Leadership

Whatever job you have, movies you watch, organization you belong to, or family you are in, there is a leader. Sometimes it's you. Sometimes the leader is someone else. Sometimes you share the responsibility or you lead while being under another person's guidance.

You get the point.

Today I started thinking about some stuff. I know, sketchy situation, but it happened.

I was Googling conferences and retreats to go to, when I started thinking about the various conferences and retreats I've been to.

There is a leader who has the idea. They enlist the help of others to help get this idea off the ground. Those people then begin to pick subjects, dates, locations, and the millions of other details that go into such an event. The speakers start to carefully choose the subject matter and words they want to use, and work it over and over until it's "just right".

All of this to say that I feel woefully unprepared to be a leader. I don't feel like I can be a leader for a bible study (the one that I am presently doing). Nor do I feel that I could lead at a church, or at work, or anywhere else. I feel unprepared and subpar.

The thing that I have learned about leaders is that they have often walked some rough roads and learned some really difficult lessons. This isn't always the case, but occurs often. Good leaders need to be able to listen to and respect those they are called to lead. This helps them to be effective and *usually* respected. Leaders typically have some type of wonderful lessons that they teach others, whether on purpose or inadvertently.

We look to leaders to know what to do. To burden the responsibility of decision making so that we can carry out orders without bad outcomes being our fault. We want reassurance or gentle guidance to help us in our quest to fulfill our goals. We want someone to give us tasks to complete in order to help us feel like we have purpose and meaning in what we are doing.

We want someone to have the idea, to carry out a great deal of legwork, and then to present to us an idea that is interesting to us, so that we can partake of the benefits. I do it. I want someone to research the things I am interested in, put it in a pleasing format, and then provide me with the invitation to decide whether I want to hear the info or not. (i.e. Invitations to conferences, with speakers talking on subjects they have studied for years that have piqued my interest. But I want the choice to say no.)



The problem here, and the reason I am writing this post is because I feel people keep shoving me into "leadership" kinds of positions. Sometimes I shove myself into said position. Sometimes there is just a huge push from others. Then, however, I get into said position and flounder. At which pint I get told that it was not the right time. It was too soon. It was wrong.

I know it's not good to simply do things because someone else is telling me to do it, but sometimes we are supposed to follow another person's guidance in order to start something.

I get frustrated because there are times when it seems G-d is calling me to do something. Without telling anyone else about this, I get a friend or family member who encourages me to do this something. So, I do it but it was wrong.

Then I'm left feeling like a fool. I want to climb in a hole, cry myself to sleep, and proceed to not have to wake up. Yeah, this is a bit dramatic for the minute-ness of the situation and I can see that. I also know that I'm not actually going to crawl in a hole and die. For some stupid reason, I keep waking up. Day after day, week after week, month after month. For YEARS. It hasn't stopped me in the last 24+ years. Sometimes I sleep the day away, but there are moments of being awake in there.

The shame of failures does not keep me from going on about my day. It doesn't keep me from talking to the family and friends who shame me, unnecessarily. It doesn't cause me to miss work, or to hide out in bed (unless I don't have anything scheduled that particular day.)



I am, by no means, a leader. I have no desire for the responsibility and I am woefully unprepared.

Somebody please remind me of this when I think to try some type of leadership role in the future. Be the one to save me from humiliation. Somebody be the one to snap me back to my senses and keep me from the pits of self-inflicted troubles. Good gosh, I'm a fool.

Heaping Scoop of Dissappointment

I applied to graduate school for Nurse Midwifery to a campus that is a sister school to my alma mater. I thought it would be amazing! Go to school and graduate somewhere that is in the same school network... go do clinicals up where my parents live so I can just live with them... everything will be wonderful!

Well, I submitted my application and waited. One day, there in my email box, was an email inviting me to an interview day. Yes, they made a whole blessed day out of it. 8-4, there were 2 interviews (with all 16 of the faculty for the program), seminars from: current students, faculty from your specific specialty (there were other nurse practitioner applicants there too and they split us all up), financial aid, and several other people. Then, at the very end of the day, I had to write an essay! *sigh*

Then, I wait. Wait for their decision. Wait in hopes that I get in. Wait in trepidation that I wasn't what they were looking for, even though I was supposedly chosen out of hundreds of other applicants for this interview day.

This morning, after night shift, I got the call that I didn't get in. It's a bummer.

I called my mom and told her, but not with any more emotion than could be mustered to just state it matter-of-factly. She encouraged me that whatever the L-rd wants to have happen, will happen. "Maybe there are trips or something else you need to be available for," she suggested, in true Mom fashion. "Yeah," was all I could respond.

While I am not at the point of tears (because I believe my give-a-damn was broken with the trauma), I am disappointed. This was my first choice of schools. I have had so many other people apply to graduate school around me, and several of them were accepted to several schools on the first try! I keep hoping that they will email me back and tell me that the first email was a mistake and that I was actually accepted, but that longing seems to be more of the bargaining stage in my journey to acceptance.

It's funny because about a week ago, my mom met this lady who's daughter is one of the faculty members for the nurse-midwifery program at the university I wanted to attend. They got to talking and the lady gave my mom this faculty member's email and encouraged me to reach out to her. So, I emailed the lady, saying that "my mom met your mom and they wanted me to email you" but she never responded. It is awkward to begin with, but worse now that I know I wasn't accepted.

I don't really want to wait until next year to begin school, only because I wanted to graduate 2020 to keep my high school graduation (2012) even with my college graduation (2016) then grad school to be finished in 2020. How pretty is that?! Alas, it doesn't seem like it will happen. Plus, I want to get married and start a family at some point. I was really hoping to graduate and be settled before this happens.

Only the L-rd knows why things happen the way that they do. All I can do is pray and follow His lead.



In less painful news, I quit my position at the NICU. For those of you that haven't read all of my happenings; I was working NICU and L&D, for several months now. When I first moved back here, I was hired for L&D, but there was no position open. I know what you are thinking, why hire somebody for a position that is not open?! Yeah, I'm not sure. Regardless, the managers of L&D decided that they still wanted me, but bargained with me that I could be hired and would need to work Mom/Baby while waiting for an L&D position to open up.

I was so torn. I had had offers for several NICU positions around the state. I didn't want to give up my critical care specialty for anything other than a position that would be able to further my career. As such, I bargained with that manager, and the NICU manager that offered me a position at a level 3 NICU at the same time. I got both managers agree to let me work both jobs at the same time, with working part-time at both places. They both agreed, and both agreed to be "flexible" with my scheduling to assist me with this endeavor.

Fast-forward about a month and a half into working NICU: I have already had several scheduling problems with NICU because the people in charge of scheduling will not email me back after several weeks! My manager called me to yell at me, and I stood my ground. I gave her evidence and explained to her the many, many ways I had tried to resolve the issue, with no success. HR had emailed about how the unit could be improved and I responded with several pages worth of diplomatically worded suggestions. Spoiler alert: none of those changes were made. Shocker, I know. Continue on in my journey there, and I find out about legal actions being taken, they refuse to train me to the level 3 kids (even though I have level 3 experience and they begin training those hired after me to train to the critical kids before me), they continue to con me into working day shift holidays where I am losing time with my family as well as night shift differential. The list goes on!

The reason I stayed so long, is that I thought I needed to work NICU for 2 years before I could get my critical care nurse certification (RNC). About 4 days ago, I was reading over the requirements again, and I discovered I needed 2 years as an RN, but only some of my career needed to be in NICU!!! WHAT A WONDERFUL DISCOVERY!!!

I learned this little tidbit, while I was working L&D and I was nearly singing and dancing in the halls! I told everyone of my coworkers about it!!! Suddenly, my decision was clear: quit NICU. Life is too short to be dreading every. single. shift. Work is not the end-all-be-all of life. We work to be able to afford fun things, trips, food, etc. I don't need to sustain this life of being miserable at a work where management does not treat me well, my license is not safe to practice there, I don't agree with their practices, they continually screw me out of pay while requiring more and more from me, and day-shift (plus many night-shifters) are rude and miserable there as well!

So I quit. Then, I worked an L&D shift and they all celebrated with me. Such joy from my coworkers! They shared how glad they were that I am there. They fought over keeping me on their pod (we have 2 with a little hallway in between). The patients are communicated the same information from everybody, so they are grateful and understanding of the care they receive. (NICU nurses at the other place were regularly told different things from each nurse/nurse practitioner/doctor they encountered because there are no protocols and everybody practices based on how they were trained somewhere else.) While there are still people that I clash with in L&D, we are largely coherent on night shift, and even several of day shift people. They encourage my sarcastic jokes, dark humor, and general personality quirks. They like my hard-work and how much I try to help my patients through labor and delivery. They like that I do my best to continually learn and improve and help others when I can. They understand me better.

I like it here.

Well, that's not what I expected.

Y'all remember the date I was going to go on? It ended up getting cancelled because of weather. The guy lives about an hour outside of town and his town was getting hammered with snow and the roads were really icy so we decided to postpone. My heart sunk a little when he texted me that but we ended up talking anyways, well, texting. I am really looking forward to going out with him and I hope he really is too. Besides the panic attacks and bad nervousness that is typically accompanying me, I am not normally one to get worked up or excited about boys. This guy, though. Let's just go over my schedule from the time he asked for my number until now.

We danced. He asked for my number. We danced again. We went to a party and DOMINATED beer pong (remember, I was cheating a little bit by not drinking...). I wait two painful days for him to text me and I worried the whole time that he didn't really think I would be worth the time or that he had forgotten me entirely. He finally texts. He asks me out for the next night. I clean house all day, scrubbing almost every inch of our apartment to keep my nerves at bay and to hopefully get it all ready for him to see it. Date got cancelled and my heart sunk. We texted back and forth for hours anyways and found a lot of common interests. He texted me again this morning and we talked for a solid three or four hours before I decided I needed to take a nap before work tonight. Now I'm waiting to get called into work and updating you on my life which was a lot more interesting from my vantage point before blogging it... I need to learn how to tell stories better.

This guy has me staying up for hours at night because I can't stop thinking about him and I keep waking up early. He's in my dreams and I keep replaying the times we danced and hung out even though it was super short-lived. Am I blowing this all out of proportion? Is he going to regret going out with me if/when he discovers he's not going to get a kiss from me unless we get hitched? Roommate's mom was talking him up the whole time I was at her house and I've heard so much about him. I distinctly remember he telling me that she approves of us dating (which is big because she's like family now) and that he would "treat me like a queen." He's pretty much the most wanted eligible bachelor in the three-town area he hangs out in. He's not scared of marriage and he was engaged for a while but they broke up this summer though I haven't heard why. He's giving me butterflies and I'm dreaming about him but can't decide if it's the idea of a sweet country boy liking me or if there is really something here. He's got a great job, he's fixin' to buy a house (in the town I have been dreaming of living in since I was little), and he seems really smart. He likes going to museums which I'm hoping means he likes learning. He likes going to antique stores and is planning on decorating his house with antiques which I think will require tremendous amounts of patience. He can fix a lot, from what I've gathered about his job as a mechanic/everything man. He grew up in the country, on a farm, and knows how to handle animals and crops. Plus, on top of everything else, I think he's pretty stinkin' cute.

This whole thing also brings up a lot of insecurities. Will he decide I'm not worth his time or money? Why did the engagement get broken? Will this make going to the town dances awkward if it doesn't work out? Will he pressure me to break my boundaries? Does he go to church? I know I can ask him that, but I just haven't yet because I'm scared of the answer.

Will I be enough?

I know you have read all this in a lot of my posts and I keep hoping and working to make these fears subside, even if just by a little bit. Will they ever even go away?

Liar Liar

This Valentine's Day, my best friend presented me with a teddy bear and a rose. He had asked me out in the past (about a year prior) and I told him we would have to wait to reassess upon our graduation from college. I made the foolish decision to throw that rule out the window and we decided to "try this thing out."

Big mistake.

I saw that we wouldn't work as anything more than friends since before he asked me out last year. I ignored that. Our faith is different. I ignored that. Everything that works as opposites for friends but causes huge problems in a deeper relationship, I ignored.

So, about a month and a half after this thing started, I ended it.

The worst feeling for me is the feeling of disappointing someone I love. I love him but not in a romantic way, it's in a way that I can't even explain. I have never seen someone so hurt because of my actions. I knew that breaking up with someone would be hard, but I didn't realize in what capacity. It's rough guys. But at the same time, it is necessary in some instances if the relationship is against G-d's will.

If you are thinking of getting into a relationship, listen to G-d and your gut feelings. If it seems like a bad decision but your friends, family, and mentors talk you into it, ignore them. If someone has to talk you into it then it's likely not right to begin with.

For years everyone around me (and very few of them know each other) has been trying to talk me into getting into a relationship. For some reason, they feel that I would benefit from having a boyfriend. They have told me it would be fun, good experience, complimenting to my personality, etc. They lied.

For me: having a boyfriend was not fun, it was an increased amount of stress, anxiety attacks, and worsened depression; the good experience part was not entirely false, but it was experience of how selfish I am and how to hurt my closest friend; our personalities complimented each other when we were friends, but in a relationship of this magnitude we were toxic to each other.

They lied. I was foolish. Life sucked because I was outside of G-d's instruction. Also, I feel like a freakin' psycho path because I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would after the break up. 1) He was so stinkin' sweet and said he just needed time, but that we would be friends again. 2) I felt bad that I disappointed him, but I also felt free for the first time in a long time. Shouldn't break ups hurt both people equally? Shouldn't I be incapacitated with grief? Shouldn't I have shed some tears for the friend that I broke?

Good news: I learned to not listen to anyone who tells me to go against what I know G-d has put on my heart, not even my mom or G-dly mentors. We never kissed, even though I was considering it. I learned how selfish I am and I now understand why G-d didn't give me a boyfriend every time I asked Him for one (especially the ones I asked Him for.) I am learning to talk about the hard stuff in life that I'm used to brushing under the rug and ignoring until it goes away. I can hear G-d again when I wasn't able to for several months before and during this whole thing happened. I also learned that no matter how strong the friendship, that won't necessarily make a good relationship. However, if you are friends before the relationship it is more likely that you can be friends afterwards. The friendship will probably change, and not likely in the best way, but you will not necessarily have an enemy. They are also more likely to be understanding as to why you broke up.

For now, I am self medicating with children's movies, work, some Chick-fil-a, and a touch of cookie dough. That day keeps playing over and over in my head and I want to talk to my best friend but he's the one I broke. So, isolation is setting in but at the same time I feel relieved that it's over. I'm taking my hurt to G-d and asking G-d to heal my friend who is hurting much worse than I am. I successfully ruined both of our spring breaks and I changed our friendship forever (or at least the foreseeable future.)

My advice is that you don't jump into anything too rashly. Listen to what G-d is telling you and actually do it. Know that not every friendship is conducive to a romantic (YUCK! I regretted this word choice as I was typing it, but it is what it is.)

Down in a Valley

Mere hours ago I was encouraged and happy. Right now, I have been slammed down to the bottom of a valley. It was quick and gave me major whiplash but it's nothing I can't recover from.

Here's the problem: Life was fine and dandy and then work called. You know that heart sinking feeling when you see them on the caller i.d.? It's brutal. The thought flashed through my mind, don't answer it. In hindsight, it was probably the L-rd trying to keep me from trouble. Well, not real trouble, just the great regret that comes from signing on for shifts at my current CNA job.

Needless to say, I answered the phone anyhow. My manager asked if I wanted to work tomorrow (Friday) but I told her I had class. Then she asked if I could work Saturday. That's a big fat NO. She remembered right away and took it back but not before asking me to work next Friday. Man alive! This lady does not quit. I'm thinkin' someone quit recently or got fired because there are a whole lot of shifts open that were not there a few days ago.

Would you know that my nursing class decided to plan a party for the same night? I learned about it just after I accepted that stinkin' shift. They are fixin' to go to a nice dinner and then go ice skating. I've wanted to go ice skating for years!

So, instead of having fun with my class to celebrate passing our first semester of nursing school, I will be covering someone else's shift at a job that makes my stomach hurt and gives me a headache just thinking about it. My body is filled with dread. I think I may be developing ulcers.

Question is: Should I go ahead and call back saying that I already had plans that I did not realize when she called me the first time? Truly, I did have plans, they just changed from Thursday night to Friday night unexpectedly. However, do I really want to go out spendin' a bunch of my money, spending time with people that I only barely like? It'll be better than working until 11 p.m. with resident's who are sun-downing and a partner who will bestow a great deal of stress upon me for either not hardly working or for working too fast and not giving me a chance to put my residents to bed.

What do I do?

Short Story

Okay, I know I'm ridiculously wordy and I think that is because I don't know what info to include in stories and what to leave out. So, I am going to try to make this a short post/story today. Ready?

My week: Pop quiz in Patho and in BHA. Got 50% on Patho pop quiz and 20% on BHA's. Pharm test and Patho quiz due today, both online. Study for 3 days. Pharm test completed with at least 6 wrong (more to be graded by prof.), lowest figured grade is C. Patho quiz = 19/30. I QUIT!!! What was I thinking?

Marriage Study

As a follow-up to my "Personal News" post, I did a word study on marriage. Did it clarify anything about the purpose of marriage? No, not even a little bit. I have noticed, however, that G-d is bringing this topic up in all aspects of my life though. It's kinda strange, but it is also how I know that He is talking to me and He is laying it on my heart. I kinda wish I understood why I need to know so much about this subject, but that is still very unclear.

After independent study and a few Google searches, I have arrived at the point that marriage mainly does 3 things:

1. Provides community (more stable environment for child rearing, friendship, strength, love*, etc)
2. Allows for safe procreation (because who doesn't want little mini-me's running around? Having kids is like doing experiments to see what characteristics of each parent they get! I know that sounds bad, but I hope you admit that it is pretty cool seeing this thing grow in you/your wife and then you get to meet the kid and watch them grow up...)
3. It is a metaphor of Yeshua's love for His people (Jews and Gentiles alike who trust in Him)

Why? I still do not know and I likely will never fully understand. Unfortunately, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if it is right for me. I don't know that I am stable enough to be in a relationship or if I could weather life with another person. How do I know if the guy that dates me fore years and then proposes is the right person for me? Will there be regrets? Will we drive each other up the wall for the first few years or will we be that couple that is in Honeymoon phase for the first decade. Will I survive if he dies first? How will marriage affect my career? If I get married out of nursing school, should I go straight into midwifery school or should I wait and get settled as a nurse in case we have children? If I do wait on becoming a CNM, when would be the best time to go back to school? Where will we live? Will my parents be able to live long enough to see their grandkids? Will my puppy be able to meet them? (She is my current baby, but she's close to 8 or 9 right now...) Where will we live? Should we move to a state that does not require the stupid flu vaccine? Should we move to another country that is more CNM friendly? Ahhhhh! What does the future hold?

Forgive the minor meltdown there, live just isn't what I thought it would be. Do you ever have that experience? You know, something that you thought would be so cool isn't actually all that you thought it would be? I think I am doing that with marriage. I know that was the truth for getting into nursing school, getting my first car, buying my own computer, having a boy like me for the first time, etc. etc. etc. Nothing makes me as happy as I think it is going to make me. On the other hand, the only thing that truly makes me happy is G-d and then He makes me more happy than I ever expected. It makes me wish that I never would have watched t.v. ever, because then I would be able to experience life for myself without having these preconceived notions that something will be so great when it actually isn't in real life.

So, will I have regrets when I get married because I am thinking marriage will be some great thing? I'm not making it out to be a Cinderella story. Let's be real, that's not even my cup of tea. But will I be disappointed with what married life really is? I just want a friend that will be with me for a really long time. Lately, I have seen too many marriages end after 10-25 years because one spouse starts cheating, or they are abusive to the other, or someone's midlife crisis just gets control of them so they split. Will that be my story? Will I have to bear that burden? Would I even be able to survive?

Marriage is so much more than what they show in the movies and on t.v. I'm not even married and I am skeptical that it is something that I would be strong enough to do. Is this G-d telling me that I will never be married or is this Him getting me ready for the harsh reality that marriage is not all fun and games?
 

A Glimpse Inside My Brain

Now, this whole blog has kind of morphed into a diary of my inner thoughts and experiences. I don't know if that is good for you or not yet, I'm still collecting and analyzing data from this little experiment. Regardless, I will share the random thought I had last night.

I was driving home at 11:20ish last night, just thinking about life. I started to think about how my "thing" has always been school and good grades. I have never been good at sports. Never been the class clown or even a social butterfly. I associate my identity, some of it, with being the quiet girl that sits in the back and does really well at school (sometimes, even without studying). College has since crushed that identity. I think that is why I was so distraught when I got an A- last year. The B I got in Micro was tough to take, but G-d has relieved my initial upsetness (that's now a word) over getting this grade that I viewed as being unacceptable. At the heart of this problem, though, is the fact that I realized I am just a typical person. That's disappointing. Doesn't everyone want to be extraordinary?

The more I thought about my ordinary life, the more I realized that my life is the "typical" type of life. I was a college freshman that lived in the dorms. Now I live in an apartment 5 minutes from school. I got my first job at 16. I went through school in the grade that I was supposed to be in (no skipping grades because I was super smart) and I was usually in the average class, not the accelerated classes. I graduated in the typical fashion, but didn't go to my actual graduation because it was on a Saturday. I grew up in the suburbs, rode a school bus to school or walked. I was not someone to finish high school by age 12 and become a full-fledged MD by 18. I was not born into royalty and not many people know my name. I may never actually do anything extraordinary in life, but that's for G-d to decide. So, I have to learn how to serve the L-rd in my typical, ordinary life. School is not my identity. I can only get my identity from the Creator. Period.

Disappointing End, But Finished Nonetheless

I got a 65% on my micro comprehensive final and received a B in the class overall. I am disappointed with myself, but I'm finished with the class and passed it so that's good.

My visit with my mom was wonderful. She took us out to dinner and having someone else cook whatever you feel like eating is a beautiful treat.

Today, Sunday, is the day I usually work but I took it off to begin studying and reading for my week-long nutrition class. I am slightly more motivated to do well in this class because I don't want any more B's ever again in my college career. A-'s are hard enough to bear, I can't stand anything lower than that. I have discovered that I am more inclined to study before I am stressed out and behind for a class. So, that's what I'm doing today. When I get behind and feel so pressured, I just want to throw in the towel. Therefore, from now on, I am going to try to stay ahead of the game to keep my cortisol levels down, some anxiety at bay, and maybe I will even have some free-time this year! Doubt it, but it could happen.

Off to the grocery store to buy things for Chicken Coconut soup. It sounds weird, I know. But it's not sweet and it's lactose and gluten intolerant friendly. I am slightly lactose intolerant, it makes my face break out and sometimes makes me sick. It's really unfortunate though because I love creamy, milk laden, meals and cheese. So, coconut milk gives me the sense that I am eating what I used to be able to eat and enjoy. I'll post the recipe soon.

Daily Thanksgiving: Micro is complete. I don't have work today. I get to eat Coconut Chicken Soup!

Sippin' Sweet Tea

Just sittin' here sippin' some home-made sweet tea wishing the sugar hadn't settled to the bottom (I'm drinking the last bit of it and boy howdie! It is far too sweet for me.) I took my lab practical and final chapter exam Wednesday and I take my comprehensive final today.

Chapter Exam: 72% after adjustments
Lab Practical: 88% (I'm really pleased with this score because I was sure I hadn't done very well)
Comprehensive Final: I will update you later

I am having huge troubles studying though! 1) I have never taken a true comprehensive final before. My teacher says she gives the same final every semester to see how she is doing with teaching, but I heard it is ridiculously hard. Like, harder than her other tests. Plus, I heard this from some of the smartest people in our class who had to take it early because they have lives this summer. 2) I calculated the minimum score I need to pass the class. It's a 0. So, if I wanted to pass with a C and not worry about it anymore, then I could just skip this silly test. 3) I calculated what I need to pass with a B. That's only 30/120 points. This was probably a really bad thing to do because I have not been studying well all day. Knowing that an A is impossible and passing is a sure-thing, I have given up my fight with this class. I just don't care. That's not totally true. I do care, but I'm one of those people that will give up trying so hard for something if the outcome is so certain (as is the case here). I kinda wish I wasn't like this, but I wish that I would have done a million things differently this summer instead so that my A could have been earned, even if I did have to fight really hard for it. At least then I would know that I did my best. I think that's what bugs me about not getting A's. It's the fact that there is a score reminding me that I did not live up to my expectations or goals, especially when I only had this one class to take!

C'est la vie, eh?

On the bright side, my mom is here at our apartment and she brought... my Punkin! (Yes, I know I technically spelled that wrong, but that's how I pronounce it). It's my dog. The sweet, miracle of a dog G-d blessed me with in the 6th grade who embodies the entirety of a 6-8 page journal prayer. I still have the prayer too. She is my baby and I have missed her so much! When I come home, or when she gets to see me after being apart for a long time, she is so happy that she does this little wriggle thing and starts whining. The whining is super weird for her because she never whines or barks, unless there is an intruder or some kind of danger or when she sees me, I guess.

Work went really well yesterday. I worked with my favorite CNA and my favorite LPN last night. Both of them are trying to set me up with the LPN's brother. Good news there: he's not moving here anymore. He is on the army reserve and could not get transferred to this state from his home state so now I don't really have to worry about this fictional relationship suddenly coming to life. They are still quite convinced we'll find each other in some romantic, serendipitous way and he'll bring me home to meet his family where I will find the LPN welcoming me to the family with open arms. Me: ya, that's not gonna happen. But, I kept up with the girl who works that floor every night and I even had harder people. Well, normally they are harder, but everyone was completely exhausted last night. Normally, some people will stay up until 10 or 11 p.m. Everyone was in bed by 8:30... It was beautiful!

More to come tonight if I can remember. Daily Thanksgiving will likely be done then too. Hey, are y'all trying the thanksgiving thing? You know, everyday you find something new to be thankful to G-d for, even silly stuff like no traffic jam or sleepy residents. It can change your life and prevent the psychology thing of one wrong thing making you think of everything else that went bad that day. Just try it, it's good stuff.

Off to take a shower, get ready for my comprehensive final and then... NO MORE MICROBIOLOGY!!! Plus, shopping with my mom. Yay!

Freshman Year Is Nearly Complete!

With all of my classes completed, now I just have to turn in my English paper and take my three finals and then I am free!!! Of course, the freedom only lasts for a week and I won't really be completely free because I have to study for the HESI... but I won't have any actual school for a little bit which is so very nice. Praise the L-rd!

Today I went and volunteered at a free medical clinic as a CNA and I absolutely loved it. I had such a good time. My main job is to call a patient back, get their vitals, history, medications, and what they are in the office for. Then I let the doctor know that the patient is there and that's it. The rest of the time we stand around talking and doing other stuff. Tonight I learned about a month long EMT course and a two week long course (only 2 classes a week) after that to become certified for IV's. Seeing as I wanted to be an EMT first instead of becoming a CNA, I am so excited about this possibility, but I don't have time nor money for the class... So, we will see if it's something G-d wants me to do or not. The frustrating thing about finding this kind of information is that I wanted to be an EMT first, but then got my CNA. So now I am at a crossroads because I am already licensed and I paid for one class, which was nearly $1000! Now, I find a class that I was originally interested in, so do I shell out another $1000 to get that license as well? Did I just waste $1000 getting a now useless license? Now I probably can't even get reimbursed for the CNA course because the administrators did not get my paperwork done in time and nobody is letting me know what's going on with anything. But that is also partly my fault for not pestering them more so that I could actually be made a priority in order to get what I needed. So very frustrating!

Daily Thanksgiving: I'm done with classes. I got to volunteer. My paper was peer reviewed and found to be "excellent" (paraphrasing) by the girl who read it. Opportunities are being presented for lots of stuff in my life, I just have to wait on G-d to tell me if I should act on it or not.

Bad Habits

The funny thing about habits is that it is difficult to train yourself in good habits, but bad habits get picked up without our awareness. Did you know you can also teach people habits? Like the habit of how others treat you, or act around you. Sometimes it even the habit of asking/not asking you for things. Of course, these are only just a few little things that can become other peoples habits of interaction with you, but you can totally control how you allow them to treat you in the first place!

Unfortunately, I have allowed my friends to develop bad habits when it comes to being with me. Things that are pet peeves of mine, but also very disrespectful behaviors towards me. These behaviors are difficult to stop and reverse, my goodness! This is all about boundaries too. If you set up your boundaries in the first place, and keep them firm, then your friends will quickly learn to avoid trying to push them aside. If you don't know your boundaries until after a behavior has already started, it can be very difficult to change their actions after they have become accustomed to treating you a certain way. So, since I did not have proper boundaries (because I was unaware I needed boundaries for something, or I was unsure how to enforce boundaries I had already deemed worthy of respecting) and my friends have learned to interact with me without those boundaries, I am in a mess with several of my friends. Some of the interactions are not terrible, and the boundaries are more to keep me from getting hurt by people taking advantage of me or to avoid friends being rude to me without thinking twice about it. However, some are relating to things beyond just myself, and they are reaching into my future with my husband, my children, and the rest of my life. Of course, all boundaries are reaching into areas that I have discussed with G-d and have been set as ways to avoid sin and temptation (whether that be temtation to fight back when someone is making fun of me for no reason to get some laughs, or the temptation to do things outside of marriage that I have determined - with G-d - are not things I am going to do).

So, how do I begin enforcing boundaries now that many of them have been broken? I have no clue and that is causing me a great deal of distress. For now, I will pray about it and hopefully I will be able to get back to you with how to do this and also how it is working...

Daily Thanksgiving: I only have 3 weeks of school left, including finals week. My anxiety about grades has gone down because G-d is helping me to accept that I cannot change the grades that I have already received. Work is getting better and the weather was beautiful today!


Today was just a strange day for me. Did anyone else have a weird day? I couldn't explain it, but I was angry and super cynical and on edge. Maybe it's because I got my chem test back and realized I made really silly mistakes. Perhaps it the fact that Z is so upset about what happened with B this weekend. Or it could be any number of other things on my long, long, LONG list of things that I am stressed out about and trying to give to G-d. I don't know, but I wanted to punch something and not talk to anyone. In fact, I still want to punch something and have no social interaction for a long time, as of now anyway... This has lasted for a few days, but it's just now getting much worse so that it is almost tangible with me.

Failed My Test

Okay, I am not completely sure that I totally failed my chem test, but I just took it and I am 98% sure I legitimately failed the test. I did the study guide but half the stuff my teacher asked about wasn't even on the study guide!!! Why? She says everything that will be on the test will be on the study guide, but that's not the case. I miss my old teacher. She gave us huge study packets and actually talked about chemistry in a language I understood. I should have stayed with her. Also, I should have kept my original A&P Lab time because I am not pleased with my current lab instructor, who is also different than last semester. I am just regretting so many life decisions, you have no idea.

I'll keep you guys updated about my test grade, I get it back tonight or tomorrow...

On a brighter subject, I got a 97% on my English paper so that cheered me up, until I took my test. So, I was in a good mood for all of 8 hours (and I was asleep most of those 8 hours).


Why did I have to make such foolish decisions about everything in my life!?!

By the way, I called home last night because I was about to lose it. Then I let it slip that my depression is coming back and my anxiety is getting much worse. Talk about freaking your parents out! I took it back right away and told my mom I was good, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't believe me. That poor woman, and my poor dad are always having to reassure me that life is alright. I feel bad for making them worry, but it just slipped out. I need to learn how to fix my depression and anxiety so that this doesn't keep happening because right now it is so bad, I am actually physically sick. I will likely live, it's nothing big, but I get so frustrated because I cannot figure out how to control this nonsense! Then that just makes matters worse and it's a cycle that keeps getting increasingly more difficult and problematic. Maybe I have bi-polar disorder... Or maybe I'm just a hypochondriac...

Completely Fed Up

Do y'all ever have those days were you are just fed up with everything? You don't want to work, or go to school, or have friends or even breath...

Ya, I'm having one of those months.

I love my friends. I like my job and I'm very grateful I have employment. I am truly thankful for the opportunity to go to college to further my career and I am also very grateful that G-d allows me to continue breathing. Today, I am just having a tough time. Maybe it's the mid-April snow storm or the fact that I have a billion, potentially life-changing decisions to make. Or it could just be that my brain's chemistry is off, especially today, causing this extreme discombobulation that is accompanying my demeanor. I don't know what it is, but it's bummin' me out! Also, it could likely be attributed to the fact that I got B's on every test I had last week, after I thought I had worked really hard to get better grades, because I was not being self-disciplined enough to stop hanging out with friends... On second thought, it could be that last one that is making me want to give up, not only at school, but at life because honestly, I don't know what I'm doing with my life!

I just want to know what my purpose on this planet is. I know we are here to give G-d glory and to allow His plans to go through, but do I have a bigger purpose? Some people "cure" diseases or save lives. Others make the world a better place by giving orphans a home and providing meals for those who don't have food. Yet others do other stuff that has some significant impact on the world and the general well-being of others. As for me, I don't do anything. I am just a student, quiet and shy. Timid and I used to be decent at school, but that is not necessarily the case any longer. I have friends that get to know me on the surface as I delve deeper into who they are, only to be deserted a few months or years down the road for someone else. I have been a best friend to countless others while I am still very lonely, and without a mate, myself. I am a daughter and sister. I am the oldest grandchild on my dad's side and just one of a bunch on my mom's side. I am a CNA who makes too many mistakes to count, and I'm almost surprised they haven't talked to me or fired me yet for making the other CNA's late all the time in their daily schedules. I was an unnoticeable cashier but now I stick with my life-long dilemma of no one remembering my name, or even my face.

It's times like these when I wonder what is going on? Why are we here? Do I even have a bigger purpose or am I just a space-filler? Does anybody get me or am I just an undetectable island? Will there ever be a friend that gives me what I give to them? I don't need much, just someone to hear me when I can't find anyone. I need someone who will sit with me when I just need to know someone else is there. I need someone to be silly with, but who I can also pour my heart out to as they make sense of the mess within me. I need a wise mentor who is also looking for advice from me.

I need to be needed... understood... accepted... nurtured... loved.

Sinking Feeling

Hey guys, I got my grades back from all of my tests last week. I got a B on all of them... I am so frustrated with myself! I totally could have studied more and studied harder and for longer, but I didn't. So, I got a B on my anatomy lecture and lab tests, and also a B on my Psych exam. Now I'm just waiting for my English paper to be graded because I turned that in today, with a sinking suspicion that I did not do well. The only good grade I got all last week was a 19/20 on my chem quiz. Yes, I know that B's are not the end of the world, nor are they bad grades, I am simply frustrated with myself because this was my last chance to bring my grades up in Anatomy and in Chem, but I blew it! Well, I haven't taken my chem test yet, that's on Wednesday and I better get to studying for it right now.

I am so stressed out about grades, the HESI, summer classes, school, housing next year and verything else, I think I may just have a panic attack...

These types of days make me wonder how I think I can even get into nursing school. Or, how can I make it as a nurse? I don't know how this is going to happen because I can't even get through the prereques with good grades and sanity, how am I ever supposed to go through nursing school and be an RN? The only way is by complete miracles from G-d because everyone, especially me, knows that I cannot do this!

Moving on to daily thanksgivings... I am thankful that I get to go home this weekend for my parent's 19th wedding anniversary. I am finished with last week and will be able to pick up and move on because I can't change my tests now. I am finished with Monday and I have amazing friends who are supporting me through my ridiculous bouts with anxiety and random spurts of depression. G-d has truly blessed me with incredible, supportive, sweet people to help me through so many struggles, even when they are all in my head (which is the majority of the time). Also, G-d didn't let me fail one test last week. Even though I am not pleased with my grades, He provided me with decent grades and if He wants me to have A's, then I will have A's. If not, then I will be thankful that He allows me to pass my prereques.