Whatever job you have, movies you watch, organization you belong to, or family you are in, there is a leader. Sometimes it's you. Sometimes the leader is someone else. Sometimes you share the responsibility or you lead while being under another person's guidance.
You get the point.
Today I started thinking about some stuff. I know, sketchy situation, but it happened.
I was Googling conferences and retreats to go to, when I started thinking about the various conferences and retreats I've been to.
There is a leader who has the idea. They enlist the help of others to help get this idea off the ground. Those people then begin to pick subjects, dates, locations, and the millions of other details that go into such an event. The speakers start to carefully choose the subject matter and words they want to use, and work it over and over until it's "just right".
All of this to say that I feel woefully unprepared to be a leader. I don't feel like I can be a leader for a bible study (the one that I am presently doing). Nor do I feel that I could lead at a church, or at work, or anywhere else. I feel unprepared and subpar.
The thing that I have learned about leaders is that they have often walked some rough roads and learned some really difficult lessons. This isn't always the case, but occurs often. Good leaders need to be able to listen to and respect those they are called to lead. This helps them to be effective and *usually* respected. Leaders typically have some type of wonderful lessons that they teach others, whether on purpose or inadvertently.
We look to leaders to know what to do. To burden the responsibility of decision making so that we can carry out orders without bad outcomes being our fault. We want reassurance or gentle guidance to help us in our quest to fulfill our goals. We want someone to give us tasks to complete in order to help us feel like we have purpose and meaning in what we are doing.
We want someone to have the idea, to carry out a great deal of legwork, and then to present to us an idea that is interesting to us, so that we can partake of the benefits. I do it. I want someone to research the things I am interested in, put it in a pleasing format, and then provide me with the invitation to decide whether I want to hear the info or not. (i.e. Invitations to conferences, with speakers talking on subjects they have studied for years that have piqued my interest. But I want the choice to say no.)
The problem here, and the reason I am writing this post is because I feel people keep shoving me into "leadership" kinds of positions. Sometimes I shove myself into said position. Sometimes there is just a huge push from others. Then, however, I get into said position and flounder. At which pint I get told that it was not the right time. It was too soon. It was wrong.
I know it's not good to simply do things because someone else is telling me to do it, but sometimes we are supposed to follow another person's guidance in order to start something.
I get frustrated because there are times when it seems G-d is calling me to do something. Without telling anyone else about this, I get a friend or family member who encourages me to do this something. So, I do it but it was wrong.
Then I'm left feeling like a fool. I want to climb in a hole, cry myself to sleep, and proceed to not have to wake up. Yeah, this is a bit dramatic for the minute-ness of the situation and I can see that. I also know that I'm not actually going to crawl in a hole and die. For some stupid reason, I keep waking up. Day after day, week after week, month after month. For YEARS. It hasn't stopped me in the last 24+ years. Sometimes I sleep the day away, but there are moments of being awake in there.
The shame of failures does not keep me from going on about my day. It doesn't keep me from talking to the family and friends who shame me, unnecessarily. It doesn't cause me to miss work, or to hide out in bed (unless I don't have anything scheduled that particular day.)
I am, by no means, a leader. I have no desire for the responsibility and I am woefully unprepared.
Somebody please remind me of this when I think to try some type of leadership role in the future. Be the one to save me from humiliation. Somebody be the one to snap me back to my senses and keep me from the pits of self-inflicted troubles. Good gosh, I'm a fool.
Showing posts with label idiot. Show all posts
Showing posts with label idiot. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 27, 2018
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
Open Letter to Best Friend
Dear Best Friend,
I recently texted you after 3 months of not talking (my decision). The text was a looooooong apology. I apologized for mixed signals, not sticking to my boundaries, for not being a good friend when you've been so supportive in the past. I told you I have missed you and I have missed having my "best friend" around in a time of great need. The apologies were many, and long, and heartfelt.
What did you text back? You told me you didn't know what to say but that you've missed me too. Then, you gave me a rundown of your last 3 months of life.
I can appreciate that. I can understand wanting to move on and pretend like nothing happened. I get it, I'm not dumb. Plus, I know how guys work and how your brain works because I've studied guys and I know you. I've been around you and talking with you about the deep things of life for 5+ years. I figured you out. You tell me that all the time.
You then proceeded to make jokes and say "we should do it again" and referred to it as "a night of fun". That's when I went from disappointed that you didn't feel the need to acknowledge my pain from the apologies, to beyond angry and my blood went boiling. You had the nerve to shove it in my face that something that has caused me so much pain did, in fact, happen. And then you're going to minimize it and make me feel cheap by calling it a "night of fun" and say that we should "do it again" since we probably won't have a friendship the way we had before.
Fuck you.
I cried in your car. I have explained to you how much this hurt me. I have told you that I don't remember a cursed thing about that night and that I was upset with the decisions you made against my wished and my plans. And you want to make jokes at my expense and expect me to not be upset?!? No. No. No. No. NO.
I don't know why I feel the need to apologize over and over. I don't understand it myself. Probably some disfunction that I also feel the need to compulsively apologize for.
When you begin texting me, like nothing has changed, and I come up with the idea that we stop talking again, don't be surprised. Don't be upset, don't expect anything less. There's a good chance I'm just going to block you again without saying anything. I've tried the friends thing. I've tried to move on, and you make jokes at my expense. You ignored my boundaries. You continued to push me after I was already crying, hyperventilating, and freaking out. It was enough to even freak you out. You took advantage of someone who you knew was already hurting and who had been very clear. You broke my very fragile trust and then decided that I am not worth the dirt on your shoes. I mean nothing to you. I can take the hint.
Foolish me believed that you had my best interest in mind. I was dumb enough to believe that I could forgive and move past and that you would be sensitive to my hurting that I fucking spelled out for you.
Man alive, I'm such an idiot sometimes.
I hope you have a nice life.
Signed,
A girl trying to allow G-d to make Beauty from these Ashes
I recently texted you after 3 months of not talking (my decision). The text was a looooooong apology. I apologized for mixed signals, not sticking to my boundaries, for not being a good friend when you've been so supportive in the past. I told you I have missed you and I have missed having my "best friend" around in a time of great need. The apologies were many, and long, and heartfelt.
What did you text back? You told me you didn't know what to say but that you've missed me too. Then, you gave me a rundown of your last 3 months of life.
I can appreciate that. I can understand wanting to move on and pretend like nothing happened. I get it, I'm not dumb. Plus, I know how guys work and how your brain works because I've studied guys and I know you. I've been around you and talking with you about the deep things of life for 5+ years. I figured you out. You tell me that all the time.
You then proceeded to make jokes and say "we should do it again" and referred to it as "a night of fun". That's when I went from disappointed that you didn't feel the need to acknowledge my pain from the apologies, to beyond angry and my blood went boiling. You had the nerve to shove it in my face that something that has caused me so much pain did, in fact, happen. And then you're going to minimize it and make me feel cheap by calling it a "night of fun" and say that we should "do it again" since we probably won't have a friendship the way we had before.
Fuck you.
I cried in your car. I have explained to you how much this hurt me. I have told you that I don't remember a cursed thing about that night and that I was upset with the decisions you made against my wished and my plans. And you want to make jokes at my expense and expect me to not be upset?!? No. No. No. No. NO.
I don't know why I feel the need to apologize over and over. I don't understand it myself. Probably some disfunction that I also feel the need to compulsively apologize for.
When you begin texting me, like nothing has changed, and I come up with the idea that we stop talking again, don't be surprised. Don't be upset, don't expect anything less. There's a good chance I'm just going to block you again without saying anything. I've tried the friends thing. I've tried to move on, and you make jokes at my expense. You ignored my boundaries. You continued to push me after I was already crying, hyperventilating, and freaking out. It was enough to even freak you out. You took advantage of someone who you knew was already hurting and who had been very clear. You broke my very fragile trust and then decided that I am not worth the dirt on your shoes. I mean nothing to you. I can take the hint.
Foolish me believed that you had my best interest in mind. I was dumb enough to believe that I could forgive and move past and that you would be sensitive to my hurting that I fucking spelled out for you.
Man alive, I'm such an idiot sometimes.
I hope you have a nice life.
Signed,
A girl trying to allow G-d to make Beauty from these Ashes
Thursday, February 16, 2017
Because I'm An Idiot
Let's preface this with the fact that we had a recent baby boom and are busting at the seems.
I keep making stupid newbie mistakes. Now, is this because I'm not paying attention? Not really. Mostly, I'm making mistakes without even knowing I'm making them because these are things that I was not taught in orientation. Now that I am on my own, I get in trouble for making said mistakes because I am now responsible for the actions I do, whether I know it is against the rules or not.
This was brought about by getting "in trouble" (my words, not theirs) for overfeeding my kid. In our unit, children can go to ad lib and/or on demand. This, to me, means they can eat however much they want (ad lib) whenever they wake up and start fussing (on demand). Nobody taught me otherwise, until today.
I had my charge nurse feed one of my kids because I was crazy busy and also way late on charting. Well, she ended up looking at my charting and told me I was way overfeeding my kid. Apparently it is an unspoken rule that ad lib actually means 160-200 mL/kg/day. Now, average this out by how long the kid goes between feedings (2-4 hours) and you get your ad lib ranges of what to feed depending on how long they slept. Who knew? Well, I guess everyone did... except me. So, this kid's max was 100 (actually this is only for going 3 hours in between, for 4 hours it's 133 mL) and I was letting him take as much as he wanted, in the ball parks of 120-150. So, not too much over, and I admitted my mistake to day shift during report, to my friends, and to our unit manager. However, I still feel like a complete dumb ass because I just know this is going to end up being a thing that gets talked about for weeks. The doctor is going to be upset, I'm going to get a lecture, maybe a group email, and it'll be because of me and because I have no clue what the hell I'm doing. Some kids do get ordered to be ad lib with no max. Apparently this is something that is uncommon and ad lib means 160-200.
Ya live and learn, I guess. Poor day shift must think I'm a complete moron because I know the other girls on night shift think I am.
In other news we got our yearly reviews done... everyone is pissed. We have a peer review system, but not everyone fills out reviews for other employees. Plus, the reviews from the employees are used as the sole summation of your work on the unit. So, there is a lot of bias. If you get your review "randomly" (I don't think they were all random) put into a folder to be reviewed by someone on our unit who doesn't like you, your raise will depend on how mean they felt that day. On the flip side, we have some employees who don't do well at work and cut corners who get reviewed by their friends and end up getting raises that they maybe shouldn't have gotten as well as better reviews than they worked for. So, no matter what, you get screwed. So, I got an okay eval, but my friends did not. Their evals went to a girl who is not nice to us and clearly does not like any of us new girls. Therefore, my friends had terrible reviews and did not get the same type of raise I did. It might be by just a few cents, but the reviews are on file for the rest of their career at this hospital. They are not getting good marks because their "grader" is spiteful, rude, mad at us for going to HR about her, and biased.
Add in that I'm tired, probably PMS'ing, and cannot seem to have a good night, and even though I'm sleep deprived, I will probably end up not sleeping well. That sucks because I have been at work every night for a week and still have another 4 days to go. I kid you not, I will have 13 days clocked, in a row because I'm stupid and kept coming in "for just one more night" because we were slammed with kids.
Sometimes I do dumb things.
Mostly, I do dumb things regularly. It's a wonder my review didn't turn out worse than the most negative things being written is that "she gets frustrated". Well no shit. I'm a new grad, I've been on my own for 3 months (out of orientation), and I get frustrating assignments because they are trying to get me experiences with tougher assignments. They say that in the review. Half of our staff is frustrated and frazzled most of their nights at work because they are 1) high strung on their good days and completely out of control on a mediocre day or 2) assignments are not given to be balanced so that stress is evenly distributed across the entirety of the staff for the shift. Assignments are given with no regards to patient needs and nurse responsibilities.
On a more positive note. I emailed the nurse midwifery program I want to attend. They emailed back quickly and asked if I wanted to start in August 2017... I can't move yet, but I kind of want to start school so I'll graduate in 2020. It's a happy year especially with high school graduation being 2012, college graduation being 2016; 2020 fits my little trend!
The only thing I can think is: I can't even be a nurse and do things correctly on a regular basis, what makes me think I can be a practitioner and write orders as opposed to simply following practitioner orders? Everything takes practice and experience, but it's scary!
Ah well. I'm off to sleep so that I can show up to struggle through another crazy shift.
Let's not even talk about my new desire for a kid. I keep getting attached to my little patients that I tear up when they get to go home. It's bitter sweet, but I love these kids more than I should be loving patients. Then I want a kid, but then I'm over-come with dread and fear of the things they could/might go through in life. Then I start crying because I get scared thinking about what it would be like to have to go through meeting a guy and hoping he won't be evil to me like the other guys have been. And, if he's not evil, then I am scared to tell him the evils I've survived and I'll have to delve into why I don't think I'm pure... and... and... and...
I think I just need some sleep. I'll catch up with y'all later.
I keep making stupid newbie mistakes. Now, is this because I'm not paying attention? Not really. Mostly, I'm making mistakes without even knowing I'm making them because these are things that I was not taught in orientation. Now that I am on my own, I get in trouble for making said mistakes because I am now responsible for the actions I do, whether I know it is against the rules or not.
This was brought about by getting "in trouble" (my words, not theirs) for overfeeding my kid. In our unit, children can go to ad lib and/or on demand. This, to me, means they can eat however much they want (ad lib) whenever they wake up and start fussing (on demand). Nobody taught me otherwise, until today.
I had my charge nurse feed one of my kids because I was crazy busy and also way late on charting. Well, she ended up looking at my charting and told me I was way overfeeding my kid. Apparently it is an unspoken rule that ad lib actually means 160-200 mL/kg/day. Now, average this out by how long the kid goes between feedings (2-4 hours) and you get your ad lib ranges of what to feed depending on how long they slept. Who knew? Well, I guess everyone did... except me. So, this kid's max was 100 (actually this is only for going 3 hours in between, for 4 hours it's 133 mL) and I was letting him take as much as he wanted, in the ball parks of 120-150. So, not too much over, and I admitted my mistake to day shift during report, to my friends, and to our unit manager. However, I still feel like a complete dumb ass because I just know this is going to end up being a thing that gets talked about for weeks. The doctor is going to be upset, I'm going to get a lecture, maybe a group email, and it'll be because of me and because I have no clue what the hell I'm doing. Some kids do get ordered to be ad lib with no max. Apparently this is something that is uncommon and ad lib means 160-200.
Ya live and learn, I guess. Poor day shift must think I'm a complete moron because I know the other girls on night shift think I am.
In other news we got our yearly reviews done... everyone is pissed. We have a peer review system, but not everyone fills out reviews for other employees. Plus, the reviews from the employees are used as the sole summation of your work on the unit. So, there is a lot of bias. If you get your review "randomly" (I don't think they were all random) put into a folder to be reviewed by someone on our unit who doesn't like you, your raise will depend on how mean they felt that day. On the flip side, we have some employees who don't do well at work and cut corners who get reviewed by their friends and end up getting raises that they maybe shouldn't have gotten as well as better reviews than they worked for. So, no matter what, you get screwed. So, I got an okay eval, but my friends did not. Their evals went to a girl who is not nice to us and clearly does not like any of us new girls. Therefore, my friends had terrible reviews and did not get the same type of raise I did. It might be by just a few cents, but the reviews are on file for the rest of their career at this hospital. They are not getting good marks because their "grader" is spiteful, rude, mad at us for going to HR about her, and biased.
Add in that I'm tired, probably PMS'ing, and cannot seem to have a good night, and even though I'm sleep deprived, I will probably end up not sleeping well. That sucks because I have been at work every night for a week and still have another 4 days to go. I kid you not, I will have 13 days clocked, in a row because I'm stupid and kept coming in "for just one more night" because we were slammed with kids.
Sometimes I do dumb things.
Mostly, I do dumb things regularly. It's a wonder my review didn't turn out worse than the most negative things being written is that "she gets frustrated". Well no shit. I'm a new grad, I've been on my own for 3 months (out of orientation), and I get frustrating assignments because they are trying to get me experiences with tougher assignments. They say that in the review. Half of our staff is frustrated and frazzled most of their nights at work because they are 1) high strung on their good days and completely out of control on a mediocre day or 2) assignments are not given to be balanced so that stress is evenly distributed across the entirety of the staff for the shift. Assignments are given with no regards to patient needs and nurse responsibilities.
On a more positive note. I emailed the nurse midwifery program I want to attend. They emailed back quickly and asked if I wanted to start in August 2017... I can't move yet, but I kind of want to start school so I'll graduate in 2020. It's a happy year especially with high school graduation being 2012, college graduation being 2016; 2020 fits my little trend!
The only thing I can think is: I can't even be a nurse and do things correctly on a regular basis, what makes me think I can be a practitioner and write orders as opposed to simply following practitioner orders? Everything takes practice and experience, but it's scary!
Ah well. I'm off to sleep so that I can show up to struggle through another crazy shift.
Let's not even talk about my new desire for a kid. I keep getting attached to my little patients that I tear up when they get to go home. It's bitter sweet, but I love these kids more than I should be loving patients. Then I want a kid, but then I'm over-come with dread and fear of the things they could/might go through in life. Then I start crying because I get scared thinking about what it would be like to have to go through meeting a guy and hoping he won't be evil to me like the other guys have been. And, if he's not evil, then I am scared to tell him the evils I've survived and I'll have to delve into why I don't think I'm pure... and... and... and...
I think I just need some sleep. I'll catch up with y'all later.
Monday, January 4, 2016
I'm Over It, So It's Over
*****Warning: improper language and graphic stories follow. Proceed with caution!*****
I broke up with fiance... again.
Yes, we did just get "engaged" for the third(?) time, and he just had a birthday. However, when you are over it, you are over it. I, if you haven't guessed, am over it. But wait! It gets better.
For months now I have been probing fiance about different subjects. Some stuff he will give straight answers to, some he will not. In fact, most of his past remains in the dark for me because he won't talk to me about it. He says it brings back bad memories. Well, no shit. For a lot of people, the past brings up bad memories, but the fact that you told me your wife died on date #2 and you refuse more and more to talk about her anymore is worrisome. Plus, I think you're lying about her being dead. I think you just had a tough break up and that was it. I don't believe she is actually dead because your story keeps changing and I found a girl on Facebook with her same fucking name and she is still posting as of New Year's Eve, but she was supposed to have died in 2013. Ya, okay buddy.
I broke up with him the day after his real birthday and a few days after his birthday dinner/public proposal (a.k.a. proposal #3). This also happened to be the day before Exboyfriend's birthday and a few days before Christmas. So, he was having a shitty Christmas week.
Despite having broken up with him then, we talked nearly every day through texting and also calls to each other each night or every other night. I didn't want this, but he keeps going on an on about how he can't live without me. Bullshit.
He ended up spending New Year's Eve with me, then New Year's Day and the night after. 2 nights and about 2.5 days together. We were doing well. He took me out to eat and he actually talked to me instead of being on his phone like he normally had been while we had been dating. He was being sweeter. But as New Year's Eve night went on, he went from not kissing me (as I had requested) and keeping his hands to designated "safe" areas on my body, to kissing me whenever the hell he felt like it and allowing his hands to wander again. In mere fucking hours people!
He keeps telling me he's changed and that he's trying to keep me happy, but it's all bullshit. There's no frickin' way he's actually changing because he reverts back to not respecting me nor my body within minutes of seeing me in person. He tells me it's just because I turn him on and then he's not responsible for his actions. So what? I'm supposed to live with being continually raped and assaulted for the rest of my fucking life? HELL NO! I will not be treated that way.
While he was over, he told me we "had sex 14 times". Funny thing is, I don't recall consenting to those. A few of the times he coerced me and yelled at me until I gave in. The rest of the times he took off my pants, even though I told him no repeatedly, then he played with himself and played with me and then he would get on top saying he wouldn't go in. Then he would proceed to invade me body because he "couldn't control himself". Alright fucker, maybe I can't control my fingers calling the fucking police and getting you arrested. Oops, wouldn't that be a shame?
I've tried to break up with him 4 times now. The first time he yelled at me and asked if that was really what I wanted, especially after he had just handed over $9000 for an engagement ring. The second time was when I asked for a break and he said that means breaking up but then we agreed to not speak for about a month or two and then he broke that within about 6 hours. The next time, we broke up, we still talked and he went out drinking three nights in a row. Typically driving to my place to "talk" after he was black out drunk and definitely not in a safe mental capacity to be driving. Then we got back together on day 3-4 with him promising to be better and work on us. This time, I'm fucking over it.
You know what he told me yesterday? The first ring was fake. I had called him out on it the first time I tried to break up with him. I told him it had CZ stamped on the inside (for cubic zirconium, which is a fake diamond). He told me that the guy at the jewelry store must have lied to him then because he had paid $9000. I asked where he got it from and he told me a jewelry store downtown next to 7-11 (gas station). Curious, I called around asking if anyone had sold to fiance. None of them had. Red flag! However, I ignored it and didn't press the matter further with fiance so as to not piss him off. That ring was then stolen when he was up at work, but he didn't seem too upset about it. He had it in his truck because he was going to get it resized, so he said. He had had my ring for about 4-5 months though, saying the whole time he just hadn't gotten around to it yet. Whatever.
When he proposed at his birthday dinner, however, it was with a different ring. This time, he made a point to keep it in a box with the name of the jewelry store's name on it and showed me the online ad for it. Yesterday, after I asked him what the real deal with the different rings were, he finally told me the truth. Apparently he wanted to marry me right away because he supposedly loved me so much then. However, he found a ring for $9000 and couldn't afford it right then. So, he went to fucking Walmart and bought a $200 fake ring in hopes that he could trade it out for a real one once he got the money to afford the one he wanted to get me. He said I "deserve the biggest rock in the world but he didn't have the money at the time and he didn't think I would notice." Well asshole, date someone dumber than me then! Unfortunately for you, I am significantly smarter than I look and I pay attention to details.
I yelled at him for nearly 20 minutes last night telling him that he should have been honest about everything upfront, he should have saved money to buy me a decent ring instead of half-assing it and getting me a fake one while he throws thousands down to buy himself a new truck and all the trimmings to make it look cool. I also yelled at him for manipulating me with that fake fucking ring telling me it cost thousands of dollars when it absolutely didn't, then he brought that up when we fought after the first break-up attempt. He manipulated me the entire 8 months and I'm letting him have it now. I'm no longer holding back because I have been shaken and devastated by the way he just walked all over me, ruined me, took advantage of me and used my body however he wanted to. I'm angry that I didn't have the strength to walk away the first time I wanted to because then it would have only been a couple of time of abuse/assault/rape instead of now 14 or more times.
Wow, I'm such an idiot. I knew that something as wrong, but I was bound and determined to give him a chance and try to make it work because I believed the best in him. All that did for me is run me into the ground, get me taken advantage of so many times I can't recall the last 8 months because I have blocked them from memory, and it ruined my plans of any kind of a happy life. Because of him and Exboyfriend, I have no desire to date, get married, or have children because nothing good has ever come from dating for me. Plus, I have seen nothing good come out of marriage in any of the relationships I am around.
I have a theory that the assholes (male or female) of the world have detectors and find the decent, or even wonderful, people of the world and they decide to take over the good people and enslave them in marriage. This burns out many of the good people and make the assholes look and feel like there is little to nothing wrong with them because they found love so they must be a catch. Now, is this true for everyone? Not likely. Am I jaded and cynical and ridiculously pissed off? Absolutely. Right now, life is the hardest it's been for me probably ever.
I had dreams of finding a guy, dating without kissing. Getting married and going into my marriage as a virgin. I had dreams of having children. Being a nurse while also raising children at home. Then proceeding on to a very happy life. All of my plans were destroyed in an instant. Exboyfriend and Exfiance both got kisses from me. Both attempted to steal my virginity and I think they have. I do not want to get married. I definitely don't want children because I'm terrified that what happened to me will happen to them. I see no happiness in the foreseeable future for me. Yes, G-d knows what will happen in my life, but if I were a guy, I wouldn't want me. I wouldn't want someone who was so stupid as to fall into getting raped by two guys. Not only that, the first guy raped me twice in a weekend because I was too dumb to leave when I had originally wanted to. Then the second guy raped me too many times to count and I just stayed with him hoping that he actually loved me and we would eventually work it out. I am a complete fucking moron and should not be desired by anyone. I have been ruined and crushed beyond human repair. If the L-rd repairs me, it's going to damn near require an entirely new inner me, a whole new body, and a complete memory wipe.
I'm so over it. I have never been so angry at myself or anyone else in my life. I told him to stop talking to me for at least a month, but I'm fixing to block his number and block him on Facebook so that he won't be able to reach me ever again. If I need to, I'm about ready to get a fucking restraining order if I ever see him show up at my house.
Best thing yet, I have dealt with all of these things on my own for months because my friends and family have been pushed away by him and I was too stupid to see that. So, now I'm completely on my own and so very angry.
In the midst of my anger last night, about 20 minutes after fiance confessed about the stupid ring lies he told me, I heard a whisper in my heart to forgive. I got a few moments of peace after that, but I couldn't sleep last night and my anger has returned fresh this morning and stuck around me all day. I don't know how I'll survive this.
I broke up with fiance... again.
Yes, we did just get "engaged" for the third(?) time, and he just had a birthday. However, when you are over it, you are over it. I, if you haven't guessed, am over it. But wait! It gets better.
For months now I have been probing fiance about different subjects. Some stuff he will give straight answers to, some he will not. In fact, most of his past remains in the dark for me because he won't talk to me about it. He says it brings back bad memories. Well, no shit. For a lot of people, the past brings up bad memories, but the fact that you told me your wife died on date #2 and you refuse more and more to talk about her anymore is worrisome. Plus, I think you're lying about her being dead. I think you just had a tough break up and that was it. I don't believe she is actually dead because your story keeps changing and I found a girl on Facebook with her same fucking name and she is still posting as of New Year's Eve, but she was supposed to have died in 2013. Ya, okay buddy.
I broke up with him the day after his real birthday and a few days after his birthday dinner/public proposal (a.k.a. proposal #3). This also happened to be the day before Exboyfriend's birthday and a few days before Christmas. So, he was having a shitty Christmas week.
Despite having broken up with him then, we talked nearly every day through texting and also calls to each other each night or every other night. I didn't want this, but he keeps going on an on about how he can't live without me. Bullshit.
He ended up spending New Year's Eve with me, then New Year's Day and the night after. 2 nights and about 2.5 days together. We were doing well. He took me out to eat and he actually talked to me instead of being on his phone like he normally had been while we had been dating. He was being sweeter. But as New Year's Eve night went on, he went from not kissing me (as I had requested) and keeping his hands to designated "safe" areas on my body, to kissing me whenever the hell he felt like it and allowing his hands to wander again. In mere fucking hours people!
He keeps telling me he's changed and that he's trying to keep me happy, but it's all bullshit. There's no frickin' way he's actually changing because he reverts back to not respecting me nor my body within minutes of seeing me in person. He tells me it's just because I turn him on and then he's not responsible for his actions. So what? I'm supposed to live with being continually raped and assaulted for the rest of my fucking life? HELL NO! I will not be treated that way.
While he was over, he told me we "had sex 14 times". Funny thing is, I don't recall consenting to those. A few of the times he coerced me and yelled at me until I gave in. The rest of the times he took off my pants, even though I told him no repeatedly, then he played with himself and played with me and then he would get on top saying he wouldn't go in. Then he would proceed to invade me body because he "couldn't control himself". Alright fucker, maybe I can't control my fingers calling the fucking police and getting you arrested. Oops, wouldn't that be a shame?
I've tried to break up with him 4 times now. The first time he yelled at me and asked if that was really what I wanted, especially after he had just handed over $9000 for an engagement ring. The second time was when I asked for a break and he said that means breaking up but then we agreed to not speak for about a month or two and then he broke that within about 6 hours. The next time, we broke up, we still talked and he went out drinking three nights in a row. Typically driving to my place to "talk" after he was black out drunk and definitely not in a safe mental capacity to be driving. Then we got back together on day 3-4 with him promising to be better and work on us. This time, I'm fucking over it.
You know what he told me yesterday? The first ring was fake. I had called him out on it the first time I tried to break up with him. I told him it had CZ stamped on the inside (for cubic zirconium, which is a fake diamond). He told me that the guy at the jewelry store must have lied to him then because he had paid $9000. I asked where he got it from and he told me a jewelry store downtown next to 7-11 (gas station). Curious, I called around asking if anyone had sold to fiance. None of them had. Red flag! However, I ignored it and didn't press the matter further with fiance so as to not piss him off. That ring was then stolen when he was up at work, but he didn't seem too upset about it. He had it in his truck because he was going to get it resized, so he said. He had had my ring for about 4-5 months though, saying the whole time he just hadn't gotten around to it yet. Whatever.
When he proposed at his birthday dinner, however, it was with a different ring. This time, he made a point to keep it in a box with the name of the jewelry store's name on it and showed me the online ad for it. Yesterday, after I asked him what the real deal with the different rings were, he finally told me the truth. Apparently he wanted to marry me right away because he supposedly loved me so much then. However, he found a ring for $9000 and couldn't afford it right then. So, he went to fucking Walmart and bought a $200 fake ring in hopes that he could trade it out for a real one once he got the money to afford the one he wanted to get me. He said I "deserve the biggest rock in the world but he didn't have the money at the time and he didn't think I would notice." Well asshole, date someone dumber than me then! Unfortunately for you, I am significantly smarter than I look and I pay attention to details.
I yelled at him for nearly 20 minutes last night telling him that he should have been honest about everything upfront, he should have saved money to buy me a decent ring instead of half-assing it and getting me a fake one while he throws thousands down to buy himself a new truck and all the trimmings to make it look cool. I also yelled at him for manipulating me with that fake fucking ring telling me it cost thousands of dollars when it absolutely didn't, then he brought that up when we fought after the first break-up attempt. He manipulated me the entire 8 months and I'm letting him have it now. I'm no longer holding back because I have been shaken and devastated by the way he just walked all over me, ruined me, took advantage of me and used my body however he wanted to. I'm angry that I didn't have the strength to walk away the first time I wanted to because then it would have only been a couple of time of abuse/assault/rape instead of now 14 or more times.
Wow, I'm such an idiot. I knew that something as wrong, but I was bound and determined to give him a chance and try to make it work because I believed the best in him. All that did for me is run me into the ground, get me taken advantage of so many times I can't recall the last 8 months because I have blocked them from memory, and it ruined my plans of any kind of a happy life. Because of him and Exboyfriend, I have no desire to date, get married, or have children because nothing good has ever come from dating for me. Plus, I have seen nothing good come out of marriage in any of the relationships I am around.
I have a theory that the assholes (male or female) of the world have detectors and find the decent, or even wonderful, people of the world and they decide to take over the good people and enslave them in marriage. This burns out many of the good people and make the assholes look and feel like there is little to nothing wrong with them because they found love so they must be a catch. Now, is this true for everyone? Not likely. Am I jaded and cynical and ridiculously pissed off? Absolutely. Right now, life is the hardest it's been for me probably ever.
I had dreams of finding a guy, dating without kissing. Getting married and going into my marriage as a virgin. I had dreams of having children. Being a nurse while also raising children at home. Then proceeding on to a very happy life. All of my plans were destroyed in an instant. Exboyfriend and Exfiance both got kisses from me. Both attempted to steal my virginity and I think they have. I do not want to get married. I definitely don't want children because I'm terrified that what happened to me will happen to them. I see no happiness in the foreseeable future for me. Yes, G-d knows what will happen in my life, but if I were a guy, I wouldn't want me. I wouldn't want someone who was so stupid as to fall into getting raped by two guys. Not only that, the first guy raped me twice in a weekend because I was too dumb to leave when I had originally wanted to. Then the second guy raped me too many times to count and I just stayed with him hoping that he actually loved me and we would eventually work it out. I am a complete fucking moron and should not be desired by anyone. I have been ruined and crushed beyond human repair. If the L-rd repairs me, it's going to damn near require an entirely new inner me, a whole new body, and a complete memory wipe.
I'm so over it. I have never been so angry at myself or anyone else in my life. I told him to stop talking to me for at least a month, but I'm fixing to block his number and block him on Facebook so that he won't be able to reach me ever again. If I need to, I'm about ready to get a fucking restraining order if I ever see him show up at my house.
Best thing yet, I have dealt with all of these things on my own for months because my friends and family have been pushed away by him and I was too stupid to see that. So, now I'm completely on my own and so very angry.
In the midst of my anger last night, about 20 minutes after fiance confessed about the stupid ring lies he told me, I heard a whisper in my heart to forgive. I got a few moments of peace after that, but I couldn't sleep last night and my anger has returned fresh this morning and stuck around me all day. I don't know how I'll survive this.
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