Dear Best Friend,
I recently texted you after 3 months of not talking (my decision). The text was a looooooong apology. I apologized for mixed signals, not sticking to my boundaries, for not being a good friend when you've been so supportive in the past. I told you I have missed you and I have missed having my "best friend" around in a time of great need. The apologies were many, and long, and heartfelt.
What did you text back? You told me you didn't know what to say but that you've missed me too. Then, you gave me a rundown of your last 3 months of life.
I can appreciate that. I can understand wanting to move on and pretend like nothing happened. I get it, I'm not dumb. Plus, I know how guys work and how your brain works because I've studied guys and I know you. I've been around you and talking with you about the deep things of life for 5+ years. I figured you out. You tell me that all the time.
You then proceeded to make jokes and say "we should do it again" and referred to it as "a night of fun". That's when I went from disappointed that you didn't feel the need to acknowledge my pain from the apologies, to beyond angry and my blood went boiling. You had the nerve to shove it in my face that something that has caused me so much pain did, in fact, happen. And then you're going to minimize it and make me feel cheap by calling it a "night of fun" and say that we should "do it again" since we probably won't have a friendship the way we had before.
Fuck you.
I cried in your car. I have explained to you how much this hurt me. I have told you that I don't remember a cursed thing about that night and that I was upset with the decisions you made against my wished and my plans. And you want to make jokes at my expense and expect me to not be upset?!? No. No. No. No. NO.
I don't know why I feel the need to apologize over and over. I don't understand it myself. Probably some disfunction that I also feel the need to compulsively apologize for.
When you begin texting me, like nothing has changed, and I come up with the idea that we stop talking again, don't be surprised. Don't be upset, don't expect anything less. There's a good chance I'm just going to block you again without saying anything. I've tried the friends thing. I've tried to move on, and you make jokes at my expense. You ignored my boundaries. You continued to push me after I was already crying, hyperventilating, and freaking out. It was enough to even freak you out. You took advantage of someone who you knew was already hurting and who had been very clear. You broke my very fragile trust and then decided that I am not worth the dirt on your shoes. I mean nothing to you. I can take the hint.
Foolish me believed that you had my best interest in mind. I was dumb enough to believe that I could forgive and move past and that you would be sensitive to my hurting that I fucking spelled out for you.
Man alive, I'm such an idiot sometimes.
I hope you have a nice life.
Signed,
A girl trying to allow G-d to make Beauty from these Ashes
Showing posts with label apologize. Show all posts
Showing posts with label apologize. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
Friday, September 23, 2016
...And Closure
So I got the closure call today. He was really sweet and apologized for being insensitive and for wanting the relationship to move over my hurdles of: riding in a car with somebody, going to the movies, going over to his apartment (yes, with his roommates there), etc. These are things that most girls don't have such a difficult time with. I have understandable fears about these things, but it requires a guy to be extra patient with me, and I get that.
Well, he wanted me to come over to his place, he thought not riding in the same car was odd, but he complied without complaining to me, and he tried a couple times to go to the movies, but didn't push it too bad when I refused to. Sometime last week, he told me that he thinks that I just need to push past some of my fears of going over to a guys house, going to the movies, and riding with somebody. I got a little upset, but stayed true to my boundaries concerning those things because I went back on those things once and it turned out worse than the first tragedy. I can be made fun of all day long, but I think that it's about time that I start fighting for myself and what I know to be true and what I need to do/not do.
He had called saying he really missed me and wanted closure. I don't know if I gave that to him, but I stuck true to my desire to wait until I was at least a year past my anniversaries. I fought to get out of those shitty relationships of 2015, I am not done fighting for myself, and I will continue to advocate for what I need regardless of what others want. I am shocked that he ever apologized, I think it was really sweet and the things he did that gave me pause weren't on purpose. He's gone through some tough stuff too, so he was trying to help me "get over" my stuff the way he was able to work past his stuff. Thing is, 1) not everybody heals the same way, 2) my wounds are still fairly fresh, and 3) we went through different ordeals. In fact, they are very different. Still very real and very scarring, but we can agree that they are different.
So, on with my day I go, as a single lady in Small Town...
Well, he wanted me to come over to his place, he thought not riding in the same car was odd, but he complied without complaining to me, and he tried a couple times to go to the movies, but didn't push it too bad when I refused to. Sometime last week, he told me that he thinks that I just need to push past some of my fears of going over to a guys house, going to the movies, and riding with somebody. I got a little upset, but stayed true to my boundaries concerning those things because I went back on those things once and it turned out worse than the first tragedy. I can be made fun of all day long, but I think that it's about time that I start fighting for myself and what I know to be true and what I need to do/not do.
He had called saying he really missed me and wanted closure. I don't know if I gave that to him, but I stuck true to my desire to wait until I was at least a year past my anniversaries. I fought to get out of those shitty relationships of 2015, I am not done fighting for myself, and I will continue to advocate for what I need regardless of what others want. I am shocked that he ever apologized, I think it was really sweet and the things he did that gave me pause weren't on purpose. He's gone through some tough stuff too, so he was trying to help me "get over" my stuff the way he was able to work past his stuff. Thing is, 1) not everybody heals the same way, 2) my wounds are still fairly fresh, and 3) we went through different ordeals. In fact, they are very different. Still very real and very scarring, but we can agree that they are different.
So, on with my day I go, as a single lady in Small Town...
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Apologies
So, I ended up apologizing to Jersey. I just sent her an email.
Now, I apologized with making no excuses.
I told her I was sorry about the timing and I apologized for my tone. I told her I feel like the conversation was important to have, but that I was overly-assertive in my tone.
I don't feel like it will be received well, but I'm working on my end to reverse some of the damage. This will not, by any means, allow the friendship to be fixed. I'm over that and I won't do it. However, I want her to know that I am not simply doing things to piss her off or cause her harm.
This might open up a whole new can of worms, but I'm trying to ignore my pride and admit when I fuck up.
Yep, it's a hard one and I'm going to reap some consequences, but I hope that she understands that I was not trying to hurt her, I just needed to be heard if she feels that she needs to be heard.
I'm not even hoping to be able to sleep well tonight.
Somebody, take me out of my misery.
Now, I apologized with making no excuses.
I told her I was sorry about the timing and I apologized for my tone. I told her I feel like the conversation was important to have, but that I was overly-assertive in my tone.
I don't feel like it will be received well, but I'm working on my end to reverse some of the damage. This will not, by any means, allow the friendship to be fixed. I'm over that and I won't do it. However, I want her to know that I am not simply doing things to piss her off or cause her harm.
This might open up a whole new can of worms, but I'm trying to ignore my pride and admit when I fuck up.
Yep, it's a hard one and I'm going to reap some consequences, but I hope that she understands that I was not trying to hurt her, I just needed to be heard if she feels that she needs to be heard.
I'm not even hoping to be able to sleep well tonight.
Somebody, take me out of my misery.
Regrets and Learning
If y'all recall, I "broke up" with Jersey.
For the past couple of days I have been struggling with the decision because of her haunting words of, "karma is a bitch."
Today, class was a bit uncomfortable, but not as bad as it has been while waiting for her to come and attack me.
Tonight I went out with Millie and we got on the subject. Millie is in a clinical group with Jersey and I guess Jersey went to a simulation lab after our "break up" and was crying the whole time. She was venting to another classmate when Millie walked by them in the hall. She ended up staying and heard all that Jersey had to say. Jersey said she felt attacked, and then started listing off my many faults and why she felt I was being unreasonable.
This is understandable.
I agree that the timing was wrong. Thinking back on the situation, I should have probably scheduled it for a different time, but I don't know when else I could have done it and I can't fix that now.
Talking with Millie gave me no comfort. I still feel terrible. I feel like I somehow embodied everything that hurt me in Jersey's personality, my old Roommate, and the girls I lived with freshman year. I somehow turned into the mean girl that I have despised and worked so hard to get away from all these years.
I hate myself for that.
I keep second guessing myself and my decision. I feel like I am absolutely crazy and that I made a huge mistake. Regardless of how I try to rationalize it, I simply cannot fix the situation in my head and I feel really bad.
This brings me to a huge conundrum... In the future, do I ignore when friends are dumping on me, and turn the other cheek? In these relationships, the friendship usually ends up phasing out gradually as I go to less and less gatherings with them and do not talk with them as much. OR Do I continue to stand up for myself and leave a path of destruction, hurt feelings, and people in tears? This option allows me to have my thoughts and feelings heard, but I feel bad and I become more stressed than if I just let it ride and take the yelling.
I don't know whether to apologize or accept that she needed to hear what I had to say. People complain about these things behind her back a lot, but nobody every tells her these things. Granted, I do not like being assertive and I do not think that it works on me. It doesn't fit.
I had too many good days in a row. Today was decidedly a nice day, up until about 5 p.m. tonight when my brain decided to remind me that it was Country Boy's birthday. I shared a shot with him and then went out to drinks with Millie. Beauty ended up coming, too, but not until way later.
Thing is, I'm having a lot of troubles with Beauty lately. She continues to ignore my texts, though I don't text about complaints. When I text her, it's to invite her out or let her know that some assignment is due or to simply say something nice. She responds to maybe 1 out of every 5-10 that I send her. Meanwhile, she tells me that Lexi complains to her all the time about me. This means that they are probably hanging out quite a bit. That's good, they need to be able to hang out with friends. I'm just getting frustrated with the fact that I am being ignored, but I'm the first one to be called when there is something wrong and they are having troubles with their car, school, or life.
What would happen if I were to die? Would anyone miss me?
I'm not someone that anyone tries to go out of their way to hang out with, by I am on speed dial for literally any issue that arises.
It's okay to ignore me, but you better believe I am expected to respond to every text within a couple minutes of receiving it.
I'm just another body in a seat until someone has a question about what happened in class.
I'm just some girl that is expected to take a whole load of shit when someone is having a bad day. Heaven forbid I need to vent to anyone but my mom! I have to just take the dumping, with a smile on my face, then go about fixing all of the person's problems even if the problems weren't actually my fault to begin with.
If I were to die one night and didn't show up for class for a couple of days, would anyone notice? Would Beauty regret the texts she ignored? Would Jersey regret unloading all of her life frustrations on a friend who she knew was fresh out of a break-up and had been recently traumatized? What would Millie do? How would my friends from the Farm Store that I worked at as a first job respond? Would any of the girls that I went to elementary school even think twice if my name were in an obituary? Would my seat simply be an open seat in the back, or would it then be looked upon with any flicker of sadness?
Would anyone even notice?
How would I be remembered?
Would it be for the awkwardness I show everyday? For my clumsiness? My traumatic couple of years? How I have pissed people of left and right through college? For the struggles I talked about with my couple of people who sat next to me? For being the "quiet" girl in clinical?
Would I be remembered at all?
For the past couple of days I have been struggling with the decision because of her haunting words of, "karma is a bitch."
Today, class was a bit uncomfortable, but not as bad as it has been while waiting for her to come and attack me.
Tonight I went out with Millie and we got on the subject. Millie is in a clinical group with Jersey and I guess Jersey went to a simulation lab after our "break up" and was crying the whole time. She was venting to another classmate when Millie walked by them in the hall. She ended up staying and heard all that Jersey had to say. Jersey said she felt attacked, and then started listing off my many faults and why she felt I was being unreasonable.
This is understandable.
I agree that the timing was wrong. Thinking back on the situation, I should have probably scheduled it for a different time, but I don't know when else I could have done it and I can't fix that now.
Talking with Millie gave me no comfort. I still feel terrible. I feel like I somehow embodied everything that hurt me in Jersey's personality, my old Roommate, and the girls I lived with freshman year. I somehow turned into the mean girl that I have despised and worked so hard to get away from all these years.
I hate myself for that.
I keep second guessing myself and my decision. I feel like I am absolutely crazy and that I made a huge mistake. Regardless of how I try to rationalize it, I simply cannot fix the situation in my head and I feel really bad.
This brings me to a huge conundrum... In the future, do I ignore when friends are dumping on me, and turn the other cheek? In these relationships, the friendship usually ends up phasing out gradually as I go to less and less gatherings with them and do not talk with them as much. OR Do I continue to stand up for myself and leave a path of destruction, hurt feelings, and people in tears? This option allows me to have my thoughts and feelings heard, but I feel bad and I become more stressed than if I just let it ride and take the yelling.
I don't know whether to apologize or accept that she needed to hear what I had to say. People complain about these things behind her back a lot, but nobody every tells her these things. Granted, I do not like being assertive and I do not think that it works on me. It doesn't fit.
I had too many good days in a row. Today was decidedly a nice day, up until about 5 p.m. tonight when my brain decided to remind me that it was Country Boy's birthday. I shared a shot with him and then went out to drinks with Millie. Beauty ended up coming, too, but not until way later.
Thing is, I'm having a lot of troubles with Beauty lately. She continues to ignore my texts, though I don't text about complaints. When I text her, it's to invite her out or let her know that some assignment is due or to simply say something nice. She responds to maybe 1 out of every 5-10 that I send her. Meanwhile, she tells me that Lexi complains to her all the time about me. This means that they are probably hanging out quite a bit. That's good, they need to be able to hang out with friends. I'm just getting frustrated with the fact that I am being ignored, but I'm the first one to be called when there is something wrong and they are having troubles with their car, school, or life.
What would happen if I were to die? Would anyone miss me?
I'm not someone that anyone tries to go out of their way to hang out with, by I am on speed dial for literally any issue that arises.
It's okay to ignore me, but you better believe I am expected to respond to every text within a couple minutes of receiving it.
I'm just another body in a seat until someone has a question about what happened in class.
I'm just some girl that is expected to take a whole load of shit when someone is having a bad day. Heaven forbid I need to vent to anyone but my mom! I have to just take the dumping, with a smile on my face, then go about fixing all of the person's problems even if the problems weren't actually my fault to begin with.
If I were to die one night and didn't show up for class for a couple of days, would anyone notice? Would Beauty regret the texts she ignored? Would Jersey regret unloading all of her life frustrations on a friend who she knew was fresh out of a break-up and had been recently traumatized? What would Millie do? How would my friends from the Farm Store that I worked at as a first job respond? Would any of the girls that I went to elementary school even think twice if my name were in an obituary? Would my seat simply be an open seat in the back, or would it then be looked upon with any flicker of sadness?
Would anyone even notice?
How would I be remembered?
Would it be for the awkwardness I show everyday? For my clumsiness? My traumatic couple of years? How I have pissed people of left and right through college? For the struggles I talked about with my couple of people who sat next to me? For being the "quiet" girl in clinical?
Would I be remembered at all?
Friday, January 29, 2016
A Little Bit Stronger
This is a song title by Sara Evans about her journey towards getting to the downhill point of a break up. She is finally getting out of bed and getting ready so that she can go get on with her "normal" life. Well, this kind of describes me, but I am getting stronger. Thank you Nurse Dee for pointing it out to me in the comment I got to read today!
So do you guys remember how I had a friend go off on me after class last week in person and over text because I'm a bad friend? Well, she asked me to hang out this weekend. I was giving her short answers because I didn't want to talk, especially not to particular people at that moment. Well, she called me out for being short with her and asked if I was okay and if we were "okay". I think she presently regrets asking that...
I proceeded to ask her if she has gone to Beauty about what I was lectured on because she kept saying she was bothered by Beauty and I. So, why would she not go to Beauty and instead take it out on me? I explained that I understand where she was coming from, but that I felt like I was getting kicked while I was down because I'm going through really personal stuff right now. I told her that I try my best to put aside my own problems to be able to "be there" for friends when they are lonely, hurt, happy, or whatever else may come up, but that I need to focus on me right now. Work is also something that I had to plan in the equation and so even though she makes plans, that doesn't mean I can always shift everything around in order to hang out with people. My side was not heard or solicited and I felt completely attacked when I hadn't been deserving of that because I work really hard to be a good friend but I was getting picked on for missing one or two events she planned.
I got 5 novel length texts in response explaining to me why I was the target of this explosion. There was a "sorry, but..." which means that the apology is not legitimately an apology. She is saying sorry because she thinks that's what I want to hear, but she isn't really sorry for what she did. She's sorry that I called her out on being so rude to someone who is not really surviving right now. She's sorry I'm upset and don't want to hang out with her for awhile or maybe ever. She's sorry that she is stressed now because I'm not going to continue to back down to her the way I have for her and many of my other friends in the past. I'm over it.
I told her I forgive her, but that I need some time because I'm really hurt. I don't say "it's okay" when others apologize because what she did wasn't okay. However, I feel like telling her that I "forgive her but that I'm still hurt and need time for me" shows her that I'm not holding a grudge, what she did wasn't okay, and I now need to heal from the damage she caused.
I explained that Beauty invited me to the mall because she knew I was having a hard day and probably needed to vent and process things out loud with someone while also having a distraction available if need be. I told her I didn't want to talk about my troubles (because she is usually one to try to dig for the scoop) and that she also knows more than most people in my life (by accident... but she doesn't know it was an accident).
She concluded by telling me she doesn't believe I actually forgave her.
Well, okay. I really did forgive her. That's why I'm happier and lighter right now. I'm not stressing because this shit is on her now. I spoke my peace. I let her know she hurt me and that what she did was absolutely not okay, especially to someone in my current shoes, even though she only knows about exboyfriend and has no idea what exfiance did to me. She does know, however, fiance and I broke up. Even if a friend was going through just a simple break up, you give them SPACE!!!
C'MON PEOPLE! This is a common sense thing. Why do people think that common courtesy goes out the window when it comes to ME going through things?
Is it because I don't act all down and depressed when I'm with friends? Am I not being dramatic enough? Do they expect me to talk about everything and tell the whole world the deeply painful and incredibly intimate details of my completely broken life? What the fuck do these people want from me?
I deal with things privately and put on a face, as best I can, when I go out in public. That was how I was raised and it suits me well because I don't like people in my business. My friends may see that I'm slightly less enthusiastic and more reserved, but they don't understand me at all. They don't know that I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and that my focus and counseling homework right now is just to drink water and make sure I eat every day. In fact, they don't know I'm in counseling. Not knowing the details of my life is not their fault, I choose to keep these things to myself. It makes life easier for me, believe it or not.
Regardless, you just don't treat people the way I have been treated, despite whether they are going through anything difficult in life or not. Really, that is the basis of my frustration. Even though this friend doesn't know my full story, she does know that exboyfriend messed me up really bad and she knows he raped me. So, yelling at me for hours and hours is inexcusable. Plus, she told me she went off on me even though she's frustrated with Beauty. Again, NOT MY FUCKING FAULT! Take up your frustrations with her or figure out some other way to deal with your own shit. You don't dump it on your friend who is moments from death at every turn she takes in life.
Yes, I forgave her, but I don't have to keep her close just because I forgave her. Forgiveness sets me free (the person who was hurt) way more than it sets the offender (the friend) free.
I forgave exboyfriend. That doesn't mean you will ever see me hang out with him, but I am free from the burden on holding a grudge against him because I am letting that go so that G-d can deal with him however He sees fit. I forgave exfiance. That doesn't mean I am going to get back together with him. I forgave Country Boy. He's dead so that was also mostly for me. I forgave Roommate from last year from her and her family attacking me. I forgave my freshman year dorm roommates. I forgive lots of people. However, you will not see me with many of these people because they are toxic leeches on the tapestry of my life. Recently, my tapestry seems to be imploding and spontaneously combusting, but you still won't see them coming along in my story any longer.
This friend has met the end of her role in my story. I will still be nice to her, but I'm over bending over backwards to make sure she is happy with her social life when my physical body is riding the line between shutting down and creeping along.
Yet, the end of the story of the aforementioned people brings in a new freshness, excitement, joy, and freedom in my life. I feel like my story is beginning a new chapter. Between "telling" this friend off and telling exfiance to back off and leave me alone for the final time (hopefully) today. I'm all about trying to create boundaries. I've also sternly discussed my struggle with my brother and dad not making me priority in any way in their lives while I'm expected to drop everything for them and also listen to their incredibly long lectures about how I suck. All of these people have something in common: they all dump on me for what they get frustrated with in their relationships with other people in their life. They all take it out on me. Guess what! I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! That, my friends, is glorious. Explaining this to my friend, Dad, Brother, and exfiance is just the first baby step towards better, stronger, actually existing boundaries in my life.
I started reading Boudaries, by the way.
I'm so excited to tell my Counselor on Tuesday about everything that I've been doing this week! My homework was to drink more water, continue to eat, and take it easy because of my lack of sleep. We discussed how frustrated I got when my friend went off on me. I discussed what I had wanted to say and she asked why I didn't tell her those things. Well, it wasn't even my homework but I told her those things!!! It was completely with the help of my new Roomie. She proofread my texts to make sure I was being as objective as possible and also to make sure I was being clear enough and not beating around the bush. Yay New Roomie!
YAY ME!!!!! I have been eating better, drinking way more water, sleeping slightly better... kinda... sometimes... and I told people when they hurt me (which was a bonus).
So do you guys remember how I had a friend go off on me after class last week in person and over text because I'm a bad friend? Well, she asked me to hang out this weekend. I was giving her short answers because I didn't want to talk, especially not to particular people at that moment. Well, she called me out for being short with her and asked if I was okay and if we were "okay". I think she presently regrets asking that...
I proceeded to ask her if she has gone to Beauty about what I was lectured on because she kept saying she was bothered by Beauty and I. So, why would she not go to Beauty and instead take it out on me? I explained that I understand where she was coming from, but that I felt like I was getting kicked while I was down because I'm going through really personal stuff right now. I told her that I try my best to put aside my own problems to be able to "be there" for friends when they are lonely, hurt, happy, or whatever else may come up, but that I need to focus on me right now. Work is also something that I had to plan in the equation and so even though she makes plans, that doesn't mean I can always shift everything around in order to hang out with people. My side was not heard or solicited and I felt completely attacked when I hadn't been deserving of that because I work really hard to be a good friend but I was getting picked on for missing one or two events she planned.
I got 5 novel length texts in response explaining to me why I was the target of this explosion. There was a "sorry, but..." which means that the apology is not legitimately an apology. She is saying sorry because she thinks that's what I want to hear, but she isn't really sorry for what she did. She's sorry that I called her out on being so rude to someone who is not really surviving right now. She's sorry I'm upset and don't want to hang out with her for awhile or maybe ever. She's sorry that she is stressed now because I'm not going to continue to back down to her the way I have for her and many of my other friends in the past. I'm over it.
I told her I forgive her, but that I need some time because I'm really hurt. I don't say "it's okay" when others apologize because what she did wasn't okay. However, I feel like telling her that I "forgive her but that I'm still hurt and need time for me" shows her that I'm not holding a grudge, what she did wasn't okay, and I now need to heal from the damage she caused.
I explained that Beauty invited me to the mall because she knew I was having a hard day and probably needed to vent and process things out loud with someone while also having a distraction available if need be. I told her I didn't want to talk about my troubles (because she is usually one to try to dig for the scoop) and that she also knows more than most people in my life (by accident... but she doesn't know it was an accident).
She concluded by telling me she doesn't believe I actually forgave her.
Well, okay. I really did forgive her. That's why I'm happier and lighter right now. I'm not stressing because this shit is on her now. I spoke my peace. I let her know she hurt me and that what she did was absolutely not okay, especially to someone in my current shoes, even though she only knows about exboyfriend and has no idea what exfiance did to me. She does know, however, fiance and I broke up. Even if a friend was going through just a simple break up, you give them SPACE!!!
C'MON PEOPLE! This is a common sense thing. Why do people think that common courtesy goes out the window when it comes to ME going through things?
Is it because I don't act all down and depressed when I'm with friends? Am I not being dramatic enough? Do they expect me to talk about everything and tell the whole world the deeply painful and incredibly intimate details of my completely broken life? What the fuck do these people want from me?
I deal with things privately and put on a face, as best I can, when I go out in public. That was how I was raised and it suits me well because I don't like people in my business. My friends may see that I'm slightly less enthusiastic and more reserved, but they don't understand me at all. They don't know that I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and that my focus and counseling homework right now is just to drink water and make sure I eat every day. In fact, they don't know I'm in counseling. Not knowing the details of my life is not their fault, I choose to keep these things to myself. It makes life easier for me, believe it or not.
Regardless, you just don't treat people the way I have been treated, despite whether they are going through anything difficult in life or not. Really, that is the basis of my frustration. Even though this friend doesn't know my full story, she does know that exboyfriend messed me up really bad and she knows he raped me. So, yelling at me for hours and hours is inexcusable. Plus, she told me she went off on me even though she's frustrated with Beauty. Again, NOT MY FUCKING FAULT! Take up your frustrations with her or figure out some other way to deal with your own shit. You don't dump it on your friend who is moments from death at every turn she takes in life.
Yes, I forgave her, but I don't have to keep her close just because I forgave her. Forgiveness sets me free (the person who was hurt) way more than it sets the offender (the friend) free.
I forgave exboyfriend. That doesn't mean you will ever see me hang out with him, but I am free from the burden on holding a grudge against him because I am letting that go so that G-d can deal with him however He sees fit. I forgave exfiance. That doesn't mean I am going to get back together with him. I forgave Country Boy. He's dead so that was also mostly for me. I forgave Roommate from last year from her and her family attacking me. I forgave my freshman year dorm roommates. I forgive lots of people. However, you will not see me with many of these people because they are toxic leeches on the tapestry of my life. Recently, my tapestry seems to be imploding and spontaneously combusting, but you still won't see them coming along in my story any longer.
This friend has met the end of her role in my story. I will still be nice to her, but I'm over bending over backwards to make sure she is happy with her social life when my physical body is riding the line between shutting down and creeping along.
Yet, the end of the story of the aforementioned people brings in a new freshness, excitement, joy, and freedom in my life. I feel like my story is beginning a new chapter. Between "telling" this friend off and telling exfiance to back off and leave me alone for the final time (hopefully) today. I'm all about trying to create boundaries. I've also sternly discussed my struggle with my brother and dad not making me priority in any way in their lives while I'm expected to drop everything for them and also listen to their incredibly long lectures about how I suck. All of these people have something in common: they all dump on me for what they get frustrated with in their relationships with other people in their life. They all take it out on me. Guess what! I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! That, my friends, is glorious. Explaining this to my friend, Dad, Brother, and exfiance is just the first baby step towards better, stronger, actually existing boundaries in my life.
I started reading Boudaries, by the way.
I'm so excited to tell my Counselor on Tuesday about everything that I've been doing this week! My homework was to drink more water, continue to eat, and take it easy because of my lack of sleep. We discussed how frustrated I got when my friend went off on me. I discussed what I had wanted to say and she asked why I didn't tell her those things. Well, it wasn't even my homework but I told her those things!!! It was completely with the help of my new Roomie. She proofread my texts to make sure I was being as objective as possible and also to make sure I was being clear enough and not beating around the bush. Yay New Roomie!
YAY ME!!!!! I have been eating better, drinking way more water, sleeping slightly better... kinda... sometimes... and I told people when they hurt me (which was a bonus).
Monday, January 12, 2015
Sweeter than Sweet Tea
I finally made it through my first real date! We were going to go bowling but we ended up doing that a few days early when he ended up being in town with his buddies and we made an impromptu trip because I was too young to be in the pool hall they were in when I showed up to hang out with him...
Instead, we decided to go hit up the local antique store. He is in the process of buying a house and he loves antique stuff because he really enjoys history. So fun! It took us about 2 hours to walk through the store. Then we decided we were hungry and he tried to take me out for a steak. Ha! I shot that idea down real quick and then he suggested Chick-fil-a. How did he know that was my favorite fast food place? I have no clue because I never told him! Anyway, we went there and then went to walk around a really fancy hotel nearby. That probably took another hour and a half/two hours. We talked about all the hard, scary stuff as we walked around outside with the lights still up on the trees from the holidays. He grabbed my hand and I felt really comfortable around him. He was really sweet when I told him no kisses. He told me he respected that and kind of dug into my reasoning behind it but respected my choice and still wants to hang out with me! Who knew?
I told my parents about the date and then they started probing about him. When I told them he was buying a house they both said that it sounded like he "has his sh*t together." Haha, both of them said that and I talked to them separately on the phone and they didn't hear each other's conversations with me. (Please forgive the language but I was trying to convey the full weight of my patent's approval and could find no other way than to just quote them and try to make it a little safer.)
This guy is really sweet though and he even asked if he needed my dad's permission before we start the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. YES!!! That's what I was going for with Best Friend but he didn't understand what old school actually means, this new guy does. I still don't know what to call him but hopefully I'll find a name soon!
I just got a cold a couple of days ago so I'm going to go back to resting. Thank you for celebrating this exciting new phase in my life with me!
Instead, we decided to go hit up the local antique store. He is in the process of buying a house and he loves antique stuff because he really enjoys history. So fun! It took us about 2 hours to walk through the store. Then we decided we were hungry and he tried to take me out for a steak. Ha! I shot that idea down real quick and then he suggested Chick-fil-a. How did he know that was my favorite fast food place? I have no clue because I never told him! Anyway, we went there and then went to walk around a really fancy hotel nearby. That probably took another hour and a half/two hours. We talked about all the hard, scary stuff as we walked around outside with the lights still up on the trees from the holidays. He grabbed my hand and I felt really comfortable around him. He was really sweet when I told him no kisses. He told me he respected that and kind of dug into my reasoning behind it but respected my choice and still wants to hang out with me! Who knew?
I told my parents about the date and then they started probing about him. When I told them he was buying a house they both said that it sounded like he "has his sh*t together." Haha, both of them said that and I talked to them separately on the phone and they didn't hear each other's conversations with me. (Please forgive the language but I was trying to convey the full weight of my patent's approval and could find no other way than to just quote them and try to make it a little safer.)
This guy is really sweet though and he even asked if he needed my dad's permission before we start the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. YES!!! That's what I was going for with Best Friend but he didn't understand what old school actually means, this new guy does. I still don't know what to call him but hopefully I'll find a name soon!
I just got a cold a couple of days ago so I'm going to go back to resting. Thank you for celebrating this exciting new phase in my life with me!
Thursday, July 25, 2013
I Promised But...
Y'all, I promised I would try to not talk about boys so much because I pretty much rant and rave about the same things time and time again but goodness! These boys are driving me insane. My country boy doesn't text me for 2-3 weeks and I am finally over him and I'm not thinking about him so much. Then, I'm sittin' in micro just minding my business, and guess who I get a text from. Ya, that's right, it's country boy. The first thing that went through my head was anger. A few angry words, nothing too inappropriate, but nothing worth repeating. Then a glimmer of desire for a boyfriend swept through my consciousness. I quickly crashed to earth from my ridiculous dreams when I realized I was wasting my time.
What are these jokers thinking? You don't talk to me for weeks and then text me up out of the blue?
This brings me to a confession I really need to get off my chest. I am suddenly craving a boyfriend. This is really annoying. I can't even express how frustrating this is because I still cannot figure out how to control my thoughts...
Daily Thanksgiving: I made it through the day without freaking out at anyone and I am over country boy! It has been tested and I am very close to being certain that I am over him and the ideals I made up about him. Also, I didn't fall asleep during micro... I was very close to crashing but G-d allowed me to survive!
That was pretty much the extent of my day. How are you doing?
What are these jokers thinking? You don't talk to me for weeks and then text me up out of the blue?
This brings me to a confession I really need to get off my chest. I am suddenly craving a boyfriend. This is really annoying. I can't even express how frustrating this is because I still cannot figure out how to control my thoughts...
Daily Thanksgiving: I made it through the day without freaking out at anyone and I am over country boy! It has been tested and I am very close to being certain that I am over him and the ideals I made up about him. Also, I didn't fall asleep during micro... I was very close to crashing but G-d allowed me to survive!
That was pretty much the extent of my day. How are you doing?
Saturday, July 20, 2013
One of Those Days
Do you ever have those instances where you know what you want to say but you don't know how to say it? I know what I'm thinking and feeling (ugh! I dislike that word but it's the only one I can think of to fit this situation) but I don't know how to put it into words. I'm sure y'all are sick of reading about my boy problems and I promise I will try to cut back on those posts. Right now, however, it seems like I need to express myself with this whole situation but I don't know how to put into words everything that is within me. Please tell me I'm not the only one that has this happen to them! Maybe I just need to focus on school more and stop thinking about this because it's driving me nuts and you guys must me sick of reading about it. So, I propose that I don't talk about it much anymore. I will try my hardest to not make every post or every other post about these silly boys that are getting me all worked up because it's not doing anything to help the situation. Also, I know that this blog is for nursing students, CNA's, future midwifes, and anyone else interested in these types of conversations so I will try to keep my posts more along those lines instead of letting this be my personal diary. Maybe you can have a peek into my inner workings every once in awhile, but I wanted this blog to be for nursing students and the journey we go through because I didn't find a whole lot of blogs that really chronicled the events that I was curious about with regards to nursing school. Therefore, I am going to try to get back onto topic and stop this ridiculous ranting. I apologize to you all for putting you through that.
Today I met a nurse at the volunteer thing I went to. She works on the orthopedics floor at the hospital I got offered a job at, and she had some great stories and she was full of tons of information. She looked like she was probably in college, but she is a full-fledged RN and had been nursing for 5-8 years (I can't remember how long she had said she has been nursing for). She was very inspirational though because she moved here from several states away, bought her own house, is engaged, and is allowing her brother to live with her as he gets on his feet as a police officer. It's so nice to see someone so young who went the traditional school-job-marriage route, especially when so many people are discouraging that path for me. They want me to date, get married now, then finish my college, with or without children in the mix. But they want everything done right now. To tell you the truth, I wish I did have a boyfriend right now and I wish I had marriage in sight. Now, that is not the case and so I have to be grateful and trust that the L-rd has everything in my life worked out the way He needs it. Until then, I will hold off and be patient (as patient as I can be right now) and stick with my boring, traditional school-job-possibly marriage route that seems to be before me.
I also got to do some blood glucose tests today! The first time I did them I had to use an old-school lancet and that was no bueno! I stuck the girl who was teaching me 2-3 times and I felt so bad. Today, however, we had those nifty lancets that are spring loaded so you just press and the thing shoots out and sticks the victim. Golly, I love those things and getting to do blood tests is so exciting! I can't wait to learn I.V.'s in school. Something about blood fascinates me. G-d puts so much importance into blood in the Bible and in life and so to be able to see it and do stuff with it is so exciting! I can't wait to be a nurse. Then I get into class and I wonder why I am doing this at all... but days like this make me excited to be a nurse again. So, for the time being, I am super stoked to be starting actual nursing classes this fall with my friend from this last semester to help me through. L-rd willing, we will make it through to the end and be able to be pinned and we will become Registered Nurses with our Bachelor's degrees together.
Random thoughts: Yesterday I had micro class and lab, nothing new there. At the end of class, a strange thing happened though. A random lady came up to me with the scared, sunken in eyes look that people get when they are nervous. She asked me if she could ask me a personal question. I was nervous and immediately thought of everything I had done wrong in that class because she almost sounded like she was about to cuss me out for having done something wrong (which I didn't do anything but I'm always nervous and jumping to conclusions like that). She said she had overheard me say that I got into the nursing program at my university and she was wondering if I thought that a B would make it difficult for her to get into the program. Wow. I am so not used to people coming up to me and asking me for advise on anything! I gave her my opinion, my advice, and what I had heard from my school counselor and various others who had made it into the program and she went on her merry way with that answer. As I was walking to my car that night I started thinking about my acceptance. I have been so proud to be accepted over hundreds of other applicants and the fact that I made it into the program after my counselor had said that the first year was really hard and so many people drop out, I had pride because I showed her wrong and I got almost straight A's to boot! But then I began to wonder why I was proud. I didn't really do anything to get in. I slack off with school and then begin praying and scrambling to finish projects, papers, and to study for tests. So G-d does all of my schoolwork and He is the one to get me good grades. I did not study well for the HESI so G-d gave me another day to study and He gave me favor with the test when I did not know the answers. I did not do anything extraordinary to get into the program, G-d allowed the nursing school board to find favor with me to allow me into the program. Why am I proud? I have no right to be proud! I did not earn this acceptance into the nursing program. All of my accomplishments in life are really not mine at all. Everything I have, everything I have done (that is good) is because of G-d. He inspires me to do any good thing that I do. He is the one to provide good things for me in all aspects of life. I do not have anything to boast about except that G-d reigns supreme and He is Almighty. He provides everything good in my life. He protects me and He fixes my mistakes in life.
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d got me into the nursing program. He gave me a beautiful apartment and allowed me to be able to rent it with my brother this year. He gives us just enough that we do not go hungry, but He doesn't give us too much that we forget Him. He allowed me to have a very nice, relaxing day and I got some sun (and Vitamin D) while volunteering. He also gave me a little boost of encouragement through meeting the young nurse I met today.
Shabbat Shalom!
Today I met a nurse at the volunteer thing I went to. She works on the orthopedics floor at the hospital I got offered a job at, and she had some great stories and she was full of tons of information. She looked like she was probably in college, but she is a full-fledged RN and had been nursing for 5-8 years (I can't remember how long she had said she has been nursing for). She was very inspirational though because she moved here from several states away, bought her own house, is engaged, and is allowing her brother to live with her as he gets on his feet as a police officer. It's so nice to see someone so young who went the traditional school-job-marriage route, especially when so many people are discouraging that path for me. They want me to date, get married now, then finish my college, with or without children in the mix. But they want everything done right now. To tell you the truth, I wish I did have a boyfriend right now and I wish I had marriage in sight. Now, that is not the case and so I have to be grateful and trust that the L-rd has everything in my life worked out the way He needs it. Until then, I will hold off and be patient (as patient as I can be right now) and stick with my boring, traditional school-job-possibly marriage route that seems to be before me.
I also got to do some blood glucose tests today! The first time I did them I had to use an old-school lancet and that was no bueno! I stuck the girl who was teaching me 2-3 times and I felt so bad. Today, however, we had those nifty lancets that are spring loaded so you just press and the thing shoots out and sticks the victim. Golly, I love those things and getting to do blood tests is so exciting! I can't wait to learn I.V.'s in school. Something about blood fascinates me. G-d puts so much importance into blood in the Bible and in life and so to be able to see it and do stuff with it is so exciting! I can't wait to be a nurse. Then I get into class and I wonder why I am doing this at all... but days like this make me excited to be a nurse again. So, for the time being, I am super stoked to be starting actual nursing classes this fall with my friend from this last semester to help me through. L-rd willing, we will make it through to the end and be able to be pinned and we will become Registered Nurses with our Bachelor's degrees together.
Random thoughts: Yesterday I had micro class and lab, nothing new there. At the end of class, a strange thing happened though. A random lady came up to me with the scared, sunken in eyes look that people get when they are nervous. She asked me if she could ask me a personal question. I was nervous and immediately thought of everything I had done wrong in that class because she almost sounded like she was about to cuss me out for having done something wrong (which I didn't do anything but I'm always nervous and jumping to conclusions like that). She said she had overheard me say that I got into the nursing program at my university and she was wondering if I thought that a B would make it difficult for her to get into the program. Wow. I am so not used to people coming up to me and asking me for advise on anything! I gave her my opinion, my advice, and what I had heard from my school counselor and various others who had made it into the program and she went on her merry way with that answer. As I was walking to my car that night I started thinking about my acceptance. I have been so proud to be accepted over hundreds of other applicants and the fact that I made it into the program after my counselor had said that the first year was really hard and so many people drop out, I had pride because I showed her wrong and I got almost straight A's to boot! But then I began to wonder why I was proud. I didn't really do anything to get in. I slack off with school and then begin praying and scrambling to finish projects, papers, and to study for tests. So G-d does all of my schoolwork and He is the one to get me good grades. I did not study well for the HESI so G-d gave me another day to study and He gave me favor with the test when I did not know the answers. I did not do anything extraordinary to get into the program, G-d allowed the nursing school board to find favor with me to allow me into the program. Why am I proud? I have no right to be proud! I did not earn this acceptance into the nursing program. All of my accomplishments in life are really not mine at all. Everything I have, everything I have done (that is good) is because of G-d. He inspires me to do any good thing that I do. He is the one to provide good things for me in all aspects of life. I do not have anything to boast about except that G-d reigns supreme and He is Almighty. He provides everything good in my life. He protects me and He fixes my mistakes in life.
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d got me into the nursing program. He gave me a beautiful apartment and allowed me to be able to rent it with my brother this year. He gives us just enough that we do not go hungry, but He doesn't give us too much that we forget Him. He allowed me to have a very nice, relaxing day and I got some sun (and Vitamin D) while volunteering. He also gave me a little boost of encouragement through meeting the young nurse I met today.
Shabbat Shalom!
Friday, May 31, 2013
Out of Touch
I apologize to you all for being out of touch for so long. I am currently living with some friends in the country and I do not have access to internet until I come into town for class, which is only two nights a week.
So far, microbiology is a blast... I've only been through one class session and one lab though. Does it get tougher? My professor seems really smart and fairly, which is an excellent combination for me! I have already made friends in my class and in lab! It's crazy to think back to when I started college and my heart would race and I would get so anxious just seeing my school. Now, I am making pals in the first few minutes of being in class. Figuring out an entirely new, and very different campus, is very difficult though, let me tell you. I only got lost 4 times in the first 20 minutes of being here and I still don't know where to park. Fortunately, I had gotten to campus 3 hours before my class and wasn't late to lecture or lab.
I was talking with one of the ladies that I'm staying with though, and she asked why I didn't have a boyfriend. I explained it to her and she totally understood because her daughter has the same issue: we are focused exclusively on school right now. So, it was the first time that I had been reaffirmed-and not judged-for choosing to not be tethered to another human at this point in my life. What a breath of fresh air. Why do we even have to get married anyway? I know that it is all for reproducing, but is that the whole point of life? Surely this can't be it. It seems strange that life would simply occur just for people to get married, have children, and carry on human life. I know that we are here to give G-d glory, but I am still struggling with the purpose of everything. If we are just here to procreate, why go to school? School is only here to increase knowledge in order to give you a better chance of getting a job. You get a job to make money. You make money to support yourself and offspring (if you have them). So, what's the point of it all? Life is so simple, but in the midst of all this simplicity, everything gets so very complicated.
More to come later.
Daily Thanksgiving: I have wonderful friends to stay with. I enjoy my class and I am actually looking forward to all of the curriculum. The HESI is on Tuesday and so I am almost done stressing about getting into nursing school (for just a little bit).
So far, microbiology is a blast... I've only been through one class session and one lab though. Does it get tougher? My professor seems really smart and fairly, which is an excellent combination for me! I have already made friends in my class and in lab! It's crazy to think back to when I started college and my heart would race and I would get so anxious just seeing my school. Now, I am making pals in the first few minutes of being in class. Figuring out an entirely new, and very different campus, is very difficult though, let me tell you. I only got lost 4 times in the first 20 minutes of being here and I still don't know where to park. Fortunately, I had gotten to campus 3 hours before my class and wasn't late to lecture or lab.
I was talking with one of the ladies that I'm staying with though, and she asked why I didn't have a boyfriend. I explained it to her and she totally understood because her daughter has the same issue: we are focused exclusively on school right now. So, it was the first time that I had been reaffirmed-and not judged-for choosing to not be tethered to another human at this point in my life. What a breath of fresh air. Why do we even have to get married anyway? I know that it is all for reproducing, but is that the whole point of life? Surely this can't be it. It seems strange that life would simply occur just for people to get married, have children, and carry on human life. I know that we are here to give G-d glory, but I am still struggling with the purpose of everything. If we are just here to procreate, why go to school? School is only here to increase knowledge in order to give you a better chance of getting a job. You get a job to make money. You make money to support yourself and offspring (if you have them). So, what's the point of it all? Life is so simple, but in the midst of all this simplicity, everything gets so very complicated.
More to come later.
Daily Thanksgiving: I have wonderful friends to stay with. I enjoy my class and I am actually looking forward to all of the curriculum. The HESI is on Tuesday and so I am almost done stressing about getting into nursing school (for just a little bit).
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