Happy... Content... ???... as a Single

For a good chunk of the last decade, I have been wondering what it would be like to be in a relationship, and I had been desiring to be married. Recently, as in the past few days, I have realized that I am coming into my own skin as a single girl.

I went through 2, count them 2, relationships and both were in 2015. Well, there was this "trial run" with Best Friend, but I don't fully count that...

If you have read any of my posts, you would know that most of them are about the grieving process and healing after these terrible "relationships". Along with the struggles of the pieces left after I left my two boyfriends, you may see that I still struggle with the desire to be in a relationship, get married, and somehow find someone to love and have companionship in life.

Lately, however, I have been getting used to my time alone. I have friends at work, family to call when I'm lonely, and my alone time is fairly nice and something I often enjoy in the day or two directly after working.

Nearly a year after finding freedom from the evilness that engulfed my life for nearly a year, I am finding peace from being alone. There are moments where I am a bit lonely, but it is not nearly as difficult as it had been when I first moved to Small Town, away from my friends and family in Home State.

I can often remain happy, or at least content, until I am reminded of the girls who get the opportunity to marry a guy who treats them with respect and waits until marriage to sleep with her. I get sad that my reality is so very different.

Yet, I am grateful that I have strength to move somewhere that is several states away, by MYSELF. I have been through things, and with people, that should have and tried to kill me. I made it out of those things alive. I have a life, by myself, between living with my parents and making a future for myself. I know what it is like to be so very alone that I wander around a store, just to be around people. I also know what it is like to be able to depend on myself to make it in this world, in a world where my generation can't even get their own driver's license at the age of 21 without having their parents present, because their parents have done everything for them for the entirety of their lives. I am brave, and strong, and smart, and a survivor, and despite everything, the L-rd has allowed my heart to remain tender enough to cry with parents over the difficulty of their baby's condition. My heart aches for girls who have had to deal with my ex-boyfriends and the fact that these girls have lived a similar reality. My heart still breaks for people going through any type of tough situation, whether I have been through it or not.

I have learned that pride is something that is okay when done in the right way. I am so very proud and grateful for the way the L-rd has brought me through my traumas and difficult life circumstances. I still get upset and I'm still angry at what was done, but my heart has not hardened and I am presently content with my survival abilities up to this point.

For right now, I am okay being single and I feel that is an important milestone to be able to reach, for me.

A Little Exciting News

So, in the midst of what feels like a continual life storm at this point... I have a few points of good news!

1) I fixed my dryer yesterday. All by myself! I woke up Friday, trying to throw my scrub pants into the dryer really quick because I had washed them for work. Well, the dryer was sounding like it was working, but it was not tumbling. Great. I proceeded to dry my pants, with a hair dryer, and went to work with wet pants. Have you ever done that? Oh my gosh, wet pants are AWFUL!!!

Oh well, I called my dad on Saturday, told him what was going on and that I thought the belt had broken. He agreed that's what it sounded like. So, I took my dryer apart Sunday in hopes that I would fix it and not make it worse. Turns out the belt had simply slipped off the tension spring instead of breaking completely. Praise the L-rd!

2) I took care of 2 babies successfully, mostly on my own, for two days now! I was really struggling because i had 2 days of feeling like I had just been put through the wringer and criticized for everything even though I had gotten no instruction on how to do things... That was frustrating. Well, whatever. I shook it off and went back for another day. Friday and today (Monday) ended up turning out really well! I know two babies don't sound like much, but I'm finally getting to the point where I forget less and less during my assessments and during the day. I'm beginning to remember the various nuances and strange rules that occur in the NICU. And I am starting to find my newbie groove while simultaneously keeping most poop and urine off of the baby's bedding. Yay! (Guys, I had an incident involving projectile shit in an isolette. Add in a flailing baby and you can just imagine the art work created. While walking away from that baby's room about 30 minutes after the incident, I found a lovely, long, brown streak going down the length of my forearm. *sigh* The struggle.

3) Last, but not least, I PASSED THE NCLEX!!! Do y'all know what that means? That means I am a Real/Registered/Redneck Nurse. In case you missed it, that is three was to define the term of R.N. and they ALL describe me! I'm now a Real Nurse (maybe a baby or adolescent nurse, but I'm a real nurse), I am a Registered Nurse (of course, that's what the hospital and Board of Nursing call me), and I'm also a Redneck Nurse (as described my my nursing class and those who know me best). Guys, I am so very glad and excited to be done!

As you may know, I've been working as a graduate nurse and have been signing my name at work (as necessary) as BedpanAlley, GN. Well, today I got to sign it BedpanAlley, RN! AND I got a new badge changing the GN to RN!!! So, so, so excited and relieved.



Well, seeing as I have to go to work again tomorrow, which means I get up at 0430 (unless I want to smell good which means I need to wake up at 0400...). Anyway, I better hit the hay. As it is, I'll be getting maybe 5 hours of sleep.

Goodnight y'all!
BedpanAlley, RN, BSN

My Heart Is In NICU

I was supposed to go to L&D last week, but we had no laboring patients and my instructor knew I loved the NICU so she sent me there!

Oh my goodness! I got to cuddle and rock so many babies to sleep. Those sweet little babies just steel my heart!!!

This week was my scheduled NICU day and I was able to "play" the nurse for at least one baby all day, and work on teaching one of the other three how to nipple feed. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but I'm telling you, for babies born at 2 pounds, it can be challenging to teach them how to bottle/nipple feed. However, it is incredibly rewarding.

I have so enjoyed every moment I've spent in the NICU. Honestly, I love Labor and Delivery, but my heart is with those babies.

Being able to get a hearing screening done in 33 seconds instead of 5-20 minutes is so amazing to me! The charge nurse doing the screening was so amazed that I was able to get baby to sleep in order to do the screening done that fast. I've gotten 3-4 different babies to sleep quickly my two days as a student nurse when the nurses were unable to spend the time to get them to sleep because they were stressed with other baby needs. That feels amazing. Maybe I'm the baby whisperer!

Regardless, I will attempt to continue to get a NICU job. I had an interview over the phone Tuesday, but they said no because they didn't have any NICU or L&D openings at the time. I'll try back later though.

The nurses I worked with the past two clinical days tried to get me hired at their NICU!!! Unfortunately, I told them I was trying to move to another state :( . Yes, I will use a sad face for this because I am so sad! They are able to see me work and see that I know what I'm doing and see that I am good at this work, but I cannot stay here. I need to move because I am so sick of seeing exboyfriend, exfiance, and their family/friends everywhere, I NEED to move. Like, really badly. However, they are actual in-person referrals that want me to stay because they see how much I know and how hard I've worked to be able to be in the NICU. That is hard to explain over a resume or cover letter. They see it, I can't express it any better than I have been.

I've been applying in new states, but I've gotten nothing but one 5-minute interview that told me they had no openings where I want to go. The other ones either are still looking through applications or they tell me they've gone with other candidates. I don't know if this is because they don't look for new grads until later... or maybe they don't like my application? Regardless, I will continue to keep applying everywhere, but I'm starting to get anxious about finding a job. I absolutely need to leave this state. I am sick of being scared of every-other road because that is where they drove me or where they work. I am sick of being terrified of seeing them at a club or restaurant. I am sick of being scared!!! It's exhausting! I slept until 3 p.m. today because I've been on edge and tired for weeks now. That is not okay. I just want to get away from that. I want to be somewhere that exfiance doesn't know where I live. I want to start over.

I've heard from several people that "your past will follow you." Great, it'll follow me. However, there is a much greater chance that he will not know where I am. I will be reminded of all three of them, but I will not see them, nor their families. That is what I'm banking on. I don't want to run into their moms at supermarkets or the hospitals I am working at. I don't want to work beside their sisters. I don't want to worry about their trucks showing up wherever I am. I don't want to see their family's business vans around town. I don't want to see THEM! Seriously, I don't feel like it's too much to ask. I have to live with what has happened, but I don't want to live with them in any type of near vicinity.

May the L-rd provide a job for me in my desired state... We shall see...

The Blows Keep Comin'

It's strange that the course of events that transpire in one day can take someone from feeling like they are finally doing better in their journey of life, and then a few moments later they can go back to feeling so defeated.

That is me today.

I thought, Great! I'm going to start working on getting legal stuff situated to help me out with these assholes who took everything from me. I am starting to believe my brain about what has actually happened and I know that legally I did what I needed to do. I am beginning to have days where I believe that the actions of these fuckers were not my fault and maybe, someday, eventually, I can possibly be okay. 

Yes, I know that "maybe, someday, eventually, and possibly" are all words that sound like I do not believe that I will be okay. That is because "being okay" is something I don't forsee happening. However, I am hopeful that I will eventually work to get a little bit better than I have been in my deepest pits of despair.

Then, I have a day like today. Nothing seems to be going right and it's only 11 in the morning! My professor is being unreasonable and covering her tracks so that her supervisors do not see any problem with her actions. Meanwhile, she takes it out on me and works on publically embarrassing me and any one of my fellow students who tries to make life fair for the rest of us or even future classes.

I still have homework that I need to complete for my next class, a test on Thursday to study for, and a million other things going on in my life.

It's one of those days where it becomes very easy to fall back into bad habits that I thought I was finally starting to grow out of.

It's one of those days that I question why I am here.

It's a day I wish I could live under a rock and not have to worry about the things that plague my life so heavily.



I've said it before, but I'm so very tired.

Being tired is not a physical state of exhaustion where you can go to sleep in hopes that life will be calmer and more clear when you wake up. It's the kind of tired where all I can seem to manage to do is lay in bed and stare at a blank wall. I don't want to deal with "friends," professors, nursing school, the stresses of what to do after graduation, wondering if I will graduate, or even worrying about eating. I find myself going through motions and not actually being present. My body is in the right place that I am supposed to be, but I no longer have a brain, thoughts, or emotions to accompany my body to it's scheduled activities.

I'm tired.

I listened to the World...

Let's take just a moment to realize all that the L-rd does for us and all that He leads us through. He has led me through countless months of depression, episodes of anxiety, stressful exam weeks, bad grades, doubt, illness/injuries, bad friendships, and so much more that I can't even recall at this point. Not to mention, He is constantly working in ways that we may never be able to see. He protects us, lets us make little mistakes and then fixes them or teaches us to live with the consequences. He blesses us with circumstances to learn from, faith building opportunities, and even times when the blessings aren't in disguise. Oh how I long for some more "see-able" blessings, but I know they are there even when I am so self-involved I am unable to notice them all around.

Now, let's talk advice. I'm not going to shell any out. Let's just discuss where we get our advice from. I would like to tell myself that I listen to G-d for advice. In reality, I call my parents to ask them. I then take their input and compare it to what my friends say. Then, I weigh my options and take that back to my parents. This, of course, must be discussed with the social circle again and maybe even on Facebook. By the end of the decision making spiral, I'm past the point to make the decision and no conclusion has been decided upon.

Guess what happens when I actually do make a decision using this method. You're probably right, it turns out VERY BADLY!!! Actually, it can often result in catastrophic issues. Well, y'all know I exaggerate slightly, right? I do. This catastrophic occurrence may be fixable, but it is darn near impossible to fix without G-d taking over my whole mess. His grace and love have fixed my life more times than I can even imagine.

Why do I do this? I know that my life will be in all sorts of shambles when I use this decision making process, but I cannot convince myself to just take it to Him to begin with.

I keep listening to the World lately. That's why I bring this up. My World even includes my mom, trusted family friends, mentors, and other people I considered wise and trusted. However, it is not their fault that my life is currently more than I can handle. Yes, they gave me foolish advice but G-d had told me years ago what I needed to do. I made the dumbest decision and went against that. Now my bad decisions are causing me multiple panic attacks a day (I had 5 in one 3 hour class), I am stressed to the max, my focus is non-existent (which is really like being in the negatives because it didn't exist before), and I'm angry all the time. Most of this anger is at myself for being such a foolish girl and the rest of it is pure sinful anger at nothing at all. I'm quickly spiraling into a worse and worse situation.

Regardless of this mess I'm still digging myself into, G-d gives me moments of peace when I choose to go to Him for protection, grace, calm, relief and Shalom. He knows I screwed up. He also knows how this whole thing will end and how to get me through it. His love abounds and it is completely unfathomable. My mind is blown at how Great, Awesome, Wonderful, Loving, Merciful, Gracious, Incredible, and *insert more/better adjectives for G-d here* Ad-nai truly is. In the midst of my terrible store, I am filled with love and calm. This is especially amazing because I don't even feel this calm and peaceful when I'm not going through "Life's Storms" (or the storms I create for myself).

Praise the L-rd for His forgiveness and patience! Praise the L-rd simply because He is who He is despite who we are.

Phil Fired?!

Everyone knows I love Duck Dynasty, right? Have y'all heard that Phil Robertson has been put on indefinite hiatus from Duck Dynasty on A&E!? Guys, he got "fired" (not really, but kinda) because he stood up for G-d, the Bible, and his beliefs. I, for one, am glad that he did because we are all called to defend the Word and share it with the world. So, I support him because he is sticking up for the L-rd.

To me, it sounds like A&E almost baited him like the Pharisee's and Sadducee's did with Yeshua (Jesus). Now, I am not entirely certain of this because I only had time to read one post about the whole ordeal tonight, but I will continue to look into the matter. However, it seems like they (A&E) asked Phil about his beliefs and about homosexuality. Phil then responded respectfully saying that he does not agree with homosexuality because G-d put in the Bible that it is a sin. WE ALL SIN!!! Pointing that little fact out is not hateful and it is not meant to cause shame or harm to anyone. He went on to explain that he still loves everyone whether homosexual, bisexual, hetero, etc. and he just doesn't agree with their lifestyle. "Love the sinner, hate the sin" is an excellent quote summing the whole thing. For this, Phil was put on indefinite hiatus. Folks, don't think that just because we are 2000 years past ordeals that Yeshua and the disciples went through, that we are immune from persecution from the world. If we are speaking Truth, there is a good chance someone will be offended and they will stir up a world of hurt. Well, they can try. In reality, G-d is in control, He just lets them make a big deal about how upset they are.

There is nothing new under the sun and this will absolutely NOT be the last time someone is "fired" or harassed for their beliefs. Make sure you speak respectfully. Practice what you have to say about all issues in the world today. If you do not have a respectful way to say something, or you do not know enough about a certain issue and how G-d says to handle it in the Bible and through prayer, tell the person/people that you will get back to them. We are not here to offend everyone and hurt everyone's feelings. We are here to love on them but also give them answers according to what the God Book says, should they ask. Don't go looking for trouble. If someone comes to you with a question/dilemma, consult G-d, the Bible, and possibly a rabbi/pastor/elder/etc. Do not blindly answer questions about tough issues. Make sure to do your research thoroughly and not just a glance at Google's top hit. Be ready to defend the name of Yeshua and Ad-nai. Always be ready to give account for the Hope you have in Yeshua and make sure that you can make a stand for G-d when the time comes. My time has come a lot, and there are more coming. It's life. G-d is also wanting to know that you are not lukewarm. He says there is nothing so bad as a lukewarm believer, so make sure you know what side of the fence you're on and then stay on it!

Fellow believers, do not be so naive to think that the occasion will not arise that you will have to defend G-d, your faith, your friends, and anything else of value to you. It will happen. Find encouragement and Shalom in the L-rd and in the Word, but be prepared. I love you, my dear brothers and sisters in the L-rd.

Several Rants, So I Broke Them Up

Folks, I have so much to say it's ridiculous. In order to decrease confusion r/t my long-windedness, I have decided to makes several posts, each labeled with their main topic. That way, you can easily navigate the page and not read my whole entire weeks novel just to get past what you weren't interested in, to get to what you were...

I apologize for today because this blog has turned into more of a diary as apposed to an actually helpful nursing blog. I'm hoping that useful stuff will happen to me regarding nursing school soon, starting next semester, but this semester is all about theory and YAWN!

So, the formatting on my actual blog may be kinda strange. Don't pay attention to the times it says that the posts were posted because I am trying to put this one first, which requires me to do some finagling with the times. Also, I love the word finagling.

Let's get this party started! A lot happened to me this week...

Want to view my Pinterest life?

I am on Pinterest, as most of you know, and now you can see my fantasy life! I have posts about nursing school, funny memes, different ideas for my wedding, date ideas, and a few other things that have sparked my interest. Take a look if you're into browsing other people's lives, I give you permission to Pinterest stalk me. :)

Knowing vs. Believing

You can totally know something without believing it.

You are made in G-d's image which makes you beautiful, interesting, intricate, and absolutely amazing. This should be common knowledge, but somehow we all lose sight of it. Not only do we forget, but we don't believe it as our reflections stare back at us in the mirror.

We are created as intelligent beings. Somehow we get so caught up in comparing ourselves with those around us, we stop believing that we were made smart, intelligent, and capable of thought. I don't care what disease doctors diagnose you or someone you know with, G-d has given all of us the ability of thought and intelligence.

We are here for a reason. G-d has made us all for a purpose. I don't know mine, but we should be living as though we have a purpose, because we do. We need to be asking G-d what we are supposed to be doing instead of floating through life with no direction. Yes, sometimes life may not be clear and we are supposed to go through uncertain times, it builds faith or something. However, we should be on our knees asking the L-rd what He wants us to be doing.

So, I am here to tell you that you are beautiful, smart, intelligent, interesting, intricate, and you have purpose. We are created in G-d's image, with abilities to carry out thought processes, and all for a reason. You are a daughter or son of THE King.

Instead of listening to the lies that the Enemy tells you, remember these simple truths. As lies begin to pop into your head, speak life over yourself instead of accepting defeat. Eventually, we will be able to go from simply knowing these simple truths to firmly believing them. As our beliefs about who we are and what we are here for, we can begin to fight back against the Adversary. So believe it, you are unique and very important. The Creator of the Universe loves you and cherishes you.



Also, please do me a favor. Begin complimenting the people around you. Constantly be looking for things you like that other people are wearing, doing, or anything around you that you like. Then, this is super important, tell the people! Telling someone that you like their hair, makeup, clothes, note taking, studying tips, ability to explain difficult material, teaching, or work habits (you get it), will help you to make their day. When they get happy with you because of that, you suddenly have new friends and they have a new friend! Plus, you are speaking Life over them. You are helping them to realize that they are beautiful, intelligent, and they have purpose.

Additional challenge: If you are someone who is used to gossiping about others, I challenge you to think of 5 nice things to say about them BEFORE you say anything about them. Then, say those things about them to others. In order for this to work, you have to make sure that the nice things are truly nice with no trace of gossip or negativity. No backhanded compliments (i.e. He's not as good-looking as his brother, bless his heart; or She's pretty but she's not smart enough for that. You catch my drift?). Also, make sure that they are true and you believe them. Saying, "Oh I like your shirt" but you don't actually believe it isn't going to do any good because 1)you're lying, 2) people can tell. This is hard to start doing, but after just a few days, you will be an expert and you will have made a bunch of people's days. Just try it! :)

Understanding Marriage

This is one of the best articles I have read explaining marriage. Actually, I found a bunch on this one particular website. Plus, it numbered and bolded the reasons for marriage in one of the articles! I love this because not only does it make it easier for me to skim, it also helps you (should you choose to read these) to skim and not read entire articles! I figured this would likely help you guys because I am long-winded and I really want all of the info to be shared without you, my friends, to have to read entire textbooks worth of writing spread across several sites. (Wow, that was kinda a run-on... Sorry!)

Read these articles if you would like more info on the point of marriage. I put them in order of most relevant to my previous points to stuff that I thought was just interesting or other good points...

1) What's the point of marriage?
2) 5 Reasons Marriage Cynics Are Wrong (surprisingly, I am not cynical about any of these 5 things...)
3) What It Really Means to Say 'I Do'
4) 3 Things I Wish I Knew Before We Got Married
5) You Never Marry the Right Person (I know this one sounds disheartening, just trust me and try reading it)






Also, on a completely unrelated note, my mom called. We talked for a little over 1 hour and 39 minutes. I am in a considerably better mood and I didn't even explain my recent struggles. G-d truly blessed me with a strong, hilarious, and totally understanding mom. I love her and I love my dad. I am a daddy's girl, in the best sense, meaning I love working on cars, hangin' with the boys, and setting stuff on fire. I also enjoy throwing footballs, baseballs, and learning about cars/sports/anything anyone is willing to teach me. I'm so very grateful for my parents and their very different personalities.

Never thought this day would come...

No I'm not talking about getting married, having kids, or any number of "normal" things that would fit under this category. I'm talking about getting to be a mentor.

Today, I was called up by a dear family friend. We helped develop a church together, and my mom has been her hairstylist for probably over a decade. Anyway, she called today, asking me to give her daughter advice. I am so honored that she would think of me to speak into her child's life. I have had people speak into my life before and it can be powerful, either good or bad. To be asked to advise somebody's baby (okay, she's 14, but everybody is somebody's baby) is a huge responsibility. Plus, she knows just about everybody in the world because she is so kind, she could have asked anyone. Instead, she called me even though my family left the church we attended together close to 4 years ago.

This whole thing has got me thinking about what I should say to her daughter, and what I should be speaking over my friends, family, and the children I babysit. Of course, it isn't the same for everybody, but it reminds me of the song, "The Words I Would Say," by Sidewalk Prophets. It's chorus goes:

Be strong in the Lord and
never give up hope.
You're gonna do great things
I already know
God's got his hand on you so
don't live life in fear
forgive and forget
but don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say


These words are so true! Folks, we need to be encouraging and lifting up our brothers and sisters in the Messiah. Speak life over each other instead of gossiping behind their back. Pray over each other so that we may be strengthened. Let's face it, life is tough. Since life is tough, we need to build each other up in all ways and cease the process of tearing others down, whether they are believers or not. Only then can we all stand strong and really reach the poor and hurting.


My challenge for you all: pray about someone in your life who may be struggling. If the L-rd lays someone on your heart, even if they normally seem happy or strong face-to-face, talk to them. Ask them if you can pray with them for anything. Encourage opening up the conversation and share your heart. Let them know of some of your struggles so that they will be comfortable opening up to you about theirs.

The lady that called me did that for me when my family lost our house. It was really rough on me. Not only had we lost our house, but we left the church we had been at for 10+ years, we were helping start a new church, and nothing was going right. One day, as we were working at the new church, she asked me how I was. I said I was doing fine. She looked into my eyes and asked me, "How are you really?" Just thinking about it makes me start to tear up and I don't cry a whole lot. Knowing that she new my struggles and knowing that she didn't want the down-pat "church" answer touched me. She could see past my business face and the strength that I hide behind to know that I was crumbling. To this day I don't think she knows how much that moment has meant to me. During that short conversation, I felt like I belonged. I have never, ever felt that way. Here I go with the waterworks... Still to this day I don't feel like I belong anywhere, but I can remember what it felt like to have a true sister in the L-rd be able to see past my facade into my world of hurt and actually care. I know people care, but they usually just take the, "I'm fine," response and go on with their business. She didn't. G-d helped to pull me through one of my bad days of depression through her and her sincerity. So, we need to do that for each other.


Stand with me and start asking people how they are doing. Don't just ask them just to receive the normal, easy response. Look at them and ask again, "How are you really doing?" It's hard to keep it from sounding like you're being sarcastic, but practice and pray about it.

One of Those Days

Do you ever have those instances where you know what you want to say but you don't know how to say it? I know what I'm thinking and feeling (ugh! I dislike that word but it's the only one I can think of to fit this situation) but I don't know how to put it into words. I'm sure y'all are sick of reading about my boy problems and I promise I will try to cut back on those posts. Right now, however, it seems like I need to express myself with this whole situation but I don't know how to put into words everything that is within me. Please tell me I'm not the only one that has this happen to them! Maybe I just need to focus on school more and stop thinking about this because it's driving me nuts and you guys must me sick of reading about it. So, I propose that I don't talk about it much anymore. I will try my hardest to not make every post or every other post about these silly boys that are getting me all worked up because it's not doing anything to help the situation. Also, I know that this blog is for nursing students, CNA's, future midwifes, and anyone else interested in these types of conversations so I will try to keep my posts more along those lines instead of letting this be my personal diary. Maybe you can have a peek into my inner workings every once in awhile, but I wanted this blog to be for nursing students and the journey we go through because I didn't find a whole lot of blogs that really chronicled the events that I was curious about with regards to nursing school. Therefore, I am going to try to get back onto topic and stop this ridiculous ranting. I apologize to you all for putting you through that.

Today I met a nurse at the volunteer thing I went to. She works on the orthopedics floor at the hospital I got offered a job at, and she had some great stories and she was full of tons of information. She looked like she was probably in college, but she is a full-fledged RN and had been nursing for 5-8 years (I can't remember how long she had said she has been nursing for). She was very inspirational though because she moved here from several states away, bought her own house, is engaged, and is allowing her brother to live with her as he gets on his feet as a police officer. It's so nice to see someone so young who went the traditional school-job-marriage route, especially when so many people are discouraging that path for me. They want me to date, get married now, then finish my college, with or without children in the mix. But they want everything done right now. To tell you the truth, I wish I did have a boyfriend right now and I wish I had marriage in sight. Now, that is not the case and so I have to be grateful and trust that the L-rd has everything in my life worked out the way He needs it. Until then, I will hold off and be patient (as patient as I can be right now) and stick with my boring, traditional school-job-possibly marriage route that seems to be before me.

I also got to do some blood glucose tests today! The first time I did them I had to use an old-school lancet and that was no bueno! I stuck the girl who was teaching me 2-3 times and I felt so bad. Today, however, we had those nifty lancets that are spring loaded so you just press and the thing shoots out and sticks the victim. Golly, I love those things and getting to do blood tests is so exciting! I can't wait to learn I.V.'s in school. Something about blood fascinates me. G-d puts so much importance into blood in the Bible and in life and so to be able to see it and do stuff with it is so exciting! I can't wait to be a nurse. Then I get into class and I wonder why I am doing this at all... but days like this make me excited to be a nurse again. So, for the time being, I am super stoked to be starting actual nursing classes this fall with my friend from this last semester to help me through. L-rd willing, we will make it through to the end and be able to be pinned and we will become Registered Nurses with our Bachelor's degrees together.

Random thoughts: Yesterday I had micro class and lab, nothing new there. At the end of class, a strange thing happened though. A random lady came up to me with the scared, sunken in eyes look that people get when they are nervous. She asked me if she could ask me a personal question. I was nervous and immediately thought of everything I had done wrong in that class because she almost sounded like she was about to cuss me out for having done something wrong (which I didn't do anything but I'm always nervous and jumping to conclusions like that). She said she had overheard me say that I got into the nursing program at my university and she was wondering if I thought that a B would make it difficult for her to get into the program. Wow. I am so not used to people coming up to me and asking me for advise on anything! I gave her my opinion, my advice, and what I had heard from my school counselor and various others who had made it into the program and she went on her merry way with that answer. As I was walking to my car that night I started thinking about my acceptance. I have been so proud to be accepted over hundreds of other applicants and the fact that I made it into the program after my counselor had said that the first year was really hard and so many people drop out, I had pride because I showed her wrong and I got almost straight A's to boot! But then I began to wonder why I was proud. I didn't really do anything to get in. I slack off with school and then begin praying and scrambling to finish projects, papers, and to study for tests. So G-d does all of my schoolwork and He is the one to get me good grades. I did not study well for the HESI so G-d gave me another day to study and He gave me favor with the test when I did not know the answers. I did not do anything extraordinary to get into the program, G-d allowed the nursing school board to find favor with me to allow me into the program. Why am I proud? I have no right to be proud! I did not earn this acceptance into the nursing program. All of my accomplishments in life are really not mine at all. Everything I have, everything I have done (that is good) is because of G-d. He inspires me to do any good thing that I do. He is the one to provide good things for me in all aspects of life. I do not have anything to boast about except that G-d reigns supreme and He is Almighty. He provides everything good in my life. He protects me and He fixes my mistakes in life.

Daily Thanksgiving: G-d got me into the nursing program. He gave me a beautiful apartment and allowed me to be able to rent it with my brother this year. He gives us just enough that we do not go hungry, but He doesn't give us too much that we forget Him. He allowed me to have a very nice, relaxing day and I got some sun (and Vitamin D) while volunteering. He also gave me a little boost of encouragement through meeting the young nurse I met today.

Shabbat Shalom!

Why?

Lately I have had so many people question my every move.

"Why don't you have a boyfriend?"
"Why have you never dated anyone?"
"Why did you move in with your brother?"
"Why are you broke?"
"Why, why, why, why, why?"

My reply: Why is it any of your business and why do you care?

Of course, I never really questioned them, but I kinda wanted to. I am just a very private person and I don't mind sharing about myself, but I don't even know why I do everything so I can't explain it to myself let alone anyone else.

For the past couple weeks I have been mulling over my future in my head again and again. Why kind of nurse will I be? When/where will I meet my husband? Will I get a CNA job in a hospital? How will school be? Will I make tons of friends or just be one of those people who everyone considers a friend but is actually very lonely because she doesn't get close to anyone? (I already am like that.) Where will I live when I graduate? How will the next few years turn out for myself and my brother? Will we live peacefully together or will we kill each other? What is even going on?!

I desperately need to get out of my head and just let G-d control my life. He controls our lives whether we give Him reign or not, but life is way easier if we are not fighting tooth and nail for our silly desires and our plans because G-d always has what we want and need in His plans for our life.

Daily Thanksgiving: My mema came into town and I get to see her tomorrow! I also get to volunteer tomorrow, which I love to do. I got 140/120 on my micro unknown organism project and I got 80% on my vocab test from Wednesday. So far, living with my brother has been great and he got a really good financial aid award which means that we will not be overly stressed for money this year!!! I am so relieved I can't even explain it.

Return of My Cynicism

I just researched "cynic" just to see if I was spelling it right, but I found this definition on Google: "Cynicism, in its original form, refers to the beliefs of an ancient school of Greek philosophers known as the Cynics. Their philosophy was that the purpose of life was to live a life of Virtue in agreement with Nature."

Ya, that's definitely not me. I go under the newer definition of cynicism (also found on Google):

1. Believing that people are motivated by self-interest; distrustful of human sincerity or integrity.
2. Doubtful as to whether something will happen or is worthwhile.

I am under the influence of both of these ways of thought.

Anyway, gone was the week or so of being slightly calmer than normal because my cynicism has returned with a vengeance! It seems like I'm going through the whole wedding cycle again, which is weird because the normal triggers that typically have to take place have not taken place. Maybe its the fact that I'm writing a paper about college student's views on marriage and how it is beneficial to remain single, at least until school is completed and your career is up and running. Right now though, I am finding myself not wanting to be married, or even dating at all. But, coupled with my sudden disdain for the thought of me being married is that little inkling of hope that I will someday be a mother and have children of my own. I will not be a single mother who just gets knocked up in order to have offspring so how do I get around being married but still have children? Maybe I will just give up the thought of children and just focus on helping other women have their babies instead. Then, I still get to hold babies and I don't have to get hitched. Unfortunately, I have a sinking suspicion that this proposal will not provide happiness or get rid of my desires. Maybe marriage won't be so bad, but right now it makes my stomach ill. Not because I'm scared of living with someone for the rest of my life, or because I'm terrified of letting someone know all of me (my thoughts, my life, my everything) though that is a little scary. Right now, I can't pinpoint why I am so opposed to me marrying someone, but this thought of no marriage is getting stronger.

Again, questions are circling through my mind like: Does G-d even have someone for me? Would I even be able to have children? Would I be a good mother? Can I make it through nursing school, let alone midwifery school?

Why am I not able to just trust that G-d will take care of everything!?! I'm so frustrated with myself that I tell G-d I trust Him to orchestrate my life, but then I take the reigns right back and I begin to tell him what I want from life, in a husband, and random things throughout the day. Why? I'm not Him, I don't know what's best for me. Maybe He needs me to finish nursing school in 4.5 or 5 years instead of the 4 year program I am trying for. Maybe He doesn't even want me to be a nurse. I don't know. Perhaps I need to stay single and not be a mother for whatever reason. It sucks constantly not knowing what life is going to be like, where I am going, or what's going to happen. But it's in those times that my faith is strengthened and life is the smoothest when I finally surrender and let G-d do what He is going to do. How do I get back to the state of surrender? How do I stay in that state instead of trying to control everything again?

Heavy Heart

Have there been a lot of deaths recently for you too? For some reason there have been 3 students that have passed away in the past two weeks at college and several residents from work have passed away. I don't understand this. Plus, my great-grandpa died a few weeks ago as well, but I didn't get to go to the funeral because I wasn't really invited. That's a complicated story though.

Let's just delve into the basics. We don't talk to my mom's side of the family because her mom abused her. When my brother and I were born, my mom tried to take us over to see her parents so that we would know them, but my grandma just ended up yelling at my brother and I when we were about 3 and 4 years old. So, long story short, my mom hasn't actively taken us to see them because it's not worth it to get abused by my grandma. I still love her and I still love my grandpa (her husband). Now, it was her father who passed, and I had only met him a handful of times, so while I'm sad that he passed away without me being able to better get to know him, I have peace because he did not treat my mom right or his wife right (when she was alive). I'm sad that I was not able to show him more of the love of Yeshua. One of the last times I saw him was at my cousins graduation party and he came over and sat at the table I was sitting at. Since it was just him and me at the table, he asked if I knew who he was. I said that I didn't because I did not know his name, but I did know that he was my great-grandpa. This upset him pretty bad and he called over my great-aunt and they both gave me a 15-20 minute lecture about how I am supposed to know who my family is and so on. Even though I was hurt because I had gotten yelled at (I was 12 or 13 at the time), I still love(d) him. Funny thing is though, it's not the kid's responsibility to keep in tough with grandparents and great-grandparents when they are still kids. I couldn't drive to go see him and it was not my responsibility to go on a great quest to find out where he lived or to get his phone number in order to contact him first, I was a child. It's a bummer that he didn't reach out to me, because I like getting to know my family because they are kin and I don't have a whole lot of blood relatives that my family talks to because both of my parents were abused as children. Regardless, G-d puts pseudo family into my life, always. I have the largest family now because of all of my "adopted" aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and siblings.  I wouldn't trade the relationships I have with them, or the love that we all share because we chose each other, for anything. I know that G-d has allowed me to be blessed with so many amazing, supportive, down-to-earth people who choose to be in my family instead of feeling stuck with me. Also, they don't manipulate, yell, or otherwise harm me, which is still not something I'm used to and my parents don't abuse my brother or I. Still, I have had many, many, many unhealthy, abusive and manipulative friendships that have seriously scarred me. G-d brings me through every time and He is teaching me who to trust, how to trust and how much to trust certain people with. He is teaching me boundaries and forgiveness, but these are brutal lessons to learn.

Daily Thanksgiving: Work went well today, I got to work with one of my favorite CNA's today and work went by really fast. Two more weeks of school and they are going to fly by because I am too busy to even be able to breathe, let alone pee or eat. G-d heals broken hearts and heals scars. His mercies never end and His love is unfailing. I am not alone, even though I often feel alone.

Presentation Done!

I hate talking in front of people. Public speaking is worse for me than taking a pop quiz, I just hate it. Today, I had to give a ten minute presentation on my paper for English. It went alright, not great, but I wasn't super nervous because G-d calmed my nerves a little bit. But, now it is done which means that besides homework, I only have: 3 finals, 2 lab tests, and a 10-12 page paper standing between me and my week-long summer break!

I was going to rant about something that I have been noticing the past few years, but I totally forgot what it is... So, I will likely write about it later, if I remember.

In the meantime, let's talk about weight. Dangerous subject, but I think I need to explain this to someone right now before I burst and just unload on one person. So, on the stairs hike I went on a few weeks ago, I was the slowest person. I called it and I had warned my group several times. Two guys stayed and went slow with me even though I told them to go ahead and I would meet them at the top. It was super sweet of them to stay with me and try to make me feel like I wasn't such a failure, but I know the truth. Anyway, the past few weeks I've gotten come flack, which I deserve, for having been the slowest person. I move slow anyway, but that was ridiculously slow for me because my legs stopped working... Regardless, I've been the chubby/fat kid in class for most of my life since second or third grade. That's nobody's fault but mine, I get that. I just get embarrassed talking about how chubby I still see myself or how unfit I continue to be. Yes, I am working on it, slowly, but I don't need it pointed out by friends. When people give me hugs, I can't stop thinking about my "love handles," which just happens to be the most ridiculous name for flabs of fat because I don't feel like being loved because I have these nuisances on my sides. When people hug me from behind, I get so self-conscious and I usually harp on that thought of "was I squishy?" or "did they notice my love handles when their hands lingered on the sides of my abdomen?" I am trying to move past this, but for right now, I just need to vent. Have y'all noticed that people lean in for far too many hugs, for far too long, and then they linger? Maybe I'm just around an odd group of especially touchy people, but I think I may lose it here directly. Even women at shul come in real close, lean in for a hug, and then when they decide the hug is over 3 hours later, they leave their hands on my sides. Worst feeling I think I've felt in a long time. I'm not a touchy person, so that probably plays a slight role in my hands phobia, but there is no need to be constantly feeling people around you.

Also, to you close talkers out there: Please get out of my bubble! You can always test people to see if they are close talkers because 1) they will stand really close, almost kissing distance, and begin a conversation 2) if you move back, they follow! This drives me nuts because I will back up 20 feet and into a wall and still can't get away from these silly people. I love you close talkers, I do, otherwise I wouldn't talk to you. With that said, get out of my space. I need at least an arms length (fully extended) between you and me. Even that is not far enough apart.

So, you hug lingerers and close talkers, just be aware that those of us with anxiety are freaking out around you because we never know when we will get hit with a full-on frontal-attach (hug) or hit by a wall (as we back up to give ourselves room to breathe). We love you, but we need space.

Any tips for workouts to make my flabs go away? They aren't just on the sides of my abdomen, they are all over. I'm still just a chubby girl, the chub is just better proportioned and distributed to where women are supposed to have curves from what society tells us. Maybe I'll just move to a country where it's attractive to be a little chunky. That way I could get away from the problems of this life and go get different problems in a different country with different people and a new view! Or, I'll just move to Scottland, or Iceland, or Holland, or something...

Big news: I'm moving out of the country! Just kidding, I only might move out of the country. But seriously, I have been looking into this!

Daily Thanksgiving: It's Thursday, meaning that it's my last day of classes for the week and I only have chem lab left today. That's amazing. 2 weeks of school left. Snow stopped, but it's still cold. I have been pretty productive since learning I am a Type A personality that gets close to maxing out the procrastination scale. Did I mention only 2 weeks left of school? I get to go apartment shopping tomorrow, again, but I'm still pretty excited. G-d has brought me to the end and He has kept me safe through most of my first year of college, and I believe He will continue to keep me safe through the last little stretch.

Rejuvinated

Shabbat Shalom!

Today I went to shul (congregation), for the first time in a month and it was so good. G-d let the worship team sing some of my all-time favorite songs and I found out that I will be done with school by their Shavuot celebration so I get to dance with the dance team!!! I have missed dancing so much, and I didn't even do it all that much. But for some reason, it gets out in physical form what I want to do when worshiping. I can't really explain it, but oh how I love to dance! Only Davidic dancing, not slow dancing or prom dancing or anything, only the stuff for worship. Do me a favor and look up Davidic dancing or messianic worship dancing, or something about Hebrew dances or anything like that. Truly, if more churches danced the way David did, I think we would be better at expressing ourselves and our love for G-d because it doesn't matter what we look like, so long as we are giving G-d praise with every fiber, cell, atom of our being. Also, every since I saw Prince of Egypt by Dreamworks, I wanted to dance like they danced at that dinner party. Now I do! You have no idea how excited I was when I first went to our congregation and realized I could potentially dance like they danced.

Anyway, it was an excellent Shabbat. G-d made a lot of stuff a whole lot  clearer, I am on my way to getting right with Him and I pray that He will handle my life. Lately, I have been trying to figure life out which always gets me into trouble. I need to rely solely on Him, because when I do, He allows everything else to fall into place and He even improves my grades when I focus on Him and not necessarily on school. Foolish me, I had to try to drive the car of my life again. Unfortunately, I don't think I will ever be able to fully relinquish all of my life for the rest of my life, without trying to take control of stuff again, because I'm human. By the time He is in full control, I will likely be home with Him. But, for right now, I have Shalom. This peace that I have not felt in such a long time, and joy; both came over me today in worship and it was like a cold drink of water on a scorching hot day. A cool, sweet breeze in the midst of hot, muggy weather. My worries are at rest tonight and my brain is free for the first time in months. Life is never too much for G-d to handle and He performs miracles, some that we don't even see, every day. He is to incredible, gracious, holy, mighty and gentle.

Daily Thanksgiving: I was able to go to shul and dance today. I found out I get to be home for Shavuot (more on what that is to come). G-d provides me with the desires of my heart like dancing, the songs I love, and so much more. He has given me peace and rest from the worries and anxiety I bring on myself. He is so great and merciful and amazing. I had a wonderful day. Also, he brought me home safe and He brought me back to school safely!

Quality Time

Hopefully you have heard about "love languages". I find them to be valuable pieces of information that help me get to know and understand people. My love language, according to the quizzes I've taken, is quality time. Today, I got to spend loads of quality time with my mama. I love that woman! I am so blessed to have her. We talked about boys, work, friends, school, and so on. The beauty about talking with her is that she understands extraverted people, while I don't even understand myself. She gives me advice on everything, regardless of what it is. I am so very thankful that G-d gave her wisdom and insight into my life and me. I am an oddball, she knows it, everyone knows it. But she understands my boundaries and is the only person not trying to make my boundaries more like everyone else's. Even my mentors from church tell me that my boundaries are too outlandish and that I should loosen up. My mom, however, understands them and she sticks by my decision to keep them as strict as they are.

So we went to lunch, then we went shopping and talked for a couple hours. Then I went with my brother to go get coffee (even though it's really hot here already) and we drove all over Kingdom Come looking for a bank. I've lived here for almost my whole life and I still get lost! What's wrong with me? Then I forgot my debit card in the drive-up ATM... thankfully the car behind me found it, then stalked me to a parking lot where he returned it. Okay, he didn't really stalk me, I just pulled over to walk into the bank instead of using the ATM, but it was so sweet of him to bring my card back! It was also smart on his part, because he would have only had a few bucks, because I'm nearly broke...

Daily Thanksgiving: I don't have to be around people today. I got to go to lunch with my mama and work some stuff out in my life. I was able to spend time with my brother and we didn't get in a car wreck! I am alive. G-d allowed today's weather to be so beautiful! Also, I got to go on a walk with my dog, who I miss and love so very much. I am also thankful that my platelet donation went so well this morning.

I forgot to mention my platelet donation! It was good. I love donating blood and platelets, mostly because I like watching them use needles, and it's also pretty cool to see your blood and plasma and platelets... I'm just kind of sick that way, I guess. I've done this a few times and normally my lips just get tingly, but this time I looked down, then my eyes went crossed-eyed. I didn't make them do it either! Then, they got stuck like that for about 15-25 seconds!!! It was so freaky, I thought I was going to pass out, or die, or go blind or something. Fortunately I didn't, but I probably should have told someone about it because it happened a few times... I told my mom and she freaked out a little and said I should have informed them about it, but I'm good. I hope I'm okay.

Short and Sweet

Folks, I'm going to keep this short and sweet and just do my daily thanksgivings in this post.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am alive. I'm passing my classes with at least a B. I got to talk to my parents (and have a little cry, but don't worry about that). G-d's allowing me to have fun and He is also teaching me a lot about others and even more about myself. I am so very thankful for the ability and opportunity to go to college and have it be so close to home. I am the daughter of THE King, THE Creator, and THE One TRUE G-d (all names for the same G-d). He protects me and loves me despite my foolishness and He forgives me for my many shortcomings when I ask for forgiveness. He loves me enough to discipline me and also He loves me enough to let me make mistakes that He fixes in the end. He holds my heart. He holds my past, present, and future and He will never leave me, nor will He forsake me. He is my G-d, my Abba (Father), and I am not worthy of His love or grace or provisions.

Completely Fed Up

Do y'all ever have those days were you are just fed up with everything? You don't want to work, or go to school, or have friends or even breath...

Ya, I'm having one of those months.

I love my friends. I like my job and I'm very grateful I have employment. I am truly thankful for the opportunity to go to college to further my career and I am also very grateful that G-d allows me to continue breathing. Today, I am just having a tough time. Maybe it's the mid-April snow storm or the fact that I have a billion, potentially life-changing decisions to make. Or it could just be that my brain's chemistry is off, especially today, causing this extreme discombobulation that is accompanying my demeanor. I don't know what it is, but it's bummin' me out! Also, it could likely be attributed to the fact that I got B's on every test I had last week, after I thought I had worked really hard to get better grades, because I was not being self-disciplined enough to stop hanging out with friends... On second thought, it could be that last one that is making me want to give up, not only at school, but at life because honestly, I don't know what I'm doing with my life!

I just want to know what my purpose on this planet is. I know we are here to give G-d glory and to allow His plans to go through, but do I have a bigger purpose? Some people "cure" diseases or save lives. Others make the world a better place by giving orphans a home and providing meals for those who don't have food. Yet others do other stuff that has some significant impact on the world and the general well-being of others. As for me, I don't do anything. I am just a student, quiet and shy. Timid and I used to be decent at school, but that is not necessarily the case any longer. I have friends that get to know me on the surface as I delve deeper into who they are, only to be deserted a few months or years down the road for someone else. I have been a best friend to countless others while I am still very lonely, and without a mate, myself. I am a daughter and sister. I am the oldest grandchild on my dad's side and just one of a bunch on my mom's side. I am a CNA who makes too many mistakes to count, and I'm almost surprised they haven't talked to me or fired me yet for making the other CNA's late all the time in their daily schedules. I was an unnoticeable cashier but now I stick with my life-long dilemma of no one remembering my name, or even my face.

It's times like these when I wonder what is going on? Why are we here? Do I even have a bigger purpose or am I just a space-filler? Does anybody get me or am I just an undetectable island? Will there ever be a friend that gives me what I give to them? I don't need much, just someone to hear me when I can't find anyone. I need someone who will sit with me when I just need to know someone else is there. I need someone to be silly with, but who I can also pour my heart out to as they make sense of the mess within me. I need a wise mentor who is also looking for advice from me.

I need to be needed... understood... accepted... nurtured... loved.