It's been 2-3 nights since the huge full moon occurred. Regardless, the children in the Big House have not gotten said memo. I only had two babies last night and they were being so naughty!!!
I was running behind all night long and not for lack of trying. One kid takes frickin forever to assess and feed because there are often unforseen complications such as him puking every. single. assessment. because he gets so worked up and upset that he doesn't even make sound when crying and thus provides enough pressure on his stomach to then throw up. *Ugh, buddy, let's talk about this!* This phrase is uttered more times than should be allowed in an attempt to get him to chill out. Surprisingly, he's more cooperative for me than for anyone else. *facepalm*
My other kid was on a vent, but absolutely delightful. He's so sweet and his family is so kind and calm. I adore this family/kid. However, he's getting sick. So, after being late from my first kid taking waaaaaay too long to eat and not having a tube to be able to tube the rest of the feed, I started in on this kid. Shortly after sitting down to begin charting on both little pip-squeaks, the NNP came in and I got informed the kid needed blood cultures taken stat. Which means IV sticks to get a totally sterile sample of blood, besides whatever terrible thing has decided to begin growing in this poor little kid's body. First IV got placed no problem, but no blood return to be able to get for cultures. So on to second IV. Got that, no problem and got blood. Antibiotics started and I'm already late for the first kid's second assessment/feeding.
*sigh*
The whole night ran behind after that. Try as I might, I could not get caught up on charting completely until day shift arrived. I was 10 minutes to clock out so that I could chart everything that happened.
I finally got home, got showered, and dressed into new pj's straight out of the dryer. Called in my puppy to sleep with me for the day and as soon as I laid down and petted her, I realized she was covered in some mysterious, dried, likely-dead-animal's guts type substance. So, at 10 a.m. after a frustrating night-shift, I walked my backyard twice in hopes of finding whatever it is she rolled in. Then proceeded to give her a bath. She was pissed, but hey, I'm not letting her gallivant about in my house and all over my bed in some dead creatures guts. GROSS!
Dog's bath done, another change of pajamas, scrubbing my arms up to my elbows and aromatherapy diffuser turned on, I fell asleep.
I woke up 5 hours later, and 2 hours earlier than I needed to, because of nightmares. Nightmares about work, nightmares about family, nightmares about past events. My subconscious must be trying to tell me something, but I'm not getting overworked. I think it was just a stressful shift, my family all bailed on me (except for mom) in every way possible (Thanksgiving, both rape cases, you name it), and I'm still battling memories of exboyfriend and exfiance. I would have worded the last few sentences differently, I don't normally use rape in such a blunt term when talking about those two assholes and the countless number of times I have been abused at their hands, but I'm in a no-nonsense kind of mood right now.
Tomorrow night is Newbie's Night Out with the other new girls on my unit. I'm so excited I can't even tell you! I've been looking forward to this night, and attempting to plan it for months. I kid you not. So, for it to be so close is a wonderful feeling. I'll let you know how it goes!
Good news about last night's shift is that I have made friends (work friend status) with the respiratory therapists, many of the NNP's, and so many others besides the regular nurses. Plus, I got to have my favorite charge nurse on last night!!! I tell you what, she makes the shift so much better, just by being there. But she listens when I have concerns, she believes my "nursing judgement" which is little more than babysitter judgement at this point, and she helps us out. She agreed to help me out with tonight's assignments and not putting my two kids together until first kid learns to not take so long and second kid starts to feel better. I wish she were charge again tonight... ah well, I'm making friends with people the other "regular" staff has difficulties with. Thing is, they have difficulties with a lot of people, and I think it's because of the "regular" staff, not the others. Ya know what I mean? That's how it rolls with a clique mentality. Meanwhile, I'll be friends with everyone and people on other units have already begun requesting me by name. So I'm good with that.
Showing posts with label nightmare. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nightmare. Show all posts
Thursday, November 17, 2016
Monday, June 20, 2016
Odd Feeling
I've been feeling strange for quite some time now. It's hard to explain, but it's one of those things that you can just sense you, yourself, are "off".
Looking through Facebook tonight, because I have very little to do in Small Town without a current graduate nurse permit... anywho, it occured to me that I have had to train myself to live in the present moment for the last several months. Actually, about a year and a half now. Don't get me wrong, I'm excellent at "tuning out" and dissociating. However, my dreams of the future have been dampened dramatically to trying to focus on the "here and now" so that I can get myself through each new hour that I am left breathing here on this planet.
There are still days I wake up startled from nightmares.
I still have several panic attacks a week/month (on a good month).
My eating and self-care is not nearly where it needs to be.
Flashbacks still occur several times every hour.
I don't like people at the door, it freaks me out.
Even in a different state, the sight of trucks freak me the fuck out. Doesn't matter if they're red, green, purple, neon orange, any color of the damn rainbow; they freak me out... again...
Ragardless, these things have become my new normal. Flashbacks and nightmares and trucks still frighten me to my core, but I am not as notably shaken to everyone else because I've been battling this shit for over a year now.
For a year I haven't been able to dream for my future. I can't think about a time when I'll be completely free of these burdens because that day will never come, until the day I die. The suicidal thoughts have subsided a bit. I've been able to cut down on my self-harm and the way I used to take mass amounts of Benadryl, Tylenol, and Ibuprofen to self-sedate my brain into sleep for a few days. Most days, I am able to get myself something to eat and I'm drinking more water than wine, again.
Still, my hopes for a future are essentially nonexistent at this point. On one level, it's a little nice to not keep getting my hopes up, just to have them crushed year after year. On a deeper level, of me as a 22-year-old young "lady" (quotes because let's be honest, I'm a complete tomboy besides these past few months of ridiculous whiny posts) still wants to be able to dream about G-d providing a husband for me, a white gown and walking down the aisle. Someday having children, continuing on with my nursing education, teaching my children how to live with lots of animals and teaching them about the various things in life. This, teaching them about life, is usually where I shift into reverse and convince myself a future needs to not happen.
Getting to the point in my imagination that there is a husband and there are children is a long, long process. It used to be something to look forward to, ponder, and pray about. Now, it feels like pulling teeth and I find myself begging the Good L-rd to have someone who is patient and kind enough to be able to handle my crap baggage. Then it slows even more because I get to thinking about how being with me would not be fair to a single soul. That's about the time that all past roommates and all the negative comments about how badly I suck start playing through my mind...
Anyway, in the off chance I get to the point where I think about the things to teach my imaginary children, I come to a complete stop when I think about them being any older than an infant. How can I handle them going to a sleep over where I'm not there? What if the friend has older siblings? Are those older siblings supervised? What happens when we have to have the "sex talk"? Do I tell them about what happened to me? Will that cause trauma? Will that make them over-paranoid? When they are in high school/college, will they be able to stay safe from the horrors inflicted upon me? Will I have days where I stay in bed and call my mom or mother-in-law to deal with the kids because I simply can't? How do I explain to them the days when I'm weepy, dissociated, sad, numb, or completely unable to function? How is this fair to kids? How would this be fair to a husband?
How the hell is any of this shit fair to me? I didn't ask for any of these assaults.
A year and a half ago, I was going about life, excited to be a nurse and to see what my future had in store. One absolute shitty year changed it all for me.
I'm still taking my life hour-by-hour, sometimes I work myself up to a day-by-day mentality. Those days, where I'm not living hour-by-hour, are surprisingly my "good" days.
Maybe someday I'll get to a point where I can dream about a future. Maybe, someday, I'll have a future.
June 12 was supposed to be my "wedding day". Haha, that was the date I picked for the wedding of exfiance and I. That day came and went and it was one of the best, most freeing days I've had in a long time. It was a day where I woke up knowing that I dodged a bomb. No, he was not bullet to dodge, he was a fucking bomb!!! I'm by no means completely safe, and I have a long way to go before I am healed, but I am free. Praise the L-rd for that.
Looking through Facebook tonight, because I have very little to do in Small Town without a current graduate nurse permit... anywho, it occured to me that I have had to train myself to live in the present moment for the last several months. Actually, about a year and a half now. Don't get me wrong, I'm excellent at "tuning out" and dissociating. However, my dreams of the future have been dampened dramatically to trying to focus on the "here and now" so that I can get myself through each new hour that I am left breathing here on this planet.
There are still days I wake up startled from nightmares.
I still have several panic attacks a week/month (on a good month).
My eating and self-care is not nearly where it needs to be.
Flashbacks still occur several times every hour.
I don't like people at the door, it freaks me out.
Even in a different state, the sight of trucks freak me the fuck out. Doesn't matter if they're red, green, purple, neon orange, any color of the damn rainbow; they freak me out... again...
Ragardless, these things have become my new normal. Flashbacks and nightmares and trucks still frighten me to my core, but I am not as notably shaken to everyone else because I've been battling this shit for over a year now.
For a year I haven't been able to dream for my future. I can't think about a time when I'll be completely free of these burdens because that day will never come, until the day I die. The suicidal thoughts have subsided a bit. I've been able to cut down on my self-harm and the way I used to take mass amounts of Benadryl, Tylenol, and Ibuprofen to self-sedate my brain into sleep for a few days. Most days, I am able to get myself something to eat and I'm drinking more water than wine, again.
Still, my hopes for a future are essentially nonexistent at this point. On one level, it's a little nice to not keep getting my hopes up, just to have them crushed year after year. On a deeper level, of me as a 22-year-old young "lady" (quotes because let's be honest, I'm a complete tomboy besides these past few months of ridiculous whiny posts) still wants to be able to dream about G-d providing a husband for me, a white gown and walking down the aisle. Someday having children, continuing on with my nursing education, teaching my children how to live with lots of animals and teaching them about the various things in life. This, teaching them about life, is usually where I shift into reverse and convince myself a future needs to not happen.
Getting to the point in my imagination that there is a husband and there are children is a long, long process. It used to be something to look forward to, ponder, and pray about. Now, it feels like pulling teeth and I find myself begging the Good L-rd to have someone who is patient and kind enough to be able to handle my crap baggage. Then it slows even more because I get to thinking about how being with me would not be fair to a single soul. That's about the time that all past roommates and all the negative comments about how badly I suck start playing through my mind...
Anyway, in the off chance I get to the point where I think about the things to teach my imaginary children, I come to a complete stop when I think about them being any older than an infant. How can I handle them going to a sleep over where I'm not there? What if the friend has older siblings? Are those older siblings supervised? What happens when we have to have the "sex talk"? Do I tell them about what happened to me? Will that cause trauma? Will that make them over-paranoid? When they are in high school/college, will they be able to stay safe from the horrors inflicted upon me? Will I have days where I stay in bed and call my mom or mother-in-law to deal with the kids because I simply can't? How do I explain to them the days when I'm weepy, dissociated, sad, numb, or completely unable to function? How is this fair to kids? How would this be fair to a husband?
How the hell is any of this shit fair to me? I didn't ask for any of these assaults.
A year and a half ago, I was going about life, excited to be a nurse and to see what my future had in store. One absolute shitty year changed it all for me.
I'm still taking my life hour-by-hour, sometimes I work myself up to a day-by-day mentality. Those days, where I'm not living hour-by-hour, are surprisingly my "good" days.
Maybe someday I'll get to a point where I can dream about a future. Maybe, someday, I'll have a future.
June 12 was supposed to be my "wedding day". Haha, that was the date I picked for the wedding of exfiance and I. That day came and went and it was one of the best, most freeing days I've had in a long time. It was a day where I woke up knowing that I dodged a bomb. No, he was not bullet to dodge, he was a fucking bomb!!! I'm by no means completely safe, and I have a long way to go before I am healed, but I am free. Praise the L-rd for that.
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Bad Dreams
I know that when I am stressed, my depression is exacerbated and nightmares are expected. This is fairly common among all people because dreaming is a way for your brain to process various life circumstances.
That leads us to last night's nightmare...
I was being chased by exfiance and he found out the new place that I live. I managed to stay hidden from him, but he kept coming by my new house, ringing the doorbell, and knocking on all the windows. He followed me in exboyfriend's truck, actually. Why the cross between both assholes? I have no idea. Also, in my dream we were not actually at my new house but I was dreaming that I was living at one of my Uncle's houses in the country... Anyway, I was leaving my house trying to drive away, but that's when he actually saw me. He tracked me down and eventually I was running on foot. I called the cops and they wouldn't answer. I tried to get friends to keep him there so that I could call the cops, but every time I dialed 9-1-1 I pressed the wrong buttons or extra buttons or whatever. I couldn't call the police! He found out I was calling them and so he drove away, but not before he tried to take me with him. My new friends stepped in and saved me, he got frustrated and drove off without me.
Eventually he came back. He kept following me. He told me that I missed him and that he didn't understand why I would try to call the police because I love him. I yelled at him and told him he was pure evil and the only person that I have ever hated in my life. I flipped him off a couple times but he just laughed. He grabbed me in a hug and tried to kiss me.
The dream continued, but I can't remember the rest of it. Then my dad called (in real life) and woke me up so the dream ended.
Ugh, I left Home State in hopes that I would feel safer here. I did up until a couple days ago when I saw a truck awfully similar to his. It wasn't his truck and on second glance didn't even really look like his, but it still freaked me out. I had to do a double take but I was driving and that's not safe.
So, for those of you dealing with trauma, I'm sorry. I pray that you don't have days like this, though I know you probably do. I pray for justice for us, thought justice will never right the wrong that has been done. Most of all, I pray for peace.
In the days after the shooting at the night club in Orlando, I can't help but be sad with an understanding heart of how difficult PTSD is. My heart breaks for those that were killed, but my heart also breaks for those that witnessed it and the families that now how to figure out how to go about living after the evil committed that night. It sucks for those that were killed, but for those of us that are left living after a tragedy like this, it is harder. When you die, I'm not certain you know you are dead. I'm fairly certain you don't feel pain in the same capacity, hopefully not even at all. I don't know, I haven't died yet... Regardless, I know the pain of being one of the ones left to survive. Of course, I only know the pain I've felt and for the families and victims still living, their pain will be different and arguably worse in many respects.
For anyone who has suffered traumatic events or loss: I am sorry for your losses. Losses of loved ones, loss of life, loss of the sense of safety, loss of mental wellness (hopefully only temporary), loss of self (hopefully only temporary).
There was a hostage situation somewhere in Texas and the guy ended up getting shot and killed, as far as I know.
People need to chill out. Stop causing harm to others! Stop killing others! Stop attacking, assaulting, and otherwise fucking up other people's lives! Calm the fuck down. Everyone.
Until later... I pray I'll have good news next time I post.
That leads us to last night's nightmare...
I was being chased by exfiance and he found out the new place that I live. I managed to stay hidden from him, but he kept coming by my new house, ringing the doorbell, and knocking on all the windows. He followed me in exboyfriend's truck, actually. Why the cross between both assholes? I have no idea. Also, in my dream we were not actually at my new house but I was dreaming that I was living at one of my Uncle's houses in the country... Anyway, I was leaving my house trying to drive away, but that's when he actually saw me. He tracked me down and eventually I was running on foot. I called the cops and they wouldn't answer. I tried to get friends to keep him there so that I could call the cops, but every time I dialed 9-1-1 I pressed the wrong buttons or extra buttons or whatever. I couldn't call the police! He found out I was calling them and so he drove away, but not before he tried to take me with him. My new friends stepped in and saved me, he got frustrated and drove off without me.
Eventually he came back. He kept following me. He told me that I missed him and that he didn't understand why I would try to call the police because I love him. I yelled at him and told him he was pure evil and the only person that I have ever hated in my life. I flipped him off a couple times but he just laughed. He grabbed me in a hug and tried to kiss me.
The dream continued, but I can't remember the rest of it. Then my dad called (in real life) and woke me up so the dream ended.
Ugh, I left Home State in hopes that I would feel safer here. I did up until a couple days ago when I saw a truck awfully similar to his. It wasn't his truck and on second glance didn't even really look like his, but it still freaked me out. I had to do a double take but I was driving and that's not safe.
So, for those of you dealing with trauma, I'm sorry. I pray that you don't have days like this, though I know you probably do. I pray for justice for us, thought justice will never right the wrong that has been done. Most of all, I pray for peace.
In the days after the shooting at the night club in Orlando, I can't help but be sad with an understanding heart of how difficult PTSD is. My heart breaks for those that were killed, but my heart also breaks for those that witnessed it and the families that now how to figure out how to go about living after the evil committed that night. It sucks for those that were killed, but for those of us that are left living after a tragedy like this, it is harder. When you die, I'm not certain you know you are dead. I'm fairly certain you don't feel pain in the same capacity, hopefully not even at all. I don't know, I haven't died yet... Regardless, I know the pain of being one of the ones left to survive. Of course, I only know the pain I've felt and for the families and victims still living, their pain will be different and arguably worse in many respects.
For anyone who has suffered traumatic events or loss: I am sorry for your losses. Losses of loved ones, loss of life, loss of the sense of safety, loss of mental wellness (hopefully only temporary), loss of self (hopefully only temporary).
There was a hostage situation somewhere in Texas and the guy ended up getting shot and killed, as far as I know.
People need to chill out. Stop causing harm to others! Stop killing others! Stop attacking, assaulting, and otherwise fucking up other people's lives! Calm the fuck down. Everyone.
Until later... I pray I'll have good news next time I post.
Life As a New Grad Nurse...???
There are seasons in my life where everything seems to be going wrong. When I say "wrong" I mean, life suffocates me and it's all I can do to crawl to the bathroom in the event that I have to pee. I spend days in bed sleeping, don't need to eat, drinking something like water only happens to get down the pills, and I am paralyzed.
There are other seasons, where, for the first time in a very long time, I will have weeks of good days and I may be excited about life for awhile. Times when I see the fruition of the L-rd's work and I suddenly believe that life will work out and cooperate for a bit.
Then, there are days like today... My short bit of life right before and following graduation were wonderful. I was full of hope, some anxiety but it was more nervous excitement than true anxiety, I was able to smile, I felt lighter, I was graduating nursing school! I had a job! I was moving to Small Town and I'm getting away from the town that has produced nothing but pain for me the past year or two. I was leaving the boys that destroyed my sense of self and I would not have to worry about seeing their trucks on the road any longer. I don't have to worry about seeing them at a bar or when I go out to supper with friends. I don't have to be concerned that I'll bump into one of their friends when I go out bowling or to the grocery store. There was a light at the end of my deep, dark, looooooooong tunnel and I was nearing it!
I am nearer to the light, but it's gotten a bit dim today. I haven't started work and I've been down here for nearly two weeks. I've been graduated from nursing school for over a month and still no money coming in. Without work, I haven't been able to meet new people. A highlight in my day involves going to the grocery store across the street because they help every single customer out to their car so I get to talk to the person that helps me out. This is my socialization. I've spent time with my Mema and other family who is down here, but everyone seems to be so busy! They keep asking me how my license is coming and it's irritating to only be able to say that I'm still waiting on the board of nursing for the state. I JUST WANT TO START WORKING!!!
I go on vacation in about a week and a half and really want to work before I go on that vacation.
Through nursing school, everyone tells you how scary it is to wait to take the NCLEX. They tell you how scary it is waiting for the results. They tell you how hard the first year of nursing is, but they explain that it will still be rewarding and exciting.
Nobody tells you about the month or two in between nursing school and the NCLEX/working where life seems to stand still. It's a struggle if you do have a job because you are now college educated, working your college job... Or, you might be like me, who took a semester off of work for various reasons, and now you're waiting on the governmental agency to get their shit together so that you can begin your life!!! I'm going nuts!
Thing is, I've had so many friends text me disappointed about not having a job yet, not being able to work, being scared about how they will pay their bills, worried that they aren't good enough to be a nurse because the local hospitals won't hire them because of the mass influx in new grads, and we're all terrified. Nobody told us about this season of self-doubt, depression, anxiousness, feelings of failure, frustration at the system, and disappointment in ourselves for even feeling these things.
Most of us are having a terribly difficult time. I slept until 12:30 p.m. today and haven't left my bed yet because I have no motivation to do anything. I don't feel needed, I don't have friends to be able to see, I don't have money to be able to go do anything, and I can't see a purpose to get dressed or complete any task. Couple that with my nightmare I had last night (I'll tell you about it in my next post) and the flashbacks that are coming back in full force, I'm struggling. Now, I'm not as bad as I have been. This is the point where I can still turn my depressive episode around. All I have to do is find the energy and desire.
There are other seasons, where, for the first time in a very long time, I will have weeks of good days and I may be excited about life for awhile. Times when I see the fruition of the L-rd's work and I suddenly believe that life will work out and cooperate for a bit.
Then, there are days like today... My short bit of life right before and following graduation were wonderful. I was full of hope, some anxiety but it was more nervous excitement than true anxiety, I was able to smile, I felt lighter, I was graduating nursing school! I had a job! I was moving to Small Town and I'm getting away from the town that has produced nothing but pain for me the past year or two. I was leaving the boys that destroyed my sense of self and I would not have to worry about seeing their trucks on the road any longer. I don't have to worry about seeing them at a bar or when I go out to supper with friends. I don't have to be concerned that I'll bump into one of their friends when I go out bowling or to the grocery store. There was a light at the end of my deep, dark, looooooooong tunnel and I was nearing it!
I am nearer to the light, but it's gotten a bit dim today. I haven't started work and I've been down here for nearly two weeks. I've been graduated from nursing school for over a month and still no money coming in. Without work, I haven't been able to meet new people. A highlight in my day involves going to the grocery store across the street because they help every single customer out to their car so I get to talk to the person that helps me out. This is my socialization. I've spent time with my Mema and other family who is down here, but everyone seems to be so busy! They keep asking me how my license is coming and it's irritating to only be able to say that I'm still waiting on the board of nursing for the state. I JUST WANT TO START WORKING!!!
I go on vacation in about a week and a half and really want to work before I go on that vacation.
Through nursing school, everyone tells you how scary it is to wait to take the NCLEX. They tell you how scary it is waiting for the results. They tell you how hard the first year of nursing is, but they explain that it will still be rewarding and exciting.
Nobody tells you about the month or two in between nursing school and the NCLEX/working where life seems to stand still. It's a struggle if you do have a job because you are now college educated, working your college job... Or, you might be like me, who took a semester off of work for various reasons, and now you're waiting on the governmental agency to get their shit together so that you can begin your life!!! I'm going nuts!
Thing is, I've had so many friends text me disappointed about not having a job yet, not being able to work, being scared about how they will pay their bills, worried that they aren't good enough to be a nurse because the local hospitals won't hire them because of the mass influx in new grads, and we're all terrified. Nobody told us about this season of self-doubt, depression, anxiousness, feelings of failure, frustration at the system, and disappointment in ourselves for even feeling these things.
Most of us are having a terribly difficult time. I slept until 12:30 p.m. today and haven't left my bed yet because I have no motivation to do anything. I don't feel needed, I don't have friends to be able to see, I don't have money to be able to go do anything, and I can't see a purpose to get dressed or complete any task. Couple that with my nightmare I had last night (I'll tell you about it in my next post) and the flashbacks that are coming back in full force, I'm struggling. Now, I'm not as bad as I have been. This is the point where I can still turn my depressive episode around. All I have to do is find the energy and desire.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
***Probably Don't Want to Read This One***
*****This post is going to be all anger and some really bad language. Just don't read it if you don't want, it's going to be bad.*****
I hate sex. I hate it, I HATE IT, I HATE IT!!!
Yes, it is supposed to be some beautiful thing that brings about closeness in a relationship with your spouse and it results in babies occasionally.
You know what else it does? It ruins lives when forced upon someone.
Now, something that I was so excited to share with my husband and only my husband has been used to completely ruin my life and desecrate my body. It fucked up my brain and has utterly ruined my life.
I will never be okay.
Have I had sex? I don't know because I didn't choose to allow that to be done to my body!!!
Am I a virgin? I have no fucking clue because a penis has been in my vagina, but I DID NOT want it there!!!
I don't even know what I am. I don't know what I can be classified as. I don't know how to proceed to answer these seemingly simple questions because how to you answer when these things have been forced upon you?
Guys don't like the answer of "I don't know" to the question of if I've had sex or if I'm a virgin. Honestly, what the fuck am I supposed to say? How do I be honest and yet keep the pain from my past concealed for awhile longer?
I hate sex.
When i find a nice guy to simply talk to, it seems futile because they want sex because they've gotten it from other girls.
I hate sex.
I hate sex because it left my parents with me. Because of sex and some damn sperm finding my mom's egg, I'm here and they had to get married. Messed up life plans, stuck them together, and fucked it all up.
I hate sex.
I can't watch most movies, read many books, even drive down the street without flashbacks.
I hate sex.
I have nightmares and crying spells, even on my best days, because of some guys fucking penis being shoved into me.
I hate sex.
I HATE SEX!
I HATE SEX!!!
I hate sex. I hate it, I HATE IT, I HATE IT!!!
Yes, it is supposed to be some beautiful thing that brings about closeness in a relationship with your spouse and it results in babies occasionally.
You know what else it does? It ruins lives when forced upon someone.
Now, something that I was so excited to share with my husband and only my husband has been used to completely ruin my life and desecrate my body. It fucked up my brain and has utterly ruined my life.
I will never be okay.
Have I had sex? I don't know because I didn't choose to allow that to be done to my body!!!
Am I a virgin? I have no fucking clue because a penis has been in my vagina, but I DID NOT want it there!!!
I don't even know what I am. I don't know what I can be classified as. I don't know how to proceed to answer these seemingly simple questions because how to you answer when these things have been forced upon you?
Guys don't like the answer of "I don't know" to the question of if I've had sex or if I'm a virgin. Honestly, what the fuck am I supposed to say? How do I be honest and yet keep the pain from my past concealed for awhile longer?
I hate sex.
When i find a nice guy to simply talk to, it seems futile because they want sex because they've gotten it from other girls.
I hate sex.
I hate sex because it left my parents with me. Because of sex and some damn sperm finding my mom's egg, I'm here and they had to get married. Messed up life plans, stuck them together, and fucked it all up.
I hate sex.
I can't watch most movies, read many books, even drive down the street without flashbacks.
I hate sex.
I have nightmares and crying spells, even on my best days, because of some guys fucking penis being shoved into me.
I hate sex.
I HATE SEX!
I HATE SEX!!!
Thursday, March 17, 2016
The Wishes I'll Never See Fulfilled
There are days that you may wish you could go back and relive. There are times in your life that you wished you could go back and redo. There may be times that you wish you never had to live through.
Well, I wish I could go back 3 years ago and not live these past few years at all.
I know, this is a wish that will forever go unfulfilled. I was also told that this is not productive thought because of it's impossibility. It doesn't change the fact that I keep praying I wake up from my nightmare and take it as a life-lesson through sleep to never repeat it in actual life.
I want to go back to the days of college when I was so full of life, looking forward to the future, and excited at the amount of friends I had and the excitement I had when I was first accepted into the nursing program.
I was pure. I was hopeful. I had a whole world full of possibilities just waiting outside my door.
Today I am damage, beaten, weary, and waiting for the day when the Good L-rd decides to free me from my real-life nightmare.
It's hard today to not fall into my bad habits that have helped me to cope with my struggles thus far. However, I want to be able to wear short sleeves and a bikini when I go on my graduation trip with my family, so my physical coping methods are out of the picture. I probably couldn't drink enough to actually get anywhere in the way of numbing because it just shuts off the smart part of my brain and brings forward all of the terrible things I want a break from. Sleep doesn't help because from the time I lay down, through my sleep, and up until I begin my day, my head is filled with the worst things I couldn't even imagine I would have survived, but I did live through. Painting and coloring only get me so far before memories invade again.
I have no relief.
I could have gone for a walk, but it's dark now and I'm scared exfiance would be waiting outside my apartment.
I've had several friends tell me lately that I didn't seem like I was having a bad day, even though I had told them hours earlier over a text that I was having a really bad day. They tell me that I look fine and seem to be enjoying myself.
Well, I've been lying too long. I've gotten it down to a science and have a tendency to push everything out of my head in order to prevent telling those around me what has happened. I don't want to bring down the fun mood by spilling all of my dirty laundry for those who had no idea of my life's happenings before that point. For some, it is the first time they've ever met me. No need to bring them down with my internal scars.
Just for fun, let's go over my "checkered past," shall we?
I have:
No, I don't feel sorry for myself but I do wish these weren't my burdens to bear. Some are self-inflicted, and those have stopped. Those are also burdens I'm ashamed of, but I know that I caused them to myself so I can't blame anyone for those. However, it is hard most days to not drop back into those habits. Sometimes those bad things I did were the only thing to keep me grounded in the world, if even for a moment.
I know, I know! I'm not supposed to think like this! But some days I can't help it. I mean, c'mon! There has to be a break eventually, right? You would hope...
I don't foresee life getting much better for me. Oh, I pray that it does! But, honestly, sometimes I can be so far in the pit of despair that there is no way to see anything but the darkness overwhelming and engulfing me.
I just want to be put out of my misery. I've got no fight left.
Well, I wish I could go back 3 years ago and not live these past few years at all.
I know, this is a wish that will forever go unfulfilled. I was also told that this is not productive thought because of it's impossibility. It doesn't change the fact that I keep praying I wake up from my nightmare and take it as a life-lesson through sleep to never repeat it in actual life.
I want to go back to the days of college when I was so full of life, looking forward to the future, and excited at the amount of friends I had and the excitement I had when I was first accepted into the nursing program.
I was pure. I was hopeful. I had a whole world full of possibilities just waiting outside my door.
Today I am damage, beaten, weary, and waiting for the day when the Good L-rd decides to free me from my real-life nightmare.
It's hard today to not fall into my bad habits that have helped me to cope with my struggles thus far. However, I want to be able to wear short sleeves and a bikini when I go on my graduation trip with my family, so my physical coping methods are out of the picture. I probably couldn't drink enough to actually get anywhere in the way of numbing because it just shuts off the smart part of my brain and brings forward all of the terrible things I want a break from. Sleep doesn't help because from the time I lay down, through my sleep, and up until I begin my day, my head is filled with the worst things I couldn't even imagine I would have survived, but I did live through. Painting and coloring only get me so far before memories invade again.
I have no relief.
I could have gone for a walk, but it's dark now and I'm scared exfiance would be waiting outside my apartment.
I've had several friends tell me lately that I didn't seem like I was having a bad day, even though I had told them hours earlier over a text that I was having a really bad day. They tell me that I look fine and seem to be enjoying myself.
Well, I've been lying too long. I've gotten it down to a science and have a tendency to push everything out of my head in order to prevent telling those around me what has happened. I don't want to bring down the fun mood by spilling all of my dirty laundry for those who had no idea of my life's happenings before that point. For some, it is the first time they've ever met me. No need to bring them down with my internal scars.
Just for fun, let's go over my "checkered past," shall we?
I have:
- cut, scratched until I've bled, and other forms of self-harm (8th grade)
- attempted suicide 5 or more times (8th grade)
- avoided eating except for dinner every other few nights for a solid 6 months or so. I lost 25-30 pounds in a month or two (high school)
- lived through a friend's suicide
- been in 2, count them TWO! abusive relationships in the year of 2015 (I'm talking the beginning of January to the very end of December)
- relapsed into self-harm
- dealt with the unmedicated bipolar ramblings of various family members that typically result in me being blamed for their miserable lives, countless times
- gone through 3 different roommate situations that were very unhealthy and ridiculously stressful
- began drinking occasionally to calm my mind and pain temporarily
- been raped so many times I can't count them all
- been drug through the mud*, beaten beyond recognition*, damaged beyond repair*, and been so mentally tortured that I wished my previous suicide attempts could have stuck (*not really physical situation if they have the *, but the pain is similar, just lasts much longer)
No, I don't feel sorry for myself but I do wish these weren't my burdens to bear. Some are self-inflicted, and those have stopped. Those are also burdens I'm ashamed of, but I know that I caused them to myself so I can't blame anyone for those. However, it is hard most days to not drop back into those habits. Sometimes those bad things I did were the only thing to keep me grounded in the world, if even for a moment.
I know, I know! I'm not supposed to think like this! But some days I can't help it. I mean, c'mon! There has to be a break eventually, right? You would hope...
I don't foresee life getting much better for me. Oh, I pray that it does! But, honestly, sometimes I can be so far in the pit of despair that there is no way to see anything but the darkness overwhelming and engulfing me.
I just want to be put out of my misery. I've got no fight left.
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Ups and Downs
Roomie's boyfriend turns out to be pretty cool. I'm keeping my distance from everyone right now.
Brother got a 1 a.m. text from me freaking out because nobody is ever going to want me and my brain hates me so it's bringing up all of the terrible things from my past to show me, all at once, in an attempt to kill me slowly. It's not working.
I finished a bottle and a quarter of wine off today once I got home. I'm hoping I'll fall asleep soon.
I have homework but I honestly don't care because my brain isn't even working right now.
Counseling went about how I thought it was going to. Crying and increased flashbacks/nightmares are normal at this point. I'm normal. It's okay for me to be frustrated, but I made a lot of progress in a really short amount of time and now it's time to regress again.
Great.
I'm tired but I'm gonna go for a walk.
Brother got a 1 a.m. text from me freaking out because nobody is ever going to want me and my brain hates me so it's bringing up all of the terrible things from my past to show me, all at once, in an attempt to kill me slowly. It's not working.
I finished a bottle and a quarter of wine off today once I got home. I'm hoping I'll fall asleep soon.
I have homework but I honestly don't care because my brain isn't even working right now.
Counseling went about how I thought it was going to. Crying and increased flashbacks/nightmares are normal at this point. I'm normal. It's okay for me to be frustrated, but I made a lot of progress in a really short amount of time and now it's time to regress again.
Great.
I'm tired but I'm gonna go for a walk.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Let's be real for a second...
Something I found horrifying when I started nursing school, was that many nurses end up having substance abuse problems. As a new nursing student they teach you all the harm smoking, drinking, and other drugs can cause to a body. Good heavens, it seems like smoking is a risk factor for damn near every cancer, disease, and ailment known to man. Likewise, alcohol and street drugs (including marijuana, though that is debatably "street" depending on which state you're in...) are also risk factors for so many ailments that the three things cannot even be a test question because the answer would be "all of the above" or you'd have to select all options on a "select all that apply" question.
Learning these, and then hearing that nurses become dependent and/or abuse alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs (street and prescription) was absolutely shaking to my foundation. Keep in mind that I was under the legal drinking age and had not ever been drunk or had a drink for the first year and a half of nursing school and the whole year I spent on prereqs. That's about 2.5 years of college without drinking while those around me drank whether of age or underage.
I was also in a glorious little bubble where the hymns at church speaking of suffering meant that I suffered at the hands of friends ignoring me for a couple of days because they didn't like what I was wearing, or they happened to be PMS-ing that day and had it in them to focus all of their evil menstrual rage in my direction. This happens for males and females alike, don't worry.
As I went through more and more college, and became old enough to be "legal," it became acceptable for me to responsibly consume ethanol (drinking alcohol). You learn pretty quick that it calms down your mind, dancing is more fun (or actually possible with someone as uptight as I am), and life slows down and relaxes for a moment. Is this healthy? I think it is okay in moderation. The danger zone comes into effect when it is your daily routine, you have to drink in order to "wake up" in the morning, or you begin to use alcohol to get through anything you may be going through in life. These are excessive. Quite frankly, there is a very fine line between okay and absolutely not okay. It is even easier to cross over said line and take it to an unhealthy level.
It is frowned upon for anyone to smoke, let alone doctors/nurses/other healthcare professionals. However, if you talk to those who smoke, nicotine provides and instant period of relaxation. They can be having a mental breakdown or they could have experienced a hugely traumatic event and smoke a cigarette and then they can breathe and calm down for awhile. Do cigarettes have carcinogens, increase you risk of having a stroke, and cause powerful addiction talons to dig themselves into your life and drain the money and life right out of you? Yes, they probably do. However, keep in mind why people begin smoking in the first place. You don't know what life struggles they face and what kind of things have happened in their life collectively to bring them to the place they are now. This is difficult to remember when the 30 year smoker is demanding another nicotine patch after an hour of putting on the first one while they are also asking you (the nurse or health professional) for a cigarette.
Prescription drugs and "street drugs" can be seen similarly. They can provide a high and an escape from reality.
The thing with all of these substances is that they are very dangerous and problematic for those that use the substance. It doesn't matter if it is alcohol, tobacco, prescription drugs, street drugs, or any other type of mind altering substance. These things can be very dangerous and addicting. However, before you judge someone for smoking, drinking, or using, remember you don't know their story.
I have at least a triple threat of alcoholism and substance abuse because: 1) I am the daughter of an alcoholic and have a long, extensive family history of alcoholism, 2) I am going into nursing which is a terribly difficult career and lifestyle choice, and 3) I have been raped, sexually assaulted, and severely abused (mental, physical, sexual, and psychological [pretty much all of them]) for a year with boys and longer with others in my life that I will left unmentioned. I am also the daughter of a smoker with a long, extensive family history of smoking and other substance abuse.
I have the deck stacked against me. My mind never shuts off. Maybe some of you know what this is like, but I pray none of you do know this pain and the daily struggle of fighting through the constant noise in your head to just get out of bed and possibly get food or water each day. Don't even go into needing to be a sister, solid daughter that helps, a student, and the other various roles I've had to fill. I will admit to having the occasional margarita with friends after class, during happy hour. We are stressed, we are looking for opportunities to hang out and decrease some of our tension. This is enough to want to take some time and quiet our brains. Add in anything else (being a parent, having family/friend drama, trauma, abuse, and anything else) and you have exponentially increased the desire to have a drink and calm down.
It can be easy for anyone on this earth to feel stressed enough, at one point or another, to desire a way of release. Each person has a way they find that tension relief. All I ask is that you don't judge when people are under your care that have smoked, have a history of alcohol use, or a problem with using. Yes, these things are self-inflicted and they cause so many of the problems we see in hospitals. It is easy to blame a behavior instead of understanding the reasoning behind a person's behavior. Having been through what I've lived through, I have had my mind opened to being so much more understanding to those who use or have a history of using substances. Hell, some nights, the only thing that will shut my brain up for a solid 5 minutes is having a drink and appetizers with friends that I trust.
Don't get me wrong. I do not condone drinking and driving, smoking, using drugs, or getting prescriptions to fulfill a person's desire for prescription drugs. I am not supporting abusing substances in any way. I'm just saying, you don't know why someone started using. Chances are, they understand how bad their substance is for them, but you don't know what is going on in their life or what is happening in their head. My head is a constant "war zone" of sorts. I can't explain exactly what happens, but I have constant flashbacks of the guys that have hurt me, my friend committing suicide, the voice telling me I am unwanted/unlovable/worthy of death or lifelong solitude, and a myriad of other terrible experiences. In the world, you can use music or physically move to change your surroundings. When the bad things that happened to you are constantly replaying in your mind and dreams, you have no way of controlling the thoughts that bombard you whether you are awake or asleep.
You don't know the abuses, the pain, or the circumstances anyone has had to live you. You don't know. There is no way to actually be able to completely convey what a person has lived through.
My point: Please, just don't judge anyone.
Learning these, and then hearing that nurses become dependent and/or abuse alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs (street and prescription) was absolutely shaking to my foundation. Keep in mind that I was under the legal drinking age and had not ever been drunk or had a drink for the first year and a half of nursing school and the whole year I spent on prereqs. That's about 2.5 years of college without drinking while those around me drank whether of age or underage.
I was also in a glorious little bubble where the hymns at church speaking of suffering meant that I suffered at the hands of friends ignoring me for a couple of days because they didn't like what I was wearing, or they happened to be PMS-ing that day and had it in them to focus all of their evil menstrual rage in my direction. This happens for males and females alike, don't worry.
As I went through more and more college, and became old enough to be "legal," it became acceptable for me to responsibly consume ethanol (drinking alcohol). You learn pretty quick that it calms down your mind, dancing is more fun (or actually possible with someone as uptight as I am), and life slows down and relaxes for a moment. Is this healthy? I think it is okay in moderation. The danger zone comes into effect when it is your daily routine, you have to drink in order to "wake up" in the morning, or you begin to use alcohol to get through anything you may be going through in life. These are excessive. Quite frankly, there is a very fine line between okay and absolutely not okay. It is even easier to cross over said line and take it to an unhealthy level.
It is frowned upon for anyone to smoke, let alone doctors/nurses/other healthcare professionals. However, if you talk to those who smoke, nicotine provides and instant period of relaxation. They can be having a mental breakdown or they could have experienced a hugely traumatic event and smoke a cigarette and then they can breathe and calm down for awhile. Do cigarettes have carcinogens, increase you risk of having a stroke, and cause powerful addiction talons to dig themselves into your life and drain the money and life right out of you? Yes, they probably do. However, keep in mind why people begin smoking in the first place. You don't know what life struggles they face and what kind of things have happened in their life collectively to bring them to the place they are now. This is difficult to remember when the 30 year smoker is demanding another nicotine patch after an hour of putting on the first one while they are also asking you (the nurse or health professional) for a cigarette.
Prescription drugs and "street drugs" can be seen similarly. They can provide a high and an escape from reality.
The thing with all of these substances is that they are very dangerous and problematic for those that use the substance. It doesn't matter if it is alcohol, tobacco, prescription drugs, street drugs, or any other type of mind altering substance. These things can be very dangerous and addicting. However, before you judge someone for smoking, drinking, or using, remember you don't know their story.
I have at least a triple threat of alcoholism and substance abuse because: 1) I am the daughter of an alcoholic and have a long, extensive family history of alcoholism, 2) I am going into nursing which is a terribly difficult career and lifestyle choice, and 3) I have been raped, sexually assaulted, and severely abused (mental, physical, sexual, and psychological [pretty much all of them]) for a year with boys and longer with others in my life that I will left unmentioned. I am also the daughter of a smoker with a long, extensive family history of smoking and other substance abuse.
I have the deck stacked against me. My mind never shuts off. Maybe some of you know what this is like, but I pray none of you do know this pain and the daily struggle of fighting through the constant noise in your head to just get out of bed and possibly get food or water each day. Don't even go into needing to be a sister, solid daughter that helps, a student, and the other various roles I've had to fill. I will admit to having the occasional margarita with friends after class, during happy hour. We are stressed, we are looking for opportunities to hang out and decrease some of our tension. This is enough to want to take some time and quiet our brains. Add in anything else (being a parent, having family/friend drama, trauma, abuse, and anything else) and you have exponentially increased the desire to have a drink and calm down.
It can be easy for anyone on this earth to feel stressed enough, at one point or another, to desire a way of release. Each person has a way they find that tension relief. All I ask is that you don't judge when people are under your care that have smoked, have a history of alcohol use, or a problem with using. Yes, these things are self-inflicted and they cause so many of the problems we see in hospitals. It is easy to blame a behavior instead of understanding the reasoning behind a person's behavior. Having been through what I've lived through, I have had my mind opened to being so much more understanding to those who use or have a history of using substances. Hell, some nights, the only thing that will shut my brain up for a solid 5 minutes is having a drink and appetizers with friends that I trust.
Don't get me wrong. I do not condone drinking and driving, smoking, using drugs, or getting prescriptions to fulfill a person's desire for prescription drugs. I am not supporting abusing substances in any way. I'm just saying, you don't know why someone started using. Chances are, they understand how bad their substance is for them, but you don't know what is going on in their life or what is happening in their head. My head is a constant "war zone" of sorts. I can't explain exactly what happens, but I have constant flashbacks of the guys that have hurt me, my friend committing suicide, the voice telling me I am unwanted/unlovable/worthy of death or lifelong solitude, and a myriad of other terrible experiences. In the world, you can use music or physically move to change your surroundings. When the bad things that happened to you are constantly replaying in your mind and dreams, you have no way of controlling the thoughts that bombard you whether you are awake or asleep.
You don't know the abuses, the pain, or the circumstances anyone has had to live you. You don't know. There is no way to actually be able to completely convey what a person has lived through.
My point: Please, just don't judge anyone.
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Forgiveness?
I have found, in the past few years, it is easier to forgive others than it is to forgive myself.
I keep waking up with panic attacks because I feel like I have failed my future husband, G-d, and myself. I feel unlovable and ruined. The nightmares and flashbacks are becoming too much for me. I keep playing what has happened in the past year, over and over again in my head. I could have fought harder. I could have prevented so many problems by breaking up with these boys when I had originally wanted to, if only I had had the guts and the strength to do it. I am quite convinced that I have made too many mistakes to be able to have any kind of a future like the one that I wanted so badly.
I wanted a sweet guy, who waited for marriage before having sex. I don't deserve that anymore because I allowed my body to be used by guys other than my husband. I wanted to save my first kiss for my wedding day and I blew that on a guy who was 5 years older than me because I was feeling pressured and didn't stand up for myself the way I needed to. Granted, I have learned a lot, but at a steep price.
I have lost the little sanity I was born with, and I feel as though I've been trampled.
I keep going back and forth between wondering if what happened to me was my fault, or if I did all I needed to and was able to at the time, to protect myself and my purity.
I am downright disgusted with myself and the way I have turned out.
Counseling starts Tuesday but I'm scared that I won't be able to work out all that I need to in the time I have a counselor. Maybe light will be shed and it will show me that all of these things were my fault. Maybe it will prove to me that believing these guys had any control over their actions was futile and I deserve to be locked away.
My nausea is back full force and I've almost lost my stomach a few times today. I can't escape my life, especially in my dreams. I keep breaking down and sobbing because I feel as though I have no hope left in a future, let alone a happy future. Flashbacks are constant and no longer just intermittent. Nightmares are guaranteed every night once I finally fall asleep around 3-4 a.m. from exhaustion. But I was with panic attacks around 9-10 a.m.
My head hurts from the whiplash I give myself by believing everything was my fault and then knowing that I had no control over these guys. They had their talons in deep and made me believe I made them enter my body. That's what they've told me. I was told it was my fault because I didn't say "no" seriously enough. It doesn't matter that I repeatedly said it and tried to push them away.
I don't think I'll ever be able to sleep normally again. If I ever do get married, will sex even be enjoyable? Or will it be a source of too much pain that I push my husband away and avoid it all together?
Should I even hope that I find a husband? If I were a guy, I wouldn't want me. Especially if I were the guy that I wanted before I was ruined and I found a girl like how I am presently.
I am unworthy, broken, dirty, impure, unlovable, and completely damaged goods. Maybe this is the Adversary saying mean things to me, but it's believable.
Some days, I want to know what a jury would say. Would they say that I am making stories up so that I can hopefully clear my concience? Or would they understand that I am telling the truth and see that I never wanted any of this? Would they see the hours of being yelled at over the phone for not being willing to "try" sex because I was waiting for marriage, only to be fed drinks all night until I was unable to walk and puking? Would they say it was my fault because I wasn't smarter that night and I kept drinking? Would they believe him when he says I started it? Would they believe me that I had told him a million times I never wanted to, but then woke up next to him, completely naked, next to him in a hotel? Would they believe it was my fault? Is it my fault?
The dozens of times he came onto me after that and I said flat out "no" several times, but he still "went in", do those count in my favor or his? Were those my fault too? Does pushing him away but not being strong enough to actually be able to get him off of me count for him or me? Why does he believe all of these are my fault because he was "thinking with his penis"? Are they my fault?
Why was I allowed to be able to meet him? Why would the L-rd allow this to happen again? More than that, I don't believe it was G-d's fault, I believe I made so many foolish choices that this is all on me. I believe He cares for me and tries to protect me, but where was He all those nights? Was He watching when I tried my best to keep my pants on as these guys ripped them off? Or did He turn His head? I believe I was set apart for Him, but if I was, why was I not protected? Am I that bad that I was banished to be able to be used by any guy that just had a hankering to get his rocks off? Why is this supposed to be my fate? Why was I not allowed to die when I wanted to in the 8th grade? If I had been allowed to, I wouldn't have had to live through this. What did I do that this is justifiable punishment for my sins?
WHY ME??? What did I do?
I keep waking up with panic attacks because I feel like I have failed my future husband, G-d, and myself. I feel unlovable and ruined. The nightmares and flashbacks are becoming too much for me. I keep playing what has happened in the past year, over and over again in my head. I could have fought harder. I could have prevented so many problems by breaking up with these boys when I had originally wanted to, if only I had had the guts and the strength to do it. I am quite convinced that I have made too many mistakes to be able to have any kind of a future like the one that I wanted so badly.
I wanted a sweet guy, who waited for marriage before having sex. I don't deserve that anymore because I allowed my body to be used by guys other than my husband. I wanted to save my first kiss for my wedding day and I blew that on a guy who was 5 years older than me because I was feeling pressured and didn't stand up for myself the way I needed to. Granted, I have learned a lot, but at a steep price.
I have lost the little sanity I was born with, and I feel as though I've been trampled.
I keep going back and forth between wondering if what happened to me was my fault, or if I did all I needed to and was able to at the time, to protect myself and my purity.
I am downright disgusted with myself and the way I have turned out.
Counseling starts Tuesday but I'm scared that I won't be able to work out all that I need to in the time I have a counselor. Maybe light will be shed and it will show me that all of these things were my fault. Maybe it will prove to me that believing these guys had any control over their actions was futile and I deserve to be locked away.
My nausea is back full force and I've almost lost my stomach a few times today. I can't escape my life, especially in my dreams. I keep breaking down and sobbing because I feel as though I have no hope left in a future, let alone a happy future. Flashbacks are constant and no longer just intermittent. Nightmares are guaranteed every night once I finally fall asleep around 3-4 a.m. from exhaustion. But I was with panic attacks around 9-10 a.m.
My head hurts from the whiplash I give myself by believing everything was my fault and then knowing that I had no control over these guys. They had their talons in deep and made me believe I made them enter my body. That's what they've told me. I was told it was my fault because I didn't say "no" seriously enough. It doesn't matter that I repeatedly said it and tried to push them away.
I don't think I'll ever be able to sleep normally again. If I ever do get married, will sex even be enjoyable? Or will it be a source of too much pain that I push my husband away and avoid it all together?
Should I even hope that I find a husband? If I were a guy, I wouldn't want me. Especially if I were the guy that I wanted before I was ruined and I found a girl like how I am presently.
I am unworthy, broken, dirty, impure, unlovable, and completely damaged goods. Maybe this is the Adversary saying mean things to me, but it's believable.
Some days, I want to know what a jury would say. Would they say that I am making stories up so that I can hopefully clear my concience? Or would they understand that I am telling the truth and see that I never wanted any of this? Would they see the hours of being yelled at over the phone for not being willing to "try" sex because I was waiting for marriage, only to be fed drinks all night until I was unable to walk and puking? Would they say it was my fault because I wasn't smarter that night and I kept drinking? Would they believe him when he says I started it? Would they believe me that I had told him a million times I never wanted to, but then woke up next to him, completely naked, next to him in a hotel? Would they believe it was my fault? Is it my fault?
The dozens of times he came onto me after that and I said flat out "no" several times, but he still "went in", do those count in my favor or his? Were those my fault too? Does pushing him away but not being strong enough to actually be able to get him off of me count for him or me? Why does he believe all of these are my fault because he was "thinking with his penis"? Are they my fault?
Why was I allowed to be able to meet him? Why would the L-rd allow this to happen again? More than that, I don't believe it was G-d's fault, I believe I made so many foolish choices that this is all on me. I believe He cares for me and tries to protect me, but where was He all those nights? Was He watching when I tried my best to keep my pants on as these guys ripped them off? Or did He turn His head? I believe I was set apart for Him, but if I was, why was I not protected? Am I that bad that I was banished to be able to be used by any guy that just had a hankering to get his rocks off? Why is this supposed to be my fate? Why was I not allowed to die when I wanted to in the 8th grade? If I had been allowed to, I wouldn't have had to live through this. What did I do that this is justifiable punishment for my sins?
WHY ME??? What did I do?
Friday, November 6, 2015
It Was Supposed to Get Better
They said
it would go away. They said that, with time, the memory would grow fainter, the
nightmares would come way less frequently, and the flashbacks would cease. THEY lied. It’s been 6 months, I still
get nightmares, the memory still jumps into my head several times a day, and
the flashbacks occur multiple times a day and seem to be getting worse.
Also, talking with a person who was
raped over 11 years ago, it doesn’t go away. The nightmares creep back into
your nights so your relief from the memories you get bombarded with is no
longer able to help you. The sensitivity to dirty jokes, certain movie scenes,
and general situational depression turned chronic does not stop. None of these
things go away.
A family member of mine was gang
raped as a young child. After 4.5 decades, she still has nightmares and
problems with it.
This nonsense will never go away.
Why do victims get false hope
instilled by the professionals in charge of helping them through it and after
it? Now, I don’t think it is on purpose, but it sucks having the hope that we will
survive and potentially “get better” when in all reality, we will deal with
this for the rest of our lives.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Sleep Disturbances
Let's start off by discussing how precious sleep it so me. First of all, I sleep an absolutely ridiculous amount. This is because of depression, I work nights, and it is my drug of choice when life is getting too hard and I need to escape. Lately, life is very difficult, I worked last night, and depression is probably at an all time high and the longest duration I think I've ever had it in my life. Therefore, I require a lot of sleep.
Oh, an I'm in nursing school. If you are not in nursing school but plan to be, just know that some of your vacations will be spent sleeping because you get NONE during school, especially if you work and go to school and ever want to see any other human being while you are in the program. Get used to living with coffee running as the fluids in your vasculature, blood is now overrated.
Did I mention I worked last night? Before work, I typically sleep from noon until about 5:30 so that I can get sleep before work so I will not be dozing off during my shift. Seeing as I sit in a dark room with a patient I am trying to get to sleep, but I need to not sleep, this nap is crutial to me keeping my job! Yesterday I got to sleep around 2, slept for about an hour before getting woken up. Oh the rage. Words do injustice to the anger coursing through my body after being woken up. I get grumpy anyway when I'm woken up. HOwever, when I am woken up after it was incredibly difficult to fall asleep, and it took another 45 minutes to get me back to sleep in the middle of the day, I was furious. I was woken up so that the dog could come and jump on my bed because roommate does not like her being alone when she leaves. The dog is fine alone, we leave her completely alone for hours and hours during the day when we have stuff to do, she will be fine for a couple of hours while I sleep so that I can work.
Today I had to go run errands before coming home after my shift. I waited at both of the stores I needed to go to because I got to both of them before opening time because I got off at a terrible hour in the morning and nobody should be up that early. I tried for the rest of the day to lay down and take a nap after that, but I just couldn't do it. I finally got to sleep around 4 then the damned dog came in 30 minutes later whining to go out. Exasperation consumed every atom that makes up my being and I woke up to take the dog out. After 15 minutes of her sniffing around, she still hadn't gone to the bathroom at all! Oh my goodness! I was so beyond pissed. I brought her back in and told her to go to her kennel. So pissed!!! It took another 30 minutes to go back to bed (keep in mind I've been up for about 24 hours with no sleep and that makes me incredibly grumpy anyway) but having sleeping problems makes it worse. I get to sleep, stay asleep for about an hour and a half and wake up to roommate asking me to wake up to come pick up a bug she killed in her room. Yeah. I absolutely adore this girl, but the lack of sleep I'm getting is making my depression get exponentially worse by the hour and so my life is getting darker and gloomier by the moment. At this point, I am about to lose my shit because I was woken up from my very short nap to pick up a FUCKING BUG!
Please excuse the bad words, I need a little chesed (grace) because there is a lot of anger in my heart and the lack of sleep is contributing to the addition of more and more grumpiness as each day passes.
These two incidences, plus getting woken up because the dog starts barking and playing around when she gets home and the volume in the apartment raising to extremely high levels, typically once I am down for a much needed nap. In addition, being woken up at 0600 on my fucking days off so the dog can eat a treat on my bed and snuggle for a solid 3 seconds before roommate leaves, I am so beyond past my level of being ticked off. I'm also not supposed to sleep as much as required by my depression because seeing me only come out of my room to pee and eat occasionally, because I am sleeping the rest of the time, makes her worried and I made her cry because of that.
I need sleep! That's all I want. I want to sleep in a bed where the dog doesn't keep peeing in it. I want to sleep in on my days off when the apartment will be silent and I can maybe catch up on sleep without roommate worrying about me because she won't be there during the day. I want to sleep before work and know that I can get a decent nap in before work without getting woken up. I want to be able to sleep after my 12 hour long night shift because I am stressed and exhausted, without getting woken up by barking by an excited dog, barking and whining because the dog is bored and wants to go outside to sniff around, and other things that wake me up unnecessarily because I haven't slept in a very long time. ALL I WANT IS SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so at my whits end with life, it's just not even funny.
Add all of these things to the recurring nightmares and strange, vivid dreams I keep having about exboyfriend, Country Boy, and fiance and my life is getting very little sleep, let alone restful sleep.
Oh, an I'm in nursing school. If you are not in nursing school but plan to be, just know that some of your vacations will be spent sleeping because you get NONE during school, especially if you work and go to school and ever want to see any other human being while you are in the program. Get used to living with coffee running as the fluids in your vasculature, blood is now overrated.
Did I mention I worked last night? Before work, I typically sleep from noon until about 5:30 so that I can get sleep before work so I will not be dozing off during my shift. Seeing as I sit in a dark room with a patient I am trying to get to sleep, but I need to not sleep, this nap is crutial to me keeping my job! Yesterday I got to sleep around 2, slept for about an hour before getting woken up. Oh the rage. Words do injustice to the anger coursing through my body after being woken up. I get grumpy anyway when I'm woken up. HOwever, when I am woken up after it was incredibly difficult to fall asleep, and it took another 45 minutes to get me back to sleep in the middle of the day, I was furious. I was woken up so that the dog could come and jump on my bed because roommate does not like her being alone when she leaves. The dog is fine alone, we leave her completely alone for hours and hours during the day when we have stuff to do, she will be fine for a couple of hours while I sleep so that I can work.
Today I had to go run errands before coming home after my shift. I waited at both of the stores I needed to go to because I got to both of them before opening time because I got off at a terrible hour in the morning and nobody should be up that early. I tried for the rest of the day to lay down and take a nap after that, but I just couldn't do it. I finally got to sleep around 4 then the damned dog came in 30 minutes later whining to go out. Exasperation consumed every atom that makes up my being and I woke up to take the dog out. After 15 minutes of her sniffing around, she still hadn't gone to the bathroom at all! Oh my goodness! I was so beyond pissed. I brought her back in and told her to go to her kennel. So pissed!!! It took another 30 minutes to go back to bed (keep in mind I've been up for about 24 hours with no sleep and that makes me incredibly grumpy anyway) but having sleeping problems makes it worse. I get to sleep, stay asleep for about an hour and a half and wake up to roommate asking me to wake up to come pick up a bug she killed in her room. Yeah. I absolutely adore this girl, but the lack of sleep I'm getting is making my depression get exponentially worse by the hour and so my life is getting darker and gloomier by the moment. At this point, I am about to lose my shit because I was woken up from my very short nap to pick up a FUCKING BUG!
Please excuse the bad words, I need a little chesed (grace) because there is a lot of anger in my heart and the lack of sleep is contributing to the addition of more and more grumpiness as each day passes.
These two incidences, plus getting woken up because the dog starts barking and playing around when she gets home and the volume in the apartment raising to extremely high levels, typically once I am down for a much needed nap. In addition, being woken up at 0600 on my fucking days off so the dog can eat a treat on my bed and snuggle for a solid 3 seconds before roommate leaves, I am so beyond past my level of being ticked off. I'm also not supposed to sleep as much as required by my depression because seeing me only come out of my room to pee and eat occasionally, because I am sleeping the rest of the time, makes her worried and I made her cry because of that.
I need sleep! That's all I want. I want to sleep in a bed where the dog doesn't keep peeing in it. I want to sleep in on my days off when the apartment will be silent and I can maybe catch up on sleep without roommate worrying about me because she won't be there during the day. I want to sleep before work and know that I can get a decent nap in before work without getting woken up. I want to be able to sleep after my 12 hour long night shift because I am stressed and exhausted, without getting woken up by barking by an excited dog, barking and whining because the dog is bored and wants to go outside to sniff around, and other things that wake me up unnecessarily because I haven't slept in a very long time. ALL I WANT IS SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so at my whits end with life, it's just not even funny.
Add all of these things to the recurring nightmares and strange, vivid dreams I keep having about exboyfriend, Country Boy, and fiance and my life is getting very little sleep, let alone restful sleep.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Studying Abroad?
I recently received an email from my university offering a get-together for those students who want to study abroad. I never thought of myself as someone who wanted to go see the world because I am much too scared of people/travel/kidnappers/murderers/life, but lately I have been wanting to move to Switzerland, New Zealand, Australia, Ireland, Iceland, or some other country once I graduate nursing school, of course. Being a midwife in another country appeals to me because there are so many places that are pro-midwife and don't require stupid immunizations. Now, I know there is a big push for immunizations because they stop disease and prevent unnecessary death and everything, but I don't agree with it being mandatory for everyone. I really don't agree with the preservatives, ingredients, and the excessive amounts of vaccines they are shoving down our throats. I want to go somewhere where the citizens are wanting to live healthier lives, they are encouraged to take health into their own hands using homeopathic remedies instead of chemicals for every sniffle and spot they find whether it is harmful or not. I want to deliver babies in a fashion that resembles the beauty of the old-school method that doesn't require a C-Section or doctors bullying their patients into drugs and surgeries for normal labor and delivery. I need an island by myself because this dream I have is likely unrealistic and I don't know what I'm thinking...
Anyway, I would really love to study in Ireland, New Zealand, Switzerland, or Israel for a summer. Unfortunately, they have no nursing studies, but I could try to go under pre-health and get an internship somewhere. Also, there are no available studies in Israel that I could find! They weren't even on the list, but Hebrew and Jewish studies were on the list. Maybe I will just have to go there on a missions trip instead. The bigger problem with this whole idea) bigger than my fear of everything) is the lack of funding. Not only do I have to find enough money to go on the trip and pay for all related expenses to that, I would need to save up enough money for double my trip time for bills back at home and missed work days. That, my friends, is something they don't tell you you have to save for with these things. So, it possible doubles my fundraising needs just to go somewhere else to attend school for a month. Good news is that it would be about 7-9 credits for 4-6 weeks of school. Is that worth it though? I can take 2 of the week-long interim classes and receive 6 credits for cheaper expenses and less risk of getting kidnapped in a strange country... However, I don't get to see the world. Do I really even want to see the world? My whole thing with traveling is this: Why spend thousands of dollars to go somewhere in the world to look at a tower, temple, museum, etc. when there are pictures and virtual tours? If I go on vacation or travel, I want to go somewhere with a beach; really tasty, kosher, lactose-free food; and super nice people that, at the very least, understand/speak basic English or will teach me their language. I need the traveling to/from that location to be safe and I actually need a really strong, tall, protective husband before I am even comfortable going anywhere else in the world. I saw Taken, and let's be real, I won't survive if I get kidnapped, I'm not strong enough.
School is overwhelming. Pharmacology is kicking my bum and I'm only on the second week of it. However, I believe that G-d will get me through so that I never have to take it again, so long as I work hard and trust Him to fill in all my gaps.
Daily Thanksgiving: work went really well today and I got to answer a lot of questions. It was a slight confidence boost for my IT job. I get to go to church tomorrow night at a college group which I am super excited about. G-d may allow me to study abroad, which would be really fun and exciting and totally out of my norm.
Anyway, I would really love to study in Ireland, New Zealand, Switzerland, or Israel for a summer. Unfortunately, they have no nursing studies, but I could try to go under pre-health and get an internship somewhere. Also, there are no available studies in Israel that I could find! They weren't even on the list, but Hebrew and Jewish studies were on the list. Maybe I will just have to go there on a missions trip instead. The bigger problem with this whole idea) bigger than my fear of everything) is the lack of funding. Not only do I have to find enough money to go on the trip and pay for all related expenses to that, I would need to save up enough money for double my trip time for bills back at home and missed work days. That, my friends, is something they don't tell you you have to save for with these things. So, it possible doubles my fundraising needs just to go somewhere else to attend school for a month. Good news is that it would be about 7-9 credits for 4-6 weeks of school. Is that worth it though? I can take 2 of the week-long interim classes and receive 6 credits for cheaper expenses and less risk of getting kidnapped in a strange country... However, I don't get to see the world. Do I really even want to see the world? My whole thing with traveling is this: Why spend thousands of dollars to go somewhere in the world to look at a tower, temple, museum, etc. when there are pictures and virtual tours? If I go on vacation or travel, I want to go somewhere with a beach; really tasty, kosher, lactose-free food; and super nice people that, at the very least, understand/speak basic English or will teach me their language. I need the traveling to/from that location to be safe and I actually need a really strong, tall, protective husband before I am even comfortable going anywhere else in the world. I saw Taken, and let's be real, I won't survive if I get kidnapped, I'm not strong enough.
School is overwhelming. Pharmacology is kicking my bum and I'm only on the second week of it. However, I believe that G-d will get me through so that I never have to take it again, so long as I work hard and trust Him to fill in all my gaps.
Daily Thanksgiving: work went really well today and I got to answer a lot of questions. It was a slight confidence boost for my IT job. I get to go to church tomorrow night at a college group which I am super excited about. G-d may allow me to study abroad, which would be really fun and exciting and totally out of my norm.
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