Happy... Content... ???... as a Single

For a good chunk of the last decade, I have been wondering what it would be like to be in a relationship, and I had been desiring to be married. Recently, as in the past few days, I have realized that I am coming into my own skin as a single girl.

I went through 2, count them 2, relationships and both were in 2015. Well, there was this "trial run" with Best Friend, but I don't fully count that...

If you have read any of my posts, you would know that most of them are about the grieving process and healing after these terrible "relationships". Along with the struggles of the pieces left after I left my two boyfriends, you may see that I still struggle with the desire to be in a relationship, get married, and somehow find someone to love and have companionship in life.

Lately, however, I have been getting used to my time alone. I have friends at work, family to call when I'm lonely, and my alone time is fairly nice and something I often enjoy in the day or two directly after working.

Nearly a year after finding freedom from the evilness that engulfed my life for nearly a year, I am finding peace from being alone. There are moments where I am a bit lonely, but it is not nearly as difficult as it had been when I first moved to Small Town, away from my friends and family in Home State.

I can often remain happy, or at least content, until I am reminded of the girls who get the opportunity to marry a guy who treats them with respect and waits until marriage to sleep with her. I get sad that my reality is so very different.

Yet, I am grateful that I have strength to move somewhere that is several states away, by MYSELF. I have been through things, and with people, that should have and tried to kill me. I made it out of those things alive. I have a life, by myself, between living with my parents and making a future for myself. I know what it is like to be so very alone that I wander around a store, just to be around people. I also know what it is like to be able to depend on myself to make it in this world, in a world where my generation can't even get their own driver's license at the age of 21 without having their parents present, because their parents have done everything for them for the entirety of their lives. I am brave, and strong, and smart, and a survivor, and despite everything, the L-rd has allowed my heart to remain tender enough to cry with parents over the difficulty of their baby's condition. My heart aches for girls who have had to deal with my ex-boyfriends and the fact that these girls have lived a similar reality. My heart still breaks for people going through any type of tough situation, whether I have been through it or not.

I have learned that pride is something that is okay when done in the right way. I am so very proud and grateful for the way the L-rd has brought me through my traumas and difficult life circumstances. I still get upset and I'm still angry at what was done, but my heart has not hardened and I am presently content with my survival abilities up to this point.

For right now, I am okay being single and I feel that is an important milestone to be able to reach, for me.

Naivety Kills: Part 2

So, do y'all remember about a year ago when some strange, college aged guys came to my door and scammed me out of $20? Well, you can read that post again here. Today a different set of guys doing the same thing came to my door. Guys I did so well!!! They were flirting and I kept ignoring it. They asked for a decision to try to get money from me and I denied them at least 5 times. Dude, I'm getting smarter about people!!!

That was it.

The end.

One of Those Days

Do you ever have those instances where you know what you want to say but you don't know how to say it? I know what I'm thinking and feeling (ugh! I dislike that word but it's the only one I can think of to fit this situation) but I don't know how to put it into words. I'm sure y'all are sick of reading about my boy problems and I promise I will try to cut back on those posts. Right now, however, it seems like I need to express myself with this whole situation but I don't know how to put into words everything that is within me. Please tell me I'm not the only one that has this happen to them! Maybe I just need to focus on school more and stop thinking about this because it's driving me nuts and you guys must me sick of reading about it. So, I propose that I don't talk about it much anymore. I will try my hardest to not make every post or every other post about these silly boys that are getting me all worked up because it's not doing anything to help the situation. Also, I know that this blog is for nursing students, CNA's, future midwifes, and anyone else interested in these types of conversations so I will try to keep my posts more along those lines instead of letting this be my personal diary. Maybe you can have a peek into my inner workings every once in awhile, but I wanted this blog to be for nursing students and the journey we go through because I didn't find a whole lot of blogs that really chronicled the events that I was curious about with regards to nursing school. Therefore, I am going to try to get back onto topic and stop this ridiculous ranting. I apologize to you all for putting you through that.

Today I met a nurse at the volunteer thing I went to. She works on the orthopedics floor at the hospital I got offered a job at, and she had some great stories and she was full of tons of information. She looked like she was probably in college, but she is a full-fledged RN and had been nursing for 5-8 years (I can't remember how long she had said she has been nursing for). She was very inspirational though because she moved here from several states away, bought her own house, is engaged, and is allowing her brother to live with her as he gets on his feet as a police officer. It's so nice to see someone so young who went the traditional school-job-marriage route, especially when so many people are discouraging that path for me. They want me to date, get married now, then finish my college, with or without children in the mix. But they want everything done right now. To tell you the truth, I wish I did have a boyfriend right now and I wish I had marriage in sight. Now, that is not the case and so I have to be grateful and trust that the L-rd has everything in my life worked out the way He needs it. Until then, I will hold off and be patient (as patient as I can be right now) and stick with my boring, traditional school-job-possibly marriage route that seems to be before me.

I also got to do some blood glucose tests today! The first time I did them I had to use an old-school lancet and that was no bueno! I stuck the girl who was teaching me 2-3 times and I felt so bad. Today, however, we had those nifty lancets that are spring loaded so you just press and the thing shoots out and sticks the victim. Golly, I love those things and getting to do blood tests is so exciting! I can't wait to learn I.V.'s in school. Something about blood fascinates me. G-d puts so much importance into blood in the Bible and in life and so to be able to see it and do stuff with it is so exciting! I can't wait to be a nurse. Then I get into class and I wonder why I am doing this at all... but days like this make me excited to be a nurse again. So, for the time being, I am super stoked to be starting actual nursing classes this fall with my friend from this last semester to help me through. L-rd willing, we will make it through to the end and be able to be pinned and we will become Registered Nurses with our Bachelor's degrees together.

Random thoughts: Yesterday I had micro class and lab, nothing new there. At the end of class, a strange thing happened though. A random lady came up to me with the scared, sunken in eyes look that people get when they are nervous. She asked me if she could ask me a personal question. I was nervous and immediately thought of everything I had done wrong in that class because she almost sounded like she was about to cuss me out for having done something wrong (which I didn't do anything but I'm always nervous and jumping to conclusions like that). She said she had overheard me say that I got into the nursing program at my university and she was wondering if I thought that a B would make it difficult for her to get into the program. Wow. I am so not used to people coming up to me and asking me for advise on anything! I gave her my opinion, my advice, and what I had heard from my school counselor and various others who had made it into the program and she went on her merry way with that answer. As I was walking to my car that night I started thinking about my acceptance. I have been so proud to be accepted over hundreds of other applicants and the fact that I made it into the program after my counselor had said that the first year was really hard and so many people drop out, I had pride because I showed her wrong and I got almost straight A's to boot! But then I began to wonder why I was proud. I didn't really do anything to get in. I slack off with school and then begin praying and scrambling to finish projects, papers, and to study for tests. So G-d does all of my schoolwork and He is the one to get me good grades. I did not study well for the HESI so G-d gave me another day to study and He gave me favor with the test when I did not know the answers. I did not do anything extraordinary to get into the program, G-d allowed the nursing school board to find favor with me to allow me into the program. Why am I proud? I have no right to be proud! I did not earn this acceptance into the nursing program. All of my accomplishments in life are really not mine at all. Everything I have, everything I have done (that is good) is because of G-d. He inspires me to do any good thing that I do. He is the one to provide good things for me in all aspects of life. I do not have anything to boast about except that G-d reigns supreme and He is Almighty. He provides everything good in my life. He protects me and He fixes my mistakes in life.

Daily Thanksgiving: G-d got me into the nursing program. He gave me a beautiful apartment and allowed me to be able to rent it with my brother this year. He gives us just enough that we do not go hungry, but He doesn't give us too much that we forget Him. He allowed me to have a very nice, relaxing day and I got some sun (and Vitamin D) while volunteering. He also gave me a little boost of encouragement through meeting the young nurse I met today.

Shabbat Shalom!