Happy... Content... ???... as a Single

For a good chunk of the last decade, I have been wondering what it would be like to be in a relationship, and I had been desiring to be married. Recently, as in the past few days, I have realized that I am coming into my own skin as a single girl.

I went through 2, count them 2, relationships and both were in 2015. Well, there was this "trial run" with Best Friend, but I don't fully count that...

If you have read any of my posts, you would know that most of them are about the grieving process and healing after these terrible "relationships". Along with the struggles of the pieces left after I left my two boyfriends, you may see that I still struggle with the desire to be in a relationship, get married, and somehow find someone to love and have companionship in life.

Lately, however, I have been getting used to my time alone. I have friends at work, family to call when I'm lonely, and my alone time is fairly nice and something I often enjoy in the day or two directly after working.

Nearly a year after finding freedom from the evilness that engulfed my life for nearly a year, I am finding peace from being alone. There are moments where I am a bit lonely, but it is not nearly as difficult as it had been when I first moved to Small Town, away from my friends and family in Home State.

I can often remain happy, or at least content, until I am reminded of the girls who get the opportunity to marry a guy who treats them with respect and waits until marriage to sleep with her. I get sad that my reality is so very different.

Yet, I am grateful that I have strength to move somewhere that is several states away, by MYSELF. I have been through things, and with people, that should have and tried to kill me. I made it out of those things alive. I have a life, by myself, between living with my parents and making a future for myself. I know what it is like to be so very alone that I wander around a store, just to be around people. I also know what it is like to be able to depend on myself to make it in this world, in a world where my generation can't even get their own driver's license at the age of 21 without having their parents present, because their parents have done everything for them for the entirety of their lives. I am brave, and strong, and smart, and a survivor, and despite everything, the L-rd has allowed my heart to remain tender enough to cry with parents over the difficulty of their baby's condition. My heart aches for girls who have had to deal with my ex-boyfriends and the fact that these girls have lived a similar reality. My heart still breaks for people going through any type of tough situation, whether I have been through it or not.

I have learned that pride is something that is okay when done in the right way. I am so very proud and grateful for the way the L-rd has brought me through my traumas and difficult life circumstances. I still get upset and I'm still angry at what was done, but my heart has not hardened and I am presently content with my survival abilities up to this point.

For right now, I am okay being single and I feel that is an important milestone to be able to reach, for me.

Transitional Nursery Day

Today's post is happy. It's about my day in the "transitional nursery" for OB clinicals.

Well, I spent about an hour in the nursery where I watched one baby, did a couple assessments for the nurse because she couldn't leave said baby, and then I sent a UA down to the lab for a tox screen. That was it.

I then got called down to go to a C-section!!! The "baby nurse" that I was following around does not actually go to c-sections, they leave that for the NICU team, but she does attend vaginal deliveries. Since there wasn't really anything going on, my nurse called my instructor and asked if it would be okay if I went to the OR to watch. Yay! It doesn't matter how many births I see, I still love them all and I can't wait to be in a position where I may even be able to be a nurse in that setting.

Watched that, then followed the baby to the PACU where my nurse was chillin' and helped with the assessment, got to teach the dad of the baby how to put sweeties (sugar water) on his finger and let his baby suck it off to relieve the baby's pain as I gave shots! I loved that! He was so excited that she was sucking so strongly and he enjoyed getting to see what it feels like when baby is sucking on mom. Plus, he was able to soothe baby through painful procedures which made him feel like he was contributing to care instead of just a by-stander.

I'm excited about it because I talked to him like a Real Nurse would talk to a dad! I had all the confidence in the world, asked him to go wash his hands and taught him how to stimulate the baby's suck reflex. He asked what the little cup of liquid was and I told him they were sweeties. He asked what that was and I told him it's basically sugar water and it provides pain relief for the baby during painful procedures since babies are so sensitive to sugar. It was a short, clean response that he seemed satisfied with and I answered it nicely and I think that encouraged him to continue to ask questions! There was a new nurse training with my nurse and when she answered questions for him, he seemed like he felt a little bit offended like he was being talked down to.

Now, that might by my biased opinion because she talked down to me regularly, but maybe it wasn't. Learning point for when I'm a nurse though is answer kindly to all questions. I try my best to do that with colleagues, instructors, doctors (even when they're not nice), patients, and all people in all aspects of life (working, clinicals, and real life). I feel like people ask me a lot of questions and if I don't know the answer, I go research it. However, I generally have an idea when I am at the hospital, of what to say. Sometimes I ask my nurse to help answer so I can get better wording, but sometimes that's not even an option. I pray that people will feel comfortable to ask me questions when I am a nurse and I also pray that I have a general idea as to what the answer is.

Shortly after that baby was born and mom came back to the PACU too, my nurse got a call to go to a vaginal delivery! Yay! Another birth! There were actually two that were supposed to be happening back to back. While we were in with one baby and working on assessing that baby, the other baby was born a minute later. Goodness, it's like all three made sure to all come at once. Now that I think about it, that's how it usually happened when I was shadowing the past couple of summers too. Baby's must come in threes, or at least all at the same time just like old people die in threes... It's just a weird phenomenon that seems to happen on a regular basis.

Regardless, I got to see both of those births, help with 3 rounds of shots and eye ointment administration, and help with a baby's first bath. So exciting! Plus, I've seen about 4 full, head-to-toe newborn assessments and they've really helped me become more comfortable with them.

The other girls in my group are upset with the amount of things I've seen compared to them. Honestly, I've seen a lot but I feel like the L-rd is the One orchestrating all of these amazing opportunities to see things that I am really interested in. It seems like He's preparing me to work in this field. I also think He's giving me so many blessed days so that I can start to have happy days again.

I went to counseling yesterday and read to her my huge long laundry list of good things that happened since our last session two weeks ago (because of the snow day) and she told me I seemed so happy. She said she was proud of me for standing up for myself against Jersey, blocking exfiance, and she saw how excited and glad I was about such a fantastic first day at clinicals. G-d blessed me with all of the experiences I needed to be able to learn the life lessons my counselor is encouraging me through like standing up for myself with Jersey and other friends.

We had just talked about that and then G-d gave me the opportunity to fix it. We talked about coloring at counseling and I came home to my roomie giving me an "adult" coloring book as a belated Hanukkah present! We talked about me being more assertive this week and I ended up voicing my opinions, in a nice way, in order to make my needs known. I'm learning the lessons He wants me to learn. Yes, I'm way late on a lot of them, but I feel like He's working on me. Then, when He knows I'm at my wits end with life and I'm way too sad to go on, He gives me amazing days where I can't help but be in awe of how amazing He is for providing me with these experiences.

I hope these other girls in my group will get to see a bunch of great procedures and have a ton of experiences, I truly do because I know I get excited about it and maybe they would enjoy it too! However, I pray that the L-rd continues to bless me with getting to see so many incredible things and I pray He puts me in the right place, at the right time, with the right people in order to continue to have amazing days for the rest of my nursing school career. I pray these things for the rest of my life too!

Oh L-rd, put me in the right place, at the right time, with the right people to be able to live and experience and amazing rest of my life!

My official counseling homework assignments are:

1. Make a list of needs and wants that I have for my life, not caring what anyone else wants or thinks I need.
2. Figure out how to stop only surviving and begin thriving.

The first one, I can do. The list is probably going to be pretty long, but I think that makes a little bit of sense. I'll probably end up sharing it on here just so you guys can see it.

Now, for the second one, I don't even know where to begin or what it means. I know what it kinda means, but it's not like I got step-by-step instructions on how to get from survival mode to begin thriving. My counselor asked me to think of a time I was thriving. Thing is, I don't know that I ever have. Maybe freshman year of college or sophomore year before Country Boy died? Even then, I don't remember "thriving" except when I was maybe 2. Maybe. I don't know, whatever. I'll think about it.


Anyway, y'all have a wonderful day, or week. I keep posting each day or every other day so you'll probably hear from me soon.

Miraculous First Day of OB!!!

Guys, I had such a fantastic day today!!!

So, our first day was supposed to be yesterday, but there was a second snow day. Needless to say, my much needed counseling session was cancelled and rescheduled next Tuesday... It's going to be rough. I wanted a snow day, but only for Monday. I got so sad when counseling and my first day of OB clinical was cancelled! Oh no!!!

Regardless, when we showed up today, there was a super low census. They were sending nurses home left and right. There was only one woman laboring, less than a handful of women in Mom/Baby, and NICU has a short supply of babies. This is in a hospital known for having the busiest Labor Delivery/Mom Baby/NICU and all other woman related portion of the hospital in our half of the state. They fly and transport people to this hospital from several other states because they are a great hospital. So, to have such a low census and also request for students to be paired with nurses was not ideal at all.

As is typically the case, I was the odd man out. The other students were able to be put in their assigned area for the day. The other girl who was supposed to be with me in Mom/Baby ended up being able to make up her NICU day from yesterday. I wanted that to happen because she really wanted to go there and I've already been there the past couple of summers. Praise the L-rd! Anyway, I was the last one and it took about 20 minutes to even find a baby or patient for me to be able to see.

I ended up getting pulled into a circumcision! Yay! I have wanted to see one for a really long time and we had missed the one earlier today and that bummed me out. Naturally, I prayed about it. L-rd, can I please see a circumcision during my time here in OB clinicals. Then I didn't even give it another thought. Little did I know He was going to answer that prayer today! And not even 30-45 minutes after I had requested that in my heart. Praise you L-rd for answering even the smallest of prayers.

With that baby having to stay in the nursery for a couple hours, I got to also practice my newborn assessment and it was way easier than I expected. Granted, the baby had no abnormals and I had a nurse helping me assess and then chart the whole time. Check that off the list of stuff I am supposed to do for clinicals. Yay! Plus, the NNP that performed the circumcision was so sweet and her and the nurse assisting pulled me right in and explained everything they were doing. They were so incredibly sweet.

As I was sitting there charting the assessment, my instructor came in to check on me and saw there was nothing going on and the baby was fixin' to get discharged. "You want to see a placenta?" She asked. "Hell ya I do!" Of course, I didn't say those exact words, I just said "Ya!" but you know what I mean. So, I got to discover the placenta, look at all of the components of it, touch it (through gloves), and talk about some of the complications that can occur with the placenta. Then, after we talked about it and held it, she asked if I wanted to practice IV's. What kind of a question is that? Of course I do! So, I started two IV's on a placenta. No big deal. Just kidding, it's a HUGE deal!

Then we had dinner, since it's the evening clincal group. After dinner, I had nowhere to go. The baby I had watched got discharged. The unit I was supposed to be on had patients leaving and so they were down to 2-3 patients and didn't want a student. So my instructor set me up with a computer and asked me to research some points that I thought were interesting to share with the rest of the group. After brainstorming, I picked nursing interventions for babies withdrawing from alcohol after being born and nursing interventions related to STI's in pregnancy/L&D. I got through finding the info for withdrawal babies when my intructor busts into the room and says, "Hurry up and come with me! I might have found you a procedure to come and watch. It's not much, but it's better than research."

Well okay! Off we go RUNNING down the hall to get me changed into hospital scrubs so I can go into the OR. We get me all decked out in the funky hair net/hat thing, shoe booties, and greens (scrubs) and I am ushered into the OR.

My instructor was yelling from the door, "Hurry up! Take off your clothes! Throw these on! Let's go, let's go! I hear voices!!!" According to my friend in the same clinical group, it sounded hilarious from outside the locker room because my friend had no idea what was going on, she just heard my instructor telling me to hurry up and strip down. Oh goodness, that made for a funny post-conference.

Anyway, I got all dressed up and made it into the OR and stood there for about 15 minutes waiting for the patient and doc to get there. No big deal, I'm good at standing in corners looking awkward.

A lady came up to me randomly and asked, "So are you the nursing student?" I said I was. Then she started quizzing me on what to do in a certain situation and why. I answered, correctly according to her, but she gave further rationale and what interventions she did. Turns out, that was the doctor! I was floored because she was so nice. But wait, it gets so much better!

As they were prepping the patient, the doctor had me come closer to her, then literally pushed me closer to the patient and told me, "the only way you learn is if you get up real close and watch everything". She said it nice, the words are easy to mistake for not being said nice, though. Of course, I know that getting up closer will help me see, but we are taught to stay in the corner and try to see around the people who are actually trying to do their jobs.

Well, the OB got all geared up in sterile gown and gloves then turned to me and told me to go scrub in! WHAT?!? Am I allowed to do this? She must have been reading my mind because she asked the nurse (who was the patient's nurse and the charge for her section of the women's ward) and the nurse said it was totally fine. Off I go, all sorts of excited, and I scrub in really carefully, making sure I don't cause problems for the patient. I go in and they gown me up in sterile gown and gloves and talk me through everything! All of this to allow me to hold a retractor (this one looked like the bottom half of a speculum that was detached and the OR tech was holding the top portion so that I was able to see everything the doctor was doing). She kept stopping and moving to the side so that I could see the problem she was working on, her stitches, how to make sure the problem was fixed and everything! She talked me through it all and she was just absolutely amazing. I also got to watch as they intubated her and the doctor and anesthesiologist made sure I got to look down the patients throat to be able to see her "windpipes" when they were intubating the patient at the beginning. I had even mentioned that I wanted to become a midwife and the doctor asked, "A certified nurse midwife, right? Because you'd get clocked if you want to be a lay-midwife!"

Me: "Ya, a CNM."

Doc: "Okay, good!"

Haha, if I were to be a lay midwife I could have saved a lot of time and money and have been working for a few years already!

When the surgery finished and the patient was getting wheeled back, the doc encouraged me to follow the nurse and ask questions. I did, but mostly I just helped get the patient hooked up in PACU. The nurse seemed to like the help, maybe. I don't know. I get confused because I can't tell if students are a gigantic pain in their ass and just an extra thing to keep track of during the day, or if they actually like us being with them if we are able to help. Whatever. She and the anesthesiologist seemed pretty impressed that I was able to help hook the patient up, but I don't know why because I still don't know what I'm doing but I offered to hook up leads, hook up the BP cuff, take a temp, and talked with the patient as she came down off her anesthesia. Regardless, it was great.

When I walked back to the nurse's station, I ran into two of my classmate. They, and all of the other nurses, were asking me how it was and what happened and everyone was so excited to hear about what I had gotten to do. How did they hear all of this? I don't know!

From there I went straight to post conference, where I was late because of said surgery, and they stopped post-conference and had me tell them all about it because they had heard some of what happened!

How did they know??? Good heavens, it's like they knew about all of it before I even got to the hospital today!

Anyway, I told the story, keeping the scrubbing in part out in case I wasn't supposed to do that. Then my instructor added it in! I asked if I was in trouble and she said "Absolutely not! That is amazing that the doctor let you do that! Plus, doc so-and-so pulled me aside afterwards and she absolutely loves you!" I'm almost certain my jaw dropped and I got so excited and giddy I don't remember much else of post-conference.

I've been on cloud 9 ever since the circumcision and yet G-d keep blessing me more and more!

I absolutely loved that doctor. I loved the nurses and surgical techs I was able to work with. I am so incredibly grateful for this whole amazing adventure I had today. There were a lot of times, thinking back on today, that I could have been grumpy or upset because I had nowhere to go and no plan for me. Well, G-d had a plan. I did not get sad or upset or grumpy all day and He continued to bless me, time and time again. It's almost like it was a mini-testing season with amazing rewards that were given nearly immediately to me.

Today was the best day I've had in nearly a year or longer! The day after I was so bummed, discouraged, and sobbing (for 20-30 minutes last night), G-d blesses me with such an amazing experience as today was. I'm am blown away and so very humble at this moment.

Recap: circumcision, newborn assessment, placenta, IV's in placenta, dinner (unremarkable), research (slight bummer), and then getting pulled to go into a surgery, then... SCRUBBING IN TO SAID SURGERY!!! 

So incredible and such a blessing filled day. I'm in awe of the way G-d works in my life. I needed a booster and this was exactly what I needed. It shows I was right for fighting to stay in OB this semester, instead of pushing it off until next semester as was suggested in counseling. This is my passion, within my passion of nursing. This is where I feel I belong. This is where my heart is happy and I make sense in this world. I feel G-d made my heart to want to serve women in this season of their life.

Thank you L-rd for your many miracles and behind-the-scenes workings. Praise you L-rd for giving me joy in the midst of this long season of darkness.

Shameful Secrets

I regret to inform you guys that I like a Justin Bieber song... I swear, I listen to country and christian most times but I was hanging out at my Brother's job and he put on a song called "Love Yourself". I fell in love with the song because it's a decent message and reminded me of the break up with exfiance. I asked Brother who it was by and he dropped the news like the world was ending because he knew I would be upset by it. Regardless, it's a pretty solid song and I've listened to it about 900 times today.

I was helping Roomie cook supper and started playing it. When I play it then I feel the need to sing or hum along. I thought I was really being quiet but she said I have a good singing voice and it made me so happy! She teaches piano, knows how to sing on key (which I absolutely do not) and she learned guitar but doesn't like it because it hurts her fingers. I happen to like calluses on my fingers and so I'm still aspiring to learn piano and guitar and then maybe convince myself to get some singing lessons with someone... someday?... maybe...

I am happy today. It's been a really long time since I've been just okay and today I got the feeling back. I was supposed to be doing homework but my friend is a foster mom for a 10 week-old black lab puppy so I may have dropped by her house to assist in the foster parenting of the little guy. Oh my goodness, oxytocin overload! And it is absolutely wonderful. Oh, the friend is Big Red.

Big Red is really good at keeping her boundaries (which are very different from mine). She is great at speaking her mind, communicating, and also knowing how to say things so that they are clear but not really hard for the other person to accept. So, I had her ready the messages between the friend that was being not nice to me. Actually, let's name her because I keep talking about her. Ummm, let's call her Jersey.

Okay, so, Jersey is the friend who "yelled" at me in person and over text after the first day of class because Beauty and I went to the mall. I told you guys about the whole falling out/me finally standing up for myself thing that went down yesterday. As it goes with most drama in girl circles, as I am finding out recently, drama between two friends quickly gets discussed with all members of the group by al parties involved directly. From there, the outlying friends that get a take on the drama from the parties involved then attempt to play middle-man to decrease drama and attempt to save friendships. So, Beauty is trying to get Jersey to calm down and she is trying to tell me that Jersey is upset because I didn't tell her that yelling at me is okay when she "apologized". Side note, it's not an apology if you say "sorry, but..." I thought that would be common sense, but apologies aren't really something that people do anymore. I do, but I belong in the 1800's.

Anyway, Big Red read all of the messages to and from Jersey and I. I told her to be honest if I was being unreasonable, mean, a bitch, etc. I trust Big Red to be straight with me because she always is. She doesn't beat around the bush or candy coat it. She also has no problem calling people out when they are being weird or mean or anything.

After reading everything, she told me that I was okay and I worded my side tastefully, reasonably, and kindly. She told me Jersey is over-reacting and she supports my decision to cut Jersey from my immediate friend group. I'll still be nice to her and sit near her in class. Hell, I'll even invite her to stuff when I invite all of our friends. However, I will no longer be making a huge effort to make it to her events, nor will I be sharing any type of personal information with her anymore. You also better believe I'm deleting her off of Facebook once I graduate and move away. She is someone who gets a kick out of Facebook stalking others and I am not okay with that. I don't really share anything on there anyway, but she has a knack of reading into what is posted or liked and then she makes up stories that she believes as fact and she begins rumors and troubles...

So, I am happy today.

Exfiance hasn't messaged me today. He hasn't spoken to me since yesterday morning, in fact. Maybe he finally got the message that we're not getting back together and I'm sick of playing his games? The other part of me is scared he would commit suicide just to get back at me. I'm terrified that I would have to live with his blood on my head. I'm almost certain I couldn't handle another suicide being my fault.

That does honestly terrify me. However, I'm still happy today. I'm making boundaries, enforcing them, and liberating myself.

...but then there's Bieber and I am not coping with liking his song very well... it'll be okay guys, this is just a phase and it's just one song. Right? I hope!!!

"Love Yourself"

(Justin Bieber)

For all the times that you rain on my parade
And all the clubs you get in using my name
You think you broke my heart, oh girl for goodness sake
You think I'm crying, oh my oh, well I ain't

And I didn't wanna write a song cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care
I don't but, you still hit my phone up
And baby I be movin' on and I think you should be somethin'
I don't wanna hold back, maybe you should know that
My mama don't like you and she likes everyone
And I never like to admit that I was wrong
And I've been so caught up in my job, didn't see what's going on
And now I know, I'm better sleeping on my own

Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself

But when you told me that you hated my friends
The only problem was with you and not them
And every time you told me my opinion was wrong
And tried to make me forget where I came from

And I didn't wanna write a song cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care
I don't but, you still hit my phone up
And baby I be movin' on and I think you should be somethin'
I don't wanna hold back, maybe you should know that
My mama don't like you and she likes everyone
And I never like to admit that I was wrong
And I've been so caught up in my job, didn't see what's going on
And now I know, I'm better sleeping on my own

Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself

For all the times that you've made me feel small
I fell in love, now I feel nothin' at all
Had never felt so low when I was vulnerable
Was I a fool to let you break down my walls?

Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself
Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself

It's a Happy New Year Indeed!

Let me tell you a story about my New Year's Eve. It was so fun!

We decided to go out to Roommate's mom's house after I had worked to night. No big deal because I got to sleep for a couple of hours in between.

We headed out to her place around 5 with no big complications. There was a small dinner at her mom's house before we all headed to the dance. So, it was Roommate, her mom, the step-dad (he's is so cool, I just love him to pieces!), Roommate's cousin, and two of that kid's cousins on the other side of his family tree (just roll with it). Oh, plus me. Already we have a recipe for a great night because these people are so fun.

We get to the dance about an hour after it began with a different one of Roommate's cousins because we had to jump over to the next town to get soda. That's how small this town is, there isn't a gas station or grocery store for at least 9 miles down the road.

The dance is fun and we're all just hanging out in a big circle in the back with my uncle and aunt and some other people I've never met before.

At midnight Roommate agreed that we would start a new single girl tradition of giving each other high-fives because we have nobody to kiss (and I avoid kisses like the plague, but for very different reasons!) A little while later a guy comes up and asks me to dance. He is such a good dancer! He asked for my number after the first dance and then we danced a few more songs. Also, he smells really good even after dancing for hours before finally asking me onto the floor. That's a super great bonus!

So, excellent night right? We closed the city hall down, which is where the dance was at, around 2 a.m. I was so tired I was begging to go home but I got talked into going to another party. I was told we would only be there for 30 minutes. That was a lie. We left around 4 a.m.! However, the party was super fun. I didn't drink when I was there but I won three games of beer pong in a row! Every time the other team got the ball in a cup and it was my turn to drink I would pour it into a different cup and they didn't even notice! Ya, they were way too far gone. I feel like a cheater but... I wasn't about to get sick or do something silly just because I had been drinking. Hey, the guy was there and we won a game together! I need to come up with a name for him...

Fast-forward to about 0400 today and he finally texted me! I thought he had forgotten about me or didn't actually care that he got my number. Well, turns out he remembered me and we are going on a date tomorrow (tonight because it is now 0138). I'm too excited to sleep and I even took all my herbs to help with sleep, plus magnesium, plus melatonin...

Bonus #2! Roommate gets to come with me and it's going to be a group date because I was really nervous it would just be the two of us. Phew! I won't have to sustain a conversation the entire night by myself. We are going to go to dinner and bowling and though I am okay at beer pong, I am terrible at bowling so hopefully he doesn't dislike me just because we lose. I already warned him but nobody ever understands the severity of my badness until they experience it for themselves first-hand. Ah well, I will let you know how it goes tomorrow and maybe he'll even get a better nickname for this blog!

Daily Thanksgiving: Roommate gets to come with me on my first date and I had a blast dancing on New Year's Eve! Most importantly, G-d brought me through 2014. I think this was one of my roughest, if not the roughest year of my life so far but G-d allowed me to survive. He brought me through! I pray that 2015 goes much better for me and all of you out there. Happy New Year!

I think I will try to give a synopsis of my 2014 tomorrow, if I remember. I'll also let you know how the night goes with him and then maybe I'll tell you a bit more about him. Teaser: he's pretty cute and he seems to have his life together fairly well. He's a really good dancer and so far he's super sweet while also being able to be upfront instead of beating around the bush. He also instigated the whole thing and asked me out after only meeting me once instead of hoping I would ask him after months of only texting each other. All things I was looking and hoping for so we'll see! Pray for safety for both of our hearts, his understanding of my weird boundaries, and fun, lots of fun.

#2: Cabela's

For those of you who like the southern/country way of living, or if you like hunting/fishing/shooting/bows/etc, or if you like Duck Dynasty (because it's pretty much the best show EVER). Y'all need to find a Cabela's and go to it. I don't care how long you have to drive. I don't care if you have to get a passport to go see it. I don't care if the cheapest way to get there would be to fly a private jet, then take a taxi, then hitchhike. Get yourself on down to a Cabela's.

I was a kid in a candy shop! They had Duck Dynasty everything. They had pink everything. They also have a lot of really sweet guys that talked to me about guns and didn't act like I'm a fool for being a girl but wanting a shotgun, a hand gun, and several other hunting tools. As of yet, I still have not gone hunting. I simply need someone (preferably a cute boy) who likes it (and who is good at it, and who also hopefully likes me and knows me very well) to take me. Presently, I do not have such a person. Therefore, I must work on my gun collection now in order to prepare for such a wonderful guy. Plus, it is one of the few types of collections that allow for practical use, loads of fun, and also a means of foodstuffs. It's a wonderful collection/hobby. Plus, girls typically look super cool and gorgeous when they can protect themselves against any intruder and can also handle the burden of shooting and killing a living critter.

That's hard for me because I have been trying to nurse things back to health for so long. I used to be able to fish and bait the hook with worms with no problems. One summer, all of a sudden I could no longer stand the though of repeatedly stabbing those poor little helpless, innocent worms just to thrown them really fast through the air (on a hook) to then drown them while waiting for a fish to come and consume it. Then you have to deal with killing the fish in a painful fashion in order to reel it back towards you and then let it die slowly.

I used to be able to fish. That doesn't happen so much anymore.

What makes me think I can kill a beautiful, majestic deer or an elk? I don't know. But I want to be able to know that I can survive if I ever get lost in the woods. If I can't kill for food, I will die anyway. If I can't kill for protection (from cougars, and other scary animals) then I will die painfully myself anyway. There seems to be no winning. So, I have put it in my mind that I would like to learn to hunt in order to learn basic survival techniques in case I do ever get lost in the woods. It means leaving all of my nursing brain at home and finding a way to get my mind over causing harm to these incredible creatures.

Anyway, Cabela's is now one of my favorite stores in all of my history. Maybe one day, I can go back and actually spend money there for some of their cute clothes or on a pretty pink fishing pole or something. Someday, it will happen. Until then, I'm a happy girl.

1000 Pageviews!!!

We made it to 1000 pageviews! So, with that major landmark, I will cease these updates. Still, it does not make me any less happy that y'all visit my site!

800 Pageviews!

Thanks guys for 800!!! Shout out to the UK; Germany; Denver, Colorado; Los Angeles California; Colorado Springs, Colorado; and my biggest viewing country... RUSSIA! I hope everyone is doing well. I appreciate you guys logging in an reading, really I do.

Love,
BedpanAlley

P.S.
Feel free to comment and talk with me. I would love to get to know y'all!

P.P.S.
I'll probably stop announcing every 100 views once it reaches 1,000. But it still makes me really happy to see y'all making the number grow so fast.

Y'all Made My Day!

Wow, 700 views!!! Thank you guys for reading, it makes me happy to know someone is out there.

400 Views!

My goodness, I had 20 views yesterday and 23 views already today. This put me over the 400 mark! Thanks guys! You make me so happy :)