I recently discovered the world of Marvel movies. They are full of adventure, superpowers, flirting, showing off, and humor. Of course guys (and gals) like these movies! The characters, especially the superheroes, are witty, confident, and seem to always show up at the right time with the ability to save the day. Then, in the end, they get the really cool girl that they've been flirting with for a good majority of the movie. Sometimes they meet this girl and begin to "fight", showing that she is independent and strong. But, she eventually sees his side and begins to follow his lead.
Contrast that to Disney princess movies that are now being made with live action technology where these princesses are portraying the stories many already know: Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Snow White, and all the rest. The princess plays this strong, independent lady who is being oppressed by the world around her. She overcomes many obstacles, shows herself to be strong and lovely. Then she is transformed into this person that everyone wants to know and she ends up with the guy of her dreams who adores her with all he is and he treats her like the princess/queen she is.
Now, look at these types of movies next to the data that has been collected and analyzed by Shaunti Feldhahn (For Women Only/For Men Only), Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs (Love and Respect), Chad Eastham (Guys Are Waffles, Girls Are Spaghetti/Guys Like Girls Who...), and countless others. I don't know about you, but I see the common pattern pointed out in the books being played out in the movies. Guys watch movies about guys who are strong, leaders, respected, fighting against the evil in the world (and winning). Inevitably, there is a girl there who adores him and respects his role in everything. Looking, then, at princess and romance movies, we see strong girls who are adored by guys for her independence and strength. She finds a source of stability, protection, and love. She proves herself throughout the movie and he, the prince, falls madly in love with her, treats her with respect and absolute adoration, and they proceed to live happily ever after.
Friends, these probably aren't huge revelations to you, but the connect between movie audiences and Disney/Marvel was a new one for me. I watch the cartoon Disney movies because they are usually "wholesome", not trigger happy movies, and they have fund songs. I discovered Marvel movies because we talked about Thor at church last week and I've seen little things about Groot. I wanted to see why everyone adored him so much. So, in the spirit of research, I got part way through Thor before the scary lava guy made me too nervous. So I tried Guardians of the Galaxy and in the second one, little Groot is dancing all around as everyone of his friends is fighting for their lives! I laid in bed, falling asleep, but laughed because some days I feel like the fighters and some days I feel like little, baby Groot with chaos all around and I'm just in my own world, dancing to the happy music.
I think these connections are important, especially when talking about marriage. Obviously, that is why Shaunti, Dr. Eggerichs (and his wife and daughter! [she worked on Love and Respect (Now) and she's hilarious!]), Chad, and so many other talk about these things in relation to marriage/dating. These wonderful people use data, based on thousands of surveys, to help women and men understand each other and how to relate to the opposite sex better. Directors and authors (even fiction) have been focusing on these differences for centuries, but I am so grateful for the people who have worked so hard to bring us the data along with whys and how to help us relate to each other. I've learned so much.
If you guys get a chance, visit the websites of the authors above and read their books. I think it'll bring some light to the mysteries between genders.
Friday, June 29, 2018
Wednesday, June 27, 2018
In Seasons of Silence
It's been a real struggle for me to know whether I'm hearing the voice of G-d. I find it next to impossible to distinguish when the voice is mine or His.
I feel like I can hear Him at times, loud and clear. While other times He is a bit more faint, like a whisper's whisper. Then, still other times, it seems as though He peaces out and goes radio silent for weeks, or months! I often have themes, through the week, and sometimes that seems as though it's His planning. But other times, it seems as though these themes have nothing to do with Him, or they disappear all together.
Maybe I read too much into nothing. Maybe I'm so impatient that He is talking, but takes breaks. Maybe I'm not in the Word enough, not praying enough, not listening to Him enough. Maybe I'm crazy and none of this is right.
I Googled (I know, ridiculous) "how to know you're hearing G-d's voice. It brought up results with lists. You know the kinds of lists that say: "5 steps to know it's G-d" or "8 ways to prove it was Him talking to you" or whatever else. They're along those lines as: "7 simple steps to get your crush to fall in love with you" or "18.34 steps to make sure they're 'the one'".
The information in these lists were mostly correct, but so very basic. Make sure the voice is saying things that line up with scripture, ask your G-dly mentors if what was said sounds solid, etc. etc. etc.
I think the problem here is that I'm looking for some breakthrough from Google. I'm searching for some type of validation and awe-inspiring revelation from an internet browser that also provides people with search results for porn, drug deals, prostitution, gambling, clothing sales, and tech advice. In my defense, I tried going to the One who is supposed to provide the answers but if I can't hear His voice then how am I supposed to get an answer?
I don't know what I'm doing wrong or what I'm not doing. There was such a "breakthrough" and then nothing. Maybe I'm just trying to do too much on my own accord. Maybe I'm supposed to struggle for awhile. Maybe I've fallen out of G-d's will. Maybe I'm my own worst enemy or maybe, just maybe, I'm truly alone in this season.
I feel like I can hear Him at times, loud and clear. While other times He is a bit more faint, like a whisper's whisper. Then, still other times, it seems as though He peaces out and goes radio silent for weeks, or months! I often have themes, through the week, and sometimes that seems as though it's His planning. But other times, it seems as though these themes have nothing to do with Him, or they disappear all together.
Maybe I read too much into nothing. Maybe I'm so impatient that He is talking, but takes breaks. Maybe I'm not in the Word enough, not praying enough, not listening to Him enough. Maybe I'm crazy and none of this is right.
I Googled (I know, ridiculous) "how to know you're hearing G-d's voice. It brought up results with lists. You know the kinds of lists that say: "5 steps to know it's G-d" or "8 ways to prove it was Him talking to you" or whatever else. They're along those lines as: "7 simple steps to get your crush to fall in love with you" or "18.34 steps to make sure they're 'the one'".
The information in these lists were mostly correct, but so very basic. Make sure the voice is saying things that line up with scripture, ask your G-dly mentors if what was said sounds solid, etc. etc. etc.
I think the problem here is that I'm looking for some breakthrough from Google. I'm searching for some type of validation and awe-inspiring revelation from an internet browser that also provides people with search results for porn, drug deals, prostitution, gambling, clothing sales, and tech advice. In my defense, I tried going to the One who is supposed to provide the answers but if I can't hear His voice then how am I supposed to get an answer?
I don't know what I'm doing wrong or what I'm not doing. There was such a "breakthrough" and then nothing. Maybe I'm just trying to do too much on my own accord. Maybe I'm supposed to struggle for awhile. Maybe I've fallen out of G-d's will. Maybe I'm my own worst enemy or maybe, just maybe, I'm truly alone in this season.
Leadership
Whatever job you have, movies you watch, organization you belong to, or family you are in, there is a leader. Sometimes it's you. Sometimes the leader is someone else. Sometimes you share the responsibility or you lead while being under another person's guidance.
You get the point.
Today I started thinking about some stuff. I know, sketchy situation, but it happened.
I was Googling conferences and retreats to go to, when I started thinking about the various conferences and retreats I've been to.
There is a leader who has the idea. They enlist the help of others to help get this idea off the ground. Those people then begin to pick subjects, dates, locations, and the millions of other details that go into such an event. The speakers start to carefully choose the subject matter and words they want to use, and work it over and over until it's "just right".
All of this to say that I feel woefully unprepared to be a leader. I don't feel like I can be a leader for a bible study (the one that I am presently doing). Nor do I feel that I could lead at a church, or at work, or anywhere else. I feel unprepared and subpar.
The thing that I have learned about leaders is that they have often walked some rough roads and learned some really difficult lessons. This isn't always the case, but occurs often. Good leaders need to be able to listen to and respect those they are called to lead. This helps them to be effective and *usually* respected. Leaders typically have some type of wonderful lessons that they teach others, whether on purpose or inadvertently.
We look to leaders to know what to do. To burden the responsibility of decision making so that we can carry out orders without bad outcomes being our fault. We want reassurance or gentle guidance to help us in our quest to fulfill our goals. We want someone to give us tasks to complete in order to help us feel like we have purpose and meaning in what we are doing.
We want someone to have the idea, to carry out a great deal of legwork, and then to present to us an idea that is interesting to us, so that we can partake of the benefits. I do it. I want someone to research the things I am interested in, put it in a pleasing format, and then provide me with the invitation to decide whether I want to hear the info or not. (i.e. Invitations to conferences, with speakers talking on subjects they have studied for years that have piqued my interest. But I want the choice to say no.)
The problem here, and the reason I am writing this post is because I feel people keep shoving me into "leadership" kinds of positions. Sometimes I shove myself into said position. Sometimes there is just a huge push from others. Then, however, I get into said position and flounder. At which pint I get told that it was not the right time. It was too soon. It was wrong.
I know it's not good to simply do things because someone else is telling me to do it, but sometimes we are supposed to follow another person's guidance in order to start something.
I get frustrated because there are times when it seems G-d is calling me to do something. Without telling anyone else about this, I get a friend or family member who encourages me to do this something. So, I do it but it was wrong.
Then I'm left feeling like a fool. I want to climb in a hole, cry myself to sleep, and proceed to not have to wake up. Yeah, this is a bit dramatic for the minute-ness of the situation and I can see that. I also know that I'm not actually going to crawl in a hole and die. For some stupid reason, I keep waking up. Day after day, week after week, month after month. For YEARS. It hasn't stopped me in the last 24+ years. Sometimes I sleep the day away, but there are moments of being awake in there.
The shame of failures does not keep me from going on about my day. It doesn't keep me from talking to the family and friends who shame me, unnecessarily. It doesn't cause me to miss work, or to hide out in bed (unless I don't have anything scheduled that particular day.)
I am, by no means, a leader. I have no desire for the responsibility and I am woefully unprepared.
Somebody please remind me of this when I think to try some type of leadership role in the future. Be the one to save me from humiliation. Somebody be the one to snap me back to my senses and keep me from the pits of self-inflicted troubles. Good gosh, I'm a fool.
You get the point.
Today I started thinking about some stuff. I know, sketchy situation, but it happened.
I was Googling conferences and retreats to go to, when I started thinking about the various conferences and retreats I've been to.
There is a leader who has the idea. They enlist the help of others to help get this idea off the ground. Those people then begin to pick subjects, dates, locations, and the millions of other details that go into such an event. The speakers start to carefully choose the subject matter and words they want to use, and work it over and over until it's "just right".
All of this to say that I feel woefully unprepared to be a leader. I don't feel like I can be a leader for a bible study (the one that I am presently doing). Nor do I feel that I could lead at a church, or at work, or anywhere else. I feel unprepared and subpar.
The thing that I have learned about leaders is that they have often walked some rough roads and learned some really difficult lessons. This isn't always the case, but occurs often. Good leaders need to be able to listen to and respect those they are called to lead. This helps them to be effective and *usually* respected. Leaders typically have some type of wonderful lessons that they teach others, whether on purpose or inadvertently.
We look to leaders to know what to do. To burden the responsibility of decision making so that we can carry out orders without bad outcomes being our fault. We want reassurance or gentle guidance to help us in our quest to fulfill our goals. We want someone to give us tasks to complete in order to help us feel like we have purpose and meaning in what we are doing.
We want someone to have the idea, to carry out a great deal of legwork, and then to present to us an idea that is interesting to us, so that we can partake of the benefits. I do it. I want someone to research the things I am interested in, put it in a pleasing format, and then provide me with the invitation to decide whether I want to hear the info or not. (i.e. Invitations to conferences, with speakers talking on subjects they have studied for years that have piqued my interest. But I want the choice to say no.)
The problem here, and the reason I am writing this post is because I feel people keep shoving me into "leadership" kinds of positions. Sometimes I shove myself into said position. Sometimes there is just a huge push from others. Then, however, I get into said position and flounder. At which pint I get told that it was not the right time. It was too soon. It was wrong.
I know it's not good to simply do things because someone else is telling me to do it, but sometimes we are supposed to follow another person's guidance in order to start something.
I get frustrated because there are times when it seems G-d is calling me to do something. Without telling anyone else about this, I get a friend or family member who encourages me to do this something. So, I do it but it was wrong.
Then I'm left feeling like a fool. I want to climb in a hole, cry myself to sleep, and proceed to not have to wake up. Yeah, this is a bit dramatic for the minute-ness of the situation and I can see that. I also know that I'm not actually going to crawl in a hole and die. For some stupid reason, I keep waking up. Day after day, week after week, month after month. For YEARS. It hasn't stopped me in the last 24+ years. Sometimes I sleep the day away, but there are moments of being awake in there.
The shame of failures does not keep me from going on about my day. It doesn't keep me from talking to the family and friends who shame me, unnecessarily. It doesn't cause me to miss work, or to hide out in bed (unless I don't have anything scheduled that particular day.)
I am, by no means, a leader. I have no desire for the responsibility and I am woefully unprepared.
Somebody please remind me of this when I think to try some type of leadership role in the future. Be the one to save me from humiliation. Somebody be the one to snap me back to my senses and keep me from the pits of self-inflicted troubles. Good gosh, I'm a fool.
Monday, June 25, 2018
EMDR
When I went through my first traumatic instance with ex-boyfriend, I went to my college and attempted to get counseling. The counselors there are not familiar with trauma, they counsel students more through depression, anxiety, problems with school, and other such "student" problems.
One of the counselors was trained in EMDR... I think... She told me she was not super familiar and that she would need to reference the manual frequently to help me through the process. We didn't talk about anything that would have normally been covered in counseling, we just jumped right in to EMDR processes. I couldn't even hold it together to find my safe place without crying hysterically. Okay, not hysterically, but I couldn't breathe enough to talk using more than 1 syllable words at a time.
Fast-forward to my last counseling session: It was my third week in a row where I cried and dissociated. So, at the end, she suggested I try EMDR because I have been shutting down a lot lately and after all of the progress I had made, I was starting to rapidly backslide to where I was on week 2 or 3.
So my homework for the week was to just think about calling someone about EMDR. Well, I went to work after that counseling session, Googled all about the EMDR process: what to expect, what it would be like, what the goal is, etc. I proceeded to email my sweet little counselor right away at like 0300 that I would give it a shot. She woke up, sent me a list of names, and I made an appointment when I woke up at 3 p.m.
I'm still really nervous for what I'm going to have to go through, what I'm going to uncover, and what I will have to re-live, but I'm hoping it goes well and helps me. I've heard that nightmares are common and that it is common to need to process what happened in the session for the remainder of the night or even for the next couple of days.
I had my first session yesterday and it went well. We did a "practice" round with a "lightly distressing" memory so I could see how the process worked. I chose traffic, and our practice session made me surprisingly less anxious about the prospect of sitting in traffic. Granted, it's not a traumatic memory, but I hope that it will work similarly for the bad stuff. I've heard from several people who have had parents or friends go through this process that it has helped them.
I'll keep y'all posted.
One of the counselors was trained in EMDR... I think... She told me she was not super familiar and that she would need to reference the manual frequently to help me through the process. We didn't talk about anything that would have normally been covered in counseling, we just jumped right in to EMDR processes. I couldn't even hold it together to find my safe place without crying hysterically. Okay, not hysterically, but I couldn't breathe enough to talk using more than 1 syllable words at a time.
Fast-forward to my last counseling session: It was my third week in a row where I cried and dissociated. So, at the end, she suggested I try EMDR because I have been shutting down a lot lately and after all of the progress I had made, I was starting to rapidly backslide to where I was on week 2 or 3.
So my homework for the week was to just think about calling someone about EMDR. Well, I went to work after that counseling session, Googled all about the EMDR process: what to expect, what it would be like, what the goal is, etc. I proceeded to email my sweet little counselor right away at like 0300 that I would give it a shot. She woke up, sent me a list of names, and I made an appointment when I woke up at 3 p.m.
I'm still really nervous for what I'm going to have to go through, what I'm going to uncover, and what I will have to re-live, but I'm hoping it goes well and helps me. I've heard that nightmares are common and that it is common to need to process what happened in the session for the remainder of the night or even for the next couple of days.
I had my first session yesterday and it went well. We did a "practice" round with a "lightly distressing" memory so I could see how the process worked. I chose traffic, and our practice session made me surprisingly less anxious about the prospect of sitting in traffic. Granted, it's not a traumatic memory, but I hope that it will work similarly for the bad stuff. I've heard from several people who have had parents or friends go through this process that it has helped them.
I'll keep y'all posted.
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