Views On Marriage

After the post I wrote about the dating culture found in my generation, I went to church and learned sat through a whole sermon on marriage.

Let's start off by knowing that I had worked Saturday night, decided to stay awake in order to go to Sunday morning church, but needed to be sleeping in order to work Sunday night. Also remember that I need sleep more than I need oxygen. Sleep is my drug, my comfort, one of my main coping tools, and a general excitement to me at any point in time.

Sleep is important to me, that's the moral of that story.

So, instead of sleeping, that Sunday morning, I went to church (a new church to me, mind you), like a good girl... and regretted it. The pastor decided it would be a good decision to talk about marriage and why it is so important to our lives. Super.

He had 3 points, that I cannot recall at the moment, because I was mostly sitting there in zombie mode, tuning out because I was not following his sermon at all. What I did catch, however, was that we read 4-5 verses about marriage out of Genesis 5, and then we NEVER OPENED THE BIBLE OR READ ANY MORE VERSES FOR THE ENTIRE REST OF CHURCH. Instead of reading from the Good Book to talk about how G-d seems to place certain gravity on the importance of marriage, relationships, and the raising of children, the pastor used quotes from people. He used quotes from guys who have probably been dead for a few decades, but once upon a time had written some doctrinal document that is now revered as being more important that G-d's Word. Of all the frickin' subjects spoken of in the Bible, marriage is kind up there on subjects that you can find a plethora of verses for. I'm just sayin'. For the love of Pete, dude, why are you having a sermon about what mere humans have to say about what they think they want G-d to be referring to in the Word instead of simply going to the Word yourself? Ugh, it made me more angry than I probably should have been. I was sleep deprived and already riled up without throwing this on the mix.

The only plus about the church was that there were a few cute guys, but I feel like they were 1) likely already married or 2) not somebody I should be dating if I already know I don't agree with the pastor on a few subjects...

The kid I "broke up" with a couple weeks ago keeps asking me if I am going to church on Sundays. I keep reminding him that I work but that I'll get around to finding a church eventually. I don't know why everybody feels the need to tell me what I need to be doing all the time. I've been living on my own for 4 years now... if I need help I usually call mom, call dad, then ask for help if they cannot assist me. However, for the most part, I am okay with figuring out how to be an adult on my own. Of all the things I have had to learn on my own: dmv, driver's license, college financial aid nightmares..., college admission, FAFSA, car maintenance (with phone assistance from dad in many cases), renting houses/apartments, living in the dorms, getting jobs (since I was 16!)... I've done a lot on my own. Yes, I still need help occassionally and sometimes it's good to get reminders when I'm going through my depression of "hey, maybe you should remember that it's hard to motivate yourself to go to support group, but it will probably help you today." That's a nice reminder. However, harping on me to go to church continually, like several times in a week when it's already only fucking Tuesday, is not going to do anyone any good and you might end up as a patient in the ER.

Anywho, that particular Sunday, I answered his "good morning" text by letting him know I went to a church but didn't like it so the hunt was continuing on. It turned into a 15 message conversation where he kept telling me what I should be doing, which led me to getting angry but trying to stay civil while also not taking any of his shit...

I was still sleep deprived, now irritated after church, and beginning to boil with him telling me what to do repeatedly. He asked why I didn't like the church, but I never told him which one I had visited. I told him the pastor was more worried about what some silly guy wrote as a doctrine a billion years ago that he (pastor) was about what the Word actually said.

He sympathized, finally, with me then suggested I go to Church R. He said it was a solid, Biblically-based church, with great fellowship... blah, blah, blah. Then, I got to reveal to him the church I was so upset with was Church R!!!

Hahaha, oh man, that made me laugh! It was a sick and twisted thing to laugh at, now that I think back, but I finally found words to explain why some of his discussions with me frustrated me so much, without making it personal towards him. This kid is all about doctrine and quoting some dead guy, from generations past, who thinks he found this "missing meaning" in the Bible that doesn't have a whole lot of scriptural backing when the rest of the Bible is considered. It drives me crazy.

Despite this fact, he is fairly kind in our discussions, even though we believe very differently about most things. And, it's allowing me to have chances to figure out what I believe and how to explain it to others with scriptures to reference. So, in a way, it's good to have some "friendly" fights/discussions every once in a while so that I don't become stagnant in my beliefs and forget why I believe what I believe.



My views and beliefs of marriage are still similar and still perplexing to me. I called my Mom crying when I told her all of this and confessed that I feel torn between wanting marriage and feeling completely okay with being single for the rest of my life. The flip-flopping is ridiculous and giving me a headache! Not really, that was an exaggeration. I also wrestle with the timing of when/if marriage will happen for me. My mom, in her patience and wisdom has had to endure listening to me ramble on about this stuff too many times to count. She reminded me that if G-d wants me single, He will make a way that single life is okay, productive, and my life will still have abundant meaning. If, however, He so chooses to provide a husband and allow me to experience marriage, then He will orchestrate the time and person all in His infinite knowledge.

Even knowing all of these things does not always make it easier in the wait. You know what? That's okay. I've found that the things I have wanted most in this life: jobs, my car, getting into nursing school, graduating college, becoming an RN, getting a NICU job, moving away from home then moving to Small Town, and even the dog that we adopted... all of these things are things that I prayed and prayed for, had to wait for, and worked really hard for (minus the dog, mom paid for her). In all of these things, I wanted to take short-cuts, but that only led to heart-ache and unnecessary stress in my life. However, when I waited and took things slow, waiting on G-d's plan and not trying to make things happen how I wanted it, G-d gave me the desires of my heart and I am content with the outcomes because there is peace in the end result when everything is the way G-d needed it to be.

Long-winded response to remind myself to be patient.

Today's Dating Culture

I've been doing some thinking about today's "dating" culture. I know, that's sketchy business 1) for me thinking and 2) trying to analyze the culture of my generation. I've come to some sad realizations, and it makes me believe that the only way for me to end up getting married or even having a successful dating relationship will be by major miracle and some serious mountain moving/water splitting. I have no doubt the Good L-rd can do it, but it'll be interesting to see if He wants to.

1. Guys don't know how to keep conversations except by text or meme. Even when going to coffee with a guy, I found myself trying to make conversation with someone who clearly didn't have any interest in speaking with me. Why, then, did he insist he enjoyed spending time with me and talking with me when he would end up ignoring me to look at memes on his phone? Bro, seriously, I'm right here.
2. Boys/guys (because they are legally old enough to be "men" but not mature enough to be labeled as such) don't know how to ask a girl out. Back in the day, they would go up to a girl who caught their fancy, learn a little about them, bring the girl flowers, ask her on a date, plan said date to a T, pay for her meal, pull out her chair, hold open doors, and they would get excited about hand holding and plan how to get a hand hold worked into the date. Now, girls are expected to kiss the guy who asks "do you want to hang out?" and proceeds to meet her somewhere that she is expected to pick. Affectionate displays like hand holding, hugs, and generally kisses are expected, especially if dinner was paid for by the guy. And things like flowers, cards, sweet acts from them are not the norm, they are reserved for a year anniversary or Valentine's Day if the couple has been dating for several months before the despicable day arrives. 
3. Texting is something that is done on a daily basis, so there is not much to talk about when the couple meets in person. Add that to the fact that guys these days don't know how to carry on a conversation or talk about anything real and this is simply a recipe for disaster and suddenly, the fact that guys spend their whole date on their phone instead of looking at the girl sitting across from them, makes much more sense. Also the text "WRYD?" (translation: "What are you doing?" We're too lazy to even type it out *facepalm*) instead of asking meaningful questions to spark an intellectual discussion, comes into play about 4 times an hour, at minimum.
4. With no values placed on the importance of dating, having the balls to ask a girl out in person, and getting to know one another while having worth-while conversations face-to-face, it's a wonder anyone gets married these days. 
5. Add in the prevalence of online-dating, and it becomes clear why guys are less likely to commit to one girl, why they have no guts to ask a girl out in person, and how conversations never get past the "so what's your favorite thing to do?" texts. 

Don't get me wrong, girls are helping to perpetuate all of this shit. We make it too easy on guys, by not expecting anything more of them, by not demanding respect and by not waiting ourselves for hand-holding, hugs, and kisses. We have become so addicted to the feel good hormones that accompany such acts, that we refuse to put off that sensation when we meet a new fella. Therefore, we are always chasing the rush instead of finding a guy that is ready to commit to a relationship, and we are often not even wanting to commit because we "fall out of love". Instead, it turns out we merely "fell out" of infatuation because love was never a destination we understood how to get to.

In a culture of instant gratification, looking for deals, expecting life to turn out like a fucking Disney Princess movie, and nobody taking responsibility for their own actions, we have lost the art of dating. What chance do we stand to have a life-long marriage to a high-school sweetheart? What hope do we have to even find someone to marry for any longer than about 6 months to a year? There are online dating sites targeted to help married men find someone to cheat on their wife with. There are countless websites aimed at helping people to find meaningless "relationships" in order to merely have a one-night stand. Even dating websites targeted at "helping" those of a religious background find others with a similar mindset are being used for evil people to find the purest members of a particular faith in order to target them for sexual violence or to try to snatch them away from G-d. Don't tell me it doesn't happen, I know it does.

So, with the cowards that we have become, the inability to tear ourselves from our fucking screens, and the loss of understanding what dating and marriage is supposed to look like, how is there any chance for anyone from this generation to find what G-d intended marriage to look like?

Random Thoughts

It's 0230 and I'm home, but not able to sleep. This, combined with odd life circumstances and a naturally analytical mind, leave me with strange thoughts on a regular basis.

• The extent of which the domestic violence I survived is beginning to hit me from a more logical frame of reference instead of solely from the emotional garbage it laid on me.
• The mice that have taken up residence under my kitchen sink are fixin' to meet the Good L-rd if they don't take the bait in the live traps I set out so that I can transport them to another location still breathing...
• The screen name BedpanAlley doesn't really suit me anymore, seeing as I no longer deal with bedpans... so I need a new name.
• I want to change the way NICU and L&D cares work in the United States, but that's an awful big dream for one tiny little gal. Especially if said gal hopes to someday get married and potentially have children (though that seems improbable and dangerous).
• I need to find a church, but that leads me to try to find a church with a single's group. However, my motives for finding a single's group is less honorable than they should be, because I want a fella. Several problems with this: 1) church should be to learn about G-d, not to find some boy 2) I just tried to "talk" with a boy in hopes of eventually dating and learned I am so far from being ready to date that it's not even funny 3) I still have to wrestle with some shit before dating is even on my radar.
• I need friends to hang out with. While Dog is digging the amount of time I spend at home, she is less thrilled with the fact that I sleep about 18 hours a day. Before you say anything, yes, I know this is unhealthy and I'm working on changing it. She and I went for a "run" today and I made it out of the house before noon!
• My last shift of orientation is tonight. Just let that sink in.
• I wonder how my folks are really doing. I've called them nearly 4 times each this week, but they always make it sound as if they are fine.
• I miss Brother, but he won't talk to me.
• My week is fixin' to become overloaded with extra days they will ask me to work. Knowing me, and how much I would love the overtime pay, I will likely work a bunch of the extra shifts. I'm saving for a car, massage, mani/pedi, trip to a fancy resort in Home State with mom, general savings account, and student loan repayment
• I have mice living in my house. They didn't ask permission and they sure as hell aren't paying rent! Maybe I should get a cat? But Dog tries to eat cats because they look and move like squirrels... Plus I'm allergic to cats and they pee everywhere. *sigh*
• ... Oh, and I think my washing machine broke.

...And Closure

So I got the closure call today. He was really sweet and apologized for being insensitive and for wanting the relationship to move over my hurdles of: riding in a car with somebody, going to the movies, going over to his apartment (yes, with his roommates there), etc. These are things that most girls don't have such a difficult time with. I have understandable fears about these things, but it requires a guy to be extra patient with me, and I get that.

Well, he wanted me to come over to his place, he thought not riding in the same car was odd, but he complied without complaining to me, and he tried a couple times to go to the movies, but didn't push it too bad when I refused to. Sometime last week, he told me that he thinks that I just need to push past some of my fears of going over to a guys house, going to the movies, and riding with somebody. I got a little upset, but stayed true to my boundaries concerning those things because I went back on those things once and it turned out worse than the first tragedy. I can be made fun of all day long, but I think that it's about time that I start fighting for myself and what I know to be true and what I need to do/not do.

He had called saying he really missed me and wanted closure. I don't know if I gave that to him, but I stuck true to my desire to wait until I was at least a year past my anniversaries. I fought to get out of those shitty relationships of 2015, I am not done fighting for myself, and I will continue to advocate for what I need regardless of what others want. I am shocked that he ever apologized, I think it was really sweet and the things he did that gave me pause weren't on purpose. He's gone through some tough stuff too, so he was trying to help me "get over" my stuff the way he was able to work past his stuff. Thing is, 1) not everybody heals the same way, 2) my wounds are still fairly fresh, and 3) we went through different ordeals. In fact, they are very different. Still very real and very scarring, but we can agree that they are different.

So, on with my day I go, as a single lady in Small Town...

Break-Up?

I broke up with a guy that I didn't know I was dating... I think that maybe both parties should be notified if a friendship suddenly moves into the dating phase... Maybe that's just me?

 At least he took it well. He told me that we couldn't get dinner together or hang out without other friends around anymore. He also told me that "since we're not dating, we can't hold hands and no more forehead kisses anymore." He said it in such a way, that he seemed to be making that a punishment. All I could think was: Bro, you're the one who did those things. I did not instigate such gestures. But hey, at least he had good boundaries in "dating" and he's willing to enforce different, more strict ones after a break-up.

When I originally broke the news to him that I couldn't handle the dating and girlfriend labels because I'm just not ready, he told me that nobody is ready because dating and marriage are all about being self-less and learning to serve another. Well no shit, but it's also about communication so that THE OTHER PERSON KNOWS THEY ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP!!! I'm not being selfish by refusing to "date" you and I'm not changing my decision. He was nice, but I got frustrated that he went on his little tangent. Seriously dude, just don't even go there with me. You don't know my life, you don't know what I've been through. You don't even know me! So don't start.


The next day I sent a text to Best Friend asking: "Am I a heartless bitch for not being sad after 'breaking up' with a kid I didn't know I was dating?" Oh to have heard the laughter in person!  He told me I wasn't and proceeded to laugh, as only he can at my strange life circumstances and told me that I am very serious about being clear of what my relationship status is. I asked if he was being sarcastic, as he normally is with me, but he told me he was not. Apparently he recalls the slow, painful road he and I took towards that front a few years ago. Oh that poor child, at least he knew where we stood at all points in our relationship, from acquaintance to friendship to "trial run" of potentially dating.

I'm so glad somebody gets me and finds humor in the things I find funny. After the "break-up" call with the recent fella, I was too baffled by what he was saying and his little rant to be able to say anything more than "okay" repeatedly. I feel a little bit bad that he's now worried about me being super sad, even though I wasn't because I was unaware I was supposed to be emotionally invested. However, am I supposed to stop him and say that I'm not actually sad in the least? Nah, that would just be mean. This kid is a believer and he goes to church. I don't need to add on extra issues to the stresses he's facing in his life at the moment.

Bipolar Rollercoaster of a Breakup

For those of you that have been following, this break-up has been really tough on me, but there are good things about it.

• I'm feeling stronger than I have in over a year, and probably stronger than I ever have been.
• I'm finally getting counseling (tomorrow) without anyone around to make fun of me for going. In fact, exfiance and I had a bet that he just lost and he gets to start counseling on Thursday. He was the one making fun of me for going before and now he has no place to talk.
• I'm learning to speak my mind instead of protect other people's feelings.
• I'm feeling free for the first time in a very long time. This makes me happy, some days.
•  The main thing that is making me happy since this break-up is... SO MANY GUYS ARE FLIRTING WITH ME!

Now, I am not going to act on the flirting at all right now, and not for a very long time (if ever). However, it excites me a ridiculous amount because it means guys think I'm pretty and worth talking to. A couple days after the break-up, one of the CNA's I was working with started flirting with me that night. He probably talked with me for over an hour and a half during the course of the shift.

Today I went to visit Brother at work. He works at a hookah shop and lots of people go through there in a day, but I probably wouldn't date any of them because nearly 98% probably smoke weed. Anyway, I got a compliment on my hair from one guy. Another guy came in to look around and ended up staying for about an hour talking with my brother and I. Brother said he was into me because he was trying to tell me all of his good qualities by working it "subtly" into conversation. I noticed that he was blushing, super smiley and giggly, and when he left he introduced himself to my brother an I with handshakes (I mean, who does that in college?) and after hearing my name he repeated it. He was so stinkin' cute but I won't ever pursue it because he's got a lot of red flags popping up already for him from my end. Another co-worker mentioned that Brother's manager wants to date me and all of the coworkers he works with make a point to ask when we will start dating. Plus, Brother's roommate has had a crush on me since we met two and a half years ago.

Again, I will not be allowing any of these guys to start relationships with me but it makes me feel so pretty and desirable by complete strangers. It's a confidence booster that I needed after two guys who didn't tell me I looked good after spending 3 hours to do my hair and make-up and get new clothes to look good for them. Well guys, turns out I'm kinda a catch!

When guys learn I like to shoot guns, fish, camp (real camping in tents, not "glamping" in an RV), riding horses, fixing cars, welding, cows, etc. they typically think I'm a bad-ass! The guys I dated did not. Being a church girl is typically an exciting thing. Being an almost baby nurse is typically an exciting and admirable thing. Also, it turns out I'm a frickin' fantastic girlfriend! I'll also be a great mom. The guys I dated didn't care about any of this, but most other guys I meet think this is all super exciting stuff!

Maybe G-d is just showing me that these two guys weren't the end-all-be-all for me. Maybe He's showing me that I'm desirable and there may be a guy who falls in love with everything that I am because some people think I'm great. Not to toot my own horn, but I am pretty great. Yes, I have a lot of faults and a lot of shortcomings, but I have a lot of positive attributes too.

Thank you L-rd for today being a huge confidence booster. Please protect me from now on and bring a great guy into my life. (More on the kind of guy I think I might want later, or maybe never because the list is way too long).

Oh, roommate and puppy came back today. I have been so lonely this whole month and a half of Winter Break but they're back! I'm sad break is over and I'm starting my last semester of nursing school, but I love school and I love peds/ob. I'm hoping that this semester isn't as terrible as everyone says it is. Here's to praying that I get to enjoy my last semester of nursing school instead of barely surviving with life so that school doesn't even matter (which is how 2015 turned out). Please, oh L-rd, let 2016 be better than 2015 ended up for me!!!

If this post doesn't show the ups and downs of life and bipolar disorder after the last post, I don't know what will. 

Sweetness Turned Bitter

This weekend was really eye-opening. It was a little bit crazy. My head is still spinning and my heart is a little bit broken. Let's explore why, shall we?

Friday I went on another date with the new fella. I was sick so we mainly just drove around town. He stopped and helped some people who had gotten their car stuck on a back-road but they weren't listening to his advice, even though he is a mechanic, and so we left. He was supposed to sign the papers for his house that day but they ended up pushing that back for the billionth time but he got the keys to his house. Oh, and Roommate's sugar glider died while she was babysitting. I found him dead when I got back from the date. I feel really bad because that is the second small animal that has died on my watch in the past few months. He was doing okay until I went to feed him and he was super lethargic so I think he might have had a really bad electrolyte imbalance or an infection of some sort.

Saturday he had to work in the morning so he swung by and picked me up after work. He helped me get the dead critter out of his cage and get him all comfy for burial. Then I cleaned up the cage and took it all with us out to Roommate's house (which is near his place). We drove out to his current place. I met his grandparents. They took us to lunch and then we went out and saw his new place. It's a really nice house and his grandparents are so adorable! Then he brought me back into town and we went to Brother's house so they could meet, the local feed/clothing store, the home improvement store to look at paint and appliances for his house. That was kinda funny because people kept asking me if I needed help but I'm not even the one buying the house or the appliances. I think they thought we were engaged or married because I had my purity rings on my left hand ring finger... He took me to dinner and we played pool for awhile. Then I had him take me home because I was exhausted and I wanted him to be able to have a decent chance at sleep. But I swung by brother's house so I could talk the day over with him real quick.

When he brought me to Roommate's mom's house to drop off the critter, New Fella was acting really weird. He told me that he had taken Roommate's cousin on a couple dates and didn't want to see her so I let him stay in the car. There was a family gathering in the house and the cousin was there. When I walked in I was getting death glares but I ignored them because I didn't think I had done anything wrong. Little did I know, New Fella started talking to me the same time he started talking to Roommate's cousin. He took her on a couple dates right before he started taking me on dates. He explained all of this in the car ride on the way back to town (45 minute drive) and all of the puzzle pieces started falling into place. He kept saying things to me on the first couple dates that were just off but I brushed them aside because he had been drinking the night we met. Turns out he was just confusing the two of us.

Oh, but it gets better! Right after he explains all of this to me, we go walking around the feed store. Guess who we run into in the store! Go ahead, guess! The cousin's mom. Guess who we parked next to... The cousin's mom and the cousin's dad was in the truck! Guess who just so happened to be driving the exact way we needed to be going to get to Brother's house... You're so smart, the same people! New Fella was flustered and super red all over. I thought it was funny at the time, but the more I think about it and talk with Roommate, the more it bugs me. Why was she so convinced the relationship was going so well that she called him her boyfriend after only a couple of dates? I know what it is like to be the other girl in this situation and I got so mad! You know who did it to me? If you've been reading and maybe keeping track with my roundabout thought process, you'll know that's what Country Boy did before I stopped talking to me and he died shortly after that. I don't need trouble with Roommate's family and his grandmother works with Roommate's mom at the town bank. I went to a dance New Year's Eve and I get dropped into a huge, dramatic ordeal after only talking with this boy for maybe three weeks. Is this the L-rd telling me it's a no-go? The L-rd already told me it wouldn't last and I prayed for signs for the New Fella (NF) because that's what NF goes off of instead of prayer and hearing from the L-rd.

Recap of why Saturday was rough: Sugar Glider died and I had to take it to Roommate's house to be buried. This uncovered huge drama with the cousin.

Today (Sunday) I slept in and then he came back into town to go to an antique store with his cousin and the cousin's girlfriend. It was pretty fun! But we were clicking so well and now something feels wrong. It all just feels wrong which sucks because it was going really well. It was easy to talk about liking each other. It was easy to hold hands and just chill. It was easy to share some of my secrets with him. We agree and give the same answers to so many questions that we ask each other to get to know each other. It was easy but it just feels heavy now.

I need to talk with him and explain my situation but I have a hard time bringing up these tough conversations. Things were getting good, we were meeting each others friends and families. We were discussing hypothetical children and fake weddings. I am currently helping him situate his house and get it decorated.

If this is the end I don't want to wait forever for another guy to come along. I have been praying for years, I have gone through some pretty heavy stuff to get to this point and I was so excited that I am happy. I am the traditional kind of happy because I finally met a guy that has a ton of things in common with me and we mesh so much better than Country Boy and I did. I finally felt cherished by a human guy and I just started to understand why people act funny when they find a significant other.

Even though I don't want to wait forever for another guy, I also don't know that this is completely right. It's hard feeling like I have something that I've wanted for so long dangled in front of my face only to have it snatched right back after only a couple of weeks. It's hard to know that I will have to blindly trust the L-rd to either bring me someone else or allow me to be single for another frickin' long season of life, it feels like this is my millionth long and tough season of trusting. I'm heavy with disappointment and yet I am still talking with New Fella as if everything were okay because I haven't gotten enough courage built up to bring up the hard stuff.

It's a Happy New Year Indeed!

Let me tell you a story about my New Year's Eve. It was so fun!

We decided to go out to Roommate's mom's house after I had worked to night. No big deal because I got to sleep for a couple of hours in between.

We headed out to her place around 5 with no big complications. There was a small dinner at her mom's house before we all headed to the dance. So, it was Roommate, her mom, the step-dad (he's is so cool, I just love him to pieces!), Roommate's cousin, and two of that kid's cousins on the other side of his family tree (just roll with it). Oh, plus me. Already we have a recipe for a great night because these people are so fun.

We get to the dance about an hour after it began with a different one of Roommate's cousins because we had to jump over to the next town to get soda. That's how small this town is, there isn't a gas station or grocery store for at least 9 miles down the road.

The dance is fun and we're all just hanging out in a big circle in the back with my uncle and aunt and some other people I've never met before.

At midnight Roommate agreed that we would start a new single girl tradition of giving each other high-fives because we have nobody to kiss (and I avoid kisses like the plague, but for very different reasons!) A little while later a guy comes up and asks me to dance. He is such a good dancer! He asked for my number after the first dance and then we danced a few more songs. Also, he smells really good even after dancing for hours before finally asking me onto the floor. That's a super great bonus!

So, excellent night right? We closed the city hall down, which is where the dance was at, around 2 a.m. I was so tired I was begging to go home but I got talked into going to another party. I was told we would only be there for 30 minutes. That was a lie. We left around 4 a.m.! However, the party was super fun. I didn't drink when I was there but I won three games of beer pong in a row! Every time the other team got the ball in a cup and it was my turn to drink I would pour it into a different cup and they didn't even notice! Ya, they were way too far gone. I feel like a cheater but... I wasn't about to get sick or do something silly just because I had been drinking. Hey, the guy was there and we won a game together! I need to come up with a name for him...

Fast-forward to about 0400 today and he finally texted me! I thought he had forgotten about me or didn't actually care that he got my number. Well, turns out he remembered me and we are going on a date tomorrow (tonight because it is now 0138). I'm too excited to sleep and I even took all my herbs to help with sleep, plus magnesium, plus melatonin...

Bonus #2! Roommate gets to come with me and it's going to be a group date because I was really nervous it would just be the two of us. Phew! I won't have to sustain a conversation the entire night by myself. We are going to go to dinner and bowling and though I am okay at beer pong, I am terrible at bowling so hopefully he doesn't dislike me just because we lose. I already warned him but nobody ever understands the severity of my badness until they experience it for themselves first-hand. Ah well, I will let you know how it goes tomorrow and maybe he'll even get a better nickname for this blog!

Daily Thanksgiving: Roommate gets to come with me on my first date and I had a blast dancing on New Year's Eve! Most importantly, G-d brought me through 2014. I think this was one of my roughest, if not the roughest year of my life so far but G-d allowed me to survive. He brought me through! I pray that 2015 goes much better for me and all of you out there. Happy New Year!

I think I will try to give a synopsis of my 2014 tomorrow, if I remember. I'll also let you know how the night goes with him and then maybe I'll tell you a bit more about him. Teaser: he's pretty cute and he seems to have his life together fairly well. He's a really good dancer and so far he's super sweet while also being able to be upfront instead of beating around the bush. He also instigated the whole thing and asked me out after only meeting me once instead of hoping I would ask him after months of only texting each other. All things I was looking and hoping for so we'll see! Pray for safety for both of our hearts, his understanding of my weird boundaries, and fun, lots of fun.

Confessions of a College Prude, Part 2

Lately, in my life, there has been an abundance of sex talk. It's getting on my nerves, to be honest because nobody is discussing the desire to refrain from it but merely rumors and desires to take part in it.

There have been stories of people losing their virginity in middle school. Many conversations about "numbers" (the amount of people individuals have slept with. Some people have begun describing in vivid detail certain acts or positions. Still others discuss their sadness that they have not yet given themselves entirely over to another person in that way. Most of these conversations were cut short on my end because I proceeded to plug my ears and began humming in order to drown out the information being presented.

I don't want to know the details of acts, or numbers, or anything else that I do not need to know about sex! In my book, I need to know that: 1) it's how you get babies, STD's, funky rashes, and other various conditions that one may find themselves in that require medical treatment, 2) there are psychological and emotional scars that can develop, 3) THAT I DO NOT NEED TO BE PARTAKING IN THESE ACTIONS UNTIL I AM MARRIED!!! That is it! All other information simply chips away at my dwindling innocence and causes me to have nightmares and panic attacks (on a regular basis).

My dating/marriage rules are strict, I understand that. However, those rules only apply to myself, I do not expect anyone else to follow them. If they don't follow them, I simply ask that all conversations about sex be held until I am out of hearing range. People cease cussing due to simple requests, is it too much to ask that inappropriate talk be held too?

It was brought to my attention that one of my friends is not pleased with the amount of physical contact they have had with the opposite gender. This conversation was light and was mostly about kissing and holding hands which are both okay for me to discuss with people because those are "normal" dating practices that are mostly started when dating anybody (with me and maybe a handful of others in the exception). When talking about these things, though, most people don't realize that I abstain from these little gestures as well. This may have a large part to do with my tongue ring, which I have been informed is used for unsavory acts of the sexual nature (things that I do not partake in). So people begin talking about these things and they haven't known me long enough to know that I am saving hand holding for my engagement, or kissing and beyond for when I am married.

Bringing this up with other people has proven slightly foolish in my experience because my closest friends and mentors all advise me to not wait for these things. I was encouraged and told that "it would be highly unlikely for me to be in a relationship with someone I really liked without kissing them." Yes, it will be hard, but that doesn't mean that it is bad. I am not forcing these rules on anyone else and I understand that if G-d sends along someone who I really like and who really likes me, there will be a pull for physical contact like kissing and hand-holding. However, by saving these little gestures, it's not going to cause any harm to me or my beloved. We won't get an STD or become pregnant before marriage, we won't become ill or suffer any psychological issues by waiting either. Why, then, is everyone counseling me to just go ahead a kiss whatever guy comes along? Why are they encouraging me to date, just to get the first one out of the way? I "tried" that, it was one of the biggest regrets of my life because I don't want to date just anybody, I wanted to wait until it seemed like the L-rd was guiding us both into the relationship instead of me getting talked into it by someone who had put me up on an unrealistic, unhealthy pedestal.

Seriously, the most waiting could do is make me become a cat lady. Which would make my death folder come in mighty handy because I am allergic to cats and they would likely suffocate me in my sleep.

You know what makes me the most sad? I feel embarrassed discussing these things with people because I have gotten such negative reactions from them so far. Some of my friends have decided they are going to take me to a bar, try to get me drunk, and then attempt to talk guys into making out with me. There are so many holes in that plan, but it bugs me that my closest friends can't just leave me be. It's not they are intervening for self-destructive behavior, they are attempting to make me do things that I don't want to do but that aren't causing harm to anyone. My mentors have continuously told me that it is okay to kiss boys and I shouldn't go any farther than I am comfortable with, but that lines should be past the hand-holding/kissing/cuddling things to really only prevent "real sex" from occurring until marriage. It's almost like skinny shaming where people tell thin people to go eat a hamburger or gain some weight even though the person is not anorexic or bolimic or anything else unhealthy.

I want another chance with this kid. I want to explain that while many people lose their virginity or hold a lot of emphasis on getting to a certain point in their physical relationship, that is not the general consensus among everyone. Yes, it may seem like everyone is sleeping around and has done more than you, but that's just because the people that hold-off are either not talking about not doing anything or they are getting drowned out by the people with the crazy hook-up stories. I just want to explain that this tongue ring was an attempt to not go back down my self-harm path that I have a history of. I want to explain why I am choosing to not kiss or hold hands right now. I want to explain that I am in the minority, but I CHOSE to be in the minority and it's not as small of a group as it may seem. Oh I pray I get the chance and I pray that this person is receptive!

Most Fascinating Lunch

I was able to go out to lunch with a very dear friend of mine today. She and I were nearly inseparable from Best Friend and his roommate freshman year. Last year us girls and the guys hit a bit of a rough patch and then Best Friend and I decided to "try" the "going out" thing. If you recall, that did not go well.

Today at lunch I got a bit of a shock. Okay, a complete and total mind blowing load of information was dumped on me at lunch. Are you ready for this? Seriously, prepare yourself.

Anyway, after I broke up with Best Friend, turns out that he started hanging out with my gal friend a lot. That was not normal. What was unusual, however, is that he started sitting closer to her. Started cuddling. He gave her her first kiss. They made out on a few occasions. He grabbed her butt. Etc. Etc. Etc. She asked him if they were now more than friends because of the intimate moments they shared (as explained above). He told her they were only friends. Odd friends because they kissed, but he maintained that they were just friends. She was so hurt. She didn't want more than that in a relationship but she felt like a booty call because he would come over late at night just to make out with her and lay with her on the couch.

Ya, that bit of information infuriated me. The fact that she didn't tell me earlier so that I could help her get out of that unhealthy relationship made me hurt deeply for her.

After doing that to her, he moved onto another friend of mine. They had plans to go to a concert and even bought their tickets. Several months later, and only about a week before the concert, he texted her asking if it was okay if he brought his girlfriend along. She was crushed because she thought that concert was going to be a date with him. She had also just gotten over a really bad break-up and she trusted him.

My anger is mounting even as I relive this story.

Who knows how many other girls he went through before finding his current girlfriend. Who knows what he really wanted with me to begin with because what he told me is very, very different than what he has been doing. I thought I could trust him but it was all a big sham.

The kicker? I feel like another friend died because the Best Friend that I felt so close to and shared everything with was nothing like this new person in his same body. I thought it was bad enough that I just didn't have him in my life anymore but this feels worse, somehow. Like my experience with him was fake or an act. Maybe it was a dream and I didn't really live through what I thought I lived through.

Lunch was enlightening, infuriating, and heart breaking all at the same time. It was good to catch up with my good pal, but I wished people would tell me these things so that I could help them!!! I could have done something! I could have counseled her through this! I could have prevented her from giving him her first kiss. Praise the L-rd I did not give him mine.

Naivety Kills: Part 2

So, do y'all remember about a year ago when some strange, college aged guys came to my door and scammed me out of $20? Well, you can read that post again here. Today a different set of guys doing the same thing came to my door. Guys I did so well!!! They were flirting and I kept ignoring it. They asked for a decision to try to get money from me and I denied them at least 5 times. Dude, I'm getting smarter about people!!!

That was it.

The end.

Found This Randomly On Pinterest

So I found this randomly on Pinterest today while trying to learn how to do my makeup... How it got to this type of subject matter, I'm not sure.

This post nearly broke my heart again because there is hardly a day I go for more than a few hours before getting reminded of Country Boy. I still see guys that look like him in the store and my heart skips a beat. I dream of him. I can't go into Super Targets that have a Starbucks inside because that was our/my first "date"-like thing. When I get dressed up I wonder how he would have reacted. When I go dancing I wonder if he would have danced with me. I only knew him for a few months but he was the first guy to make me actually feel like a girl instead of one of the guys, or some stupid chick that just shows up randomly at fun events.

Suicide broke my heart and continues to break it several times a day. Please forgive the language in this picture/post, I don't use this kind of language, but it captures a bit of the anger and pain I feel.

Boys are Better

Over the past couple of weeks I have had the same conversation with nearly every one of my groups of friends that I come into contact with. The subject of why it's better to be a guy in comparison to my experience being a girl. You may disagree with some of my point, and that is okay. You can discuss it or simply understand that I am a tomboy with a "different" outlook on life.

Now, why is that Y chromosome able to make them better? Let's explore some of the reasons.

1) They can pee standing up which allows them to relieve themselves much more easily than us females. I need a place to sit/squat, some extra privacy (because we are much more exposed), and often I like to have an actual bathroom as opposed to a tree or bush. I also NEED a place to wash my hands with soap and water because germs. Yes, that is poor grammar and no, I do not wish to change it.

2) They smell better after working out.* I, on the other hand, do not smell nearly as nice after working out and require a shower immediately. Therefore, I tend to not do things to make me sweat because then I smell like a rotting carcass and people wonder what died.

*This comes with some exclusions and also with a time frame. Now, they typically smell okay for the first 20-30 minutes after beginning to sweat, after that it gets questionable quickly!

3) They don't have to shave. Think about this, it is typically socially unacceptable for a female in America to not shave her armpits or legs, especially if either one will be exposed. Guys, however, brag about long armpit hair, they get teased if the shave their leg hair, and facial hair is acceptable whether shaved or grown. Why do they get to be hairy beasts and we have to be hairless in all the right places with long hair on our heads?

4) Guys are better at EVERYTHING!!! Shooting guns? Guys can hit more targets and shoot guns better than girls can. Sports? Most guys can pick up any ball and innately know how to play it while I can't even hold the ball with one hand because my hands are too small. Driving? Guys pick up learning stick shift a whole lot faster than the ladies I have taught and way, way faster than it took me to learn it. Playing with kids? Guys are still kids so they have a weird ability to be able to play for hours with children while I struggle to understand what they want me to do to keep them entertained. Riding horses? How do they look so good while riding a horse? I mean seriously. Fixing stuff? I think that Y chromosome automatically makes guys understand how to fix cars, motors, stuff around the house, and also gives them the ability to drive or operate any type of machinery they come across.

5) They are physically stronger. I can barely pick up something that is 60-75 pounds after working out and strength training for months. Guys, because of testosterone, don't have to work out but can still pick up things that are twice the weight of me without ever doing anything to build up that strength. All because of testosterone.

6) They can roll out of bed and look good after about 15 minutes of getting ready. If I was to look even half way decent, it takes me a solid hour and a half. If I want to look good enough to go to a wedding, I takes at least 3 hours and a team of about 23 people who are specialized in "tough cases" to dress me, do my hair and make-up, and take care of everything else.

7) They typically cause less drama in their friend groups because they are fairly honest with what they are thinking. They also, typically, live in the here and now or in the future. Girls like to drag things out, keep secrets, gossip, and play games with each other. Females also like to drudge things up from the past and then over-analyze what happened, which means fights are never really over while guys beat each other up and forget about the issue almost immediately.

The list goes on, these are just the main points I remembered from what my friends and I came up with.

What brought this up? My general jealousy that I cannot do anything right while the guys in my life are able to excel at just about anything they try. Also, I had a couple of guys tell me that I need to try harder to look good because my hair was "poofy" (their words). Well, I got defensive but mostly kept if to myself. However, that is eating a hole in my sanity and I decided to express it here.

I looked bad because I had been up for 36 hours at that point, I was running on 7 hours of fitful sleep, I had worked the night before then showered before going to tutor one of my cousins. I then proceeded to keep busy the rest of the day (an also slightly late the rest of the day) and did not have time or energy to look decent nor did it seem particularly important because it was a miracle I was awake and pleasant to begin with. To be poked at by someone who does not know what it is like to be a girl, let alone work all night, was not something I had prepared myself to deal with. Also, when I do take the time to try to look okay, nobody cares! They don't notice. Instead, they just come up with something else that I'm not doing right and then harp on that for awhile. Plus, I'm not one of those innately pretty people nor do I know how to use make-up and stuff to make myself look like I might be beautiful. My job is not to be on Earth just to look good for some boy. I am a plain tomboy who takes the time to care for others instead of worrying about my appearances. I could look worse, but what you see is my effort to simply stay sane.

Praise the L-rd I was too tired to tell them all that. Instead, I simply told them that I looked worse before then shut my mouth and laughed along with them while "joking" that they hurt my feeling (yes, singular). It stings though. It brings back what kids have been saying since I was little. It also doesn't help that it was from a guy who I am sorta crushing on and another guy who I really like hanging out with because they are both super fun. This also makes me want to try harder, but then they'll tease me for getting dolled up. So, I came home, did my make-up in what was supposed to be a smokey eye, drank a beer and watched children's movies until I crashed on the couch.

It's a struggle to be somewhere between girl and guy, child and adult, country and city. I don't know where I belong. I was raised to focus on being smart instead of pretty. When I was a baby and people told my mom I was pretty, beautiful or cute, she would tell them I was smart, which she felt was/is more important. Now, I don't feel smart, or pretty. Now I'm just confused.

Love Stories and Princess Movies

Growing up I was never really shown the princess movies or love story movies. I was not read those types of books and I was mostly unaware of what normal girls are raised with as far as the fairy tale ending of life is concerned.








Instead, I grew up with toy trucks, remote control cars, guns, Bible stories, Lincoln Logs, and dirt bikes. I was raised by a tom boy and my dad to be a very independent, strong-willed, surprisingly quiet-spirited tom boy.

Since I did not have a whole lot of exposure to these girly things, they hit me like a ton of bricks when I was about ten and I got a friend who was all sorts of girly. Goodness me!

At first it didn't seem to be a big deal. We had sleepovers just about every weekend. We watched movies, talked about boys, did our nails, and sometimes we fought. I was so unused to all of those things but they seemed normal because that's what I had seen on t.v.

As time has gone on, I have noticed a pattern within myself after watching/reading these girly happily ever after stories. When I first begin watching them or reading the books, I will be happy. They make me feel good. Somehow, they give me "hope" that I will have a future filled with love and some sweet guy that sweeps me off my feet and life goes about merrily and everyone lives "happily ever after". Give me 2 weeks max of being okay with these types of books and movies and then cynicism hits hard. I start picking out the flaws in their plots. My eyes roll uncontrollably when the guy does something sweet or when life ends up just perfect for those stupid fictional characters while my friend's husband dies a week after their 2nd wedding anniversary or I get mad because nobody hit on me at a dance after I had worked so hard to look as pretty as I will ever get. About a week of that and I become flat out angry. 2-7 days after the angry phase and depression hits. Whether this is from the stories or from me now having to be in school and the sun staying in the sky for much shorter periods of time, I don't know. I just know that signs of the beginning of my depression spells are coming and they are hitting really hard and really fast.

Most of all, I think I did this to myself. I know I should not watch these movies and read these stories because I get like this every time. I figured I would "treat" myself over the summer so that I could read instead of sit on the couch and run out of Netflix binge opportunities because I have seen them all already... But I know how I get every time.

I always think, "maybe this will be the year that I can just leave the fiction in the fictional world and be able to separate if from my real-life." Every year I prove myself wrong. I start dreaming of guys and making my Pinterest boards of my fantasy wedding and dates that I would like to go on, but they don't come.

I did however start to develop my first crush since Country Boy died and I broke up with Best Friend (although that still doesn't seem totally real to me). This crush can't last though. I'm too old for him and I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm a ditz. Mostly because I am... But I'm really smart! I promise!!! My brain just completely shuts off when I don't have to be constantly thinking and then my brain doesn't shut my mouth off so I just say the dumbest things and can't stop. It's really embarrassing, especially in front of country boys because I'm not some city girl but I wasn't raised in the country either. I say I was raised country in the city, but that just means I don't belong in either place. Like the not Jewish but not really Christian thing because I'm Messianic. Or the not fully girl because I act like a boy but I have those two darn X chromosomes instead of an X and a Y.

I think I'm having a mild identity crisis along with my worsening depression symptoms... Good news I am doing my mental health rotation this semester. Also, I have learned that I should have been hospitalized several times due to my symptoms and behaviors but I'm super good at hiding stuff so nobody was able to do anything to help me. Praise the L-rd for allowing me to live through what legitimately should have killed me. I'm finding my way back to him but life is getting even harder and I didn't think that would be possible after losing my brother (to him being stupid and moving out), me breaking my best friend, and then my friend killing himself. So, I keep saying the same things over and over here but nothing changes. I keep telling people I'm "good" or "fine" but that's because I don't want to burden them or make them worry. I lie but I got myself into this hole.

Saw this video on Facebook the other day and it's actually a really decent depiction of some of the struggles depression causes. So, if you have a spare moment, go ahead and watch this: Depression Video.

IT on pause

Today was my last day working my IT job for the summer and possibly forever. It is so surreal that I have finished my second year of college (well, one more final tomorrow) and I am finished with one school-year of working as an IT person. Not quite sure if it is good or bad yet, we shall see.

In light of it being my last day, I would like to tell y'all a funny story. Well, it's kinda funny... for me...

One of my friends that works IT with me asked me to a party this Friday. He was telling me how great it would be and it's all in his apartment complex. I said "no" just flat out. There was a smile on my face but I told him no. He and his friend continued on about how fun it would be and yada, yada, yada. Then he asked if I was single. He has a girlfriend so he wasn't asking for himself. Turns out he has a friend who is Messianic who was going to be at the party and my friend was absolutely convinced I needed to go so that I could possibly meet this fellow. I told them no because I am ridiculously awkward and I was planning on getting my tongue pierced so I would be unable to speak. Then they tried for 10 minutes trying to convince me that I am not awkward because I wear cowboy boots to school and they don't know anybody in cowboy boots that are awkward... Yikes, these boys just haven't spent enough time with me. That and they are both really charismatic which means they could have a conversation with a rock and the rock would talk back and none of the conversation would be awkward.

My mom laughed at that story for like 5 minutes...

Happy Finals Week everyone. Finish strong! I believe in you.

A Wedding Typically Requires Dating...

My mom informed me that she has found a second-hand wedding dress store in the city. She is wedding dress shopping for me. The girl who is slightly broken in the relationship and development areas of life. I believe G-d works miracles and me getting married would be pretty darn close to Him parting the sea for Moses...

Maybe I'll get married to the family friend she is trying to set me up with. Haha, I shouldn't be so cynical but it's a pretty solid coping mechanism for me so far.

Mom: My Matchmaker

Do any of you have moms, dads, family members, or friends who are always trying to set you up with someone?

I'm reminded of Gru in Despicable Me 2 because that blonde lady is constantly finding him ladies to date. She and the ladies she sets him up with are certifiably insane. They are just a bit cooky. Granted, it's a children's cartoon movie. However, people really do act like that...

Anywho, my mom knows how I despise being told that I need some boy so that I can be happy. She gets it. She is actually where I get my feminist streak from and I'm even a bit more feminist than she ever was. My immediate family (including mom) all understands and agrees that setting people up to date or get married is risky business because it can end very, very badly. When that happens, liability defaults to you because you introduced them and essentially screwed up their lives.

Today on the phone, my mom was consoling me about clinicals, my brother yelling at me, me seeing a deer get hit by a car, and the millions of other nonsensical things that are floating around in my noggin on a daily basis. During this point of assisting me to sort out life she began talking about her life, work, etc to try to distract me because tears were pouring and my voice went up about 7 octaves. We started talking about some family friends that she met at a bakery that they own. She began with the phrase, "Now, I'm not trying to set you up but..."

YOU NEVER START A CONVERSATION LIKE THIS.          EVER!!!

Got it? Good.

She continued on about how one of the sons is a lot like me. She said we both like the country, the mountains, shooting, fishing, camping, hunting (I have yet to go but think I would like to try it at least once), road trips, and a bunch of other stuff. He is described as being someone who is very dedicated to becoming an engineer. He is kind, a very hard worker, sweet, a good protector, and a plethora of other adjectives. I have met him. I agree that he is so very kind, sweet, dedicated, etc, etc, etc. Everything about him seems great and his family is amazing. Plus, he understands cars, restores old Volkswagens, and I think he is a Believer (though not likely Messianic). He sounds amazing and I bet he is a great friend.

The whole conversation, though, caught me off guard. I was telling her about the after shocks of my break up, and she pops this little bundle of anxiety into my lap without a second thought.

She knows how crazy I am because I share the most of my mental processes with her and yet she still proposes this kid as... a friend? potential suitor? something else?

I have no idea what possessed her to bring that up. She has never done anything like that in the past and she typically doesn't think like that anyway. It actually made me feel like a family shunned spinster because her tone made the conversation sound like it was an intervention to get me in a relationship before my biological clock runs out of time. Actually, it's making my head spin just a little bit thinking about it. I already broke Best Friend. How on earth am I ever supposed to start another relationship. Honestly, I don't like the whole dating thing and I'm certain I didn't even do it right the first time because it was really just a differently labeled friendship. Regardless, it has made me consider swearing off guys almost indefinitely. I was nearly nun status. Problem is: I am lonely, I would like offspring, and it would be super if I could find someone (preferably a guy close to my own age who isn't afraid to tell me to "suck it up" if I start to get a bit scare) to take me hunting that I feel safe with. Country Boy offered to take me but he's got a cabin and I've been told he does naughty stuff with girls.

For now, I am asking for strength and contentment in my single state. I didn't want a dating record at all, and now I have one. Regardless, I would like to avoid adding unnecessary names to that list because I break them and they break me and dating is really stupid, overrated, and has high stakes with no way of knowing what will happen.

Shiftin' Gears

I'm going to start with a confession. Several really, but the main one is that I like to shift really fast in my manual car when I am stressed. For some reason it helps me blow off some steam. I don't go fast enough that I get a "fast driving award" (my uncle's name for a speeding ticket), I just shift faster than all of the automatic cars next to me and I feel like a boss!

So, coming home from my parent's house yesterday, I was frustrated because I had been on the highway for about an hour in traffic, then I got stuck behind some joker who decided to go 10 mph under the speed limit and then just had to get off on MY exit. Yes, I know how selfish and irrational that is, but don't tell me you don't have them thoughts too! Anywho, we were then both turning left. Fortunately, there were two separate turning lanes. I get past them just to meet them again at another red light. L-rd, what are you doing to me? I'm just trying to get home so that I can change to get to church on time!!! As my blood started boiling at this silly red light, I crank up the tunes and get ready for green. When that green light came I was first through the intersection until some little blue car that looked like it was actually supposed to be able to go that fast passed me up. We were so far in front of anyone else that it didn't matter anymore and so I got up to speed and just kept driving as normal. Awhile later I needed into the lane they were in. I noticed that they slowed from their racing pace and the passenger was waving out of the moon roof. I figured they were waving at the car next to them, so I didn't think anything of it when they stuck their arm out the window and brought it back in about 4 times. When I got to my turn off, they slowed their car, got next to mine and rolled down the passenger window! Oh my gosh! I don't know what they were doing, but they were some cute guys and I'm hopin' they were surprised that it was a girl in a redneck lookin' SUV shiftin' as smooth and as quick as I was. I don't know about flirting in any capacity, but they way that guy was lookin' at me, I'm thinkin' he may have been flirt-waving at me... They may have also been waving at me because they beat me. I don't know.

Anyway, I am hoping it was the first reason because it made me feel pretty darn cool that my little car almost beat their actual racing car and then they realized that I'm a girl. I didn't wave back because I was so shocked, but I gave the guy riding shotgun a bit of a smile.

I can't believe I almost forgot to tell y'all that story!

Another confession is that it made me feel pretty good after my break up. This whole relationship has made me feel so unstable. I knew I have chronic depression, severe anxiety, and possibly some other psychological problems and I knew that that was something I would need to work on before I ever started anything with anyone, regardless of how well they knew me beforehand. Along with everything else that I ignored about a month and a half ago, I ignored that. So, when I was strapped into this roller-coaster with another human, I realized how nuts I actually am instead of being able to down-play it the way I normally do. Now that we've broken up, and even during our time "together," I was wondering if I would ever be able to have an actual relationship that leads to a marriage and the rest of my life spent with someone. I still don't know if that is possible, but I am still highly unnerved because I learned so much about myself and it's not good stuff. I never realized how selfish, unstable, weird, nerdy, selfish, quirky, difficult, selfish, lonely, independent, selfish, judgmental, hypocritical, selfish, and ridiculous I am. Yes, I threw selfish in there several times, but even that is a conservative estimate of how selfish I actually am. Those are also just the easy examples that come to mind right now, there is a laundry list of thousands of terrible personality traits I discovered about myself. It's been a rough month and a half. Good news, though, I was wondering if G-d had been telling me to get rid of my kissing policy, turns out He hasn't. So, I am so glad that I didn't do that in this relationship. He was just being quite to see what I would do... I don't like it when He does that...

Liar Liar

This Valentine's Day, my best friend presented me with a teddy bear and a rose. He had asked me out in the past (about a year prior) and I told him we would have to wait to reassess upon our graduation from college. I made the foolish decision to throw that rule out the window and we decided to "try this thing out."

Big mistake.

I saw that we wouldn't work as anything more than friends since before he asked me out last year. I ignored that. Our faith is different. I ignored that. Everything that works as opposites for friends but causes huge problems in a deeper relationship, I ignored.

So, about a month and a half after this thing started, I ended it.

The worst feeling for me is the feeling of disappointing someone I love. I love him but not in a romantic way, it's in a way that I can't even explain. I have never seen someone so hurt because of my actions. I knew that breaking up with someone would be hard, but I didn't realize in what capacity. It's rough guys. But at the same time, it is necessary in some instances if the relationship is against G-d's will.

If you are thinking of getting into a relationship, listen to G-d and your gut feelings. If it seems like a bad decision but your friends, family, and mentors talk you into it, ignore them. If someone has to talk you into it then it's likely not right to begin with.

For years everyone around me (and very few of them know each other) has been trying to talk me into getting into a relationship. For some reason, they feel that I would benefit from having a boyfriend. They have told me it would be fun, good experience, complimenting to my personality, etc. They lied.

For me: having a boyfriend was not fun, it was an increased amount of stress, anxiety attacks, and worsened depression; the good experience part was not entirely false, but it was experience of how selfish I am and how to hurt my closest friend; our personalities complimented each other when we were friends, but in a relationship of this magnitude we were toxic to each other.

They lied. I was foolish. Life sucked because I was outside of G-d's instruction. Also, I feel like a freakin' psycho path because I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would after the break up. 1) He was so stinkin' sweet and said he just needed time, but that we would be friends again. 2) I felt bad that I disappointed him, but I also felt free for the first time in a long time. Shouldn't break ups hurt both people equally? Shouldn't I be incapacitated with grief? Shouldn't I have shed some tears for the friend that I broke?

Good news: I learned to not listen to anyone who tells me to go against what I know G-d has put on my heart, not even my mom or G-dly mentors. We never kissed, even though I was considering it. I learned how selfish I am and I now understand why G-d didn't give me a boyfriend every time I asked Him for one (especially the ones I asked Him for.) I am learning to talk about the hard stuff in life that I'm used to brushing under the rug and ignoring until it goes away. I can hear G-d again when I wasn't able to for several months before and during this whole thing happened. I also learned that no matter how strong the friendship, that won't necessarily make a good relationship. However, if you are friends before the relationship it is more likely that you can be friends afterwards. The friendship will probably change, and not likely in the best way, but you will not necessarily have an enemy. They are also more likely to be understanding as to why you broke up.

For now, I am self medicating with children's movies, work, some Chick-fil-a, and a touch of cookie dough. That day keeps playing over and over in my head and I want to talk to my best friend but he's the one I broke. So, isolation is setting in but at the same time I feel relieved that it's over. I'm taking my hurt to G-d and asking G-d to heal my friend who is hurting much worse than I am. I successfully ruined both of our spring breaks and I changed our friendship forever (or at least the foreseeable future.)

My advice is that you don't jump into anything too rashly. Listen to what G-d is telling you and actually do it. Know that not every friendship is conducive to a romantic (YUCK! I regretted this word choice as I was typing it, but it is what it is.)

I have a Valentine

For my whole life, my family has been my Valentine. That was, until about 3 years ago when we stopped celebrating the day. So today was literally just another day for me. Never did I expect to have a Valentine.

Well, I'm sure you can guess that I did in fact get something today. Last night my best friend texted me asking if I would go with him to pick up some concert tickets. No big deal, it's normal for us to haul each other around town doing errands and such. So, I went along with it. I had a tiny idea that he may try to do something, but we didn't even talk about it being Valentine's Day, we just hung out.

We went and got tickets then drove to the other side of town to get my anxiety candies (literally candies, not pills). Then, we decided to continue the adventure and visit Bass Pro. The day was pretty normal, just the pair of us hangin' out, teasing each other, and just chillin'.

When he parked to drop me off, he had me open the glove box. I thought it was odd but I did it, not thinking anything else. Inside was a little stuffed bear. He then presented me with a single red rose and told me I was his "everything". He knows I'm not dating yet, but that was the sweetest thing I've ever gotten.

So that was my day... How was yours? I was expecting a much more cynical post today so feel free to share angry, sad, cynical, happy, anything.