Bad Dreams

I know that when I am stressed, my depression is exacerbated and nightmares are expected. This is fairly common among all people because dreaming is a way for your brain to process various life circumstances.

That leads us to last night's nightmare...

I was being chased by exfiance and he found out the new place that I live. I managed to stay hidden from him, but he kept coming by my new house, ringing the doorbell, and knocking on all the windows. He followed me in exboyfriend's truck, actually. Why the cross between both assholes? I have no idea. Also, in my dream we were not actually at my new house but I was dreaming that I was living at one of my Uncle's houses in the country... Anyway, I was leaving my house trying to drive away, but that's when he actually saw me. He tracked me down and eventually I was running on foot. I called the cops and they wouldn't answer. I tried to get friends to keep him there so that I could call the cops, but every time I dialed 9-1-1 I pressed the wrong buttons or extra buttons or whatever. I couldn't call the police! He found out I was calling them and so he drove away, but not before he tried to take me with him. My new friends stepped in and saved me, he got frustrated and drove off without me.

Eventually he came back. He kept following me. He told me that I missed him and that he didn't understand why I would try to call the police because I love him. I yelled at him and told him he was pure evil and the only person that I have ever hated in my life. I flipped him off a couple times but he just laughed. He grabbed me in a hug and tried to kiss me.

The dream continued, but I can't remember the rest of it. Then my dad called (in real life) and woke me up so the dream ended.



Ugh, I left Home State in hopes that I would feel safer here. I did up until a couple days ago when I saw a truck awfully similar to his. It wasn't his truck and on second glance didn't even really look like his, but it still freaked me out. I had to do a double take but I was driving and that's not safe.

So, for those of you dealing with trauma, I'm sorry. I pray that you don't have days like this, though I know you probably do. I pray for justice for us, thought justice will never right the wrong that has been done. Most of all, I pray for peace.

In the days after the shooting at the night club in Orlando, I can't help but be sad with an understanding heart of how difficult PTSD is. My heart breaks for those that were killed, but my heart also breaks for those that witnessed it and the families that now how to figure out how to go about living after the evil committed that night. It sucks for those that were killed, but for those of us that are left living after a tragedy like this, it is harder. When you die, I'm not certain you know you are dead. I'm fairly certain you don't feel pain in the same capacity, hopefully not even at all. I don't know, I haven't died yet... Regardless, I know the pain of being one of the ones left to survive. Of course, I only know the pain I've felt and for the families and victims still living, their pain will be different and arguably worse in many respects.

For anyone who has suffered traumatic events or loss: I am sorry for your losses. Losses of loved ones, loss of life, loss of the sense of safety, loss of mental wellness (hopefully only temporary), loss of self (hopefully only temporary).

There was a hostage situation somewhere in Texas and the guy ended up getting shot and killed, as far as I know.

People need to chill out. Stop causing harm to others! Stop killing others! Stop attacking, assaulting, and otherwise fucking up other people's lives! Calm the fuck down. Everyone.

Until later... I pray I'll have good news next time I post.

Daylight Savings, Again

Stupid Daylight Savings Day was trying to throw me off. Too bad for it, I'm exhausted from my battles with insomnia, flashbacks, and anger. Ha! You can go try to mess with someone else Daylight Savings.

Next week is spring break. This week was not supposed to have much going on for school.

Roomie's boyfriend is coming into town for a week... tonight. She should be back any moment from the airport with him. I don't handle strangers well. I handle strangers in my place of residence even more poorly. I'll probably go up to visit my parents for a couple days this week. I guess we'll see because Dad is upset with me again.

I "ditched" class today because we had a guest speaker and my brain is in no way prepared to be able to learn anything because my sleeping is getting worse, my nightmares and flashbacks are getting worse, and my attention span is shorter than it's ever been. I have no mental faculties. I was getting better but last weeks fiascoes set me back about 2 months of progress and put me back even farther than I was when I had not even begun counseling yet.

I was told that a friend admires my ability to blow life stressors off. Well, y'all know the truth about my thoughts, I just don't keep harping on things when around her so as to not stress her out or bore her to death. It's also probably not healthy that I blow everything off. My counselor tells me I'm really good at dissociation which is a fancy way of saying that I get into auto pilot when I become stressed because I no longer have any ability to deal with stress. I've been maxed out for my little brain's threshold of bad things happening so any type of stress shuts ME off and I don't know where I go, but I'm not in my right mind.

I asked my friend what she meant by saying that blowing things off was a good thing. She said she wished she could do it because she feels like she becomes too emotional. Well, I don't have emotions anymore. Honestly, it's a good day if I can start crying when I become overwhelmed instead of going about life numb. She doesn't understand but I decided to take it as a compliment and know in my brain how dangerous her comment was. She meant it as a good thing, but I know that it is because I'm sick and my brain is messed up. That'll be our secret. Yes, this friend knows about what happened with the guys and she knows I'm seeing a counselor. However, those who do not live this life do not have any way of understanding the struggles and dangers I'm facing.

Counseling is tomorrow. I'm going back numb. Counselor is going to say that it's normal to go back in steps. She's going to tell me it's okay and that I'm getting out of the numbness and other steps faster than I have before. I'm still frustrated that I had to go back. I am frustrated that I'll never be okay, I'll never be fixed.

Lately I keep noticing couples around me. I know that I'm not ready for a relationship. I know that the last two ended horribly and I'm now messed up for the rest of my life because of them. However, I'm getting discouraged because all I wanted was a prospect of a future with a possible husband and potential children. Lately my future looks bleak. I know these are negative self-thoughts and I'm supposed to work away from these. I've gotten tools to try to help me fight these bad thoughts. However, they seem totally rational and understandable to me. I know they are negative, but they feel so real. Who is anyone to tell me that my life will have a happy ending? Who's to say that there will be some guy, someday, that will treat me with respect and forgive me for my checkered past? I'm pretty certain I wouldn't believe it if an angel of the Almighty were to come to me and show me a vision of a happy future for my life with a great guy and children. I just don't believe it and it's okay. I don't want to be told otherwise. My brain will cycle through and eventually have hope for a short amount of time, but for right now my brain is angry and hurt and overwhelmed with negativity.

A Better Day

I've been going to the same church for about a month and a half now. I am really starting to enjoy it too. Still, I haven't plugged in and I don't really know anyone because 1) I'm shy, 2) I don't know how to make friends... 3) it's a large church. Last night they made an alter call for anyone who needed prayer. G-d laid it on my heart and I went up. He even showed me who to go to.

I went up and my problems just spilled out of my mouth as tears started streaming down my face. The lady I had been shown prayed with me and even invited me out for brunch this morning. G-d is really using this woman to help me tremendously. She has spoken over my life and G-d has reassured my heart. I know I will still have "bad days," but my current stretch of struggling has subsided. She has also given me some more resources and has given me ideas for new young adult groups both on campus and at the church. She also knows one of the teachers at my nursing school and she is going to get me in touch with her in case I need prayer at school or just to have someone else that I can get help with for nursing school. Furthermore, (I'm not a fan of that word, but it fit...) she told me how to get started in childcare at the church!!! Oh my goodness I miss my babies. I think I'm addicted to the oxytocin, but is that really a bad thing?

So, I feel much better. It's only been a day, so time will tell, but I have a devotional book and a new friend with daughters my age.

My brother introduced coffee with hazelnut creamer to me. Ya, that's a problem.

Off to work. I'll let you know how it goes. I am planning on talking to my manager about transferring or quitting today. It's a new development that occurred just this week at my meeting with my nursing school mentor (the other nursing student that is a year ahead of me in the program.) She told me that I seemed miserable and depressed at my CNA job. I knew that I disliked my job and that it stressed me out to no end, but I hadn't considered quitting until I talked to my mom. G-d has allowed for me to get extra loans so that I can financially be secure if I quit. So, I discussed it with my mom and my dad and I know that I can't take much more of this nonsense at work, so I think I'm just going to quit. Then, I'll have more time to study, my cortisol (stress hormone) levels will hopefully decrease, and maybe I can even get better grades. I really want to get A's this semester, but that's going to take a miracle, even with my decreased work load.


BTW, I drank two cups of coffee with that delicious creamer and it's making me need to pee every 5 minutes. Those 2 cups were a bad idea because this is super inconvenient... Forgive me for the TMI but my brother is gone and I and hopped up on coffee with no one to talk to. (I know that doesn't make the most sense grammatically, but my brain is kinda going nuts right now.)

Do I whine too much?

After a short, but ridiculously stressful day, I came home to study. I am worked up over stress at school and after lunch with a friend, I am frustrated with life. My brother (whom I live with) asked me what was wrong so I rattled off my "problems." At the end I realized that I do a whole lot of complaining. I mention this and he agreed. I don't understand the difference between venting, whining, and complaining. For most of my problems, I have solutions and work to make the situation better. More increasingly, however, is the number of problems I encounter with no solution, I just have to suck it up and deal with it. How do I stop complaining/whining/stressing about things that I cannot change and that really don't matter? Should I learn to cope with them myself or is it actually helping me to talk it out with people? I don't know what to do. So, do you guys think I whine too much? Be honest, I'm stronger than I seem on here. Actually, this is the one place where I am almost completely honest about the inner-workings of myself (except when HIPAA needs to be protected/enforced... not really sure how to word that... I am HIPAA compliant).

Tiny Rant

First of all, tomorrow is the only thing standing between me and the last two weeks of my first year of college!!! It's crazy to think that I'm already here because this year went by in a blur of insanity. But, G-d has brought me through to this point and I am very glad for it. Now, I just need Him to get me through finals and, L-rd willing, bring up my grades.

Rant: Also, today was the first day we could register for the HESI which is good and bad. The good news is that I remembered and there are spots open in the location closest to my house. Bad news is that I am broke and the test was supposed to be $65, now it's $90! I know! What on earth is going on here!?! I don't have that kind of money. I don't really have any money right now because I have to pay car insurance, buy my microbio book, groceries, gas, and a bunch of other stuff. So, I can't even register and hold my spot until I get nearly one hundred dollars into my bank account. Hopefully there will still be a spot open for me on a day that will work with my summer work and school schedule. The end.

I found out a couple days ago that I get one week off for summer break. That's it. Thankfully, G-d orchestrated everything so that my brother's graduation from high school is during that week so I can go and see him walk across the stage and get his diploma. But after that it is school and work all summer, just to take a week-long intensive interim course before legit fall courses begin. If I wasn't taking the interim class, I would have another week long break at the end of micro, but I'm trying to be an achiever (because I'm not an over-achiever by anyone's standards).

The snow is still coming down. It's even getting cold enough outside that the snow is starting to stick on the sidewalks, but it's just slush right now because of the water left from when it was warmer today. Slush is so incredibly hazardous for the accident prone people like me, my goodness! I think I just need to be strapped to the floor in a padded room for the rest of my life to prevent anymore accidents, injuries, or problems. It seems like I can just breathe and cause problems.

Psych was also pretty interesting today. We talked about stress and took a couple self-tests/survey things. I learned that I am a 10/17 on the type A scale (I am kinda type A) and I also scored a fifty-something (out of 70) on the procrastination scale... So, these tests just confirmed that I procrastinate, a LOT. But I didn't know I was a type A person! That kinda got me down in the dumps a little, but whatever, I can change. I plan on changing both things actually so that I don't procrastinate as much, to hopefully lead to better grades, and also so that I am not so uptight and type A. Changing these two things should help with stress, and hopefully anxiety and depression as well. The only way I can change though is if G-d changes me. I've tried doing it by myself and I can't do it, I only make the whole situation worse.

Daily Thanksgiving: G-d has brought me to the near end of my first year of college! He has also kept me safe from major injury for most of my life, regardless of slush on the sidewalks or my foolish decisions in entertainment. I get paid this Friday, so hopefully I can pay for the HESI. Psych is awesome and I love my teacher in that class. I actually like all of my teachers. G-d has allowed me to get into micro at a different school, without jumping through too many hoops, and now I'm able to take that over the summer!

No Snow, Snow Day

Today campus was closed for a second snow day this year! Here's the kicker though, we barely have a centimeter of snow! I think they closed school because of the high wind, but it still seems silly to not have terrible amounts of snow but to still call it a snow day. Whatever! I love that I got my homework done in advance and didn't have to go to class. Unfortunately, it means that I have to make up my anatomy lab, but that probably won't be too bad.

Three tests next week, a paper, and a chem quiz. Plus I have an interview for a scholarship tomorrow and a chem lab quiz on Thursday, but it's really more of a test. The following week, I have one more test, and then the last stretch of school before finals! I am so ready to be done with school, I can't hardly believe I'm almost done with my first year of college. It has been crazy, but so fun and definitely worth all the stress, tears, and struggles. L-rd willing, I will still be saying college was worth it when I graduate in about 3 years.

Also,  since I didn't get the RA job, I was stressing out about where to live and who I could room with. Yesterday, my friend that I used to be in a dorm suite with asked if I wanted to live with her! I'm super excited because we got along, we know how to live with each other and she is not someone who is constantly up in my business. She pushes me to do better with people, not procrastinate, and also pushes me to be more athletic (but I am finally starting to enjoy it on my own anyway). Hopefully we can find an apartment that we can afford and L-rd willing we will have a good year next year.

On a totally un-related note, I have decided to do the stair hike again this Saturday. Yes, I will think this is a bad decision again when I show up, but I really enjoy the feeling I have when I get to the top and I need to be able to climb it in under an hour. I am bound and determined to be able to climb this thing close to 30 or 45 minutes by the end of summer. That means practicing at the gym and every Saturday I possibly can.

My love life: Who are we kidding, I don't have a love life.

Daily Thanksgiving: I got a snow day! I was super productive with homework, laundry and straightening my dorm room. I now have a roommate for next year and school is almost done for the year. Also, I got into the community college so that I can take microbio over the summer and drop a 17 credit hour semester down to 13!!! Today, I have so much to be thankful for. Everyday we have so much to be thankful for, today I just have a huge list that is coming to mind.

My tip of the day for nursing school: Look at your necessary classes for your degree early on and plan which classes to take during the summer. If your school offers interim classes that give you 3 credit hours for one week of intense schooling, definitely do it! If you can take summer courses and whittle away at your heavier semesters, definitely do it! Anything to take less classes in one semester is best so that you can study more and keep your grades up without going insane. Trust me, you will go insane anyways, but it's all worth it.