As you might well know, from my many posts, I have moved back to the city I lived in during college (a.k.a. College Town, as named for my blog).
This also just so happens to be the city in which I lived through the worst year of my life, 2015.
2015 was a terrible year, filled with 2 relationships that were exceedingly toxic and abusive. I was sexually assaulted/raped, mentally imprisoned, physically abused, and otherwise harmed in most ways possible. Through these occurrences, I developed terrible depression, complex PTSD (which was made worse by my friend's suicide the year prior), and I participated in smoking and self-harm as ways of attempting to cope.
Often, in my experiences as a nurse, and general experiences as a human, I have been slapped in the face with comments, made by unknowing people.
Usually these include jokes about suicide or self-harm. Other times they are people lying about sexual assault and rape in order to remain out of trouble or to get attention. And still, there are instances that fall in and out of that range.
Recently, my ability to cope was tested as someone mentioned to me that "they don't believe most rape victims have actually been raped. Most of the time these girls didn't say 'no' strongly enough or contributed to the drinking and merely had sex that they regretted in the morning."
*deep breath*
For those of you who don't know my full story, just know that these are two very triggering statements for me 1) that the 'no' was not forceful enough and 2) that because the girl was drunk, it is automatically her fault because she was drinking.
Let me preface this by saying that sometimes people lie. Maybe someone is lying about having sex and regretting it in the morning and they feel that claiming it as "rape" is going to lessen their guilt or somehow get them sympathy. Let me also say that I have a tendency to believe people if they claim they have been assaulted, because if it's false then it'll eat away at them as they meet true victims. If it doesn't, then hey, not my problem. I would rather believe people and treat them with extra gentleness, than to assume that everyone is lying.
With that being said, the details of my story often keep me up at night. I have worked for years at grounding techniques and trying to remember all of the events that I unfortunately survived over the course of living through the hell I experienced in 2015.
My attackers were boyfriends. With 1, I question whether my "no" was strong enough, because I froze. I told him "no" about 50 times, maybe more. However, my body was frozen apart from moving his hands away and trying to keep myself safe. There are about 15-20 minutes that I cannot account for because my brain shut off and I had a sort of "flashback" but I didn't go into the past, I just went somewhere else in my brain. I remember my thoughts through that unaccounted time, but I cannot remember reality.
I struggle with knowing I could have done something, but I couldn't, all at the same time. Especially after taking self-defense, I know that my desires to kick him in the face and run, were absolutely acceptable and encouraged behaviors because of what he was doing. But I didn't do it, because I couldn't grasp the gravity of the situation in that particular moment.
My second boyfriend (of about 2.5 months at the time) knowingly got me drunk and likely drugged me. We had been planning to go out dancing and drinking. Like a fool, I told him my limit was 3 drinks, and asked him to hold my drink when I went out to dance. It was a night where we were given 2 free shots of various whiskey to encourage people to buy these brands. This, along with him getting me refill after refill (without my knowledge) and then encouraging me to chug, ended up causing me to drink too much. He knew I trusted him, and he knew I wasn't able to keep track of him being gone when I was dancing with my friends. He had been charming and fun for the few months we were together, until that night. The next memory I have was waking up next to him, naked, in a hotel room. I didn't know where I was, what had happened, or how to get home.
This is a struggle for me because I was counting my own drinks. I know to not drink too much. I know when to cut myself off. I trusted him. He claimed he wanted to help me after having been hurt by my first boyfriend. He claimed to have "over-the-moon" feelings for me. He claimed to want to marry me... after only a couple months of dating. We had had our fights, but he typically ended up working out a decent deal to "compromise" with me. After that night, he fought with me on religion, virginity, giving my body to him (he even claimed scripture for this, even though he is not a believer), and he fought me on everything.
With the two comments made about rape/sexual assault victims in relation to lying, saying "no", and drinking, I am at a war. I war within myself nearly every day whether I was truly abused the way I have had to convince myself I was, or if I'm making these things up and merely regret having sex with guys I hadn't even planned to kiss. Which, is a form of assault in it's own right, technically. But those are stories for another day.
And so, I lost hours of precious sleep, that I already don't get enough of, battling in my own head over words spoken out of unknowing. In the conversation, in which those comments were made, the person I spoke with prefaced the conversation saying they "had not had anyone in their family raped" and that these were just their findings in their limited control group of people who had claimed to have been assaulted/raped (a group of maybe 2 people). So, at least they acknowledged that. But it still stings.
It stings to not even believe my own memory, because of somebody's opinion about something that has never personally effected them or someone they love and know dearly. It stings to have to battle in my own head and lose sleep over such small comments. It stings to not be able to easily discern reality from nightmares, because your life is worse than your worst nightmare.
Grounding is exhausting in these situations and for someone who has been working 6 days a week, between 2 new jobs and learning all of the "new", it is especially difficult to bring myself back to the facts. To prove to myself that the labels of "rape" and "abuse" given by my counselor truly fit the relationships I had. Then, for days, my brain is recounting and dredging up all of the examples it can muster, and even some I had forgotten, in order to prove to me that I am not "crazy" for believing in my traumatic past.
And so the past haunts the present. It lurks in the corner of every new adventure. It tests out every new friendship, and holds it to standards that are unbeknownst to me. All I get are the results of the test: don't trust anyone and keep it to myself.
I don't talk about my past anymore. The more new people I meet, and the more I go on with life, the fewer people I tell. I told nobody in Small Town, and I don't plan on telling anyone here. The only people that will know, already know, and those were even probably not great choices. Thing is, it's not fair to keep it to yourself and it's not healthy. Counselors can't be the only people to ever know things like this, but I can't go around telling every random person I befriend about my traumatic past either.
The "discussions" started, the fights I wage, and the debate about what constitutes rape and abuse are conversations I simply try to avoid. Changing the subject or nodding along and zoning out seem to work the best for me. However, it seems that's all I do anymore...
And so it goes. I bandage those hurt feelings and move on. I don't blame the lips that spill the words. I don't abandon the people who think that way to begin with. All I can do is hope to recover from my many returns to the deep pits, and keep on pushing along.
Maybe one day things will get better.
Showing posts with label 2015. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2015. Show all posts
Thursday, August 24, 2017
Friday, November 11, 2016
Happy... Content... ???... as a Single
For a good chunk of the last decade, I have been wondering what it would be like to be in a relationship, and I had been desiring to be married. Recently, as in the past few days, I have realized that I am coming into my own skin as a single girl.
I went through 2, count them 2, relationships and both were in 2015. Well, there was this "trial run" with Best Friend, but I don't fully count that...
If you have read any of my posts, you would know that most of them are about the grieving process and healing after these terrible "relationships". Along with the struggles of the pieces left after I left my two boyfriends, you may see that I still struggle with the desire to be in a relationship, get married, and somehow find someone to love and have companionship in life.
Lately, however, I have been getting used to my time alone. I have friends at work, family to call when I'm lonely, and my alone time is fairly nice and something I often enjoy in the day or two directly after working.
Nearly a year after finding freedom from the evilness that engulfed my life for nearly a year, I am finding peace from being alone. There are moments where I am a bit lonely, but it is not nearly as difficult as it had been when I first moved to Small Town, away from my friends and family in Home State.
I can often remain happy, or at least content, until I am reminded of the girls who get the opportunity to marry a guy who treats them with respect and waits until marriage to sleep with her. I get sad that my reality is so very different.
Yet, I am grateful that I have strength to move somewhere that is several states away, by MYSELF. I have been through things, and with people, that should have and tried to kill me. I made it out of those things alive. I have a life, by myself, between living with my parents and making a future for myself. I know what it is like to be so very alone that I wander around a store, just to be around people. I also know what it is like to be able to depend on myself to make it in this world, in a world where my generation can't even get their own driver's license at the age of 21 without having their parents present, because their parents have done everything for them for the entirety of their lives. I am brave, and strong, and smart, and a survivor, and despite everything, the L-rd has allowed my heart to remain tender enough to cry with parents over the difficulty of their baby's condition. My heart aches for girls who have had to deal with my ex-boyfriends and the fact that these girls have lived a similar reality. My heart still breaks for people going through any type of tough situation, whether I have been through it or not.
I have learned that pride is something that is okay when done in the right way. I am so very proud and grateful for the way the L-rd has brought me through my traumas and difficult life circumstances. I still get upset and I'm still angry at what was done, but my heart has not hardened and I am presently content with my survival abilities up to this point.
For right now, I am okay being single and I feel that is an important milestone to be able to reach, for me.
I went through 2, count them 2, relationships and both were in 2015. Well, there was this "trial run" with Best Friend, but I don't fully count that...
If you have read any of my posts, you would know that most of them are about the grieving process and healing after these terrible "relationships". Along with the struggles of the pieces left after I left my two boyfriends, you may see that I still struggle with the desire to be in a relationship, get married, and somehow find someone to love and have companionship in life.
Lately, however, I have been getting used to my time alone. I have friends at work, family to call when I'm lonely, and my alone time is fairly nice and something I often enjoy in the day or two directly after working.
Nearly a year after finding freedom from the evilness that engulfed my life for nearly a year, I am finding peace from being alone. There are moments where I am a bit lonely, but it is not nearly as difficult as it had been when I first moved to Small Town, away from my friends and family in Home State.
I can often remain happy, or at least content, until I am reminded of the girls who get the opportunity to marry a guy who treats them with respect and waits until marriage to sleep with her. I get sad that my reality is so very different.
Yet, I am grateful that I have strength to move somewhere that is several states away, by MYSELF. I have been through things, and with people, that should have and tried to kill me. I made it out of those things alive. I have a life, by myself, between living with my parents and making a future for myself. I know what it is like to be so very alone that I wander around a store, just to be around people. I also know what it is like to be able to depend on myself to make it in this world, in a world where my generation can't even get their own driver's license at the age of 21 without having their parents present, because their parents have done everything for them for the entirety of their lives. I am brave, and strong, and smart, and a survivor, and despite everything, the L-rd has allowed my heart to remain tender enough to cry with parents over the difficulty of their baby's condition. My heart aches for girls who have had to deal with my ex-boyfriends and the fact that these girls have lived a similar reality. My heart still breaks for people going through any type of tough situation, whether I have been through it or not.
I have learned that pride is something that is okay when done in the right way. I am so very proud and grateful for the way the L-rd has brought me through my traumas and difficult life circumstances. I still get upset and I'm still angry at what was done, but my heart has not hardened and I am presently content with my survival abilities up to this point.
For right now, I am okay being single and I feel that is an important milestone to be able to reach, for me.
Friday, September 23, 2016
...And Closure
So I got the closure call today. He was really sweet and apologized for being insensitive and for wanting the relationship to move over my hurdles of: riding in a car with somebody, going to the movies, going over to his apartment (yes, with his roommates there), etc. These are things that most girls don't have such a difficult time with. I have understandable fears about these things, but it requires a guy to be extra patient with me, and I get that.
Well, he wanted me to come over to his place, he thought not riding in the same car was odd, but he complied without complaining to me, and he tried a couple times to go to the movies, but didn't push it too bad when I refused to. Sometime last week, he told me that he thinks that I just need to push past some of my fears of going over to a guys house, going to the movies, and riding with somebody. I got a little upset, but stayed true to my boundaries concerning those things because I went back on those things once and it turned out worse than the first tragedy. I can be made fun of all day long, but I think that it's about time that I start fighting for myself and what I know to be true and what I need to do/not do.
He had called saying he really missed me and wanted closure. I don't know if I gave that to him, but I stuck true to my desire to wait until I was at least a year past my anniversaries. I fought to get out of those shitty relationships of 2015, I am not done fighting for myself, and I will continue to advocate for what I need regardless of what others want. I am shocked that he ever apologized, I think it was really sweet and the things he did that gave me pause weren't on purpose. He's gone through some tough stuff too, so he was trying to help me "get over" my stuff the way he was able to work past his stuff. Thing is, 1) not everybody heals the same way, 2) my wounds are still fairly fresh, and 3) we went through different ordeals. In fact, they are very different. Still very real and very scarring, but we can agree that they are different.
So, on with my day I go, as a single lady in Small Town...
Well, he wanted me to come over to his place, he thought not riding in the same car was odd, but he complied without complaining to me, and he tried a couple times to go to the movies, but didn't push it too bad when I refused to. Sometime last week, he told me that he thinks that I just need to push past some of my fears of going over to a guys house, going to the movies, and riding with somebody. I got a little upset, but stayed true to my boundaries concerning those things because I went back on those things once and it turned out worse than the first tragedy. I can be made fun of all day long, but I think that it's about time that I start fighting for myself and what I know to be true and what I need to do/not do.
He had called saying he really missed me and wanted closure. I don't know if I gave that to him, but I stuck true to my desire to wait until I was at least a year past my anniversaries. I fought to get out of those shitty relationships of 2015, I am not done fighting for myself, and I will continue to advocate for what I need regardless of what others want. I am shocked that he ever apologized, I think it was really sweet and the things he did that gave me pause weren't on purpose. He's gone through some tough stuff too, so he was trying to help me "get over" my stuff the way he was able to work past his stuff. Thing is, 1) not everybody heals the same way, 2) my wounds are still fairly fresh, and 3) we went through different ordeals. In fact, they are very different. Still very real and very scarring, but we can agree that they are different.
So, on with my day I go, as a single lady in Small Town...
Monday, January 18, 2016
Bipolar Rollercoaster of a Breakup
For those of you that have been following, this break-up has been really tough on me, but there are good things about it.
Today I went to visit Brother at work. He works at a hookah shop and lots of people go through there in a day, but I probably wouldn't date any of them because nearly 98% probably smoke weed. Anyway, I got a compliment on my hair from one guy. Another guy came in to look around and ended up staying for about an hour talking with my brother and I. Brother said he was into me because he was trying to tell me all of his good qualities by working it "subtly" into conversation. I noticed that he was blushing, super smiley and giggly, and when he left he introduced himself to my brother an I with handshakes (I mean, who does that in college?) and after hearing my name he repeated it. He was so stinkin' cute but I won't ever pursue it because he's got a lot of red flags popping up already for him from my end. Another co-worker mentioned that Brother's manager wants to date me and all of the coworkers he works with make a point to ask when we will start dating. Plus, Brother's roommate has had a crush on me since we met two and a half years ago.
Again, I will not be allowing any of these guys to start relationships with me but it makes me feel so pretty and desirable by complete strangers. It's a confidence booster that I needed after two guys who didn't tell me I looked good after spending 3 hours to do my hair and make-up and get new clothes to look good for them. Well guys, turns out I'm kinda a catch!
When guys learn I like to shoot guns, fish, camp (real camping in tents, not "glamping" in an RV), riding horses, fixing cars, welding, cows, etc. they typically think I'm a bad-ass! The guys I dated did not. Being a church girl is typically an exciting thing. Being an almost baby nurse is typically an exciting and admirable thing. Also, it turns out I'm a frickin' fantastic girlfriend! I'll also be a great mom. The guys I dated didn't care about any of this, but most other guys I meet think this is all super exciting stuff!
Maybe G-d is just showing me that these two guys weren't the end-all-be-all for me. Maybe He's showing me that I'm desirable and there may be a guy who falls in love with everything that I am because some people think I'm great. Not to toot my own horn, but I am pretty great. Yes, I have a lot of faults and a lot of shortcomings, but I have a lot of positive attributes too.
Thank you L-rd for today being a huge confidence booster. Please protect me from now on and bring a great guy into my life. (More on the kind of guy I think I might want later, or maybe never because the list is way too long).
Oh, roommate and puppy came back today. I have been so lonely this whole month and a half of Winter Break but they're back! I'm sad break is over and I'm starting my last semester of nursing school, but I love school and I love peds/ob. I'm hoping that this semester isn't as terrible as everyone says it is. Here's to praying that I get to enjoy my last semester of nursing school instead of barely surviving with life so that school doesn't even matter (which is how 2015 turned out). Please, oh L-rd, let 2016 be better than 2015 ended up for me!!!
If this post doesn't show the ups and downs of life and bipolar disorder after the last post, I don't know what will.
- I'm feeling stronger than I have in over a year, and probably stronger than I ever have been.
- I'm finally getting counseling (tomorrow) without anyone around to make fun of me for going. In fact, exfiance and I had a bet that he just lost and he gets to start counseling on Thursday. He was the one making fun of me for going before and now he has no place to talk.
- I'm learning to speak my mind instead of protect other people's feelings.
- I'm feeling free for the first time in a very long time. This makes me happy, some days.
- The main thing that is making me happy since this break-up is... SO MANY GUYS ARE FLIRTING WITH ME!
Today I went to visit Brother at work. He works at a hookah shop and lots of people go through there in a day, but I probably wouldn't date any of them because nearly 98% probably smoke weed. Anyway, I got a compliment on my hair from one guy. Another guy came in to look around and ended up staying for about an hour talking with my brother and I. Brother said he was into me because he was trying to tell me all of his good qualities by working it "subtly" into conversation. I noticed that he was blushing, super smiley and giggly, and when he left he introduced himself to my brother an I with handshakes (I mean, who does that in college?) and after hearing my name he repeated it. He was so stinkin' cute but I won't ever pursue it because he's got a lot of red flags popping up already for him from my end. Another co-worker mentioned that Brother's manager wants to date me and all of the coworkers he works with make a point to ask when we will start dating. Plus, Brother's roommate has had a crush on me since we met two and a half years ago.
Again, I will not be allowing any of these guys to start relationships with me but it makes me feel so pretty and desirable by complete strangers. It's a confidence booster that I needed after two guys who didn't tell me I looked good after spending 3 hours to do my hair and make-up and get new clothes to look good for them. Well guys, turns out I'm kinda a catch!
When guys learn I like to shoot guns, fish, camp (real camping in tents, not "glamping" in an RV), riding horses, fixing cars, welding, cows, etc. they typically think I'm a bad-ass! The guys I dated did not. Being a church girl is typically an exciting thing. Being an almost baby nurse is typically an exciting and admirable thing. Also, it turns out I'm a frickin' fantastic girlfriend! I'll also be a great mom. The guys I dated didn't care about any of this, but most other guys I meet think this is all super exciting stuff!
Maybe G-d is just showing me that these two guys weren't the end-all-be-all for me. Maybe He's showing me that I'm desirable and there may be a guy who falls in love with everything that I am because some people think I'm great. Not to toot my own horn, but I am pretty great. Yes, I have a lot of faults and a lot of shortcomings, but I have a lot of positive attributes too.
Thank you L-rd for today being a huge confidence booster. Please protect me from now on and bring a great guy into my life. (More on the kind of guy I think I might want later, or maybe never because the list is way too long).
Oh, roommate and puppy came back today. I have been so lonely this whole month and a half of Winter Break but they're back! I'm sad break is over and I'm starting my last semester of nursing school, but I love school and I love peds/ob. I'm hoping that this semester isn't as terrible as everyone says it is. Here's to praying that I get to enjoy my last semester of nursing school instead of barely surviving with life so that school doesn't even matter (which is how 2015 turned out). Please, oh L-rd, let 2016 be better than 2015 ended up for me!!!
If this post doesn't show the ups and downs of life and bipolar disorder after the last post, I don't know what will.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)