved, how is it possible to not end up believing you're worthless and undesirable?

My confidence is slowly building. I am strong, I am caring, I am worth loving. I will be a nurse someday, who will extend the love and compassion others need because I know what it is to need extreme amounts of both. I am growing, developing, moving on, and I will continue to be a soft heart in this hell of a life because others do not deserve the terrible things that have happened to me. I am beautiful, smart, funny, sweet, caring, loyal, and deserving of a life in which happiness and joy are experienced. I am worthy regardless of what has been done to me and what I have survived. I have a story that is worthy of being told and I do not have to be a doormat any longer.

This is one of my stronger days and self-affirmations begin now.

I am worthy. I am strong. I have survived and I am on my way to thriving.

Transitional Nursery Day

Today's post is happy. It's about my day in the "transitional nursery" for OB clinicals.

Well, I spent about an hour in the nursery where I watched one baby, did a couple assessments for the nurse because she couldn't leave said baby, and then I sent a UA down to the lab for a tox screen. That was it.

I then got called down to go to a C-section!!! The "baby nurse" that I was following around does not actually go to c-sections, they leave that for the NICU team, but she does attend vaginal deliveries. Since there wasn't really anything going on, my nurse called my instructor and asked if it would be okay if I went to the OR to watch. Yay! It doesn't matter how many births I see, I still love them all and I can't wait to be in a position where I may even be able to be a nurse in that setting.

Watched that, then followed the baby to the PACU where my nurse was chillin' and helped with the assessment, got to teach the dad of the baby how to put sweeties (sugar water) on his finger and let his baby suck it off to relieve the baby's pain as I gave shots! I loved that! He was so excited that she was sucking so strongly and he enjoyed getting to see what it feels like when baby is sucking on mom. Plus, he was able to soothe baby through painful procedures which made him feel like he was contributing to care instead of just a by-stander.

I'm excited about it because I talked to him like a Real Nurse would talk to a dad! I had all the confidence in the world, asked him to go wash his hands and taught him how to stimulate the baby's suck reflex. He asked what the little cup of liquid was and I told him they were sweeties. He asked what that was and I told him it's basically sugar water and it provides pain relief for the baby during painful procedures since babies are so sensitive to sugar. It was a short, clean response that he seemed satisfied with and I answered it nicely and I think that encouraged him to continue to ask questions! There was a new nurse training with my nurse and when she answered questions for him, he seemed like he felt a little bit offended like he was being talked down to.

Now, that might by my biased opinion because she talked down to me regularly, but maybe it wasn't. Learning point for when I'm a nurse though is answer kindly to all questions. I try my best to do that with colleagues, instructors, doctors (even when they're not nice), patients, and all people in all aspects of life (working, clinicals, and real life). I feel like people ask me a lot of questions and if I don't know the answer, I go research it. However, I generally have an idea when I am at the hospital, of what to say. Sometimes I ask my nurse to help answer so I can get better wording, but sometimes that's not even an option. I pray that people will feel comfortable to ask me questions when I am a nurse and I also pray that I have a general idea as to what the answer is.

Shortly after that baby was born and mom came back to the PACU too, my nurse got a call to go to a vaginal delivery! Yay! Another birth! There were actually two that were supposed to be happening back to back. While we were in with one baby and working on assessing that baby, the other baby was born a minute later. Goodness, it's like all three made sure to all come at once. Now that I think about it, that's how it usually happened when I was shadowing the past couple of summers too. Baby's must come in threes, or at least all at the same time just like old people die in threes... It's just a weird phenomenon that seems to happen on a regular basis.

Regardless, I got to see both of those births, help with 3 rounds of shots and eye ointment administration, and help with a baby's first bath. So exciting! Plus, I've seen about 4 full, head-to-toe newborn assessments and they've really helped me become more comfortable with them.

The other girls in my group are upset with the amount of things I've seen compared to them. Honestly, I've seen a lot but I feel like the L-rd is the One orchestrating all of these amazing opportunities to see things that I am really interested in. It seems like He's preparing me to work in this field. I also think He's giving me so many blessed days so that I can start to have happy days again.

I went to counseling yesterday and read to her my huge long laundry list of good things that happened since our last session two weeks ago (because of the snow day) and she told me I seemed so happy. She said she was proud of me for standing up for myself against Jersey, blocking exfiance, and she saw how excited and glad I was about such a fantastic first day at clinicals. G-d blessed me with all of the experiences I needed to be able to learn the life lessons my counselor is encouraging me through like standing up for myself with Jersey and other friends.

We had just talked about that and then G-d gave me the opportunity to fix it. We talked about coloring at counseling and I came home to my roomie giving me an "adult" coloring book as a belated Hanukkah present! We talked about me being more assertive this week and I ended up voicing my opinions, in a nice way, in order to make my needs known. I'm learning the lessons He wants me to learn. Yes, I'm way late on a lot of them, but I feel like He's working on me. Then, when He knows I'm at my wits end with life and I'm way too sad to go on, He gives me amazing days where I can't help but be in awe of how amazing He is for providing me with these experiences.

I hope these other girls in my group will get to see a bunch of great procedures and have a ton of experiences, I truly do because I know I get excited about it and maybe they would enjoy it too! However, I pray that the L-rd continues to bless me with getting to see so many incredible things and I pray He puts me in the right place, at the right time, with the right people in order to continue to have amazing days for the rest of my nursing school career. I pray these things for the rest of my life too!

Oh L-rd, put me in the right place, at the right time, with the right people to be able to live and experience and amazing rest of my life!

My official counseling homework assignments are:

1. Make a list of needs and wants that I have for my life, not caring what anyone else wants or thinks I need.
2. Figure out how to stop only surviving and begin thriving.

The first one, I can do. The list is probably going to be pretty long, but I think that makes a little bit of sense. I'll probably end up sharing it on here just so you guys can see it.

Now, for the second one, I don't even know where to begin or what it means. I know what it kinda means, but it's not like I got step-by-step instructions on how to get from survival mode to begin thriving. My counselor asked me to think of a time I was thriving. Thing is, I don't know that I ever have. Maybe freshman year of college or sophomore year before Country Boy died? Even then, I don't remember "thriving" except when I was maybe 2. Maybe. I don't know, whatever. I'll think about it.


Anyway, y'all have a wonderful day, or week. I keep posting each day or every other day so you'll probably hear from me soon.

Ultrasound Results

I would like to start out saying that I went to a nurse practitioner hoping for more "nursey" care because I have had bad experiences with doctors in the past. This may not have been a wise choice. I understand that she is busy but after being intensely peppered with questions for 5 minutes, being belittled in that short time, then having results read on my voicemail by a receptionist and requesting to talk to the NP and her refusing to talk to me and only answering questions through an MA, I am beyond frustrated. Sorry for the long-winded run-on but that's how I talk when I get super excited or super frustrated. I am so frustrated.

Anyway, I got the results and the NP says that I have a "simple cyst" on my right ovary and that I will need to get another ultrasound in 2-3 months. That is the exact sentence she gave the receptionist (who has a very heavy accent, might I add, and it was barely discernable) to tell me. Freaking out, because I have no idea what that means, I call back and ask to speak to the NP. No, I'm not allowed to right then but they will put a note in my chart and the MA offered to answer what questions she could and then she would have the NP call me later. The answers were not comforting at all and only left me with more questions. Why are you guys waiting so long? Is this serious? Why is nothing else happening? Why is such a passive approach being taken when this could effect my Childbearing abilities? I mean, it's my frickin' ovary!!!

I called Mom to let her know and so I could lose it a little bit. She suggested calling Mema because Mema has been a nurse for awhile and she focuses on Post Partum and NICU. Why didn't I even think of that?! So after explaining everything that's going on, she told me that it might make having kids a little harder because of the ovulation cycle going from one ovary to the other, but she says I will likely be able to have kids because it's just one ovary being effected. She told me what else to look for and what symptoms to expect. She just explained everything and calmed me down so well and in nurse talk and true nurse fashion. Mema is just so fantastic, I am so blessed!

Next day the same MA calls back that I had talked to the previous day and she tells me the NP won't talk to me and she reiterates what the NP had already had read to me the day before on my voicemail. At this point I am beyond livid. Needless to say, I should have cancelled my Well Woman exam right then but I had left class to take the call and didn't want to waste any more time fighting with them. I'll do that another day, though, because she is obviously too busy to have me as a patient. I will also be filling out a review for her because it was not okay the way she treated me.


Do y'all remember me telling you that I thought I may have type 2 Bipolar disorder? Well, one of my cousins was recently diagnoses with it and then one of my dad's cousins (one of his favorites, no less) was recently diagnosed with it too after years of searching for answers and treatment. Mema tells me that in our family, it is passed from father to daughter and mother to son. She suspects I have it because I told her my symptoms and how I went hypomanic after finally taking some herbs to treat my depression. I may end up passing it on to my son, if I have sons, and I want 2-3.

Knowing medical/health stuff is such a blessing but occasionally it's a bit of a downer. Still, I would rather know and then be able to better plan from there than go in blind and wonder what certain outcomes meant.

Intense Weekend, I Could Have Died

I spilled the beans to Boyfriend yesterday about the ultrasound. I am not sure if I started it the right way, but I said everything I wanted to say and left out what I shouldn't have said, like about breaking up with him if it's really bad.

He took it like a champ. I think he saw that I was terrified and he knows I don't cry (hardly ever and NEVER in front of anyone else) but a couple tears threatened to stream down my face. He hugged me and I was able to hide it, so I thought, but he told me it was okay for me to cry. He's a worrier too, and I am not used to relying on anyone else for strength, but somehow I can with him and he stayed strong for me and encouraged me. He told me that we would go through this together and I believe that he will/would stick with me through whatever this is. That's new for me. I'm used to being the strength for my friends and for being there for them through/at doctor appointments and scary life things. I am not equipped to let someone else do that for me but I had one friend come with me to my ultrasound and I spilled my fears to her afterwards. I laid it all out on the table with Boyfriend. Mom has gotten all of the information from the very beginning for stuff that I never talk to anyone about.

When I was on my way to his new house this weekend with Roommate in the passenger's seat next to me, we hit black ice. We were on a paved country highway, I was going about 10 mph under the speed limit and we had just passed a few on-coming cars on the two lane highway (one lane each way). I corrected the car successfully about 3-4 times before we did a 180 and ended up in a ditch backwards. If we had been 10 feet further down the road we would have rolled the car and fell off a 15 foot drop off. If we had been a minute earlier we would have hit the oncoming car and I could have killed both of us and whoever was in that car. If we had been a minute later, we would have gotten hit by a semi truck. Roommate's step-dad and cousin were at their house and they came pulled us out. If they had been looking out of their window, they could have watch the entire thing! That's how close we were to them. Praise the L-rd for His hand on us and the scare of a lifetime but support seconds away. When I got back to their house I decided not to continue on to boyfriend's house and the L-rd whispered to my heart that He wasn't going to let me die just yet. With the health scare I am currently going through, that was surprisingly comforting for the moment and I was able to sleep through the night really well when I hadn't hardly slept the night before.

Last night at work I kind of helped save my patient's life! He was on an IV of 125 mL/hr and had not voided for about 12-18 hours because the doctor had the catheter pulled the day before. This is not logical to me but whatever. The pt has dementia and was combative. When I arrived he started coughing with a really wet cough and spitting out what he coughed up. The nurse was notified and he kept suctioning the pt but did nothing besides that. I had just learned about fluid overload in class so I already had my suspicions. Almost every patient on the floor last night was off the wall! There were bed alarms going off all the time and a bunch of sitter patients without sitters because we just didn't have enough staff and yet we were over staffed according to hospital parameters.

As the night progressed I kept pointing out the cough to my nurse and I kept sitting the patient up so that he could clear his throat, but he should have been NPO because he can't swallow right now. I pointed that out and it was dismissed. At about 0400 I checked the pt's O2 sat because I was curious how he was doing, even though I had just taken vitals an hour before. His O2 was 75%! I called the nurse and was told to slap 2L on him. He went up to 86% so I called again. Half an hour later another nurse comes in and tells me to turn it up. 4L only got him to 89% for a moment and then he started desat-ing really quickly. I run to grab a non-rebreather and cranked it up to 15L but that still only held him at 86-89% with me telling him to cough over and over.

Also at about 0400 we did a bladder scan and it showed he had 1000 mL+ of urine in his bladder. The nurse was called but he didn't come in until 0500. 1600 mL drained in a matter of minutes! The nurse was not in for the rest of the night to check on him even though I had continued to report things and the other CNA's (all of which are nursing students and there were 3 more CNA's in addition to me) told him they thought the pt was fluid overloaded. Nothing got done. When the day shift nurse came on she started to do stuff but quickly got pulled away to another emergency so the day CNA/sitter came in and we took over. She is a student nurse too so we called respiratory therapy and the RT that came up was impressed that two CNA's/Nursing Students handled everything the way that we had and we had gotten to the bottom of it when our nurses were too busy with other stuff.

Thinking back, I should have reported a lot more to my RN or gone to the charge, but it didn't occur to me to do so in the moment. I take a lot of the blame for my pt last night decompensating so much, but if I had not been in nursing school and hadn't checked his O2 an hour after vitals (normally spaced 4 hours apart) then it would have been so much worse. So, I go back and forth between believing it was my fault and being frustrated that I was not listened to. I will trust myself more next time and try to better advocate for my patient. He made it through the night and I am so beyond grateful that the L-rd taught me everything I needed to know in class before experiencing what I did last night. I'll have to tell my professor and clinical instructor about it tomorrow.

Talking to mom this morning, I learned she was diagnosed with endometriosis at about my age. I don't know why she didn't tell me before today, it would have been a handy bit of info about a month ago when I called her with my symptoms... Oh well. She told me she wasn't supposed to be able to have kids. I asked if that made her happy when she found out she was pregnant with me because I had grown up feeling guilty and thinking that I ruined her big life plans because she had a baby and then got married because I was born. She told me she was so excited and very shocked because she didn't think it could happen. I've been crying all day because it was the first time I realized that she wanted me from the very beginning and I have no reason to feel guilty about being born. I don't think I've cried so much since Country Boy died and that's be a year on March 30. Well, except maybe when I had a breakdown last semester and started hyperventilating, but that was still about Country Boy. I cried hardcore for at least 2 hours that day and then it was a pretty constant threat of the damn breaking and me crying at any point after that for a couple days.

She wanted me from the very start. She says I am a miracle because wasn't supposed to get pregnant. Then the doctors wanted her to abort because they thought I had a brain tumor and I wasn't supposed to live past 2. I've been in countless situations where I was supposed to die but I always come out without a scratch. Not even a single broken bone (well, my clavicle was broken when I was born but it fixed up real quick and I can't even tell). I could have died in the near crash this weekend but didn't. The L-rd kept me alive through at least 5 suicide attempts and the last one I had taken 50 pills that were either half ibuprofen and half acetaminophen or all acetaminophen, I can't remember. I know that 10 acetaminophen ended a girl, who was my age when I tried it, in the hospital and she was sicker than a dog when she was brought into the ER. The worst thing that happened to me is that I would sleep for about 14 hours and then wake up really tired.

I don't know why G-d is keeping me around, nor do I understand why He performs so many huge miracles for me all the time, but I'm sure glad He does. He whispered to my heart that he has big plans for me but in true G-d fashion, He won't tell me what those are. That makes me laugh though, every time.





Oh, and Nurse Dee, I don't know if you got my comment on your comment awhile back but I sure wish I could hug you. I don't like giving hugs but I give them to special people. We don't know each other in person, but you are such a blessing to me. Thank you for your continued encouragement and sound advice! I think I have found the balance, for now, between being a little bit worried and keeping busy. I will keep you updated and I will email you if something happens that I need extra support on. Thank you Nurse Dee, I truly appreciate your kindness and support through this past year or two. It means so much to me.

It's a Happy New Year Indeed!

Let me tell you a story about my New Year's Eve. It was so fun!

We decided to go out to Roommate's mom's house after I had worked to night. No big deal because I got to sleep for a couple of hours in between.

We headed out to her place around 5 with no big complications. There was a small dinner at her mom's house before we all headed to the dance. So, it was Roommate, her mom, the step-dad (he's is so cool, I just love him to pieces!), Roommate's cousin, and two of that kid's cousins on the other side of his family tree (just roll with it). Oh, plus me. Already we have a recipe for a great night because these people are so fun.

We get to the dance about an hour after it began with a different one of Roommate's cousins because we had to jump over to the next town to get soda. That's how small this town is, there isn't a gas station or grocery store for at least 9 miles down the road.

The dance is fun and we're all just hanging out in a big circle in the back with my uncle and aunt and some other people I've never met before.

At midnight Roommate agreed that we would start a new single girl tradition of giving each other high-fives because we have nobody to kiss (and I avoid kisses like the plague, but for very different reasons!) A little while later a guy comes up and asks me to dance. He is such a good dancer! He asked for my number after the first dance and then we danced a few more songs. Also, he smells really good even after dancing for hours before finally asking me onto the floor. That's a super great bonus!

So, excellent night right? We closed the city hall down, which is where the dance was at, around 2 a.m. I was so tired I was begging to go home but I got talked into going to another party. I was told we would only be there for 30 minutes. That was a lie. We left around 4 a.m.! However, the party was super fun. I didn't drink when I was there but I won three games of beer pong in a row! Every time the other team got the ball in a cup and it was my turn to drink I would pour it into a different cup and they didn't even notice! Ya, they were way too far gone. I feel like a cheater but... I wasn't about to get sick or do something silly just because I had been drinking. Hey, the guy was there and we won a game together! I need to come up with a name for him...

Fast-forward to about 0400 today and he finally texted me! I thought he had forgotten about me or didn't actually care that he got my number. Well, turns out he remembered me and we are going on a date tomorrow (tonight because it is now 0138). I'm too excited to sleep and I even took all my herbs to help with sleep, plus magnesium, plus melatonin...

Bonus #2! Roommate gets to come with me and it's going to be a group date because I was really nervous it would just be the two of us. Phew! I won't have to sustain a conversation the entire night by myself. We are going to go to dinner and bowling and though I am okay at beer pong, I am terrible at bowling so hopefully he doesn't dislike me just because we lose. I already warned him but nobody ever understands the severity of my badness until they experience it for themselves first-hand. Ah well, I will let you know how it goes tomorrow and maybe he'll even get a better nickname for this blog!

Daily Thanksgiving: Roommate gets to come with me on my first date and I had a blast dancing on New Year's Eve! Most importantly, G-d brought me through 2014. I think this was one of my roughest, if not the roughest year of my life so far but G-d allowed me to survive. He brought me through! I pray that 2015 goes much better for me and all of you out there. Happy New Year!

I think I will try to give a synopsis of my 2014 tomorrow, if I remember. I'll also let you know how the night goes with him and then maybe I'll tell you a bit more about him. Teaser: he's pretty cute and he seems to have his life together fairly well. He's a really good dancer and so far he's super sweet while also being able to be upfront instead of beating around the bush. He also instigated the whole thing and asked me out after only meeting me once instead of hoping I would ask him after months of only texting each other. All things I was looking and hoping for so we'll see! Pray for safety for both of our hearts, his understanding of my weird boundaries, and fun, lots of fun.

Update from Yesterday's Fiasco

I email the professor of the class that I missed my test from explaining that I had a mental/emotional breakdown (without getting into any details). Anyway, he totally opened the test back up so I could take it again! Oh my gosh, praise the L-rd!!! I am so beyond relieved right now I cannot even explain it fully to you. Seriously, this teacher clearly outlines in his syllabus that there will be no retakes besides major health concerns or anything short of you dying, and he allowed me to retake it because I simply told him I lost my mind.

These are the things G-d does for me on a daily basis. This and so many other little and big things alike, I just can't even contain how grateful I am that G-d softened the professors heart and allowed me this chance.

Completely Blown Away

I have not posted for the past couple of weeks because I have been out of town! Oh my goodness, it was absolutely amazing. I went South to go visit Mema for a whole entire week. Also, I drove down there by myself! 6-7 hour drive and I actually made it there alive and without going through any unnecessary states. So, that's good.

While down there I also got the opportunity to shadow in both the NICU and L&D. What a fantastic opportunity, I am so blessed! For 2 days I woke up at 0515 in order to make it to the hospital in time to follow a nurse in NICU and then went on over to Labor and Delivery to follow a nurse (more like all the nurses) to anything that was at all fascinating. Before this experience, I was on the fence between the two specialties and not even knowing if I would actually enjoy either of them. Having shadowed, I think I would really enjoy working in the NICU. Yes, it will be rough. Babies die. However, I think it is something I could do with all my heart and still maintain my compassion and love for the job.

I got to see so much just in the NICU. An OG tube taken out and replaced with an NG tube in a itty bitty baby. Tube feedings and nipple training for other itty bitty's. A bath, which was just the cutest thing ever! An assessment and the preparation of breast milk into bottles or syringes for feedings. I also saw a father hold his baby for the first time after the baby had been born about a week ago. I nearly started crying. The love, amazement, and concern written across the faces of a baby's parents while he laid in a bed hooked up to pumps, tubes, IV's, and just about anything else possible for someone to be attached to. I don't think I could ever get sick of watching that.

Then I went over to L&D. Oh man, I feel bad for going over there. The poor nurses that I was following were having calm, easy days until I would start following one of them. First delivery out of the box went just fine until the mom started hemorrhaging. Seeing everyone know what to do and where to be was incredible. Seriously, they had to massage the mother's uterus and increase the Pitocin and the nurse upped the Pit before the doctor even requested it and they had to take turns massaging because they had to do that for a really long time. Oh the poor mom, I'm sure she had a huge bruise the next day and it was tender just when they were "massaging". Besides that I saw 2 C-Sections, 2 other deliveries, 2 episiotomies, a couple uteruses and the ovaries plus real-life abdominal muscles (during C-Sections). I watched a couple of lactation consultations and the a bunch of parents meeting their babies for the first time. 

Absolutely amazing. So, between that and getting tons of R&R with Mema, that is what I did this past week. How is your summer going?

Millions of Applications

Guys, I got a new job!!! It has been a crazy day. Let's start the story with last Wednesday.

Last Wednesday I decided to check my CNA email after not having checked it for a couple of weeks and I haven't worked there in almost a month. Turns out I got an email asking me to come in for an interview. No big deal, because I have filled out an application for literally hundreds of CNA positions in the past year and a half in an attempt to get into the hospital. So I replied and got a spot for Monday (today).

I go in today, the interview is going well. Turns out that one of the interviewers started out as a CNA at a dementia care facility while she was attending nursing school, just like me! At the end of the interview she said that she couldn't think of any reason why I wouldn't get the job. "I mean, you pretty much have the job." What!?! I have never had an interview end with a job offer!

A couple of hours later HR contacted me and emailed me the new hire paperwork and that's it. That's the whole story. I got an interview and a new job all in one day. I never thought much of the request for an interview but oh man, I'm just floored. One of the interviewer (the lady that was a CNA with dementia pts) even gave me a hug at the end! Ya, it was amazing.

I will be a patient sitter in the floar pool between a couple of hospitals. This is a CNA job and they will also be training me to be a CNA on the floor too, just in case they need CNA's instead of just sitters. I will be able to go onto just about any floor besides peds, Mother/Baby, and NICU but that's okay. I will also be working nights which I'm slightly concerned about with school and my school scheduling... but maybe they will let me move to days soon.

The only thing that could make this day better would be to hear from my NICU interview and have them offer me a summer job in the NICU... Miracles happen daily for me and for everyone, you just have to be looking.

Praise the L-rd! He got me a job I didn't even expect and I am so excited for the many opportunities I will be given with this job and being able to go to almost every floor in the hospital.

NICU Job

A couple weeks ago I had an interview for a CNA position in the NICU at one of our local hospitals. I told y'all that I didn't get the job as evidence by an email I received just after I found out about Country Boy's passing... That was a struggle.

Monday morning, I was fixin' to call them back to see if they had any advice for how I could improve my interviewing skills. I was certain that I had bombed the interview because they went from all smiles and nice tones to more of a interrogation-like mode. Super freaky, let me tell you. It all happened once they started asking about my schedule and how long a semester is and stuff like that.

So, I left the interview feeling defeated. Monday, while I was at my IT job, I get a voicemail. My phone didn't ring all day, but then there was a voicemail message. It was the assistant manager of the NICU calling me back asking to speak to me about how the interview went...

Do I need to mention my light headedness, heart palpitations, sweaty palms, shakiness, and all around feeling of impending doom? When I called her back she was so sweet but straight to the point. She told me that it was a hard decision between me and another person but went with the other girl due to scheduling. HOWEVER, she mentioned that I did well in the interview and hopes that she has a position opening up in the summer and she asked if she could call me in case that happens! She then proceeded to tell me that she loved my enthusiasm and the hospital is fixin' to start a training program for new grads wanting to work in the NICU and she thought I would be a fantastic candidate if I still want to be in the NICU upon graduation.

I was speechless. I had been so upset all week and weekend after finding out about Country Boy, me not getting the job, breaking up with Best Friend, and the million other things in my life that just had me drowning in emotional crisis and self pity. I'm sure y'all know that I do not handle emotional troubles well. So, I had been angry at G-d for several days for not letting me save Country Boy, then for not letting me get my "dream job," and then for all the other silly things I recognized as being not good in my life. Even with all that, G-d was working in ways that I could not see. When I thought my world was falling apart, He was orchestrating everything perfectly. Whether I get the NICU job or not, He allows me to find favor with Him and with the people I come into contact with.

I was telling a guy at my IT job that I had an interview with the NICU the other day. He didn't know what that was so I explained that it was the ICU for itty bitty babies. He then proceeded to ask if I was baby crazy. Ummmmmm, not in the way that most girls my age are. I am definately not ready to have one of my own. I am perfectly fine taking care of them for awhile and then going home to a house full of quiet. Ya, I'd like offspring of my own someday, but that'll have to wait on G-d's timing.

The same guys also asked if I was engaged. Oh man, I can't even hold down a relationship based on friendship, how on earth can I handle an engagement? Well, it's not his fault, I wear my purity ring on my left hand ring finger. I also wear my old purity ring on my right middle finger because I lost a bunch of weight and so I had to shuffle my rings around so they would fit. Needless to say, we had a beautiful awkward silence totally brought on by him. That is rare because I didn't cause it!!!

Well, let's finish this school year strong. Only about a month left and I am ready for summer. I can't be the only one to be overdue for a summer vacation, right? Check out my Pinterest to see what I have planned for the summer and there is more to come. I need some sleep. Good night, folks.

First Patient

If you have someone in your life who has, is going, or will go to nursing school, you have likely heard about care plans. These are the bane of nursing student's existence. It is essentially an 8-12 hour assignment with less than 24 hours to complete it. There is very little you can work on before getting your patient and it requires a lot of research on one particular person which means you have to be at the hospital for a very long time the night before your clinical rotation.

My first care plan was 18 pages. It took me about 12 hours to complete. I finished most of it at 1:30 a.m. the night before clinicals only to wake up at 4:30 that same day in order to be to clinicals on time. Furthermore, just the med list took me 3.5 HOURS!!! There were close to 30 meds and I had half of them on the pre-made med list given to me by an upperclassman. These things SUCK.

By the time I got to clinicals the next morning, my patient had already been discharged...

I got a new patient (that I absolutely adore). This patient had 1, count 'em... 1 drug. That was insulin.

Dude, seriously?!

Whatever. It was great experience, clinicals were amazing. I had a fantastic nurse again and G-d continues to watch out for me and bless me in the most unexpected ways. He teaches me so much all the time and protects me in the greatest ways.

C'est la vie...

I woke up and the day started like a normal day for me. Got ready and was fixin' to head out the door with my brother when he realized he couldn't find his wallet. We looked around for a bit but still could not find it so we decided I should drive. At this point, we are approximately 5-10 minutes behind schedule. I drop him off and as I am driving to my part of campus, I get pulled over.

"Ma'am, do you know what the campus speed limit is?"

"No, sir, I do not"

"It's 15 and you were going 25 when I clocked you. License, registration, and proof of insurance please."

Awesome! My first speeding ticket, I'm already late, and now I can't even find the car's registration because my brother is a pack rat and puts everything in weird places. It's only 9:30 and my day already sucks!

"Ma'am, I'll let you off with a warning because we haven't had to pull you over before but just know that for going 10 mph over the speed limit, your ticket would have been $100"

"I'm so sorry officer, thank you very much"

I walk into class 15 minutes late to find that there was an unannounced quiz. I go up to talk to the teacher who just says "sorry." I got back to my seat and wait for lecture to begin while trying to hold back the tears. With me, it has to be really bad for me to start tearing up in class, but I never cry if I can help it. Fortunately, I didn't cry. All through class, my brother had been texting me. I had turned my phone on silent so I didn't hear anything at all. I check my phone over our short break and 5 new texts and a phone call all from my brother. I wanted to explain what had happened so that he would realize that his problem of having to wait 2 hours was not as bad as all of my angering tragedies, but I didn't. Instead, I stayed calm, texted him to wait until my class was over and then I would take him home. He replied snottily and I felt like going off on him, but I remained calm still.

Class is over, so I head outside. I find my brother in the backseat because he had a bad day too.  His bad day merely consisted of getting a 70% on a quiz, having to walk down to my part of campus, and then sitting in a hot car even though he definitely could have gone inside to where it is air conditioned. Guys, I STILL didn't go off on him! I calmly explained my morning: being late, getting pulled over, and getting a 0 on a quiz I didn't know we had because he would not just leave when I asked him to.

After lunch, I needed to pick up a penlight for my next class which is BHA lab. I left the house underestimating how long it would take to secure such an item. By this time I was 5 minutes late and I didn't have the parking pass that my brother and I share because I forgot it! So, I go to metered parking but I don't have any quarters. I drive around 3-4 times looking for a parking spot in the neighborhood close to the school and finally find one. A brisk walk up a large hill with flip-flops and I make it to lab sweating, out of breath, and 15 minutes late. Oy vey! I almost just didn't even go because I was so angry and frantic.

My professor for lab just happens to be the professor I have for the lecture I went to earlier in the day. She came over to me, and my heart started pumping so hard and fast. She leaned over and whispered, "You can come into my office tomorrow and retake that quiz." Let me tell you, those were such sweet words along with the cop just letting me off with a warning. I wasn't even worried about the quiz anymore, I didn't care at that point because it was already definitive for me, I missed the quiz and I'll just take a zero. I was also sure that I was going to get a ticket today. Instead, G-d had different plans for me with both of those. He gave the cop and my professor grace for me and allowed my day to be awful, but completely within His control. It was definitely a lesson in time management, anger, forgiveness, grace, and trust.

I would really like to go to bed now because I'm exhausted from having such a stressful day, but I have a million things due tomorrow so I had better get to work. C'est la vie, non? (FYI: "non" is how you spell and say "no" in French, it is pronounced just like our "no")

Incredible Words of Encouragement

I went out to dinner the other night with a dear friend and my mentor. She also just happens to be the lady that I babysit for. My goodness she is such a blessing!

She takes time out of her ridiculously busy schedule to ask me to dinner and sit talking with me for 2 hours. Not to mention, the drive to come to this dinner is 30 minutes from her home. Never have I really had someone speak over my life like she has. She encourages me, makes me cry with her kindness, and lets me know when I'm being silly and need to not do something. For someone who does not trust easily, I very much trust her (as much as I can trust a person) and I feel I would do anything for her. In fact, I almost postponed going to college so that I could stay at her house and help her with her 4 amazing kids through a very difficult journey for their family. If you don't have someone like this in your life, you need to start praying for them now! G-d speaks straight to my heart through her so much I can't even tell you. I don't even mention things in my life and somehow He tells her and she brings it up and talks me through it. She is my mentor, a very dear friend and someone I aspire to be like when I grow up.

Something she has recently brought to my attention is the fact that I don't trust anyone/anything, I worry (even more than I thought, surprising, I know!), and I am at my best when I am serving (as observed by others, not just me).

The trust thing was new for me. It encompasses why I refuse the flu shot. I don't trust that this silly vaccine, that comes out every year, is supposed to do me any good. In fact, there is some data suggesting that it is actually harmful. So, what's the truth? I don't want to get it, but my G-d is bigger than anyone trying to harm me, so if it is required, is it worth it to just get the stupid shot? If it is meant for harm, G-d can make it completely unharmful. Even knowing this, is it okay to submit and accept the vaccine just to get a different job in a hospital? I would only do it until I can move somewhere else that is still allowing us to make our decisions freely and not bullying us into injecting toxins and "inactive" viruses into our arms or snuffing said "inactive" viruses up our nose in the name of health. This is America after all, but less and less is able to be up to us... Still, I understand that I chose this profession and that means possibly accepting all of the terms of the job, including this flu shot. I'm still at a fork in this road. I have no clue what to do because I hate to back down after fighting so hard to not get the shot. Not because of pride, just because I don't trust that this vaccine is in my best interest. More on this later...

In other news, school starts in a week and this week is packed for me! I work 7 shifts (3 doubles and an evening shift) at my CNA job and I also begin my new IT job on campus this week. I also have to order books and pray that they come in before I have to start my classes because I was thinking I would get my financial aid refund check this last Friday but that didn't happen... So, I'm freaking out about rent, books, and the millions of other things I have to do this week to get ready for this next crazy semester of school.

Successful Day

After receiving the call from work at about 3 this morning, I slept in nice and late (for me). I studied a bit, spent some time with my brother, watched another episode of my favorite show and then went to work. Now, work was good and bad. The good part was that I only had to work 5 1/2 hours. The bad part was that everyone was so uncooperative! Goodness, it took me 30-45 minutes to help change one lady into her pajamas and she only let me change her pants. Plus, she asks "huh?" after everything that you say even though she can hear just fine. It's like an automated response to everything. Man, I was getting so frustrated having to repeat everything and having the most nonsensical conversation I think I have ever had in my life. Guys, I don't know how much longer I can stay at this job. For my first CNA job I think it's gone pretty well but I am so burnt out at this place. They pay way less than hospitals or even other facilities but they are having us work with one of the most difficult populations (in my opinion). I have had so many days pleading with G-d to let me have a unit secretary job in the hospital or just any CNA job in the hospital. I would love to work in labor and delivery or in the NICU. I have even applied to tons of those positions because they are open in the hospitals right now but no one is calling me back. Oh well, G-d knows where I am supposed to be and for how long. If I knew how long I would be here I would either crawl into a hole and wait for death (not really, I'm being way overly dramatic) or I would cease productivity for my remaining days at work. I guess that's why G-d doesn't tell us His time frame for things, huh?

I was thinking about that on my way to work today. He allowed me to get into nursing school. Just a couple months ago I was asking for Him to tell me if I would get in or not. If He would have told me He would get me in, I probably wouldn't have worked so hard to pass the HESI with such a good score and I probably wouldn't have tried for all A's this last year. So, if He were to tell me when I would meet my husband and where, I would stop living and trusting Him to bring my husband and I together. Likewise, if I knew any of His future plans for me, and the time that He would fulfill those plans, I would stop doing anything because I know that His plans would be carried out. This is frustrating for me because I am nosy and like to have everything planned and understood. However, this is also very good because G-d is teaching me faith, trust, hope (which I really struggle with), patience, thanksgiving, and so many other lessons. For now, I will just have to let go of my frustration and learn to go with His flow. Someday I will be able to look back glad that life had all of the surprises He meant for me to experience.

Daily Thanksgiving: I do not have to work again until Sunday and work was not so bad that I outright quit... not yet. G-d keeps surprises for us so that we can learn a whole plethora of lessons with each of His provisions and blessings. Today I set up an interview for a job on campus for my work-study program. I interview on Friday and we will see if G-d wants me to work 2 jobs this next year. G-d is in control of life, which I am so grateful for because I mess mine up all the time and I'm not even the boss!

One of Those Days

Do you ever have those instances where you know what you want to say but you don't know how to say it? I know what I'm thinking and feeling (ugh! I dislike that word but it's the only one I can think of to fit this situation) but I don't know how to put it into words. I'm sure y'all are sick of reading about my boy problems and I promise I will try to cut back on those posts. Right now, however, it seems like I need to express myself with this whole situation but I don't know how to put into words everything that is within me. Please tell me I'm not the only one that has this happen to them! Maybe I just need to focus on school more and stop thinking about this because it's driving me nuts and you guys must me sick of reading about it. So, I propose that I don't talk about it much anymore. I will try my hardest to not make every post or every other post about these silly boys that are getting me all worked up because it's not doing anything to help the situation. Also, I know that this blog is for nursing students, CNA's, future midwifes, and anyone else interested in these types of conversations so I will try to keep my posts more along those lines instead of letting this be my personal diary. Maybe you can have a peek into my inner workings every once in awhile, but I wanted this blog to be for nursing students and the journey we go through because I didn't find a whole lot of blogs that really chronicled the events that I was curious about with regards to nursing school. Therefore, I am going to try to get back onto topic and stop this ridiculous ranting. I apologize to you all for putting you through that.

Today I met a nurse at the volunteer thing I went to. She works on the orthopedics floor at the hospital I got offered a job at, and she had some great stories and she was full of tons of information. She looked like she was probably in college, but she is a full-fledged RN and had been nursing for 5-8 years (I can't remember how long she had said she has been nursing for). She was very inspirational though because she moved here from several states away, bought her own house, is engaged, and is allowing her brother to live with her as he gets on his feet as a police officer. It's so nice to see someone so young who went the traditional school-job-marriage route, especially when so many people are discouraging that path for me. They want me to date, get married now, then finish my college, with or without children in the mix. But they want everything done right now. To tell you the truth, I wish I did have a boyfriend right now and I wish I had marriage in sight. Now, that is not the case and so I have to be grateful and trust that the L-rd has everything in my life worked out the way He needs it. Until then, I will hold off and be patient (as patient as I can be right now) and stick with my boring, traditional school-job-possibly marriage route that seems to be before me.

I also got to do some blood glucose tests today! The first time I did them I had to use an old-school lancet and that was no bueno! I stuck the girl who was teaching me 2-3 times and I felt so bad. Today, however, we had those nifty lancets that are spring loaded so you just press and the thing shoots out and sticks the victim. Golly, I love those things and getting to do blood tests is so exciting! I can't wait to learn I.V.'s in school. Something about blood fascinates me. G-d puts so much importance into blood in the Bible and in life and so to be able to see it and do stuff with it is so exciting! I can't wait to be a nurse. Then I get into class and I wonder why I am doing this at all... but days like this make me excited to be a nurse again. So, for the time being, I am super stoked to be starting actual nursing classes this fall with my friend from this last semester to help me through. L-rd willing, we will make it through to the end and be able to be pinned and we will become Registered Nurses with our Bachelor's degrees together.

Random thoughts: Yesterday I had micro class and lab, nothing new there. At the end of class, a strange thing happened though. A random lady came up to me with the scared, sunken in eyes look that people get when they are nervous. She asked me if she could ask me a personal question. I was nervous and immediately thought of everything I had done wrong in that class because she almost sounded like she was about to cuss me out for having done something wrong (which I didn't do anything but I'm always nervous and jumping to conclusions like that). She said she had overheard me say that I got into the nursing program at my university and she was wondering if I thought that a B would make it difficult for her to get into the program. Wow. I am so not used to people coming up to me and asking me for advise on anything! I gave her my opinion, my advice, and what I had heard from my school counselor and various others who had made it into the program and she went on her merry way with that answer. As I was walking to my car that night I started thinking about my acceptance. I have been so proud to be accepted over hundreds of other applicants and the fact that I made it into the program after my counselor had said that the first year was really hard and so many people drop out, I had pride because I showed her wrong and I got almost straight A's to boot! But then I began to wonder why I was proud. I didn't really do anything to get in. I slack off with school and then begin praying and scrambling to finish projects, papers, and to study for tests. So G-d does all of my schoolwork and He is the one to get me good grades. I did not study well for the HESI so G-d gave me another day to study and He gave me favor with the test when I did not know the answers. I did not do anything extraordinary to get into the program, G-d allowed the nursing school board to find favor with me to allow me into the program. Why am I proud? I have no right to be proud! I did not earn this acceptance into the nursing program. All of my accomplishments in life are really not mine at all. Everything I have, everything I have done (that is good) is because of G-d. He inspires me to do any good thing that I do. He is the one to provide good things for me in all aspects of life. I do not have anything to boast about except that G-d reigns supreme and He is Almighty. He provides everything good in my life. He protects me and He fixes my mistakes in life.

Daily Thanksgiving: G-d got me into the nursing program. He gave me a beautiful apartment and allowed me to be able to rent it with my brother this year. He gives us just enough that we do not go hungry, but He doesn't give us too much that we forget Him. He allowed me to have a very nice, relaxing day and I got some sun (and Vitamin D) while volunteering. He also gave me a little boost of encouragement through meeting the young nurse I met today.

Shabbat Shalom!

Why?

Lately I have had so many people question my every move.

"Why don't you have a boyfriend?"
"Why have you never dated anyone?"
"Why did you move in with your brother?"
"Why are you broke?"
"Why, why, why, why, why?"

My reply: Why is it any of your business and why do you care?

Of course, I never really questioned them, but I kinda wanted to. I am just a very private person and I don't mind sharing about myself, but I don't even know why I do everything so I can't explain it to myself let alone anyone else.

For the past couple weeks I have been mulling over my future in my head again and again. Why kind of nurse will I be? When/where will I meet my husband? Will I get a CNA job in a hospital? How will school be? Will I make tons of friends or just be one of those people who everyone considers a friend but is actually very lonely because she doesn't get close to anyone? (I already am like that.) Where will I live when I graduate? How will the next few years turn out for myself and my brother? Will we live peacefully together or will we kill each other? What is even going on?!

I desperately need to get out of my head and just let G-d control my life. He controls our lives whether we give Him reign or not, but life is way easier if we are not fighting tooth and nail for our silly desires and our plans because G-d always has what we want and need in His plans for our life.

Daily Thanksgiving: My mema came into town and I get to see her tomorrow! I also get to volunteer tomorrow, which I love to do. I got 140/120 on my micro unknown organism project and I got 80% on my vocab test from Wednesday. So far, living with my brother has been great and he got a really good financial aid award which means that we will not be overly stressed for money this year!!! I am so relieved I can't even explain it.

Surprise Homecoming

Today I got a great surprise, my brother officially moved into our apartment! He had all of his stuff down here, but he still had his old job an hour and a half away so he was staying with out parents. He was recently able to transfer his job to a branch down here and he came down today! I wasn't expecting him for a few days.

I am so glad that he is home now though because I have been so lonely. Plus, I really love my brother, like a ridiculous amount. Sure, we fight sometimes, but we are best buds a lot of the time. We went to the grocery store tonight, at 11 p.m., and we had a great time. I caught him up on my current boy situation and he laughed at me... But it was great and at the end of the day, he really wants me to be happy and, for some reason, he really wants me to have a boyfriend. He actually took it pretty hard that I didn't start dating my country boy, but c'est la vie, non? (Non is how you spell no in French. I learned that in French class and it's one of the only things I actually still remember 4 years later.)

I forgot to tell him about my coworkers trying to set me up with my friend's brother but I have a feeling that if I tell him he will just try to actually work with them to make it happen.

Folks, I'm getting so beat. I haven't really had a vacation at all this summer and likely won't get time off until I am completely finished with school, retired from work, and finally taken home to see the L-rd. Unfortunately, life is ridiculously busy and it seems as though I'm letting life slip away. It also seems like I am growing farther and farther away from G-d. I'm going to try to find a church, for real this time, but it's so hard to find a new church. Especially when I don't really want to be going to church, I want to find a good Messianic congregation but I've visited those and have not liked what I've seen. Maybe I'm just too picky. My brother says I am too picky about food, boys, people, and everything else in my life, so I bet it's true.

You know, I made a list of what I want in a boyfriend/husband. Now, my lists aren't just random lists that I jot down, I make a lot of them. A lot of time and effort goes into thinking about them and praying about them. I made a list of what I wanted in my roommates for college, it was simple. I wanted all of them to at least be under the "Christian" umbrella and I wanted at least one of them to be "Messianic." Guess what happened? I got what I prayed for! One girl considered herself "Messianic" because she did some of the Jewish holidays (though I don't technically count her as such), and all of them were at least some type of Christian. It did not work out between us, but I think it could have been much worse if I had been rooming with people who drank, slept with boys, partied, etc. I thank the L-rd that He put me with the girls He did because I learned so much and He answered my prayers.

I also made a list/journal prayer about a dog. My parents had finally decided I could have a dog and I was so excited (and slightly worried because we had a dog before for 3 weeks but the dog wasn't a good fit, so I didn't want to have to give up another dog the same way). So, I prayed about it very specifically and wrote everything I wanted in the dog. Next day we went to the pound and G-d gave us the perfect dog. She is everything I asked for and more. The list was very specific but G-d provided us a dog that fit it to a T! We framed the prayer and we still have the dog 7 years later.

Funny thing is, I have prayed about boys before too. Sometimes I start to crave the attention of a boy (I'm just being honest here. It feels good to have a guy think your cute, smart, funny, and datable.) So, I have prayed that a boy start to like me who has certain qualities. Soon after, a boy starts to like me who just so happens to have those qualities. Up to now it's great for awhile, then I begin to see why it would not work out. Thank the L-rd that I have not dated anyone yet because my life could have been a totally different story if I had dated all the boys I thought I wanted to date. It seems as though He is showing me that I think I know what I want, but in reality I need to be patient and just let Him bring the right man into my life on G-d's own schedule. Let me tell you, it's not easy. I have the longest grocery list of what I want in a boyfriend/husband, but only G-d knows what I will be happy with and when/if I will meet this man. I hope I get married and I really hope that I meed my future husband soon because I am getting so antsy. However, it seems like when we try to speed G-d's schedule up to fit our own selfish plans, we just make the waiting worse than it has to be. For now, I will pray while I'm waiting. I will work on my relationship with the L-rd and allow Him to work on me being content single. When I try to find someone who is "my other half" or has a personality that fills for all of my personality flaws, I just get so badly crushed because I am relying on someone else to complete me. That is not how dating and marriage work! I have to be complete on my own so that I can share a life with someone else, L-rd willing that I will have a husband in the future.

I'm off to be complete on my own and work on my relationship with G-d before I cultivate a new relationship with anyone else.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am so very thankful that G-d listens to me when I pray. The Creator of the Universe listened to and answered my prayers about a dog. How incredible is that? He listens to us all and answers all prayers, but I am constantly amazed when He does, especially for the little things that are so trivial. I am thankful that my brother is home with me and that my summer class is beginning to wind down. I get to work the night shift tomorrow with my favorite CNA and possibly my favorite LPN. Hopefully they won't try to keep talking me into dating her (LPN) brother... G-d had protected my heart from so many bad relationships that could have happened but didn't. He has kept me ignorant when I needed to be, wise for other occasions, and always very stubborn when boys try to talk me into things that would be no good for me. I am a truly blessed girl.

Blessings and good night y'all! It's 1 a.m. and I'm very tired but still have to get up early tomorrow so I can cook pancakes for my brother, who is my best friend (here on earth, G-d holds the overall title).

Dating Promises

My friend recently went to a Christian youth conference where they made a list of promises about what they will/won't do while dating. I think this is an excellent idea! I would like to share mine with you. Feel free to add to it or cut things out. You can tell me if I am being completely irrational or if I am not being strict enough. I would like input, if you have any, because I haven't dated anyone, ever, so these are based on ideal circumstances and not totally on experience.

1. I promise to communicate. I want him to know my boundaries and I want to know his. I will work on telling him, and others, what I need, what I want, what I like/don't like, etc. 
2. I promise to not hang out alone. I have already broken this promise several times but no more!
3. I promise to not kiss anyone until my wedding day, and I will only ever kiss my husband.
4. I promise to hear him out when he needs/wants something, if he gets jealous, if he wants me to start/stop something. I may not comply with his requests, but we will talk it over and I will explain why I will/won't/can't do something. 
5. I promise to conduct myself in such a manner that I would not be ashamed of the conversation or activities taking place should my parents, family, friends, children (adopted and future) find out or walk in on us.
6. I promise to hold him accountable to promises, convictions, and problems I witness or hear about. I will not consider him guilty if a rumor should begin, but I will ask him about it and take his word.
7. I promise to do my best to maintain a holy relationship through dating, engagement, and marriage with him.
8. I promise to stay honest, even if the truth will hurt him. I will try my best to not intentionally hurt him or anyone who happens to be pursuing me. However, I do not want to string anyone along simply because I do not want to hurt them. Stringing them along will hurt them (and myself) more than it would if I am just honest in the beginning.
9.  I promise to love G-d more than I love my boyfriend/husband or anyone else. 
10. I promise to do my best to find a man that loves G-d more than he loves me or anyone else.

This is just a short list, but I think it gets down to the core of what I need from a relationship. G-d knows who He has chosen for me, if I will indeed date/marry, but these are rules that I feel are G-d inspired to protect me and potential suitors. (I know I use a lot of weird vocabulary like suitors, pursuing me, etc. I'm an old soul with very traditional views and an old-fashioned vocabulary.)

I encourage you to make your own list and keep adding to it as you think about dating/marriage. If I had been keeping all of these promises to myself and G-d my heart would not be so heavy right now and I would know that I had done everything possible to protect my heart for my husband. Life also would have been much easier for me... Unfortunately, I gave in and now I have a lot of regrets. From now on, however, I will be keeping these promises to the best of my ability in order to maintain my integrity, my innocence, and my pure heart.