EMDR

When I went through my first traumatic instance with ex-boyfriend, I went to my college and attempted to get counseling. The counselors there are not familiar with trauma, they counsel students more through depression, anxiety, problems with school, and other such "student" problems.

One of the counselors was trained in EMDR... I think... She told me she was not super familiar and that she would need to reference the manual frequently to help me through the process. We didn't talk about anything that would have normally been covered in counseling, we just jumped right in to EMDR processes. I couldn't even hold it together to find my safe place without crying hysterically. Okay, not hysterically, but I couldn't breathe enough to talk using more than 1 syllable words at a time.

Fast-forward to my last counseling session: It was my third week in a row where I cried and dissociated. So, at the end, she suggested I try EMDR because I have been shutting down a lot lately and after all of the progress I had made, I was starting to rapidly backslide to where I was on week 2 or 3.

So my homework for the week was to just think about calling someone about EMDR. Well, I went to work after that counseling session, Googled all about the EMDR process: what to expect, what it would be like, what the goal is, etc. I proceeded to email my sweet little counselor right away at like 0300 that I would give it a shot. She woke up, sent me a list of names, and I made an appointment when I woke up at 3 p.m.

I'm still really nervous for what I'm going to have to go through, what I'm going to uncover, and what I will have to re-live, but I'm hoping it goes well and helps me. I've heard that nightmares are common and that it is common to need to process what happened in the session for the remainder of the night or even for the next couple of days.

I had my first session yesterday and it went well. We did a "practice" round with a "lightly distressing" memory so I could see how the process worked. I chose traffic, and our practice session made me surprisingly less anxious about the prospect of sitting in traffic. Granted, it's not a traumatic memory, but I hope that it will work similarly for the bad stuff. I've heard from several people who have had parents or friends go through this process that it has helped them.

I'll keep y'all posted.

Scared Sh*tless

Guys, I have started my grad school application. I am nervous beyond belief. The priority deadline was Feb 1, and I missed that by a couple days by the time I was looking seriously at the program. However, I have been emailing the program director and she has been very encouraging. I'm just not certain how straight forward they are being with me.

I want to know how many people are applying, how many get in, what my chances are for getting into the program with only a year of NICU experience, and all of the other questions swirling around in my head. Oh gosh, this is nerve wracking!

For the application only being $50, it's not that bad. However, do I have what it takes? I'm just a baby nurse with a passion for NICU, but I have this burning desire to go further in school and start getting changes started nation wide, or at least in whatever vicinity I'm in. If I could have been here practicing as a midwife, I could have saved lives! I could have saved babies and their mamas from having the terrible home births that ended up killing one or both of them. I'm not saying that home births are bad. I'm just saying home births with a midwife who has never been formally trained is dangerous and asking for trouble.

I want to change the way midwifery is seen in the US. I want to save the lives of moms and babies by preventing too many medical interventions while simultaneously having the training and supplies to provide necessary interventions to keep everyone safe.

Ugh, I feel so helpless.

I am presently terrified.

I am currently in need of another change. I feel like I could actually make a difference.

Oh L-rd, direct me in the ways you want me to go! Make my path straight and show me what it is I'm supposed to be doing!



Probably doesn't help that I've rewatched Call the Midwife on Netflix...

Struggle of This New Nurse

As my orientation season begins to wrap up, I can't help but think about how I felt when I started, and also how I'm not sure I can do it on my own. So far I can get the basics down, but there is always someone watching me and right next to me.

When I need another syringe, they are right there supervising and will run and get it. They are there to answer my millions of questions, without me ever having to leave the baby's bedside. They help one mom breastfeed as I assess and situate the next baby on my assignment list. They make milk, give baths, and do all of the cares that I cannot seem to fit into my work list because I am still slow in the tasks I do as I begin to figure out my muscle memory and routines. They help remind me when I have a med to give, I need to look at labs, and they help me be able to talk to the providers (NNP and neonatalogists) so that I do not get eaten alive just yet.

As I begin to get down the basics, I'm finding more and more that I am so far from knowing how to be a nurse on my own. Orientation for me ends at the end of September. I finished my last day shift orientation yesterday and I begin night shift orientation on Sunday...

To say "the struggle is real" is an understatement.

As I go about learning the ins and outs of a "typical" day, I have found some serious things I struggle with:

1. Breastfeeding. I don't have children. I don't know what it is like to breastfeed. I try to learn what I can from the nurses I am precepting under, but I feel terribly unqualified. When parents and grandparents of the babies ask if I have kids, I have to shamefully respond that I do not. That is followed with them asking how old I am and how much schooling I have left... Apparently the make-up I decided to start wearing so parents wouldn't be freaked out with how young I am, isn't working at all.
2. Families. The baby's families scare me. For every sweet, loving, adoring, easy family, there is an equally "different" family just down the hall. The kind of family that tells you they were a NICU nurse at the hospital I work at, but after further investigation you learn they were in the float pool and only floated the NICU one night to act as our unit secretary because we were severely short-staffed. There are families where we worry if the parents are on too many pain killers because they are falling asleep holding their 3 pound baby and asking the same question over and over. There are the families that we wonder about the safety of the mom because the dad is overbearing and there are signs of domestic violence. Parents who don't seem interested in the child. Women who tell the staff they will be adopting a baby that is in our NICU, throw a fit when they are not allowed to see said baby because we have no paperwork to say they will be the kid's guardian, and then we find out later there was never a plan for this lady to ever be involved in the care of the kid. Now, many of these situations are simply the stories from the nurses I've worked with, but I have experienced some of them between the few hospitals I worked at in Home State and now Small Town Hospital. Parents/family members scare me!  They blame us for what has happened to the baby even when the kid would have died if we didn't come help. They get upset with us for a positive drug screen in a 2 hour old infant, but I know we aren't the ones doing drugs through the pregnancy... I get that many of them are scare, and coping (though not always effectively coping), and they are in a situation that was unexpected and stressful. I get that. But I need serious practice with the parents and family members.
3. Time management. As soon as I feel like I get caught up, a kid pukes, poops, pees, or the family comes in and puts me right back to being behind. Through in a child needing a bath and bed change and I don't know how I will ever do it without having my preceptor there to help me out.
4. Remembering all of the "little" things. Little things like checking the med list for the babies every time I do an assessment so that I'm not late with antibiotics. Knowing how to give certain medications... Knowing who to ask for, how to ask, and what to do when I am needing a certain supply. Remembering the normal vital ranges and care tasks for babies when I am still so used to adult numbers and cares. 
5. Staying out of the cliques. Now, this one is a little different for me because I already have a target on my back. My grandmother (Mema) works in the NICU at my hospital. She has been there for years and years and years. My great aunt (Mema's sister) is the DON of the floor containing the NICU, L&D, the women's med/surg specialty floor, newborn nursery, and other various similar care departments. She is also the one who does the hiring and runs the meetings... So, you can see how many of the girls on the floor could be concerned and upset with me working there. Throw in the fact that night-shift NICU crew is known throughout the hospital for being ridiculously "cliquey" and I already starting with a handful of major disadvantages. So, while I need to work on time-management and all of these other things so that I can be "on-time" with all of the tasks I need to do, I am so very grateful that I am slow and always having something to do to stay busy because it keeps me from even being in a place where I could have downtime to have to talk with the girls. Maybe, by the time I get to a place where I am okay at being a NICU nurse, I will be so used to being busy that I will remain out of the clique scene all-together and nobody will ever know that there is another way for it to be.

So, here I am, about to be pushed off a cliff. Time to see if I will sink or swim.

Looming Deadlines...

It's nearly 11 p.m. here and I'm supposed to be getting up at 5 a.m. for work tomorrow...

I can't sleep because I've been trying to take NCLEX practice tests and start studying because I'm scheduled to take my NCLEX on Friday.

It occurred to me today, while at my "cousin's" kid's 1st birthday party, that I'm taking the NCLEX this week. Then I started thinking about how little I've studied because of work, moving, exhaustion, depression flare-ups, and general PTSD bullshit coming back. C'est la vie, non?

Anyway, I also started considering pushing it back another week or two to give myself some legit time to study. I don't know what to do. Do I just get it over with and hope that the 54% average on practice tests gets me on the passing side of the NCLEX scale? Or, do I try to attempt another shot at studying more?

They say that by passing nursing school, you should have most/all of the info needed to pass this damn test, but being on this end of taking the silly thing, I'm not sure how much I believe that. 54% is a pretty abysmal score to get on anything, let alone a $200 test. I guess I'll see how the rest of the week goes and if I need to, I'll change the date by Wednesday so that I don't lose said $200...

Goodnight y'all

An it's on again!

Date has been rescheduled for Saturday. I am a bit nervous that he is regretting this whole thing because I have been a severe pain in his butt with the scheduling of this shindig. Originally, we were supposed to have a whole group accompany us and he couldn't get them to come this time so it's going to be the two of us and Roommate. They have known each other for years but it's scary going out with not as many people to keep the conversation going. Still, I'm really excited and I hope he is too.

I told my dad about the date today... I keep trying to tell him big stuff first so that he doesn't feel left out because I tell both of my parents lots of stuff but my mom and I talk a lot on the phone (maybe every other day or several times a day) while I talk to my dad once a week or every other week. However, lengths of calls make it end up balancing out, kind of.

First thing out of his mouth once I told him was, "You know, you don't owe him anything. Sex is off the table." Haha, does he know who he's talking to? Well, I haven't shared my no kissing policy with him so he kinda doesn't.

This policy is getting tough to stick by. I have a friend who I recently discovered had the same policy. HAD. Then, one of her boyfriends kissed her on her date and she says it's no big deal. Well, crap. (Please forgive the language.) I asked if she wished she would have waited and she said it's not really that big of a deal. We have similar faith and agree on most everything. I don't know that I'll let him kiss me on the first date but man alive is it temping. So now what? I guess we'll see.

Well, that's not what I expected.

Y'all remember the date I was going to go on? It ended up getting cancelled because of weather. The guy lives about an hour outside of town and his town was getting hammered with snow and the roads were really icy so we decided to postpone. My heart sunk a little when he texted me that but we ended up talking anyways, well, texting. I am really looking forward to going out with him and I hope he really is too. Besides the panic attacks and bad nervousness that is typically accompanying me, I am not normally one to get worked up or excited about boys. This guy, though. Let's just go over my schedule from the time he asked for my number until now.

We danced. He asked for my number. We danced again. We went to a party and DOMINATED beer pong (remember, I was cheating a little bit by not drinking...). I wait two painful days for him to text me and I worried the whole time that he didn't really think I would be worth the time or that he had forgotten me entirely. He finally texts. He asks me out for the next night. I clean house all day, scrubbing almost every inch of our apartment to keep my nerves at bay and to hopefully get it all ready for him to see it. Date got cancelled and my heart sunk. We texted back and forth for hours anyways and found a lot of common interests. He texted me again this morning and we talked for a solid three or four hours before I decided I needed to take a nap before work tonight. Now I'm waiting to get called into work and updating you on my life which was a lot more interesting from my vantage point before blogging it... I need to learn how to tell stories better.

This guy has me staying up for hours at night because I can't stop thinking about him and I keep waking up early. He's in my dreams and I keep replaying the times we danced and hung out even though it was super short-lived. Am I blowing this all out of proportion? Is he going to regret going out with me if/when he discovers he's not going to get a kiss from me unless we get hitched? Roommate's mom was talking him up the whole time I was at her house and I've heard so much about him. I distinctly remember he telling me that she approves of us dating (which is big because she's like family now) and that he would "treat me like a queen." He's pretty much the most wanted eligible bachelor in the three-town area he hangs out in. He's not scared of marriage and he was engaged for a while but they broke up this summer though I haven't heard why. He's giving me butterflies and I'm dreaming about him but can't decide if it's the idea of a sweet country boy liking me or if there is really something here. He's got a great job, he's fixin' to buy a house (in the town I have been dreaming of living in since I was little), and he seems really smart. He likes going to museums which I'm hoping means he likes learning. He likes going to antique stores and is planning on decorating his house with antiques which I think will require tremendous amounts of patience. He can fix a lot, from what I've gathered about his job as a mechanic/everything man. He grew up in the country, on a farm, and knows how to handle animals and crops. Plus, on top of everything else, I think he's pretty stinkin' cute.

This whole thing also brings up a lot of insecurities. Will he decide I'm not worth his time or money? Why did the engagement get broken? Will this make going to the town dances awkward if it doesn't work out? Will he pressure me to break my boundaries? Does he go to church? I know I can ask him that, but I just haven't yet because I'm scared of the answer.

Will I be enough?

I know you have read all this in a lot of my posts and I keep hoping and working to make these fears subside, even if just by a little bit. Will they ever even go away?

Busy, Busy Summer

Guys, I forgot to blog a few weeks ago about my good day and now I can't recall what was so great about it. We'll just talk about other stuff then!

My new job has got me all sorts of excited. I was nervous that I would be overly tired after working nights but after a red bull at about 0200 and another when I start nodding off (only on occasion, I usually don't need the second one) then I am good to stay up for what feels like weeks. Just kidding. But I stay up the whole day, go to work, then stay up the whole next day until it's time for a decent bed hour or slightly before that. I then wake up at my normal 6 a.m. and I'm ready to go again! When I work back-to-back, I will definately have to sleep during the day. However, this up for 36+ hours thing is working for me so far. I think I can even make it work with school.

Also, I love that job. Being able to focus on one patient all night and get to know them and how to make them comfortable is a great feeling. That's also what I love about working NICU. You learn the babies and their likes/dislikes. Then you can make sure to devote your attention to your 3 babies and go from there. It's not like working med/surg where you are running from pt to pt passing meds (if RN), and making sure 6-8 patients have what they need when they need it.

I think I'm going to quit my long term care facility. I love the residents but it's getting hard to even be a CNA now that I've gotten a taste of NICU. Let's be real, if you were able to taste your favorite pie, but had to wait and work really hard just so it could be ready in TWO YEARS, would you be able to handle that well? Ya, I'm struggling with my NICU pie... Until G-d puts me where He wants me, I'll bloom where I'm planted and learn as much as I can along the way.

On that note, I totally embarrassed myself today. I was the float which means that I am a CNA who goes between all four of the courts at my LTC facility and make sure I am helping the floor CNA's with anything I can. So, I did vitals. I took a bunch and they were really low so I made a mental note to go tell the LPN. When I got to her med cart, she had just left for break. Awesome. Now I have to wait. No big deal, I'll just keep going and tell her later. Several hours later my charge nurse comes up to me asking if I took the vitals. I said I did. She asked what I took them with and I told her it was with an automatic wrist cuff. Right then it dawned on me that I forgot to tell the LPN!!! Ugh! She is/was my favorite charge nurse but now I'm too embarrassed to hardly make eye contact with her. I know I get way too embarrassed way too easily, but I thought I was doing okay today. Silly things I forget that just make me feel dumber than dirt. Really, my memory is an issue. I'm going to have to get on top of this because forgetting something might cause someone their life. Today it made someone get late blood pressure meds and they almost didn't get it because my measurement was way too low. Like they were 150/70's but my cuff said 80/40's. I'm giving general numbers, but they were in this ballpark. 

So sorry that I haven't been posting lately, life has just been busy, but a boring busy. It's kind of nice for summer. Talk to y'all later and I hope you're having fun wherever you happen to be in the world.

Trying Something New...

If you've followed me for any length of time, you probably know that I am neurotic and really weird when it comes to dating. I wasn't planning on dating until later into my college career but my plans have changed.

I got a boyfriend today. Wow, that is weird to say.

It's my best friend from last year. He asked me out before and I just wasn't ready. I'm still not ready. However, I'm taking a leap of faith and giving into my heart for once. It may blow up in my face and then I'll be right back on here venting about how stupid I was for ever trying something like this. Maybe I'll learn a thing or two. In fact, I've already learned a bunch of stuff. I learned how to start a hard conversation and how to direct the conversation. That's huge for me because if something makes me uncomfortable (and it's not required for work or something) then I avoid it at all costs. Hard talks are one of those things because I don't want people to know the deep innards of me. That is all mine. It's even hard to go to G-d with that stuff, but He taught me how to do that.

I don't really know what G-d wanted for me with this. I don't know if He was giving me a go-ahead or if He wanted me to be strong and resist. It seems like I can't hear Him lately. I think that's because I'm listening to music constantly and unintentionally ignoring Him. Why is it so hard to focus on listening and talking to Him? I know that He is still there with me regardless of what happens, unless I remove myself from His presence and instruction, however, I also know that I haven't been working so hard to stay close with Him. This lukewarm thing is really not good because I don't know His voice anymore. I haven't heard it in months. What if me dating this boy was actually a really bad idea and I screwed up a ton of stuff? I know G-d can fix it if need be, but I don't want to go through unnecessary heart-ache and pain because that's just silly. I also know that I'm freaking out and that's making me over-think everything right now.

I prayed for faith building and to be able to hear Him last week in church. That is like praying for patience... Asking for those things is sketchy because G-d gives you a billion ways to develop that particular trait instead of just giving you the trait. Needless to say, my week has been rough and I don't know if this whole boyfriend thing is part of that or not. Scary!!!

I'm headed to church. Goodnight y'all and Shabbat Shalom!

Oh my goodness, I forgot to tell you that I'm going out to lunch with him and his mom tomorrow. I'm super nervous. I've met her before and we get along just fine but I'm really awkward and weird.

Popcorn?

I just got invited to go to the movies... by a boy... I have to pick the movie, but this is proving to be a slight dilemma.

Tomorrow I work with my girls so I will talk it over with them a bit.

I'll let you guys know what happens.

Still feel free to give some input. Please, feel free.

Semi-successful Day

All I've done today is study, from 10 a.m. on. Of course, I had minor breaks to eat, stretch, take a nap... and various other things that may have caught my attention at one point or another. But, for the most part, I studied. I really need a high A on my chem test and I can go as low as a C on my psych test tomorrow, but I would like to get higher of course. Unfortunately, it's a beautiful day outside and I am wasting it sitting in my room, relearning all the material needed for finals. Hopefully this will be enough studying, but currently, I'm not so sure that it will be.

It's days like this when I wish I could just clean and pack my dorm room instead. I'd rather be doing almost anything but studying because it's soooooo boring! L-rd willing, this week will go by quickly and successfully and I will get good grades. Then, I can go home and enjoy a week with no classes, no work, and the celebration of my baby brother's graduation from high school. I can't believe I missed most of his senior year because I was busy with my freshman year of college and lived an hour away from him. It's just so weird that we are both almost full-fledged adults (he doesn't turn 18 until the end of August). Thinking on it won't let it be untrue though, so I might as well just suck it up and accept that we can no longer be children, now we have to navigate life on our own. But, I'm pretty excited that he's thinking of coming down to my university for school and he might even get an apartment with me!

Daily Thanksgiving: Today is almost done, which means tomorrow's tests are almost done. That all means that summer is nearly here! I am thankful for the amount of studying that G-d has allowed me to complete today, because I have actually been very productive considering my normal study habits. Also, I am grateful that G-d put in my head to take off from work today, because I would have had much less studying actually completed by now. Instead, I was able to go slow, take my time, relax, and truly learn the material (or so I hope).

Gettin' Nervous

Guys, it's coming down to the wire for so many things. The HESI is in 4 weeks, finals are the week after next, it's time to find an apartment, and I also need to transfer to a hospital so I can work more. So many things to do, it's just a tad bit overwhelming.

Yes, I finally registered for the HESI. I take it in the beginning of June and L-rd willing I pass the test with a high enough score that I can get accepted into nursing school! I forked over the $90 virtually and I'm a little saddened that I had to pay about 1/3 of my paycheck to taking a test. I guess that just means that I really have to study hard and do well so I don't have to take it again.

Currently, I'm at the library working on not procrastinating so much and I'm starting a bunch of my assignment early! So, the procrastinating is only getting cut slightly because I should probably not be writing right now, but I'm a work in progress...

Our apartment hunting went really well today. We found some great places and they are close to school. It scares me a little bit because 1) I'm moving out of my parents house which is so weird and 2) the places that we can afford all smell strange and have some shady characters. Regardless, we found some better places that are still cheap and one doesn't smell terribly funky, so we are making head-way.

Job applications are yet to be sent in. I have heard that I should be able to transfer to a hospital in the same family of owners, so hopefully that is true and I can start working 12 hour shifts instead of 8 hour shifts or a double. I don't think I can handle working a double, I would probably collapse from exhaustion.

Daily Thanksgiving: Apartment hunting was a success, we are closer to the end of our process. G-d kept us safe from the silly drivers found in our little town, because there are some creative driving styles here. I made it to the library instead of taking a nap, which is a success. I also started my 10 page paper a week early, which is a new concept for me, but I hope that when I finish that I feel good. Hopefully that good feeling can translate into the rest of my life and motivate me to not procrastinate and cut down my stress levels. I was feeling pretty sick earlier, but I think G-d is healing me before I actually get super sick! It's a beautiful day out and I may just be able to play football with my friends later. Also, G-d is decreasing my worry and helping me to get my work done before it's all due the same day. I got to have chick-fil-a for lunch which is probably my favorite fast food place ever because they have really nice staff and delicious food.

Super Simple

I'm staying simple today because I'm exhausted and ready for bed!

So, here are my Daily Thanksgivings: I had an excellent day at work today. My residents are making work more fun, now that I am finally getting slightly faster. Also, G-d is making work much easier for me. Today's weather was absolutely gorgeous! I was able to talk to one of my friends about something that I had been scared to talk about, and it actually went really well and I disguised it as a joke, but they got the message. Praise the L-rd for that!!!

Also, 3 weeks of school left before summer! I know I am using a lot of exclamation points, but it's just a good day. I am so ready to be done with school and I am ready to no longer be a freshman. L-rd willing, I will only have 3 years left until I'm a nurse, but we will see how that goes...

How are y'all doing? Any exciting news? Any advice for the HESI coming up here shortly? Are any of you fixin' to take it this summer too? (Lots of questions I know, but join in the conversation, I would love to hear from you and we can freak out about grades and nursing school together!)