A couple of weeks ago, I went into work 2 hours early to cover for a friend that needed to leave early. While there, there wasn't much going on, so I got to spend some time with some of the day shift labor nurses and one of our doctors. The subject of marriage came up because one of our little day shifters had just gotten set up (that day!) with an IT guy at the hospital because he came up to fix a computer on our unit. We got to talking about how it would be "okay" for this girl to marry the guy by November (her dream wedding month and a mere 7-8 months in the future) because she would have the rest of her life to get to know him. She was concerned with not knowing him well enough before marrying him. I was helping the rest of the pack encourage her in this matter, and I mentioned that she would be "stuck with him" the rest of her life so it would be fine! The doctor, who just so happens to be the one I have the most contention with on the unit, then point blank asked if I was married. I responded that I am not, and he told me that that is the problem with our culture today, we don't see it as getting to be with a particular person. Instead, we see it as being stuck with a person.
Of course, I use words that I don't mean. Usually it is for comedic affect or to diminish the seriousness of the situation. That is was I was doing, but this guy already doesn't like me so he used it as a time to take a bit of a jab at me.
Honestly, I want to begin to not dread things so much. But, for as long as I can remember, I have learned to dread things so that I don't get my hopes up to merely be let down. It's a pattern I can pick out in most of my early memories and it has continued on into my adulthood. I feel like that's part of why I stuck it out with those stupid boys for so long, I was hoping that thing would get better, but I was mostly resigning myself to the fact that if I just stuck it out, I could survive. I didn't get my hopes up about grad school very much, and wasn't as hurt as I could have been when I got rejected. But maybe that kept me from fighting the way I could have for a spot in the program. Who knows?
After exboyfriend, I gave up my hopes that I would have a solid, healthy relationship. I stopped hoping for a good, let alone great, marriage. And I resigned myself to a life alone. After exfiance, I was sure that my life was meant to be carried out alone. Once I started having hope again, along came frickin ex-best friend to break all of my boundaries and I was set back several milestones, again.
With each of these traumatic instances and their fallout, I get farther and farther away from even being able to hope. Along with this, I begin to dread relationships more and more. Now, I not only avoiding hope, I am absolutely terrified of what a relationship would be like, how he will take the news of my story, how life would continue on, if the relationship would continue on. I freeze when I think of what marriage would be like. When I contemplate how my abuse will effect our marriage, our kids, our time together. I wonder if marriage will be unbearable and if I will simply be a thorn in his side because of how I've learned to handle things and the baggage I bring to the marriage. I downright tremble with legitimate fear when I think of what our marriage bed will hold. What horrors I will be pulled back to, the pain I will cause him as my story continues to mar this type of intimacy between us. I wonder if these painful experiences (for both of us) will be things that we will be able to work through, or if I will regress horribly again and it will end up with all of us damaged beyond belief.
To say that I am in a place of dreading relationships is a great understatement to my current season in life.
I desperately want to find excitement when I think of what a relationship would be like. I want to imagine joy and friendship and other good things when I think of marriage. And I wish I could look forward to what a honeymoon and marriage bed inevitably brings.
I wish I could figure out how to love my body better, my whole body and my whole self. Don't think I haven't tried for most of my life. It starts to get better, then goes through extreme rough patches regularly. Now, I have a ridiculously tall, thick, iron-clad wall around my heart. I can feel it. I see it. It's next to tangible. Plus, my mind won't let me associate anything good with sexuality. Not with flirting (which I recently figured out with major help from my sweet counselor), not with dressing cute to where a guy might think I'm cute, and not with kissing or thinking about anything further with a husband. Apparently it's called avoidance... if you want to get technical. For me, however, there's a literal block and unimaginable fear associated with such things. How am I supposed to love my whole self if there are parts of me that I would't touch with a 1000 mile pole? And if I can't love my whole self, how is anyone else supposed to?
One thing I allowed myself to not dread this month/week/year, though, is my birthday. I told a couple of friends at work and they planned a whole little birthday surprise for me. We had sundae's and a cake (even though I wasn't supposed to eat cake because of the Feast of Unleavened Bread). They sang to me, told patients about me, and made me feel special all week. Then, my mom drove from Home Town to College Town (an hour to an hour and a half each way) to personally deliver a bouquet of flowers to my floor. She spruced up a beautiful bouquet of mixed flowers with an extra dozen roses, for a very specific 2 dozen that she was very adamant about. I couldn't figure out why I needed so many roses, until I got a moment to think about it. She got me 2 dozen roses because I turned 24 this year!!! Duh! Thing is, she drove all that way, was super creative by adding roses, and dropped them off without calling me to the front desk because she wanted to surprise me. Then, silly lady, she left before I could give her a hug! She didn't wait or anything!!! I called her as soon as I got out of my patients room and was presented with them from our unit secretary, and I thanked her profusely as tears streamed down my face. I don't believe I've ever felt so special as I did for my birthday this year. I felt so loved at work, my family and extended family all texted me, and a dear friend from work got me a card and went out to dinner with me before work. I allowed my friends and family to celebrate with me and it was a wonderful experience! I feel, still, so cherished.
What that tells me is that I'm learning to slowly start to open up. You know this, I'm sure. I'm the one that is the slow one to realize it. I'm able to share parts of my story instead of avoiding it completely. I'm beginning to find friends and find enjoyment instead of fear when I am with them. And I'm sure, someday, maybe marriage could be something that G-d could use as a source of joy and grace and perhaps even a little enjoyment. I pray G-d heals me in this area. I pray that I am not always so fearful, so terrified of relationships. I hope that someday I can be a success story for the L-rd. But, for right now, I'm in another heavy season, and it'll be awhile before we know how this story ends.
I'll keep you guys in the loop ;)
With love,
BA
Showing posts with label birthday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birthday. Show all posts
Saturday, April 7, 2018
Friday, March 23, 2018
I Thought Life Would Look Different
I turn 24 in approximately 10 days.
You guys know, I don't like birthdays. I'm not a huge fan of the extra attention, looking back on yet another year that has come and gone, nor remembering how much I had planned to do before getting to this point.
When I was younger, I had hoped to at least be married by now. But, I'm solidly single. I've been single for several years now, and no prospects of that changing any time in the near future.
I had hoped to be in Small Town; learning more, training new staff, and working up the career ladder there.
I had hoped to be accepted into graduate school and working towards furthering my education.
Naively, I had also hoped to have started having kids by now. I want to be a young mom, but I watch those years go and go and go.
I know, I'll only be 24. Someday I will look back and remember how foolish I was for wanting to pile on all of the adult responsibilities at the same time, but I'm feeling impatient. I'm thinking of the ways that a marriage would benefit me for housing, companionship, and general support in the simplicities of life.
Then again, I begin thinking of how difficult relationships are... You have to share in a marriage. Share a kitchen, a bathroom, a house, a bed, and your life with another person. This other person was raised differently than you. Sure, you may love them, but everything that they have come from is different than what you came from. Different family dynamics, different expectations, different bedtime routines, different views on life, different food/cooking preferences, and different ideas of how marriage is supposed to work.
As if that weren't enough, you have to share your day with them. Share thoughts, feelings, and emotions and try to continue to connect with them... every day.
And, if that all doesn't have your feathers ruffled, you're supposed to share your body with them as well?
I know, I know. Here's yet ANOTHER stinking post about how stupid trauma has effected my life and how I am sad about what it's done. I should be able to just get over it eventually, right? Didn't that time that I should have been over it come and go? Shouldn't I be moving on? Finding joy? Starting life over and hoping for the best?
Well, kind of. I guess I'm still mourning. I'm mourning the loss of what was stolen from me. I'm mourning for the dreams that I killed and buried all those years ago. I'm mourning the years of life stolen from me, as I have been climbing my way out of a deep, deep pit I was forced into. I'm mourning the life that cannot be, the goals that cannot be fulfilled, and the plans that I had.
G-d has different plans, better plans than I could ever imagine. He's got plans that will hopefully make a beautiful tapestry out of the tangled ends that I have come to. He's got plans that are so far beyond my comprehension, that I will never understand them.
However, I'm allowing myself to mourn this anniversary of life.
3 years ago, I came to this season with excitement, but low expectations, for my 21st birthday. I decided to celebrate my birthday that year and tell some people. I decided to allow people to make a big deal about me. 3 weeks later, my life came to a screeching halt. I had innocence forcefully torn from me. I was held down and my pleading was ignored. Unthinkable things were done to me and it put my life on pause. For 3 years, I have been stuck in survival mode. I am beginning to break free and start to live again. However, I have lost 3 years of my life, completely. Sure, I graduated, worked, and G-d brought me through. But I didn't live.
In 7 days marks the 4th anniversary of Country Boy's death by suicide. It, in itself, was highly traumatizing for me. Upon that loss, the trauma has continued to pile on. That loss started the Complex in the Complex PTSD. He was 19. Didn't even make it until he was 20. He didn't wait until he was 21. He carried a lot of grief and pain with him. It crushed him. I still remember the pain in his eyes. The hope he had that someone else understood his grief when we started talking about death on that little date at the Starbucks in Target. I made up some crap story, but deep inside, I wanted to tell him of my struggles with suicidal thoughts too. It never occurred to me that other people struggled with it too! I didn't want to bring him down on our mini date! I didn't want to burden him with more grief and worry than he already had.
You see, I shouldn't be older than 19, in my head. I "functioned" from 19 to 21, but L-rd knows I wasn't living. My life slowed down with the death of Country Boy. At the moment of my first assault with exboyfriend, my life came to a standstill. Time with exfiance was spent fighting to breath another day, and continued to stand still.
So now, I get to my 24th birthday feeling like a failure. Where has my life gone?
You guys know, I don't like birthdays. I'm not a huge fan of the extra attention, looking back on yet another year that has come and gone, nor remembering how much I had planned to do before getting to this point.
When I was younger, I had hoped to at least be married by now. But, I'm solidly single. I've been single for several years now, and no prospects of that changing any time in the near future.
I had hoped to be in Small Town; learning more, training new staff, and working up the career ladder there.
I had hoped to be accepted into graduate school and working towards furthering my education.
Naively, I had also hoped to have started having kids by now. I want to be a young mom, but I watch those years go and go and go.
I know, I'll only be 24. Someday I will look back and remember how foolish I was for wanting to pile on all of the adult responsibilities at the same time, but I'm feeling impatient. I'm thinking of the ways that a marriage would benefit me for housing, companionship, and general support in the simplicities of life.
Then again, I begin thinking of how difficult relationships are... You have to share in a marriage. Share a kitchen, a bathroom, a house, a bed, and your life with another person. This other person was raised differently than you. Sure, you may love them, but everything that they have come from is different than what you came from. Different family dynamics, different expectations, different bedtime routines, different views on life, different food/cooking preferences, and different ideas of how marriage is supposed to work.
As if that weren't enough, you have to share your day with them. Share thoughts, feelings, and emotions and try to continue to connect with them... every day.
And, if that all doesn't have your feathers ruffled, you're supposed to share your body with them as well?
I know, I know. Here's yet ANOTHER stinking post about how stupid trauma has effected my life and how I am sad about what it's done. I should be able to just get over it eventually, right? Didn't that time that I should have been over it come and go? Shouldn't I be moving on? Finding joy? Starting life over and hoping for the best?
Well, kind of. I guess I'm still mourning. I'm mourning the loss of what was stolen from me. I'm mourning for the dreams that I killed and buried all those years ago. I'm mourning the years of life stolen from me, as I have been climbing my way out of a deep, deep pit I was forced into. I'm mourning the life that cannot be, the goals that cannot be fulfilled, and the plans that I had.
G-d has different plans, better plans than I could ever imagine. He's got plans that will hopefully make a beautiful tapestry out of the tangled ends that I have come to. He's got plans that are so far beyond my comprehension, that I will never understand them.
However, I'm allowing myself to mourn this anniversary of life.
3 years ago, I came to this season with excitement, but low expectations, for my 21st birthday. I decided to celebrate my birthday that year and tell some people. I decided to allow people to make a big deal about me. 3 weeks later, my life came to a screeching halt. I had innocence forcefully torn from me. I was held down and my pleading was ignored. Unthinkable things were done to me and it put my life on pause. For 3 years, I have been stuck in survival mode. I am beginning to break free and start to live again. However, I have lost 3 years of my life, completely. Sure, I graduated, worked, and G-d brought me through. But I didn't live.
In 7 days marks the 4th anniversary of Country Boy's death by suicide. It, in itself, was highly traumatizing for me. Upon that loss, the trauma has continued to pile on. That loss started the Complex in the Complex PTSD. He was 19. Didn't even make it until he was 20. He didn't wait until he was 21. He carried a lot of grief and pain with him. It crushed him. I still remember the pain in his eyes. The hope he had that someone else understood his grief when we started talking about death on that little date at the Starbucks in Target. I made up some crap story, but deep inside, I wanted to tell him of my struggles with suicidal thoughts too. It never occurred to me that other people struggled with it too! I didn't want to bring him down on our mini date! I didn't want to burden him with more grief and worry than he already had.
You see, I shouldn't be older than 19, in my head. I "functioned" from 19 to 21, but L-rd knows I wasn't living. My life slowed down with the death of Country Boy. At the moment of my first assault with exboyfriend, my life came to a standstill. Time with exfiance was spent fighting to breath another day, and continued to stand still.
So now, I get to my 24th birthday feeling like a failure. Where has my life gone?
Monday, April 4, 2016
Another Up
I had the best day in I don't know how long today.
I got a gift card to Chick-fil-a, my favorite eating establishment, as of right now.
Took a test in peds, and I think it went well. They're all group tests because the professor was failing to many students. I got with two really smart friends and they agreed to be my buddies for our final as well!
I got out of class several hours early, so Roomie and I (we carpool) went to Chick-fil-a for lunch.
As we were waiting in line there, I got a call from an unknown number. It was my Great Aunt offering me a NICU job at her hospital!!! So, I'm moving in a couple months, once we figure out what day I start. Guys, G-d gave me a job!!! Plus, I get to move.
In my religions class on Monday afternoons, we had a Jewish rabbi from one of the loval military bases come and talk to us. He just happens to know my mom and my Rabbi so I was already excited. He was such an amazing speaker and I feel like he was the mouthpiece to G-d giving me grace and contentment with myself. For so long I've dealt with guilt around what has happened to me and I feel terrible for not loving the guys that hurt me the way I've been taught to "love everyone". He explained the Jewish perspective that you don't have to love each individual. You treat them with respect and don't intentionally harm them for no reason, but G-d is a Just G-d and He wants fairness as a baseline for life. It does not make me mean, or resentful, or someone who is trying to pay them back by reporting them. It is okay to report them. Then to forgive them for my own sake, not for theirs.
After being stoked about all of that, I went grocery shopping and there were a few cute guys there :) I'm not going for anything, but I had a little make-up on today and I feel like I was more confident than I've been in the past.
I made dinner for Roomie and I tonight and I made my first lasagna (first by myself, without my mom) tonight so we'll have dinner ready to go for tomorrow!!!
Yeah, I'm winning at adulting today.
Jersey did text me and invited me to go out with her and a couple of her friends. She wants to meet with me to "patch things up" because we were "close friends". I might be crazy, but we weren't close. She didn't share her life with me, she just wanted to ask for all of the juicy details of my life. I told her we could talk and kept my replies short. She asked if it was okay that we fix things so that we can have a great rest of our senior year. I told her we could talk, but I have no plans on patching it up. My life has been so much more drama-free without having to worry about her. I go talk to Counselor tomorrow and I think I'm going to ask to role-play.
Oh, and about my birthday...
It went really well. Poor Roomie walked into my room the night before my birthday and I was crying. She started freaking out. The next morning, I was up at 0800 with her! I was shocked myself, but she made the day great. We went shopping (caught a lot of really good sales), saw puppies, had lunch, went for a hike with her dog, then we went out dancing with just a couple of my closer friends. Amazing day! Low-key, not many people knew it was my birthday. Some of the friends I have been close with all three years didn't come, but I didn't even care because I had a select few that were able to come out and have a good time with me.
My brother's roommate called me, because they were hanging out at Brother's apartment, and I asked them to do a shot for Country Boy. To my surprise, Brother got all 5 guys to do a shot! No, probably not the best to be condoning alcohol, but it meant a lot to me that Brother is being so sweet and supportive about something he doesn't understand. However, he's sat with me as I cried at the grave, I think he's starting to see the pain I've hidden from him for so long. He knew what had happened, but I try to not harp on it too much because he didn't used to be so receptive. I think he's starting to put together the pieces and he's getting much better at supporting me. I'm also getting better at being better to him and more of what he needs from a sister.
When we finally got home, the dog had to pee. I offered to take her out since Roomie had been my DD and it was about 0200. I finished the little loop and there were a couple guys my age headed up the stairs to their apartment. One asked to pet the dog and asked what breed. I shrugged, because I couldn't place the name of the breed with my brain a little slower than normal... He laughed and we got to talking for a couple minutes. Roomie came out to check on me and it turns out they had been at the same little karaoke place we had been at! They shook our hands and introduced themselves and invited us out sometime! Now, we all know that'll probably not happen. However, it's nice to feel noticed and to feel like guys think I'm cute.
I'm trying to stay positive in this post, because I really want to highlight the joys that come in life, even if few and far-between. The reason it is so shocking to me to feel cute and confident, is because I did not ever have that to begin with. Then, when I started dating exboyfriend, it didn't take much for him to make me feel better than I ever had, so I stayed with him even after I wanted to leave because I didn't think anyone else would notice me. With exfiance, he started with flattery and tried to make me feel good at first, then as time went on he started implanting that I was not pretty, not smart, nothing that would be desired by anyone but him. With that negative message from someone I thought I loved, how is it possible to not end up believing you're worthless and undesirable?
My confidence is slowly building. I am strong, I am caring, I am worth loving. I will be a nurse someday, who will extend the love and compassion others need because I know what it is to need extreme amounts of both. I am growing, developing, moving on, and I will continue to be a soft heart in this hell of a life because others do not deserve the terrible things that have happened to me. I am beautiful, smart, funny, sweet, caring, loyal, and deserving of a life in which happiness and joy are experienced. I am worthy regardless of what has been done to me and what I have survived. I have a story that is worthy of being told and I do not have to be a doormat any longer.
This is one of my stronger days and self-affirmations begin now.
I am worthy. I am strong. I have survived and I am on my way to thriving.
I got a gift card to Chick-fil-a, my favorite eating establishment, as of right now.
Took a test in peds, and I think it went well. They're all group tests because the professor was failing to many students. I got with two really smart friends and they agreed to be my buddies for our final as well!
I got out of class several hours early, so Roomie and I (we carpool) went to Chick-fil-a for lunch.
As we were waiting in line there, I got a call from an unknown number. It was my Great Aunt offering me a NICU job at her hospital!!! So, I'm moving in a couple months, once we figure out what day I start. Guys, G-d gave me a job!!! Plus, I get to move.
In my religions class on Monday afternoons, we had a Jewish rabbi from one of the loval military bases come and talk to us. He just happens to know my mom and my Rabbi so I was already excited. He was such an amazing speaker and I feel like he was the mouthpiece to G-d giving me grace and contentment with myself. For so long I've dealt with guilt around what has happened to me and I feel terrible for not loving the guys that hurt me the way I've been taught to "love everyone". He explained the Jewish perspective that you don't have to love each individual. You treat them with respect and don't intentionally harm them for no reason, but G-d is a Just G-d and He wants fairness as a baseline for life. It does not make me mean, or resentful, or someone who is trying to pay them back by reporting them. It is okay to report them. Then to forgive them for my own sake, not for theirs.
After being stoked about all of that, I went grocery shopping and there were a few cute guys there :) I'm not going for anything, but I had a little make-up on today and I feel like I was more confident than I've been in the past.
I made dinner for Roomie and I tonight and I made my first lasagna (first by myself, without my mom) tonight so we'll have dinner ready to go for tomorrow!!!
Yeah, I'm winning at adulting today.
Jersey did text me and invited me to go out with her and a couple of her friends. She wants to meet with me to "patch things up" because we were "close friends". I might be crazy, but we weren't close. She didn't share her life with me, she just wanted to ask for all of the juicy details of my life. I told her we could talk and kept my replies short. She asked if it was okay that we fix things so that we can have a great rest of our senior year. I told her we could talk, but I have no plans on patching it up. My life has been so much more drama-free without having to worry about her. I go talk to Counselor tomorrow and I think I'm going to ask to role-play.
Oh, and about my birthday...
It went really well. Poor Roomie walked into my room the night before my birthday and I was crying. She started freaking out. The next morning, I was up at 0800 with her! I was shocked myself, but she made the day great. We went shopping (caught a lot of really good sales), saw puppies, had lunch, went for a hike with her dog, then we went out dancing with just a couple of my closer friends. Amazing day! Low-key, not many people knew it was my birthday. Some of the friends I have been close with all three years didn't come, but I didn't even care because I had a select few that were able to come out and have a good time with me.
My brother's roommate called me, because they were hanging out at Brother's apartment, and I asked them to do a shot for Country Boy. To my surprise, Brother got all 5 guys to do a shot! No, probably not the best to be condoning alcohol, but it meant a lot to me that Brother is being so sweet and supportive about something he doesn't understand. However, he's sat with me as I cried at the grave, I think he's starting to see the pain I've hidden from him for so long. He knew what had happened, but I try to not harp on it too much because he didn't used to be so receptive. I think he's starting to put together the pieces and he's getting much better at supporting me. I'm also getting better at being better to him and more of what he needs from a sister.
When we finally got home, the dog had to pee. I offered to take her out since Roomie had been my DD and it was about 0200. I finished the little loop and there were a couple guys my age headed up the stairs to their apartment. One asked to pet the dog and asked what breed. I shrugged, because I couldn't place the name of the breed with my brain a little slower than normal... He laughed and we got to talking for a couple minutes. Roomie came out to check on me and it turns out they had been at the same little karaoke place we had been at! They shook our hands and introduced themselves and invited us out sometime! Now, we all know that'll probably not happen. However, it's nice to feel noticed and to feel like guys think I'm cute.
I'm trying to stay positive in this post, because I really want to highlight the joys that come in life, even if few and far-between. The reason it is so shocking to me to feel cute and confident, is because I did not ever have that to begin with. Then, when I started dating exboyfriend, it didn't take much for him to make me feel better than I ever had, so I stayed with him even after I wanted to leave because I didn't think anyone else would notice me. With exfiance, he started with flattery and tried to make me feel good at first, then as time went on he started implanting that I was not pretty, not smart, nothing that would be desired by anyone but him. With that negative message from someone I thought I loved, how is it possible to not end up believing you're worthless and undesirable?
My confidence is slowly building. I am strong, I am caring, I am worth loving. I will be a nurse someday, who will extend the love and compassion others need because I know what it is to need extreme amounts of both. I am growing, developing, moving on, and I will continue to be a soft heart in this hell of a life because others do not deserve the terrible things that have happened to me. I am beautiful, smart, funny, sweet, caring, loyal, and deserving of a life in which happiness and joy are experienced. I am worthy regardless of what has been done to me and what I have survived. I have a story that is worthy of being told and I do not have to be a doormat any longer.
This is one of my stronger days and self-affirmations begin now.
I am worthy. I am strong. I have survived and I am on my way to thriving.
Friday, April 1, 2016
Another Damn Birthday
My birthday is tomorrow. I'll turn 22.
In the past, I have avoided people knowing my birthday because I didn't want anyone making a big deal about it. From that stemmed my own little personal game of my friends not knowing what day my birthday is and avoiding working the day before/day of/and day after my birthday. These have just been traditions I have kept for years.
Last year, I was very open about my birthday because I turned 21 and wanted people to come out and celebrate with me! In the U.S., for those of you outside, 21 is the legal drinking age. As you can imagine, this warrants a bit of celebrating.
Well, fast forward to this year and my birthday is now a day of mourning. I think about last year and how excited I was. I had lots of friends coming out to celebrate with me, I had a boyfriend who was still treating me well, I was getting through school and I had just survived Country Boy's first anniversary. His first anniversary went much better than this year's, though. I had a drink for him that night, but mostly I was just young and excited. I thought my life was turning more exciting and could only get better.
I was so terribly wrong.
Come back to the present with me, and let's mull over why my birthday is now a day of mourning...
I miss her. People say I can get her back, but those people have also never been through what I've been through. She was kind, excited about life, and always willing to help. Her, I can get back. She had also never experienced more trauma than a friend's suicide. She had memories, but not intense flashbacks. She was mourning, but it was reasonable and normal, especially for the trauma associated with surviving a friend's suicide.
Go back to the year I turned 19, and I miss her even more. No suicide. Best Friend liked me and we hung out all the time. I was in the dorms and was around friends as much as I wanted to be, all I had to do was walk down the hall. I thought it was a great victory going the entire day with nobody knowing it was my birthday, especially living in such a short proximity to my friends. Then, at about 10 p.m., while hanging out with Best Friend talking, I spilled the beans. He gave me a hug and got a little bit upset that I hadn't told him sooner. I was so excited for everything! I was about to get into nursing school, I was looking at apartments and making life plans. I was confident and excited that a guy liked me and spent so much time with me. I had just gotten away from the most toxic roommates I have ever met and I was living by myself. School was going well and the world was still a bright and shiny place ready for my stamp on it and the adventures that were sure to come my way.
Come back to the present and I don't want to see the future. I'm convinced nothing good can make me be able to heal fully from my past. I don't want to meet a guy and start dating because then I have to tell him I'm not pure and I'm not what he wants. He'd have to deal with my PTSD, my whole shitty season of every year from March until the end of July, and if we ever had kids I've got so many risk factors for being a terrible mom that it's not even worth attempting to survive pregnancy and a birth because that poor kid would have no fighting chance at a good life.
Of course, it is impossible to explain this to friends They don't understand and I pray they never understand this pain. I pray they have all the happiness in the world. Mine was stolen, but may they know nothing but happiness. May they keep the sparkle in their eyes and their love of life. I hope this for all of you as well.
For those of you that have been through trauma, I am so sorry. I am sorry for all of your losses. While losses include the deaths and the loss of people, remember that it also means the loss of your sense of identity, body integrity, and anything else that you have lost that hits you hard. Yes, it is okay to mourn the loss of who you once were if that was taken, hurt, and otherwise damaged. I am sorry for your loss, as I am sorry for mine. Though I don't know exactly how you feel, because we all perceive and feel things differently and circumstances are always a little bit different, know that I understand it is painful beyond words.
So, tomorrow is my birthday. It is a solemn occasion and a day of mourning. I survived Country Boy's 2nd anniversary and everything that could have gone wrong going wrong with that. Here's to hoping I survive tomorrow, if I must.
In the past, I have avoided people knowing my birthday because I didn't want anyone making a big deal about it. From that stemmed my own little personal game of my friends not knowing what day my birthday is and avoiding working the day before/day of/and day after my birthday. These have just been traditions I have kept for years.
Last year, I was very open about my birthday because I turned 21 and wanted people to come out and celebrate with me! In the U.S., for those of you outside, 21 is the legal drinking age. As you can imagine, this warrants a bit of celebrating.
Well, fast forward to this year and my birthday is now a day of mourning. I think about last year and how excited I was. I had lots of friends coming out to celebrate with me, I had a boyfriend who was still treating me well, I was getting through school and I had just survived Country Boy's first anniversary. His first anniversary went much better than this year's, though. I had a drink for him that night, but mostly I was just young and excited. I thought my life was turning more exciting and could only get better.
I was so terribly wrong.
Come back to the present with me, and let's mull over why my birthday is now a day of mourning...
- My body has been assaulted in the most intimate ways, by two separate asshole guys, more times than I can count.
- Country Boy is still gone and his death anniversary is right before my birthday so I am still recovering from that grief again.
- My friends are all busy so I could stay in bed, but the couple of friends that are not busy and that know my birthday is tomorrow are not letting me stay in my bed.
- I'll never be the girl I was a year ago. For that, I mourn the most.
I miss her. People say I can get her back, but those people have also never been through what I've been through. She was kind, excited about life, and always willing to help. Her, I can get back. She had also never experienced more trauma than a friend's suicide. She had memories, but not intense flashbacks. She was mourning, but it was reasonable and normal, especially for the trauma associated with surviving a friend's suicide.
Go back to the year I turned 19, and I miss her even more. No suicide. Best Friend liked me and we hung out all the time. I was in the dorms and was around friends as much as I wanted to be, all I had to do was walk down the hall. I thought it was a great victory going the entire day with nobody knowing it was my birthday, especially living in such a short proximity to my friends. Then, at about 10 p.m., while hanging out with Best Friend talking, I spilled the beans. He gave me a hug and got a little bit upset that I hadn't told him sooner. I was so excited for everything! I was about to get into nursing school, I was looking at apartments and making life plans. I was confident and excited that a guy liked me and spent so much time with me. I had just gotten away from the most toxic roommates I have ever met and I was living by myself. School was going well and the world was still a bright and shiny place ready for my stamp on it and the adventures that were sure to come my way.
Come back to the present and I don't want to see the future. I'm convinced nothing good can make me be able to heal fully from my past. I don't want to meet a guy and start dating because then I have to tell him I'm not pure and I'm not what he wants. He'd have to deal with my PTSD, my whole shitty season of every year from March until the end of July, and if we ever had kids I've got so many risk factors for being a terrible mom that it's not even worth attempting to survive pregnancy and a birth because that poor kid would have no fighting chance at a good life.
Of course, it is impossible to explain this to friends They don't understand and I pray they never understand this pain. I pray they have all the happiness in the world. Mine was stolen, but may they know nothing but happiness. May they keep the sparkle in their eyes and their love of life. I hope this for all of you as well.
For those of you that have been through trauma, I am so sorry. I am sorry for all of your losses. While losses include the deaths and the loss of people, remember that it also means the loss of your sense of identity, body integrity, and anything else that you have lost that hits you hard. Yes, it is okay to mourn the loss of who you once were if that was taken, hurt, and otherwise damaged. I am sorry for your loss, as I am sorry for mine. Though I don't know exactly how you feel, because we all perceive and feel things differently and circumstances are always a little bit different, know that I understand it is painful beyond words.
So, tomorrow is my birthday. It is a solemn occasion and a day of mourning. I survived Country Boy's 2nd anniversary and everything that could have gone wrong going wrong with that. Here's to hoping I survive tomorrow, if I must.
Monday, April 6, 2015
21st Birthday Win!
Clinicals went amazingly (Thursday). My nurse was absolutely fantastic, I had the CNA that took advantage of me a couple weeks ago and she did most of the ADL's and CNA type activities for my patients freeing me up for nursing stuff like discharges and dressing changes. Yay! My boss is on my floor, so I have a slight overlap of school and work happening right now, but she bought me a cookie and came to hang out with me for a little bit during my rotation time. Between her and my clinical instructor, I'm certain most of the staff at the hospital knew it was my birthday and my whole day was so easy.
My clinical instructor only knew because Beauty announced it to both of our clinicals groups because our two groups are kind of one large group with two instructors. So my instructor was asking what my plans were and I told her. Next day she was so shocked I didn't look like I had been drinking! I only had four shots though.
So birthday dinner was fun. I got Boyfriend, Big Red, Beauty, Roommate, Brother and his Roommate (which Boyfriend didn't care for and got really jealous about until he saw how we interact with each other so I settled his mind with going over to Brother's house which was a big deal for us because I don't handle jealousy well). Anywho, Big Red made the staff sing to me... Not cool! But it was kinda funny. Then Roommate suggested we go to a bar where Brother and his roommate could get into (because they are both underage still) and I'm really glad they got to come. Brother got to watch my first legal shot and he also got to see me dance with Boyfriend and how happy I was.
Friday night we finally got to go out! There was a deal at the bar where you could buy a Solo Cup for $10 and drink from 9-midnight as much as you wanted so I had a few drinks that way and then my friends bought me a few shots. I had maybe 4 mix drinks and 3 shots, didn't get white girl wasted, I remember everything that happened that night, and I didn't wake up with a hang over! Yay!!! I win turning 21!
Turns out I dance a lot when I've been drinking. I did the wobble... twice... which I swore I would never do because it's just a lot of shaking your butt. I danced with Boyfriend, his two buddies, and a bunch of my girlfriends, just because I could! I also felt really special because about 15-20 people show up, just for me! How sweet is that? So I had a complete blast.
Saturday I got to bring the wine for my family's Passover Seder and Sunday I brought Boyfriend up to go to my old congregation's (still mom's) huge seder so he could learn about it. I finally got to have wine and he even said he understood a lot more now that he's gone through it. He even said it wasn't bad, which is big because he doesn't like having loads of people around or meeting tons of people. He was subjected to both because it turns out I have tons of people that loved me at shul (congregation)!
They all put Boyfriend through the ringer too. I don't know why but I love people telling him that he better treat me well or they're gonna have a problem. It's mean, but I also feel really comfortable because every social group I have has so many people watching out for me and willing to protect me at a moment's notice.
Guys, I even went to Boyfriend's family's Easter celebration. Turns out they kinda like me too... The kids booked it to my car when I arrived and they wanted to play all day. Oh man, I miss kids.
So, Happy Passover y'all! Chag Semeach!
My clinical instructor only knew because Beauty announced it to both of our clinicals groups because our two groups are kind of one large group with two instructors. So my instructor was asking what my plans were and I told her. Next day she was so shocked I didn't look like I had been drinking! I only had four shots though.
So birthday dinner was fun. I got Boyfriend, Big Red, Beauty, Roommate, Brother and his Roommate (which Boyfriend didn't care for and got really jealous about until he saw how we interact with each other so I settled his mind with going over to Brother's house which was a big deal for us because I don't handle jealousy well). Anywho, Big Red made the staff sing to me... Not cool! But it was kinda funny. Then Roommate suggested we go to a bar where Brother and his roommate could get into (because they are both underage still) and I'm really glad they got to come. Brother got to watch my first legal shot and he also got to see me dance with Boyfriend and how happy I was.
Friday night we finally got to go out! There was a deal at the bar where you could buy a Solo Cup for $10 and drink from 9-midnight as much as you wanted so I had a few drinks that way and then my friends bought me a few shots. I had maybe 4 mix drinks and 3 shots, didn't get white girl wasted, I remember everything that happened that night, and I didn't wake up with a hang over! Yay!!! I win turning 21!
Turns out I dance a lot when I've been drinking. I did the wobble... twice... which I swore I would never do because it's just a lot of shaking your butt. I danced with Boyfriend, his two buddies, and a bunch of my girlfriends, just because I could! I also felt really special because about 15-20 people show up, just for me! How sweet is that? So I had a complete blast.
Saturday I got to bring the wine for my family's Passover Seder and Sunday I brought Boyfriend up to go to my old congregation's (still mom's) huge seder so he could learn about it. I finally got to have wine and he even said he understood a lot more now that he's gone through it. He even said it wasn't bad, which is big because he doesn't like having loads of people around or meeting tons of people. He was subjected to both because it turns out I have tons of people that loved me at shul (congregation)!
They all put Boyfriend through the ringer too. I don't know why but I love people telling him that he better treat me well or they're gonna have a problem. It's mean, but I also feel really comfortable because every social group I have has so many people watching out for me and willing to protect me at a moment's notice.
Guys, I even went to Boyfriend's family's Easter celebration. Turns out they kinda like me too... The kids booked it to my car when I arrived and they wanted to play all day. Oh man, I miss kids.
So, Happy Passover y'all! Chag Semeach!
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
It's that time of year again
Do y'all know what I'm talking about? Tomorrows my birthday. In fact, it's my 21st birthday. Which, in the United States, means I will be legal to drink!
21 seems silly. When my parents were growing up, they could go to the bar at 18. They were in high school! Plus, it's not like alcohol isn't available before then...
Anywho, I have clinicals tomorrow (Thursday) and Friday so my friends and I are making work arounds and making my birthDAY more of a birthWEEK/birthMONTH because Passover also starts on Friday. That means I am going to have a frickin' crazy weekend. Let me just paint you a picture, shall I?
Wednesday: Stay up and go out at midnight? We'll see because I still have to go write careplans and get a little sleep before clinicals and I worked last night.
Thursday: Clinicals, more careplans, go help Boyfriend feed cows (yay!), and then birthday dinner with darn near everyone of my friends, my boyfriend, and possibly my brother/his friends. Good heavens!
Friday: Clinicals, shower/nap?, then go out to a local country bar with everyone I can talk into coming with us.
Saturday: Sleep in... a little, go to Parent's house with Brother for family Seder for Passover and come back home. That's a solid hour/hour and a half both ways. Oh but I love Passover and this year, I get to bring the wine!!!
Sunday: Easter brunch with Boyfriend and his huge family. A couple hours rest, then he and I are going back up to Parent's city to go to mom's congregation's seder with hundreds of people so that Boyfriend can see my culture.
That's a 4-5 day set of crazy and no rest before school starts again crazy on Monday. Oh, and I got a billion assignments assigned yesterday. So, I'm back on my meds...
Breathe BedpanAlley, just breathe.
Have I mentioned I hate birthdays? Oh, it's a passion of mine. This birthday will make it easier to go out with friends but I just don't like getting older and not feeling like I've accomplished anything in the last year of my life besides minor survival, and not good survival at that. It's more of a barely made it through to this anniversary of the evacuation of my mother's uterus instead of thriving like I should be in my 20's, especially the first year of my 20's.
I'm working on being positive. Well, some days I am. Today is not one of those days.
Meanwhile, I survived March and Country Boy's suicide anniversary and the following day with minimal tears. April 11 would have been his 21st birthday. I'm not looking forward to that day. It's on a Saturday and I'm almost certain I may be drinking alone that night or trying to go out to get my mind off of it. We'll see.
I better get going to write my careplans so I can get this "weekend" started! Goodbye for now dear readers.
21 seems silly. When my parents were growing up, they could go to the bar at 18. They were in high school! Plus, it's not like alcohol isn't available before then...
Anywho, I have clinicals tomorrow (Thursday) and Friday so my friends and I are making work arounds and making my birthDAY more of a birthWEEK/birthMONTH because Passover also starts on Friday. That means I am going to have a frickin' crazy weekend. Let me just paint you a picture, shall I?
Wednesday: Stay up and go out at midnight? We'll see because I still have to go write careplans and get a little sleep before clinicals and I worked last night.
Thursday: Clinicals, more careplans, go help Boyfriend feed cows (yay!), and then birthday dinner with darn near everyone of my friends, my boyfriend, and possibly my brother/his friends. Good heavens!
Friday: Clinicals, shower/nap?, then go out to a local country bar with everyone I can talk into coming with us.
Saturday: Sleep in... a little, go to Parent's house with Brother for family Seder for Passover and come back home. That's a solid hour/hour and a half both ways. Oh but I love Passover and this year, I get to bring the wine!!!
Sunday: Easter brunch with Boyfriend and his huge family. A couple hours rest, then he and I are going back up to Parent's city to go to mom's congregation's seder with hundreds of people so that Boyfriend can see my culture.
That's a 4-5 day set of crazy and no rest before school starts again crazy on Monday. Oh, and I got a billion assignments assigned yesterday. So, I'm back on my meds...
Breathe BedpanAlley, just breathe.
Have I mentioned I hate birthdays? Oh, it's a passion of mine. This birthday will make it easier to go out with friends but I just don't like getting older and not feeling like I've accomplished anything in the last year of my life besides minor survival, and not good survival at that. It's more of a barely made it through to this anniversary of the evacuation of my mother's uterus instead of thriving like I should be in my 20's, especially the first year of my 20's.
I'm working on being positive. Well, some days I am. Today is not one of those days.
Meanwhile, I survived March and Country Boy's suicide anniversary and the following day with minimal tears. April 11 would have been his 21st birthday. I'm not looking forward to that day. It's on a Saturday and I'm almost certain I may be drinking alone that night or trying to go out to get my mind off of it. We'll see.
I better get going to write my careplans so I can get this "weekend" started! Goodbye for now dear readers.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Chronicles of a Terribly Awkward Girl
Does anyone else suffer from foot-in-mouth disease? It's a chronic condition that I have developed and I have many, many acute exacerbations. If only there was a treatment for it... medication... a padded room... a handler... complete solitude... SOMETHING!
Let's just start with today's incident.
At 0700 I arrive at my nursing school in order to finish my 10 page paper and print off a few articles before class at 0830. The way that my university is set up, the nursing school is set way at the edge of campus, away from the rest of the normal class buildings. Why? I don't know. We should be close to the cute mechanical engineering guys. That's a story for another day though.
My paper got turned in and class went fine. After class, I get a short break for lunch and then I go to my IT job. Upon walking into my IT job desk, I start up a conversation with the gentleman that worked the shift before mine. I mentioned that there is a student IT down in the nursing school computer lab that was not there before. A few more things are said and just as my IT boss (the real boss) walked in I ask, "how can I get that job." A chuckle behind me that can only come from him brings on an extreme heat in my face and I'm sure I turned bright red. He explained that they aren't really IT advisers. Instead, they are employed by the nursing school department. He mentioned that the job is probably easier and the student adviser down there doesn't stay there for the whole time that the computer lab is open, yada, yada, yada. After his whole explanation (said all while slightly giggling to himself) of the job, he just looked at me with a smile on his face. More heat and more red on me. Stupid blood vessel dilation in response to embarrassment. They say blushing is supposed to be an endearing trait because it suggests that the person is honest and innocent.
Let's just talk about this for a second. I am in no mood to be messed with, belittled, or otherwise made uncomfortable. There is very little that I can handle in addition to the other tragedies that have occured in the two weeks since I've turned 20. I told y'all bad things happen on birthdays. Unfortunately, my birthdays have gone from specialty of the day being forgotten about when I was in elementary school, to being called into the principal's office (middle school), and now to a friend committing suicide (college). There were other scarring events mixed throughout, but these gems are the special few examples I can share today.
Yes, this whole foot-in-mouth awkwardness was brought on by me. One precipitating factor of this condition is having a big, fat pie-hole. It is ever present and always in overdrive for me. This is so beyond frustrating. No matter how many conversations I have with my IT boss, or how much I try to avoid talking, I always end up saying stupid things around him. Sometimes it is because I don't know what I am doing because I had no training for this job. Occasionally it is because words escape me on most days and so I cannot describe what I need to have happen with the computer or whatever is happening at that particular point. On most other occasions, it is just because I say stupid things at an above average rate for someone of my age, stature, and developmental stage.
So, for now, I have to figure out a way to get out of my head and keep my sanity for the next few weeks until school is done. Maybe then I can focus on grieving for my dead friend and perhaps get some much needed rest. I haven't had a full-on summer break without any schooling for about 1.75 years and I am extremely overdue.
Does anyone else feel any little bit of my pain? No, just me? That's cool. If y'all find a nice little rock for me to climb under, give me the coordinates because I am so over this season of my life. IT'S ONLY BEEN 2 STINKIN' WEEKS SINCE I TURNED 20!!!
Let's just start with today's incident.
At 0700 I arrive at my nursing school in order to finish my 10 page paper and print off a few articles before class at 0830. The way that my university is set up, the nursing school is set way at the edge of campus, away from the rest of the normal class buildings. Why? I don't know. We should be close to the cute mechanical engineering guys. That's a story for another day though.
My paper got turned in and class went fine. After class, I get a short break for lunch and then I go to my IT job. Upon walking into my IT job desk, I start up a conversation with the gentleman that worked the shift before mine. I mentioned that there is a student IT down in the nursing school computer lab that was not there before. A few more things are said and just as my IT boss (the real boss) walked in I ask, "how can I get that job." A chuckle behind me that can only come from him brings on an extreme heat in my face and I'm sure I turned bright red. He explained that they aren't really IT advisers. Instead, they are employed by the nursing school department. He mentioned that the job is probably easier and the student adviser down there doesn't stay there for the whole time that the computer lab is open, yada, yada, yada. After his whole explanation (said all while slightly giggling to himself) of the job, he just looked at me with a smile on his face. More heat and more red on me. Stupid blood vessel dilation in response to embarrassment. They say blushing is supposed to be an endearing trait because it suggests that the person is honest and innocent.
Let's just talk about this for a second. I am in no mood to be messed with, belittled, or otherwise made uncomfortable. There is very little that I can handle in addition to the other tragedies that have occured in the two weeks since I've turned 20. I told y'all bad things happen on birthdays. Unfortunately, my birthdays have gone from specialty of the day being forgotten about when I was in elementary school, to being called into the principal's office (middle school), and now to a friend committing suicide (college). There were other scarring events mixed throughout, but these gems are the special few examples I can share today.
Yes, this whole foot-in-mouth awkwardness was brought on by me. One precipitating factor of this condition is having a big, fat pie-hole. It is ever present and always in overdrive for me. This is so beyond frustrating. No matter how many conversations I have with my IT boss, or how much I try to avoid talking, I always end up saying stupid things around him. Sometimes it is because I don't know what I am doing because I had no training for this job. Occasionally it is because words escape me on most days and so I cannot describe what I need to have happen with the computer or whatever is happening at that particular point. On most other occasions, it is just because I say stupid things at an above average rate for someone of my age, stature, and developmental stage.
So, for now, I have to figure out a way to get out of my head and keep my sanity for the next few weeks until school is done. Maybe then I can focus on grieving for my dead friend and perhaps get some much needed rest. I haven't had a full-on summer break without any schooling for about 1.75 years and I am extremely overdue.
Does anyone else feel any little bit of my pain? No, just me? That's cool. If y'all find a nice little rock for me to climb under, give me the coordinates because I am so over this season of my life. IT'S ONLY BEEN 2 STINKIN' WEEKS SINCE I TURNED 20!!!
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
The Passing of a Friend
Do y'all remember Country Boy? He comes up quite frequently in my posts because he confuses me. He gets me all sorts of excited for his attention but bugs me at the same time because I crave his attention.
Well, turns out he passed away about two weeks ago.
I'm in shock.
I don't know what to do. This is the first time I can remember a friend dying. I keep going through anger, sadness, questioning, doubt that this really happened, then I'm jolted back to believing that this is reality and not some movie that I can stop and rewind. I feel a lot of guilt. Guilt because I could have texted him. I've been thinking about him for about a month now which usually means that he is about to text me. I fought with the idea of texting him first, but I decided it was a bad idea. Then I start playing the what-if game. What if I had texted him way back a couple of weeks ago when I had wanted to to see how he was? What if I had actually gone to hang out with him the couple of times he invited me somewhere, especially the last time that was about 2-4 weeks ago? What if I had been sending him snap chats when I learned that he had added me on it? What if I had not just said "no thanks" the last time he asked me out and instead said "I'm sorry but I just got a boyfriend and he's a little jealous" or "I think I'm just going to stay in this weekend, but maybe we could go shooting some time"? What if, what if, what if...
He was supposed to turn 20 this Friday. I had been waiting to text him until his birthday. It was taking all I could muster to wait until then.
I suspected he had depression. I figured that's why he had a tendency to talk to a lot of girls and why he seemed to always have a girlfriend. See, his dad died last year a little after Valentine's Day. He really loved his dad and the father's death happened really unexpectedly due to a heart attack or something. It was a traumatic way to see his dad die because by the time the ambulance arrived at their house, nothing could be done. He talked about how his best friend and his sister were dating and then broke up. When that happened he lost his best friend (they used to see each other every day) and he said he didn't have any other real friends. He had gotten into a car wreck a few months back and had some really bad pain from that. He told me about how he had gotten into marijuana back in high school and how he had gotten into trouble for doing other stuff and all of this lead him to getting kicked out of high school. He then went to a high school program for troubled teens that allowed them to finish their high school career while also doing college work. He ended up graduating high school and getting an Associate's degree at the same time. He had recently started a new job that he liked significantly more than his previous one at a retail store and he was going back to school to get more certifications and maybe even a degree in mechanical engineering. He turned his life around and he seemed to be doing great.
After he told me a little about his past, I told him I thought it was great that he was so young and yet had gotten so much done. He brushed it off out of either humility or disbelief that he was actually being genuinely complimented on his accomplishments. I have a feeling it was the latter.
He had offered to take me hunting this fall. I had gotten really excited and almost went right out and bought head-to-toe camo. He had said I was gorgeous. He wanted to hang out with me and had asked me out but agreed to be just friends for awhile. We talked about needles and sterile fields and he ribbed me about how I thought learning sterile field was cool in college but he had learned it in high school. We almost took an EMT class together because we both thought it would be amazing to be EMT's. He told me he thought I was smart and funny and, did I mention, gorgeous? That was after he met me for the first time and I was a wreck because I had just gotten off of work and he was helping us get back into my friend's house after the whole evacuation ordeal.
I've been informed that his death was likely self-inflicted.
I could have helped. I could have texted or talked to him on Facebook or Snap Chatted him. He could have texted me! I would have driven right to him and talked him through his troubles. He could have called! I would have prayed with him and talked him through the struggles. He could have reached out. I could have shared my story of near suicides and my season of severe depression. I could have let him know that there is help and people can listen to him so that he doesn't have to bear the weight of life alone.
How do I process this? How do I not go over the past month repeatedly until it is fixed and he is back with us and this is all just a bad dream that I will wake up from? How do I keep myself from being eaten alive by the guilt and the what-if's? How do I handle the first death of a friend? Not just any death, but a suicide? How do I not blame myself for not talking to him when I thought of him? What am I supposed to do?
Well, turns out he passed away about two weeks ago.
I'm in shock.
I don't know what to do. This is the first time I can remember a friend dying. I keep going through anger, sadness, questioning, doubt that this really happened, then I'm jolted back to believing that this is reality and not some movie that I can stop and rewind. I feel a lot of guilt. Guilt because I could have texted him. I've been thinking about him for about a month now which usually means that he is about to text me. I fought with the idea of texting him first, but I decided it was a bad idea. Then I start playing the what-if game. What if I had texted him way back a couple of weeks ago when I had wanted to to see how he was? What if I had actually gone to hang out with him the couple of times he invited me somewhere, especially the last time that was about 2-4 weeks ago? What if I had been sending him snap chats when I learned that he had added me on it? What if I had not just said "no thanks" the last time he asked me out and instead said "I'm sorry but I just got a boyfriend and he's a little jealous" or "I think I'm just going to stay in this weekend, but maybe we could go shooting some time"? What if, what if, what if...
He was supposed to turn 20 this Friday. I had been waiting to text him until his birthday. It was taking all I could muster to wait until then.
I suspected he had depression. I figured that's why he had a tendency to talk to a lot of girls and why he seemed to always have a girlfriend. See, his dad died last year a little after Valentine's Day. He really loved his dad and the father's death happened really unexpectedly due to a heart attack or something. It was a traumatic way to see his dad die because by the time the ambulance arrived at their house, nothing could be done. He talked about how his best friend and his sister were dating and then broke up. When that happened he lost his best friend (they used to see each other every day) and he said he didn't have any other real friends. He had gotten into a car wreck a few months back and had some really bad pain from that. He told me about how he had gotten into marijuana back in high school and how he had gotten into trouble for doing other stuff and all of this lead him to getting kicked out of high school. He then went to a high school program for troubled teens that allowed them to finish their high school career while also doing college work. He ended up graduating high school and getting an Associate's degree at the same time. He had recently started a new job that he liked significantly more than his previous one at a retail store and he was going back to school to get more certifications and maybe even a degree in mechanical engineering. He turned his life around and he seemed to be doing great.
After he told me a little about his past, I told him I thought it was great that he was so young and yet had gotten so much done. He brushed it off out of either humility or disbelief that he was actually being genuinely complimented on his accomplishments. I have a feeling it was the latter.
He had offered to take me hunting this fall. I had gotten really excited and almost went right out and bought head-to-toe camo. He had said I was gorgeous. He wanted to hang out with me and had asked me out but agreed to be just friends for awhile. We talked about needles and sterile fields and he ribbed me about how I thought learning sterile field was cool in college but he had learned it in high school. We almost took an EMT class together because we both thought it would be amazing to be EMT's. He told me he thought I was smart and funny and, did I mention, gorgeous? That was after he met me for the first time and I was a wreck because I had just gotten off of work and he was helping us get back into my friend's house after the whole evacuation ordeal.
I've been informed that his death was likely self-inflicted.
I could have helped. I could have texted or talked to him on Facebook or Snap Chatted him. He could have texted me! I would have driven right to him and talked him through his troubles. He could have called! I would have prayed with him and talked him through the struggles. He could have reached out. I could have shared my story of near suicides and my season of severe depression. I could have let him know that there is help and people can listen to him so that he doesn't have to bear the weight of life alone.
How do I process this? How do I not go over the past month repeatedly until it is fixed and he is back with us and this is all just a bad dream that I will wake up from? How do I keep myself from being eaten alive by the guilt and the what-if's? How do I handle the first death of a friend? Not just any death, but a suicide? How do I not blame myself for not talking to him when I thought of him? What am I supposed to do?
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Even I Forgot!
I'm 20 today. It's that odd year in between legally being able to drown your troubles in ETOH (alcohol) and your teenage years. This is going to be a struggle.
During clinicals today, I kept forgetting that it was my birthday until a family member would text me here, or I would get a Facebook message there. I was successful in keeping it a secret from all but my family and Best Friend. Yes, even he texted me Happy Birthday. How sweet is that?! G-d sure blessed me with an amazing ex even though I don't think I deserve someone being so kind as he is after I agreed to and then took back my proposal to "try this" (aka, begin going out.)
Maybe I forgot because I was up until 0200 finishing my care plan for today. Perhaps I forgot because I then woke up at 0430 to prepare for clinicals. Then I was rushed all day. I didn't remember again until one of my patients told me it was his birthday today too. He reminded me of my dad... I have got to stop relating my pt's to my family and friends because it makes the care so much harder. I love my dad. In fact, I'm a daddy's girl. However, the last pt I had that reminded me of him passed away unexpectedly. My heart broke and I grew a scar. Then the two ladies that reminded me of my Mema passed unexpectedly and that probably could have been avoided. Again, my heart ripped right in two, and then crumbled into a million little pieces. I picked up what I could, slapped it together with some glue and now my heart is more of a sagging, scarred, mangled mess of flesh more than anything else. I can't even find it some days because I give it to G-d, then foolishly take it back and proceed to lose it. He finds it and I make the same mistakes to repeat the vicious cycle again.
Today was so busy I just don't even know where to start. I got to D/C (discontinue) a foley! That was super exciting because I have only inserted/taken catheters out of manikins and they don't behave like real people and I feel so silly talking to them because I know they are a doll and they cannot respond. I despise make-believe games because I don't understand them and I can hardly think for myself let alone having to create whole other people/situations/conversations/etc for another person or people.
Also, in lab it took about 10 minutes to D/C a catheter. Well, not really, but it seemed like it would take a long time when going through the whole process. I did it in about a minute and I'm sure the nurse could have done it in about 4 seconds. You just deflate the balloon and pull out the tubing while coiling it around your hands so that it doesn't whip out and share the special surprises that are inevitably waiting at the end with everyone present.
I also got to give meds for the first time. That was actually more nerve wracking that the foley thing because they stress the importance of the 6 rights, double and triple checking your meds, and the dangers of getting into too much of a pattern. In lab, that skill took us about 30 minutes to pull approximately 15 meds from one med cart at the bedside, check them the 84720583 times that you have to check them, put them in a cup, and assist your patient with the administration of the meds. In real life, it took me maybe 5 minutes total to pull 8 meds from the med room down the hall from the pt, verify them, and assist the pt with taking them. I felt like I was doing it wrong all day. Thank the L-rd I got to give meds 3 separate times so I got lots of practice. But dang! All day I felt like I was doing everything wrong from passing meds, to helping the pt, to my assessment, to walking down the hall. At one point I questioned my heart's ability to pump simply because it is inside of me, the screw-up.
I survived. It was nuts. Even still, I am more comfortable learning how to be a nurse than I have ever been anywhere where I knew what I was doing. This profession makes me make sense. I'm super cheesy today. You're welcome.
During clinicals today, I kept forgetting that it was my birthday until a family member would text me here, or I would get a Facebook message there. I was successful in keeping it a secret from all but my family and Best Friend. Yes, even he texted me Happy Birthday. How sweet is that?! G-d sure blessed me with an amazing ex even though I don't think I deserve someone being so kind as he is after I agreed to and then took back my proposal to "try this" (aka, begin going out.)
Maybe I forgot because I was up until 0200 finishing my care plan for today. Perhaps I forgot because I then woke up at 0430 to prepare for clinicals. Then I was rushed all day. I didn't remember again until one of my patients told me it was his birthday today too. He reminded me of my dad... I have got to stop relating my pt's to my family and friends because it makes the care so much harder. I love my dad. In fact, I'm a daddy's girl. However, the last pt I had that reminded me of him passed away unexpectedly. My heart broke and I grew a scar. Then the two ladies that reminded me of my Mema passed unexpectedly and that probably could have been avoided. Again, my heart ripped right in two, and then crumbled into a million little pieces. I picked up what I could, slapped it together with some glue and now my heart is more of a sagging, scarred, mangled mess of flesh more than anything else. I can't even find it some days because I give it to G-d, then foolishly take it back and proceed to lose it. He finds it and I make the same mistakes to repeat the vicious cycle again.
Today was so busy I just don't even know where to start. I got to D/C (discontinue) a foley! That was super exciting because I have only inserted/taken catheters out of manikins and they don't behave like real people and I feel so silly talking to them because I know they are a doll and they cannot respond. I despise make-believe games because I don't understand them and I can hardly think for myself let alone having to create whole other people/situations/conversations/etc for another person or people.
Also, in lab it took about 10 minutes to D/C a catheter. Well, not really, but it seemed like it would take a long time when going through the whole process. I did it in about a minute and I'm sure the nurse could have done it in about 4 seconds. You just deflate the balloon and pull out the tubing while coiling it around your hands so that it doesn't whip out and share the special surprises that are inevitably waiting at the end with everyone present.
I also got to give meds for the first time. That was actually more nerve wracking that the foley thing because they stress the importance of the 6 rights, double and triple checking your meds, and the dangers of getting into too much of a pattern. In lab, that skill took us about 30 minutes to pull approximately 15 meds from one med cart at the bedside, check them the 84720583 times that you have to check them, put them in a cup, and assist your patient with the administration of the meds. In real life, it took me maybe 5 minutes total to pull 8 meds from the med room down the hall from the pt, verify them, and assist the pt with taking them. I felt like I was doing it wrong all day. Thank the L-rd I got to give meds 3 separate times so I got lots of practice. But dang! All day I felt like I was doing everything wrong from passing meds, to helping the pt, to my assessment, to walking down the hall. At one point I questioned my heart's ability to pump simply because it is inside of me, the screw-up.
I survived. It was nuts. Even still, I am more comfortable learning how to be a nurse than I have ever been anywhere where I knew what I was doing. This profession makes me make sense. I'm super cheesy today. You're welcome.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Baby Fever?
After recently breaking up with my best friend turned boyfriend, I went home for a few days. That was not because of the break-up, but because I was actually technically on spring break but had to work a ridiculous amount.
My 3 days of spring break end today and they were nice but not enough. I got to hang out with my dog and my family threw me an early, mini birthday celebration. I turn 20 this year and I am not particularly pleased about that. I don't quite understand why I don't want to turn 20. Is it that I may miss being a teen? Perhaps I think I haven't done enough with my "pre-adult" life? There are a plethora of other reasons as to why I dread every birthday, but this one in particular is already proving to be rough and it hasn't even occurred yet. Needless to say, I HATE birthdays and wish I could travel to some place with a beach, a younger drinking age, and somewhere where nobody knows me. Instead, I get to go to clinicals after taking a nap due to the time it takes to write those dreadful care plans. It's bound to be a fantastic freaking day.
Well, I've gotten slightly off track with this post... when does that not happen?
This post was supposed to be about the dream I had last night. Now, please keep judging to a minimum. Actually, you can do what you please because I can't control you and shouldn't try to tell you what to do. :)
Last night, I dreamed that I had a baby. My dream skipped the whole pregnancy and started with me being handed a baby. I was instructed to begin nursing it and I realized I had no idea what I was doing. My mom told me to feed it at 1 and 4. Why only twice? I have no clue. None of this dream made sense. Then I was asked if he looked like the dad or like me. I replied that I didn't know who the dad was because I am not in a relationship and I'm not married. Two guys came to mind though. Country Boy and Best Friend (that I just broke things off with in real life.) I also decided to name the sweet little guy. I couldn't decide a first name, but I wanted his middle name to be Peniel (pronounced PEN-yell) and it means "Face or vision of G-d, that G-d sees." Then I started trying to think of Biblical names or a place to find a good name in the Bible (this was all in my dream.) It went on for a bit longer. It was mainly me feeding him and trying to get my dad to hold him even though he kept refusing.
I don't understand this at all. Why am I having dreams about having babies? I have a lot of these dreams. Do I look more into this whole thing or just ignore them as simply being random pieces of my unconscious that leak into my sleeping state that I may/may not remember in the morning? Seriously, what is this!?!
On a similar note, I have been craving interaction with Country Boy. Folks, I need someone to come and slap me out of this nonsense. I break up with one guy because I can see that our values are not matching and because I am not ready to be tied to another human being. I then turn around and start praying for what I think I want in a husband. I tell G-d that I'm not ready but at the same time I desperately want to find who He wants for me, if there is such a person. Why am I so fickle and continue to flip-flop like this? I say that people drive me nuts, but I make myself more crazy than anyone else ever could. If only I could get away from myself and just reset all of this junk that gets started in my head!
My 3 days of spring break end today and they were nice but not enough. I got to hang out with my dog and my family threw me an early, mini birthday celebration. I turn 20 this year and I am not particularly pleased about that. I don't quite understand why I don't want to turn 20. Is it that I may miss being a teen? Perhaps I think I haven't done enough with my "pre-adult" life? There are a plethora of other reasons as to why I dread every birthday, but this one in particular is already proving to be rough and it hasn't even occurred yet. Needless to say, I HATE birthdays and wish I could travel to some place with a beach, a younger drinking age, and somewhere where nobody knows me. Instead, I get to go to clinicals after taking a nap due to the time it takes to write those dreadful care plans. It's bound to be a fantastic freaking day.
Well, I've gotten slightly off track with this post... when does that not happen?
This post was supposed to be about the dream I had last night. Now, please keep judging to a minimum. Actually, you can do what you please because I can't control you and shouldn't try to tell you what to do. :)
Last night, I dreamed that I had a baby. My dream skipped the whole pregnancy and started with me being handed a baby. I was instructed to begin nursing it and I realized I had no idea what I was doing. My mom told me to feed it at 1 and 4. Why only twice? I have no clue. None of this dream made sense. Then I was asked if he looked like the dad or like me. I replied that I didn't know who the dad was because I am not in a relationship and I'm not married. Two guys came to mind though. Country Boy and Best Friend (that I just broke things off with in real life.) I also decided to name the sweet little guy. I couldn't decide a first name, but I wanted his middle name to be Peniel (pronounced PEN-yell) and it means "Face or vision of G-d, that G-d sees." Then I started trying to think of Biblical names or a place to find a good name in the Bible (this was all in my dream.) It went on for a bit longer. It was mainly me feeding him and trying to get my dad to hold him even though he kept refusing.
I don't understand this at all. Why am I having dreams about having babies? I have a lot of these dreams. Do I look more into this whole thing or just ignore them as simply being random pieces of my unconscious that leak into my sleeping state that I may/may not remember in the morning? Seriously, what is this!?!
On a similar note, I have been craving interaction with Country Boy. Folks, I need someone to come and slap me out of this nonsense. I break up with one guy because I can see that our values are not matching and because I am not ready to be tied to another human being. I then turn around and start praying for what I think I want in a husband. I tell G-d that I'm not ready but at the same time I desperately want to find who He wants for me, if there is such a person. Why am I so fickle and continue to flip-flop like this? I say that people drive me nuts, but I make myself more crazy than anyone else ever could. If only I could get away from myself and just reset all of this junk that gets started in my head!
Friday, August 30, 2013
Movie Birthday Night
After a long first week of college for my brother and I, we are kickin' back tonight. We rented some movies, got some ice cream (non-dairy for me) and some root beer and we plan to have a good night. Today, he turned 18 which means that my baby brother is now an adult! I still think of him as a kid because we still act like kids around each other. In fact, we are going to make a pillow fort in our living room (we live together in an off-campus apartment) and we plan to stay in our fort all of tomorrow while watching our movies and eating our root beer floats. It sounds like a pretty neat 18th birthday to me, but I didn't do much for my 18th. It seems like he wants to go out with friends to celebrate and maybe catch a movie in the theater and go out to dinner but he doesn't know enough people to do that yet and I'm sure he doesn't want to hang out with all of my friends.
This got me to thinkin': I wish I were more creative and thoughtful. Now, I am highly introspective, to a fault. I over-think things all the time and drive all of my friends and family crazy because it seems like I talk a lot, but that is only to myself because I never shut up in my head but I don't vocalize what I'm thinking very much. Anyway, I would like to be like those people that can actually do the Pinterest posts and make stuff super creative and nice looking. I would love to do special things for all of my family and friends on their birthdays, or for any celebration/pick-me-up that may be needed. Unfortunately, I have ideas to surprise them with, but nothing ever works out as planned, nor does anything ever look as good as Pinterest... I'm just not a creative person. I am a science and math brained type of person. I like to have an unknown and a set way to find it. I do not like creating something from nothing and I never have "brain-children". So, here I am, having a slumber party with brother for his 18th birthday party. Oy!
But, we made it through the first week of college though! That means that while the rest of the year will be filled with tons of work, we will be finished with it soon. Plus, next semester, I have clinicals to look forward to!!!
This got me to thinkin': I wish I were more creative and thoughtful. Now, I am highly introspective, to a fault. I over-think things all the time and drive all of my friends and family crazy because it seems like I talk a lot, but that is only to myself because I never shut up in my head but I don't vocalize what I'm thinking very much. Anyway, I would like to be like those people that can actually do the Pinterest posts and make stuff super creative and nice looking. I would love to do special things for all of my family and friends on their birthdays, or for any celebration/pick-me-up that may be needed. Unfortunately, I have ideas to surprise them with, but nothing ever works out as planned, nor does anything ever look as good as Pinterest... I'm just not a creative person. I am a science and math brained type of person. I like to have an unknown and a set way to find it. I do not like creating something from nothing and I never have "brain-children". So, here I am, having a slumber party with brother for his 18th birthday party. Oy!
But, we made it through the first week of college though! That means that while the rest of the year will be filled with tons of work, we will be finished with it soon. Plus, next semester, I have clinicals to look forward to!!!
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Uneventful Day
Truly, today was uneventful. I had a quiz in chem that I got a C on, which I am not happy about. Then, psych was funny, but it doesn't seem like it was overly difficult or stressful. Also, I worked out again today! When I "workout" I really just mean I walked on the treadmill for awhile. Today it was 30 minutes and I walked close to 45 minutes Monday. Hopefully these short periods of exercise help or do something good for me.
I have been super distracted lately and not able to keep much focus on anything. I really need to buckle down and start working harder because I already have B's in 2 of my 4 classes and that is so NOT okay. I have A's in the other two so far, but I need to work and keep them A's. These bad grades that I have been getting are so discouraging. I know that I am not working hard enough or smart enough, but once I get into a hole with bad grades, it seems impossible to get out of it to raise my grades again. Thus, starting an ugly cycle of worse and worse grades.
Daily Thanksgiving: Psych was hilarious, chem was kinda easy, I didn't fail my quiz, I hung out a lot with my friends, and I worked out! Though I had some stuff that was weighing heavy on my mind, it seems like today was a good day overall.
By the way, today, I told one of my friends that my birthday was yesterday... the story remains to be continued. We will see if he keeps his promise of not telling anyone about it.
Also, I am starting to think that this dating thing may not be such a difficult thing to do. It's just a lot of talking and hanging out, getting to know each other, right? Maybe some hugs, or kisses (but not for me in my relationships). Perhaps some crisis, meeting the parents and other life events. But for the most part, it seems like a friendship that is more exclusive and it is acceptable to be a pair of people with secrets together and a mutual understanding of what each other think and believe. There is a good chance I am getting this totally wrong, but from my observations, that is a simplistic idea of what dating is. Guys, I really need some input as to what is going on!!!
I have been super distracted lately and not able to keep much focus on anything. I really need to buckle down and start working harder because I already have B's in 2 of my 4 classes and that is so NOT okay. I have A's in the other two so far, but I need to work and keep them A's. These bad grades that I have been getting are so discouraging. I know that I am not working hard enough or smart enough, but once I get into a hole with bad grades, it seems impossible to get out of it to raise my grades again. Thus, starting an ugly cycle of worse and worse grades.
Daily Thanksgiving: Psych was hilarious, chem was kinda easy, I didn't fail my quiz, I hung out a lot with my friends, and I worked out! Though I had some stuff that was weighing heavy on my mind, it seems like today was a good day overall.
By the way, today, I told one of my friends that my birthday was yesterday... the story remains to be continued. We will see if he keeps his promise of not telling anyone about it.
Also, I am starting to think that this dating thing may not be such a difficult thing to do. It's just a lot of talking and hanging out, getting to know each other, right? Maybe some hugs, or kisses (but not for me in my relationships). Perhaps some crisis, meeting the parents and other life events. But for the most part, it seems like a friendship that is more exclusive and it is acceptable to be a pair of people with secrets together and a mutual understanding of what each other think and believe. There is a good chance I am getting this totally wrong, but from my observations, that is a simplistic idea of what dating is. Guys, I really need some input as to what is going on!!!
Update From Yesterday
So, my birthday turned out decent. Nobody knew about it, that I know of, so that was good. Also, my classes weren't terrible, they just dragged on all day. However, yesterday is a success in my book and I am very glad I didn't make a big deal about turning 19. That number bothers me, because I just got used to writing 18 on stuff... Oh well.
The crush I have is still there despite the various ways I have tried to lose these "feelings". Feelings is such a gross word. Anyway, I still have not decided what I am going to do about it and I am still waiting on the L-rd to direct my decision.
School is back in full swing even though my brain is still stuck on break, but I am getting through the week and enjoying the lack of homework I have to complete thanks to my hard effort over break!
Daily Thanksgiving from yesterday: Nobody knew about my birthday (except my family). It rained here. Saturday I may be going on a hike that I am very excited about, which is good because I usually don't get excited about hikes or physical activities at all.
More to come about today later.
How are you doing today?
The crush I have is still there despite the various ways I have tried to lose these "feelings". Feelings is such a gross word. Anyway, I still have not decided what I am going to do about it and I am still waiting on the L-rd to direct my decision.
School is back in full swing even though my brain is still stuck on break, but I am getting through the week and enjoying the lack of homework I have to complete thanks to my hard effort over break!
Daily Thanksgiving from yesterday: Nobody knew about my birthday (except my family). It rained here. Saturday I may be going on a hike that I am very excited about, which is good because I usually don't get excited about hikes or physical activities at all.
More to come about today later.
How are you doing today?
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
My Apologies
I would like to apologize for the following bad news. It seems as though this day may be a tough one to get through, so please bear with me.
1) I didn't get the RA job. This was probably a good thing because G-d would have let me have it if He needed to me to have the job. Likely, it would have been too much on my plate. However, my plans are now shot. I don't know where I'm going to live next year or what to do about paying for school. So that's stressing me out in addition to the second item on my list...
2) Now, don't tell anyone, but it is the anniversary of the evacuation of my mother's uterus. Ya, that's right, it's my birthday. I don't know if I have shared this with you, but I don't like my birthday. The day is fine, I like being born in April, but I don't like the responsibility that the day usually brings. So, I keep it a well-guarded secret. For everyone else who has a birthday today, Happy Birthday. I hope it goes well for you and that you enjoy your day.
3) ... I know there is more, but I can't remember what it is right now, so I will check in later with you guys.
1) I didn't get the RA job. This was probably a good thing because G-d would have let me have it if He needed to me to have the job. Likely, it would have been too much on my plate. However, my plans are now shot. I don't know where I'm going to live next year or what to do about paying for school. So that's stressing me out in addition to the second item on my list...
2) Now, don't tell anyone, but it is the anniversary of the evacuation of my mother's uterus. Ya, that's right, it's my birthday. I don't know if I have shared this with you, but I don't like my birthday. The day is fine, I like being born in April, but I don't like the responsibility that the day usually brings. So, I keep it a well-guarded secret. For everyone else who has a birthday today, Happy Birthday. I hope it goes well for you and that you enjoy your day.
3) ... I know there is more, but I can't remember what it is right now, so I will check in later with you guys.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Back At School
I can't believe spring break is over already! It seems like I was just packing up my car to head home, now I'm back again with no recollection of what I did last week. That was an exageration, I relaxed and watched t.v. when I was not hanging out with my kids or my friends. No matter how unproductive my break was, I am glad that I was able to relax and veg, hopefully my brain was able to recoup so I can get done with the last 6 weeks of my freshman year.
Yesterday, before I left home, my parents threw me a mini birthday party. How sweet is that! They were bummed that my birthday is during the school week so they got a couple pies and gave me a card with some money in it. I love that it didn't turn into a whole week ordeal or even an entire day dedicated to me. Those things make me uncomfortable because everything is because the "birthday girl" wants to do something. Never have I had to make more decisions than on my birthday. So, to have a tiny little celebration that lasted a maximum of 30 minutes was perfect. Plus, I am having a hard time getting older. I can't even imagine how bummed I will be when I turn 50 if I am having these sad feelings just turning 19.
Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful that I got here last night so I can miss the Easter traffic. I also got all of my shopping done this morning and I got an excellent parking spot! Over spring break I didn't even have to work which was nice too because I get so stressed out at work. I am also thankful that G-d has preserved me these last 19 years and he brought me back to college safely.
Anyway, enough about me. How have you been?
Yesterday, before I left home, my parents threw me a mini birthday party. How sweet is that! They were bummed that my birthday is during the school week so they got a couple pies and gave me a card with some money in it. I love that it didn't turn into a whole week ordeal or even an entire day dedicated to me. Those things make me uncomfortable because everything is because the "birthday girl" wants to do something. Never have I had to make more decisions than on my birthday. So, to have a tiny little celebration that lasted a maximum of 30 minutes was perfect. Plus, I am having a hard time getting older. I can't even imagine how bummed I will be when I turn 50 if I am having these sad feelings just turning 19.
Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful that I got here last night so I can miss the Easter traffic. I also got all of my shopping done this morning and I got an excellent parking spot! Over spring break I didn't even have to work which was nice too because I get so stressed out at work. I am also thankful that G-d has preserved me these last 19 years and he brought me back to college safely.
Anyway, enough about me. How have you been?
Thursday, March 28, 2013
My Kids
Just an update from what happened yesterday, my kids threw me a birthday party! The kids I "adopted" (mentioned in my last post). My real birthday is in about a week, but they will be back in school, as will I. So, they got me a tiny little cake, they gave me some presents, then we went and painted pottery at Arts On Fire. Let me tell you, that place is so fun! It was a bit of a drive, but so very worth it. When you are there, you pick out a piece of pottery that is already made and fired the first time, you just get to paint it with glaze. Then you have them fire it for you and they call you in about a week to come pick it up. Simple as that. I could see it being an awesome date idea too... Anyway, I have to get my mind focused back on this conversation. So we did all that and what really made my day was the fact that the little boy (age 4) was asking for hugs all day and he said he loves me nearly 5849 times, no joke. Then, the littlest girl (age 2 in April) actually likes me now! She liked me when she was little bitty, then she started associating me with her mom leaving, but she is learning that her mom comes back and that I am alright to hang out with. She kept grabbing my finger and pulling me to play. She smiled at me and played peek-a-boo. Guys, my heart is overflowing with love. These two kids' older sisters (ages 6 and 10) are just so sweet too. I connect so much with the older one because we are so similar in the way that we learn, handle ourselves and others, and the way that we have fun. The younger girl is just so adorable. She is very artistic and really shone during the painting. She even painted me my own picture as part of my birthday present! I don't know how all four children are so kind, gentle and well-behaved, but their mom is doing an amazing job raising them. Someday, I pray that G-d gives me children, and I pray that I know how to raise them to be so responsible, well-rounded and gracious as these kids. I love them as if they were my own, I don't understand how my love for someone could ever grow anymore, but it grows everytime I see them. People also say that romantic love (pardon the weird wording) and the love of my own offspring will be greater, I think it may cause me to burst if there is actually greater love than this. My cup runneth over.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Just Another Day In Paradise
Finished out another day of work. Thankfully, today the CNA stayed with me all day and we were behind, but it wasn't terrible. The residents, on the other hand, were off the wall active today. I don't know what's going on, it's not even a full moon yet!!! Guys, it's getting really hard to be at this job. It seems like I fail everyday because I am slow and I don't know what I am doing at all. Well, that's not totally true, I do kinda know what I am doing... sometimes. Anyway, I will count it as a good day despite the scratches, bruises, pain, frustration and disappointment.
On the other hand, I absolutely love the LPN that was working today. She is always so sweet and she saw that we were behind, likely because of me, and so she took all of the vitals we needed done for the day. If only there were something I could do for her, she is always offering me lunch, fixing my mistakes and offering advice and encouragement. This lady is just such a great nurse and LPN, I am so very thankful for her.
4 days left until spring break! My spring break will consist of studying, hanging out with friends and sleeping but it will be a nice break despite the uneventful week. Then I just have a month and a half left of my first year of school. That means... I am nearly a quarter of the way to being a nurse!!! Even though this job makes me feel like I cannot do anything right, I think that I have potential to be a good nurse. I care a lot, maybe too much, which is why I am slow. But I know that G-d can teach me to be an awesome nurse and He will guide my life.
By the way, my birthday is coming up. I won't say when, because I despise birthdays, but it seemed like I needed to tell someone besides just my family. Does anyone else hate birthdays? I don't like getting older, I do not like the attention and I do not like the pressure people put on you to make all the decisions just because you evacuated your mother's uterus that same date a few years earlier. Maybe I am just too negative. Actually, I am pretty sure I am, but I am working on it. Nonetheless, I highly dislike birthdays. It seems everything goes wrong that day. I've called into the principle's office, been yelled at, been forgotten, and tons of other bad things have happened, always on my birthday. So, please forgive me for not being excited about the aging process, I just don't see a need to commemorate the anniversary of another year that I did not live up to my expectations (or anyone else's for that matter).
Daily Thanksgiving: You know, it occurred to me I forgot yesterday's thanksgiving. Well, yesterday I was super thankful for Shabbat, a day of rest. I slept in and relaxed and did nothing all day. Today I am thankful for my LPN, the CNA that worked with me today, the fact that I don't have to work for nearly 3 weeks now, I get spring break in 4 days and for my friends and family. Plus, I love Pandora, it helps me get my mind off things when I need a break. Pandora radio is good stuff.
Just an update about my anatomy tests that I took last week: I got a B on both the lecture exam and the lab practical. I thought I would do better, but hey, G-d gave me good grades for both and I am grateful for that. Next time I will work for A's again and, L-rd willing, I will actually get A's.
On the other hand, I absolutely love the LPN that was working today. She is always so sweet and she saw that we were behind, likely because of me, and so she took all of the vitals we needed done for the day. If only there were something I could do for her, she is always offering me lunch, fixing my mistakes and offering advice and encouragement. This lady is just such a great nurse and LPN, I am so very thankful for her.
4 days left until spring break! My spring break will consist of studying, hanging out with friends and sleeping but it will be a nice break despite the uneventful week. Then I just have a month and a half left of my first year of school. That means... I am nearly a quarter of the way to being a nurse!!! Even though this job makes me feel like I cannot do anything right, I think that I have potential to be a good nurse. I care a lot, maybe too much, which is why I am slow. But I know that G-d can teach me to be an awesome nurse and He will guide my life.
By the way, my birthday is coming up. I won't say when, because I despise birthdays, but it seemed like I needed to tell someone besides just my family. Does anyone else hate birthdays? I don't like getting older, I do not like the attention and I do not like the pressure people put on you to make all the decisions just because you evacuated your mother's uterus that same date a few years earlier. Maybe I am just too negative. Actually, I am pretty sure I am, but I am working on it. Nonetheless, I highly dislike birthdays. It seems everything goes wrong that day. I've called into the principle's office, been yelled at, been forgotten, and tons of other bad things have happened, always on my birthday. So, please forgive me for not being excited about the aging process, I just don't see a need to commemorate the anniversary of another year that I did not live up to my expectations (or anyone else's for that matter).
Daily Thanksgiving: You know, it occurred to me I forgot yesterday's thanksgiving. Well, yesterday I was super thankful for Shabbat, a day of rest. I slept in and relaxed and did nothing all day. Today I am thankful for my LPN, the CNA that worked with me today, the fact that I don't have to work for nearly 3 weeks now, I get spring break in 4 days and for my friends and family. Plus, I love Pandora, it helps me get my mind off things when I need a break. Pandora radio is good stuff.
Just an update about my anatomy tests that I took last week: I got a B on both the lecture exam and the lab practical. I thought I would do better, but hey, G-d gave me good grades for both and I am grateful for that. Next time I will work for A's again and, L-rd willing, I will actually get A's.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Been Away
I'm sorry I've been away for a few days. I got to go home! My mom's birthday was nice, we didn't do anything. Well, she had to work. She's a hairdresser, so she did my hair and she had a couple other clients. I had planned on cleaning the house for her present, that didn't work. I did make challah though and that was all I could give her. Why is it people get so hard to shop for? Why is it that we feel the need to buy something for every occasion? I want to be living back when Laura Ingalls was alive. Her family made stuff for each other. I do not recall her talking about birthday presents though. But they were working on presents for each other for months before Christmas (though I do not celebrate Christmas any longer), but they put so much thought and time into their gifts. That's how it should be!
Anyhow, my weekend was so nice and relaxing. I slept and thought about a lot and even told my mom about my friend maybe having a thing for me. She said she figured it would happen sooner or later. I love my friends, all of them. If you spend any length of time - even 5 seconds - talking to me, you are my friend and I will jump in front of a bullet for you. There are not many people that I do not like, and even then I would do anything to save your life, it doesn't matter. But I don't understand why my best friends (always guys) end up liking me. Am I coming off too nice? Like in a flirtatious way? I don't know. I don't even know what constitutes flirting. Then, what do I say if he asks me if I like him back? I do, but I'm not ready to date. And I won't be ready to date for a solid couple years, not until junior year at the soonest. Well, now it's closer to another year (wow, that went by quick!). So how do I explain to him that I am not ready without ruining our friendship? I cannot lose him like I lost C and I (see past story about this type of ordeal), it would break my heart and I may lose my other friends. I am praying that he does not ask me at all, but if he does I hope it is after school is over for the summer, that way we can both recover and avoid the awkwardness that is sure to ensue.
Despite my hard-core cynicism about everything, especially dating and marriage, I have opened a Pinterest account. For those of you that do not know what it is, it's a website for sharing creative stuff. Arts, crafts, food, decorating, and a million other things. There is even a wedding idea section. A year ago, I could not even go to my friends wedding because the thought of marriage made me cry... like a little girl... It's that ugly type of crying where you can't breathe because you are hyperventilating and about to die. Ya, that terrible, the world-is-ending, type of cry. Currently, however, I am planning my non-existent wedding. It's proving to be quite enjoyable, but highly unhealthy for me. Thus, leading to another dilemma and emotional hardships. Should I delete my Pinterest profile? Probably. Am I going to? Not yet. Normally, I would have hit rock bottom with my depression by now, but for some reason I have hope. I have hope that I may have a boyfriend in about a year or two. I hope that I may get engaged sometime my senior year or shortly after I graduate college. I am hoping that the plans I have for my non-existent wedding will actually get to be used in a few years. This is really dangerous. My high-on-life is all riding on easily shattered hopes for a future when I believe there is a good chance, a very likely possibility, that I will not live to see these things play out in my life. Perhaps they will happen, just the way I hope they do. Maybe they will happen, but on a different time-scale. Still, in my heart I am saddened by the realization that none of this will happen for me at all. I know it is all dependent on G-D's plans for my life, for He knows best what to do and when. But does that keep me from wondering and hoping my plans are His plans? Does it even save my heart from the impending heart-ache sure to come soon? Unfortunately, these are both answered with huge, resounding no's.
Let's switch gears here and mention daily thanksgivings, shall we? I am thankful I did nothing this weekend. I am thankful that I was able to go home for my mom's birthday. I am also thankful that work went well yesterday. I am still slow, but slowly getting faster. G-d is good. He is merciful. He is kind. He is my Rock and the only way that I can live each day.
Anyhow, my weekend was so nice and relaxing. I slept and thought about a lot and even told my mom about my friend maybe having a thing for me. She said she figured it would happen sooner or later. I love my friends, all of them. If you spend any length of time - even 5 seconds - talking to me, you are my friend and I will jump in front of a bullet for you. There are not many people that I do not like, and even then I would do anything to save your life, it doesn't matter. But I don't understand why my best friends (always guys) end up liking me. Am I coming off too nice? Like in a flirtatious way? I don't know. I don't even know what constitutes flirting. Then, what do I say if he asks me if I like him back? I do, but I'm not ready to date. And I won't be ready to date for a solid couple years, not until junior year at the soonest. Well, now it's closer to another year (wow, that went by quick!). So how do I explain to him that I am not ready without ruining our friendship? I cannot lose him like I lost C and I (see past story about this type of ordeal), it would break my heart and I may lose my other friends. I am praying that he does not ask me at all, but if he does I hope it is after school is over for the summer, that way we can both recover and avoid the awkwardness that is sure to ensue.
Despite my hard-core cynicism about everything, especially dating and marriage, I have opened a Pinterest account. For those of you that do not know what it is, it's a website for sharing creative stuff. Arts, crafts, food, decorating, and a million other things. There is even a wedding idea section. A year ago, I could not even go to my friends wedding because the thought of marriage made me cry... like a little girl... It's that ugly type of crying where you can't breathe because you are hyperventilating and about to die. Ya, that terrible, the world-is-ending, type of cry. Currently, however, I am planning my non-existent wedding. It's proving to be quite enjoyable, but highly unhealthy for me. Thus, leading to another dilemma and emotional hardships. Should I delete my Pinterest profile? Probably. Am I going to? Not yet. Normally, I would have hit rock bottom with my depression by now, but for some reason I have hope. I have hope that I may have a boyfriend in about a year or two. I hope that I may get engaged sometime my senior year or shortly after I graduate college. I am hoping that the plans I have for my non-existent wedding will actually get to be used in a few years. This is really dangerous. My high-on-life is all riding on easily shattered hopes for a future when I believe there is a good chance, a very likely possibility, that I will not live to see these things play out in my life. Perhaps they will happen, just the way I hope they do. Maybe they will happen, but on a different time-scale. Still, in my heart I am saddened by the realization that none of this will happen for me at all. I know it is all dependent on G-D's plans for my life, for He knows best what to do and when. But does that keep me from wondering and hoping my plans are His plans? Does it even save my heart from the impending heart-ache sure to come soon? Unfortunately, these are both answered with huge, resounding no's.
Let's switch gears here and mention daily thanksgivings, shall we? I am thankful I did nothing this weekend. I am thankful that I was able to go home for my mom's birthday. I am also thankful that work went well yesterday. I am still slow, but slowly getting faster. G-d is good. He is merciful. He is kind. He is my Rock and the only way that I can live each day.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
What to do...
So, since I am working on not gossiping, am I able to talk to you about my friends and family? For instance, when I was talking about the guys that have asked me out, and my friend who may have a "thing" for me. Am I able to talk about that kinda stuff?
I really need some input on this because I do not know what to do. Most likely, you do not know who I am talking about, and I do not use names so it's not like you can go back to whoever I am talking about or start rumors. However, I am still giving you the run-down of my life which includes the juicy little tidbits that happen to me throughout the day. The definition of gossip I got from Google is: "Casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true." All of these reports are true, I experienced them firsthand but that does not mean these subjects are okay from G-d's point of view.. I really need to read up on what the Bible says about gossip and pray about it so that I can make a Biblical stand on what I talk about and what I keep to myself. More to come soon...
On a different note, I turned in my Intent to Apply form for nursing school! It's kinda silly you have to turn in a form saying you are planning on applying because they will know when you apply. It also makes sense though so they can get you file set-up and make sure you are doing everything you need to be doing. My school usually has a couple hundred students apply to the nursing program each semester (you can apply in the spring for fall, or fall for spring). The problem is, there are only about 30-40 clinical spots each year. That makes me nervous. Well, it should, but I have this overwhelming peace about it. That doesn't mean I am certain I will get into this program, though I sure do hope I do! I simply have peace because I know that whatever happens, G-d has ultimate control and He will allow what is best for me to happen. Thus, His plans prevail and all the glory will be to His name. The whole system is beautiful really.
Also, I get to go home tomorrow! It's my mom's birthday this weekend and I am going home to make her some dinner, bake some challah (try it, it's good), and relax with my family and my dog. I cannot wait!
*When you try challah, make sure it is a sweet kind and homemade if possibly so that you can add honey and/or sugar to it yourself. The kind they have at Einstein's is mini, and absolutely adorable, but it's not usually sweet. Also, try the cinnamon raisin kind that is typically made for Rosh Hashannah, it is absolutely delicious!*
I really need some input on this because I do not know what to do. Most likely, you do not know who I am talking about, and I do not use names so it's not like you can go back to whoever I am talking about or start rumors. However, I am still giving you the run-down of my life which includes the juicy little tidbits that happen to me throughout the day. The definition of gossip I got from Google is: "Casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true." All of these reports are true, I experienced them firsthand but that does not mean these subjects are okay from G-d's point of view.. I really need to read up on what the Bible says about gossip and pray about it so that I can make a Biblical stand on what I talk about and what I keep to myself. More to come soon...
On a different note, I turned in my Intent to Apply form for nursing school! It's kinda silly you have to turn in a form saying you are planning on applying because they will know when you apply. It also makes sense though so they can get you file set-up and make sure you are doing everything you need to be doing. My school usually has a couple hundred students apply to the nursing program each semester (you can apply in the spring for fall, or fall for spring). The problem is, there are only about 30-40 clinical spots each year. That makes me nervous. Well, it should, but I have this overwhelming peace about it. That doesn't mean I am certain I will get into this program, though I sure do hope I do! I simply have peace because I know that whatever happens, G-d has ultimate control and He will allow what is best for me to happen. Thus, His plans prevail and all the glory will be to His name. The whole system is beautiful really.
Also, I get to go home tomorrow! It's my mom's birthday this weekend and I am going home to make her some dinner, bake some challah (try it, it's good), and relax with my family and my dog. I cannot wait!
*When you try challah, make sure it is a sweet kind and homemade if possibly so that you can add honey and/or sugar to it yourself. The kind they have at Einstein's is mini, and absolutely adorable, but it's not usually sweet. Also, try the cinnamon raisin kind that is typically made for Rosh Hashannah, it is absolutely delicious!*
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